T&K's XMas Advent Calendar (2024) - Day 4: Our Little Secret

 2024, d. Stephen Herek (Critters, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) - Netflix

The Draw: I thought I might watch all the Netflix Christmas movies this year since there were only supposed to be five of them, but I heard (from the Deck the Hallmark podcast) that The Merry Gentlemen was such a stinker that I didn't bother. As I was trying to pick out a movie today, I decided I don't want to watch any of the Hallmarkies that I've heard about on the DTH pcast, because I think so much of the fun of Hallmarkies is really having no expectations for any of them. So knowing whether someone thinks one is good, bad, or just ok influences how I feel about the thing going into it (also knowing all the beats and where it goes unformulae is kind of a bummer... I need to just listen to the pcast after watching one).

HERstory: As Avery's dad (Henry Czerny) tells us over an animated intro, Avery (Lindsay Lohan) and Logan (Ian Harding) grew up next door to one another and were best friends and at the most ease with one another. Eventually they started dating an it looked to be a sure thing they were going to spend their entire lives together...but Avery's mom died, and Avery decided she would take a job offer in the UK, leaving after Christmas 2014. Logan drunkenly proposes to give her "a reason to stay" but it drives a wedge not only into their relationship, but their friendship, and they don't talk again.

10 years later (after a very, very weird opening credits sequence where Netflix decides what the most important moments of the past 10 years were, getting plugs in for Stranger Things and Squid Game) Avery is going to her boyfriend Cam's (Jon Rudnitsky) parent's place (upstate?) for an extended Christmas break where she's hoping to finally win over his overbearing, elitist mother, Erica (Kristin Chenoweth). At the same time Logan is going with his girlfriend Cassie (Katie Baker) to her parents place (upstate?) for an extended Christmas Vacation. Of course, it's the same family (and Erica loves Logan).

Upon encountering one another, Avery pretends not to know Logan and Logan plays along. It's kind of clear, almost immediately, that Logan is not over Avery, and probably never will be, and is basically willing to do anything for her...but not in a simpering way, but in a mindful, conscientious way. She doesn't see it, all she sees is the past she thinks she's left behind.

But the week doesn't go as planned and Avery and Logan are basically stuck spending more time together than with their partners. Various shenanigans ensue, such as Avery wearing Cam's younger brother's jacket and accidentally eating a whole bunch of weed gummies, only for them to kick in when they're at a church ceremony where Logan has gotten Avery the gig of reading the story of the Nativity as a means of helping her impress Erica. Hijinks at the pulpit ensue. Or later that night, Erica (naturally) has the munchies and mows down on a jar of cookies on the counter only to find out, the next morning, that they were for a cookie exchange Erica was hosting so Avery makes it look like Erica's beloved Yorkie has eaten them. Hijinks at the vet ensue. Or Cam's younger brother overhears Erica and Logan talking and blackmails them to keep their secret and...hijinks don't really ensue?

All the while Logan is trying to prepare a his first land development proposal in hopes of landing an opportunity that presented itself through Erica, and impress the boss who is never impressed. Avery is supposed to be helping him out, but doesn't really, much, beyond some encouragement, she's too busy with hijinks and trying to impress Erica.

Also, turns out Cam has his own best friend-turned-girlfriend who moved away and is now back and she's a doctor and tall and biracial and stunning and Avery is envious more than jealous? And Logan learns that they have hooked up. He could use this as ammo to drive a wedge in between Cam and Avery but instead warns her as a friend to be careful. She still tells him off.  There's other twists and secrets that come into play mid-way through the third act, which then all explode in one grand revelation party where it turns out everyone is either hooking up or breaking up.

Of course, Avery does a good deed (finally) for Logan and gets Erica to encourage her neighbour to read Logan's pitch, and he gets the big job...and Avery buys her dad's home off him (oh yeah, there was a whole thing about that throughout the film). At her housewarming party, Logan confesses he still loves her and she robotically responds in kind.

A year later, looks like they're happy. 

The Formulae/Unformulaw: There's the picking out a Christmas tree scene, but this is an actual Christmas tree farm. Actual location shoot! Netflix money baby!

There's a sort of that "bit of a big city girl goes back to her small town home, runs into an old boyfriend and finds a reason to stay"... but it's less about the boy, more about the physical home, weirdly enough. 

There's the tried and true formula of two exes meeting in an unusual circumstance and learning through those tribulations that they are still in love/meant to be together... but not here. Logan is still in love with Avery, but tamps it down giving her a shot at happiness with Cam, and Avery, she clearly finds comfort in connecting with Cam, but there's no sense of romance coming from her whatsoever. She's kind of self-involved and has her own agenda.

True Calling? There is a secret, and it's mostly kept between those two. Confirmed.

The Rewind: The opening sequence, after Logan's epic fail of a proposal, there's, like, this one guy in the background with the best "what the fuck was that" screw face look.

The Regulars: Ian Harding starred in 2022 Hallmarkie Ghosts of Christmas Always. Lohan, of course, starred in 2022's Netflix holiday romance Falling for Christmas (for some reason I thought Toasty had watched that one, but nope). Chenoweth was in the perennial Kent household favourite Holidate, as well as Hallmark's A Christmas Love Story. 

This film also has small parts for non Hallmarkie notables like Czerny, Tim Meadows, Chris Parnell, and Judy Reyes.

How does it Hallmark? It's a much better looking production than a Hallmark movie, because it has Netflix budget behind it. It also sounds better, with better score and music. But it's not better than a great number of Hallmarkies, because Hallmarkies are about romance, even if the romance is super obtuse and the scenario is dumb as a pail of ashes, it's still about getting two people together over the course of a movie. This movie seems to be fighting that very premise, even though that is soooo obviously the premise and where it is heading.  It's kind of maddening, to the point that we never really feel any chemistry between Lohan and Harding. They seem like good pals. There's no heat. At all.

How does it movie? Not great, Bob. Our Little Secret never commits to being a comedy. It's like it thought about it but decided it didn't want to go that route. It has moments that are comedic (almost by accident) and it has setups that seem like their primed for comedy, but the comedy never arrives. And it's not like Lohan or Harding or Chenoweth are overreaching and failing to be funny, but instead they're leaning back and not trying at all, just letting the premise lead...and they can't carry the comedy on their own.  I did have a couple little laughs, especially as everything explodes in grand fashion, but in the right performers' hands, this could have bin a big, broad, probably really dumb comedy, instead it's a pretty staid non-rom-non-com.

As well, I felt the film never properly established its dynamics. We're told, not shown, how great of friends Avery and Logan are to start with, but we never actually see it. It's already coming apart by the time we step in. It would have been nice for a real charming moment of the two of them being comfortable and in love.  Similarly, we never really see Avery and Cam, or Logan and Cassie together in any meaningful capacity that tells us they're in real serious relationships that are worth fighting for or can survive the reunion of two lovers who haven't seen each other in ten years (and possibly have unresolved issues to work through...though the movie doesn't ever spotlight that process of working it through).

How Does It Snow? A little snow, here and there. It looks like it's maybe November somewhere... it's not Wintery, but winter is coming.