3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Anaconda

2025, Tom Gormican (The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent) -- download

I love the premise of this movie. Adult fans of the original 1997 Anaconda movie (starring J Lo, Eric Stoltz, Ice Cube and Jon Voight) are living unfulfilled lives leeching off the fond memories of the home movies they made in their adolescent years. Failing actor Griff decides they need to all get back together and shoot their own spiritual successor to the '97 movie, telling his friends he has attained the rights. They go to the Amazon to make their low low low low budget movie only to encounter a real anaconda snake, thus giving us a meta reboot/sequel.

I recall loving the first movie, a cheesy self-aware monster movie. I don't recall seeing the three proper sequels, nor the crossover with Lake Placid. I definitely did not see the Chinese remake. This one interested me peripherally because I love meta stuff and the cast was solid. 

Alas...

Wasted talent. So much wasted talent. 

Yeah, so Griff (Paul Rudd, Antman) just got fired from the TV show he was guest starring in, having put waaay too much of himself into the role -- essentially the opening scenes of Wonder Man (stillll not writing about TV but that show was fucking great) -- and ends up back home in Small Town Somewhere, where everyone has shitty normal lives. Doug McAllister (Jack Black, King Kong) makes "wedding videos" while constantly trying to insert his filmatic flair into people's personal memories. His friend Kenny (Steve Zahn, Sahara) is a loser. Their friend Claire (Thandiwe Newton, Westworld) is a lawyer who just got divorced. And then Griff shows back up, desperate to reignite.... something, gathering them all together to look at the cheesey, ham-fisted home-movie action flicks they shot when they were kids.

The whole problem with this opening act is that only Zahn pulls off being small town -- everyone else are just too larger than life actors to be believable as the small-town schmoes. I mean, they are all more than capable actors able to play those roles, but this movie doesn't allow them. I mean, c'mon, who is going to believe Thandiwe Newton as a sadsack with a sad life, even if you ignore her entirely flat American accent. And Jack Black as the (mostly) Straight Guy?

So, Griff convinces them that he has the rights to Anaconda the original movie and convinces them to put together whatever money they all have and go to the Amazon to film a re-make, re-boot, sequel... something. They even arrange a proper "snake wrangler"... well, proper is a strong word but he has a snake. That is, until a startled Griff kills it. And it should be said that there a B-plot about Ana (Daniela Melchior, Road House), a local Brazilian woman on the run from some tough guys with guns who has convinced them she is their riverboat captain, AND an actual anaconda of monstrous proportions is eating said tough guys.

And, there is not much else worth recounting. The rest is a cheesey, ham-fisted attempt at comedy mixed up with fish-out-of-water mixed up with actual horror. There are some moments where the selling points of the script are there, for example, when this crew runs across an actual crew filming an actual reboot to Anaconda but they, in turn, are eaten by Big Snake. And Ice Cube shows up to mirror his original role while playing himself. All fine & dandy ideas, as if the original script of the movie was full of serviceable ideas which were just ... wasted. Not enough precision to make it funny, not enough skill to juxtapose actual horror with insightful silliness. And only one, truly, absolutely ludicrous scene involving Jack Black with a "dead" pig strapped to his head, which had me giggling uncontrollably and then... sigh, back to bored. It was the sheer stupidity of that scene that had me laughing. And not much else.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Superman

2025, James Gunn (Super) -- download

Well, I freaking loved that.

Like Kent, I wanted more, but unlike Kent I was not disappointed nor dissatisfied with what I got. After all, I was never a discerning Superman fan, and I was most definitely not a great fan of the Christopher Reeves movies, maybe just hints of childhood nostalgia. I was conversely  hugely disappointed with Man of Steel (wow, actually, only, three paragraphs) and therefore, not surprised I liked this movie more than any other previous cinematic version. It was already assumed, as a fan of Gunn, I would automatically like it, but.... wow, I really loved it. I had so much fun, I grinned during so many scenes, even the eye-rolling comic booky ones.

So, having not seen this in the cinema, and having already asked Kent (F2F) to go out of bounds from his post, I was going in with more or less a tempered expectation. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about being dropped into an existing superhero world, one where we get zero explainer. Its not like I am unfamiliar with the Superman world, but considering Mr. Terrific takes majorly front seat in this movie, and I have a barely passing knowledge of him, I was wondering if I might be feeling overwhelmed. 

Nope. It all worked.

The movie begins with Superman's (David Corenswet, Twisters) first defeat of his career, being battered bloody by The Hammer of Boravia, the metahuman response to Superman's interference in the affairs of Boravia, after she tried to invade the lesser developed Jarhanpur. I am assuming a single punch sent him half way round the world to smash into the snows. Supes whistles for his dog and Krypto comes running, little red cape and all. Krypto is not a Good Dog -- he bounces on the injured Superman probably cracking a few ribs, before the barely conscious man convinces the dog to take him home. Home is the Fortress of Solitude which rises from the snow & ice of Antarctica, where Superman is welcomed by his robots, little capes and all. The robots help him heal by the light of the yellow sun.

Of course, Alan Tudyk voices one of the robots.

The Hammer flies into a trans-dimensional portal, which leads him to Lex Luthor's lair, because, of course, Luthor (Nicholous Hoult, Nosferatu) is behind this. Also, Luthor's henchmen, The Engineer (Angela Sarafyan, G20), tries to follow Superman into the Fortress, just as it is swallowed up by the ice again. How vexing for Lex!

All healed up, Superman flies back to Metropolis, where we meet the Daily Planet and Lois (Rachel Brosnahan, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel), and he puts on the glasses to become Clark Kent, the man nobody ever recognizes as Superman, and also the reporter who always seems to have a Superman interview, and also.... whoah, didn't see that coming, Lois's boyfriend. She knows he is Superman. She also is rather hard on the poor fellow about his political interventions, playing more than just a Devil's Advocate against what he saw as just Doing the Right Thing. Clark / Superman is more than a little annoyed she doesn't see it that way. They almost break up.

Hmmm. This is the age old commentary on superhero antics -- what gives these super powered yahoos the right to stick their nose into human affairs? Sure, everyone appreciates them stopping super villains, and evil alien invasions, and giant monster attacks, but when they interrupt purely human on human political agendas, is that crossing a line? There are some whiffs of Gunn's making political commentary here, without the movie actually saying anything concrete -- but someone has to stand up for What is Right.

There are also whiffs of social media and bot / troll generated outrage against Superman and his woke agenda.

Next, KAIJU FIGHT ! Lex needs Superman distracted so he tosses a lil cootie patootie creature into Metropolis which, just add water, becomes a colossal monster. That allows The Engineer (Angela) and Lex, and the mysterious Ultraman (who was also pretending to be The Hammer of Boravia) to break into The Fortress of Solitude, make quick work of the robots, take down Krypto (they hurt the puppy?!?!?!) and hack Superman's crystal computer, capturing an incomplete message from Kal-El's Dad Jor-El (Bradley Cooper, The A-Team). That can't be good. Back in Metropolis, Superman battles the kaiju with the help of a trio of other superheroes, officially unnamed but monikered by Green Lantern (the douchey version, aka Guy Gardner; Nathan Fillion, The Rookie) as "The Justice Gang". While Superman saves people, dogs and squirrels from being crushed by falling buildings and monster feet, he wants to stop the creature without killing it. But the Gang is more practical, much to his consternation, and they kill it. 

I wonder where they store dead kaiju, and whether Hannibal Chau helps.

So, not a political agenda based battle, and he saved squirrels, so should be an easy win on social media, no? No. Lex has translated Jor-El's lost message and (yoink; pull at collar uncomfortably) apparently Krypton Wanted Earth Women. Yeah, they may have tasked The Last Son of Krypton to come to Earth and be a shining example to the measly human beings, but part of that "shining example" was taking over and having a harem. Lex's real superpower, that of completely mastering negative publicity, takes over the hearts & minds of Metropolis, just like that scene in Spider-Man: No Way Home where someone splashes green paint all over Peter. Its an unrealistic turn of events, and yet given the world we currently (mid-2025 folks) live in, where people are accepting utter ridiculous, downright evil, situations as normal, its not entirely implausible. 

