T&K's XMas (2024) Advent Calendar: Day 9 - The Christmas Brew

2024, Vincent Conrorio (The Christmas Venue) -- download

I once suggested we watch nothing but off-brand. If I recall correctly, I couldn't quite define that but I guess it would be movies either actually produced or aired by Hallmark, Lifetime and its affiliates? There must be companies out there who know they can sell the "style" to the TV channels, like Canada's Global or CityTV, who add them to their mid-afternoon lineups? Anywayz, THIS was aired on AppleTV I believe, and ... wow, its off-off-brand, like one level above student film but definitely deep in the indie film making bucket.

The Draw: Beer. Its about craft beer.

HERstory: Tori works for a work work work firm called BevCo, and its a couple of weeks before Xmas. She tells her roommate that she is having coffee with a coworker, one whom she has fancied for a while and who recently became her boss. She thinks they are getting together so they can mutually confess attraction, which would be entirely inappropriate.  Alas, he just has more work work work for her.

He wants her to drive a couple of hours upstate to a small local brewery and present a plan to buy out the place. He also mentions its just because they pissed off a Board member, so they will likely just absorb the place and dismantle any local "flavour". But despite admitting she knows she works for Big Evil, she also has plans to introduce a business model where they can keep small businesses running while supporting the community -- its all presented in her nicely printed and coil bound presentation.

The town is definitely not a PST nor is it really decorated for the holidays. They didn't even stoop to insert some stock video/photography of PSTs to round the look out, just shot at the actual location of the actual small town brewery in which the place is shot -- the Real McCoy Brewery in Delmar, NY. The Peanut Gallery comments how the place looks like it came from an box kit for making small breweries, with high tops and stools and garage doors. She's not wrong -- the only thing missing were Edison bulbs to round out the cliche. 

She shows up, meets Freddy, the guy behind the bar and not long after, Evan the head brewer and owner, who instantly shoots her down. He might be having issues paying the bills but no way does he want to Sell Out to an evil corporation like BevCo. So, she pulls out something out of her back-pocket, wherein she offers them the chance to retains full ownership and control, just get branded as a BevCo company. Dick Not BF suggested it as a selling point if double-the-offer didn't work out, claiming he could just end up retracting it all in the legalese.

After striking out with Evan on the deal, she retires to the local B&B with full intent on convincing him otherwise. The B&B turns out to be run by Evan's mother. She cozies up in the nicely decorate for Xmas room in cozy PJs lent by Evan's mom, as she didn't bring anything. I guess they also offer her a toothbrush?

Over the next few days she chums around with Evan presenting ideas that are more her ethical way of dealing with small businesses than what's in the actual paperwork, while he sells her on the idea that his business is part of the community and changing it would ruin everything. They attend a fund raiser for the local animal shelter, eat burgers at the local gastro pub as she tries to put off her Dick Not BF.

Eventually Dick Not BF does show up with some sleazy paperwork that states that if Evan can get a Top 10 Beer review from a famous beer blogger, he can get the version of the paperwork Tori outlined and retain control. If he doesn't then BevCo gobbles them up and he's gone. But on the morning of the tasting, the power has gone out and all the beer is... off temp? I like to drink craft beer, and don't know much about perfect conditions, but even the bottled "Christmas Brew" he has in the fridge comes off flat and the blogger leaves wondering why even showed up. Turns out Dick Not BF did something nefarious by calling the local power company and having Evan's power turned off. But Tori doesn't know this, and returns with Dick Not BF to The Big City, knowing full well she lost Evan and that he has lost his business.

Buuuut during dinner with the Board member and Dick Not BF she learns this was always an Evil Plan and the Board member just wants the whole place dismantled and shut down because they were rude to him. Tori is aghast and stalks out, quitting her job at BevCo.

The next morning, Evan is disheartened and not sure how he will tell his friends and family that all is lost when the blogger reappears, having been dragged along by Tori. Somehow she convinced the guy to come again without the interference of Dick Not BF and he begrudgingly agreed. They still have a chance to get in the Top 10. The first beer he tries a pilsner, because he's "completely over this IPA thing" (high five fictional blogger dude, HIGH FIVE!) which turns out to be Just Alright, but definitely not impressive enough to get on a list let along Top 10. But then Evan asks for a favour, a bit of faith and grabs a bottle of Freddy's Christmas Brew from the fridge promising that this time it will be better. I am not sure where this faith comes from because Freddy has even convinced Tori to try it prior and she was not impressed, like at all. Maybe I missed something being different about this bottle but Mr Blogger's socks are blown off, not only will this beer be on his Top 10 but its one of the best beers he has ever had in his life. You know, I would probably love the Christmas Brew myself as I really enjoy seasonal dark ales, but its very rare for them to be anything special as they are usually overwhelmed by "Xmas scents & tastes" (ginger, cinnamon, etc.) but sure Mr Blogger, you do you. It saves the brewery as Dick Not BF is forced to fund the brewery and leave them in complete control. Not sure why he cannot just do the legal wheeling & dealing he originally intended on doing, but sure... happy ending.

The Formulae: Well, a work work work girl goes to a small town (not calling it a PST), from The Big City in order to buy some small business, so she can get a promotion or something along the line. There is a even more work work work Dick Not BF who she fancies but upon arrival, the Male Main is a rugged, handsome small town kind of guy. There is a small business in jeopardy but the Female Main has to dump the Evil Corp in order to keep the Male Main, but only after saving his business. 

Unformulae: There is nothing really Xmas about the movie, but for the overly decorated B&B and the fact they say its near Xmas. The small town is shamefully lacking any PST qualities at all. There is no Xmas Event where she wears a red dress.

True Calling? Well, the movie is definitely about a Christmas Brew so....

The Rewind: Nothing at all.

The Regulars: None. This is off off off brand so there's not a single recognizable face unless you accept the fact that three of the actors in the director's previous movie, his only other movie which was also a Hallmarkie, are also in this movie. Definitely doesn't count in my books.

How does it Hallmark? Basic attempt at the formula?

How does it movie? This is where the movie gets my ire, and maybe undeservedly so. Hallmarkies are already low budget and get around it by having scripts that probably cost pennies, a large stable of actors probably willing to work for pennies and have no problem faking just about everything in the movies, and relying heavily on stock imagery. This movie had even less of a budget and doesn't even bother trying to fake it. There were barely any extras, almost zero shots outside the brewery or the B&B, and everything looked like it took one to three shots and PRINT IT ! I feel guilty panning the low budget quality as the leads put in admirable performances but it looked and felt cheap cheap cheap, like a low budget horror movie where you can see the zipper on the costume. Even the music was ultra cheap, as the used one folk singer's catalog and played it every every single fucking scene, and maybe it was the mix on my copy, but OMG, I get it, she probably did it for free, but lower the volume of the songs, we are here for the dialogue not your background music!!! And as for the reason I was there, the beer itself, while it was faithful enough to the real brewery in which it was shot, there didn't seem to be any real spark or beer love, just "we are a spunky local business that everyone loves". Like, give me some proper beer nerd love, like maybe even the cliche Hallmarkie montage scene where the ingredients of the beer are covered, or.... anything?

How Does It Snow? Other than some dirty real snow in the background, nuttin.