A Toast To Hallmarkent: Dashing in December

 2020, d. Jake Helgren - (E!, Paramount Network)

The Story:
Wyatt (Peter Porte) is a big time New York guy looking for that promotion to VP of whatever. His job doesn't matter.  What does matter is he just broke up with Lindsey (things were getting too serious) and he's going back home to the family ranch in Colorado for the holidays for the first time in, like, years and years... with the express purpose of telling his mother that it's time to sell the ranch.  He's been footing the mortgage and taxes on the ranch for years and it's just hemorrhaging money. 

Back at the ranch, Mom (if you were wondering what happened to Andie MacDowell, well, here she is) is still lamenting the loss of her husband, Wyatt's dad, 15 YEARS AGO!  Oy.  And she's letting the ranch fall into disrepair a little, without the motivation or the money to do much with it.  Her saviors have been Wyatt's high-school ex-girlfriend, Blake (Caroline Harris) and the ranch hand of three years, Heath (Juan Pablo Di Pace).  Mom and Blake talk about the fact that she hasn't told Wyatt about Heath, nor has she mentioned to Heath that Wyatt is also gay. (Later in the film she explains that she thought the two of them would work well together, but didn't want to force it in any way).

Heath's expectation is that Wyatt is a citdiot, and that he will worry about seeming homophobic while making jokes that are homophobic.  Blake just says that he will be surprised.    Their first meeting is at a distance when Wyatt gets crusty stepping in a horse pie (he also looks at Heath as a hick ranch hand), with their second meeting Wyatt calling him "Hank" and insulting the wine he brought for dinner.  At dinner, Wyatt thinks it an opportune time to introduce to Mom the plan for selling the ranch.  This sets everyone on edge, and Mom leaves while Heath gets sarcastic.

There's scenes of Wyatt and Heath talking about horses and the state of the ranch while really not liking each other.  Then Wyatt accidentally startles Heath while he's pouring water for tea (yes! Tea!) and Heath burns himself.  They actually come to a bit of an understanding when Heath learn that Wyatt's ex Lindsey was a man all along ("with facial hair, like you") and they start to probe each other's back stories (not a euphamism... but if it were, it'd be a good one).  They have tea and talk late into the evening and while they may not agree on the state of the ranch, they certainly find more than enough common ground to start liking one another.

They go out for a horse ride together (some really nice Colorado scenery, and I'm not just talking handsome men on horseback), and then go out with Mom and Blake dancing, where they have drinks and reminisce and line dance.  Here Wyatt notes that he's never actually danced with a man.  Later, Heath sets up homecoming decorations with wine and music in the ranch's gazebo and though Wyatt resists dancing at first, Heath's smooth butt wiggling side-stepping draws him in.  It's pretty sexy AND romantic!  They get close, Heath kisses Wyatt's neck, and his lip notice Wyatt's pulse.  "You're heart's racing".
"That's on you."

Anyway, there's a church service where Mom's neighbour and her dead husband's best friend, lets Mom know that he's done playing games, enough time has passed and that they must move forward.  She rebuffs him even though she wants to be with him. Complication, when Wyatt tells Mom there's a buyer for the ranch already, that his boss has a client interested in turning the property into a racetrack.

This sets everyone back on edge.  It culminates at dinner (with Wyatt's delicious bison chili and probably a better bottle of wine, though it looks the same) when everyone blows up at each other, picking at scabs with more than a little understanding that Wyatt and Heath can't be together if they're in different parts of the country.

SO...rather than apologize, Wyatt stays being a stubborn a-hole and takes off for the airport on Christmas Eve (as people do on a whim).  There he's on the phone with his boss when mercifully inspiration strikes and somehow he saves the ranch?  It doesn't matter. Mom hooks up with that guy, Blake's husband returns home from Doctors Without Borders to get her pregnant, and Wyatt gets the promotion (his company now needs a western US presence and I guess Colorado will do).  He manages to get a marketing blast to promote the ranch's sleigh ride and asks Heath to be a "partner" in the ranch.  They figure shit out and then kiss, big sexy handsome kisses...with a backpack getting in the way kinda.

The Draw:
In my efforts to support the newfound market for gay holiday romances, this seemed like a glaring omission that needed to be corrected.

The Formulae:
A hot single big city dweller (New York) is angling for the big promotion, but must return home for the holidays where his ex is still involved with his family.  Back home, there's a beloved building/institution/ritual that is in jeopardy and must be saved (in this case the family ranch).  The memories of a dead parent make it hard to be home.
The story complication of the promotion and ambition gets in the way of staying home with the new love interest.

Unformulae:
There's an ex-girlfirend "back home" but in this case Wyatt's ex-girlfriend is his BFF who he went out with in high school before he was out.
There's so much drinking real drinks in this movie (not just fucking hot chocolate, cider or eggnog).  At one point Heath is boiling water for...what the fuck... tea?!? People don't drink tea in these things...
They go to a bar, and dance to real music (Shania Twain), not just fucking Christmas carols.  There's a later dance that is also not to Christmas carols.  Hell, there aren't a lot of carols here.  It seems to have a real soundtrack.
Wyatt's distinct personality is that he's a bit brash, and kind of an ass (he *actually* seems like someone who would be a VP of something) but he's also got a good heart.  That brashness, even as he softens to Heath, it's still there. He doesn't become a different person.
There's so brutal truths and conversations these characters have between themselves and it's quite refreshing, not just juvenile pre-teen romance shit.  That third act complication is more about being wounded with words and sensitive to the larger situation, rather than some stupid misunderstanding.  You can actually feel both sides justified in their opinions... and that...maybe, these two can't end up together.
Sexiness. There is a smoldering sexiness to this movie.  The two leads are very handsome and look incredible together.  When Heath is trying to get Wyatt to dance with him, I actually was rooting out loud "Dance with him! Dance with him!" and literally cheered when he did.

True Calling?
Enh. I guess.  There's horses and handsome men, so it does sort of fit, but they could have done something a little more generic.

The Rewind:
Well, hell, I watched the whole thing twice in the same day.  But the running into each other in their underwear scene.  That was good stuff. 

The Regulars:
Porte starred straight in the 2017 Hallmark movie Love at the Shore, 2018's Love, Once and Always and 2019's Rome in Love.  He could easily play Superman.  Just sayin'.

How does it Hallmark?
It takes the Hallmark formulae as its bare bones skeleton and then adds a chiseled, muscular frame on top of it like you don't normally see.  It's more mature, considerate, and looks a hell of a lot better.  Like they actually put some money behind making something a bit more than just channel filler.

How does it movie?
It's not that far off from being a real movie.  If it abandoned the Hallmarkie formulae even more it could have been maybe a DTV feature.