Things go from bad to worse (I just read that Elmore Leonard demands you never use that phrase; I suspect he would cringe at most of my idiom laden writing), when Supes turns himself into the US Govt and they hand him over to Luthor for incarceration, who just happens to have a pocket dimension populated with anyone who has annoyed him: ex-girlfriends, ex-employees, meta-humans he couldn't control and failed experiments. Its like the storage facility from The Cabin in the Woods but morally worse; fewer literal monsters. Clark is controlled by Metamorpho (Anthony Carrigan, Barry), a meta-human who can assume the shape of any material, including Kryptonite. In turn, Metamorpho is compelled because they have his infant son. To drive home the point of Superman's helplessness, Lex murders one of his most avid admirers, an average Joe named Malik Ali (Dinesh Thyagarajan, Good Egg), in front of him. That cements it for Metamorpho and he engineers Superman's escape. Meanwhile, on the other side of the dimensional portal Lois has convinced Mr. Terrific (Edi Gathegi, Twilight) to help and they appear just in time to help the heavily weakened, but by no means down for the count, Superman.

OK, you are pushing the envelope now, on cliches, and [DAMMIT] you've got me doing it.

Terrific Lois ("DC Comics Presents") takes the slowly recovering Superman to his parents. Not his birth parents, obviously, but the Salt of the Earth adoptive parents: Martha & Jonathan Kent in rural Smallville, Kansas. These are the people who raised him, who imbued upon him a sense of right & wrong, who gave him his moral compass and established what he should do with his powers. But Pa Kent (aka Mush) reminds Clark that it was not his birth parents' message, not even their upbringing that made him what he is, but it was his choices. He chose to become a red & blue suited superhero who goes out every day to save people.

We love these Kents. No "Man of Steel" tragedy, no difficult choices, just a couple of down to earth loving, supportive people. But then again, we are biased in favour of Kents.

So, Superman has escaped and Lex is incensed, utterly enraged, and decides his best course of action is to sacrifice Metropolis by allowing his dimensional rift to start tearing the city in half. Even his cadre of loyal henchmen (who ARE these fucks anywayz; how can so many people be so complicit.... <looks southward> ... nevermind) are not convinced this is a good idea, as an unfettered dimensional rift will eventually want to eat up the entire city, planet, solar system, etc. But Lex knows that this will draw back Superman from where ever he is hiding. And probably because he just likes doing evil shit.

I am realizing, that I might be out of practice in doing these long winded, entirely unnecessary recaps, as its just not capture the "fun" of the movie. For example, no mention of Metamorpho becoming an acid, splashing the Raptors and presumably killing them. Great scene! Also, the social media troll monkeys. THE MONKEYS EXPLAIN OUR WORLD !!!

Meanwhile Eve (Sara Sampaio, Wife Like), Luthor's current vacuous social media obsessed girlfriend, is secretly in love with Jimmy Olsen ([!?!??!] Skyler Gisondo, Santa Clarita Diet) and willing to provide him evidence against Lex as long as they can hang all weekend. Alas, all the dirt that Lois requires for a pro-Superman anti-Lex story is behind the scenes in Eve's endless stream of selfies. I am not convinced telling the world some rather simplistic "Lex wants to run a country" fact would turn the tide of public support, considering his army of monkeys at keyboards.

While Superman punches it out with Ultraman, before tossing the clone of himself (!!!) into a black hole and flying back to Lex Corps to actually close the rift, the Justice Gang head to the Boravian border to deal with the once-again-invading army. Apparently the moral quandary of interfering with other country's affairs doesn't apply to them, but they probably don't care, and the world doesn't care as they are non-alien vigilantes. And murderers; Hawkgirl (Isabela Merced, The Last of Us) just drops the Boravian Prime Minister Ghurkos (Zlatko Buric, 2012) from a great height. More Gang than Justice. Metropolis is saved, Jarhanpur is saved, Superman's reputation is restored and Lex is arrested. Oh, and his prison is emptied. We end off the movie with a cameo from a drunken Supergirl.

I agree with Kent; there is sooooo much in this movie, it is almost overstuffed, but by taking the four-colour stripped down behavioural approach, Gunn has made the movie so utterly rollicking that you don't care if things don't always make entire sense. But even as he stuffs the movie to bursting with Big Details, he still has so many fun little details, like Malik Ali helping Superman out of a hole, or Superman saving a squirrel, or how he catches a falling building with his hands (it should just collapse around him, unless he spreads his gravitic flying power across the building's entire surface), or even utter mundane things like Lois parked in the roundabout outside the massive sprawling, and seemingly mostly empty Hall of Justice. I just enjoyed so much about the movie.

I think I need to go back for a rewatch already.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

2024, Wes Ball (The Maze Runner) -- cinema

I am only now, almost a week later, realizing I don't have much to say about this movie beyond, "It was alright." I am not invested in these monkey movies, like Kent is. I guess my post about the previous one was eaten by That Year, but if i am honest, I barely recall it. All I remember is that it was supposed to bring the Caesar story to a close. But we still haven't reached a stage in this version of the franchise where an astronaut shows up confused as to why apes are riding horses and shooting guns, so at least one more series was required?

But a romp with Kent is more than a good excuse to see a movie in the cinema.

In watching the movie, it was an entirely enjoyable affair. It looks spectacular. The overgrown ruins of the city are entirely my po-ap jam. But if I think about the reaction I had past the moment, it all falls apart for me. It ends up striking me as a movie by assignment, lacking any true motivation beyond purple suits saying, "We have to kick off a new series in the franchise -- here are some notes on what to include. Go write a script and find a director able to handle 99% CG."

The movie picks up "generations later" -- as Kent pointed out, ape generations are probably shorter lived than human generations, so in theory even young humans could remember a world with technology and where they ruled? That doesn't really matter, as the movie is willing to dance all along the possible timeline to retain the rule of cool.

Anywayz, years later, we have an chimp community focused on the raising of eagles. Noa (Owen Teague, The Stand), Soona (Lydia Peckham, Cowboy Bebop) and Anaya (Travis Jeffrey, Before Dawn) are three coming-of-age chimps who climb the vine covered ruins to attain eggs, to bring back to Noa's father, the master of eagles. Insert the challenges of living up to an important father's expectations. But an "echo" is following them, a human from the forbidden valley beyond, and she cracks Noa's egg. He has no choice but to head back to the ruins for another egg, but as he travels he comes across outsider apes, riding horses, baring electrical weapons. They are hunting the human Noa bumped into. He rushes back to his village, finds it in flames, his people taken captive. He is unable to save anyone and his father dies.

Noa's Hero Journey is to find and free his people. Along the way he connects with Raka (Peter Macon, The Orville), a monk-like Orang who preaches the legacy of Caesar, in that apes together are stronger, and ape shall not kill ape. He is a compassionate ape and possibly the best depiction via motion capture and voice acting -- so naturally he is killed off. But not before they find out that the human they were pursuing / being pursued by is May (Freya Allen, The Witcher), an intelligent, speaking human (remember, the virus that uplifted the apes, also stole away human voices and other aspects of higher thinking) who despite her stinky, scruffy nature wears well tailored, nicely fitted, manufactured clothing.

Noa's village was captured by Proximus (Caesar) (Kevin Durand, The Strain) a ruthless leader who feels a need to bring all other ape communities into his Kingdom, by force if necessary. He also needs to get into the sealed military bunker, where we know there must be tanks, and guns, and much much worse. May is actually there to get into it as well, but for .... something else. Noa and May both know that Proximus cannot attain the weapons within or their entire worlds will change. So, she goes from being scruffy, hunted girl to resourceful action girl in the blink of an eye. With the help of Noa and his friends, they break into the vault, get what she wants, open the doors and flood the place and defeat a very angry Proximus.

Are we supposed to root for the humans? For May and her people who trying to Get Back On Top? And for apes, as long as they are peaceful and have no worries about the humans scrambling to get back ownership of the planet? May is duplicitous, she manipulates Noa to get what she came for, and is ready to shoot him down, should she need to. If anything, at least its a complicated character in a not very complicated movie.

I told Kent I felt like this was an episode, a required entry to setup other movies, which I assume they also want to be bigger in scope, more bombastic, more violent, more confrontational. And again, I have to say that despite all my misgivings as I write this, I did enjoy watching the movie and in some ways, isn't that the whole point?

Kids In The Hall (Season 6?)

