A Toast to HallmarKent:
2022, d. Clare Niederpruem - AMC+/rental
The Draw: Back in September when the wife and I were attending the JFL42 comedy festival, this film was an option for the final night of the fest, an 11-ish screening hosted by Vince Vaughan and Peter Billingsly. I actually thought, give Billingsly's involvement, that this was the A Christmas Story sequel. I kind of put it out of my mind altogether until it was brought up on a podcast I was listening to this week, where it was quoted as being like a dirty Hallmark movie. It was my *must watch* movie that night (and I'm three days delayed writing about it due to our friend COVID)
HERstory: Normally I take notes as I watch these films, and the notes become the "Herstory" of the film, but, aforementioned COVID was already I think draining my energy, and so I don't have the beats-by-beats of the movie. I'll have to use my COVID brain to recall what happened because there's no wikipedia recap and I'm not paying for the film again just to recap it.
Jesse (Brittney Snow, Pitch Perfect) is ...well, I'm not actually sure what Jesse is, but she wants to be a photographer. She's been dating Shawn Campbell (Alex Moffatt, Saturday Night Live) for about four years. She's making plans with his mom for their arrival at Christmas, but Shawn has a new job interview at a big firm in New York on Christmas eve and he's not sure he's going to make it for Christmas...oh, and he's dumping Jesse, but, hey, let's keep having sex, ok? (Shawn is very much an extension of Moffatt's sleazy "Guy Who Just Bought A Yacht" character on SNL's Weekend Update)
Jess gets a call from Shawn's mom, Liz (Julia Duffy, Newhart), who invites her to come out for Christmas anyway, which, not having any other options, she does. It's all a little awkward, particularly when Liz explains to Jess that Shawn's ...hornier proclivities come from her side of the family. There are a lot of little asides of Liz and Robert (George Wendt, Cheers) talking or about to engage in sex. I believe at one point Julia Duffy tells George Wendt to take his dick out. I think the funniest scene, though, is their experimentation with purple drank (which is, apparently, grape juice, cough syrup and hard candy).
Liz leaves a pot of meatball stew (or something) simmering on the stove, and takes off into town. Jess is startled when she hears a big crash in the kitchen. Odd noises from the other side of the island, to find a border collie noshing on the meatball stew. A deep voice appears and Jess is taken aback, to see rugged David (Justin Long, Barbarian) standing there. He calls the dog off the food, but the dog just don't listen. He chuckles, then cleans up the mess. They head into town together to buy new ingredients to recreate the meal, where they run into the judgemental ladies of town and the buxom redhead baker Becky (JoAnna Garcia Swisher) who has never gotten over her childhood crush on David.
Over the next two days David and Jess spend a bunch of time together, including finding the legendary wishing tree and seeing that the dog is as smitten with Jess as David is. Meanwhile, Becky and her innuendo keep coming for David, who is clearly not interested.
Of course things get more complicated when Shawn turns up, and is clearly confused as to why Jess, the girl he broke up with is there. Shawn goes to Roberts office and helps him organize and does a little work (Robert had always hoped Shawn would work with him then take over the accounting business, but Shawn always had bigger aspirations). Over the next 24 hours, Shawn starts to have a change of heart about his entire life path and not only decides to stay in town and take over Robert's business, but also propose to Jess (in pretty much the slimiest wedding proposal I've seen in some time). Shawn kisses her, in eyeshot of David, who takes it the wrong way and decides to leave.
But Jess, out snowshoeing in the woods, finds the wishing tree again, just as David's dog makes a run for it towards her and David comes chasing after it. David and Jess find each other again, they clear up the petty complication and they kiss. The Campbells all come together, horny Shawn and horny Becky start dating, and they all have a merry Christmas.
The Formulae: I really should have been taking notes. This seems like such a bog standard Hallmark movie in so many ways. The ridiculous set-up. The girl getting dumped before Christmas. The romantic lead being a rugged outdoorsman. There's a big Christmas light display that is talked about all throughout the movie. There's "the complication" of the ex coming back into the picture. There's some strange local Christmas custom (the wishing tree, see also A Royal Corgi Christmas). I don't remember if there was hot chocolate, but there must have been. Oh, and the PST, which I think was just Vancouver. And a Christmas Dance where people dance to Christmas tunes, which only happens in Hallmarkies. And casting 80's TV actors as the parents.
Unformulae: I so want to call this "horny Hallmark", but it's not really a horny movie. Characters in the movie are horny (mainly Liz and Shawn), but it doesn't translate into making the audience horny. The characters' horniness is used as comedy. Yet, everything else about the movie, beyond the sex talk and swearing, screams typical Hallmarkie. It's kind of bizarre as it's not a parody, it just wants to take the formulaicness and inject a little more ribaldry into it. I also thought it was great that it was Shawn, not Jess, who gives up his climbing-the-ladder career to settle down in the PST.
This also had a little bit more budget, as the Christmas light show, the Campbells put on is pretty nice, though it doesn't over-reach into ridiculousness. As well, they shot it in winter. People actually needed to put coats on to go outside and breath was visible.
True Calling? Beyond calling it Christmas with My Ex's Parents, yeah it's fine. But, now that I think about it, "Christmas with My Ex's Parents" is a pretty good title too.
The Rewind: Not really much making me turn back time on this one. It's not stupidly written or badly directed, or trying to deceive its audience in the same way that Hallmarkies do. I mean, it's far-fetched in its own way, and rugged Justin Long is a bit of a shock at first, but he pulls it off...mostly.
The Regulars: No Hallmarkie regulars, but somehow they seem like they could be.
How does it Hallmark? It's really, really weird. It's familiar but then throws you these bawdy curveballs, which seem out of place, and yet not entirely unwelcome. This seems like a proof of concept for what could be Hallmarkies that acknowledge that people like to have sex with their romance.
How does it movie? So it'ls like Vince Vaughan (Made) and Dan Lagana (American Vandal) took a script from long-time Hallmarie screenwriter Barbara Kymlicka (Amazing Winter Romance), and inserted comedy into it where it doesn't necessarily organically fit. It makes it stand out though. Whether that's good or bad, I don't really know. I kinda liked it, but also kinda didn't. Fun Fact, director Claire Niederpruem also directed A Royal Corgi Christmas...this one is a lot better than that on every front... especially...
How Does It Snow? SO MUCH ACTUAL SNOW! It's like we get so used to seeing cotton batting or soap-flake snow or digital snowfall that seeing actual real snow in a Hallmarkie-type movie is kind of overwhelming. Jess and David even go snowshoeing!
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