3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Back in Action

2025, Seth Gordon (Baywatch) -- Netflix

OMG I think "Baywatch" is from The Dark Year, a movie we probably watched in 2018 but I never wrote about. I know we did watch it, were not impressed, and I am not going to rewatch it, in order to actually write about it. Nope, not gonna.

I am not surprised this is by the guy who did Baywatch. It is that bad, going past the "digestible" label and deep into the over-boiled, over-salted pablum stage. And probably not going to get the response it wants for Cameron Diaz's return to acting after a 10 year absence. I am not quite sure I even noticed her absence, which is no slight on her, just that other than the Shrek movies, she wasn't doing anything I was paying attention to. To make that choice, to just step away from it all, must have been difficult, as long as you ignore the golden parachute she would have. And to be fair, nothing about this movie is on her, or even on Foxx -- they are giving exactly what the movie expected of them.

And also to be fair, this is probably exactly what the movie intended on being, its just that that intent is not very ... admirable? Maybe it's Netflix. I have already commented on the Netflix-style of action-thriller, usually starring Ryan Reynolds, but maybe it's more than a Netflix way of making movies, but maybe it's understanding its viewers? These movies seem built for not-paying-attention; there are no level of details in the movie that you can lose when you are looking at your phone, grabbing a snack or using the washroom. There are movies that you pause when you get up from the sofa, and movies you don't bother, cuz you aren't going to miss anything important. And maybe if it still hits all the notes you want when you look up from your phone, its doing alright by itself?

The movie starts with a hot-opener, an intro to our super spies, Matt (Jamie Foxx, White House Down) and Emily (Cameron Diaz, Knight and Day), wading into a villain's lair to steal a MacGuffin. They are supposed to be all subtle sly secretive, but they fail at that, and punch shoot and kick their way out, to rendezvous with British agent Baron (Andrew Scott, Ripley), who has a thing for Emily. He puts them on a plane to bring the MacGuffin to London, but in-flight they are attacked -- the British agents on the plane were killed and replaced. We assume Baron betrayed them. They punch and shoot and kick and blow the plane up, parachute out, apparently losing the MacGuffin. Also, Emily has confessed she is pregnant, and Matt is willing to whatever she wants. On the ground they decide their current life cannot do well to raising a kid so they let everyone assume they are dead (plane blowed up, remember) and go into hiding.

Fifteen years later, they are suburban soccer moms, uncool to their kids (they now have a second) and their spy life is in the past. Unnnntil they follow their teen daughter to a night club she has bluffed her way into, and have to punch and kick and shoot the night club thugs. Insert some excuses about taking self-defense courses. Of course, this outs them, and the Bad Guys come a-gunnin' shooting up the nice suburbia place they live as they escape with the kids, who don't get any explanation beyond "surprise vacation to London, England!"

Matt has admitted that he actually kept the MacGuffin and that is what everyone still wants. And he hid it in Emily's mom's place, a mansion in the English countryside, where she is a retired MI6 legend who is estranged from Emily, for being a Bad Mom. Parallel BS between Emily and her daughter, blah blah, everyone has to work together to get the MacGuffin while also making sure Baron, now head of MI6, doesn't catch up with them. Fight fight, shoot shoot, chase chase, quip quip quip. Kabooms.

I watched this over a few days of WFH lunches and only completed it because it didn't matter. I could watch in bursts of 25 mins or so, and lose very little in the gaps. And, of course, I didn't really care if I did. Why watch it then? Yes, the excuse that I want a movie that is that level so I can watch during WFH days, but also I do admittedly like the spy-action-thriller genre, even in the Lite form. Its just that nothing is invested in this movie beyond the bare minimum. I mean a lot of money is invested in it, but nobody cares enough to make it Good. And while this has been a problem in Hollywood for as long as they have been punching out movies, I still come along hoping they will do just enough to tip it over.

They didn't.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Canary Black

2024, Pierre Morel (Taken) -- Amazon

I guess there is a micro-trope for assassin movies to begin on the top of a building (in Tokyo, for bonus points) so the killer can rappel down the side and, either enter spectacularly, shattering the window, or just go in all sneaky sneak. Also, bonus points if she wears a very audacious wig. I am not sure why CIA operative Avery Graves (Kate Beckinsale, Underworld) needed to be wearing a wig to sneak into the building-top home of some Japanese Bad Guy, only to drop it on the floor as she was leaving, but sure, she had to do her.

