1-1-1: 2024 Hallmarkies before December, part 1... or, the nightmare has begun

In recent weeks, with work being really demanding and the post-election existential dread we all should be feeling (yet far too many are not), I needed comfort food, and Hallmarkies were one of the first places I turned.  It started with diving into Deck The Hallmark Podcast's preview episodes, making lists of films that actually sounded interesting to watch, and checking them twice.  I held off on watching any of them for as long as I could, and then the dam broke, and I watched all five of the following movies in under 24 hours. It was too much, too soon and my brain was simultaneously asking for more while screaming at me to stop.

The pop culture tourist that I am, I know I've had my time as a Hallmark junkie, and logically I don't want to return to that mode of watching 30 of these damn things over a 6 week time frame. But soon, soon we will have our revered Toast and Kent's X-Mas Advent Calendar where Toasty and I switch off days and recap an X-Mas holiday movie from December 1 to the 24th, and it's truly one of my favourite things to do each year.

Last year I tried to avoid Hallmarkies, this year, I think I'm going in pretty hot and heavy. But Hallmarkies truly ain't like they used to be. They've all but abandoned formulae and now they're much more reliant on higher concepts than "upscale working woman returns to small town home for the holidays only to find love" and sidestepping all the well trodded tropes. I kind of miss the tropes.

Let's get into it...

Hot Frosty (2024, d. Jerry Ciccoritti - Netflix)
Meet Me Next Christmas (2024, d. Rusty Cundieff - Netflix)
Trivia At St. Nicks (2024, d. Marlo Hunter  - Hallmark)
Santa Tell Me (2024, d. Ryan Landeis - Hallmark)
Jingle Bell Run (2024, d. Lucie Guest - Hallmark)

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Hot Frosty

The What 100: Widow Kathy (Lacey Chabert, Mean Girls) seems to be having a hard time of it since her husband's passing but when a magic scarf brings a hunky snowman (Dustin Milligan, Rutherford Falls) to life, she decides to give the handsome stranger a home. But before she found him, "Jack" caused a bit of a stir, and the bored and overzealous Sheriff (Craig Robinson, Killing It) will stop at nothing until he's behind bars. Jack's wide-eyed optimism, positivity and eagerness to help out quickly makes him a town favourite and the town, let by Kathy has to save him before he melts away in prison.

(1 Great) These Netflix Christmas movies, since they started dedicating resources to making them, have long "crossed over" with each other, usually by playing in the background on TV. Jack is a sponge and absorbs so much knowledge through TV, he becomes a pretty good chef, baker, and repairman. When Kathy walks in on him watching a Christmas movie, the 2022 Netflix Lindsay Lohan Xmas movie Falling For Christmas, to which Kathy states "she looks like a girl I went to high school with". Great timing on that gag.

(1 Good) Craig Robinson and Joe Lo Truglio, reuniting Brooklyn 99's Doug Judy and Detective Boyle. They're practically in a different movie, pretty much doing their own thing. Robinson's Sheriff Nathaniel Hunter is really, really into the pastiche of playing the cool cop with the one-liners, and his sunglasses game is so much fun. It's encroaching on lampoon territory but it really just seems like Sheriff Hunter is bored. So his right hand, Deputy Ed Schatz is his hype man, he keeps him going and enables his little routines. Like I said, they're sort of out in their own little world, and I wish the rest of the movie were as silly as they were.

(1 Bad) This film falls into the "born sexy yesterday" milieu (see also Splash or The Fifth Element, among others) and while Milligan commits to the bit of being a neophyte to living, reality and everything it entails, the role doesn't seem to be written with any particular sense of in-world logic to how Jack exists and develops in the world. It's all over the place and it drops him in weird situations. By the end of the second act he's working at the junior high school helping set up the Christmas semi-formal? It's like the writer couldn't get out of his Hallmark experience and write a real movie, instead relying upon small-scale, low budget tropes. I mean, Jack being chased by the police, as much as Robinson and Lo Truglio are the best part of the film, really interferes with the characters having much meaningful connection. Chabert, for her part, gets her role and nails it acting wise, but Kathy is a woman in pain and Jack helps ease that pain...but, pretty much with that 1 Great exception, she's not haha-funny and it brings the mood down. She can do the romance side in her sleep by now, but the comedy portion falls flat. But even the romance seems odd...with Kathy relationship with Jack seeming more maternal than romantic, and so when it makes that pivot to try to turn them into a couple, it falls real flat.

