Go-Go-Godzilla:#17 The Return of Godzilla (plus Godzilla 1985)

Director: Koji Hashimoto,
Studio: Toho 
Year: 1984
Length: 103 Minutes (Godzilla 1985 = 87 Minutes)

The Story:

Perhaps the first legasequel, The Return of Godzilla, ignores every prior film save the original. It opens with parallel to the original with a reference to the Lucky Dragon No. 5 (Daigo Fukuryū Maru) incident (where a fishing boat was bombarded by radiation as a result of being in waters originally deemed to be safe distance from the US Castle Bravo nuclear weapons test at the Bikini Atoll in March of 1954). In this case it's a result of a reawakened Godzilla.  Reporter Goro Maki is sailing and comes across it (it's unclear if he was looking for the ship). He finds the crewmen's bodies completely desiccated, save for one, Hiroshi, who is still alive but unresponsive. Goro is attacked by a gigantic sea louse by saved by the traumatized sailor.

Goro hears the sailor's story of Godzilla's return, but has his story stifled by the government, concerned about spreading panic. Goro is instead pushed to visit Professor Hayashida (it's not clear why exactly), where he learns the Professor's parents had died in the original Godzilla attack on Tokyo. He also discovers the Professor's student/assistant, Naoko, is Hiroshi's brother (now government issued quarantine) and he seeks to reunite them, in part because he likes her, in part because it's the right thing to do, and in part because he wants the story.

A Soviet submarine encounters Godzilla in the Pacific and is destroyed. In order to de-escalate tensions between the Russians and Americans, the Japanese government has to admit publicly Godzilla's return. After the monster attacks a nuclear power station (to "feed") with the Professor and company as witness, the Americans and Russians want to proactively nuke the creature before it decides to invade their soil. The government debates and resolves that the Cold War super powers are primarily looking for an excuse to test their weapons in a public space, regardless of the outcome, and denies their request.

The Professor and company realize that Godzilla, as a sort of dinosaur, is closer to bird than lizard (do we need a feathered Godzilla?) and he has a homing sense as a result of gravitational pull. The Professor works diligently to figure out how to exploit this, and maybe lure Godzilla to the volcanic Mt. Mihara where they can possibly trap or kill Godzilla in the fiery core.

But they aren't given much time before Godzilla heads towards Tokyo. The district is evacuated and when Godzilla reaches landfall, the JSDF has a surprise for him: the Super X! A flying tank, made of a titanium alloy that should be resistant to his atomic breath, and armed with cadmium missiles which should neutralize the creature's radioactive chemistry.  It works and the creature stumbles unconscious. The Professor, Maoko and  Maki are trapped in their building, but rescued by Hiroshi and a helicopter team. They head out to Mt. Mihara to prepare their backup plan, when a Russian nuke is accidentally launched. The Americans fire a counter missile which explodes it in the atmosphere but the resulting wave is absorbed by Godzilla which reawakens him. He destroys the Super X by pushing a building upon it, before he hears the summons the Professor concocted. 

Godzilla arrives at the mountain, the trap is sprung, and the creature wails as it's boiled alive in lava, wrenching the hearts of the very people he just terrorized.

Godzilla, Friend or Foe:
Definitely foe.  

The Sounds:
Godzilla's roar is given an overhaul, a little prolonged, more deeply resonant, with an added rumble. It's both familiar, but more intense.

Reijiro Koroku provides the score which is completely serviceable but, at times, feels like TV melodrama, at others conventional military marches. It never hits the highs that any of Akira Fukube's scores do, but it's nothing memorable. 

The Message:
Gone is the goofy, kid-friendly Godzilla that developed over the Showa Era series, and instead we have a decent analogy for Japan being stuck between two nuclear powers during late stage cold war and nuclear proliferation.  The traumas of the past have faded, but the fears of the present are crippling in their weight.

Rating (out of 5 Zs):
ZZZz
Now this is the Godzilla I've been waiting for. In the intervening decade (almost) between Terror of Mechagodzilla and The Return of Godzilla the technology for filming and effects took dramatic strides. No longer treated like a toss-away kiddie film, but instead an epic disaster movie, the scale of everything got bigger and better. The miniatures (operating at 1:40 scale, this time, with an 25-meter tall Godzilla, instead of the 1:25 scale, 15-meter tall Goji) are phenomenal despite being less detailed. At the increased scale, there's more density, and seeing Godzilla trod down whole city blocks with skyscrapers that tower over him. The smoke work, the pyrotechnics, the lighting, the special effects coordination all look much more gorgeous (it's got somewhere around 12 times the budget of the last Godzilla film, so makes sense it's better).

It's got a few goofy bits - the sea louse at the beginning particularly, and I found the introduction of the Super X really pulled me out of an otherwise engrossing feature. The Super X is just a little too sci-fi cartoon and old-school Godzlla for this new phase of movies.

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Godzilla 1985, from New World Pictures, adds R. J. Kizer as co-director since, like the original Gojira, in bringing the film to American audiences, additional scenes were added.  Once again they bring back Raymond Burr as Brazzos Steve Martin (Mr. Martin here) who consults with the Pentagon as the only American survivor of the original Godzilla attack.  He doesn't do much of any effect here, save provide a touching and thought provoking soliloquy at the films finale as Godzilla faces his doom.

The film is heavily reedited, not just to insert these new, terrible American scenes in the Pentagon, nor to add Dr. Pepper product placement, but also to eliminate any negative connotation about America's part in nuclear proliferation. 

In the original, the Russian nuke was accidentally launched when the Russian trying to stop it collapsed from the fallout of Godzilla's attack. In the American version it's made to look as if the Russians had maliciously fired the nuke against Japanese wishes. From the Japanese perspective, at least from the original, Russia and the US were equal threats to them, but the American version downplays any insinuation that America or its policy is doing anything wrong (much in the same way the 1950's American edit of Godzilla eliminates any sense of parallel between the creature and America's bombing of the country).

The American version is tighter, but also flimsier, with less characterization, less politics, and the acting in those Pentagon sequences gets pretty bad. The Japanese version is much more engrossing.

(Rating for Godzilla 1985: ZZz)

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Neither version is available on standard streaming, but Godzilla 1985 can be found here on Youtube, and The Return of Godzilla can be found here on the Internet Archive.

Xmas Leftovers: Your Christmas or Mine 2

2023, Jim O'Hanlon (Your Christmas or Mine?) -- Amazon

Not a lot of Left Overs this year, as in Xmas Movies that we watched before or after Christmas, while steeped fully in T&K's Xmas Advent Calendar. Was it a dearth of non-Hallmarkie Xmas movies or just our generaly malaise for the season? Not sure.

We watched the first one last year, and .... well, I didn't have much to say. I can say is that I have a fondness in hindsight for it, which meant we would watch this quite soon after the run of Hallmarkies.

Recap of first. James and Hayley are two kids in love. James is posh (British for rich or from nobility or both) and Hayley is ... not. Due to Xmas Hijinx they both end up trapped at each other's family places while dealing with misunderstandings and tension. But it ends with both families smooshed together for a holly jolly Xmas!

A year later and an Xmas Family Vacation is under way. The Earl (James' dad) is flying the whole bunch to the Austrian Alps for a ski holiday during Xmas. Well, not exactly. Hayley's parents are intent on paying their own way so Geoff, Hayley's dad, worked out a great "deal" through a seedy friend of his. An initial mixup at the airport puts Hayley and family into the Earl's hotel shuttle bus, and James and family in.... what Geoff booked. The former end up at a resort ski chalet where all the red carpet is rolled out for whom they believe to be English Royalty. The latter are relegated to a shack behind some crotchety old guy's place. Shack is too nice a word. Its a shamble of wooden slats tied together hanging over a precipice.

BUT the misunderstanding is not the crux of the film and is somewhat quickly dealt with, and everyone ends up at the luxury ski resort, where the real focus of the movie begins: Hayley realizing how different their two worlds are. Its kind of a big downer of a plot focus, to be honest. I would have assumed the preceding year would have dealt with all that, as The Earl couldn't have been galivanting around the world, finding a new American girlfriend all that time, right? Then again, how many "in-law" families actually interact on a regular basis. Despite how well they got on that first Xmas, maybe there wasn't really any opportunity to deal with how they all really felt about each other. Cuz its not just Hayley feeling out of sorts about how different the two families are, its also her mother. And it colours the rest of the movie. Meanwhile, the boys all just get drunk together and they're alright.

The movie travels down a typical romcom path culminating with the Ultimate Misunderstanding and Hayley dumps James right when he is desperately trying to do a drunken proposal. With her mom supporting her, they all pile on a plane to head back to England for a proper family Xmas season... what's left of it. But James is getting the shit kicked out of him by love, so he does a proper Grand Romantic Gesture and stops the plane. Problem solved.

