A Toast to Hallmarkent: A New York Christmas Wedding
2020, Otoja Abit - Netflix
The Story:
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| Hah, trying for that "Love, Actually" vibe with the poster. |
It was three days ago and already I've forgotten... I shouldn't have been so lazy and made notes along the way.
Opening run-on narration, "In heaven, love comes easy and never goes. I should know, but on earth we all know that learning to love one another is difficult and much more complicated than it should be. In New York City, under those bright lights, there are 8 million people each with their own love story. So, let me take you out to Queens, because this one's personal and it happens to be my favourite."
1999, teenage Jennifer is getting ready for...something. She's getting dressed, making cookies, spiking eggnog and having memories of her best friend. If you didn't know this was a queer love story you'd kind of be questioning what was going on...but then if you didn't know this was a queer movie I'm not sure why you'd be watching it, unless the title tricked you into thinking it was generic Hallmarkie fare.
Cut to young teenage Gabrielle in trashbag Vinny's bedroom...with trashbag vinnie. Jennifer calls, and is angry. Gabby is late, and Jennifer sounds...jealous. They argue, and Jennifer tells Gabby their friendship is over. Her best friend, who was there for her when her mom died, is now, officially dead to her.
20 years later Jennifer is switching careers from Goldman Sachs to veterinary assistant. When they have to put a dog down, Jennifer takes it hard, talking about how her dad died and her best friend died all in the same year. She sees a young lesbian couple canoodling on the subway and smiles a faint smile before looking away.
Back home, she's groped (lovingly) while getting changed in the closet by her fiance. Again, knowing it's a queer love story, I'm not sure how to take this scene, but for how it's portrayed... Jennifer is only rebuffing David's advances because his mom's in the other room. A difficult dinner with Alpha Mommy ensues. Alpha Mommy has decided on the flowers and colour scheme and theme and date for the wedding...3 months... December 24. Jennifer has a bad association with Christmas and this doesn't suit her well. "Honestly David, who had a wedding on Christmas Eve? It is absurd...it is...it is selfish..." You got it Jennifer. Alpha Mommy drives Jennifer to change an go out for a run.
"Jennifer, did I upset you?" Alpha mommy calls out, not a hint of concern in her voice, sipping her martini as Jennifer takes off.
While out jogging, Jennifer witnesses a man on a bike get hit by a car. She tries to control the scene but "Azrael Gabison" (spelling taken from closed captioning...it's important) keeps insisting he's fine...in fact, there's not a scratch on him. The driver takes off and Azrael says "It's a stolen car." Weird, how would he know that.
"You're not even dirty, it's amazing"
"Yeah girl, I'm good"
Azrael and Jennifer have a bit of a heart to heart...or rather just a "heart to". Not a lot of share back from old Azrael. Jennifer says about David "I love him, and I look forward to marrying him"..earnestly, so Azrael says "Ok, so what's the problem." "A Christmas Wedding?" Azrael says "Everyone loves a Christmas Wedding," clearly having met no one, because no one loves a Christmas Wedding.
Azrael tells her that when she wakes up tomorrow, she will see endless possibilities and the answer to her questions. Which makes no sense, especially considering what's to come. As she falls asleep she hears Azrael tell her the same thing again...as if we didn't just hear it or catch on to the weight of it 90 seconds earlier. I hate it when films think the audience is that dumb.
So when Jennifer wakes up, she finds herself in a strange bed, no David beside her, being licked by a strange dog, Smudge. Gabby, 20 years older than she last remembers her, is berating her for still being in bed. Jennifer needs to go walk the dog and they have a meeting with Father Kelly.
Disoriented but going with the flow, Jennifer goes out and walks the dog. While out she runs into Azrael in a back ally. He tells her that he will explain, but yes, this is her home. She insists he take her back to David's place... and in the blink of an eye he teleports them both (dogs too) to David's apartment where a little girl answers the door, calling him Daddy, and then some white lady shows up with another child. Jennifer is clearly confused.
Azrael snaps them back to the ally. He explains he's Jennifer's guardian angel, and that this isn't a dream, but an alternate world, where she's engaged to Gabrielle, who didn't die 20 years ago, neither did her dad. Azrael tells her she has 48 hours to "embrace it all". She goes and visits her father, who is kind of confused by her excessive affection, and she's reminded she's late to meet Gabby at the church.
There she witnesses Gabby conducting someone singing a beautiful, operatic rendition of "Silent Night". They meet with Father Kelly who, although he has supported them and counseled them over the years (and notes that Gabby was his "favourite"), insists that as a part of the Catholic Church he cannot marry them, and they cannot marry in the church. Gabby notes that "Pope Francis welcomes all, and he expects Priests like [him] to usher their parish into modern times".
Father Kelly said "the author of marriage is God, not society, not government, not man, not your priest." Dumb argument. It gets more heated and Gabby really stands up, saying she "feels welcome, but not equal" at his church. She notes their past, and insinuates that Father Kelly supported her (though they don't specify what he "advised her" the insinuation here is she had an abortion) when she found out she was pregnant and disowned by her parents.
They run into fucking Vinny, hes still a gross piece of work. Jennifer knocks him the fuck out. Cause you know, it's a Christmas movie.
After dinner with Jennifer's dad, drinking water instead of tequila due to his heart, they rehash the day 20 years before that they had that fight, that Jennifer told Gabby she was dead to her, the day Gaby got knocked up, the day everything changed. Jennifer gets Gabby's perspective on everything. They go to bed, and make love to "O, Christmas Tree".
