Xmas Leftovers: There's Something in the Barn

2023, Magnus Martens (TV Good Behaviour) -- download

I never got from Kent's post that this was an actual Norwegian movie, and with all those opening shots and all that real, GLORIOUS snow, I somehow expected more of the movie. I mean, I have more of a tolerance for terrible horrible movies than Kent does, and if he kind of liked it, I thought it would be decent enough? 

No, not really.

Bill Nordheim (Martin Starr, Spider-Man: Homecoming) is Norwegian-American and is bringing his family from California to Norway, to the house he inherited after his uncle passed. They must be really down on their luck to make such a massive move. At first I assumed they were just coming here for Xmas to close up his uncle's affairs, and show the kids where he comes from, but no, they want to start a B&B.

On the land is a barn, and in that barn is a "barn elf", a "Nisser", basically what IKEA has distilled into a gnome. But like all mythos, all is not soft and cuddly and cute; there are rules to be followed when you have a resident elf, and of course, the movie is all about breaking those rules so that we can have the elf go all "don't feed the gremlin after midnight" on the family.

This is a very sloppy, uneven movie, that despite itself, was ... kind of fun? I mean, its not like Gremlins was considered Oscar material in its time, but that is it with the comparisons, because at its heart, Gremlins had heart; this movie does not really. I don't like the family, and while they are not horrible, they are cardboard "family with issues". Teen Daughter, who I couldn't get past her Norwegian accent constantly slipping through, is typical dismissive and cranky, Dad is an oblivious buffoon, Step Mom is annoyingly optimistic, but by design, as she is a life-coach, and the kid is the kid. Meanwhile, the village Norwegians are basically the country's versions of country bumpkins, present only to fill background and die at the hands of the angry elfs. You would think there would be a rule that the elfs are not allowed to harm humans other than who angered them. I mean, if they go around killing willy nilly everytime they get pissed off, you would think there would be professional elf hunters taking out the pesky buggers.

Its a horror movie, so of course there have to be deaths, but mostly its just chase chase chase, with only a few incidental deaths so the family can be dabbed in blood in later scenes. The deaths are not particularly inventive nor do they really try to, but these elfs are not exactly invulnerable supernatural killing machines. A few self inflicted gunshots takes some down and a broom handle makes a nice skewer. For the most part, they are just scary murderous little folk. And, as Kent also said, better to just rewatch Rare Exports and its exploration of Xmas Horror.

Xmas Leftovers: The Holiday

2006, Nancy Meyers (What Women Want) -- download

Most reviewers seem to absolutely loathe this movie because it is romcom predictable and entirely retread ground. Also, probably Jack Black as romantic lead. But as a guy who spent about a month watching Hallmarkies, I can entirely accept this is as a charming romcom set around Xmas.

Iris (Kate Winslet, Mare of Easttown) works for a publishing house (what? why do I keep thinking that? I was even thinking that as I watched the movie...) is a columnist for the Daily Telegraph who is still in love with her ex, Jasper (Rufus Sewell, Scoop). Jasper has most definitely moved on, announcing his engagement at the Xmas Party, and Iris rushes back to her ever so quaint & lovely countryside house to freak out.

Meanwhile Amanda (Cameron Diaz, Charlie's Angels), a rather wealthy Maker of Film Trailers (we thought she is an all around producer with her hands focused on the trailers, but no it states emphatically she "makes" trailers) living in Hollywood with her BF. Until she convinces said BF to admit he slept with his 20sumthin receptionist and kicks him to the curb. The gigantic house is not "theirs", it is hers. Good on her. 

Buuut she tells her teammates/employees/coworkers (??) that she needs the holidays off to do something entirely out of character for her --- go somewhere and indulge. That turns out to be a house-swap, which is accomplished entirely by filling out a message box under the picture of Iris's perfectly cute little house. Iris also needs to get the fuck out of Dodge and they agree to swap. They never actually meet, they just both jump on planes at the last second -- must have cost a fortune, but you can tell by the difference between Amanda's flight (first class, sleeper seat) and Iris's (economy, wedged between two other chatty women) that for one, its No Biggie, but for the other, its an expensive act of desperation.

Of course, Amanda, being all South Californian, is not able to deal with English countryside and for reasons never explained, the car service refuses to go down the lane to Iris's house and Amanda has to hoof it. Meanwhile, Iris settles in the luxurious mansion with all the amenities and just sleeps away her jet lag behind blackout blinds.

Like all good romcoms, we have to have the ladies meet someone. For Amanda, its Iris's brother Graham (Jude Law, Sherlock Holmes) who appears drunk as a skunk one night on Amanda's (Iris's actually) doorstep, and .... well, the two immediately have sex. Amanda needs some no-strings-attached nookey. He's up for it as its his usual modus operandi. Iris meets the elderly neighbour and the two hit it off immediately, but also meets Miles (Jack Black, Nacho Libre), the guy who was supposed to score Amanda's latest trailer. Miles has a GF, but she's an actress and off to a film set for the holidays.

We have three sub-plots going on -- Iris interacting with Arthur the Neighbour (Eli Wallach, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly), a classic Hollywood screenwriter, Miles being attracted to Iris despite having a girlfriend, and Amanda increasingly becoming attached to Graham, and its mutual, despite each's desire for it to not be. Winslet was playing a part I don't have in my mind's eye for her; even just a few years later, her role in Contagion is more what I ascribe her to, and seeing her in a giddy romcom state was ... refreshing? Of course, my favourite sub-plot is between her and Arthur, as she convinces him to accept an award from the WGA. But all three are decent enough, even Jack Black as the lead, despite him degrading back into his doodley-doo routine, which probably told the Purple Suits that this was it, no more romance for Black.

All in all, I enjoy the movie, and c'mon, its a romcom so of course its going to be by the book, and like we rewatch rewatch Love, Actually every year for Xmas, I am sure others rewatch this one on the regular. As you can read, Xmas plays only the part as a backdrop. There is very little in the celebration of the season depicted, but for a bit of decorating.

So this is Christmas Leftovers (2024) part 2

Tired of Christmas content? Me too. Speed round:

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Zoey's Extraordinary Christmas (2021, d. Richard Shepherd - Amazon Prime)

The What 100: Zoey (Jane Levy) got superpowers due to a freak accident and can now hear people's inner-heart's songs, and this weird telepathy manifests as song-and-dance number to pop music. 2 seasons later mow her boyfriend, Max (Skylar Astin...ugh, he's in this?) for some undetermined reason also has the power and is all about helping people whether they really want it or not. This is Zoey's first Christmas since her dad's death and she wants to recreate the perfect Christmases that he used to host, but  everyone is still grieving and not in the mood for holiday cheer.

(1 Great) There's a moment where Zoey's brother, David (Andrew Leeds) abandons his "family newsletter" full of all the wonderful things that happened to his family this year (all made up) and instead writes with honesty about what a difficult year it's been. I started sobbing. It has been a difficult year. There are a couple of moment s where this movie lets down the veil and allows honest emotion to shine through all the pretense. I imagine this is what the show was good at? 

(1 Good) I think Jane Levy is insanely charming, charismatic, funny, talented actress and am never sorry to watch her work. 

(1 Bad) I cannot stand Skylar Astin and never like watching him work.

META: I've had Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist on my long list of "to watch" shows for quite some time but watching this special, the two-seasons-and-a-movie finale that wraps up the show, I think I'm good. This does pretty well at standing on its own and being accessible if you haven't (like me) watched the show before. It explains the premise and sets up the "where we're at now" very quickly and concisely in the opening minute or two, and then sets off from there with a big shopping mall production number featuring Alex Newell.

As much as I like Jane Levy, and thought she was incredible with everything she is asked to do here (great comedic physicality), I don't know how much I liked Zoey... she appears here as a subtly self-centered character (Toasty, who wrote about this when it came out in 2021, and had watched the pretending two seasons, confirms that angle). Her friend Mo has this very minor side plot about dominating their boyfriend's kid's Christmas pageant that, had Zoey even bothered to inquire about, could have maybe steered them away from (Newell is a non-binary performer, I didn't catch whether Mo also used they/them pronouns). But Zoey just kind of takes more than she gives.

As noted, besides Levy and the characters playing her family (including Mary Steenburgen and Peter Gallagher), this finale had such "theatre kid energy". So much of the acting here is "performance", lacking subtlety, and the script is more of a blunt cudgel than gentle feather.  So it's to its credit that it manages to find genuine heart more than once.

But yeah, I'm good. Maybe I'll swap it off the list for My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

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Lego Masters: Celebrity Holiday Bricktacular (2024, 2-episode special)

The What 100: Four teams of two, consisting of one celebrity paired with one former Lego Masters contestant, square off against each other in holiday-themed brick builds for prize money to be donated to charity.  This year's celebs are Sophia Bush (One Tree Hill), Lil Rel Howery (Get Out), Eric McCormack (Will and Grace) and Holly Robinson Peete (Christmas In Evergreen).