Kate Beckinsale is not an "aging" action/thriller star. She is only 51. OK, sorry, maybe that is long after the age at which an actor is considered "aging" by the status quo ? Either way, she is not presented as aging -- the character could be anywhere from 35 to 45. But either she is feeling it, or she is just not skilled at the running and diving. I know that most of the key scenes are via a stunt double, but there are a few where she has to sprint down a hallway in boots-not-made-for-assassin-work and she just looks.... awkward. At least Keanu's troubled running was explained away by the fact he had just been battered against the side of a car. What I am trying to say is that if Graves is not presented as an "old" character, then maybe not having her doing the "old man run" is a good idea? Give her sensible assassin shoes to run in.

I am power-rewatching thru the Craig Bond films (Bond, Craig Bond, James's lesser known cousin) and as they start in 2006 and end with "No Time to Die" in 2021, where Craig was 53, after a career of being battered against EVERYTHING (Bond, not Craig) at least he has an excuse.

Anywayz, after a job well done she returns home to her Oblivious Hubby (Rupert Friend, Hitman: Agent 47) and talks about her business trip, and his coming business trip and their happy happy love love life. Its their anniversary and she has screwed it up with novelty undies while he got her a really cool leather short coat. She sucks at the lovey dovey stuff. And that's because her mind is always on The Job, especially the tracking down of ultra-anonymous assassin called Kali.

Anywayz, later on, after a debrief about the intel she got in Japan blah blah Kali blah blah, she comes home to find the place wrecked and her husband gone. An altered voice (why alter, unless she is expected to recognize them?) tells her they have her husband and if she wants him back alive, she has to grab a secret file hidden in the tooth of a detainee at a CIA black site. She knocks the tooth out of the guy, which sets off the alarm bells, but alas, there is no file. But now Avery is on the Naughty List.

What was the file? Something called Canary Black, something about a list of blackmail material for all the key people in the world including espionage agents and world leaders. "If it gets out...." Anywayz, Avery has to get the file or they kill her husband. And the CIA is now after her.

What follows is a chase-me, chase-me movie. Since the tooth was empty, which is never explained (or if it was, I was not engaged enough to remember), she has to find it another way. One way is beating up her boss's (Ray Stevenson, Ahsoka) boss and using his access to a Top Secret Computer in a Top Secret Building but once she has the file, she discovers (via "hacker friend" with requisite haircut) the file is not blackmail but a more appropriate spy-movie computer virus that can "take down countries". With the virus the Bad Guys can blackmail the entire world into giving them trillions of dollars/euros/whatnot. Let the chase-me continue!

At least it was not "a list" of the identities of spies around the world as per "Skyfall" but I suppose the fake-out had it as a list.

Its not a "bad" movie, but neither is it a very "good" movie, more stock n trade for Straight To Streaming. Beckinsale will always look good in right leather and it was nice to see the last movie of Ray Stevenson. It tosses in a minor twist for good measure and it does present a nice romp around Eastern Europe for good measure. If I was ever to "rank" my Women with Guns tag, it would be around the middle of the lot, and its most definitely not going to be Morel's new Taken.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Kandahar

2023, Ric Roman Waugh (Greenland) -- download/Amazon

Called Mission: Kandahar for some reason, now that its on Amazon.

I had downloaded this movie when it first appeared for streaming, but I was subjected to either full sub-titles of the English dialogue, or just sub-titles for the non-English dialogue. Given this was a Saturday or Sunday watch for me (while the Peanut Galley sleeps, and I keep the volume low), I needed both --- optimally, embedded non-English subs and English subtitles I could turn on. So, I decided to wait for it to show up legit, as it was so low impact, I knew it wouldn't take too long on one of the services I have. Alas, when it did, the non-English were indeed embedded, like twice, but there was no English subtitle track to be found. Amazon is so shit at this side of things.