Except its not. The issues her mom and her were dealing with are still there. Nobody's being honest about it, so they aren't resolving it. If they do a third movie, I imagine it will be on a full-family honeymoon to a tropical place where things will go wrong again. And they will still be dealing with their Two Different Worlds bullshit. I get it. The wealthy, the privileged live in a different world than us, and it leads to feelings of inadequacy. Hell, I just have to struggle through a work conversation with a C Level, where they discuss their second house, to know my world is nothing like theirs. I cannot imagine adding the Royalty level to it. The best way to deal with it? Don't connect the families, and just deal with the Awkward Family Events as they come up, but leave the families in two separate worlds as much as possible. You know, avoid dealing with it.

I thinks you ended up talking about shit that was only a bit of the movie, dude. Got some internalized feelings on the Two Worlds paradigm?

Shaddup you.

Xmas Leftovers: Silent Night

2023, John Woo (Face/Off) -- download

One. This is not bringing John Woo back to Hollywood. And, fuck, its been 20 years since his last American movie?!?! I blame Affleck.

Two. Its barely an Xmas movie. It could have tried harder to be an Xmas movie, but instead it just plunked a date on a calendar, and made some use of trappings.

Three. The gimmick is only kind of fun.

Four. The protaganist is not exactly the most sympathetic character.

So, we begin in media res with Brian Godluck in an ugly Xmas Sweater, a single jingle bell around his neck, chasing fleeing vehicles, as the passengers of each car shoot at each other -- Gang Bangers violently taking it out on each other, ignoring that the alleys they drive through are a residential neighbourhood. Godluck stops one car with a piece of rebar through the windscreen, and the other crashes. Scary Tattooed Gangster gets out and shoots Godluck in the throat; leaves him for dead.

Recovery montage. Brian no longer has a voice. He cannot even scream his rage and grief. And nobody else has any dialogue. There are words from TVs, spoken words over PAs, but none of the cast, supporting or otherwise, barely ever say anything. Its an interesting gimmick served to reduce conversation and focus on Godluck and his response to the loss of his family, and voice.

As expected in most of these revenge flicks, he does not react well. The police are not shown to be doing anything, despite one detective showing some concern. Weeks become months and all Godluck does is sit and drink and stare at the Xmas tree which remains standing. He and his wife are trapped in their grief and he is only making it worse. Finally she leaves him and after one attempt visit tothe detective, he decides on a course of action --- kill em all by Dec 24 of the following year.

What follows are more montages of our "hero" preparing to be an ultra-badass at investigating, infiltration and killing. As an action movie, its passable, with the expected quality of John Woo and his signature gunfu. As a movie, well.... very little makes sense nor does it care to. But nothing is as stylish as it could have been considering its his return to Hollywood. 

Disappointing.

Xmas Leftovers: Genie

2023, Sam Boyd (In a Relationship) -- Amazon

I know we don't like Melissa McCarthy very much but its written by Richard Curtis, who also wrote the original Bernard and the Genie, which we loved. So, how bad can it be?

Yeah, that bad. Not entirely bad, but definitely Melissa McCarthy bad.

Bernard Bottle (Paapa Essiedu, The Lazarus Project) is a meek man working for a Dick Boss at an art auction house. On a fateful night, he is rushing out the door to attend his daughter's birthday skating party when said Boss interrupts him for a walkthrough of a catalogue with a client. The walkthrough doesn't go well, Bernard misses the party and loses the gift he had for his daughter, opting instead for some random tchochke he finds in his apartment. In the choice of MacGuffin, I am not sure why they chose a jewelry box, or why he had it in the first place, or why he wouldn't think it wasn't the item he had sitting on his bookcase a few hours prior, but no matter, hand-wave, its the genie "bottle" we were expecting. But Bernard's latest fumble is enough, and his wife leaves him with their daughter.

Bernard then rubs the jewelry box, for some reason, and out comes the misty purple smoke that coalesces into Flora, the genie. Flora claims she is cursed, claims she is celtic (flashback scene has her looking like an extra from Braveheart) and claims she is around two thousand years old. It doesn't explain why a curse would give her unlimited power, or why she would be dressed in Arabian garb or why she was around the Middle East when Jesus was alive (not sure if that was pre or post curse) but whatever, amusing comments that are not meant to make sense. Either way, she's now a genie who can provide Bernard with unlimited wishes.

What follows is a somewhat charming movie interrupted by fish-out-of-water antics from Melissa McCarthy. Its all about Bernard restructuring his life, given the magical resources he now has, to better suit one for his wife & child. He is also teaching Flora about modern times and dealing with wish related hijinx that rarely have any consequence beyond minor inconvenience. This is not your "wishes are dark tricks" movie, and its mild attempt at conflict is relegated to him being mistaken for stealing the Mona Lisa. Why two random cops seeing a painting on the wall of his apartment would assume its the real missing painting and not some cheap print is beyond me, but whatever, the police arrest him, assuming he is some brilliant mastermind. That is, until Flora undoes it and they look like idiots.

There is some warmth that emerges here and there, mainly because Bernard is a genuinely a nice guy, despite being utterly clueless about time and boundaries. If there was ever a misplaced lesson to be learned here, it is that people can fix whatever is wrong with their life as long as they are provided unlimited resources. I am  up to testing that lesson, if there happens to be a genie nearby.

Of course, for me, most of the movie was marred by McCarthy. Her usual style of humour felt out of place and often needlessly crass. She's a genie afterall, and could have provided herself with the knowledge she needed to be aware of current times. But nope, instead we have her acting all sorts of weird for the sake of being colourful. And weird.

KWIF: Godzilla Minus One (+3)

 KWIF = Kent's Week(ish) in Film

This Week:
Godzilla Minus One (2023, d. Takashi Yamzaki  - Imax)
Diabolik (2021, d. The Manetti Bros. - AmazonPrime)
Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023, d. Zack Snyder - Neftlix)
Leave the World Behind (2023, d. Sam Esmail - Netflix)

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If you've paid any attention to the blog in the past month (and if you're reading this now, most assuredly you have), you know I'm in the middle of a Godzilla kick, having recently just finished watching all the Showa-era Toho-produced films. 

So I was very, very hyped to see not only that there was a brand new Godzilla film in theatres, but that it was getting absolutely rave reviews and topping the box office...in America.

There's something thrilling about the meta context a genre picture that resonates with both fans and critics, and beyond that, a foreign film that the public is willing to see. [Of course, we're in the second generation now of kids who have been raised on Anime and Manga, so there's almost no barrier to entry for them with a Japanese movie at this stage.]

Godzilla Minus One is a modern retelling of Godzilla. The "minus one" of the title is a reference to Japan already being at "zero" post World War II (given the devastation American forces wrought upon their country), and then as fallout from all of that, Godzilla strikes. 

Where prior Godzilla films that ape or reboot the original went more macro, dealing with the bureaucracy of fighting a kaiju, Godzilla Minus One goes micro, focusing in on a very human story. 

The film's protagonist, Kōichi, was a kamikaze pilot at the tail-end of WWII. As he is deployed on sortie he fakes engine trouble and lands at the repair base on Odo Island. While he is there, a young, recently awakened Godzilla attacks, and perhaps being the only person who can help, Kōichi freezes up when he is needed.

One of two survivors, Kōichi, returns to Tokyo to his devastated home. His parents are dead from the bombings. He is doubly shamed for not fulfilling his mission or helping fight the beast, and wracked with grief. He suffers from both depression and PTSD. 

Out in the market, he meets a young woman who has turned to shoplifting to feed an orphaned baby.  Kōichi takes them in and over time, they are a unit, although Kōichi is still too burdened by his past to see any future for this woman and child. He gets a job exploding the thousands of mines in the seas, where a few weeks in he and his crew have an encounter with a much, much larger Godzilla.  The creature is awake, and ready to claim its territory.

Due to rising tensions between Russia and America, neither will assist in fighting this creature whose powers of devastation have never been rendered so potently. The Japanese government is prohibited from any formal military engagement of the creature, so it's left to a civil unit of citizens, mostly ex-Navy, with Kōichi their only pilot, to take on the creature with very last ditch plans.  Kōichi for his part, intends to atone for his past.

I said while watching the Showa-era Godzilla films that the best of them are the ones where there's a human story behind it, or at the very least, compelling human characters. Godzilla Minus One has both, and focuses more on its characters than any Godzilla film I've seen so far. 

Kōichi is an incredibly flawed hero, and often not heroic at all. It's what makes him so compelling to watch. Genuine care and attention is put into his experiences shaping him, and into the relationships he builds with his partner, his child, even his neighbour and his mine-diffusing crew. Every encounter with Godzilla, while not at all a personal attack by the creature, is very personal to Kōichi, to the point that the film establishes a credibly solid link between him and the beast. Ryunosuke Kamiki who plays Kōichi is a likeable lead probably the weakest part of the entire film, though. He goes melodramatic in his performance way too often when I think a subtler touch would have been more fitting, but this could be cultural differences in what constitutes an effective emotional performance.  

