T&K's XMas (2022) Advent Calendar Day 8 - A Christmas Movie Christmas

 2019, Brian Herzlinger (Reindeer Games: Homecoming) -- CBC Gem

The Draw: I had a few ideas for this season, to ease the burden of decidng which of the 4000 new Hallmarkies I could watch: food, magic and meta. This one is meta. Very meta. So much meta that at points, I wondered if the terrible elements were intentional, or just actually terrible. But its also magic.

HERstory: We fly in on a rather spectacular snow scene, a snow kissed Picturesque Small Town, and then down to a Leading Man doing his usual schpiel about love and her and ... we zoom out and Eve is about to kiss the Leading Man on her work monitor. Yoinks, does not bode well.

We are meeting Eve (Lana McKissack, 9-1-1: Lonestar) and her sister Lacy (Kimberly Daugherty, Corbin Nash). Eve watches faaaar too many Christmas Hallmarkies, and this one Christmas Cove repeatedly so. Lacy derides her choices, and also picks on her for not putting herself out at work, while interrupting her at work.

This is some Z Grade level movie, where the office shots look & sound more like a corporate training video; some impressively bad acting. And the "impressive work" she is doing looks so low-end, barely corporate newsletter level, let alone magazine spread level. OMG, what have I got myself into?

And our first commercial break. This is CBC Gem where the inserted ads are repeated over and over and over and over. Amazon kicks it off.

We return to the girls watching Return to Christmas Cove where the opening begins as the first movie, Christmas Cove began, but in reverse. The characters were walking away, and now they are walking back, wearing the exact same clothing. If this movie I am watching is bad, the movies she watches are n-th degree worse, especially that smarmy Leading Man.

Eve and Lacy go out walking with their hot chocolate in mugs, mugs upon which you can see the sale stickers on the bottom. Don't set dressers usually clean that stuff up? And they bump into a (Creepy) Magic Santa who is accepting wishes. Eve, of course, wants to be in an Xmas Hallmarkie, and Lacy keeps her wish to herself. But we know that (Creepy) Magic Santa knows.

The girls return to finish the movie (couple leaving Chistmas Cove again....) and we are then given astoundingly low-budget Xmas Magic effects as the two fall asleep on the sofa. Why did they go out walking with hot chocolate again, only to come back to finish the movie? Not sure it was mentioned, not sure it matters. They just needed an encounter with a (Creepy) Magic Santa so we could actually kick off the real meta part of this movie, as the girls wake up, buried under six inches of afghans, wearing matching onesies, and...

"Did you go to bed with your makeup and hair done?" Snort.

Yup, the sisters are inside an Xmas Hallmarkie. They awaken to a GrammGramm they don't recognize, who accepts their hostility with grandmotherly charm, and feeds them perfectly cooked & styled cinnamon waffles.

"They could be arsenic waffles !!" Lacy says. "Don't care, worth it," Eve replies.

Is their acting getting better? Are they actually invested in their characters? GrammGramm is some extra creepy level grandmotherly cheerful, so much so that I am not surprised Lacy expects arsenic in their Picturesque Breakfast. But nope, just tasty tasty carbs.

The sisters head out for a walk around their PST, and... OMG, EVERY WOMAN IN TOWN (and there are LOTS of extras) IS WEARING A RED COAT !! And the trees are covered in ... cotton batting snow. Eve pokes one as she walks by. Snort. They wander around the perfect looking Holiday Falls (at least they are not in Christmas Cove), which looks more and more like the fake houses built for theme parks, in bright gaudy colours, and ... a Christmas Market! Lacy spots Santa, and decides to jump the line.

"What are you going to ask Santa?!" asks Precocious Child with Cindy-Lou Who voice. "I'm going to ask him for some answers !!" replies Lacy. 

(Creepy) Magic Santa is surprisingly forthcoming with the fact he brought the sisters here for their Xmas Wishes, but any further revelations are interrupted when they find out the Christmas Festival is in danger! OH NOES! And guess who gets volunteered to help Save the Christmas Festival? Eve! By this time, Lacy is just tagging along to see WTF is going on, while Eve dives in deep, meeting Hunky Boy number one, Dustin (Ryan Merriman, The Pretender). He's the town handyman and will be helping Eve Save the Christmas Festival. And also Hunky Boy number two, her actual in-story BF, Chad (Randy Wayne, Asking For It [where, he played "douchebag"]) who also happens to be Leading Man from Christmas Cove movies. Ruh roh, love complications! Dick BF from The Big City vs Nice Guy from the PST !! We know who wins.

Back to GrammGramm's house, the gaudily painted single storey house that only has cookies in the fridge and a fucking creepy demonic child toy on a high shelf. The sadistic set dressers for this movie must have hired an Evil Xmas Witch to play GrammGramm, and eventually these two false granddaughters will end up as ingredients in her cookies. No matter, Eve has to decorate the Xmas Tree, which she claims she is terrible at, but in a whirlwind of off-screen cartoony decorating magic, she creates a perfectly hideous decorated pastel coloured tree. Snort. 

By this point, I am beginning to think the people who made this movie HATE Hallmarkies.

Lacy, who really doesn't have any place in this Hallmarkie, eventually begins wandering about on her own, while her sister joins the narrative. Considering there is no getting fat in Hallmarkies, she pops into the cookie place and has a klutzy moment, AND is offered free cookies by Paul (Brant Daugherty, Mingle All the Way), the Cute Baker. Cute Baker instantly becomes her love interest for the B Plot, not that Lacy has asked for it. He also becomes her stalker, an attitude that I thought only we were noticing (Peanut Gallery, "That's fucking STALKER-EY !!") but not long after, Lacy is weirded out as well. I was thinking, that since she was known for dating lots of loser guys, that she could really take advantage of this world for tons of consequence free sex, but we all know sex doesn't happen in Hallmarkies, so she had to satisfy herself with cookies and the non-stop affection from Paul the Bakery Stalker.