(1 Great) The first build of the competition was inspired by Home Alone and the teams were tasked to build minifig scale homes with seasonally-appropriate booby traps. Hearing Brickmaster Amy, with her delightful Irish accent, say "booby" (buh-beyh) over and over again delighted Lady Kent and I so. Maybe the second best inflection on "booby" next to Maya Rudolph.

(1 Good) I find Arnett's hosting generally amenable if too "dad-joke" inspired but when Arnett locks in with a contestant comedically his game goes up many, many notches. Here with fellow Canadian performer Eric McCormack, they seem to have history and a very similar sense of humour, so the pretense of a rivalry between them lasted the whole show and kept paying comedic dividends. 

(1 Bad) What I enjoy most about watching Lego Masters is the often surprising, creative, phenomenal builds the contestants make, defying the brief and pushing bricklaying into an art. With these "Bricktacular" specials, the celebs are not brick masters, and the final builds may be nice but they're not at all "wow" inducing. There's also no real stakes to the competition, no eliminations...

META: I thought about doing one of my Advent Calendar posts about Lego Masters but in the "A Toast To HallmarKent" format, telling it as "Her story" from Hallmark queen Holly Robinson Peete's perspective. It would have been silly and fun, but I didn't have the energy.

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The Holiday Junkie (2024, d. Jennifer Love Hewitt - Crave)

The What 100: Jennifer Love Hewitt co-writes, directs and stars in this Lifetime-produced Hallmarkie where she plays Andie, the proprietor of an interior decorating/event coordinating/schedule planning small business. Her mom (Kristen Chenoweth) died the prior Christmas and she's still dealing with he grief when she takes on this venture capitalist client whom she hopes to impress so she can pitch her idea to evolve the business into a commercial brand of products. She goes to the guy's mansion in the perfect small town, where she will live-work for a week setting up, and she meets handyman Mason (Brian Hallisay, aka Mr. Love Hewitt). They clash at first because he's a Christmas grump (turns out his fiancee dumped him last Christmas to travel the world), but her enthusiasm returns his Christmas spirit and he shows her her potential for both business and life in a PST.

(1 Great) The film is dedicated to Love Hewitt's mother Pat, so there's a legitimate personal investment in this very stereotypical holiday romance movie, and it's felt. There's deep-seeded pain in the talking about/thinking about/being reminded of her mom scenes which really resonate on a level that most "dead parent" arcs in your average Hallmarkies do not.  Exploring this grief is more the point of the movie than any other aspect.

(1 Good) The supporting players here are top notch. Greg Grunberg is Mason's best friend, Lynn Andrews as Andie's gay best friend, Debra Christofferson and Joseph C. Phillips as the diner owners Andie makes friends with... they're all great. I guess this is what happens when you cast in L.A. versus from regional theatre.

(1 Bad) J-Love's haircut. It's like she said to hairdresser "I'm going to star in a Christmas romance, give me the Chabert." Doesn't suit her at all. Also, the first meeting of Andie and Mason is some of the worst acting. I guess when you've been married a decade and had 3 kids together it's hard to pretend like you don't know each other.  They both do fine beyond that.

META: I wasn't intending to watch this, it was just on when I turned the TV on, and I was mystified by the hair and wardrobe choices, such that I didn't recognize J-Love at first.  I wondered what cheap, shot-in-Winnipeg, Canadian off-brand production this might be. But as it went on I started to recognize various "that person" actors and the Hollywood back-lot sets. It's still a cheap production, just not the shot-in-Winnipeg, Canadian off-brand kind of cheap.

Xmas Leftovers: Red One

2024, Jake Kasdan (Zero Effect) -- Amazon

Santa Claus (JK Simmons, Whiplash) is real. Not only is he real but the world powers are aware of him and collaborate together for Christmas Night, and the weeks leading up to it. That probably means parents become aware he is real. I mean, at some point, someone is going to realize that presents they didn't buy show up under the tree. Anywayz, 21st century Santa has technology and a Security Detail currently run by Calum Drift (The Rock, Skyscraper) who is a bit down on Xmas, given that the Naughty List outweighs the Nice List more and more each year. He's retiring after this run. And then a black ops team breaks into Fortress North Pole and kidnaps Santa right out from under his security team's nose.

Nice detail that the North Pole is under Polar Night when the kidnapping happens... in most movie, you get lovely daytime scenes with snow glistening and all kinds of things that wouldn't be present in December.

Calum has to go to MORA (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority), the secretive organization that not only hides Santa from general knowledge, but also a lot of other mythological creatures. Turns out a hacker named Jack O'Malley (Chris Evans, Ghosted) traced Santa's location back to the North Pole which gave the kidnappers the secret whereabouts of Santa. Calum, together with an anthropomorphic Polar Bear named Garcia (Reinaldo Faberlle, Mayor of Kingstown), waterboards O'Malley (no, not really) until he gives up who hired him. With the information they learn that Grylla an old mythological Winter Witch has the Big Man, and likely for very Naughty List reasons.

This has got to be the worst looking, muddiest, most washed out and indiscernible 4K movie I have ever seen. There were just so many scenes where I couldn't see what was going on at all and to the point, that I wondered if my Internet was crapping out and it was all digital breakup. But no, it wasn't. It just looked like shit. And to be completely honest, it really impacted how much I was enjoying the movie. If you are going to build a 21st century twist on a mythological world, let us fucking SEE IT. 

Beyond that it was a somewhat tiresome plot with The Rock playing all the other Rock characters, Chris Evans playing his pre-MCU characters (snarky, smarmy, lecherous) and everyone else basically phoning it home. And yeeeet, I kind of liked it? As a concept, I am there. I liked the exploration of Santa myth, even if they go the "hi tech" way. Its just.... well, this movie is like many of the thrillers pooped out by the streaming giants of late (Red Notice, Heart of Stone, The Adam Project, etc.) in that it sacrifices what makes a movie good (dialogue, direction, script) for spectacle and some names. Don't get me wrong, I love me some spectacle and it can lead a movie, but they even fucked that up here with the muddy visuals. But there was a enough of it there that I was ... OK with it? I feel a bit of shame in admitting that, as I should hold myself to greater standards, even if you are ignoring the schlock crime movies I tend to watch. I guess it is summed up by my feelings that this movie could have been perfect for me, if they had just put a wee bit more effort into it and not let the Purple Suits drag them along by the nose.

Also, why does Garcia get top poster placement? He's barely in the movie and his voice actor is all but unknown...

Xmas Leftovers: Carry-On

2024,  Jaume Collet-Serra (Run All Night) -- Netflix

Alas, not as fun and engaging enough to be the new Die Hard "yes, its a Xmas movie!" Xmas time thriller. Also, other than saying "on Christmas Eve" a dozen times nothing about the movie rang Xmas bells at all, so it could have taken place at any time. But, so what, let's add it to the Leftovers.

Like I said before, without really trying, I have seen all most of Collet-Serra's movies (sans the football one) so I guess he makes a kind of thriller that is likely to suck me in from the trailer. And this was no different; it looked interesting and yes, that is primarily because it reminded me of Die Hard. 

Ethan Kopek (Taron Egerton, Rocketman) works for the TSA, who I think is still seen as the Bad Guy since the previous Trump Reign? The TSA, not Taron. But no matter, even in today's ACAB world, we still have movies and TV shows where cops are the mythological Protectors of The Little Guy, so why not a movie where the TSA is seen as just a bunch of hardworking blue collar guys having to deal with the worst of the worst -- travelers at Christmas. I mean, we have to admit, every traveler (but ourselves) is pretty shitty during the holidays. Anywayz, he's also not really invested in his job, being usually late and generally checked out, but since his GF Nora told him she was pregnant, she kind of wants him to feel engaged in life, even if that means applying for the Police Academy again, having been rejected the first time. He's hesitant; that annoys her.

But, in trying to step up, he gets himself assigned to "the machine" on Xmas Eve, i.e. the luggage scanner. Meanwhile The Bad Guy (Jason Bateman, Office Christmas Party) is about to put everything in place with great precision, including kidnapping the family of Kopek's coworker Jason who should have been on the scanner, but offered up the opportunity to his friend. That wrench in the works causes The Bad Guy to pivot, doing quick research on Ethan to find some pressure point -- mainly Nora. And just like that Ethan is being extorted into helping The Bad Guy.

The best part of the movie is the play between Ethan and The Bad Guy, usually over an in-ear communicator. Ethan is desperate to derail whatever is going on, and The Bad Guy, a facilitator for whatever Evil Plan is in place, just wants things to go off without a hitch, except Ethan has a hero complex and keeps fucking with his plan. Ethan discovers said plan is to place a chemical bomb on board a flight, to kill the passengers. Ethan does not want to make a choice between Nora and the passengers, and definitely not the passengers versus the entire population of LAX at Xmas.