Godzilla is used sparingly, but more effectively than in any Godzilla film in the past. Every instance of the creature seems timed perfectly. Heck, there were time where I was so wrapped up in the human drama, I was surprised by the reminder that, oh yeah, Godzilla's in this too. 

In the Showa era, Godzilla gets pretty silly. He goes from villain, to anti-hero, to good guy, to child icon over those 15 films, and at times is dancing or doing wrestling taunts. It's easy to forget Godzilla was supposed to be scary. In Godzilla Minus One, he is fucking scary. My heart was literally racing every time he was on screen (meanwhile my ears were bleeding). When Godzilla unleashes his atomic breath, it's one of the most sobering scenes in a blockbuster film ever. Just incredible.

Godzilla is a CGI creature in this film, which reportedly only cost around 15 million US to make. The Japanese filmmaking industry is apparently more efficient but also less salary driven, so people get paid a living wage but are not at a premium like most of the related industry in America.  Regardless, it's still an astonishing movie for the price.  The creature looks best in water, as when we see him full-body on land, he looks somewhat robotic in movement.

I saw Godzilla Minus One in IMAX, and not only was the picture big, but so was the sound. It was so loud that I believe I have suffered increased hearing damage as a result (two weeks later, my ears are still ringing...louder than they were ringing before). I was not the only one plugging my ears often in the theatre. 

This was, to put it bluntly, and incredibly refreshing film, both from a blockbuster standpoint and a Godzilla standpoint. It's amusing that within days of seeing the film, the trailer for Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire came out and it looks insanely silly by comparison...like the two should not be co-existing.  But such is the nature of Godzilla, where he can be used for potent allegories about Nuclear proliferation, historical trauma, or environmental devastation, or he can be used for the most mindless of entertainment and cheapest of thrills.

Great stuff. It's being re-released in January in a director-initiated, completely reconstructed black-and-white version. I'll be seeing it again, for sure.

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I love Mario Bava's Danger:Diabolik, like, a lot. It's a visual triumph and just a delightful pulp adventure. I realize Diabolik has a much larger life in comics and as a cultural touchstone in Italy, but they've never been readily available in English so I can't exactly say how or if Bava's vision of the character skews away from the comics. But if this new 2021 Diabolik (the first of a trilogy, which just debuted its third piece in November this year) is any indication, Bava wasn't far off the mark.

Unless the Manetti Bros. are taking direct inspiration from Bava than from the comics. I can't say.

Within the opening moments of Diabolik the titular character, in escaping the polizia who have the alley blocked off, presses a button and a section of the road raises up on hydrolics, and his Jaguar jumps over the patrol car in a very goofy, but practical, effects sequence. The Manetti Bros. with this moment, announce the tone of the film is, indeed, indebted to its comic book origins, and that you can't really take it as serious as its heavy shadows and even heavier score of haunting, ominous stings imply. 

The crux of the film is an origin story not for Diabolik, but instead his long-time paramour Eva Kant, and how they came to be together. It's completely a noir-inspired production... at least for its first two acts, and then utterly flips genres in its third act, becoming a heist film.

Given that this film retains a 1960s setting, it's hard for me not to compare this against Bava's original, and to conclude that it's nowhere near as stylish, nor is it as outright comic-booky. Diabolik's comic bookishness is intact, but more subtle. The film is striving to be something ... well, not more, but something else.

It's an enjoyable production, but I had to acclimatize myself to it. It's a little idiosyncratic, a little flimsy in characterization, and more than a little overlong at 2h13, and Diabolik is a really, really bad person as opposed to a deviously likeable anti-hero. The insight into how he handles his relationships prior to Eva are uncomfortably problematic...you know on top of being a murderer and a thief, he's a gaslighting, emotionally controlling partner. That Eva is invested in him speaks to her intelligence and boredom in life. She plays games in spheres that cause her trouble but she learns quickly to find routes out of them. A criminal career is kind of a logical next step. Its clear to see what he sees in her, both as one who challenges him and intrigues him, but what she sees in him is less specific except the attraction of a challenge, to learn something new.

If this trilogy starts with Eva wanting to be with Diabolik, it should end with her being Diabolik. Miriam Leone, who plays Eva, is a real winner in the role. You're never entirely certain what she's thinking as a character, which is entirely the point. She's elusive and alluring and not afraid of anything.  I was less sold on Luca Marinelli as Diabolik, he's not very fun. I see he's been recast for the subsequent two films (there's definitely an in-story reason as to why that is, but I wonder if there's a meta story for it). 

I don't know that this is anything above-par that will create new Diabolik fans, but if you're a Diabolik fan already, it's great just to see him back on screen.

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If there's two thing to know going into this first installment of Rebel Moon, it's that it's director's Zack Snyder's repurposing of a failed Star Wars pitch and that it's structured around the basic plot of The Seven Samurai. 

Oh, wait, you don't need to know either of those things going in, you will figure them out soon enough.

I don't hate Zack Snyder. He seems like a nice guy. He's got a great eye for composition. But he's an awful storyteller, he lacks any ability to inspire awe and wonder as he always strives to weigh everything down with unearned emotion. I think Snyder would be a great photographer, or commercial director, or music video director. After 15 years of Snyder movies, of which only one (the zombie one written by James Gunn) I would call "good", I'm more than certain this field of filmmaking is not really suited for him.

Rebel Moon is uninspired and worse, direly boring. It runs 45 minutes before it gets to the crux of the film, which is putting the band together, and then spends over an hour doing that, before it abruptly comes to a head, remembering that it doesn't have a 4 hour run-time.  

The assembling of the band of "heroes" entails four different encounters with almost complete strangers each given a chance to prove themselves either by words or by deeds, all of which feels like stalling for time rather than character development. They are barely archetypes, nevermind people who we like, care about or are curious to spend any more time with.

The third act is just a compressed 20-minute action set-piece that holds no emotional weight and is of zero consequence to whatever Part 2 is going to be about. To spoil it, the small band that just got together are betrayed (which was telegraphed seemingly 90 minutes earlier) and then almost entirely quashed by the space Nazis (and there's no subtlety to them being space Nazis) before it becomes an utterly nonsensical shootout and our small band triumph with some wounds the need licking. It's to prove that, yes, this band of heroes can make a difference, but it's only by the sheer stupidity of the storytelling that they do. 

It's a purposeless, nonsense film. We already have a Star Wars-inspired retelling of The Seven Samurai in Battle Beyond the Stars, a Roger Corman production that somehow is utterly cheaper in production value but has twice as much charisma (it's still a bad movie, but less bad than Rebel Moon).  This feels like a Uwe Boll film but if he got a talented cinematographer. 

Rebel Moon, more like Rebel Moof!

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Leave the World Behind is a film that warns of being nostalgic for a time that never existed (a comment mades about Friends, a show the younger daughter in the iflm is obsessed with). It's a trap that happens to far too many as they age and grow bitter at the changing world and the youth slated to inherit it. It's also a film that warns of complacency and the infecting WASP-y tendency to wave away warning signs, to override the gut instinct and insist everything is fine, when clearly it is not.

Julia Roberts is our lead here, playing a burned-out Brooklyn-dwelling mother and marketing executive who has grown weary and disillusioned with people. She books a last-minute Air B&B and hauls her husband, Ethan Hawke, and two teen kids out to a beautiful house upstate. It would be tremendously easy to say she's a real Karen, but it's not about entitlement, it's really about hating her life and the world around her. She's gone full pessimist and thinks the worst of everyone.

They're having a passively decent time until they're on the beach an an oil tanker grounds itself before them. Then Mahershala Ali and his college-aged daughter, Myha'la Herrold, show up at the door in formal wear, announcing that it's their home and asking to stay the night in the basement en suite. Roberts is evilly unconvinced by them, while Hawke wants to be nothing more than accommodating.  There's an undercurrent of racial tension in the situation, because it's America, so of course there is.  Esmail undercuts this tension, at least for the audience, by letting us in on Ali and Herrold's conversations, knowing they're telling the truth, and leaving Roberts exposed in the subsequent scenes where she's still being judgemental and confrontational.

Everything begins escalating around them, though, as information just dribbles out and scenes and signs become more and more ominous.

It is a film at its most effectively disturbing and distressing when it's being opaque about what's going on. Full of potent imagery that's handled by the performers just a little too calmly, the tension in the film is in the not knowing why, and so every little dribble of insight (yet revealing nothing) ratchets up that intensity.  

But it goes from subtle to blunt very quickly during its third act. Until then it's focused on delivering an intense scenario that could have multiple allegories applied (it could be an environmental allegory, it could be talking about societal decay and distrust of one's neighbours, it could be a critique on our dependency on the internet nut just personally but for infrastructure, or hell, at one point I wondered if it was just an alien invasion) and instead settles for just one definite answer which seems to me to be the wrong play (but may be a result of adaptation from the novel by Rumaan Alam or it may be Sam Esmail's invention). 