Anywayz, the movie was not what I expected. Much more, in fact. There were two movies that were coming out, which hinged on the unfortunate situations after the US abandoned their mission in Afghanistan. It was very clear that the fates of those (interpreters, local staff, etc.) the US forces worked with were dire. Two movies came out where Afghani interpreters were main characters. This was one, and Guy Ritchie's The Covenant was the other. I will cover that movie at a later date.

So, Aging Action Star Gerard Butler (Greenland) is Aging CIA Agent Tom Harris embedded in Iran pretending to be an Internet technician creating magical underground wifi so the paranoid Iranian army can watch football. But what he and his partner are really doing is tapping into a cable that connects to the local hidden nuclear facility. I mean, it could be about safe cheaper nuclear power, but then why hide it underground? So, they tap in, insert a virus and blow the fucker up. Like, nuclear smoke on the horizon blowed up real good. Good thing most of the radiation was contained underground, says Iranian official to his army / secret police counterpart.

But while the US was executing this mission, a whistleblower leaks the plans to a British journalist in Tehran, whose phone is tapped. She is disappeared and Harris's cover is blown very loudly all over the news. He was about to go on another mission, instead of dutifully going home to his failing family, but instead he take this "one last job" for Roman (Travis Fimmel, Vikings), the local CIA guy in Afghanistan who has also converted to Islam. Roman has flown in interpreter Mo (Navid Negahban, Legion) and he is assigned to Tom when shit hits fan. The only way out for the two of them is a British plane leaving from an isolated airbase near Kandahar.

Meanwhile, a Pakistani secret-agent is tasked with capturing Harris, so as to sell him on the black market. He has just finished negotiating with Afghany warlords, to temper their activities stating that after the whole ISIS thing, anything these guys do can blow back on the rest of the Muslim world, so like, cool it guys. Meanwhile, an Iranian army/secret police guy is tasked with heading to Afghanistan to capture Harris for his Supreme Leader (not Snoke). 

There is a lot of shit going on here. Warlords and ISIS and Pakistan and Iran all blundering into the desert to find and capture/kill Tom Harris and his interpreter Mo, who was only in-country to find his wife's sister. His experience as an interpreter for the Americans was not good, but at least he got out. So many did not, including his son. Harris has his own thoughts on all that, as he carries the memory of his own interpreter who was hanged right after the US and allies pulled out. 

Yes, a lot of shit is going on here but the movie is a classic chase plot, just with more players and the absolute beauty of the empty desert (Saudi Arabia) which somehow still has cell phone reception. There isn't much in the way of espionage, just survival. Are the politics depicted accurate? I don't know, but it felt more than just rah-rah, America great! Even the Iranian army gets some sympathy. 

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One

2023, Christopher McQuarrie (Edge of Tomorrow) -- cinema

Thanks to Kent for seeing this for the second time, so as to indulge me.

Thanks to the major amount of brain fog being suffered the day of, and not really the two-shot bourbon sour (man, do I enjoy VIP viewing; comfy seats and "table service" is how I only ever want to see movies now) but I didn't and don't really have much to say about the movie. It was ... alright. 

I was not as annoyed about it as much as I found myself being about the other ones, which was solidified by a recent undocumented backwards (in reverse order) rewatch. So many thing about them just bug me, primarily being the fact that the IMF and/or Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Young Guns) keep on getting disavowed each and every movie! And not in the manner that they are warned about in the self-destructing "tapes" that kick off many adventures, but in the way that the US government decides they are too-rogue this time. But, of course, they do end up Saving the World, so all is forgiven. Until the next movie.

But did anything really stick with me? Kinda sorta maybe? How do I communicate that it made no emotional impact on me at all, and throughout the entire movie I was pretty much evenly engaged but nothing impressed me. It was a blockbuster movie, full of spectacle and pretty people. That is all.

OK, that annoys me in retrospect. At least in the previous movies, there were scenes of spectacle that are more than memorable.  The swirling around inside the really stupid stupid data centre from Rogue Nation - as a computer reference, its dumb, but it looked really cool. And the destruction of The Kremlin from Ghost Protocol was wow-ing even if it was really just another instance of Tom Cruise Running; major level destruction is always impressive (though really disappointed we have not at least done a passing reference to the re-building of the Kremlin in following movies). 