Meta: This movie, I've heard, started off as a goof, much like Kevin Smith's Tusk. It was just idle goofy chatter about a dumb story idea that the writer then was encouraged to actually write. And it seems like he wrote it in a day and a half. There's no care put into this world, or these characters. They're roughly hewn. I wish it committed either to being supremely silly/satirical, or it committed to the heart of it, where the lesson should have been Kathy learning to open up her heart even if it means more pain and loss.  There's absolutely something, many somethings to be done with the bones of this piece, but this wasn't the best way to go.

Also, filmed in Brockville, Ontario.

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Meet Me Next Christmas

The What 100: Layla gets snowed in at the Chicago airport at Christmas. She has a quick encounter with a nice, charming man at the premium lounge, but has a real deep connection moment with tall, broad, handsome and stylish James. After hours of intense chatter, and Layla introducing him to a capella group Pentatonix (who Layla sees perform at Christmas in New York every year), James need to catch his flight, but proposes that, should he and Layla be single next year at this time, they should meet at the Pentatonix concert. A year later, a week before Christmas Layla catches her boyfriend cheating on her. Her bestie says it's time to make good on all that talk about "Airport James", only the Pentatonix concert is totally sold out. So Layla consults a concierge agency where she's given Teddy, on his last chance to prove he can do the job, to help her find her ticket.

(1 Great) It seems like such the typical, dumb, Hallmark-style story that will find its leads on a substandard "one crazy day" quest through Winnipeg subbing in for New York, without really delivering on the adventure, the romance, or the Christmas. But with a Netflix budget, and a real director in Rusty Cundieff (Tales from the Hood), and big-timing it with Toronto subbing in for New York, it's a film that achieves "next level" Hallmarkie status. It looks great, it's got actual funny, not accidental or improvised humour,  and it pays off the story it's trying to tell... which is that Teddy is the real catch, here, not "Airport James". And when we get to the fireworks, oh boy is it hot.  The film builds well upon itself, of remembering its motivation (as silly as it is) as a vehicle for building a romance.

(1 Good) Christina Milian and Devale Ellis as Layla and Teddy. They're both attractive, cute people, but when I say this film builds, it builds in many different ways, and here, it builds Layla and Teddy out from being cute, to being gorgeous, to being sexy, and a lot of it is personality and character building. The second act ends with the couple at Teddy's mom's house, where flamboyant cousin Jordy (Kalen Allen, An American Pickle) becomes the couple's drill sargent for a lip syncing competition (that Jordy's been banned from). The only way the Teddy and Layla can even hope to compete against the fabulous drag queens is by making their performance real sultry, and boy howdy do they. The big finale, at the Pentatonix concert leads to big reveals of their super fine attire, and Teddy's suit is absolutely incredible (no leading man in a holiday romance has had a better costume reveal), only to be outstaged by Layla's awooga-inducing red dress that blows every off-the-rack Hallmark dress out of the water.

(1 Bad) Pentatonix. Not the band. They're actually characters in the film, and they're pretty self-effacing, playing arrogant, petulant celebrities who randomly bust into harmonies and seem bemused by Teddy's social media tweets about trying to find a ticket to their big sold-out show.  It's not their music, as much as a capella music makes my teeth hurt like a sinus cold or chewing tinfoil. No, it's their name. Their damn name is said so many damn times throughout this show, you couldn't even have a drinking game for it because you'd be dead from alcohol poisoning by the end. I don't ever want to hear their name said aloud again. No thank you.