I can't really speak to Sam Esmail's track record. I watched Season 1 of Mr. Robot. I thought it was great, but I didn't need any more of it. I don't know that I've seen anything else he's done.

So I don't know if it was weird that I was getting M. Night Shayamalan vibes from Leave the World Behind.  It could be because it seems to share a similar same set-up to A Knock At The Cabin and then runs a story that could be The Happening, if those films had a rich soundtrack and a plethora of Friends references.

It's a potent production, but its power peters out the more it preaches rather than implies.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): The Killer

2023, David Fincher (Gone Girl) -- Netflix

Small film? Assassin gone wrong film? Character stuff film? Yes please. All of the above please.

...

I think I need to go back and rewatch a few films to remember what a Fincher Film might be like. While I recall a certain emotional attachment to the director, I don't recall the .... style he had. When I look at his listing, I do notice that I have Not Seen just as many of his as I did see. And Manhunter ended up being relegated to The List -- the list of TV shows I know I should be watching, but instead, I just watch some less-than-satisfying genre crap.

So, like most Assassin Movies, it starts with the main character narrating details of who he is, and what he does. Given that it is based on a long running French comic book, its not surprising there is stylistic narration that needs to be included, and Fincher does a decent job of making it appropriate without going overboard. And since its part of the assassin movie genre....

He gives assassin advice, talking about taking your time and paying attention and getting a good amount of sleep and being patient and exercising. He has a mantra that gets repeated over and over, even after he begins to derail said manta. But I get ahead of myself. He's in Paris, and he has been waiting for The Target to arrive, patiently. Alas, someone gets in the way of his bullet and fucks the whole job.

The Customer is not happy and neither is the Handler. But the Killer goes about his usual exit path, and returns to his estate in the Dominican Republic. His place has been attacked. His girlfriend has been hurt.

That was a mistake. Despite his mantra, he is now emotionally involved in the situation and the rest of the movie is him making people pay for that mistake -- their mistake for taking action against him and those he cares about, and for his own emotional reaction.

The thing Fincher does that I really enjoyed about the movie is letting us go through his details, focused activities without getting bored. The Killer is precise, even when guided by the emotion he so loudly (to us) states he eschews. Fassbender embodies this.

The thing about it fitting my "small film" ideal, is that I don't have much more to say about it. Its extremely satisfying but nothing is meant to Wow you.

Kent's view. We Agree.

T&Ks XMas (2023) Advent Calendar: Day 24 - Catch Me If You Claus

 2023, d. Bradley Walsh

The Draw: 
Luke Macfarlane. I really enjoyed him in Bros. and in Platonic, so hoping that he brings more of that energy and comic timing he showed there, skills not as present in his older, more formulaic Hallmarkies.

HERstory: 
Dayton Ohio. The former mayor is up on corruption charges. Meanwhile, Avery is a news researcher, but wants to be a news anchor, but she's bombed her audition. She has a legacy to live up to.  Her mom's been a famous reporter and anchor for 33 years.

Good gawd the lighting in this is terrible.

More news, there's "the Santa Crook" who has robbed at least 8 homes wearing a Santa outfit.

On Christmas Eve, anchor Bink Binkerson is on a flight out of town and whatsherface has caught laryngitis so the low-stakes, low-rated Christmas broadcast is down an anchor, and Avery makes her play and gets the job.

On Christmas Even, Avery is woken up to someone moving around her condo. She startles her intruder who trips and is knocked unconscious. Avery thinks the intruder is the Santa Crook and ties him up, but unfortunately the cel towers are down. When the "crook" wakes up, he claims to be Santa Claus... the new Santa-in-training. He tries to convince her to let him go, but his "Santa skills" aren't fully downloaded yet, so to speak. His aide Dylan takes off without him. Dylan, for his part, is in a total panic.  

Avery comes up with an idea to take "the bandit", aka Chris, to the police herself and file her own story as she anchors the news. But first, Dylan wants her to deliver the neighbour's daughter gift to her place, and it just requires a little B&E. But they trip the silent alarm and the young security guard ineptly tries to detain them both. He fumbles his walkie and slips, giving Chris enough time to get behind the wheel of Avery's car. Avery grabs the walkie and hops in, "to save Christmas".

Meanwhile the corrupt ex-Mayor is robbed by the real Santa Crook who "got everything". So he sends his goons out to find him. Avery and Chris hear about the real Santa Crook hitting a place far away, so now she's doubting Chris is the Crook.  Chris gets another Santa download and starts talking about the "pivotal gift", the one that sends kids on their true path in life. I like this concept for Santa, rather than just giving every kid a random toy every year, only certain kids get their pivotal gift. 

One of the goons finds their vehicle and so they run, but not before Avery gets a look at him and IDs him as one of the exMayor's goons. They run right into a the Dayton Ohio Dinner Players' wrap party who just finished their A Christmas Carol run (they won three Tony's...Pizzas). Avery yells at them and then, while using the phone, she returns to find Chris recounting the story of one of the players receiving their pivotal gift and now she's a true believer.

Avery is putting together the story of the corrupt ex-Mayor, but the news has now put out a report on the two of them thinking they're the Santa Crooks. Chris gets a call from his dad, Santa, who isn't too pleased about the report Dylan gave him about the events transpiring that night.

They elude the goon staking out the Dinner Players' party, but then get found by different goons. They get "white vanned" and tied up back-to-back in chairs. Then the nepo babies have a connecting moment talking about living up to their more famous parents. "We may not be our parents but we can be great in our own way."  And then other of the exMayor's goons catch the real Santa Crook and his girlfriend.  The fake Crooks talk up the real Crooks and find out there's bigger story, that the Crooks were put up to the task of stealing the drive. So now they're going to fake being the Crooks and make the drop and get the story.

But they get chased by the goons. They skip into an unlocked truck and Avery starts making out with Chris to throw off their pursuers, only to learn there's a dude sleeping in the back (a delivery driver for Tony's Pizza, cute callback). The real Crooks get arrested trying to steal Avery's abandoned car while Avery and Chris return to their home to come face to face with Santa. But Chris has a real sweet moment with his dad.

And now we just have to close out this whole crime story, which is the weakest part of this whole endeavour. The exMayor and his goons show up at Avery's house, but they outsmart them and the police arrive. It's 15 minutes to airtime and Santa and Chris give her a ride on their way to delivering all the presents in time. 

After they both have success (Avery's good job on Christmas gets her the weekend anchor gig) Chris returns to deliver his last gift...to Avery. So they agree to a very respectable, mutually-approved long-distance relationship as they pursue their respective careers. Really!

The Formulae:
There's the female lead trying for her big promotion.

Unformulae:
Rather than the usual Hallmarkie formula, it's more of a "one crazy night" formula. It doesn't do amazing by the One Crazy Night formula (it gets a little too wrapped up in its maguffin crime story) since there's really only one side encounter (the OCN story is usually three or more random encounters with strangers who you never know are going to help or get in the way of your objectives). 

Usually Hallmarkies skirt around the magic of Santa and Christmas, with just little hints, but here we're right out into "Santa is real" territory from the get-go. It's a fun shift.

It also opens, not with a skyline, but with a little animated credits sequence. It's really short, but a nice change of pace.

Oh, and the leads are *just dating* at the end, not committing their lives to each other. Progress.

True Calling? 
Uh, ish, I guess. I mean they're riffing on "Catch Me If You Can", a story about a crook who takes on fake identities and eludes the law. Here, it's a merry mix-up where the son-of-Santa is mistaken for a Santa-garbed crook. I dunno. I don't love the title. 

The Rewind: 
At one point a vehicle drives through the foam and a big glob of it flings up into the air and makes it really obvious it's foam. We spent a lot of time inspecting the "snow" because we weren't exactly fooled but also it didn't look like the usual batting.

The Regulars: 
Luke Macfarlane has done so many Hallmarkies (Toasty's done two of them already this year), but he's not just sleepwalking through this story, he's actually playing a character and making choices. He's really cute and endearing and goofy and corny... just being at a total other level than your average Hallmarkie lead. That this isn't just the stock romantic interest role, but a fun magical character that has his own job and concerns.

Italia Ricci has been in a couple non-Holiday Hallmarkies, and she's matching Luke's energy in this. They're really good together (and they look great together. The kiss is real, real hot.)

How does it Hallmark? 
It's so far outside the usual Hallmark tropes it doesn't actually feel like a Hallmark movie, but just a lower budget holiday TV movie.  

It's more fun than most. Quite a few chuckles and giggles and laughs along the way, and just a different flavour than the usual Hallmarkie. Good chemistry between 

How does it movie? 
So, as above, not like a theatrical release, but a lower budget holiday TV movie.

