Xmas Leftovers: Red One

2024, Jake Kasdan (Zero Effect) -- Amazon

Santa Claus (JK Simmons, Whiplash) is real. Not only is he real but the world powers are aware of him and collaborate together for Christmas Night, and the weeks leading up to it. That probably means parents become aware he is real. I mean, at some point, someone is going to realize that presents they didn't buy show up under the tree. Anywayz, 21st century Santa has technology and a Security Detail currently run by Calum Drift (The Rock, Skyscraper) who is a bit down on Xmas, given that the Naughty List outweighs the Nice List more and more each year. He's retiring after this run. And then a black ops team breaks into Fortress North Pole and kidnaps Santa right out from under his security team's nose.

Nice detail that the North Pole is under Polar Night when the kidnapping happens... in most movie, you get lovely daytime scenes with snow glistening and all kinds of things that wouldn't be present in December.

Calum has to go to MORA (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority), the secretive organization that not only hides Santa from general knowledge, but also a lot of other mythological creatures. Turns out a hacker named Jack O'Malley (Chris Evans, Ghosted) traced Santa's location back to the North Pole which gave the kidnappers the secret whereabouts of Santa. Calum, together with an anthropomorphic Polar Bear named Garcia (Reinaldo Faberlle, Mayor of Kingstown), waterboards O'Malley (no, not really) until he gives up who hired him. With the information they learn that Grylla an old mythological Winter Witch has the Big Man, and likely for very Naughty List reasons.

This has got to be the worst looking, muddiest, most washed out and indiscernible 4K movie I have ever seen. There were just so many scenes where I couldn't see what was going on at all and to the point, that I wondered if my Internet was crapping out and it was all digital breakup. But no, it wasn't. It just looked like shit. And to be completely honest, it really impacted how much I was enjoying the movie. If you are going to build a 21st century twist on a mythological world, let us fucking SEE IT. 

Beyond that it was a somewhat tiresome plot with The Rock playing all the other Rock characters, Chris Evans playing his pre-MCU characters (snarky, smarmy, lecherous) and everyone else basically phoning it home. And yeeeet, I kind of liked it? As a concept, I am there. I liked the exploration of Santa myth, even if they go the "hi tech" way. Its just.... well, this movie is like many of the thrillers pooped out by the streaming giants of late (Red Notice, Heart of Stone, The Adam Project, etc.) in that it sacrifices what makes a movie good (dialogue, direction, script) for spectacle and some names. Don't get me wrong, I love me some spectacle and it can lead a movie, but they even fucked that up here with the muddy visuals. But there was a enough of it there that I was ... OK with it? I feel a bit of shame in admitting that, as I should hold myself to greater standards, even if you are ignoring the schlock crime movies I tend to watch. I guess it is summed up by my feelings that this movie could have been perfect for me, if they had just put a wee bit more effort into it and not let the Purple Suits drag them along by the nose.

Also, why does Garcia get top poster placement? He's barely in the movie and his voice actor is all but unknown...