Like all these movies, a lone cop has to become aware, and initially suspect Ethan but eventually see that Things Are Awry and end up helping him. We get lots and lots of running and shooting (oh, cool, 3D printed gun *yawn*) and a frowningly amount of collateral damage -- never at the direct hands of Ethan, but still. Eventually it comes down to just Ethan, The Bad Guy and The Bomb which is foiled by a fridge.

Like my opinion of all of Collet-Serra's films, it was not bad. Not great, but digestible. I have been rewatching a LOT of only-digestible films during the flu-plus-xmas-break because I don't have much energy to do anything else, and not often even think/write about anything. Most of them improve "with age", as in I am less concerned about what they could have been, the second or third time round, and just enjoy the romp. This might fall into that category in the future. 

So This Is Christmas Leftovers (2024) - Hallmarkied Out

 Last Christmas (I gave you my heart), and even the 2022 holiday season, I barely watched any Hallmarkies... less than a half dozen each year.  I consciously uncoupled from Hallmark, but I just couldn't quit it entirely. I suspected at the time that I was missing the comfort of the formulaicness of Hallmark movies, and their stabs at stepping outside of those trappings was perhaps a painful transition and maybe Hallmark wasn't up for it, especially with their limited budgets and rapid production schedule.

This year (to save me from tears) it was almost all-Hallmark-all the time, with 10 Hallmark-produced movies, 4 non-Hallmark Hallmarkies, and 2(!) Hallmark-produced TV series.  And my impression is that the productions still suffer from lack of budget, but they've gotten much better at managing their ambitions within their budgets.  It's clear they still want to do the traditional holiday romance for 80% of their output but their stabs at "Holiday Magic" have really improved.  Hallmark has also is now actually letting comedy happen purposefully, rather than relying upon goofiness and irony (which, I get it... comedy requires timing which can mean more takes and run up the production costs), and while it's still a bit of a mixed bag storytelling wise, they're giving their writers, directors and stars a lot more freedom than it seems they ever have. As a result there are more films coming out of the Hallmark churn that are entertaining, and not just in the making-fun-of-the-tropes way.

It also seems like there's been a marked decrease in non-Hallmarkies. Lifetime and Netflix barely showed up this year, and the other outlets seemed to have gotten buried by the big "H".

All is not sunshine and rainbows with Hallmark though. Finding Mr. Christmas resulted in an absolute travesty of a movie with their "next Hallmark leading man" falling flat on his face. And their first holiday TV series, Holidazed, ended with a 40-minute wet fart of a finale... oh, but I forgot to write about those final 3 episodes...:

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Holidazed 

Episode 6: The Camarena Family: wherein Gaby is confronted with making nice with her high school bully Katie Manetti-Hanahan, who is now dating her brother, Kevin. Katie seems to be making nice with Gaby, and yet every turn seems to be an "accidental" assault or slight on Gaby by Katie. The family, though, loves Katie and poo-poos Gaby's concerns that Katie's true nature is not what they see.  Kevin asks Katie's dad Chuck for his blessing to marry her, and Chuck, who's been at odds with the Cabrera family for years, denies him. Gaby finds old footage of the moment where Katie came up with the nickname "Easy Bake" that Gaby couldn't shake for years. Turns out that happened because they used to be best friends, until Gaby got new high school friends and ditched Katie. The two reconcile, but not in time. Gaby's family finds the video and Kevin asks for time from Katie. There's a confrontation at the Christmas market stroll between Katie and Kevin, which then leads to a fight between Katie's dad. 

The "comedy" of someone reliving childhood trauma by having to confront their childhood bully is a difficult line to toe, and this episode does not handle it deftly. I think they were trying to go for cringe comedy, but it was just sad. I also wasn't sure whether the show wanted us to believe Gaby was misremembering Katie as a bully or if Katie was still actively Gaby's bully or not really either. I was dreading the expected scene where they have their confrontation and rather than owning the hurt she causes Katie has an excuse for being hurt first. Credit where due, they handle this quite well, actually, with Gaby first realizing that fighting fire with fire only leads to more fire and instead she works to douse the animosity and they come to an understanding as grown-ass adults, and maybe even rekindle a decades-lost friendship. The complication though has nothing to do with Gaby, and so the finale's going to need to get Katie and Kevin back together.

Episode 7: The Manetti-Hanahan Family: Of all the episodes of Holidazed, this is the one that focuses the most on the family of the episode title. When you have two mega-hitters in John C. McGinley and Virginia Madsen as the patriarch and matriarch of the family, Chuck and Connie, it should be something special. The family is of the teasing-and-sarcasm-is-our-love-language variety. Connie makes the family sign a pact that says no fighting, no swearing, no aggression. But with this family that's easier signed than done.

Chuck is that breed of person who always needs to be right, who always needs to have his voice heard loudest over everyone else, and uses his military background to intimidate everyone. One has to wonder if Connie has had enough, hence the pact, but no, turns out she just wants to have a nice family Christmas in case it is her last, as she's waiting on test results. It's a story beat that is aggressively manipulative, and it's not handled with any tact.

Chuck's not allowed to beef with his neighbours, so he starts beefing with his son Clark instead over Clark's "green energy". Turns out Chuck has an inferiority complex because of Clark's "university education". They settle their differences when Clark's green energy keeps the house lit up after the power goes out.

 Clark's wife Rebecca is at odds with Clark's sister Laurie because of their "clean living" and perceived pretentious superiority complex. But they settle their differences when Rebecca starts eating meat and Laurie discovers Rebecca is pregnant (after earlier in the episode exploding over not being able to have more kids, again more manipulative storytelling)

I actually liked this episode, the characters and the actors quite a bit but the key problem is it needs to set up character arcs for each character (or pairings of characters) which need to be resolved in 40 minutes (or quickly in the following episode) while also fitting into the over-arcing story structure of the series (which means heading to the holiday stroll and the eventual storm and power outage) and also sandwiching in Katie into the episode after the events of the previous episode.  It leads to oversimplification and predictable, telegraphed stories... something the entire series is guilty of... Connie at one point even says to Chuck something to the effect of "you never know when the neighbours might need our help" or something, clearly telegraphing the final episode...

Episode 8: The Finale:  In which the Manetti-Hanahan family is the only house on the block with power so they invite their neighbours over for a big Christmas day feast. Chuck agrees to a truce for the day with Manny Camarena, and then they start acting like real pals. Connie, with assistance from Grandma Lin, gets her test results which are negative. Chuck tells Clark he's proud of him. Ted confesses to Grandma Lin that he's gay, and she's heartbroken only because he lied to her, but Marcus smooths it over and Grandma then gets the whole neighborhood to plan an impromptu wedding. Gaby records her audition video with Katie's help, and then Gaby smooths over things between her brother and Katie and they're engaged again. Lucy and Sylvie reconcile, and Sylvie gets Cole back over for another date. Annie and Max talk, and they both like each other, so they play video games. Josh's girlfriend says it's obvious Josh wants something different than moving to Australia, and Josh and Nora kiss, and I guess Theo has a new father-figure. Most annoyingly, Evan steps aside and points Linda towards his new friend Robert, and they reunite, and head off on a Norwegian vacation together to see the Northern Lights.

It's aggressively annoying how obvious every single one of these story lines is, and so obviously telegraphed. While I liked some of the episodes and many of the performers, I legitimately hated this finale and I'm not feeling to positive about the series overall.  

It's a show with a massive cast of characters but only serves a third of them well. So many characters get shoved to the sidelines, to the point that any sub plots that there may have been in most of the families (the Lins, the Lewins, the Hills) are kind of forgotten about in the Finale. I'm certain that certain players aren't even in the episodes (and it's so hilarious that in most scenes in the Finale, in this crowded Minetti-Hanahan household, the background actors are not any of the characters from the series...seriously there's like another 40 people in that house on top of the 40 named characters we've already met.  That's one big cul-de-sac.

A show like this needs to be three times as long and juggle its storylines, let them breathe, and it needs to offer some real drama, not greeting card company happy endings to every story. Sometimes the happy ending is learning to live with a sad outcome. I wanted Robert to find a new life, not end up with his ex-wife. I wanted Laurie and Rebecca to become friends not because she finds out she's having another baby, but helps her to accept that she cannot.  And I wanted Grandma Lin to hold a grudge so much longer than basically 5 minutes.  I want there to be consequences in all this and there aren't really any. Even the fact that Katie took the Camarena family to a protected area to cut down their Christmas tree is resolved by having Josh step in and "I am Spartacus" it for...no real reason.  

A total waste of time, and quite frustrating when it teetered so close to being quite good.

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As noted the transition of Hallmark movies from bog standard formulaic romance to holiday fantasy and/or holiday romantic comedy (and even dabbling in adventure and mystery) has been a rocky transition in the early 2020's, but there have been definite signifiers of the promise of something more..."elevated Hallmark" if you will.

2023 was the banner year for this with Catch Me If You Claus delivering a "one crazy night" comedy adventure (with romance and fantasy) and coming out quite entertaining despite its budgetary limitations, and Hallmark's best-ever holiday movie, Round and Round which is a Hanukkah romcom that is also a time loop movie that absolutely knows what its doing.  There's a third massive entry in the 2023 elevated Hallmark stable that I neglected last year (although Toasty didn't) and that's A Biltmore Christmas (directed by John Putch).