But it's quite fun.

How Does It Snow? 
There is a lot of it everywhere, all throughout the background, so it actually looks really, really snowy everywhere. It looks pretty good, especially given that this all takes place at night. But it's all foam. They suds up Dayton real good. And then there's soap flakes in the air sometimes, and digital snow at times. I mean, Luke McFarlane walks around in a t-shirt outdoors most of the time.

T&K's XMas (2023) Advent Calendar - Day 23 - A Biltmore Christmas

2023, John Putch (American Housewife) -- download

The Draw: Primarily because of Bethany Joy Lenz, of royalty among Hallmarkies. And also, time travel !!

Of note, you have not actually ever seen a Lenz Hallmarkie.

HERstory: OK, so Lucy Hardgrove (Bethany Joy Lenz, ) has been given the privelage of writing the remake of a classic 40s Xmas movie called "His Merry Wife". In fact this movie starts with a black & white clip of the movie! They are diving whole heartedly into the cheese! But the studio exec (booo, not in a purple suit) is not happy with Lucy's bittersweet re-do of the ending. "Everyone wants a happy ending!" he claims.

"Yes, but...." she counters unsuccessfully. To further inspire her, he gives her a plane ticket and sends her to the actual Biltmore Estate, where the original movie was shot. She is expected to be influenced into providing the familiar popular happy ending. No buts lady! And yes, you'll be back by Xmas.

Of note, the Biltmore Estate is a thing, IRL, one of those chateau inns I was referring to in my Chateau Christmas writeup. Its a huge huge estate that is known for going all out at Xmas. I am surprised this is the first Hallmarkie shot there. So, Lucy shows up, and is instantly given the special treatment by concierge extraordinaire Winston (Jonathan Frakes, Picard). She is even shown an off-tour room where a special hour glass has been pulled out of storage just for her visit, to show her more props and items that were shown in the original movie.

So, she touches the hour glass and POOF, she's back in 1947, in the hotel, on the same date, and the movie is being made! She's in her own clothes and she shouldn't be on set, and she's quite confused, so she pretends to be an extra, and ends up in a scene, but also catches the eye of leading man Jack Huston (Kristoffer Polaha, Backstrom). When the hour glass runs out, she returns back to the current day.

Lucy is freaked out but catches on pretty quick, and so for her next trip, which she controls this time, she makes sure she has money (ummm, that money would be prop money...) and proper clothes, and an alibi. She's telling people she's on the set because the studio has sent her there, due to some tension between the leads. 

And then she accidentally breaks the hour glass, which strands her in the past. But she recalls that the hour glass she touched in the current day had been repaired, so she is desperate for the props guys to fix it. Trouble is, it will take a while. So, she's stuck. And she'a also stuck with dashing Hollywood actor Jack following her around. Despite initially rebuffing him, she actually finds him charming and let's him make his moves.

Lucy is also aware that the movie had a different ending, closer to her ending, but as time goes by and she interacts with people on the set, and the making of the movie, she sees that the happier ending is more appropriate. She also accidentally causes the lead actress to quit the movie in a major misunderstanding, and has to chase her down at the train station to convince her that the movie needs her, and nobody else will do!

Eventually everything leads to the final scenes being shot and big party held on Xmas Eve to celebrate the closing. She's in a dashing silver age of Hollywood dress and dances with Jack but suddenly the studio head (Robert Picardo, Star Trek: Voyager) shows up and wants her head! She dashes off, but not before she learns that the hour glass has been fixed and its out in the parking lot. She explains to Jack who she is, and how she has to return home, and he distracts everyone so she can run out to the parking lot and .... POOF, disappear.

Now, she's back current day, and she completes the movie and its back to a happy ending and everyone is happy.

Buuuuut, she knows that Jack died a year after the movie was made, so she returns to the Biltmore Estate a year later to ... find Jack. He tells her he has been trying to figure out for a year how to make it all happen, and just did so. He tells her that his supposed "death" would have been a studio cover story for his disappearance. They kiss and will live happily ever after, after she is able to set him up with a fake identity and teach him him how to live in the 21st century.

The Formulae: Not as much as one would expect. But there is a tree lighting ceremony, and an Xmas Event, in which there is dancing. And there is hot chocolate. There are tales of parents gone: her mom left her when she was a child, and his parents are dead (dead in the 40s as well as 2023). There is the classic misunderstanding that the leads have to resolve.

Unformulae: Well, I would say that time travel is not normal for Hallmarkies but there have been a few, right? But it doesn't do the formula of PST and Big City and lost job opportunity and old flame, or any of that standard bit. Also, they kiss loooong before the end of the movie, coming to a realization that they care for each other IRL. Also, while the silver number was stunning, I wants me red dresses !!

True Calling? Yeah, as its Christmas and it happens at the Biltmore, IRL.

The Rewind: More a snort and a chuckle as we see the final seen of Lucy's remake movie being shot, and it stars Rachel Boston and Wes Brown, who are both Hallmark Royalty. So.... the movie Lucy was writing was a.... Hallmarkie?!?!

The Regulars: Of course, Bethany Joy Lenz and Polaha has done a few.  I am very disappointed that Picardo and Frakes have not done more, and that I was just not aware.

How does it Hallmark? This is Hallmark "trying to be different" so from my point of view, not so much. I want our tropes, gawddammit !!

How does it movie? This might be the closest I have seen to a well done, properly done scifi romcom. Its still stuck in low-budget Hallmarkie land, but Lenz is just so easy with the role that this could have easily been done as a "proper" movie starring her and Polaha and it could have been good. I also have to say it pulled off the fun of the time travel hijinx rather well, especially when His Merry Wife uberfan sees Lucy in one of the set shots.

How Does It Snow? A decent amount of .... fake snow.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Kandahar

2023, Ric Roman Waugh (Greenland) -- download/Amazon

Called Mission: Kandahar for some reason, now that its on Amazon.

I had downloaded this movie when it first appeared for streaming, but I was subjected to either full sub-titles of the English dialogue, or just sub-titles for the non-English dialogue. Given this was a Saturday or Sunday watch for me (while the Peanut Galley sleeps, and I keep the volume low), I needed both --- optimally, embedded non-English subs and English subtitles I could turn on. So, I decided to wait for it to show up legit, as it was so low impact, I knew it wouldn't take too long on one of the services I have. Alas, when it did, the non-English were indeed embedded, like twice, but there was no English subtitle track to be found. Amazon is so shit at this side of things.

Anywayz, the movie was not what I expected. Much more, in fact. There were two movies that were coming out, which hinged on the unfortunate situations after the US abandoned their mission in Afghanistan. It was very clear that the fates of those (interpreters, local staff, etc.) the US forces worked with were dire. Two movies came out where Afghani interpreters were main characters. This was one, and Guy Ritchie's The Covenant was the other. I will cover that movie at a later date.

So, Aging Action Star Gerard Butler (Greenland) is Aging CIA Agent Tom Harris embedded in Iran pretending to be an Internet technician creating magical underground wifi so the paranoid Iranian army can watch football. But what he and his partner are really doing is tapping into a cable that connects to the local hidden nuclear facility. I mean, it could be about safe cheaper nuclear power, but then why hide it underground? So, they tap in, insert a virus and blow the fucker up. Like, nuclear smoke on the horizon blowed up real good. Good thing most of the radiation was contained underground, says Iranian official to his army / secret police counterpart.

But while the US was executing this mission, a whistleblower leaks the plans to a British journalist in Tehran, whose phone is tapped. She is disappeared and Harris's cover is blown very loudly all over the news. He was about to go on another mission, instead of dutifully going home to his failing family, but instead he take this "one last job" for Roman (Travis Fimmel, Vikings), the local CIA guy in Afghanistan who has also converted to Islam. Roman has flown in interpreter Mo (Navid Negahban, Legion) and he is assigned to Tom when shit hits fan. The only way out for the two of them is a British plane leaving from an isolated airbase near Kandahar.

Meanwhile, a Pakistani secret-agent is tasked with capturing Harris, so as to sell him on the black market. He has just finished negotiating with Afghany warlords, to temper their activities stating that after the whole ISIS thing, anything these guys do can blow back on the rest of the Muslim world, so like, cool it guys. Meanwhile, an Iranian army/secret police guy is tasked with heading to Afghanistan to capture Harris for his Supreme Leader (not Snoke). 

There is a lot of shit going on here. Warlords and ISIS and Pakistan and Iran all blundering into the desert to find and capture/kill Tom Harris and his interpreter Mo, who was only in-country to find his wife's sister. His experience as an interpreter for the Americans was not good, but at least he got out. So many did not, including his son. Harris has his own thoughts on all that, as he carries the memory of his own interpreter who was hanged right after the US and allies pulled out. 