Father Kelly watches CNN, where Wolf Blitzer notes an encounter one man had with Pope Frances, that when he told the pope he was gay, the pope responded "God made you like this, God loves you like this." It's a strange moment, cutting to Chris Noth watching TV.
When Jennifer wakes up on Christmas she dresses up for service and Father Kelly reads from the Old Testament, First Corinthians, Chapter 6, verse 9... the verse which all the "religious right" use to condemn homosexuality primarily. A weird way to start your sermon. I'm beginning to think this is not a Hallmark movie.
But he turns it all around. Father Kelly calls it the most misused verse in the bible, people are dying because of it. He stands proudly to proclaim a change to his church, that they will from then on embrace love as love. It's a powerful speech. A few people walk out, and he looks perturbed by their actions... shouting "Love. IS. LOVE! Is there any doubt in your mind."
He then calls up a handful of people to the pulpit and this is where this movie gets contentious(at least on Letterboxd), these are the gay people in his church and he offers them the holy communion, the first for "same sex couples in this church". People on Letterboxd think that he's outing these people, but I'm pretty sure these people are already out, especially if they are couples, so he's not actually outing them, and it's a pretty powerful moment, so long as you don't think he's outing them.
Then, a surprise marriage, and as he says the vows to Jennifer, she thinks of David, and pauses. Her love is torn but she realizes where her true heart is and she says her "I do". A beautiful, badly lit, service in the back of the church arranged by her father ensues. Jennifer changes into a stunning dress Gabby bought her Then Azrael turns up.
Shit gets ominous. The music is so eerie. He tells Jennifer she needs to make her peace with this world, that it's all over. Jennifer, of course, is like, "what the fuck?"
Azrael explains he's the stillborn child of Gabrielle. "Gaby-son". Again, What the fuck?
This experience was for Jennifer to live her truth.
I'm not sure what truth.
Then David shows up and asks Jennifer to come with him. The music is so damn ominous. Then Gaby turns up... as if to say to Jennifer she has to choose who to go to, like a dog being called by co-owners. But no, when she looks at Gaby, she turns back and David is gone. What the fuck.
Jennifer doesn't want to fall asleep, she's so happy with Gabby. But they do and she wakes up to David kissing her. She thinks it's the dog. Why does she think a dog's lick and David's kisses are the same? David's clearly doing something wrong.
She and David have a conversation, she feels okay being back, just shocked. They go to the church, to look for Father Kelly. He's not there anymore but the administrator tells her that Father Kelly was a good man, but removed from the ministry for officiating many private same sex marriages, he even married her and her wife. She learns the story from the admin that Father Kelly counseled Gabby for weeks to keep her child. She followed through only for the baby to be stillborn. She was so depressed she walked through a crosswalk and was hit by a car. This is grim, this movie.
Out in the main churchy area (I'm not a church guy) she explains to David that Gaby was her first love and she had to know what happened. Then she sees Azrael sitting in a pew (David does not). Azrael asks if she's happy.
"It's hard to be right now, but I can be"
"Ok, I'm going to give you the power to make one final choice...I can take you back in time, if that's what you want. I am your guardian angel. However, depending on how far back, I will never be able ti visit you again, and I will cease to exist. Are you okay with that?"
Jennifer faced a life with her truest love and her father being alive, and this Angel thinks that his two-day-old presence in her life matters mire than the potential lifetime with these people. What kind of choice is that? Azrael is weird as hell and I like him, but he really kind of sucks. He's playing so many games with Jennifer.
She ditches David (knowing he'll be okay with his Fortune 500 company and white lady wife) and goes back in time where somehow Gabrielle makes a different choice that fateful day, and she calls Jenny instead. Why there are these differences I don't know, but Jennifer chooses not to say what she feels over the phone. Gaby shows up and they make out and have a wonderful freeze frame forever.
The Draw:
I'm supporting the gay Christmas films this year, so this went on my list when my current favourite reviewer Alonso Duralde mentioned it on his "Christmas Zaddy Minute" on the "Who Shot Ya" podcast. He said it was insane, and he was not wrong.
The Formulae:
While the title SCREAMS Hallmarkie movie...it's got, like, none of the tropes. None.
Unformulae:
All of it. It's all outside of the formula.
True Calling?
I guess? Where a Hallmarkie would spend the whole movie building up the wedding in either (or both) reality, and come up with trite complications to get in the way, here it's less about the wedding than Jennifer's bisexual love triangle...or the absurdity of the Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality? Honestly it's pretty muddle in what it's trying to focus on here.
The Rewind:
I love Father Kelly's sermon (I don't believe for a second he's outing those people). Chris Noth delivers it beautifully with real heartfelt emotion. Love is love. Beautiful.
The Regulars:
Hah, nope. No Hallmark regulars here
How does it Hallmark?
Not even. It's not very feel-good, or upbeat, or even very Christmasy. It gets dark, and bugnuts weird.
How does it movie?
It's cheap looking and the acting can be kind of spotty (not bad, more, we don't have enough time or budget to really perfect a scene), the lighting is often noticeably horrendous, and there's so much shifting-into-focus that it gets a little distracting. The music is a mixed bag, but the last 25 minutes of the film feels like this was meant as an episode of a paranormal anthology like the Outer Limits or Black Mirror (it's not as good as even the worst Black Mirror though). Yeah, like a middling episode of an anthology TV show, not a movie.
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