 2022, 8 episodes - Amazon Prime

Toasty and I were out at a movie together the other day (!!!) and some food and drinks too, and of course we brought up what this here blog is about.  For me, it's a place to get my thoughts and feelings about movies down, and yet, it's also an exercise in form.  Toasty talked about how he liked to preamble, occasionally spending more time writing about things around the movie/tv show, or even completely disconnected from it...it is a blog afterall.  My exercises tend to lean more formal reviewing, except when it's time to get nerdy.  Usually it's comic-book-based properties, but on occasion, it's comedy.  It's about to get comnerdy in here.  

The Kids in the Hall is my all-time favourite sketch show and one of my all-time favourite shows, period.  Amidst a lot of other great ones out there -- obviously Python, Mr. Show, Key & Peele, Kroll Show, many others -- The Kids in the Hall spoke to me - and continues to resonate with me - like little else did.  It was counter-culture, it was rebellious, it was edgy, it was weird, it was gay, it was violent, it was gross, it was shocking, it was goofy, it was clever...and it was Canadian.  Maybe most of all it was Canadian.  We've had top notch comedy before, SCTV, at the forefront, but it was nothing like this.

It's been almost 30 years since the Kids in the Hall TV show ended, and while there was a movie and a serialized mini-series, and live stage shows, I just never thought I'd see another sketch show.  So when I heard Amazon were bringing them back, well, I was nervous.  Comedic performers don't often age well.  The common thing is with success the comedic performers lose touch with the everyday, their frame of reference changes with the different lives they lead being famous, or semi-famous, or infamous.  And, ageing can make people more conservative.  You hate to see it but, well, look up what John Cleese and Terry Gilliam are saying these days...better yet, don't.

When older comedians try to return, there's often a sense of desperation to the comedy, a need to earn the laughs whatever which way they can, and we see this in the first episode of this new series (or Season 6, I suppose) where Dave Foley and Kevin McDonald, playing pothead robbers, decide that the police will be on the lookout for people with clothes, so they doff their outfits and emerge from their vehicle fully exposed.  The cops then put them through rigours, jumping up and down, flopping around.  The question that came into my head, immediately, was "Is this funny, or is it desperate?"  The answer would only be revealed by seeing how the rest of the series went.  If the rest of the series was funny, then the nudity is funny.  If the rest of the series is choking, on life support, a quintet of late 50-somethings/early 60-somethings just hanging on trying to play a young man's game, then the nudity is a sad gesture of desperate men who don't know what comedy even is anymore.

I have a brief-ish episode-by-episode breakdown below, but ultimately the show largely skews funny, though there are a lot of rocky bits amidst plenty of gems (but then, there always were some rocky bits).  The Kids had created a great many recurring characters throughout their prior 5-years on television and a lot of those characters turn back up in this new series/season.  For me, too many of those characters turned up, and yet, with a bit of contemplation most of these characters were used judiciously and meaningfully.  I was worried they would be a bit of a crutch, shorthand to an easy laugh, and there is some of that, but I'm reminded that in the original series the same thing would happen, where a recurring character would pop up briefly in a sketch, one that wasn't built around them, or that they would emerge partway through a sketch taking it over.  I guess it seems more egregious here since it seems to happen with more frequency than in did in the original series

Back in the day, the theme song ("Having an Average Weekend") and interlude music by Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet became an obsession, and has been a source of bonding between me and more than one friend.  It would be easy to undervalue the importance of Shadowy Men on the impact of KitH except I don't think anyone does.  I believe fans of the show are acutely aware of just how key the musical trio (Brian Connolly, Don Pyle, and bassists Reed Diamond and Dallas Good, both sadly RIP) are to the mood of the show.  It's something that made the live tours feel a little less-than, with The Odds' Craig Northey providing new music.  The same could be said for the 1996 feature Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy or the 2010 mini-series Death Comes to Town, in which Northey provided the musics (I get the vapours just thinking about what Shadow Men soundtracks to those would have been).  At this stage Northey is nearly as tied to KitH as Shadowy Men are.  So Shadowy Men are back, providing a new rendition of the theme (even appearing in the credits this time) and some new interlude music.  But, Northey is also back, providing score music to sketches and working on any new in-sketch music required.  The Shadowy Men stuff literally takes me away mentally, transports me to a whole other time and place.

What's missing, desperately though, is the live studio audience.  I've been doing a rewatch of the original KitH series and what I find amazing is how much a part of the show the live studio audience reaction to both the stage and production sketches is part of my experience of the show.  Some of the laughs or groans or nervous chuckles are as much a part of the show as the jokes or music.  Because this season/series was shot amidst the pandemic, there's no live sketches.  I'm not sure if they would have planned any to be (some sketches were honed on tour over the past decade or so), but the show often doesn't feel quite right, and I've pretty much pinned down the lack of audience and live sketches to be the cause.

There are other things, like the sketches can be too polished, or the camerawork and/or editing of some sketches doesn't quite follow the comedy well, but in the strongest of sketches this season/series everything clicks.  There are sketches here that easily feel like KitH of old, like they could have been tacked onto the end of Season 5.  

What I also find interesting is how the guys have aged into some of the characters they play, like Bruce and Scott as Gordon and Fran now seem completely age appropriate, or Dave as the balding, obese boss at A.T. & Love.  But with the added years, wrinkles and weight, the guys make it much more difficult to buy into them playing young men, and women. [Here, I was about to delve into gender binary constructs, but have decided against it.]  There's certainly a commentary to be made about what it means for these men to be performing in drag at this age, and what it might mean for non-binary individuals and representation, but I'm not at all the right person for that side of the intellectual discussion.  There's also maybe a case to be made against them continuing to perform in drag at all, but much like the original show, their character work here always elevates every female character they play above just the gut reaction of man-in-dress.  That is never the joke, and never has been.  

If there's an MVP of the season, it's easily Kevin.  In the final four episodes, he puts some of his best-ever comedic character performances.  Kevin has always been my favourite Kid in the Hall, but then I always love an underdog.  Kevin's career post-KitH has been the least shiny, but here he seems to be the one who has retained his comedic sensibility the strongest, and seems the most eager to show it off.

Lets get to the episode recaps:

Episode 1: This starts with a self-referential bit tying Brain Candy into the KitH pantheon and bringing Don (Mark) and Marv (Dave) from the movie as sort of the framing sequence for the entire series.  Mark gets to bring out his Lorne Michaels impersonation again, and I enjoy these bits.
Best Sketch: "60 on the pole" is the big ensemble sketch where all 5 guys get in on the action. After the robbery sketch I was worried that this would be all of them getting naked, being 60-year-old strippers, but it's just charming.  
Worst Sketch: "The Last Fax" was my big fear for this series, overdependent on old recurring characters (Cathy and Kathy) without much new to say with them, and ending with a punchline dragging in other recurring characters.  It's not horrible, but it felt like fan service.
What of The Rest: Paul Bellini returns to dig the KitH up out of their mass grave. Dave asks, "Am I still the cute one?"  The upscale kitchen crew from the "Dipping Areas" sketch return (for the first of two) in "Foodie's Tarts" where a tart being mistaken for a pie is so gauche. It's a solid reprise but, doesn't work in continuity with the second sketch featuring these characters in Ep 8.
Rating (out of 5 KitH): One Mark, One Dave, Half a Scott

Episode 2: All my fears for this series that the first episode didn't dispell at all were washed away with a classic KitH-style absurd sketch opening the show...the best of the episode...
Best Sketch: "Speed Racer" in which Bruce has an armchair with a lawnmower engine which he drives to a gathering of vintage muscle cars. He gets into a Fast and Furious style pink slip race, which he promptly and comically loses. "I miss my wife" he mutters under his breath.
Worst Sketch: "The Last Gloryhole" is a buddy-centric sketch which should have been gold but for all it's little absurdities it never really comes together.
What of The Rest: speaking of "comes together" the final sketch is a business zoom call sketch which I'm utterly exhausted with from a comedy standpoint after 2 years...but it is important to go over the "Masturbation Policy".  It's funny, but doesn't really feel like KitH.  "Imaginary Girlfriend", in which Dave and Kevin fight over an imaginary woman is fun but seems to be missing something. "Drop Average" parts 1 & 2 are pretty great, classic KitH inappropriateness.
Rating (out of 5 KitH): One Bruce, Two Daves, Half a Kevin 

