T&K's XMas Advent Calendar (2024) - Day 1: Holiday Touchdown (A Chiefs Love Story)

2024, d. John Putch - Hallmark Channel/W Network 

The Draw: I find Tyler Hynes kind of irresistible and often makes the worst Hallmark dreck somewhat tolerable...maybe even enjoyable.  I also think Hunter King is real cute (not to be mistaken with our family friend of the same name, though he's cute too). Plus, I figured given the NFL crossover and the Swiftie fan base they were looking to draw into this that Hallmark would pull out all the stops, and maybe, just maybe, there might be something special (or at least interesting) about this

HERstory: The film opens with some decently manufactured super-8 home videos and doctored archival footage to tell the story of two families in the 1960s who became Kansas City Chiefs fans for life when they bought seasons tickets all next to each other. The families co-mingled to produce Alana (King), a Chiefs devotee who is primed to take over her family's Chiefs fan merch store.  

Meanwhile Derrick (Hynes, aka "DRKS") is new to KC, a recent hire in marketing for the Chiefs. The team is about to launch their "Fan of the Year" initiative, but DRKS boss sends him to Alana's grandparents' restaurant for some authentic KC BBQ. It's almost as if KC is a town of 2000 people and not an area population of 2 million, because Alana's grandmother (Christine Ebersole) and mother (Mary Elizabeth McDonough) both immediately see DRKS as total dating material for her.

He eventually meets the whole family, being brought to the family run Chiefs merch store, and is weirdly invited to help decorate their Chritmas tree in front of the store (in what was clearly mid-to-late spring). He and Alana connect if only because both Hynes and King are very charming, good looking people and it makes sense for them to act a goo-goo about each other, except Alana explains to DRKS their magic toque that helps the Chiefs get to the Superbowl every time it's worn. Okay, they're crazy fans. He mildly patronizes them and their silly superstition and they all turn on him and send him packing. Except...

The next day DRKS boss gives him Alana's family as possible fan-of-the-year contenders and he has to go back and ingratiate himself on the family. There's a whole lot of Chiefs and vaguely Christmas related bullshit which helps DRKS and Alana get closer (if only because the story needs them to). The family wins "Fan of the Year" and their toque story becomes the talk of fandom. This leads to a charity gift drive where the toque is stolen, and DRKS (who kind of pretended to believe in the "magic"in the wooing of Alana lets slip he thinks thinks the team will do just fine without superstition). Alana can't believe what she's hearing, on top of being distraught about the hat, suddenly DRKS is not the Chiefs man she wanted.

But a heartfelt talk with...someone... changes her mind and she goes to the big Christmas day game and makes a big pledge of affection and believing in different kinds of magic or some shit (I turned out), and DRKS to make up for the lost toque has put a toque under every fan's seat at the game as some romantic gesture to Alana I guess? And then the Santa returns the lost to Alana's grandpa (Ed Begley Jr.) and grampa then remembers it's the same Santa that gave him the toque all those decades ago in the first place.

Magic!

The Formulae: I dunno. Hallmark has gotten so far away from following their usual formulae that they're kind of no fun anymore in that regard.  I mean, I guess if you're playing "Hallmarkie Bingo" you would cross out the square for "wearing no winter gear besides a wool coat (unzipped) and then complaining how cold out it is (when it's obviously spring or summer)".  

There's giant Santa magic (because Santa in this is a giant).

Unformulae: This was so Christmas-lite that there wasn't even much talk about hot chocolate or a baking montage, and even the gingerbread house-making contest is completely jumped past. 

Instead of feeling festive it's like someone barfed ketchup and mustard all over a Hallmark movie.

True Calling? Uh, no. There's not a single touchdown seen in this movie. And as for the "love story", if it's certainly about how much Alana loves the Chiefs. Like, a ridiculous amount. An amount that should have turned DRKS off practically every time Alana brought them up, which was ALL THE TIME.  

The Rewind: I dunno. 

The Regulars: Hynes and King are the regulars here, with a stacked cast of non-regular ringers like Ebersole, Begley Jr., Diedrich Bader, Richard Riehle, and a bunch of KC Chiefs related cameos who made themselves obvious as cameos even though I had no idea who they were.

How does it Hallmark? Even for a Hallmark movie, this was dogshit. It was crass commercialization of brand cross-pollination that makes Mac and Me's McDonalds sponsorship look restrained in comparison (ooh, pulling out a Mac and Me reference). The thing we go to Hallmark for -- familiarity and romance -- are so absent here. Even if you're a die-hard football fan, even if you're a die-hard KC Chiefs fan, I'm still not sure if you're going to relate to how fixated Alana gets over this "magic toque". It's like, chill out, girl. And the fact that DRKS works for the Chiefs seems to be the ONLY reason Alana is into him. And the only reason he's into her is, well, it seems like she's the first single woman he's met since he arrived in KC.  It's really not romantic at all.

If this was supposed to be a gateway for the Swifties who have become KC fans due to their tangential relationship to the pop singer, it's a botched effort. I don't think Hallmark will be making many converts out of them.

How does it movie? It's an ugly, unholy piece of trash unfit for general consumption, and I'm only mildly exaggerating. I think most everyone is doing what they can in the name of "synergy" but I felt mildly queasy almost the entire film based on how totally, overwhelmingly focused the film was on the Cheifs and/or being a fan of the Chiefs and/or working for the Chiefs. (No cut to any discussion about whether the continued use of the name "Chiefs" is at all offensive, because, America.)

I hated this one. It's not fun bad, it's just bad bad. 

How Does It Snow? At one point there is digital snow. The family is sitting around a fire pit (maybe a Solo Stove?) and drinking spiked eggnog when DRKS happens by (he was visiting a Chiefs'-themed Christmas lights display down the street) and he's asked to join them. They pretend it's cold out again (even though the lawns and trees are lush and green) and he bundles up under a blanket with Alana (jacket wide open, no hat or gloves), gets his eggnog, and then... SNOW. The fakest's ass digital snowglobe looking snow you've ever seen. Every cut some production assistant has placed a little pile of fake snow on the shoulder of one of the people in the scene. It's all absurd.