The story is an ambitious time travel fantasy romance about a writer, Lucy (played by Hallmarkie regular Bethany Joy Lens) who is tasked with writing a remake of a classic Christmas movie (shot at the Biltmore Hotel) but struggles with the happy ending of the original and wants to make a more realistic, sober ending.  She is sent by the studio on a trip to the Biltmore to hopefully gain some inspiration and finalize the script. There she starts learning the behind-the-scenes history of "His Merry Wife" (the fabulously 40's-styled movie-within-the-movie) and getting access to authentic props and wardrobes.  But when she turns the infamous hourglass used in the movie she finds herself transported back in time to the set of "His Merry Wife", getting first hand experience on the behind-the-scenes...and meeting the suavely handsome co-star of the film, Jack Huston (played by Christopher Polaha), who is immediately taken by her. When the sands of the hourglass run out, Lucy returns to her time, but she's both freaked out and utterly intrigued by what happened.

Using the sprawling, gorgeous North Carolina estate of the Biltmore hotel (built by George Vanderbilt), A Biltmore Christmas has a built-in aesthetic that means the production crew didn't have to do much heavy lifting in making the production look good, which meant they could focus more budget on the costuming and make-up which made the 1940's set look more authentic than Hallmark could traditionally go for.

When she ventures into the past again, she accidentally breaks the hourglass, and becomes trapped on the set of "His Merry Wife". She and Jack start to grow closer, but the lies she's spun to remain on set start catching up with her, but she's made a few friends along the way who back her up.

Like the best Elevated Hallmarks it's surprisingly ambitious, calling its shot early on opening with black-and-white, cinematic-looking scenes from "His Merry Wife" which look and play so good you actually half wish you were watching that movie instead. But A Biltmore Christmas earns the viewer's attention.

Is it still stricken by budget limitations? Of course it is, it's Hallmark, so the cut corners are going to be evident. Here it's primarily in the present day scenes which feel less thought out, less refined than the events in the 1940s. The film builds to a series of cross cut as Lucy needs to escape the studio dogs in the 1940s, while in the present day a friend Lucy made is trying to stop the Biltmore concierge (Jonathan Frakes) from taking the hourglass away. The stakes feel so much higher in the 1940s, where it's clear Lucy has outstayed her welcome, than in the present day where the film hasn't established its time travel rules effectively enough (is it just the hourglass, or is it the combination of the hourglass plus the room it was in? What happens if you flip the hourglass before the sands run out, does time rewind, or do you go back even further in time? How are the two time periods connected?).

Polaha is absolutely incredible as Jack Huston. He nails the movie star charisma and charm, he has confidence and gumption, but also insecurities. There are a lot of Hallmark leading men who have charm and talent, but we're so used to seeing them in the same-old-same-old that we don't think too much about them as actors. This is absolutely a performance, and probably the best leading man performance ever in a Hallmark movie.  The 1940's cast is uniformly good, and Lens really carries the weight of the film with perfect energy (even if the stakes really aren't very high for her). The end of movie dress she gets to wear, a beautiful, layered, deco-styled silver black and gold number, is a work of art compared to the typical off-the-rack red/blue/green dress that a Hallmark leading lady would normally end their film in.

I really dug A Biltmore Christmas (we agree), so much so that I feel compelled at this time to do a tops list of elevated Hallmark :

TOP 5 ELEVATED HALLMARK MOVIES:

1. Round and Round
2. Three Wise Men and a Baby
3. Crashing Through the Snow (this is actually one of those in-transition Hallmarkies, but it's elevated based on scripting and performance)
4. A Biltmore Christmas
5. Sugarplummed 

These are all films I could see myself watching again (and in fact I've seen Three Wise Men... and Crashing... multiple times each).  If I were to make a list of more traditional Hallmarkies that I would watch multiple times it would be a list of 3:

TOP 3 SENTIMENTAL FAVOURITE TRADITIONAL HALLMARK MOVIES:
1. Nine Lives of Christmas
2. The Christmas Club
3. An Unexpected Christmas (this is another one of those in-transition Hallmark movies, part romcom, part traditional, but the traditional takes hold over the movie)

Xmas Leftovers: Hot Frosty

2024, Jerry Ciccoritti (Angel Falls Christmas) - Netflix

Note: This draft was started back in November before I went to The Soo, but I have decided to relabel it as a "leftover" just because.

It's almost that time.

This was a click-click-click just-something-unthinking choice and while technically it was Hallmark style romantic comedy set at Xmas time, it was not a Hallmarkie at all, for it had interest in the Hallmark-formula, which is something I actually look forward to each season. OK, it did have some minor elements of the formula (dead husband, small town, Xmas dance) it was not adhering to it. As I have said in the past, the formula grew out of the use of a standard set of tropes used in romances, so its not surprising the ultra-low-budget Hallmarkies would just run with them every time.

Anywayz, this post is not a dissection of that genre; I will leave that to the actual season.

Kathy (Lacey Chabert, Lost in Space) runs (despite being keenly aware that she owns the joint, she seemed more the waitress) a small cafe in the picturesque small town of Hope Springs, New York. Since her husband passed away she has let a few things in her life fall apart, such as holes in the roof, furnace on the fritz, etc. But she ha friends who take care of her, including Theo and Mel who run a small vintage shop. Mel gives Kathy a big red scarf claiming it will bring a bit of magic into her life, but Kathy obviously doesn't want any magic because she immediately wraps up the hunky nod-to-David snow sculpture in the town square, in the scarf.

Later that night he comes to life. Hunky nod-to-David is now severely toned Dustin Milligan (Schitt's Creek); I say severely because to get the chiseled body (and not chiseled in snow) like that you have to lose a LOT of body fat, and .... it looks odd on him. Anywayz, naked man in scarf frightens / arouses an elderly couple and falls through the window of the thrift store, but without injury. He does, however steal a mechanic jumpsuit with a nametag and thus ends up named Jack. 

The next morning Kathy sees him outside her diner talking to snowmen, assumes he's homeless and damaged, and invites him for food, because Kathy is like that, despite her grief. Thus she ends up tangled in Jack's new found life. And after a very brief visit to a doctor, she is also very quickly alert to the idea that he is a "snowman come to life." Seems like a rather abrupt leap of faith, but sure, whatever. And it isn't helped by the doctor being horny for him, but that is on-brand for the actress (Katy Mixon Greer, Mike & Molly).

You are recapping like it was a Hallmarkie, which I get it is supposed to be kind of emulating but...

Meeeeanwhile, the local fuzz, Sheriff Doug Judy (Craig Robinson, Brooklyn 99) and his porn-stached Deputy Boyle (Joe La Truglio, Brooklyn 99) are out looking for the streaker / burglar (of the vintage shop) with the mindset they are on the trail of the Pontiac Bandit. As Jack, as they are now calling him, was literally "born yesterday", Kathy shoves him into her in-need-of-repairs house to hide him, while she goes back to work. He watches TV where he learns everything he needs to know about life. I guess Magically Given Life Snowmen are massive sponges for knowledge. I suggest creating a few more and feed them entirely on ecological science & philanthropy, so we can have a super-scientist by the end of the week. He makes pizza which proves better eaten cold; not sure how he handled the oven though.

Next day he gets all the neighbourhood horny old ladies even hornier as he stands on the roof to fix her leak. But the leak was on the main floor, and he is on the second story roof, so I guess there are lots of leaks? Anywayz, he is shirtless a lot -- my boy Dustin needs a sandwich.  Also, the Horny Old Ladies take him to the elementary school where he becomes.... janitor? Fix-it Guy?

Anywayz, at the diner, he is getting hot (temperature hot, not Horny Old Lady hot) and they realize, along with some hijinx involving Sheriff Doug Judy that he might get discovered as a snowman, cuz inside the diner, he begins melting. Remember, her house is in need of repairs, as in no-furnace, so I guess he is OK there? Anywayz, working at the school has him helping out with the Winter Dance Thing where he wants to take Kathy. Let's just say she's "warming up" to him... hyuk hyuk hyuk; but that's probably a bad thing for many reasons.

Anwayz, Doug Judy, while being an wee bit unhinged, ends up arresting Jack after doing some real detective work, and tosses him into a nice warm (!!!) jail cell. That brings all the town's folk to the square where they give an impassioned speech about saving Jack the IRL Snowman, because I guess they are all instantly fine with magical realism? Sure, run with it, I mean they have that nutjob as a Sheriff and are OK with it.

They do save him, but .... IT'S TOO LATE !! He has melted into a puddle died. But True Love's Kiss revives him suddenly and also makes him A Real Boy to boot. Kathy now gets to smooch a three-day-old boy -- ick. Happy Happy.

What about the coda where they show Doug Judy, who has had a great change of heart and returned to his criminal ways so he can procure a fake identity for Jack.