Episode 3: KitH's framing sequences in the original series had some real classics, like the "It's a Fact" girl, 30 Helens, M. Piedlourde and so many more.  Here we add Doomsday DJ to the mix and it's amazing, perfectly shot, and you'll never hear the song "Brand New Key" the same again.
Best Sketch: "Danny's New Shoes" finds Scott's Danny Husk getting into some trouble for cultural appropriation, the Kids' non-judgemental take on modern civility.  It's funny without punching down on anyone.  It's the first classically-styled KitH sketch to feel contemporary.
Worst Sketch: "Shakespeare's Bust" in which Kevin's bust of Shakespeare comes to life after a wish for better company, only for horrifying things to happen. A lot of horrific grossness on top of enjoyable absurdity but a sketch seemingly without instigation.
What of The Rest: "Gut Spigot" is adapted from the stage show into a production piece. I think it would have played better in front of a live studio audience (nice to see Brandon Ash-Mohammad). "Ambumdlance" builds pretty nicely into a classic solid KitH sketch, and gets a callback later in the season.
Rating (out of 5 KitH): One Dave, One Scott, One Mark

Episode 4: As great as "Doomsday DJ" was a framing device, "Super Drunk" is the exact opposite but mainly because it's lame Adam West Batman parody with Bruce being a drunk superhero.  The awfulness is mostly in the name "Super Drunk", but using West Batman as the superhero parody reference just seems hack. 
Best Sketch: "Patrol" is a classic KitH production sketch that speaks to how in some older men, patrolling their neighbourhood becomes some sort of calling.  It could have come right out of the old show. 
Worst Sketch: As much as I disliked the "Super Drunk" sketches, they put some good effort into it.  The "Hotel La Rut" sketch, featuring the return of Mark and Scott's french prostitutes, stuck on a couch in quarantine, having run out of bon bons and too lazy to get up, just feels limp.  It would have worked on stage much better, not as a production piece,
What of The Rest: "Super Drunk" takes up so much time that all that's left is "Antique" in which Dave's character tries to sell an antique videocassette to Kevin's character of a classic Kevin McDonald sketch only to realize that he's now in a Kevin McDonald sketch. Humorous but doesn't know how to exit.
Rating (out of 5 KitH): One and a half Marks, half a Kevin

Episode 5: coming out of the weakest episode, the Kids rebound with an episode full of straight up the middle solid sketches which feels comfortably like just another episode of Kids in the Hall which I think is what I'd been waiting for.
Best Sketch: "Surprise"... in which Kevin's new cats are out to murder him. Feels vintage, but is brand new. 
Worst Sketch: "Assassin" is really well shot, and Mark does all the heavy lifting in dual roles, but it ends on a poop sight gag which, no thanks.
What of The Rest: The "Couple's Counseling" framing sequence of Francesca Feore and Bruno Ponce-Jones is the best character revival in the series.  The skits featuring these two never fail to be entertaining and they add Kevin into the mix to watch the fireworks. "We're Having A Baby" perhaps gets too meta at the end but if they're going to do sketches using old recurring characters this is kind of a good way to do it.  Rating (out of 5 KitH): One and a half Kevins, One Dave, One Scott

Episode 6: At this point KitH seem completely in the groove and we get pretty much all highs and *almost* no lows, and a few transcendent pieces.  The framing sequence brings Fran (Scott) and Gordon (Bruce) back as for their anniversary Gordon wants to carry Fran over the threshhold.  "I really wanna see this happen" a paramedic says after Gordon's refuses treatment from his first heart attack and pursues attempting lifting Fran up with dogged determinism.
Best Sketch: In "Bananas" Jake (Scott) has bananas arranged mysteriously on his windowsill.  Phil (Kevin) hangs back after Jake's party ends and starts grilling Jake on what exactly he's doing with the bananas. It's a weird sketch, we get one of Kevin's classic weirdos calling Scott out for being a weirdo.  Kevin just explodes, perhaps as confident as he's ever been in a sketch.
Worst Sketch: "Friends of Kids in the Hall: Michael" in which "Michael" (Fred Armisen) talks about loving the Kids in the Hall. Every episode has one of these "Friends of Kids in the Hall" bits where a celebrity comedian talks about loving the Kids in the Hall (mostly SNL vets like Pete Davidson, Keenan Thompson and Will Forte).  They're sort of a love letter but wholly unnecessary to the show.  They're actually the worst thing in every episode, if only because they're not KitH.  This episode just doesn't have a worst sketch.
What of The Rest: "Flags of Mark" is runner up for best sketch, a delightful Guy Madden-esque slice of egotistical weirdness from McKinney, all about how much he loves it when people love him.  Don and Marv return, and in "The Baby", Dave and Kevin don't like their friend's baby, plus a brief interlude with Mark and Bruce's cops.
Rating (out of 5 KitH): Two Kevins, Two Marks, One Dave, One Bruce, One Scott (yep 7 out of 5)

Episode 7: The framing sequence is "Taddli", a parody of 90's style kids show "cool guys" who try to teach the kids about avoiding bad things.  Mark straddles the line of "Taddli" being a parody and something utterly horrifying, but the real joke is that he's really just as benevolent as he seems.
Best Sketch: "Luke Warm". Best sketch of the series. Kevin McDonald's best sketch ever, maybe. I've been saying "I wanted it hot-hot, but it was luke warm" in as close a KevMcD impersonation as I can get for days, and it just makes me giggle so.  Great guest appearance from Eddy Izzard, and the ending of the sketch is just so heartwarmingly weird and delightful.
Worst Sketch: "Friends of Kids in the Hall: Laraine" - Samantha Bee talks loving KitH. Unnecessary but harmless.
What of The Rest: I don't know that we needed a sequel sketch to "The Eradicator" but we get one, and it's pretty fun.  It's a character who never got a reprise thus never wore out their welcome.  "The Professor" in which Mark and Kevin's gay characters try to help mend Scott and Dave's fraying relationship... and Dave pulls double duty as a Swedish sexpot...what a delight.  Would have been top sketch, if not for Kevin's megaton performance in "Luke Warm"
Rating (out of 5 KitH): Five Kevins, Two Daves, Two Marks, One Scott, One Bruce (yeah, an 11 out of 5, this is an all-timer best ep of KitH)

Episode 8: coming out of two top tier Kids in the Hall episodes, this opens with a Bruce McCulloch musical number, something I would always look forward to....but... 
Worst Sketch: "I'm Not Crazy, I Just Lost My Glasses" is really bad. Everything about it just doesn't work.  Whatever tune Bruce is trying to conjure up never manifests.  The music is clearly Northey and does nothing for me.  The comedic hook is the equivalent of when your dad forwards an email full of "funny things" that's been passed around between thousands of Boomers.  Yuck.  Sorry Bruce.
Best Sketch: Thankfully the episode recovers handily. The gorgeously produced (and wardrobed and make-upped) "My Card" -- in which 19th century upper-crust facial hair arrangement delights Mark's mustachioed character to the point of exchanging personal cards with them, only for his cards to keep winding up at crime scenes -- escalates beautifully.  Sheer delight
What of The Rest: Kevin delivers another brilliant performances in "Much too much" as he derides his wife (Dave) for banal things such as the gate sticking and, you know, leaving him for another man (Scott, as a 56-year-old lifeguard). The final skit finds the gang, as themselves (except Mark who is playing "whatever character Mark is playing"), trying to figure out what is appealing and funny to GenZ, coming to the conclusion that it's "Cliffhanger".  The upscale restaurateurs from "Dipping Areas" are back again, oblivious to the events of  "Foodie's Tarts", this time debating the validity of the sign posted stating "Must Wash Hair Before Pooping". 
Rating (out of 5 KitH): 2 Kevins, 1 1/2 Marks, 1/2 a Scott

---

By the end of episode 8, it feels like the KitH are just starting to run on all cylinders.  Hopefully they keep adding fuel to that fire and doing the work for more, because they did manage to get their groove back.

31 Days of Halloween: Halloween Kills

2021, David Gordon Green (Manglehorn) -- Download

The last version of Halloween, also by Gordon Green, was both a reboot and sequel, a sequel to replace all that came after the original first movie. We watched it two years ago and I really loved it. I lauded this reboot as not straying into the lunacy of the sequels and other remakes; alas I cannot say the same about this sequel.

I felt I should have rewatched the aforementioned reboot, as it picks up IMMEDIATELY after it. I pretty much forgot everything with the kids of that movie, and only recall that Laurie Strode had gone all prepper, building her entire house into a trap, for Michael's inevitable return. And she succeeded. She trapped him. He was burning up inside the ruins of the house. That is, until the fire department shows up. Why did she think Michael was that easy to kill, if she had waited 40 years for him to return to kill her?

