2019, Netflix
*looks back at the wastelands that were December 2017 and 2018*
Oh that's how.
Anyhoo, onto the joy that is the unbelievably terribleness that is the Christmas Prince franchise, set in the same world as Netflix's The Princess Switch. Aldovia is just south of Belgravia, both rather large European countries that replace much of Eastern Europe (Serbia, Bosnia, Hungary, Slovakia, etc). So, instead of being fictional, tiny countries smushed in between other real countries, they actually establish an alternate history for much of Europe. This is also confused by the idea that in A Princess Switch movie, Netflix is running A Christmas Prince. But from what I hear, they also attend the coronation in A Princess Switch 2. So, they are both a movie and real people in that world? As the Internet is saying, the Netflix movie is a documentary. Tee hee.
Anywayz, this is the third in a movie where a blogger from Brooklyn becomes the queen on a fictional country. We have gone past the meet cute, and the Royal Wedding beset by intrigue, to the baby. This is where the stereotypical "romance" movie loses me -- children. Yawn. But, it is notoriously as bad as the others, so I was in.
Is the baby the A Plot or the B Plot? Well, either way the other plot is the Centennial Signing of the treaty between Aldovia and the country just to the east, Penglia, which I misheard as "Penguinia" so, forever after the people will be known as "Penguins". For some reason, the Penguins are Chinese, or ... perhaps Mongol? This alternate history would be absolutely fascinating to read, that led to Southern Russia to be its own Asian dominated country. Anywayz, the treaty signing is a Big Thing, further complicated by Queen Amber is beloved to her people, and mixes it up by wandering around in the Xmas Fair. Queen Ming (the Merciless???) is not as convinced that her own people would allow her to play such a part next to King Tai.
Then, a snow storm traps them all in the lovely little country in the mountains! Then, on the night of the Treaty Signing, the royal seal (arr arr arr) is stolen! If they don't find it before the last bell rings on Xmas Eve, everyone will turn into a pumpkin, a curse laid by a witch hundreds of years ago will bring misfortune upon the coming Royal Baby. Oh, and Aldovia will have to pay back their debts to Penguinia immediately.
Meanwhile, the Royal Pain in the Ass, cousin Simon has begun courting the token black character Melissa, but nobody trusts him, as he has evil eyebrows and wears black, so he must be the Bad Guy. Also, who else would have stolen the seal? Even the girl who loves him now doesn't trust him, because he has been making nice nice with his old college buddy, attache to the Penguins, Lynn. They must be conspiring together!
Meanwhile, stick in some ghosts stories about spirits in the dungeons (which look more like catacombs) and the mobility challenged daughter, and Old Queen Mom decide they will investigate. Without help, without guards. Meanwhile the snowstorm a giant bat (?!?!) caused Dr. Magoro to crash, and King Richard has to hop atop his horse to go rescue her, because all the stress has sent Amber into labour. Horse. In a country at ski resort heights, he doesn't have access to a snowmobile, or staff to do it for him. But there was beloved (cringey) horse scene in the first movie, so off he goes. And he hears wolves. That is where I determined that the Bad Guy could be nobody other than Dracula. Giant Bats, wolves, countries that in another timeline would have probably placed this movie in the Transylvanian Alps. Dracula.
But no, it was just disgruntled house staff. Seal found in the crypts dungeons. Baby is born, treaty is signed and all is well. Also, Simon was just finding ways to pay off the Aldovian debt, and looking for the right moment to propose to Melissa. I don't know, Lynn was pretty hot, and it would have added more stability between the two countries.
Dracula obviously decides to hide in the shadows and wait for the next movie before showing his nefarious plot.
The Draw: Because I have seen the other two movies, and they are delightfully terrible.
The Formulae: Given this is the third movie in a series, the formula is definitely not any Hallmarky meet-cute, but we do get Xmas Fairs, and sleigh rides, and beautifully decorated Xmas Balls.
Unformulae: This is more Disney style Princess comedy with intrigue and a wee bit romance tossed in for good measure. Actually, the romance is not really part of this movie at all, so...
True Calling? Yes, there is a baby.
The Rewind: Not so much as rewind, but I did so love the scene with the vintage Xmas themed board game involving stacking vintage ornaments upon a wooden Xmas tree stand.
The Regulars: No, none, beyond the people in the earlier movies.
How does it Hallmark? Netflix seems to be creating its own formula, one that borrows more from Disney than from Hallmark. I really don't want them to go down this path, and should they make more originals, with sequels intended, I think they should do a Shared World, and do new meet-cute romances in each sequel.
How does it movie? Oh gawd no. Never again.
This sounds absolutely bugnuts. In my head it's like a Uwe Boll movie ... you know, where he managed to trick tens of millions of dollars out of european investors and made a big budget pile of fantasy crap. But I know it's probably not even close to those shoddy standards.
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