It was cute, but it was also typical Holiday Romance bad, which I guess is exactly what we are looking for, even if it is not trying to be a trope laden, formula following Hallmarkie.

Kent's post. We agree for the most part?

T&K's XMas (2024) Advent Calendar - Day 24: Finding Mr. Christmas Finale + Happy Howlidays

Back on Day 3 I covered the first five episodes of Finding Mr. Christmas, Hallmark's "reality" competition show where they pit ten objectively handsome men against one another to perform embarrassing "Festive Faceoff" challenges before giving them an actual challenge that will show off the goods for what they need to bring to a Hallmark movie.

I didn't know at the time how long the series was going to be. I was expecting ten episodes. Thank the merciful Hallmark deities (we worship at the altar of commerce) it was only eight. 

When we picked up episode six, it was Blake (the sweet-talkin' cowboy), Hayden (the blue eyed Australian who lost his dog), Jonathan (the tall, dimpled track star), Ezra (the tall former marine-turned-model with dead, dead eyes) and Elijah (the guy who acted in Hamilton for five years, people!).

The "Star Quality Challenge" of episode six found the hunks acting against Rachel Boston in an emotional "break-up" scene (it's a Hallmark movie-style scene so it's the kind of scene that follows "the complication" where the woman thinks she can't see the guy anymore and tells him she can't and they have to act all emotional). Hayden brings some real emotions to the scene by having Rachel stick his (not-dead-but-taken-by-his-ex) dog's squeaker in her pocket, while Ezra thinks about his dead sister, and acts decently. Blake's is just rough stuff all around, and Jonathan stumbles for a good 20 seconds forgetting his line before getting back into it and doing a fine job. Elijah is pretty good but not great. Jonathan's stumble sends him home (as in competition there's no "retakes" apparently. Sigh) even though Blake was by far the worst.

Episode seven finds the four remaining mens having to do a dance with the dance instructor (Witney Carson) from Dancing with the Stars. They also surprise the boys with their sisters being in attendance for some reason (except Elijah, whose pregnant girlfriend shows up). The dance starts off with a waltz then leads to an uptempo choreographed dance. Blake pulls a Jonathan and messes up almost immediately, but they reset and he does just fine.  Hayden does surprisingly well. Ezra is a lumbering, awkward giant and is by far the worst dancer of the night.  Elijah, who you may have heard, SPENT 5 YEARS PERFORMING IN HAMILTON, nails that dance to the fucking floor. It's a no brainer, Elijah is our winner...except he's not. Blake's stumble sends him home, and ... Ezra wins...? Ohh nooo....

Going into episode 8, and it's down to Elijah, the most experienced actor of them all, Hayden who has acted before and was a children's entertainer, and Ezra, who looks good in a tight shirt and tighter shorts, but has no charisma on camera at all and the sloping, lifeless eyes of a serial killer. Ezra should have been eliminated at least three times by now but keeps sticking around. The conspiracy theory that this whole show is a farce, that they had already chosen their leading man, but, I guess for channel filler, built a competition show around "selecting" him only to realize that, oops, there are far more talented guys than him that they need to try and convincingly eliminate...well, it's seemingly bearing fruit. 

This final episode had no bullshit "Festive Faceoff" it was just the men competing in a three-scene challenge. Scene 1 was with Jonathan Bennett, Scene 2 with Melissa Peterman (LEGEND!) , and Scene 3 with Nikki f'n DeLoach, ending with the big climactic kiss. Bennett was hamming it up in his scene, Melissa was supposed to improv and if she did we didn't see it, and Nikki is a freaking pro and nailed her scene every time.  Elijah got caught squinting in the sunlight in scene 1, his timing was off in scene 2 and did a weird Breakfast Club end-scene fist raise while kissing Nikki, which was a bad choice. Ezra was palpably awful in each of his scenes, but did a little better with each second take, so, as "director" Ali Liebert said, he took direction well (to go from "awful" to just "really bad"). Hayden was good in all his scenes, and if we were basing the winner on this challenge alone, Hayden would have been the winner....

But they weren't basing it on the challenge alone, but the whole competition would come into play in the decision. But if that was the case, Elijah should be the shoe-in and sweet, simple Ezra being ousted. But, appallingly, Elijah is eliminated first. Is it because he's black, or short. Which prejudice got him eliminated?  Down to just Hayden and Ezra, still seemed like a no-brainer that Hayden should win (especially with the outside-the-show knowledge that the winner's movie was called Happy Howlidays, and co-starred dogs). But no, Ezra is announced the winner and suddenly Happy Howlidays went from being a thing I was very curious to see to something I dreaded watching.

---

Happy Howlidays, d. Terry Ingram (Three Wise Men and a Baby) - Hallmark/W Network

The Draw: The winner of Finding Mr. Christmas + doggos.

HERstory: Mia (Jessica Lowndes, 90210) is the webmaster of Seattle's tourism board (despite clearly living in Vancouver, do they know she's remote working from another country?) and she's too busy to fly home to Florida for Christmas, she says (but really she just don't wanna). She's a "hot mess" because she wakes up next to a spilled bag of Lays in bed. Guess she got Layd, oh ho ho!  One day, walking home in the rain, sans umbrella, because she lives in Seattle without an umbrella, she finds a dog trapped in a fence. She frees the dog, he follows her home, and she lets him stay the night. She doesn't know how to care at all for a dog, she barely knows how to care for herself! She steps in dog piss first thing in the morning, and also finds her feather pillow cushions have exploded.

She takes the dog to a dog rescue center run by Max (Ezra Moreland, Finding Mr. Christmas) and the two are like fire and water... well, more like tar and toilet paper. They are the bitterest of enemies for no apparent reason, and Max refuses to take in the dog, or something. Max's dog, though, hit's it right off with Mia's stray. Mia takes the dog to a dog park, and her stray runs off (we suspected she was just going to let the dog go and leave it there, alas) and finds Max's dog and the two are just so pleased with each other. Mia takes a video, before Max interrupts with a curt "don't take pictures of my dog without permission". They bicker some more. Mia posts the supremely uninteresting video of two dogs playing at a dog park to the Tourism Board social media and it goes viral (like herpes).  Everyone loves this dog pair, so now her boss wants a campaign around it. So Mia's stuck with the dog for a while. She names it Russell, even though it's a curly haired herding dog of some type and not a Jack Russell. Whatever, movie. 

So Mia needs Max's dog to keep her job or something so they spend time together even though they really dislike each other, but it's good for the dogs I guess. I dunno, this movie is bad, and boring. Turns out Max used to have two dogs, but his ex took one of them when she left for L.A. And now Max and his dog are both sad (not that you could ever tell Max was sad with Ezra's dead eyes and the childlike smile that comes out of nowhere all the time for no reason).  Ezra "helps" Mia "dogproof" her home (she wound up stepping in piss each morning a bunch more times and Russell continues to wreck the place until Ezra spruced it up for Christmas and then Mia let Russell sleep in her bed) and I guess they start to like each other, or at least the movie wants us to believe that something is happening. They get caught in the rain, and at Mia's place she gives Max a dry shirt to wear, but not before catching a peek at his marines/model body and gets reeeeal thirsty. Then mom and dad show up.

Turns out Mia used to be a doctor but she's disillusioned with the US medical system after a woman died in the waiting room because they didn't insurance. It's a big, bold, dark topic to bring up, and do absolutely nothing with. Mom and Dad are both doctors as well and want to retire and hand their practice over to Mia, but she's not into it. Instead, she wants to use her social media spike to help save Max's failing dog rescue. Oh and Max's ex shows up, with Max's old dog, and I guess Mia gets jealous? It would be "the complication" if a) it weren't so predictable and b) either of these actors could sell it as a complication. There's no investment and no stakes in these performances. The big charity fundraiser barely raises enough momney (with a major donation from Mia's Mom and Dad), and Mia decides she wants to be a veterinarian (speaking of not being able to afford health care) and Max resolves the whole thing with his ex and they kiss in Vancouver. The End.

The Formulae: There's no freaking Christmas in this at all, and if there was I was too busy wincing to notice. The biggest formulae was the arrival/complication of The Ex returning.

Unformulae: Hallmark movies never insinuate sex. They've gotten steamy a few times, but Hallmark leading characters do not get horny. Mia quite clearly gets the horn for Max's hot bod when she sees him with his shirt off (there's more expression in his nipples than his eyes, that's for sure).

True Calling? You expect with a film with a pun title that it will be fun. This was not fun. There was no funny. This was the absence of fun and funny. There was no romance either. There was no investment in these characters, and even the dogs weren't really that cute (though clearly the best performers in the film). So yeah, there's dogs, but no, the title doesn't work at all for this heaping pile of doggie doodoo.

The Rewind: The scene where Max's sister is tallying up the money. It's not a lot of money but she's going back to the calculator for each bill she puts down. Like, not sorting the bills into piles or anything, just...lay a 20 down, add 20, lay a 5 down, add 5. Just...no wonder the rescue is going under. These kids don't know how to manage finances at all.