So, yeah Michael breaks out of the burning house and goes all Rambo on the fire fighters. It is utterly gruesome and ultra-violent. Laurie is taken the hospital not knowing what just happened behind her, but soon the entire town knows, including a number of survivors of Michael's original killing spree in the 70s, who are all grown up. This is where the plot goes kind of wackadoodle.

Sure, the flick really still does a great job of retaining the mood and fear inherent to this franchise. Michael is a fucking scary killing machine. He is the epitome of the unstoppable unkillable killing machines of all other movies. Its not overtly supernatural, but it has to be ... something. Nobody just goes through what he does and walks away. And yet he does.

Alas the fear is not the prevalent element of this sequel, but more the mob mentality of reacting to him. The townsfolk are only lacking pitchforks and torches, and while I commend the side reference to Frankenstein, it really didn't work here, especially when they start using a catch phrase.

There are some fun references to the previous version of the sequel, where they focus on things that Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasance via deep faking) tried to do -- he knew that Michael was Evil Incarnate, and should be destroyed. But those are not enough to draw this movie out of the lunacy that are inherent in everything that came after John Carpenter's original classic.

The Suicide Squad

 2021, James Gunn (Super) -- download

Apparently, I disliked the original Suicide Squad less than I remembered. But I was fully onboard with loving the new movie before I saw it, being a James Gunn fan and really, truly enjoying all the social media savvy promotional material Gunn was helming. All the cast and crew seemed to loved doing the movie and it came across in all this mid-pandemic level hype generation: video shorts, great posters, behind-the-scenes shots, Zoom calls, etc. I rarely "buy into the hype" but Gunn's general congeniality and the good will coming from the cast won me over; he has learned a LOT since getting kicked off Marvel, and being brought back again.

This movie doesn't care that it had a predecessor. This movie doesn't even care it is part of the "DC Cinematic Universe". I am not sure this movie cares that it is a superhero movie. Gunn has done an eminent job of creating a stand-alone, independent movie which doesn't dismiss its connections but doesn't rely on them. Rick Flag is back, Harley Quinn is back, Hell even Boomerang is back, as he survived the first movie. But the new introductions to the team(s) are all over the map in style and colour, and all work so very fucking well.

A Catch Up for those who weren't there first time round or not in the DC loop. There is a prison in the DC world - Belle Reve. It holds many of the worst "metahumans" or super-villains. They mix the useless, gimmicky no-power villains in with the powered ones, and even the fucking scary ones such as King Shark. Amanda Waller runs the place, and she runs Task Force X out of the prison, where she offers prisoners reduced sentences in return for completing dangerous black-book missions -- the kind you wouldn't expect superheroes to complete but are considered necessary to the safety of the good ol US of A. Despite not really being expected to survive said missions, each villain has a bomb placed in their head, should they go off-mission. I doubt many of the villains are given a real choice whether to join the teams.

Everything after this is heavy on the spoilers.

This movie begins with a new cast of villains, only Harley and Boomer being familiar, and Flag again along to lead. The rest of the second or third or even fourth rate DC villains including Javelin (Boomer throws boomerangs, Javelin throws...), Mongal, Blackguard, TDK, Weasel, etc, You are not expected to know any of them. They don't last long. The utterly gleeful and brutal opening sequence kills them all off except Harley and Rick. But its a fake out, as the rest of the cast that we knew from all the movie promos is on another beach doing the real mission. This gave us the opportunity to see a suicide squad totally go on a suicide mission, being Waller's plan all along. Kill off one team, to distract the enemy forces from the real team. It works.

The real team includes: Bloodsport (Idris Elba, The Wire) a weapons & combat master know for putting Superman in the hospital, Peacemaker - another weapons & combat expert who seeks peace at any cost, Ratcatcher 2 - daughter of Ratcatcher who controls rats, Polka Dot Man - who (yep) throws polka dots at people, and King Shark - humanoid shark monster man with the mind of a child. Eventually they are joined by Flag and Harley who survive the beach assault. They are all there to take down the government of a tropical island off the coast of South America who deposed the previous regime. But something else is going on. Something big, something starfishy.

This post comes after a second viewing, originally watching it on a 32" monitor jury rigged to a Bluetooth speaker jury rigged to my work laptop, because my TV had died. And despite my initial glee at all the promo, I was underwhelmed. But two minutes after the credits rolled, I reminded myself, I was also rather underwhelmed by the original Guardians of the Galaxy movie when I first saw it. In the context of the material, I find Gunn's presentation as just OK. But after repeated viewings, all that fades away and I am just left with what is meant to be enjoyed -- his utter brilliance at delivery. Every line, every scene, every character is so incredibly well crafted, and I know I will enjoy this movie more with each viewing.

I remember being challenged, during the first movie, by the fact that all the "heroes" were Bad Guys. They were not likeable characters let alone anyone worth rooting for. Not even Flag was much of a Good Guy. But in this one, Gunn does a brilliant job of presenting us a bevy of characters that might not be the most angelic, but there is a hint of something else there. 

Cleo, otherwise known as Ratcatcher 2 (she controls rats with a wand), is not really a villain to begin with, tossed into Belle Reve because she tried to rob a bank using rats as her gang, but the authorities saw them as weapons, and since that's not exactly normal... super-villain label. But she is not a bad person, and becomes the heart of the movie, maybe more than a but naïve (she hugs King Shark) but encouraging the squad to go beyond their original mission, to do Good, to actually become Super Heroes.

Bloodsport, while shouting to the ceiling about being a Bad Guy, seems to adopt to protecting and leading his crew pretty quickly. Cleo has faith in him. Pola Dot Man seems not so much a Bad Guy as a Crazy Guy. King Shark, well once you get beyond the idea that he likes to eat people, is just too "innocent" (is that the right word?) to be villainous. That leaves Peacemaker who, well, he is thoroughly a villain despite his statement that he is all about peace, is all about killing. We don't like him, despite being a team player for the most part. And then there's Harley, who merges with the team after a bit of an initial fumble. She's loco. She's murderous, but she's also going through a bit of an identity crisis because she broke up with The Joker. He might have encouraged her to not only be crazy, but also a wee bit homicidal. Separated from him she is just as crazy and violent, but under the guidance of Flag, who genuinely seems to like her (and vice versa), she seems to be easily led in the right direction. So, definitely much more likeable than the first cast.

So, once on the island, after a bit of a mix-up with some freedom fighters (utterly brutal violence, which still somehow draws out giggles) the squad sneaks into the capital city to infiltrate the Evil Base called Jotunheim. No, not Thor connections (wrong universe) but a nod at Nazis going to South America to continue evil experiments, and their obsession with Aryan mythos. Were Vikings even Aryan? No, but close enough for racists. This is accomplished via a nightclub scene and a brilliant Peter Capaldi as The Thinker, the villain working for the regime(s) on a most foul experiment deep inside the Nazi tower. Thinker is a coward so it doesn't take much to convince him to get them inside. Once inside, we see the horror of it all. And, well, more than a bit of glee.

OMG they brought in fucking Starro the Conqueror. What makes something like a Suicide Squad franchise so much fun is that not only can you mix in tons of the B to Z grade villains (Nathan Fillion's TDK is 'The Detachable Kid', someone who can remove his arms, sending them floating along to ... slap people) but you can also make use of the most wackiest villains. Starro is an alien starfish, which is wacky enough on its own, but he/it also takes over the minds of people it slaps extension starfish onto. This version of Starro has been captive inside Jotunheim for over 30 years, experimented on and cruelly tortured, most often at the expense of the people he is connected to via that slap-on-a-starfish aspect. Its rather horrific, and yet... wow.

Of course, because of the actions of our squad, Starro escapes. A fucking starfish kaiju to wreak havoc on this little island. And while Waller would have the squad move on, as their mission is complete, they have other plans. Heroism. Sacrifice. Betrayal. Gruesome ultra violence. Big fucking grin!!