Yes, a lot of shit is going on here but the movie is a classic chase plot, just with more players and the absolute beauty of the empty desert (Saudi Arabia) which somehow still has cell phone reception. There isn't much in the way of espionage, just survival. Are the politics depicted accurate? I don't know, but it felt more than just rah-rah, America great! Even the Iranian army gets some sympathy. 

T&K's XMas (2023) Advent Calendar - Day 22: The Christmas Break

 2023, d. Prarthana Mohan - CTV

The Draw: 
Ireland!

THEIRstory: 
Oh no, a Marvista production. A terrible opening song (I tried to google it and I got no matches but one of the three suggested matches was "Wet Vagina" by Doja Cat at 21%). A snowfall over, I want to say, stock footage of Chicago, but, oh no, it's just a photo of Chicago with a snow globe in front of it. Random pictures of our leads with their families and hobbies and a quick entry into Jack (Justin Long) in a loud red xmas jumper pulling food out of the oven without oven mitts saying he's developed a tolerance from working at a pizza place in high school (like that's a thing). Jack and Caroline (India Mullen) are throwing a holiday party and someone brings their kid (! for shame) and Jack is completely taken with the kid. Caroline looks unimpressed. Post-party, Jack brings up the idea of trying, but Caroline is vying for a VP position, and likes her child-free life, and grew up in a big family and really disliked the chaos..

Cut to Ballyogue Ireland, with Caroline returning home for Christmas, and her family pub, where things seem...different. The pub isn't busy (at 10 am, just two barflies). Is it not the Perfect Small Town she remembers, but Jacks seems to think so. Arriving at home-home, Caroline and Jack greet the family, including one sister (or in-law) with a baby (and Caroline kind of recoils at the site of a baby, again), and another sister (or in-law) with two monstrous scamps who tear out the door the moment it's open like a housecat longing to be out in wild.

Caroline inquires with Mom about the pub's slow patronage, and Mom brings up Cormac O'Leary, Caroline's high school sweetheart, who has opened up a fancy new place in town (obviously competing with Dad's place) and is good looking to a threatening level for Jack (also 'cause it seems Jack is a fair bit older than Caroline and he's maybe a bit insecure about it).

Jack runs into other family out on the football pitch where he learns about Gaelic football from Caroline's niece Saiorse.  Her brother's out on the pitch, but he's not good, but she is but she doesn't feel welcome to play. Traditional gender roles are clearly a thing in PST Ireland. Apparently Caroline's dad and Cormac O'Leary have made a bet on a Christmas Eve Gaelic football match that the losing team of the match will close down their pub. Given that Leary's is already trouncing Reilly's I'm guessing the bet was Caroline's dad's last ditch idea (but nope, it was the brothers. Dad is selling the pub but I guess they don't know that? Why not? Oh, and "closing down the pub" bet is just for Christmas Eve, I guess the busiest pub night in town?).

Caroline talks with the sisters( in-laws?) about families and the foreshadowing of Caroline quitting her job to return to the PST and save her family pub, and start a family is a stomach churning level of upsetting. Jack meanwhile is all about hanging out with the kids, playing, coaching, teaching and learning.  A nighttime talk of kids again doesn't get contentious but it's clear Caroline is uncomfortable with even the idea of kids.

The next morning, Caroline tells the sisters (in-laws?) that she wants to go visit Cormac's pub to "check out the competition" (knowing teasing) and asks them to come. Jack says he'll look after the boys (and their harnesses) and the baby and take them to the Christmas Market. Caroline frets about whether Jack is capable of actually being responsible for the kids. The moment he steps outside the two scamps just bolt again. 

Cormac's pub is packed in the AM. The sisters (in-law?) sing karaoke (Fairytale of New York) while Caroline talks to Cormac. She tries to be resentful of him stealing her dad's business but he clearly has a head for what works and he's dedicated to it. Also, he doesn't want kids or a family. Caroline drops a "Wow, I should have married you." He tells her to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and decide what she wants. He also drops that they're almost 30. Justin Long is, like, my age, which puts a good 15+ years between Jack and Caroline.  Also, Caroline throws up in the bathroom at Leary's and she's maybe preggos(!). So she pops out to the chemists for a pregnancy test, which of course is when she runs into a nosy neighbour.

Jack feeds the scamps sugar, and has to change a baby, which gives the scamps time to bolt again, all sugared up. So he has to chase them through town, leading to a very awkward run in with Caroline outside the chemists. One of the scamps climbs up to the top of a scissor lift, and Jack has to get him, despite being afraid of heights, so he straps the baby to a fiberglass Santa. Nosy neighbour takes the baby, and Jack, returning to the family is in total shit as all of his "cool uncle" plans blow up in his face and the whole family is cross with him. And of course, that night, when Caroline finds out she's pregnant is when Jack starts doubting whether he wants kids.

The next morning the brothers (in-law?) drag Jack out to the pitch after he convinced Saoirse's awkward brother to quit the team. Jack's just a mess out there, somehow never where you need him to be, but always in the way. Jack takes an elbow on purpose to get out of the match and convince Saoirse's dad to let her play. And of course she makes all the difference.

And suddenly Caroline is doing a 180 and wants to buy Dad's pub and Jack can DJ there, and they can have a family and Jack is just reeling from Caroline's dramatic shift. Caroline is clearly panicking. Caroline has a talk with Dad, and Dad tells her he's not selling her the pub. She's got a life and career elsewhere. Good talk.  

Jack and Caroline finally have a talk and get back on the same page. They tell the family of the baby, and have a rollicking Christmas Eve in an Irish pub. 

The Formulae:
A Christmas market. So much family. Mom always busy in the kitchen. The low-stakes race for the couple to find each other and reconcile. 

Unformulae:
Drinking. Sex jokes. Ireland! And the female lead doesn't give up her life, even though it seems to be going that way. That was a bit of a surprise.

True Calling?
No, not at all. "Christmas Break" usually is a term for the period when the kids are off school, but that's not really the deal here. The double meaning could be "break" as in the couple are "on a break", but that's not it either. So I don't get it.

The Rewind: 
The first 65 seconds of the movie I've already rewound three times, because the pictures they use in the opening montage are so dense with details it's hard to parse it all out, but also because there's a picture of Justin Long in a terrible costume by a banner that reads "LARP" that I just needed to capture.

It unfortunately doesn't come into play at all.

The Regulars:
Being that it's set in Ireland and the whole cast is Irish, no regulars. Justin Long did just do a Hallmarkie last year called Christmas With The Campbells, which seemed a bit of a lark, but now I wonder if Long is just totally into doing Christmas Movies?  Also this year he did the Christmas horror It's A Wonderful Knife.

How does it Hallmark? 
You know, not bad. And for being a Marvista production, really not bad. Marvista is responsible sometimes for the worst Hallmarkies ever (A Royal Corgi Christmas anyone?). Getting outside of the usual stable of local or Canadian actors by being in another country often seems to help these productions. There's normally a lot of bad acting, but even the kid actors here are really quite good (the scamps are great).  And they don't try to decorate this Irish town from an American perspective, it all feels very homey, and Christmassy despite not having a tonne of decorations, or any fake snow and whatnot.  There's even a few good chuckles.

I have to say though, I am disappointed this didn't give me a really old school Hallmarkie experience, where the girl goes back home to her perfect small town and rekindles a bit of a flame with her high school boyfriend and has to save a family business and thinks about giving up her big city job for PST life, but then her dick BF arrives, only in this case he's actually a nice BF, but one who she thinks was pressuring her into something she didn't want only to discover she actually did.  But with Justin Long on board, he needed a lot more to do so he's along for the ride to start and it's more a "THEIRstory" then it is a "HERstory". Oh well.

How does it movie?
Nah. It still falls into the under-written, chliche driven storyline, and doesn't have anything new to say. And the production values are still pretty thrifty.

How Does It Snow? 
No snow. None. Except the opening fake out of the Chicago skyline that turned out to be a snow globe.

T&K's XMas (2023) Advent Calendar: Day 21 - Friends & Family Christmas

2023, Anne Wheeler (Christmas Rescue) - download

The Draw: Honestly? Lesbian Hallmarkie, actually done by Hallmark. And Humberly González. Its always nice to see different perspectives and representation. Was expecting this one to be past the whole "oh, look we featured gay people" writing style and just do a story.

HERstory: Dani (Humberly González, Nobody) is a visual artist working in NYC, challenged with finding her vision. Amelia (Ali Liebert, Van Helsing) is a work work work lawyer at her dad's firm expecting to be offered a partnership before Xmas. But Amelia's dad (Barclay Hope, Riverdale) is concerned she is still hung-up on her ex, and wants to set her up. Dad's college buddy suggests coffee with his daughter, who happens to be Dani. Meanwhile Dani is telling her parents she won't be home for Xmas this year because she has been tasked by the arts collective she works at to manage their Xmas silent auction as well as some other Xmas Events. Her parents are very very disappointed, and show up out of the blue. Dani is not impressed.