The Regulars: Lowndes is a Hallmark and off-Hallmark seasonal romance movie regular, but can't say I've ever seen her before.  Mom Alison Araya is a Hallmark semi-regular, and Dad Christopher Shyer was just in Three Wiser Men and a Little Boy among a few others. (At one point the three of them were sitting around a table and it was Hallmark's Meghan Fox sitting with Hallmark's Julianne Moore and Hallmark's Peter Gallagher).  Also Jonathan Bennett puts in a little cameo and brings the only bit of life into this dull-as-dog piss movie for about 85 seconds. 

Ezra we met in Finding Mr. Christmas, and while we knew already that he was a terrible actor, we weren't quite prepared for how truly godawful his performance would be. He seemed to be thinking about every movement he had to make and was plenty awkward in doing so. He barely had a scene where he had to say more than one line at a time and it was quite noticeable. I've mentioned a half dozen times how lifeless his eyes are, for as otherwise good looking as he is, this is a real vitality killer on screen.  He seems like a sweet kinda simple person in the reality show, but he's no performer.   

How does it Hallmark? Real bad. Even by bad Hallmark movie standards, this is real bad. If not the bottom of the list, then real, real close. This was about as enjoyable as waking up and stepping in dog piss with socks on.

This was an abysmal failure and shame on Hallmark for putting Ezra through this, and subjecting its audience to it. I don't know if Hayden's green card was last-minute rejected, but this film seemed tailor made for him. Max's story is his bloody backstory. His ex took off with his dog, for fucksake! (Unless Hayden's backstory on FMC was *gasp* made up!?!)

And maybe the filming of the movie would have clashed with Elijah's baby's due date, or if he got cast in something else?  There had to be some reason they didn't go with either of these handsome, charming actors and instead went with the tall, generically handsome lug.  Ezra would be the perfect Dick BF in one of these movies for the two scenes they would need him for, but he should never have been put in the lead.

How does it movie? pfft.

How Does It Snow? It rains pretty good.

---

As an experiment, this felt like a huge mistake, and you would think Hallmark, after watching the dire results of Happy Howlidays (in the hands of one of their most experienced director's no less) that they would realize this was not a good idea. Alas, apparently they've renewed Finding Mr. Christmas for a second season. I will not be going through that again. It's the holiday season, one should not willfully endure this kind of pain and suffering...not twice anyway.

T&K's XMas (2024) Advent Calendar: Day 23 - Three Wise Men and a Baby

2022, Terry Ingram (The Christmas Note) -- download

As I have seen far fewer of the establishing movies, and their staple actors, than Kent, and because I do so little active research into what is good, I decided to grab a pair of what Kent considered good. 

The Draw: Cuz Kent said it was good.

HERstory: No HerStory, its THEIRstory, and no not a chosen pronoun, but THEY as in the three Main Guys! That's neat! No main lady, its all men. And no not a Gay Hallmarkie either, not that there's anything wrong with that, its about three brothers and a baby boy. Yes, they ripped off that movie. Are we surprised? Its not like Hallmarkies have any shame to begin with.

Anywayz, we got a snowy flyover of the Big City (PST [not quite a PST actually] is called Spruce Grove, but I think its a suburb of Seattle?) to meet the first Brenner Brother, Firefight Luke (Andrew Walker, The Big Bang Theory) who is doing a fitcheck in the mirror. Next up we get Video Gamer Taylor (Tyler Hynes, Warehouse 13) getting fired from his video game interface designer job for being a Big Dick, and at the Company (Funnen Games... snort) Xmas Party no less. "Nobody likes you!" shouts one of his (ex)coworkers. And finally we meet the third brother, Pet Therapist Stephan (Paul Campbell, Battlestar Galactica) who likes pets but is afraid of people.

And to get to know the brothers better, we get fun little introductions as to where they live. Video Gamer lives in the basement (because, of course he does) while Pet Therapist lives in ... the pool house (?) in the back yard while I guess Firefighter Luke lives somewhere else in the house, as his own house is still being built.... 8 months later, but at least he spends most of his time in the firehall.

And because Firefighter Luke spends a lot of time at the firehall, its no surprise he meets the baby first, a baby boy left with a note, "Don't worry, I will be back my Xmas." Starting off the movie with child abandonment? Its too late to call Child Services so he takes the baby back to his mom's place. Buuut mom has to jet because Aunt Louise hurt herself and someone needs to be with her.

Next day, Firefighter Luke has to actually work for the day so unemployed Video Gamer and Pet Therapist get to figger out how to take care of a baby. Of course, its a disaster for the most part, with Pet Therapist stepping out briefly to meet his one (?) client, the talkative Redhead (Fiona Vroom, Human Target) who definitely fancies him. That leaves Video Gamer to go shopping for the baby -- the least the Absent Mom could have done was leave a basket of the necessities with the Baby. There are actually some chuckle moments as he tries to guess what to buy -- "Did you buy adult diapers?!?!?" Pet Therapist returns to mock his brother claiming he can bake cookies AND take care of a baby; bzzzzzzt. Burned Cookies and a screaming baby, but Firefighter Luke returns just in time to take care of everything. He really does have his shit together compared to the other two.

Exceeeeept the next day when he goes shopping and grabs the wrong baby. Da fuq is that baby's hair ?!?!? 

But that's alright, the Police fix everything. 😳

The next day, they hear from Mom (Margaret Collin, Three Men and a Baby) who is snowed-in and will not be returning anytime soon. So all three brothers are off to the Xmas Fair baby in tow, and it is at this point that I notice they never actually call the baby by his name (Thomas) which they do know, but .... ? Anywayz, Video Gamer runs into his ex (Ali Liebert, Director; Christmas in Notting Hill), who is also his ex-coworker, and its obviously they still have a thing for each other, but he's a loser so.... Anywayz, COOL ELF COSTUMES !!  They end up Xmas tree shopping where they argue over which tree is best, "The noble fir, its fer shure." Or something to that effect; there are quite a few chuckle-worthy / quotable moments in this movie.... for a Hallmarkie.

They bump into the Neighborhood Bully, Mark LaClark (that's such a Dick Name; Matt Hamilton, Legion), with his, "Wot up Nerds?" Seriously, not even Video Gamer deserves the Nerd moniker. They learn on the neighborhood House Decorating contest and decide they need to win it, for mom. Later on there is tree decorating and that brings in all the incidental characters (Video Gamer's ex, and Pet Therapist's Redhead) and they start planning a plan to win. And that all ends in the most definite Rewind moment, as the brothers all dance "Dance of the Sugar Plum". Its a most "okey dokey" (toasty code for befuddlement) moment but was just grand!

But what would a Hallmarkie without a complication. Firefighter Luke is delayed at the firehall for a kid whose Dead Dad was the late station chief, but it delays him enough that the brothers lose it on Firefighter Luke, who then completely loses his shit on them over having been their proxy-Dad after their real father abandoned the family. Buuuut this is interrupted when Pet Therapist discovers the Baby has a rash and rushes him to the Emergency Room, where Rando Doctor (Kimberly Sustad, Travelers) tells them it was ... a tooth? Does teething cause rashes? Whatever, I am sure this Hallmarkie knows as much about babies as I do (Toasty = Cat Dad) but that does draw the brothers together again for a heart 2 heart, and a make-up.

Oh yeah, they still have a Xmas Lights competition to .... lose? Yah even with the help of the other incidental characters, their Nativity based lights display is.... shit? Dick Neighbour wins again! But that's alright, cuz they get to play the Three Wisemen (get it, GET IT ??!?) and then Mom reappears as Aunt Louise is doing fine. And there are Xmas Carols, and then, oh yeah, the OTHER Mom appears, as in The Baby's Mom. And Pet Therapist confesses to his Redhead that he likes her -- does Pet Therapy have conflicts of interest with their clients? Also, Video Gamer heads over to his old company to confess to his ex that he's a Dick (typo as 'a duck' was much more funny) and that he will help his old team finish the game in time for Xmas. I guess they are a digital-release only company cuz.... well, you know. Also, he got his job back. And finally, Firefighter Luke goes to The Other Mom to present her with the ornament of the baby's footprint that the brothers made, and to tell her she was very brave for abandoning her Baby a week before Xmas so she could "find herself" again. Yeah, I am judgey, very judgey. 

ONE YEAR LATER !!

A House Warming of ... Luke New House. He's gotten together with The Other Mom (he has hasn't he? or is that just the sequel talking?), Video Gamer is with his ex, and Pet Therapist is with his Redhead. Also, Dick Neighbour shows up. 

Happy Life!

The Formulae: Very little. But there are a few things for show such as an Xmas Fair, some ice skating, buying and decorating an Xmas Tree, some miserable baking, and a conflict needing repair.

Unformulae: I mean, its primarily Comedy and secondarily a romcom? And it rips off Three Men and a Baby without any shame?

True Calling? Yup.

The Rewind: The "Dance of the Sugar Plum" dance.