There are just so many fun layers of this movie. It is exciting, it is action-packed, it is funny, it is dark, it is gruesome, it is filled with little DC-centric details, it is even touching. There are beautifully crafted scenes and settings, every supporting cast member actually contributes something to the plot, there are easter eggs galore, there are over-the-top DC universe elements balanced by truly heartfelt situations. If Guardians was the wacky space comedy-actioner for the non-MCU fans, then this is the wacky comedy-actioner for the non-DC fans, despite actually still maintaining its ties to the other DCU movies. I am sure Gunn is going to do well by this movie, gathering in not only a wide body of fanboys, but also a good number of people who just like a fun, well-craft movie. And someone has to do right by the DC Cinematic Universe. We cannot leave it all to the Snyderverse, despite what the frothing fanboys want.

We Agree: Godzilla vs. Kong

 2021, d. Adam Wingard - Crave

seriously, the scale here is redick

I ended my review for Godzilla:King of the Monsters, I noted that Warner Bros had greenlit and fast tracked Godzilla vs. Kong before it was released.  Had they waited, and G:KotM having performed poorly at the box office and being critically lambasted, this film wouldn't exist.  But, I'm so very happy they did so blindly and egregiously move ahead.  This film is so delightfully overblown, with real go-for-broke comic-book-science that it leaving no shred of reality remaining and it may be my favourite of this era of Kong/Godzilla films, even if it's not the best.  I really hope I get to see this in theatres at some point... (well, I really hope I get to see anything in theatres at some point).

It's a film that moves so fast it just doesn't leave time for you to question the whys or hows of people's actions, things just need to happen in order for giant creatures to fight each other. If you think about almost anything in this film too much after the fact, oh, it's insanity what these filmmakers are asking you to accept.  But it's not asking you to legit accept it, it really just wants you to have fun, and go along with the ride.  

Yet, it's almost the same formulae they used for King of the Monsters which made for an utter mess of a movie that is borderline unwatchable. The difference here is nobody's trying to take their role in this too seriously. They're there to deliver expository lines, provide human reactions to events, and otherwise just get out of the way of titanic tussles.  Wingard clearly understands the tone.  While it's not the same as a classic Toho, like those films there's an overblown sensibility that makes it all larger than life.

Nobody's really coming to a Godzilla film for the story, and WB have finally learned the people in these things don't really matter all that much, but they do need to be there to push a framework. So in order to at least provide something to hold onto for this clash of kings, they casted very well with likeable personas, actors with enough personality to deliver a dozen or two lines of dialogue over the runtime and the audience won't mind seeing and hearing it. Rebecca Hall and young Kaylee Hottle playing her adopted, deaf daughter are great. Millie Bobbie Brown and Brian Tyree Henry make a very enjoyable duo (with Julian Dennison a welcome tag-along but also a wholly unnecessary presence). Demian Bechir, Eiza Gonzalez, Alexander Skarsgard are all here as well doing what's needed (I mean, to tell you just what kind of film this isn't, Skarsgard never takes his shirt off.  This is really all about the monsters). 

It's a hyper-anthropomorphised Kong here that is the lead of the film and, well, he nails it.  Unlike Kong: Skull Island where Toby Kebble brought his mo-cap ape skills from Dawn of the Planet of the Apes as Kong, there's no single credited performer.  He's even more of a cartoon now, but more on the soulful Pixar side than classic Looney Tune. The animator give Kong a life and inner thoughts and emotions.  He needs people around to help explain them but they're rather clear in the performance.  Godzilla, meanwhile, is credited as olayed by "himself".

There's a central nonsense plot (see Toasty's recap for all the films multitudinous nonsense) involving the humans taking Kong on a voyage to a hollow middle earth, and that journey is definitely worth making, if only for what's there once you arrive.  The film wisely keeps the middle earth's charms fairly mysterious, rather than seeding in another half hour of laborious world building. Instead there are many visual cues to pour over from which you can extrapolate its own story, lending the film, certainly, some form of rewatchability.

While scale is an issue here (as Toasty points out), how big the titular characters are in relation to their environment all seems to be related to what looks good, not what's consistent. And yet, it does look good, so that's really what matters. The fights are great, as if the filmmakers finally realized they're just big cartoon action sequences and you can do whatever you want, physics be damned. It's just a fun film delivering exactly what it should, and under 2 hours with no post credits to set up anything else.  

This is likely the end of Warner Brothers' underperforming Giant Monsters shared universe, as they've been too costly and hardly smashing successes critically or financially. I've enjoyed to varying degrees most of them (save for King of the Monsters) but I recognize that at this scale and this budget they're never going to deliver the same sense of delight that one had watching them on a lazy Sunday afternoon catching half of one on basic cable.   There are expectations when you sink over a hundred million dollars into a film and while I think that these are entertaining, they most definitely did not need to spend as much to elicit the same reaction.   Spending more money on the film and marketing may get a few more butts in the seats, but are those same butts going to watch over and over again.

But before they shut it all down for a time and then start it again, I really want Kong and Godzilla to crossover into Pacific Rim territory.  Please?

3 Short Paragraphs: Mortal Kombat

 2021, Simon McQuoid (Australian commercial director) -- download

The follow-ups to the 90s flops, based on a VERY popular, and ultra-violent, fighter video game (from waaaay back in the days when you fed machines quarters; Google it kiddies) suffered in various forms of development hell for decades. For a moment there was an end of tunnel light, when Kevin Tancharoen almost got a full-feature off the ground, based on his very well received short Mortal Kombat: Rebirth but even that went nowhere. Until James Wan, yes the Saw guy, got this one produced. Alas, I doubt this will resurrect any franchise hopes.

I admit, I never took to the game. Not only was I not attracted to the gratuitous ultra-violence (I know, surprises me as well), I was just never very good at fighters. They also struck me as the jock choice, video games to be played by the testosterone obsessed. Judgmental nerds was even a thing back then. The games follow the similar pattern where fighters of great skill & power, some human, some not so much, battle it out for ... glory? fame? heads? I never knew. This movie establishes that there is a tournament, if won by the dark dimension Outworld, for a tenth and final time (I guess we in Earthrealm kind of suck, despite all those quarters) gives permission for all the evil monsters of Outworld to invade our world with impunity. Despite the already seemingly destined win, the Big Bad Evil Guy Shan Tsung, sends his evil warriors to kill the potential Earth winners ahead of the tournament, because apparently that's not against the rules. Whose rules, you ask? Who knows, as I guess they expect the audience to either be aware of lore from the game, or just accept. Meanwhile the Earth warriors have an prophesized ace card in the resurrection of a famous Japanese fighter, as well as having the totally-not-thor Thunder God Raiden on their side. But to defeat Outworld there must be .... <ominous shouting> MORTAL KOMBAT !!

With some chagrin, I say that this is the exact kind of movie I need to see during The Pause. Its easy to digest, even easier to mock, and I am not invested. But it has a heavy dose of fantasy, an adequate special effects budget and the acting/production values are slightly above most action flicks. It was light, it was fluffy but it was fun. And I imagine, if I was a fan of the games, I would have loved how highlighted Sub-Zero and Scorpion were. But by all means, the movie is not good, with so many plot holes, you just cannot think about it with any depth. For example, I don't think we actually ever get to any tournament fight, with the movie ending by defeating the BBEG's champions before any organized event happens.

n Paragraphs: Godzilla vs Kong

2021, Adam Wingard (Blair Witch) -- download

OK, let's do this. 

I had to rewatch because, while I viewed it when it came out (the wonders of piracy, while it still exists) I didn't write about it. I blame COVID brain. It will continue to be the Great Excuser even when the media consumed was not during the weeks I actually suffered from COVID. The Pause pauses much.

Also, I made notes as I rewatched, as I was not as much concerned by regularly pausing and continuing. I have noticed that this leads to a less-than-overall-view-of-the-movie writing style, and lends itself more to a chronological run-through or recap. Not that interesting, but interesting to me.

Anywayz, I liked it again. But not as much as the first time round, where I turned my brain off and just enjoyed the pretty colours and monster knife fights. This time was more tainted by the "OMG the dumbs!" interfering with the fun. This is not a smart movie. But wherein I disliked the second movie so much for being Dumb Dumb Dumb, and I got very little Fun out of it, with this one I got loads of Fun. Fun trumps smart, I guess.

We begin with Kong, Kong on Kong Island (OK, Skull Island) waking up, scratching his butt like the old man he has grown into since the get-this-monkeyfucking-monkey-off-my-monkeyfucking-plane movie that introduced him. But it's NOT Skull Island, it's a compound built on what remains of the island after the storms took it over, probably killing everyone and everything. He's Under the Dome, a dome with holographic skies and a dome that he knows is there. And he don't like it. But nice scientist lady (Rebecca Hall, Iron Man 3) and little deaf girl take care of him, so he's OK.