Amelia and Dani meet for coffee. They are from different worlds. Dani is all cute and perky and brightly coloured. Amelia is prim and business suit. Dani is double-peppermint hot chocolate, Amelia is black coffee. They both realize very quickly this was not meant to be a coffee meetup, but a proper setup despite the two saying NO to their parents. But whatever, they go with it. And hatch an idea. They will pretend it went over really well and be Fake Girlfriends.

I know there is a cliche as to how fast lesbians move into relationships but the movie doesn't even give them time to even fake get to know each other. They go from lying about hitting it off to tons of hanging out while all doing Dani's holiday work work work stuff, and family things, and friends things. Amelia tells her best friend its fake, but I am not sure Dani tells anyone... maybe her gay roommate. 

Everyone seems to roll with them going from Just Met to Oh Such a Nice Couple in the space of 24 hrs. There is not even a whiff of "aren't you moving kind of fast ?" Sure, I guess its the lesbian cliche moved in the same direction of the Hallmarkie "I just met you but I looooove you" aspect. The problem is that I just don't buy it. Sure, they make the requisite googley eyes but the chemistry is just not there.

Actually the whole movie is kind of chemistry free. Its more along the lines of what Everybody Else thinks all Hallmarkies are like: uninspired, running on rails, everybody doing the minimum performance. I was just bored. Too bored to even do a proper recap.

But yeah, all the fake girlfriend stuff is pulled off, they convince everyone until the final day when Amelia realizes it all has to end and breaks it off for real. Dani then explains to her family that she was lying but is now truly hurt that the fake breakup feels like a real breakup.

But the two meet up, and fueled by a Grand Romantic Gesture, and finally kiss. A requisite kiss. No fire for me. I guess they will live happily ever after?

The Formulae: Lots of Xmas everywhere. The set dressers deserve an award for how Xmas they this half-baked cookie of a story. There are two Xmas Events to depict, one is Dani's silent auction and the other is Amelia's cliche office party -- semi-formal. Nobody wears red to the latter. But Amelia wears a nice red dress to the auction. Just nice. There is hot chocolate (double peppermint) and a tree decorating.... kind of; I don't think we actually get to see it. The movie ends on a misunderstanding where Dani has an opportunity but it will separate Amelia and her, even after they begin acknowledging their fake-relationship has grown real. Its weird, cuz its not really a misunderstanding; its the real things happening -- Dani's opportunity did come through and she is taking it and it will separate the two.

Oh, and one trope that is not quite related to Hallmarkies or Xmas but... the living outside your means. There is no way Dani can afford that massive apartment in Brooklyn. Her parents MUST be paying for it.

Unformulae: It takes place entirely in The Big City. No cookie baking, but there are artsy crafted lanterns? 

True Calling? No it doesn't. In the very last scene, where they are having  Xmas Day dinner in Dani's huge apartment, Dani brings up the oft used queer adage about the family you have and the family you make, albeit in a less challenging use. Nobody is here because they have been shunned by blood family members (that they say) but its the source of the title of the movie but it never really plays into the rest of the movie in any significant manner, as all Hallmarkies depict faamily and they depict friends.

The Rewind: Yeah, I am pretty sure there are no douglas firs in any large parks in Brooklyn.

The Regulars: Being of the Vancouver acting family, of course Ali Liebert has done a few of these, as well as roles in much Canadian TV. Barclay Hope is the same. That's about it.

How does it Hallmark? Meh. I appreciate the effort, but not the effort put in.

How does it movie? No.

How Does It Snow? There were some scenes where they were walking along wet side walks with snow collected in the corners and sides that looked actually real, but makes me wonder if they transported it from somewhere actually snowy. But at least it wasn't cotton or rink slush.

Go-Go-Godzilla: The Showa Era in review

As I start writing this, I've just finished gorging myself on all 15 of the Showa-Era Godzilla films plus the godawful American re-edit of the original Gojira (and not getting to see the original Japanese edit of King Kong vs. Godzilla, having had to suffer through the English dub and reedit instead).  I crammed these 16 films into 25 days, however 12 of these 16 I binged within the same week. That's a seriously intense amount of Godzilla. This is the kind of shit I get up to when Lady Kent goes away.

What have I learned about both Godzilla -- and myself -- that I didn't know before?

First, I had always assumed I had seen plenty of Godzilla on Sunday morning TV, but turns out very little of this was familiar to me. I'm sure I had watched some of these over the years, but to be honest, without ever having steeped myself into the lore before, I really couldn't tell one from the other.

What you realize in binge watching Godzilla is there's not nearly as much Godzilla in each movie as you think there would be. I remember when the Gareth Edwards Godzilla came out in 2014 that there were a lot of detractors saying "not enough Godzilla". But when you go back to the original first wave of Toho features, there is truly not that much Godzilla in them.

I recall in my younger years that whatever Godzilla movies I had watched, I had this very same reaction: not enough Godzilla. I think I always intended to seek out the ones that did have more, I just never got around to learning that there really weren't any.  What I feel as an adult is that the best Godzilla movies have human characters you like, and, better yet, care about.  Even the best of those, though, don't ever seem to figure out what to do in the third act when the kaiju battle is taking place. The human story tends to be a two-act structure as set-up for a men-in-rubber-suits wrestling match.

It's amazing to learn that the first film spawned a much lesser-than sequel, and then the third film was actually the Kong crossover. The fourth and fifth were yet again more crossovers with Mothra and Rodan, although the trend became to spotlight a new kaiju rather than Godzilla for a while.

A surprising number of these movies revolve around space aliens trying to take over Earth, too many in fact.  The films are often convoluted, taking wild twists and turns to always wind up in the same place of a monster battle. In their own way, they're formulaic like Hallmark movies, and much like Hallmark movies, these Toho films use the same stable of actors in different combinations as different characters.  It's part of its charm, to be sure, but it also exposes the underlying cheapness to it all.

With the exception of the original, it's not until Godzilla vs Hedorah that it feels like the franchise attempts to be cinematic again. It does take some WILD experimentation in that movie to drag Toho kicking and screaming into the 70's era of filmmaking but it does get there. The final 5 movies of this era are probably its most watchable.  It's also so very stylish. The clothes, the hair, the cars. The men all look sexy, the women all look cute, the earth tones and fall colours are to die for. 

The series contains only a very small sense of continuity from one film to the next, but usually by two films removed it has forgotten its past. By Destroy All Monsters we've reached the turn of the century, and then three films later, with Godzilla vs. Megalon we're back in the 1970s.  In Destroy All Monsters, King Ghidorah is clearly killed, but he's back again in Godzilla vs. Gigan (its very possible this is a timeline thing but I don't care to delve that deeply. The lore just isn't that strong, nor intentional).

The series clearly makes a shift from turning Godzilla from heel to face. By the time of Invasion of the Astro-Monster, he's at worst chaotic neutral. By All Monsters Attack children are idolizing him.  It neuters a very intimidating, very scary cinematic creation, and honestly, outside of Hedorah, there's no creature that's been as scary as Godzilla himself.

The Godzilla costume goes through a real journey through the 20-ish years of the Showa Era...from thick and bulky in the original film, to loose and wrinkly in the 60s films, to a stabilized look throughout the 70's.  The suits of the 70's start looking better and better, except for Anguiras, who always looks goofy and awkward. 

I don't think I realized just how silly so much of Godzilla was, and the silly business of Godzilla is some of my least favourite business. I hated Godzilla dancing in Astro-Monster, and I hate the Mothra conversation with Godzilla and Rodan in Ghidorah.  By the 70's they had learned how to use camp effectively so the silly business in Gigan or Megalon I find easier to swallow...for the most part.  Frankly, the kaiju battles are just silly anyway, so adding intentionally silly shit to them seems like a hat on a hat filled with whip cream.  The drive of course was to appeal to children. Turning Godzilla hero was about appealing to kids, and so the films became more and more tailored for that.  I definitely don't mind entertainment for children...I enjoy it often, but it has to be smart, and treat the kids like they're smart, and not pander. Pandering Godzilla is not great.

I fell asleep through a great many of these movies. I don't know if it was the films or just being overworked, lacking sleep, having too much to do while Lady Kent was away...or if it's that the films are...well, kind of repetitive and boring. Even though most of them are between 80 and 90 minutes, a lot of them seem overlong or padded, especially without interesting characters to drive them.

There were clear standout films for me, and then there were the rest. I'm almost tempted to say I don't even like Godzilla movies after all this, but that's a half-truth. I'm excited to step into the Heisi era and see what influence the 80's and 90's boom in action and sci-fi production had on the series, as well as the dramatic advances in special effects.  But if the story structures wind up the same, I'm not sure if it'll make any difference.  I got really bored with tiny tanks and planes firing their arsenals on Godzilla, and likewise, with the exception of the latter Showa-era films, I found the Kaiju battles pretty tepid, goofy or ludicrous.  