So, in this movie, we are supposed to be wow-ed by the train-wreck (*cough* and *snort*) and by the mountain motorcycle jump. But to be honest, I did it better while playing Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. I say I because it was me holding the controller. I will have to rewatch The Movie to see if Nathan Drake did some train-hopping (better or worse?) in that movie (speaking of non-memorable movies). But to be honest the whole "vehicle hanging off the edge" was done better in 2012. This was by-the-numbers only. And the jump? Well, once you have watched the impressive BTS (not the band) footage, the actual shot is boring. The actual stunt is fucking incredible and ... wow, does it severely diminishes what Hunt does.

The central MacGuffin of this movie is an AI, another quantum computer cast in brass, that ... goes rogue? I honestly cannot remember whether the computer went rogue or the US Govt introduced something to make it go rogue, but there it is, a Bad Guy AI that Ethan is tasked with finding ... before any other world government finds it. The mildly interesting idea here is that the US Govt is not necessarily the Good Guy in this movie, so Ethan and team are more about neutralizing this AI than claiming it for the Good Ol US of A. Like most MacGuffin AIs of late, its one of the types that can "control any network, any system". 

Nathan re-enlists Ilsa (does it seem weird referring to them by first name, like they are friends? Rebecca Ferguson, Silo) who is on the run from a number of people (weird bit of unexpected continuity) as she intercepted half of a Key that is used to unlock the MacGuffin. They make some point about how the key can be verified by matching it with its make, making it do the slide & clicky thing, and then the red lights go green. Couldn't anyone just hire Adam Savage to make a fake key-pair prop that could convince someone they have the key(s) ? That way, Hunt can take the one half of the key he has and let the Bad Guys run around with the Fake Key(s) until they locate the actual AI. Alas no, best to find the other half of the Key.

The Meeting of the Key is probably my favourite sequence, taking place in an airport where IMF Recruit (I mean, why else is she in the movie?) Grace the Thief (Hayley Atwell, Christopher Robin) is making a deal. Nine thousand pick pocket deceptions, and one nuclear fakeout later, Ethan and Grace are making googly eyes at each other; but can you blame him? Her, I expect better taste. 

The airport sequence leads to a super-charged Fiat car-chase in Rome which leads to a fancy dance club (sans John Wick) where all the pretty people are pulled together in a single room: Ethan, Ilsa, Grace, returning Bad Guy White Widow (Vanessa Kirby, About Time) and new Henchperson Paris (saying it that way makes me want to see a bunch of shorts called "The Further Adventures of Henchperson Paris" directed by Luc Besson; Pom Klementieff, Old Boy) -- briefly. This scene leads to what should be the most annoying bit of the movie, the fridge-ing of Ilsa, but I had already heard about it through a spoiler, and honestly, we cannot have TWO women competing for the affections of Ethan Hunt. That would just be (more) unseemly than 30sumthin ladies being chased after by 60suthin Hunt. So yeah, someone's gotta die. I am more rolling my eyes than annoyed at this point.

The Death of Ilsa barely phases Hunt and they are off chasing the Orient Express (sans Hercule Poirot) before White Widow does her deal with the Key(s). Ethan misses the train, so has to do the Jump Bike Off Mountain stunt, but (hand-wavey) whatever, land on train via parachute (yawn). Fight Bad Guys, train go boom, and Ethan and Grace end up doing the climbing-through stunt as the train crashes all around them. Wait, is THIS the Big Destruction bit of the movie? The fact they just fucked the Orient Express and one of its world famous routes? Maaaaybe?

So, train saved (not really), and Ethan is off to find the MacGuffin AI before anyone else does.

And Grace is officially subbing for Ilsa. And they have a NEW new recruit -- Henchperson Paris, who is all Ethan-Didn't-Bonk-Me-on-the-Head-With-a-Pipe-So-I'm-Reformed-Now which I am entirely fine with. And... the movie ends. Oh yeah, two-parter thingy. I didn't actually forget this time, like I did with Spider-Verse.