The Regulars: All three of the mains are staples in any Hallmarkie Xmas Diet Plan, as well as some of the incidentals and the cameo by Kimberly Sustad is a chuckle, considering her and Paul Campbell wrote the movie. 

How does it Hallmark? You know, one I dispense with the idea that they have to follow The Formula and that it has to be Primarily Romance, this is a fun, easily digested Xmas Comedy perfect for their channel. I mean, I actually LOL.

How does it movie? Almost but not quite. I rewatched Last Christmas last night which is a properly funded, script and directed Xmas RomCom and you can see that even with the lesser examples, there is right proper Movie Making present, which is not present in (most) Hallmarkies. Then again, I bet if I dug through my deep past, I would find very low budgets Xmas Movies that were meant to be inserted in between "opening the presents" and "eating the Xmas Dinner" IRL.

How Does It Snow? I don't remember.... 

T&Ks XMas (2024) Advent Calendar - Day 22: Rescuing Christmas

2023, d. Emily Moss Wilson - Hallmark/W Network

The Draw: As we've been working through this year's Advent Calendar, Toasty and I seem to be on opposite sides of the Hallmarkie coin. Toasty wants the traditional Hallmarkie (and by "traditional" I don't mean "trad", but rather all the cliche/familiar Hallmarkie trappings like the PST/dick BF/hot cocoa/christmas tree shopping/decorating and baking montages/red truck and red dress traditional), while I seem to be gravitating towards the fantasy and Christmas magic and movies that want to escape the traditional.

This one was one of the late-in-the-season Hallmark movies last year that wasn't at all on my radar despite being a high profile Rachael Leigh Cook (Josie and the Pussycats) vehicle. As I was strolling the Hallmarkie offerings on Amazon/StackTV this one did catch my eye with mentions elves in the brief synopsis.

HERstory: We open with the MarVista logo, which sent a cold shiver down my spine. The trauma of A Royal Corgi Christmas is real. Elves Chuck (total "that guy" Patrick Thomas O'Brien) and Debbie (local hire Bailey Stender) -these are not great elf names- identify that Christmas spirit has been on a downward trajectory in recent years and have a plan to kick it back into gear. Find a candidate at random and give them 3 wishes (with caveats).  Santa (T. Mychael Rambo) -maybe the best Santa ever in the worst fake beard- pulls the trigger and lands on Erin (Cook), a photographer in Duluth, Minnesota.

I'm not sure we ever get a decisive reason why Erin is so grinchy about Christmas. We probably did, but it's been a day and a half since watching it and some of the finer (finer, ha!) details have been lost. She's not like a total a-hole about it, she's just kind of jaded, and over it, and not feeling particularly festive.

Chuck and Debbie's plan is to try to lure Erin into entering a contest to win 3 Christmas wishes by heisting her radio in the car and bombarding her with promotions, and then when that doesn't draw her in they start spamming her email, and when that doesn't work they start magic chatting with her with what looks like old-school malware popups. You looked at some very weird text-based porn, Erin.

She takes the bait, oddly enough (where as I would have just done a hard reset on my PC) and uses her first wish for her mom's Christmas pizzelles (if you don't know what a pizzelle is, then you're either not Italian or don't have a Pizza Nova in your neighborhood... it's just a thin pancake-like Italian cookie). Barely a heartbeat later Erin's mom is at the door, in-and-out handing her a container of pizzelles.

Jumbling the timeline, Erin's sister Maria (Kathryn Fumie) and brother-in-law Taylor (Rod Kasai) try to set her up with Sam (Sam Page, Mad Men), a lawyer Taylor is working with and trying to hire full time. Erin isn't into the set-up but Sam likes her moxie and keeps trying, and Erin seems a bit...flustered by the attention.  

Ah, I remember now, Erin got broken up with on or around Christmas by fellow photographer Archie (Ahmed El-Mawas), and Erin now finds out that he's gotten a nature photography grant that she's always wanted, and Archie doesn't even do nature photography. When prompted for her second wish, she just wants a little credit, recognition from Archie of how she helped him. A knock at the door, Archie appears, handsome, full of charm and ego. He swoops in and starts dominating Erin's life again, much to Maria and Taylor's chagrin. They point out how he just takes-takes-takes from Erin, offering nothing in return except self-serving platitudes and admiration. Erin thinks this is what she wants, only to find, within the day, that Archie is not only insufferable, but he ate all her pizzelles, and that's the last straw for her. He's on the street never to be seen from again.

This is a long way to go before we get to the actual premise of the movie, which is, when prompted for her third wish, Erin is feeling pretty low about Christmas again, frustrated, and she wishes Christmas would just...disappear. It's a red alert at the North pole, unless the elves and Santa can get Erin to truly believe in Christmas and reverse the wish before midnight December 25, then Christmas will be gone forever.

Erin, in total disbelief that Christmas has disappeared, starts to talk to everyone she can about Christmas, and everyone is baffled. She tells Sam, and the lawyer in Sam says he's willing to make a case for Christmas with Erin, and they being trying to bring Christmas traditions to Erin's family, and spread Christmas cheer around Duluth.  Debbie steps in to help spruce things up to look a little more festive (and a lot less janky) while Chuck tries to encourage the romance between Erin and Sam (it doesn't need much encouragement Chuck). 

Santa, meanwhile, is just kind of taking a vacation and enjoying himself plenty...but offering a little nudge here and there. Like, he points he mayor of Duluth, always looking for new and unique ways to draw attention to their small city, to the weirdly decorated house. The mayor asks Erin if she can bring this festivity to the whole city, and so her and Sam get to work on embiggening the Christmas celebration.

It all culminates in a town square, with a giant, garishly decorated tree lighting ceremony, and Erin giving a big speech about the spirit of Christmas and what it all means, thinking that it will magically reverse everything. It does not.

Turns out, Erin's actions were all about bringing Christmas joy and spirit to others, but not to herself. So it's up to the best santa ever to give her a nudge, and ask her just what Christmas means to her. She tells him, there's a flash, and Santa is gone, everything is back, and she up and kisses Sam. The elves get promoted into a safe space where they won't interact with the outside world, and Sam joins Erin and her family for Christmas day.  Late Christmas evening, at Sam's place, they've fallen asleep together on the couch, and Santa stops by to drop off a gift... it's one of the janky ornaments from the alt-reality. Fin.

The Formulae: It's a heavy spin on the holiday Scrooge/Grinch scenario (the elves at one point even dismiss the three ghosts scenario), but not a lot of the usual Hallmarkie tropes. There is a moment where Sam and Erin go find a Christmas tree to cut down, and it's one of the saddest Christmas trees this side of Charlie Browns.  There are quite a few mugs of hot cocoa which, clearly, have no liquid and are just cups of marshmallows, except maybe the fancy cup Santa makes for himself. 

Unformulae: It's a playful bit of Christmas magic that plays by its own rules (and sometimes doesn't even know if it has rules or not).

True Calling? I suppose, but I think it needed a more sensational title like "Christmas is Missing" or "Bringing Back Christmas"

The Rewind: I had to marvel at all the foam-bubble snow, particularly in wide shots when people were walking in it. Also any scene with Santa is fantastic. T Mychael Rambo really is the perfect Santa...except that horrendous beard, which looks almost exactly like the foam-bubble snow.  

Also the scenes North Pole General Counsel (Great Oglesby) are so much fun...but then I work with legal stuff all the time so this may be just be me enjoying the legal talk based around absurd Christmas magic.

The Regulars: It's really just Cook, who joined the Hallmark squad ...whoa, way back in 2016, and has made at least one movie with them nearly every year since. Page has also been a Hallmark hunk since 2016, but a very under-the-radar hunk. 

How does it Hallmark? If we're going by how tropey is it, not very. It also looks different than most Hallmarks, like it got another half-mil in the budget. It feels more...lived in, which may be the Duluth of it all. They seemed to have gotten pretty free reign in the town, likely as a promotional element (although, given how often they make up names of towns in Hallmarkies, is the average Hallmark watching going to realize that Duluth is a real place they can visit?). 

Whomever was set decorating did a great job of making things seem natural, not Christmas-bombed (when there actually was Christmas in the movie, that is) like the usual Hallmark.  

How does it movie? It's a really decent watch, but it's a big, big step (or two or ten) away from being a real movie-grade-movie. The magic of it all is really, really subdued. There's no special effects, at all and the "North Pole" sets are passably interesting (real places in Duluth just spruced up with a bit of Christmas...the Christmas train was very nice though...clearly a museum piece), but this needed a LOT more magic in it from Santa and the elves. It also really needed to play with the distortion of reality even more than it did, and lean even more into the comedy of people thinking that Erin has cuckoo bananas.  

Also, when Erin is explaining Christmas to people, she completely side-steps the Christ-in-Christmas part of the story. When she looks up "Christmas" in the dictionary, there's still Christians and Christianity and such, so it's not like baby Jesus was blinked out of existence too. It didn't need to be a whole big thing, but it should have been some thing. 