I think there's a trigger in one's brain for falling in love with "suitmation", and what surprises me the most is I don't seem to have that trigger. There are kaiju fans out there who live to see men in rubber wrestle on top of miniature trees or buildings, but I don't think I'm one of those guys (as much as I appreciate the craft of miniatures and suits).  Maybe with later-era art design and filming techniques I'll find some passion for it, but throughout much of Showa era, I just wanted a good human story and for the monster fights to be over quickly.

Ranking Showa Era Godzilla
16. King Kong vs. Godzilla (US Version) - maddeningly bad
15. Godzilla: King of the Monsters (US Version) - less maddeningly bad, but still maddeningly bad
14. Son of Godzilla - pandering kiddie crap
13. Godzilla Raids Again - just boring
12. Invasion of the Astro-Monster - surprisingly boring
11. Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster - the start of anthropomorphism, boo
10. All Monsters Attack - a pretty good short drama merged with a bad Godzilla clipshow 
9. Destroy All Monsters - what most consider a high point took me four attempts to get through
8. Godzilla vs. Megalon - silly, but good silly
7. Godzilla vs. Gigan - good silly, just less silly, but still good
6. Godzilla vs. Hedorah - a valiant attempt to shake up the franchise, a very, very weird movie
5. Terror of Mechagodzilla - much needed feminine energy.
4. Ebirah, Horror of the Deep -  a great adventure with great characters, and the best final fight pre-70s
3. Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla - a film just loaded to the gills with everything you want
2. Gojira - the original is the most potent of any of them
1. Godzilla vs. Mothra - the "Goldfinger" of the franchise, setting the template for what it's to become

In my rankings the top three are kind of interchangeable...any of them could take top spot. The next three (4-6) are equally interchangeable in my ranking, as I changed the order of them many times. 7&8 are quite solidly in place as enjoyable, good-looking entertainment, where as 9 through 14 are the stereotypical Showa era films that I just don't care about. The final two are the American versions of Toho films, edited with new footage to pander to the American audience, and they really, really suck. A lot. 

Kaiju Top 5
There are a LOT of giant monsters introduced in these 16 films. I don't feel like looking them all up, and most of them looked like hot rubber garbage, so here are my favourites:

Special Mention: Gigan. I want to love Gigan, the daddest of dad-bod kaiju, with big metal hooks for hands, and a cybernetic cyclopian eye, and a weird metal beak. But he has a buzz saw in his belly and I just can't get over that.

5. Hedorah. It's like The Blob, but made of toxic sludge, and it flies instead of seeps and creeps.
4. Megalon. A beetle-thing with big jagged handless metal arms. I love its weird metal mandibles.
3. Ebirah. A giant lobster beast, but what a fantastic looking giant lobster beast
2. Godzilla. Because of course. I mean, I hate the suit through the bulk of the Showa era, but the original film looks great and the 70's films get to the Godzilla know and like.
1. Mothra (moth form). I didn't like Mothra as a kid, but something about her just works for me as an adult. I don't really care for her larval form, but I love her beautiful, colourful, furry moth self.

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Next up, the Heisei Era, starting with The Return of Godzilla (or the U.S. version, Godzilla 1985).
But before that, just a straight up review of Godzilla Minus One, a theatrical experience that, no lie, may have accelerated my hearing loss.

T&K's XMas (2023) Advent Calendar: Day 20 - Santa Claus: The Movie

1985, d. Jeannot Szwarc - amazonprime

Santa Claus: The Movie is a big, expensive, often direly boring production that spent so much money on its sets that it feels inclined to shoot laborious sequences within them just to show them off. 

Uncle Clause is a kindly, burly, bearded elder of the northern villages who each year visits the children and delivers unto them a gift for the year's kindnesses.  He travels by sleigh towed by his two hearty reindeer Donner and Blitzen. And 7 minutes into the film, the lot of them, plus Mrs. Claus, all freeze to death.

But wait, something is happening in the stars, and the little people of the north, the Vendegum - "elves" if you prefer - have arrived to save them. Or rather, kidnap them and force them into servitude.  Forced to live forever and deliver all the toys to the children of the world.

There's a whole village, only visible to the elves and special people. This is where the Claus' live now. The brightly garbed Vendegum show them their new home, and the workshop where the elves toil, the elven sleeping quarters, and the toy storehouse which seems infinite.

Dudley Moore plays Patch, who keeps the reindeer, but also invents things in his spare time. And makes elf-based puns (mostly by dropping the "s" in "self" - "elf-control", "elf-conscious).

On Uncle Claus' first outing for "season's greetings' he meets the grand bearded elder of the Vendegum who recites the story of the chosen one, and bestows upon Claus the horrifying "legacy" of "the night of the world... an endless night for you, until your mission is done". 

A montage takes us from the 14th century to the 20th century (with interludes for Santa to create the "naughty or nice" list and to learn about the poem "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"). Then a side story of two elves (Patch and another) who compete for the job to be Santa's assistant, with Patch trying to introduce assembly line and automated manufacturing to the workshop but while the goods are plentiful, they are not up to standards. But without introducing QC to the workshop, nobody knows they're 

Meanwhile, a rich girl in "New York" takes a shining to a street kid, and gives him some food, but treating him like he's a feral cat, leaving food out the back door ("Psst. Little Boy. Hey, boy"). Santa comes across this kid, Joe, and acts like he's never met a street urchin before.  He takes the kid for a ride because he loves all children, and has infinite time on Christmas eve.

The film comes from Alexander and Ilya Salkind, producers of Superman, and you can see, especially in this joyride sequence, that they were wanting to give that majesty of Superman's flying sequences to Santa. They stop in at the rich girl's place and Joe and Cornelia meet face to face.

Over the next few days, all of Patch's mass-produced toys start breaking. Santa's #1 fans, Joe and Cornelia start getting into fights with kids shit-talking Santa for his crappy presents that break. Back at the North Pole, the returns are piling up. "Returns? We've never had returns."  Santa needs to fire Patch, but Patch quits first. He packs up his bindlestick and leaves the North Pole.

Meanwhile, back in America, Cornelia's step-uncle, the slimy B.Z. of B.Z. Toy Company is facing a congressional hearing on his shoddy, dangerous toys, including a teddy bear stuffed with sawdust and glass, and a doll that is utterly flammable. All his toys must be recalled from the market, the company is in dire straits. B.Z. is approached by Patch who wants a job and has an idea. It's made out to be a grand Toy but it's just a puce lollypop with flying powder. Patch builds a flying delivery car to distribute the lollypops everywhere.

A year later, Santa visits Joe again, who's still living on the streets. Way to make a difference in kids lives Santa. Meanwhile the flying lollypops are a hit. Now B.Z. wants something new but Patch wants to go back to Santa. B.Z. convinces patch to make extra-concentrated stardust candy canes for March 25, and they'll call the day Christmas II.  Santa has a crisis of confidence now that he has competition. But Joe and Cornelia overhear B.Z.'s schemes and learn that the candy canes are explosive if they reach too high a temperature.  Patch and Joe become friends, and steal all the candy canes, while Cornelia and Santa set out to rescue them before they explode. The cops show up to shut B.Z. down but he eats too many candy canes and floats away.

Cornelia and Joe go to live with Santa and Mrs. Claus. Meanwhile B.Z. is floating out into space. Horrifying.

What an ineptly scripted and frequently sloppy film. It's basically a series of vignettes for the first half of the film acting as a Santa origin story but without ever really treating Claus as a POV character. The awe and wonder the film is trying to present is totally in the eye of the beholder and not a character we're seeing it all through. I've never seen a Santa Clause movie but I'm sure those present a greater sense of wonder and exploration of the profession of being Santa. 

In the second half of the film, in which Patch leaves the North Pole for "New York" (by way of London) to become a toy maker in the free market system in order to win Santa's respect, doesn't even try to present capitalism in any real sense (it's almost as if the writers didn't understand how corporations work). John Lithgow plays B.Z. and is the only vibrant spot in this movie...he's a cartoon villain that could be straight out of the Muppets or Inspector Gadget. Lithgow's cigar puffing and over-emoting and are doing all the heavy lifting for a lifeless, humourless script. That he comes close to making magic out of nonsense is a testament to his ample comedic senses and acting agility. Dudley Moore seems bored and disinterested, never trying to sell anything as funny (certainly sensing the "elf" puns are sorely beneath him). Just as The Santa Clause (and many other "becoming Santa" movies likely improve upon the first half, Elf certainly bettered the second half, times 1000.

Abandoning Santa for Patch and the kids and B.Z. means Santa Claus: The Movie is barely about Santa, and by dragging its ass so much it barely feels like a movie. I have no doubt I saw this movie as a kid, but I now understand why I never bothered to go back to it. Moof.