T&K's XMas (2022) Advent Calendar: Day 11 - A Royal Corgi Christmas

 A Toast to HallmarKent
2022, d. Clare Niederpruem - Hallmark

The Draw: Corgis!

That's not even the dog that played Mistletoe
Mistletoe was a Cardigan and that's a Pembroke

HERstory: The Isle of Comfrey, where "playboy" Edmund, the estranged prince, bought his mom the queen *another* corgi for Christmas. Well, actually he won him in a poker game.  He's an untrained, year old pup, so good thing the family have that "corgi wrangler".  Oh, but that posh twit Carrington is a "Royal Corgi Handler...corgis with bloodlines that go as far back as your own.  At a year old the dog is unable to be trained, at least by Royal standards," he snootily remarks.  (The corgi wrangler is also snogging the princess on the side and he has an inferiority complex about it).  At a really, really sad press junket the Queen is holding for the purpose of - unbeknownst to Prince Edmund-- announcing his ascension to King, "Mistletoe" (what he named the Corgi) runs amok and hauls the runner off the buffet, knocking all the food to the floor (why was there food there anyway? Are press conferences typically catered with ham?), and the video of it becomes a viral internet sensation.

Across the pond, Cecily (Hunter King, Nailed It!) is a dog trainer and author (a book on dog training called "DOG-MA: How to parent your pup") promoting her book on a talk show.  It's implied that she recently went through a break up (a story point given very little weight but is meant to be a big emotional underpinning of Cecily's character). Her gay bff and/or press agent (oh, manager...) is a royal watcher, and sees "Mistletoe" as a big opportunity for Cecily to promote her... training?  (Oh, wait, it's to promote her "Rover Rehab" charity where they train and socialize adult dogs).  But from Edmund's perspective, if he can turn his corgi around then he maybe will prove himself King-worthy to mumsy (don't ask me how this plan makes any sense).

Arriving at the "castle" (the ugliest castle I've ever seen, which just may be a superimposed cardboard cut out in wide shots)  Cecily is brought to Mistletoe who's barking away while Edmund's fencing trainer is clearly letting him win because that was some shitty fencing, even from my untrained eye.  Cecily's first encounter with Edmund is basically "oh good, you're here, fix my dog, don't talk to me. C-Ya!"  Cecily's like "But this is your dog, you have to be part of it"... but he's already gone.

Cecily meets Carrington, the Royal Corgi Handler, who snootily shits all over Cecily "the youtube trainer" to her face and ah-ah-ah's her attempt to pet the royal corgis Juniper and Holly. Cecily explains to the family that she doesn't train dogs, she trains people to train dogs, and Edmund's like "Not me" and she's like "Yeah you" and he's like "Nuh uh" and she's like "Yuh huh, or I'm Audi five thousey.  Tah-tah."  The Queen's impressed.

First session of dog training proves that Edmund doesn't know shit about dogs.  It's reiterated over, and over, and over again that Edmund hasn't spent much time in Comfrey for the past decade, but he needs to become reacquainted with his country and people if he's to be king... "the least qualified monarch ever" he calls himself. Cecily has ideas on how he can endear himself to his people (and it sounds something like holding a charity event for Plover Plehab).  According to the princess (earlier in the film), talking to Carrington, Edmund already has a complex about people using him for his title or his money... I'm sure that's not going to come up again.  

Out on the streets with Cecily and Mistletoe, Edmund starts to meet and greet the people, including a little orphan boy name "Pee-tah" who just loves Mistletoe.  Edmund takes inspiration and delivers Christmas presents to the orphanage, and then plays some basketball with the kids.  It's weird.  Later Edmund asks Cecily to dinner...not a date, just going to dinner and having a nice time.  But dinner was reserved under the prince's name, so the paparazzo will be swarming.  So instead the prince and Cecily go to the kitchen and make "Comfrey Pie" and talk about Churro, the dog she lost after a breakup (no lament over the relationship), and then they dance. But oh no, the pie starts burning after 4 minutes.  Um, how hot is that oven? 

A corgi derby, with betting for charity. A Christmas ball.  An invitation to the Christmas ball.  Awkward feelings abound. Scheming and plotting from the Royal Corgi Handler whom we suspected all along would be scheming an plotting.  The misunderstanding (sigh).  The Queen retiring (at, like, what? 60?) and announcing a new... queen(not Edmund!). A reconciliation. Corgis corgis corgis. This is a bad, bad, bad, bad, movie

The Formulae: Baking time (not a montage though). Fake traditions - the Legendary Wishing Tree of Comfrey, where the royal family (and guests) tie a ribbon around the tree's branches (congrats to the set decorators for actually weathering some, but not enough, of the ribbons already on the tree).  Hot Chocolate (for the Queen).  A ball.  The blue dress. The bullshit misunderstanding where the dude gets all in a snit because he he's given a piece of information about the girl which completely changes his mind about her, because Hallmark people never understand how to put things into context.

Unformulae: There have been pet-based Hallmarkies, and Prince-based Hallmarkies...but has there ever been a pet-based, Prince-base Hallmarkie?  Probably. With the exception of someone using the words "corgi wrangler", there's nothing unformulaic about this.  Everything is predictable and completely telegraphed.  

True Calling? I guess there are royal Corgis, and it's Christmas, but the "Christmas" part is sooo shoehorned in.  It's very much like they did not have the budget to really do up the Christmas aspect.

The Rewind: I rewound to see what the title of Cecily's book was called.  It wasn't worth the extra seconds.  In a "movie" with corgis, that I didn't once rewind to see some fun/cute corgi action really underlines how terrible this movie is.

The Regulars: This is from the writer of Merry & Bright  and The Nine Kittens of Christmas (the most disappointing Hallmark experience I've ever had) so I shouldn't be surprised by how not great this was.  This is Hunter King's first Hallmarkie, and I just feel so bad for her, she seems better than this.   Surprisingly it's everyone's first Hallmarkie (save the writer and director).

How does it Hallmark? The romance is soooo forced.  Some might say obligatory.  All the emotional moments (dead father talk, parental issues, sibling issues, extended family issues) all ring very hollow.  There's no chemistry between any of the players here (no romantic chemistry, no sibling chemistry, no familial chemistry, no royal chemistry).  Nobody even seems *that* attached to the corgis (and the corgis don't seem attached to any of these people).  Comfrey is the worst fictional European territory.This is bad, even by bad Hallmark standards.  One of the worst ever. 

How does it movie? Audio quality bad.  Set decoration...so bad... certainly no "the Crown", is also no "Princess Switch"...it's not even "King of Queens".  It's real bad you guys. It's like dollar store posh.  The wardrobes, equally bad.  The bloody queen wears the same bloody outfit (which looks straight off the TJ Maxx/Winners rack) twice in seemingly as many days.  And there's no sense of royal decorum or formality. The queen's private secretary, Hobbs, totally has the hots for the queen and then makes the moves on her before the Christmas ball.  For serious? Or the royal line of succession is so informal as to surprise someone with the news that they're taking over?  I wish this was even fun bad but it's just so painful.

How Does It Snow? As if things couldn't get any worse... no snow. None.  At all.