T&K's XMas (2023) Advent Calendar: Day 20 - Santa Claus: The Movie

1985, d. Jeannot Szwarc - amazonprime

Santa Claus: The Movie is a big, expensive, often direly boring production that spent so much money on its sets that it feels inclined to shoot laborious sequences within them just to show them off. 

Uncle Clause is a kindly, burly, bearded elder of the northern villages who each year visits the children and delivers unto them a gift for the year's kindnesses.  He travels by sleigh towed by his two hearty reindeer Donner and Blitzen. And 7 minutes into the film, the lot of them, plus Mrs. Claus, all freeze to death.

But wait, something is happening in the stars, and the little people of the north, the Vendegum - "elves" if you prefer - have arrived to save them. Or rather, kidnap them and force them into servitude.  Forced to live forever and deliver all the toys to the children of the world.

There's a whole village, only visible to the elves and special people. This is where the Claus' live now. The brightly garbed Vendegum show them their new home, and the workshop where the elves toil, the elven sleeping quarters, and the toy storehouse which seems infinite.

Dudley Moore plays Patch, who keeps the reindeer, but also invents things in his spare time. And makes elf-based puns (mostly by dropping the "s" in "self" - "elf-control", "elf-conscious).

On Uncle Claus' first outing for "season's greetings' he meets the grand bearded elder of the Vendegum who recites the story of the chosen one, and bestows upon Claus the horrifying "legacy" of "the night of the world... an endless night for you, until your mission is done". 

A montage takes us from the 14th century to the 20th century (with interludes for Santa to create the "naughty or nice" list and to learn about the poem "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"). Then a side story of two elves (Patch and another) who compete for the job to be Santa's assistant, with Patch trying to introduce assembly line and automated manufacturing to the workshop but while the goods are plentiful, they are not up to standards. But without introducing QC to the workshop, nobody knows they're 

Meanwhile, a rich girl in "New York" takes a shining to a street kid, and gives him some food, but treating him like he's a feral cat, leaving food out the back door ("Psst. Little Boy. Hey, boy"). Santa comes across this kid, Joe, and acts like he's never met a street urchin before.  He takes the kid for a ride because he loves all children, and has infinite time on Christmas eve.

The film comes from Alexander and Ilya Salkind, producers of Superman, and you can see, especially in this joyride sequence, that they were wanting to give that majesty of Superman's flying sequences to Santa. They stop in at the rich girl's place and Joe and Cornelia meet face to face.

Over the next few days, all of Patch's mass-produced toys start breaking. Santa's #1 fans, Joe and Cornelia start getting into fights with kids shit-talking Santa for his crappy presents that break. Back at the North Pole, the returns are piling up. "Returns? We've never had returns."  Santa needs to fire Patch, but Patch quits first. He packs up his bindlestick and leaves the North Pole.

Meanwhile, back in America, Cornelia's step-uncle, the slimy B.Z. of B.Z. Toy Company is facing a congressional hearing on his shoddy, dangerous toys, including a teddy bear stuffed with sawdust and glass, and a doll that is utterly flammable. All his toys must be recalled from the market, the company is in dire straits. B.Z. is approached by Patch who wants a job and has an idea. It's made out to be a grand Toy but it's just a puce lollypop with flying powder. Patch builds a flying delivery car to distribute the lollypops everywhere.

A year later, Santa visits Joe again, who's still living on the streets. Way to make a difference in kids lives Santa. Meanwhile the flying lollypops are a hit. Now B.Z. wants something new but Patch wants to go back to Santa. B.Z. convinces patch to make extra-concentrated stardust candy canes for March 25, and they'll call the day Christmas II.  Santa has a crisis of confidence now that he has competition. But Joe and Cornelia overhear B.Z.'s schemes and learn that the candy canes are explosive if they reach too high a temperature.  Patch and Joe become friends, and steal all the candy canes, while Cornelia and Santa set out to rescue them before they explode. The cops show up to shut B.Z. down but he eats too many candy canes and floats away.

Cornelia and Joe go to live with Santa and Mrs. Claus. Meanwhile B.Z. is floating out into space. Horrifying.

What an ineptly scripted and frequently sloppy film. It's basically a series of vignettes for the first half of the film acting as a Santa origin story but without ever really treating Claus as a POV character. The awe and wonder the film is trying to present is totally in the eye of the beholder and not a character we're seeing it all through. I've never seen a Santa Clause movie but I'm sure those present a greater sense of wonder and exploration of the profession of being Santa. 

In the second half of the film, in which Patch leaves the North Pole for "New York" (by way of London) to become a toy maker in the free market system in order to win Santa's respect, doesn't even try to present capitalism in any real sense (it's almost as if the writers didn't understand how corporations work). John Lithgow plays B.Z. and is the only vibrant spot in this movie...he's a cartoon villain that could be straight out of the Muppets or Inspector Gadget. Lithgow's cigar puffing and over-emoting and are doing all the heavy lifting for a lifeless, humourless script. That he comes close to making magic out of nonsense is a testament to his ample comedic senses and acting agility. Dudley Moore seems bored and disinterested, never trying to sell anything as funny (certainly sensing the "elf" puns are sorely beneath him). Just as The Santa Clause (and many other "becoming Santa" movies likely improve upon the first half, Elf certainly bettered the second half, times 1000.

Abandoning Santa for Patch and the kids and B.Z. means Santa Claus: The Movie is barely about Santa, and by dragging its ass so much it barely feels like a movie. I have no doubt I saw this movie as a kid, but I now understand why I never bothered to go back to it. Moof.