Meanwhile, Eve is alternating between Dustin and Chad, who proves himself majorly the Dick BF being farce level cheesy, smarmy, and annoying AF. And he's a snobby "world famous pop star" who will save the Christmas Festival. Or will he? He also has a snooty ex who is out to be a rival, and to scuttle the Christmas Festical. We also learn that in a Hallmarkie, Eve can sing rather well, as long as its only, "Fa La La La La La La..."

I am reaching the point of this recap where I am realizing plot doesn't matter, but there are sooooo many terrible/wonderful moments worth recounting. Sooooo many. Sooooo terrible.

Meanwhile in Amazon TV ad World, Dad is buying a shredder, and is probably shredding the medical bills from his wife's hospital stays. Mom didn't survive.

OH NOES ! Paul, the Bakery Stalker has started sending Lacy love notes, in the form of intricately created greeting cards. They escalate rather quickly, and steeply as he leaves one on the ... bedroom window? Wait, why is their bed in the main floor living room just left of the door?!?! Lacy has had enough, especially considering Window Card has a drawing of her sleeping. OMG ! Annnnd, there is a stalker card in every single tree outside the house! This movie is doubling down on mocking everything about Hallmarkies, and somehow is unbelievably terrible and incredibly charming & actually funny. Its a Christmas Miracle Paradox.

OMG !! Paul the Bakery Stalker, does Kent's arm pumping cute voice !!

SNOW GLOBE AMAZON COMMERCIAL !!

"Thank-You Token Adorable Child !" says Lacy as she confronts Paul the Bakery Stalker about his creepy CREEPY obsession but the Token Adorable Child tries to convince Lacy its alright, in her Cindy-Lou Who voice. By now, Lacy is being worn down and is actually beginning to enjoy herself ! And like Stalker Paul's company. She is now drawing her own hand made cards for him; alas she didn't go with the "her gnawing on his leg" drawing. Snort. Too bad, I would have liked to have seen it.

Toss away scene! Not only could they be saving the Christmas Fair, they could also have to save the Local Dance School.

We are now plowing into Act 3/4 where things are fucking up, and Dennis and Chad have been made aware of each other. Noelle the ex has scuttled the Christmas Festical, Dennis is heart broken, Chad is pissed and will NOT Save the Christmas Festical with his international pop star fame. BUT GrammGramm doesn't got time for Evie's self pitying bullshit ! Time to fix this shit ! Yep, both sisters just yell out "MONTAGE !!" as they proceed to SAVE THE CHRISTMAS FESTIVAL !! Wait, the Christmas Festival is on Xmas Day? Don't people have things to do on Xmas Day, like spend it with family? Not in Hallmarkie Land !!

The Amazon ad song is "You Hold Me Up" by The Bones of JR Jones... with the misheard lyric of, "You hoooold me up, so I get blind."

With the Christmas Festival saved by the montage scene, a gracious Dick BF Chad returns to do a fuuuuuuucking terrible Xmas pop song. And Stalker Paul ugly cries over Cindy-Lou Who's daddy coming home from the war between Belgravia and Montenaro. OK, I made that bit up, but he was a returning soldier. Christmas is saved, Dennis has forgiven Eve, Lacy likes Stalker Paul, Precocious Little Girl has a daddy, Chad is now back with Noelle, GrammGramm is addicted to the best hot chocolate EVER and (Creepy) Magical Santa returns the sisters to The Real World on Christmas Morning. 

O... M... G... and they brought the Hunky Boys ... back with them ?!?? But they don't have a SIN, or a job, or ... well, a real life.

But lookey there, the snow in TRW is .... real.

How did I not remember that Kent also watched this last year ?!?!

The Formulae: Pretty much everything and all things and even more of that. They kept on adding in brief moments of tropes from other movies, even off-handedly mentioning a single Prince being in town. The tropes were buried under the Meta, but also intertwined within it.

Unformulae: The comedy? The comedy that was actually funny? The bad acting that was so bad, I began losing the thread of whether it was intentional, or just low budget or a bit of both... Not sure if the random Scroogey character is formula unless you extend Hallmarkies into Scroogeys land.

True Calling? Of course !

The Rewind: Wait, what is that written on Lacy's butt? You see, she's wearing an Xmas themed union suit that looks like its covered in Xmas lights and written on the butt is, "Out Like a Light!"

The Regulars: Stalker Paul has been in a few, but most of them are not in that circle of actors. I guess it would have been a metastrophe if all the faces were also already familiar Hallmarkie actors?

How does it Hallmark? Beyond the referential material being spot on, the movie itself is ... not? Considering that absolutely nothing is real, how can the budding romances of either sister be considered real at all ? Not that the "I just met you but I love you" aspect of any Hallmarkie is ever realistic, but in this one, they KNOW its being forced upon them, so how can they gain real emotional connection anymore than someone acting in a movie.... except that Stalker Paul and Lacy ended up getting together IRL, so.... make your own conclusions.

How does it movie? So, despite the now rather confusing absolutely low budget feel of the movie, I found myself chuckling and laughing out loud far too many times to not consider this an enjoyable flick all on its own.

How Does It Snow? Brilliantly. When in TRW, there is real snow and when in the Hallmarkie Cinematic Universe, COTTON BATTING ABOUNDS !!