So, they have the key(s). So, why not just toss them/it into a volcano and be done with it. The MacGuffin AI can sit in the bottom of the ocean and no other world Govt can make use of it. Is it just because its still somehow active, doing Arch Villainy stuff via some sort of uplink? So, then, just kill that. Like, bomb the fuck out of the submerged... sub. By now, I have lost the thread of what the IMF is doing beyond getting from point A to B and doing things along the way, and always with the running.

What I Have Been Watching: Back to the TV - Pt B

What I Have Been (or Am) Watching is from The Domein of Toast, he (i) admittedly spending too much (almost all?) time in front of the TV. Kent's not stepping on toests but yeah, he (me) has a piles of TV shows in progress and maybe doesn't have has too much to say about it.

Pt. A is here.

A handfull of one-(or couple)-episoders.

Citadel, 2023, Amazon Prime

The TV is very very heavy with Spy TV this year, and I thought this would be the one that would stand out, adding a bit of Mission Impossible glitz to all the by-the-books British & American style thrillers. It has the sex appeal and sexy sexy people. It has a MacGuffin in a briefcase and even neat names for Good Guys vs Bad Guys (Citadel vs Manticore; wouldn't it be neat if a show just used two random D&D monsters as the agency names? Owlbear vs Illithid?) but whether it will stand out for me, or not, is yet to be determined because.... well, ep01 did not catch me.

Annnnd, how is that only a week and a bit since I watched the first episode, and I don't recall very much about it, at all ? I remember a fight on a train, and sexy Priyanka Chopra Jonas, and a jump forward to a memory deficit Richard Madden (he doesn't remember what happened on the train, nor who he actually is), and that's... it. I am thinking I may have fallen asleep and will have to rewatch ep1. 

The Power, 2023, Amazon Prime

Heroes from a feminist viewpoint -- it's shameful that in 2023, we are still so far away from basic, accepted by all, equal rights, to the point we have to use angry, superhero media to express the point. Or maybe in this current era of the back-treading of such rights, this show is even more needed? 

The show begins with many viewpoints focusing on the emergence of a (super)power exhibited by a subset of young girls - an electrical power. There are abused orphan Allie (Halle Bush, debut) and Seattle highschooler Jos (Auli'i Cravalho, Moana) in the US, Roxy (Ria Zmitrowicz, Mr. Selfridge) the gangster's daughter in the UK, and aspiring [not girl] reporter/YouTuber Tunde (Toheeb Jimoh, Ted Lasso) in Nigeria, who observes it happening to the girls in his town. The worldly viewpoints create the setting as a global event, literally Girl Power metaphor come to life.

It's pretty easy to see that the show will be about the ostracization of these young girls for having an ability few (want to) understand but only see as dangerous. Oh, it can be very dangerous, but I have a feeling the electrical power is just the stepping stone towards something else. Hopefully it treads more than the political statement, and gives itself room to breathe.

Wolf Pack, 2023, Paramount+

We did three episodes and this was a big a nope from me.

I had recalled this from last year as the next (big) thing for Sara Michelle Gellar (Buffy-verse) as a werewolf hunter, but only recently remembered it had already aired. I grabbed three episodes. It starts strong enough, maybe even impressively, in a massive wildfire threatening a small northern California town. Tree line burns, animals are panicking and a school bus full of kids is trapped on a jammed road. There is a stampede, and the kids are caught in it. It is a brutal, bloody, deadly encounter full of smoke and panic and ... something else hiding in the smoke, grabbing kids, biting a few, slaughtering others. But my first hint of the lunacy (pun intended) should have been recognized, when the best reaction to the terrible situation would have been GET BACK ON THE BUS. The kids weren't hiding from the fire, but from the stampede. And yet they ran around like panicking rodents. The rest of the two episodes had me yelling at the screen for all the Why Are You Doing That's.

