n Paragraphs: Godzilla vs Kong

2021, Adam Wingard (Blair Witch) -- download

OK, let's do this. 

I had to rewatch because, while I viewed it when it came out (the wonders of piracy, while it still exists) I didn't write about it. I blame COVID brain. It will continue to be the Great Excuser even when the media consumed was not during the weeks I actually suffered from COVID. The Pause pauses much.

Also, I made notes as I rewatched, as I was not as much concerned by regularly pausing and continuing. I have noticed that this leads to a less-than-overall-view-of-the-movie writing style, and lends itself more to a chronological run-through or recap. Not that interesting, but interesting to me.

Anywayz, I liked it again. But not as much as the first time round, where I turned my brain off and just enjoyed the pretty colours and monster knife fights. This time was more tainted by the "OMG the dumbs!" interfering with the fun. This is not a smart movie. But wherein I disliked the second movie so much for being Dumb Dumb Dumb, and I got very little Fun out of it, with this one I got loads of Fun. Fun trumps smart, I guess.

We begin with Kong, Kong on Kong Island (OK, Skull Island) waking up, scratching his butt like the old man he has grown into since the get-this-monkeyfucking-monkey-off-my-monkeyfucking-plane movie that introduced him. But it's NOT Skull Island, it's a compound built on what remains of the island after the storms took it over, probably killing everyone and everything. He's Under the Dome, a dome with holographic skies and a dome that he knows is there. And he don't like it. But nice scientist lady (Rebecca Hall, Iron Man 3) and little deaf girl take care of him, so he's OK.

By this time we are supposed to assume Kong has grown up from 100 odd feet to 300 odd feet, so he matches the height of Godzilla, who will be known affectionately as GZ from now on. But really, I am not convinced. He doesn't look that much bigger based on his surroundings. We are expected to ignore that.

Next up we get the Attack on Apex Cybernetics. They call it a robotics plant, but it looks more like an oil refinery meets a nuclear plant. You would think a robotics plant would just be lots and lots of boxes housing science labs and manufacturing floors. But that's not interesting enough for GZ to stomp or lazer blast. Yes, lazer, not laser. GZ's atomic blasts are frickin' lazer beams. When the dust settles the news claims only 8 died. Yeah, not buying it. Considering the lazer beams and explosions and fighter jet crashes, dozens if not hundreds should have died. Speaking of fighter jets, quit flying so close guys -- you just know he is going to swat ya like an annoying bug.

During this point in the movie, I realized I am kind of watching a Michael Bay movie. There are big exciting set pieces, lots of explosions and an annoying, comical character whom I don't like. I get, from a screenplay point of view, why these characters exist -- lighten up the situation, bring it more to the ground so we can get plot exposition. But as a tie to bring Maddie (Millie Bobby Brown, Stranger Things) back to the story, its incredibly weak.

So, GZ is attacking, they don't know why, but Evil Tech Guy (Demián Bichir, The Bridge) is likely causing it. His plan is to convince people that they have to go to the Centre of the (Hollow) Earth where they will find a power source that can protect them from GZ, and other titans. Nobody knows the way there, but Kong is probably drawn by genetic memory. Skull Island is supposed to be Hollow Earth come to the surface. So, Evil Tech Guy (and his sexy Asian Evil CTO) need to convince Hollow Earth Dude (Alexander Skarsgård, True Blood) to convince Nice Scientist Lady to convince Kong to join them in finding the way to Hollow Earth.

I have seen this movie twice now, but I am not sure I catch what Evil Tech Guy is using as leverage. I said power source, but I not convinced that is the reason. Why do they think a power source is at the centre of the planet? And how will it help them?

And speaking of the Hollow Earth, we get Hollow Earth Dude. He's an AUTHOR, an author on a pseudo-science topic that has to be more speculation than anything. But they are using HIS theories as a source, along with some magnetic imaging of the centre of the planet that show a big hollow sphere. Hint, when they get there, THERE IS NO HOLLOW SPHERE. I would think they used that "magnetic imaging" as a ruse to get Hollow Earth Dude to join them, but I don't know why they need him. Its not like all his crazy books add any air of authenticity to his theories. But still, they do convince Nice Scientist Lady and pack everyone and Kong up on a bunch of ships to sail to Antarctica where the best entrance to the Hollow Earth likely is, according to his theoretical books. And he also gets to school them on how the journey will go, gravitic inversions and such, and The Veil, which allows them to travel quickly to the centre, some thousand miles below. Again, he cannot KNOW this, he just theorized it.

So, sailing on big military boats on routes they don't expect GZ to go, with a drugged up Kong while they play Elvis music. Why Elvis, I thought. Oh, The King. Heh. And GZ finds them, of course. I still don't get why a 300' monsters can sneak up on both the military AND Evil Tech Guy's entourage, which includes his Daughter (Eiza González, Baby Driver) [rawr].

The battle atop the ships is pretty exciting, if not exactly realistic. Yes yes, I get it, in a movie about Giant Monsters with Lazer Breath fighting, realism is already out the door. But something has always bugged me about movies set on a larger than life scale. As Kong hops from ship to ship, reaching the aircraft carrier in order to have some more room to fight, I wonder about the structural capability of American sea going vessels. Sure the BOAT is bigger, but that doesn't mean the materials that make it up are equivalently bigger. Shouldn't Kong just punch through the deck until his inertia is absorbed? 