Meta: I saw the facade for the big Pentatonix (augh!) concert at the Princess of Whales Theatre after work one day when I was walking in the area. I kind of knew what Pentatonix was, but I was wondering why the theatre was so decked out, in a way that it's not usually decked out all the many other times I walk by there.  Then I noticed the fake posters were proclaiming it was a Christmas concert, and this was, like, April? May? So I immediately knew it was for a Hallmarkie. So I had been keeping my eyes and ears out for this one. I always enjoy pointing out Toronto locales as it plays other places around the world. It delights me.

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Trivia At St. Nick's

The What 100: Celeste is an astronomy professor at a Vermont university. She's kind of a big dork, and her most cherished thing to do over the Christmas holidays is the 6-day trivia competition at St. Nick's. Her dream of having big brain handsome British math professor (who won Jeopardy) on her team (and maybe more) is dashed when he gets a thing in China or something. Who cares. She also hates the football department because they get all the attention and money. So wouldn't you know it, her only hope for a sixth for the trivia contest is Max, the new football coach who won the team some big championship. Wouldn't you know it, opposites attract, except, they're not all that opposite.

(1 Great) I liked that the romantic complication in this wasn't a misunderstanding, but instead Celeste's type-A personality coming out in the worst way. It's seemingly rare for these movies to show its female lead with having a real flaw in their character, and then to acknowledge that flaw and work exceptionally hard at atonement. And then to find that Max understood that her freakout wasn't directed at him seemed to present two characters who have some level of emotional maturity, which is sometimes rare for the lighter Hallmarkies.

(1 Good) I thought it was funny one of the trivia questions was about Hallmark Christmas Movies. And I knew some of the answers. 

(1 Bad) I hate that this film didn't commit to its bit. It didn't really care about the trivia competition at all. It never once tried to manufacture any tension or drama or excitement around the trivia challenge, it was always just backdrop. It so often would pose a question and then show the characters processing the question and smash cut to the gang's emotions following victory or defeat without actually showing the moment in between where the elating or deflating moment is revealed. A more competent film would build a whole world around the trivia competition and set the romance in the midst of that, as opposed to having a romance with the competition as framework.

Meta: I actually watched this thinking it was the next movie. You'll see why. Keep readin'!

FIlmed in Connecticut (then why not just make it a Connecticut-based University? Hallmarkies are bizarre.)

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Santa Tell Me

The What 100: Olivia is getting her big break on "the network" with her own interior design Christmas special, which will have it's big reveal aired live on Christmas Eve. But Liv's dreams are sort of dashed when a new producer/director, Chris, is brought on board and starts changing everything, including the home that's being redesigned. Chris, and the network, bought Liv's childhood home, and one night while visiting the old place with her sister, Liv finds a glowing envelope in the vent. Inside is her childhood letter to Santa asking for him to tell her the name of her one true love. Also in the envelope is a card, with words that magically appear and tell her...Nick. She balks and throws it away, but it keeps finding its way back to her. She then has a mix-up at the coffee shop where her order gets switch with a tall, good looking professional named Nick A. He gives her his number, as well as his coffee. A little flummoxed Liv exists the shop and immediately spills her drink on a broad, square-jawed hunky dude. She apologizes and gives him a sweater to wear over the stain. He plugs his number into her phone, cause he has to get the sweater back to her, right? His name, Nick B. Reeling from the double-Nick encounter, Liv steps into traffic, only to be rescued by another hunk, who very forwardly asks her out. His name: Nick C. Wowza.  As Liv dates the three Nick's, the Santa letter tells her she will have to make a decision by Christmas Eve or lose her true love forever, which stresses her out alongside the big reno/redesign, and Chris, whom she starts warming to...then really warming to as they actually get to know each other and misconceptions are laid to rest.  It all culminates in disaster but romance, of course. 

(1 Great) It's a super-fun plot. I really enjoyed the triple-dose of meet-cutes one right after another and how much fun they had in coming up with different ways to reveal their Nick A-B-C names.  And the big climax where the three nicks meet, and the dumb one, Nick C, says "we should have nicknames".