By this time we are supposed to assume Kong has grown up from 100 odd feet to 300 odd feet, so he matches the height of Godzilla, who will be known affectionately as GZ from now on. But really, I am not convinced. He doesn't look that much bigger based on his surroundings. We are expected to ignore that.

Next up we get the Attack on Apex Cybernetics. They call it a robotics plant, but it looks more like an oil refinery meets a nuclear plant. You would think a robotics plant would just be lots and lots of boxes housing science labs and manufacturing floors. But that's not interesting enough for GZ to stomp or lazer blast. Yes, lazer, not laser. GZ's atomic blasts are frickin' lazer beams. When the dust settles the news claims only 8 died. Yeah, not buying it. Considering the lazer beams and explosions and fighter jet crashes, dozens if not hundreds should have died. Speaking of fighter jets, quit flying so close guys -- you just know he is going to swat ya like an annoying bug.

During this point in the movie, I realized I am kind of watching a Michael Bay movie. There are big exciting set pieces, lots of explosions and an annoying, comical character whom I don't like. I get, from a screenplay point of view, why these characters exist -- lighten up the situation, bring it more to the ground so we can get plot exposition. But as a tie to bring Maddie (Millie Bobby Brown, Stranger Things) back to the story, its incredibly weak.

So, GZ is attacking, they don't know why, but Evil Tech Guy (Demián Bichir, The Bridge) is likely causing it. His plan is to convince people that they have to go to the Centre of the (Hollow) Earth where they will find a power source that can protect them from GZ, and other titans. Nobody knows the way there, but Kong is probably drawn by genetic memory. Skull Island is supposed to be Hollow Earth come to the surface. So, Evil Tech Guy (and his sexy Asian Evil CTO) need to convince Hollow Earth Dude (Alexander Skarsgård, True Blood) to convince Nice Scientist Lady to convince Kong to join them in finding the way to Hollow Earth.

I have seen this movie twice now, but I am not sure I catch what Evil Tech Guy is using as leverage. I said power source, but I not convinced that is the reason. Why do they think a power source is at the centre of the planet? And how will it help them?

And speaking of the Hollow Earth, we get Hollow Earth Dude. He's an AUTHOR, an author on a pseudo-science topic that has to be more speculation than anything. But they are using HIS theories as a source, along with some magnetic imaging of the centre of the planet that show a big hollow sphere. Hint, when they get there, THERE IS NO HOLLOW SPHERE. I would think they used that "magnetic imaging" as a ruse to get Hollow Earth Dude to join them, but I don't know why they need him. Its not like all his crazy books add any air of authenticity to his theories. But still, they do convince Nice Scientist Lady and pack everyone and Kong up on a bunch of ships to sail to Antarctica where the best entrance to the Hollow Earth likely is, according to his theoretical books. And he also gets to school them on how the journey will go, gravitic inversions and such, and The Veil, which allows them to travel quickly to the centre, some thousand miles below. Again, he cannot KNOW this, he just theorized it.

So, sailing on big military boats on routes they don't expect GZ to go, with a drugged up Kong while they play Elvis music. Why Elvis, I thought. Oh, The King. Heh. And GZ finds them, of course. I still don't get why a 300' monsters can sneak up on both the military AND Evil Tech Guy's entourage, which includes his Daughter (Eiza González, Baby Driver) [rawr].

The battle atop the ships is pretty exciting, if not exactly realistic. Yes yes, I get it, in a movie about Giant Monsters with Lazer Breath fighting, realism is already out the door. But something has always bugged me about movies set on a larger than life scale. As Kong hops from ship to ship, reaching the aircraft carrier in order to have some more room to fight, I wonder about the structural capability of American sea going vessels. Sure the BOAT is bigger, but that doesn't mean the materials that make it up are equivalently bigger. Shouldn't Kong just punch through the deck until his inertia is absorbed? 

Eventually GZ gives up, and leaves the survivors to escape, using the age old trope of "turn the power off, everything that makes a noise!" GZ is not tracking a submarine, he is tracking a giant ape who is still alive and gasping for life. But I assume GZ has made his point as to who is really King, so he carries on carrying on. 

Once he is gone, they need to continue to the Rabbit Hole, so they pickup Kong in a big ol net carried by a bunch of helicopters and vertibirds. But where did they come from? The aircraft carrier, and half the other ships are sunk, so ... OK, stop Toast and just keep on watching.

Back to the sideplot where Maddie and her sidekicks, including wonderful Julian Dennison (Where the Wilder People Are) are off to Hong Kong, via the magic maglev trains that travel 260 mph, so they can transport SkullCrawler eggs to ANOTHER secret Apex base. Shouldn't our side story side kicks be tossed against the back wall of the train car? Its not like that have starship inertial dampeners. Once they have arrived they find the real reason Evil Tech Guy needs the Centre of the Earth power source (still don't know how he knows about that stuff), so that he can power up Mecha GZ ! Yup, he has built his own Titan to fight the other titans and become King of the World. Also, Evil CTO is its pilot. You would think he would hire people to do that stuff.

And now back to going down the rabbit hole in their own versions of Apex maglev trains, the H.E.A.V. ships, modeled like one of their engineers saw The Core. They convince Kong to swing his way down the tunnels from Antarctica to the Centre of the Earth by having the little deaf girl lie to Kong. Oh, did I mention Kong speaks American Sign Language? Heh. 

But with Kong swinging, they all follow until they reach The Veil. What? Why? How? Apparently there is a magical barrier between the surface and the Centre that will allow them to "travel thousands of miles in seconds." I guess something had to be done, as the movie couldn't waste hours if not days as the group travels to The Core. So, magic space warp veil thingie hand wavey science that somehow crazy book author was aware of.

Once they are in the Hollow Earth (which is not a sphere, but a PLANE -- the only thing I can think of is that the core of the Earth is still further in, but the "Hollow Earth" is an open shell around it all, which has magical "gravitic inversion") it looks incredible. Who knows where the "sunlight" comes from but all those mountains "above" and "below" look incredible. I felt I was back watching one of those Journey to the Centre of the Earth movies from the 70s that I loved so much. If only we had got to see lizard people! Perhaps they were the carvers of the realm that the Kongs ruled over? 

This underground jungle is full of trees and water and breathable air and blue rocks and other monster fauna. I do so like the Quetzalcoatl ! Kong is running and swinging towards... something. Evil Tech Guy's Daughter assumes it is the Secret Power Source that ... Kong just runs towards, just because? But no, he is actually heading towards the Kingdom of the Kongs, a hollow mountain fortress where Kong discovers his legacy and his ... THRONE !! Yep, Kong, King of Cimmeria! Its all so wonderfully grand and silly and incredible. By now I stop complaining internally and just enjoyed the batshit insane choices they were making. Kong has a BATTLEAXE that charges up !! Back in sidekick story, the Skull of Ghidora used as an uplink to MechaGZ!! And MechaGZ roars, because THAT is something you need programmed into a Giant Robot!! 

Now, GZ is drawn to Hong Kong by the Apex blinkey blink that... powers MechaGZ ? But he is also aware (???) that Kong has reached the throne room. Evil Tech Guy's Daughter didn't need the actual bue rock power source, and just scanned a bit of it, to send back to daddy so he can power up MechaGZ. That upsets the rest of the team, who see it as a corruption of why they were travelling to the Centre of the Earth. But really, why did they think they were going? And how is a simple scan going to really affect anything? Anywayz, as I was saying, GZ is aware Kong is "down under" and blows a hole all the way to the Centre of the Earth. Yup, you read that right. A HOLE FROM CHINA TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH. I am pretty sure by now that this script was written by having a producer sit with a room of 8 year olds describing what they want in the next GZ movie. Or Reddit; same difference.

So, now Kong has to climb all the way back to Hong Kong (they mention but don't depict The Veil) so he can battle it out with GZ, now that he has his new POWERED UP BATTLE AXE ! Is Hong Kong really that colourful ? I do enjoy they had to recreate the Pacific Rim battle scene in a bright city because that movie still stands as my fav kaiju flick. Anyone notice the archology on the mountain at the centre of Hong Kong. Is there a mountain at the centre of Hong Kong (city, not island) ? 