Plot. Two of the kids are bitten during the stampede -- Blake (Bella Shepard, A Girl Named Jo) and Everett (Armani Jackson, Chad); Blake runs off because she has a shitty family situation and runs from everything, and Everett ends up in the hospital where his quickly healing injuries cause his family to give We Are Disappointed With You face, despite him being COVERED IN BLOOD. So yeah, the kids are bitten/infected, but heal quickly (look, Blake's acne healed as well, so now she's hot) and are confused about the changes happening to their bodies... groan, even I cannot continue on that usual metaphor. But wait! There are more hot teens! The Briggs twins are werewolfs too, but THEY were born that way. And that night of the fire, is also Full Moonish. There is lots of Not Talking About It (a TV trope I loathe) and shitty cops (seriously, these are possessed-by-evil-aliens level bad cops) doing weird shit (seriously, you are arson investigators, so why do you need three full squad cars to apprehend a teenager boy for QUESTIONING), giant CGI werewolf lurking in the shadows and bushes (like, downtown, where he should be very fucking obvious) and lots of horny horny teens being awkward, and horny. Well, at least the gay kid is not awkward. Just horny.

I won't be watching any more episodes, so I won't find out whether SMG is actually just a terrible arson investigator or actually a werewolf hunter who (badly) pretends to be investigating arson. Also, do they actually investigate arson during massive burn-down-towns wildfires?

What's up with that poster? Based on the few episodes I have seen, the kids are the stars, not SMG.

Silo, 2023, AppleTV+

Based on a popular post-apocalyptic novel series (Wool) that I absolutely loved. but for some reason, this show isn't doing it for me. It should have hooked me with one episode, and maybe if I hadn't read the series, I would be? I really don't get it. It's totally PA and with a grimy, rust-punk aesthetic that I should totally dig, but... it's not grabbing me, despite being very faithful to the source material. 

That paragraph was very... bipolar. And, me responding with Other Voice immediately after not so much? 

So, it's The Dark Future. People (whoever is left) live in a massive, multi-levelled silo underground. They produce food, water, electricity, raise animals on grass covered levels, and have ancient machinery that provides for everything, as long as it's kept in good repair. There was a rather big, impactful rebellion some years ago which destroyed much of the electronic archives, so they don't know what happened to stick them inside a silo, nor what is outside that keeps them trapped inside. BUT they know, via scripture level statements, that nobody goes outside, but to wipe clean the lenses that show them the wasteland outside. And nobody does that unless they profess they want to go outside, and that is the most heinous crime. Ask to go outside, and you WILL go outside. And die.

We start when the very popular Sheriff (David Oyelowo, Selma) asks to go outside. He confesses that he has been thinking about it since his wife did so years before. So then we get another even older flashback of her going outside, after getting mixed up in a conspiracy about ancient tech and ancient knowledge that they are not allowed to know. That is what inspires her to go outside. And kills her.

We are then left with an Engineer, the extremely valuable people who Keep The Lights On and she is now investigating what the Sheriff learned, and what he learned from his wife. And that's where I left off, despite the Engineer being Rebecca Ferguson (Dune) who I should be willing to watch in anything. And just might be. Not sure yet. Just not compelled. Yet.

Can someone explain to me, Why? It's PA, its Rebecca Ferguson, its rust-punk, all things I love. Why is it not grabbing me?

Hello Tomorrow! 2023, Apple TV+

Again, this should have hooked me, and it kind of did with the setting, which I absolutely love (retro-futurism) but ... it is so .... bleak?

I have this story inside my head, a story in the world of The Jetsons, but set below those houses and apartment buildings in the clouds. A grimy world that is set below the shiny plastic and robot housemaids and flying cars. This show is sort of set in that grimier world of retro-futurism, where the future was supposed to be flying cars, and living on the moon, and Optimism.

But it isn't.

Jack Billings sells dreams, dreams of a house (time share?) on the moon, in a subdivision where everything is provided for you. Given that most retro-futurism is set in that 50s-ish era when suburbs were being touted as the Only Way To Live, this clicks. Except, its all a lie. Billings may be brilliant at what he does, with a loyal crew of sales people who actually believes his bullshit, but he knows better, and during the off scenes, we see the impact. Add to the mix the now grown son he abandoned and ... wow, this is weighty. Like the bullshit story Jack is selling his chumps, I felt I was sold a bullshit story about flying cars and robots that take out the garbage, when I ended up getting a sad story about sad people doing sad things. Of course, that is the point, but...

And yet, the narrator said, he still felt compelled to continue watching it... someday.

True Lies, 2023, CBS

As I was saying, TV is heavy with the spies this year. I remember being fond of the original movie. Well, not the original original movie but the Arnie & Jamie Lee Curtis movie from 1994, which was based on a French film. So, Spy Guy living a double life, until his wife finds out.