(1 Good) The "Christmas Magic" of the letter that keeps changing and putting more and more pressure upon Liv to make a decision (not to mention Liv's sister who is way into her weird predicament) added a flourish to this film that is missing from most holiday romances. Hallmarkies that have "Christmas Magic" will often forget about their magical device, or underplay it, but this one never loses that focus.

(1 Bad) I really wish this were a real romcom, with a really punched up comedy, as well as investing in Liv's dates with the Nicks more. She has multiple dates with each of them at the same restaurant? And in montage? Come on! (Although the host's facial expressions as she keeps coming back with her multiple dates is pretty funny... but could have been funnier if it were, say, Kenan Thompson or an experienced comedic actor).  I really would have loved the movie to invest in the Nicks as viable romantic candidates, but we know from the outset it's going to be Chris. I also would have loved the movie to care more about Liv's career, but it tries to make us believe Liv cares about her career, even though the movie truly doesn't. This, as a Hallmarkie, was good, but it could have been terrific.

Meta: Erin Krakow, who plays Liv, is a big time Hallmarkie leading lady. She's got pretty good acting and comedy chops, but she's also got a real soccer mom haircut here and I found it very, very distracting. She's not unattractive, but the soccer mom 'do really made me question that these four guys were really so immediately gaga over...her?

Filmed in Langley and Vancouver, B.C.

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Jingle Bell Run 

The What 100: Teacher Avery (Ashley Williams) lives a very low-key life. Too low key. She's mid-40's and single and never leaves town. So her sister signed her up for a Christmas-themed Amazing Race-like reality show, which she really didn't want to do but then thought she should. On the show, she's partnered up with arrogant he-bro ex-NHL superstar Wes (Andrew Walker) who is watching his celebrity status dip with each passing minute. As much as Avery seems like an angel on earth and can't be mad at anyone, Wes kind of gets under her skin.  And they need to work together on challenges across the country in order to win. As they get to know each other, Wes' edifice of doofy jock falls away and he reveals how scared he is moving on from playing hockey where he knew what his role in life was. Avery, meanwhile, finds her adventuresome spirit. And they make friends with their fellow contestants, and have silly adventures as they seem to fall in love. Only, Wes has been asked by the producer of the show to play up his attraction to Avery to make a better production and maybe reignite his stardom.

(1 Great) Fucking Ashley Williams and her big goddamn smile just melts me every time I see it. She does this thing when she smiles where you can see her tongue press between her teeth that's so damn adorable. She's a very talented actress with a broad range, but she excels at this sort of light comedy where she gets to be playful and lean into her exceptional charm.  She always delivers "Ashley Williams" in her performances, which are always welcoming even when the movies are bad. Just a sheer delight to watch on screen.

(1 Good) I liked watching Andrew Walker in doofy sports jock mode. It's just too bad he couldn't sustain that energy or that character. It was a humorous mode to be in but eventually that had to fall away so he could be "Hallmark leading man Andrew Walker" and make the housewives all swoony. Once the arrogance fell away, Wes started to be more competent, less doofy, and I get it, he needs to be an intellectual match for Avery for the pairing up to be believable at all, but I wish Walker could have found a happy medium. Walker's strong suit isn't comedy, though. He's not terrible at it, but it's not his top mode, and he seems to have a default setting he falls into with these productions. It was nice to see him try something new, even if it didn't last. 

(1 Bad) Like Trivia at St. Nick's, once again the production doesn't give a real shit about its conceit. The amazing race around the country is just the vehicle for the characters to get to know each other. There's no investment there, and just like those trivia scenes, it cuts from the characters competing in the challenges to their victory or loss without any tension or drama. It doesn't care about them at all. But then the challenges are, by and large, asenine, and show the constraints of a Hallmark budget. They seem like corporate retreat challenges and not something you would be travelling cross-country to partake in. 

Meta: Filmed in Vancouver.