If some of the production values and scaling of the story let me down, what does really work for this is really good performances all around. The regional local hires all killed it. Fumie and Kasai had some really impeccable comedic timing, and Stender, who barely has any on screen credit, was basically the third most prominent player in the movie and had incredible energy (she was so good I thought she was Jillian Bell at first).

How Does It Snow? Oh, that bubble snow. And lots and lots of it. And in some scenes, so much cotton batting filling up the background. Thousands of dollars worth, I'm sure.  

It was Duluth, but probably late April-ish by the look of it (May, it turns out). Duluth is a sister city to Thunder Bay, where I grew up. Both are on Lake Superior about a 4 hour drive away from each other, but similar temperatures. It's fucking cold.  It's average temperature in December is -8. The cast was wearing light winter gear, the kind you see in Hallmark movies, but didn't look like they were sweating in them.  But in actual December when you're on Superior, you need layers upon layers with no exposed skin, because that dry cold will suck the moisture right out of you. 

KWIF: Wicked

 KWIF=Kent's Week in Film. It's been a while since I've been able to make it to the theatres, and even longer since I've watched a new (or new-to-me) movie that isn't Christmas-themed. Blame it on a busy work schedule and a plethora of TV to consume.

This Week:
Wicked [Part 1] - 2024, d. John M. Chu - in theatre
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I have not seen the Wicked musical and I have not read the book, and I'm definitely not precious about the 1939 Warner Bros. classic film. I am, however, a bit of a fan of the Oz franchise. I like it in its many deviant, public domain forms. I also don't like it in many of its deviant, public domain forms. So it goes with public domain properties.

My favourite Oz stuff is when Oz gets weird. The Return to Oz is a pretty special movie and, much more that the classic Judy Garland version, cemented my affection for the property (can you still call it "property" when it's in the public domain?). I also quite enjoyed Sam Raimi's Oz: The Great and Powerful. Both these films were Disney productions and both weren't triumphant successes on critical nor commercial levels, and part of that I have to presume is because they're only able to reference the Judy Garland classic in a roundabout way, and in part I also have to presume because they're not musicals.

Well, Wicked, obviously is. One of the bigger Broadway successes of the the past 20 years, it's a musical based off the novel by Gregory Maguire, which itself was such a success that I think it may have single-handedly launched the "let's reassess our villains as misunderstood heroes" trend that's been slow burning ever since.

The adaptation here is brought to the screen by John M. Chu, director of Crazy Rich Asians and G.I. Joe Retaliation, yes, but also the big screen adaptation of Lin Manuel Miranda's In the Heights and, like, four Step Up movies and some Justin Beiber concert films. He's certainly well versed in both the singing and the dancing side of filmmaking, and over the years he's garnered a reputation as a filmmaker who makes, at the very least, good looking films.

And Wicked looks good...really damn good. The set designs in this film are magnificent. Given how much they use a space for song and dance numbers, the expense pays off. I routinely found myself looking at the sets during a musical moment, moreso than the dancing. But I would get drawn back into the dancing, thanks to the costumes. The wardrobe department did an incredible job of making garments that look phenomenal on the performers but also move in such a way as to draw the eye to them. The design flourishes are also just so intricate and really alluring.

The story finds Glinda, the Good Witch (Ariana Grande) amidst the munchkins as they celebrate the death of the Wicked Witch of the West. Glinda is a populist, she's all about pleasing the people and making herself look good, so she doesn't really say too much, but Grande portrays the conflict in her eyes, and the hesitation at partaking in the celebration. Someone asks Glinda to address the scandalous rumour that she, the Good Witch, was once friends with with wicked green one. 

Flashing back, we get the story of Elphaba's conception (yes) and birth. The product of an illicit affair with some black magic and trickery causing her to be born...green. She immediately disgusts her father, and is basically raised by the family's au pere, a bear. Her little sister comes along and is born with issues with her legs that have her confined to a wheelchair. She winds up being Elphaba's only friend, pretty much, as everyone else mocks, fears, or hates her.

Arriving at the Shiz University with her sister, an outburst causes Elphaba's (Cynthia Erivo) magic to erupt, catching the attention of Madame Morrible (Michelle Yeoh) who takes her under her wing, much to the consternation of Galinda, who really wanted to be Morrible's protege. Galinda, used to getting everything she wants, resents Elphaba for it, also because she's forced to take her on as a roommate.

Of course things take a turn, and Galinda and Elphaba find an unlikely friendship after one good turn is repaid with another. A boy arrives, a prince of a sort, and he's immediately taken with Elphaba (mostly because she wants nothing to do with him, and that intrigues him) and of course Galinda gets her paws in him straight away.

There's a side plot about the animals of Oz being removed from any positions of authority, and even positions of service. Come to learn that the young animals of Oz are being caged, prevented from learning to speak, think, develop and contribute meaningfully to society. There's a campaign of fear targeting them, rallying the public to ever more extreme cruelty and treatment of these beings (even suggesting that the people may be eating them?)

Elphaba, through Morrible, is granted an audience with the Wizard, and she takes Galinda (now Glinda, for reasons) with her. Their encounter with the Wizard (Jeff Goldblum) is not quite what they expected. The intent was for Elphaba to prove herself to the Wizard, and maybe become his right hand one day, but she saw through his flim-flammery in a way few others have, and saw he is the one responsible to the confinement and torture of the animals. She escapes from Emerald City on a flying broom, Glinda captured by guards, and she's named public enemy number 1.

There's some impressive things happening in this telling of wicked. The first is in casting Erivo as the daughter of a black woman, but born with green skin. There's a potency to the outsiderism as a result that doesn't play the exact same way as if it were a white woman in the same makeup. The relentless teasing and mockery by "normal kids" has an additional layer of harshness and disgust to it. And when she's told the Wizard might be able to wish away the colour of her skin (and then she sings about that possibility, you can see how torn she is with the desire to "fit in" and not always having to explain herself, versus loving herself for who she is, other people be damned...)it's a gutting moment that happens more than once.  Erivo is in full control of this character, and gets every intention of the words she sings or speaks, and seems to infuse even more of her own. 

Erivo is so good that it's almost painful to report that she's overshadowed slightly by Grande's performance as Glinda/Galinda. The tightrope Grande has to walk in being the popular blonde who always gets her way and everyone loves her because she's so sweet (because her sweetness gets her the attention she desires) well... it seems like it should be so transparently fake, that her "good deeds" are all for her own glory, and yet, Grande manages to make Galinda if not fully likeable than decidedly not hateable. It's almost like Galinda's transparentness tells you exactly where you stand with her. I dunno, I was genuinely impressed by how much I wanted to hate her, but I just couldn't. And when Grande starts taking command of a scene, it's all hers.

It's all a shame then that the songs aren't particularly memorable. The end of act 1 showstopper, Defying Gravity, is the big one, but I can't really think of another tune that stuck out or even got my toes tapping. There aren't really any bops here.

The dancing, on the one hand, was really weird, and I didn't like it, but on the other hand, it did feel oddly suitable for a weird place like Oz to have weird dancing. But it was a little too weird, and gangly and akimbo and awkward. Again, for the most part, I didn't like it. But I get what they were going for and I guess they succeed, even if it didn't please me.

But worst of all, I didn't like this Oz. As beautiful as it was (that clockwork train was an absolutely gorgeous piece of digital sculpting and engineering), beyond the dancing, it was missing the weird. Where was the China Doll like in Oz the Great and Powerful, or Jack Pumpkinhead, or Tik Tok, or the The Gump or the Wheelies of Return to Oz. There was nothing new added to Oz in this beyond the school, and the school is probably its least interesting element.

The whole school bit is made all the more unusual (I guess weird, but not good weird) by the fact that it's inhabited by largely 30-somethings, you know, grown-ass adults. These are not young people attending this school. And I really didn't care for the Harry Potter vibes it was so obviously aping, but trying not to look like it was aping. I'm kind of done with fantasy school settings for a while.

The whole persecution of the animals...well, it's a very now thing, and likely to be an even more relevant thing as this right wing wave continues to crash over so much of the world. It's the catalyst to show Elphaba's difference from everyone else, of being someone whose angry about the mistreatment of others, and trying to fight a system that so ready to just look away to maintain their own comfort.

Wicked on stage is roughly 2 hours and 45 minutes long with a 15 minute intermission. This film, presented as "Part 1", is 2 hours and 40 minutes with credits which is pretty wild, when you think about it. But it doesn't do a bad job earning its running time. Honestly, maybe a couple of musical numbers could have been cut short, but overall I wasn't bored.  I didn't love it, but I wasn't bored.

I could telegraph a lot of where the story was going, and I feel like there's nothing in the way of surprises given everything this movie has set up. As much as I didn't fully love it and probably won't watch Part 1 again, I certainly will be watching the sequel, if only because there's enough there to enjoy...and just that little bit of hope that somehow, someway, Glinda and Elphaba found each other again and faked Elphaba's death.