New series by Matt Nix, who did one of our fav shows Burn Notice!! And it stars Ginger Gonzaga whom we loved in She-Hulk: Attorney at Law! We should love it! And yet, we don't. Its a big ol nope from me. Its just incredibly low-brow, low-effort TV making. All the jokes fall flat, most of the characters are cereal box cardboard thin and the plots are cookie cutter. 

FUBAR, 2023, Netflix

Meanwhile, its almost like this show was made in spite of the previous show. For one thing, it actually stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as Luke Brunner, in essentially the exact same plot as before, except with a twist (a tweest!). This time he's retiring from his international spy activity, to return home to his seemingly idyllic family life. Except its not. He's actually divorced from his wife, and is deluded enough to think he can win her back. But at least he will have his perfect daughter who adores him, right? Riiiiight?

During his retirement party, he is re-activated and sent to Guyana; the son of a cartel lord he murdered decades ago has returned to pick up where his Evil Druglord father left off. Even after Brunner funded the kid's comfy life, feeling guilty for having deceived them and left him fatherless. So, off to Guyana Brunner goes, only to find out that someone else has been previously embedded in the drug lord / arms dealer's compound -- his daughter, who has pulled a True Lies on Brunner! She's also a spy, and didn't know her dad had been one, but was recruited by the CIA who didn't bother informing Luke. Lies all around! SNAFU !

I mean fubar.

Where the other show falls entirely flat, this actually had me chuckling a number of times. For one, its entirely inappropriate, dropping f-bombs everywhere, and dripping blood whenever it can. The humour, especially from Luke's support team is on point, while actually double-downing on the quickly revealed toxic, dysfunctional family esthetic that should be there in all shows with this plot. We only watched one episode, but I will probably watch the rest, even if no one else likes it.

I Saw This!! What I Have Been Watching: 2020 Edition: Pt C

I Saw This (double exclamation point) is our feature wherein Kent(!) or Toasty(¡) attempt to write about a bunch of stuff they watched some time ago and meant to write about but just never got around to doing so. But every time I try not to write, bad things happen, very bad things. Somewhere. To someone.

What I Have Been (or Am) Watching is the admitted state of me spending too much time in front of the TV. And despite what I said above, I have been avoiding telling you about what I have been watching. Not that you care. But at least I am not telling you about my character

Pt A is here. Pt B is here.


And They're Back !!

The Expanse S4, 2019, Amazon

This is my show. I watch it by myself (as opposed to Marmy next to me and if she IS next to me, she's on Reddit), few others I know watch it and Kent is not enamoured with it. My brain is somewhat enthralled with the idea of small space opera, where the entire universe is contained within the single solar system. I have been faithfully watching since the first season, and actually racing the story by picking up the novels in the meantime.

As I expected, from my notes in the first season, the show did end up becoming majorly about the politics, especially when the three powers of the universe (Earth, Mars and the Outer Planets) had to deal with the incursion of an alien molecule wanted only to alter and destroy humanity. That storyline culminated with the "defeated" protomolecule creating massive Stargate-style rings in/through which people found gateways to a thousand other worlds. Suddenly the small solar system, where resources were tight and land, real earthy land, scarce, was cracked opened massively.

Season 4 picks up in a small story on a single Earth-like planet that was discovered, and immediately colonized by folks displaced by the wars in the first three seasons. But an Earth corporation legally laid claim to  the planet, and sent a security detail to deal with the squatters. The powers at be, send the main characters, the crew of the small, liberated, Martian ship Rocinante. Captain Holden is (barely) trusted  by all three governments (having been the whistleblower on the horrors of the protomolecule) and is asked to help mediate peaceful negotiation between the two groups. Meanwhile, political turmoil has expanded in the main system as a splinter group of the Outer Planets Alliance is causing chaos.