GZ and Kong have to battle it out, so GZ can prove (again) that he is truly King. So squash squash, smashy smashy, thousands die (there was no time to get to the shelters) and once Kong seems down, MechaGZ emerges from the mountain to kick GZ's ass. MechaGZ has rockets, rocket propelled punches and his own red Lazer Beam to counter GZ's blue beam. And just when we think all is lost (no we didn't), Hollow Earth Dude flicks a bunch of switches, and taps a bunch of buttons and turns the HEAV into a defibrillator. Kong gets up, powers up his axe again and the two (now) best buds rip MechaGZ limb from limb. OK, maybe we can both be Kings, thinks GZ.

I love that lone helicopter that flies past after Kong takes care of MechaGZ. 

I did rather enjoy watching this movie again, but recapping it was almost as much fun as you get to say the looney things that happened out loud and make them sound awesome as well as looney. I still wish they had kept the tone of the first movie, making things more dire and scary instead of looney, but the "fans" did complain so that room of 8 year olds had to be convened.

3 Short Paragraphs: Fantasy Island

2020, Jeff Wadlow (Kick-Ass 2) -- download

Just like we have not seen a reboot of Love Boat, I am sure nobody wanted a reboot of the classic 70s/80s starring Ricardo Montalbán. And not just reboot / re-imagining, but a dark & gritty re-imagining. Marmy had the short lived idea to do a mini-binge of horror movies, sort of a Summer October During a Real Horror, but, have I mentioned a lack of attention span during this event? This was one of the few we did watch. P.S. Does anyone remember the even shorter lived previous reboot starring Malcom McDowell? P.S.S. Squirrel !!

As expected, Mr. Roarke (Michael Peña) runs the resort that claims to fulfill the fantasies of its guests, but under the direction that once they start it, they have to finish it. Arriving are Gwen (Maggie Q) seeking to revisit an old love affair, Melanie (Lucy Hale) who wants revenge on a childhood bully, JD and Brax Weaver (Ryan Hansen & Jimmy O Wang), brothers who want an unrepentant debaucherous weekend and finally, Patrick (Austin Stowell) who needs some reconnection with his dead dad. Initially things start off as expected, with the guests marveling at how detailed and real feeling these fantasies are, especially Melanie who gets to literally torture the girl from her past. But that doesn't stop her from pressing a few pain buttons or pulling a few levers, until she begins to realize that the girl strapped the chair is actually her nemesis, and breaks her out. Melanie senses something is very very wrong on Fantasy Island. Yeah, so do we. Cliche horror movie tropes attached to what was mostly a benign series.

Mostly. The original series, when hitting flagging ratings, did try all sorts of supernatural and horror-adjacent plot lines, even hinting loudly that Roarke was not your average human being. This movie sets up a dark centre to the island, one that generates the places & people needed for someone to go through with their fantasy, and seeking to take something in return. But that wasn't enough, for as our characters discover they are being manipulated, they decided another twist was required and derailed all the continuity of the movie. I won't spoil it for you, because you should be as disappointed as I was. Not even Peña, whose acting I always enjoy, could save this movie which was lackluster in so many ways.

Jay and Silent Bob Reboot

2019, d. Kevin Smith - AmazonPrime

I was a massive Kevin Smith fan back in the 90's; wildly entertained by his salty dialogue, his geeky undercurrents heretofore unseen in the mainstream, and he had the first real sense of universe-building and shared continuity long before the MCU found success with it. But as I grew up as a movie viewer I found Smith didn't grow much as a filmmaker with me.

Stylistically, he's self-admittedly never been able to dazzle with the camera's lens. The deeper one goes into his repertoire, the more one wishes he still was beholden to the limitations he had with Clerks.

The man is a talker, as witnessed by his numerous speaking tours and his multitude of podcasts. Like many a geek, he likes to talk, opine, geek out and rant... the key distinguisher from, say, myself, is he actually takes the initiative to create as well, and had the gall to be a moderate success along the way. So his films reflect his verbosity, with the dialogue having always been the key draw.

But the juvenile sensibility to his dialogue -- extensive cursing, sexual innuendo, and pseudo-boundary pushing -- wore thin by the time of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.  Even more egregiously, like latter-day Simpsons, that film spent way too much time passing off self-reference as comedy.

Smith's career has been a see-saw since then. Red State showed improvement as a storyteller and a willingness to move beyond his standard tropes, while Clerks II (and even the maligned Jersey Girl) showed he had more on his mind as a writer. But then the atrocity of Cop Out and wildly unnecessary goof-em-up films like The Walrus and Yoga-Hosers seemed to undermine any sense of real auteurship, any sense of a place where he's not only comfortable operating in, but competent too.

These days he seems most at home in his podcast network, whil doing side jobs on the CW superhero shows like Flash and Supergirl put him in a machine that's too big for him to fail. So coming back to Jay and Silent Bob, particularly after the ugliness of the last movie they featured in, was not necessarily the most welcome news from Smith, and the parade of guest stars and names reprising past "View Askewniverse" characters announced made it sound like another tired retread of past glories.

The opening of Jay and Silent Bob Reboot is a painful exercise in production company title card creep, followed by an opening sequence that screamed at me to immediately turn off the film and do something better with my time. Out front of the old Quick Stop location (an artificial but accurate recreation) it's immediately reliving old jokes, delivering a crudely juvenile "Cock Smoker" joke name for a chicken sandwich place (a brief moment later it revisits this joke and smugly takes time to have Craig Robinson and Joe Manganiello laugh at it), and Jay do his "Buffalo Bill" impression when he mistakes the police order to "put the plants down" to "put the pants down". This would have been pretty funny in Smith's second or third feature in the mid-90's but we're over a dozen features in and this is about as sophisticated that Smith's comedy seems to get.

The film spends the next 20 minutes revisiting old jokes, making painfully unfunny new jokes (puns and weed jokes mostly), and managed a parade of guest stars including Molly Shannon, Fred Armisen, Kate Micucci and Justin Long before it gets to the crux of what it wants to deal with: Jay learning he's the father of an 18 year old girl, and then coming to terms with it via a road trip that conveniently intersects with the otherwise rehashed plot of Jay and Silent Bob going to Hollywood to stop a reboot of Bluntman and Chronic.

The father-daughter road trip is full of inane turns (so much pot talk and guest appearances, and a couple go-nowhere complications like a menace-free encounter with the Klan) but it still has a tremendous amount of heart as Jay's paternal instincts, self-doubt and nervousness ground the film with some sense of reality and meaning.

The third act is a messy mixed-bag of this earnest - and welcome - sentimentality and a level of self-reference/fourth wall breaking that actually fatigued my eye-rolling muscles.

"Chronic-con", a Jay and Silent Bob/Bluntman and Chronic-themed convention, is where, in-movie, director Kevin Smith is filming the final scene of his Bluntman and Chronic reboot. Anything having to do with this film or its director is the most tiresome winky comedy (often directly into camera), and he just keeps going back to it.

Conversely though, the cameos and trips down memory lane make much more sense at a convention, with Jay and SB running past the cast of Clerks (in black and white, a good gag but held on too long) or encountering Ben Affleck's Holden and Joey Lauren Adams' Alyssa from Chasing Amy to see where they are today and make some genuinely welcome (and meaningful) contributions to the plot while also serving as both a necessary critique of the film and a coda to it.

The big climax (snoogans) of the film is wacky surrealism, which the film otherwise does a decent job at staving off for most of its run (though it finds its way through here or there like creeping bellflower), but the sweet heart at the core of it makes it more palatable than it otherwise should be.
This is not a great film, but you can see the gestation in Smith's friendship with Jason Mewes, and Mewes newfound parentage providing inspiration for he script (his actual daughter appears in a prominent scene). It's somewhat familiar ground from Jersey Girl but its a logical happy place for Smith to operate in and show some maturity.

Harley Quinn Smith, as Jay's daughter, Millennium Falcon, Treshelle Edmond and AP Bio's Aparna Brielle provide some distinctly feminine energy and youthful vigor to an otherwise (acknowledged) dated pairing. Of the guest spots aplenty, Chris Hemsworth comes out on top ("It's Hems-worth it"), with Method Man, Redman, Affleck, Adams and Rosario Dawson following close behind.

Not the exact waste of time I was expecting. Strangely, as a lapsed Kevin Smith fan, it felt like closure I didn't know I needed.