Eventually GZ gives up, and leaves the survivors to escape, using the age old trope of "turn the power off, everything that makes a noise!" GZ is not tracking a submarine, he is tracking a giant ape who is still alive and gasping for life. But I assume GZ has made his point as to who is really King, so he carries on carrying on. 

Once he is gone, they need to continue to the Rabbit Hole, so they pickup Kong in a big ol net carried by a bunch of helicopters and vertibirds. But where did they come from? The aircraft carrier, and half the other ships are sunk, so ... OK, stop Toast and just keep on watching.

Back to the sideplot where Maddie and her sidekicks, including wonderful Julian Dennison (Where the Wilder People Are) are off to Hong Kong, via the magic maglev trains that travel 260 mph, so they can transport SkullCrawler eggs to ANOTHER secret Apex base. Shouldn't our side story side kicks be tossed against the back wall of the train car? Its not like that have starship inertial dampeners. Once they have arrived they find the real reason Evil Tech Guy needs the Centre of the Earth power source (still don't know how he knows about that stuff), so that he can power up Mecha GZ ! Yup, he has built his own Titan to fight the other titans and become King of the World. Also, Evil CTO is its pilot. You would think he would hire people to do that stuff.

And now back to going down the rabbit hole in their own versions of Apex maglev trains, the H.E.A.V. ships, modeled like one of their engineers saw The Core. They convince Kong to swing his way down the tunnels from Antarctica to the Centre of the Earth by having the little deaf girl lie to Kong. Oh, did I mention Kong speaks American Sign Language? Heh. 

But with Kong swinging, they all follow until they reach The Veil. What? Why? How? Apparently there is a magical barrier between the surface and the Centre that will allow them to "travel thousands of miles in seconds." I guess something had to be done, as the movie couldn't waste hours if not days as the group travels to The Core. So, magic space warp veil thingie hand wavey science that somehow crazy book author was aware of.

Once they are in the Hollow Earth (which is not a sphere, but a PLANE -- the only thing I can think of is that the core of the Earth is still further in, but the "Hollow Earth" is an open shell around it all, which has magical "gravitic inversion") it looks incredible. Who knows where the "sunlight" comes from but all those mountains "above" and "below" look incredible. I felt I was back watching one of those Journey to the Centre of the Earth movies from the 70s that I loved so much. If only we had got to see lizard people! Perhaps they were the carvers of the realm that the Kongs ruled over? 

This underground jungle is full of trees and water and breathable air and blue rocks and other monster fauna. I do so like the Quetzalcoatl ! Kong is running and swinging towards... something. Evil Tech Guy's Daughter assumes it is the Secret Power Source that ... Kong just runs towards, just because? But no, he is actually heading towards the Kingdom of the Kongs, a hollow mountain fortress where Kong discovers his legacy and his ... THRONE !! Yep, Kong, King of Cimmeria! Its all so wonderfully grand and silly and incredible. By now I stop complaining internally and just enjoyed the batshit insane choices they were making. Kong has a BATTLEAXE that charges up !! Back in sidekick story, the Skull of Ghidora used as an uplink to MechaGZ!! And MechaGZ roars, because THAT is something you need programmed into a Giant Robot!! 

Now, GZ is drawn to Hong Kong by the Apex blinkey blink that... powers MechaGZ ? But he is also aware (???) that Kong has reached the throne room. Evil Tech Guy's Daughter didn't need the actual bue rock power source, and just scanned a bit of it, to send back to daddy so he can power up MechaGZ. That upsets the rest of the team, who see it as a corruption of why they were travelling to the Centre of the Earth. But really, why did they think they were going? And how is a simple scan going to really affect anything? Anywayz, as I was saying, GZ is aware Kong is "down under" and blows a hole all the way to the Centre of the Earth. Yup, you read that right. A HOLE FROM CHINA TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH. I am pretty sure by now that this script was written by having a producer sit with a room of 8 year olds describing what they want in the next GZ movie. Or Reddit; same difference.

So, now Kong has to climb all the way back to Hong Kong (they mention but don't depict The Veil) so he can battle it out with GZ, now that he has his new POWERED UP BATTLE AXE ! Is Hong Kong really that colourful ? I do enjoy they had to recreate the Pacific Rim battle scene in a bright city because that movie still stands as my fav kaiju flick. Anyone notice the archology on the mountain at the centre of Hong Kong. Is there a mountain at the centre of Hong Kong (city, not island) ? 

GZ and Kong have to battle it out, so GZ can prove (again) that he is truly King. So squash squash, smashy smashy, thousands die (there was no time to get to the shelters) and once Kong seems down, MechaGZ emerges from the mountain to kick GZ's ass. MechaGZ has rockets, rocket propelled punches and his own red Lazer Beam to counter GZ's blue beam. And just when we think all is lost (no we didn't), Hollow Earth Dude flicks a bunch of switches, and taps a bunch of buttons and turns the HEAV into a defibrillator. Kong gets up, powers up his axe again and the two (now) best buds rip MechaGZ limb from limb. OK, maybe we can both be Kings, thinks GZ.

I love that lone helicopter that flies past after Kong takes care of MechaGZ. 

I did rather enjoy watching this movie again, but recapping it was almost as much fun as you get to say the looney things that happened out loud and make them sound awesome as well as looney. I still wish they had kept the tone of the first movie, making things more dire and scary instead of looney, but the "fans" did complain so that room of 8 year olds had to be convened.