This the first Expanse season that takes place primarily on the ground, but it also absorbs the key plots from a separate book, to lay the plans for the next season. So much is going on here, as we pick at the threads of so many plots & character storylines. Are the squatters criminals "stealing" a lucrative planet (valuable mineral everywhere), or just plucky underdogs finally getting somewhere? What's up with the planet itself, and all the ruins of ancient technology? After generations of terraforming their planet, Martians are losing their definition of self, as they can now just hop in a ship and find a brand new, empty planet already fit for habitation. Bobbie Draper, recently discharged Martian Marine (she sided with Earthlings against the protomolecule) is dealing with her own loss of identity & becoming a civilian. And the OPA (Outer Planets Alliance) having only recently been recognized as a proper government (instead of just protectorates of Mars and Earth) is dealing with internal strife over OPA identity. Everything that defined them -- making lives for themselves on asteroids and in space stations -- is in jeopardy when there are so many more planets to colonize. They fear becoming, as a people (Belters), only historical notes and one man  (Inaros) is not willing to give up his hatred of the Inner Planets, and sets the OPA on a course to war.

Amazon saved the show from extinction (cancelled by SyFy) and it returned with the next arc in the series. The universe is no longer a single system, but it still focuses around the small crew of the small ship, and all the people that satellite around them. There aren't a whole lot of differences that appear with the change of Motherships, and they are smart to keep what fans want -- a whole lot of focus on their favourite characters.

Jack Ryan S2, 2019, Amazon

Jack has had a lot of faces: Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, Ben Affleck and Chris Pine. There is enough there to establish the character -- the CIA analyst who ends up in the field. At first blush, John Krasinski is the perfect choice, as he is slightly nerdy (i.e. Analyst) looking but also equally buff (i.e. ex-Marine) and fills out the role very well.

Season 1 re-introduced the character, not bothering to recreate the wheel, but I found it strange that we are here, 30 years since the first cinematic viewing & original novels, just expecting the audience to get who he is. So, not an origin story but an updated continuance, skipping past the novels where Republican Ryan ends up as the President.

Season 2 tenuously uses his skillset and character to portray a general political upset in Venezuela and how a few Americans, if not the country at large, fly in to save the day. But, propagandic leanings aside, it was a decent, tense, well produced spy thriller season. As a whole, it is entirely unsatisfying, dancing about in tone and intent, with little care for the characters or story. But the high production values overshadow it enough to make acceptable entertainment value.

Lost in Space S2, 2018, Netflix

That last sentence pretty much defines how I feel about THIS show as well. The first season's post was lost to the hiatus mind, and while it left me entirely unsatisfied, there was a enough of the enjoyment of Shows Set in Space that had me come back. Besides, the leads are charming and charismatic enough, that I enjoy watching them act.

So, the Robinsons from the first season, are a family of smart people chosen to leave a dying Earth (we never really understand the dying, from ... what??) along with all kinds of other families, and head to a distant world to begin a colony. I never understood if this was abandonment or early setup, but considering the amount of free space in these colony ships, it all felt a little ... elitist. Anywayz, while on said journey, alien robots attack, the ship the Robinson family is on (each family gets their own ship!) crashes on a planet and is ... lost !

Turns out they were not the only ship lost in this particular system, and eventually a bunch of them get back together, both in space (in the space station cum mothership) and on another planet in the system. While I was not a big fan of the original series, its key premise always seemed to be that he Robinsons (as in Caruso) were alone, lost in space. These Robinsons keep on getting lost, and then almost immediately found, and then lost again.

The haphazard style of the first season is back, aaaaaaand I am beginning the think this is particular to the Netflix was of doing things. There is no real tone to the show, and it dances around a lot. I guess that lends itself to binging, allowing the easily bored (myself included) to find something they like, somewhere, bringing them back for another season. The Netflix Producers are less concerned with finely tuned quality, and more concerned with just enough effort to recoup costs. I guess how the obviously, clearly styled Marvel shows lost more and more viewers as time went by, while terrible, yet less rigidly designed shows keep viewers coming back, says something for what Netflix wants to make.

And yes, posting about this show is less about the show, and more about how I am pretty much in a pattern of watching shows that leave me mostly unsatisfied, but with a modicum of entertainment, enough so to keep me coming back, hoping for .... more? I could blame it on life stresses and the need to be easily entertained, but that's the cheap way out.

I need to start being more discerning. Just because something is a Space Show, and I like some of the characters, doesn't mean I have to watch it.