A Toast to Hallmarkent
(2020, d. Linda-Lisa Hayter - Hallmark)
The Story:
If you recall the events of last year's trip into the most Christmassy Town on Earth, Hannah found love with her best friend since childhood, Elliott, and Michelle was proposed to by Thomas. Also, the end of last year's tale teased that the creepy elderly twins from Netflix's A Series of Unfortunate Events (and also the new Charmed series according to the many commercials that play between the Hallmark movies on W Network), the Cooper sisters, would be playing a central role in this year's Evergreen tale.
Turns out their involvement in this year's tale is largely tangential. But we'll get to that.
As is the Evergreen formulae, we open with the storybook and narration from Evergreen resident Nick, who may or may not be the magical being Santa Clause. Nick gets interrupted by Hannah who proceeds to woman-splain the events of the past three movies much more succinctly than I did. Some storytelling needs a woman's touch. Anyway.
Back in Evergreen, Elliott's management of Hannah's family tinker shop has been doing very well, so well that Elliott wants to expand to a satellite store(?shop?) in Boston. He gets the grant he needs for the expansion. Hannah is excited for Elliott, but not for herself. Elliott seems to have found his purpose, Hannah is still searching. They have a conversation about how the people of Evergreen see them. I thought they were talking about maybe some deeper sort of racial thing, alas it's just as surface level as it appears.
These two big questions are posed to Hannah in the first ten minutes and by minute 20, she's got her answers. This is not a soul searching quest of a movie. At. All. Hannah talks with Allie's hot mom (Allie makes a return appearance, Ashley Williams dropping by for a day shoot for this scene and a cut-in later, and so does Allie's stepdaughter Zoe, who has gotten very teenagery... I thought for sure they were going to try and massage a puppy love story between Zoe and David) and asks her point blank how the townspeople see her. Hot Mom responds with "Well, we see you as wonderful...you do so much. In fact, sometimes I think you do too much. You say yes to everything....The job, the choir, any favor anybody ever asked of you.... You're so like your mama. Ambitious, and passionate and caring. That's how the town saw her, and that's how we see you."
So that's one answer down. (Hannah then leads the choir into a very atonal rendition of Jingle Bells, that old church choir staple).
Hannah then visits the work-in-progress Evergreen Christmas Museum, the brainchild of Mayor Michelle. They talk about how people should know Evergreen's history and for a moment there I thought they were going to talk about some dark secret, but no, it's just about Christmas. They're 10 days to the grand opening at the Christmas Festival and Michelle has had no luck finding a suitable applicant to be manager of the museum, and she's busy planning her Christmas Day wedding(seriously Michelle?!? I guess when practically everyone you know lives in Evergreen or comes back for Christmas you don't really think twice, but what about Thomas' friends and faamily? Are you really forcing them to travel for Christmas?! What did Jennifer from A New York Christmas Wedding say... "It is absurd...it is...it is selfish..." Effing right it is.) to manage the launch properly. Of course Hannah nominates herself for the job, which Michelle enthusiastically accepts. She basically tosses Hannah the keys and there's a cartoon dust trail as she races out the door so fast.
Back at the Tinker Shop, Hannah has the good news for Elliott that in the span of an afternoon she's become both self-aware and has found her true purpose (running the Museum...). Elliott is committed to Boston so they decide it's time to take a break. It would be a much bigger deal if there was any romantic chemistry between Rukiya Bernard and Antonio Cayonne... I mean, their characters were supposed to be lifelong pals, having grown up together, but their dynamic screams "brother and sister" not "lovers".
Ex-mayor Ezra's also back for a cameo or two...he said Boston kind of sucks. He's still looking for a job, and he broke up with his boyfriend ... Oliver, who if you recall, was Lisa's business partner from the second Evergreen. Oliver was clearly gay but they never bothered to mention it at all... to the point that Oliver and Lisa's friendship was used as a reason to keep Kevin and Lisa apart. Silly. Likewise, this is the fourth film where Ezra appears and this is the first confirmation that he is gay as well, nevermind having hooked up with a previously introduced character. Sigh.
Meanwhile, Michelle is getting nervous since Thomas is skyping or facetiming or zooming her to let her know that inclement weather may keep him from Evergreen...and their wedding! To soften the blow Michelle's sister Sonya shows up. She's not into this Christmas town. It's weird, but she gets one look at Kevin's dad, the Christmas tree farmer and starts thirsting. But all it amounts for in this show is a few flirty glances between them. Come on, Evergreen, get your shit together!
Later Michelle and Sonya's dad shows up. Michelle was warned there was bad blood between her and her dad...and when he arrives with the white lady, well...that's the reason why right there. Though sidestepping the race thing, it's because Sonya feels it's too soon after their mom passed (plus Sonya is hungry for that white man tree farmer so it's not a race thing). Long story short, Sonya and dad's ladyfriend bond over watching It's A Wonderful Life while drinking cocoa with a candy cane in it.
Hm, what else. Oh so despite being on a break, Hannah and Elliott kiss sitting at the church piano (like in the last movie, only sadder, and kind of grosser... like, your kissing siblings). Thomas confirms the weather is going to keep him away from the wedding (good thing the sum total of people who traveled to Evergreen explicitly for Thomas and Michelle's wedding was 3). Mayor Michelle is so bummed.
David and Michelle's family plan a romantic webcam visit with Thomas (not sure how Michelle did that hair all by herself, but well done!) which they surprise her with, and it's sweet, but it's not the Evergreen Christmas wedding we were promised, likely as a result of COVID. Maybe they can do an Evergreen Christmas in July wedding special?
Oh and then this cantankerous old coot shows up, angry about what's happened to the Hat Factory (where the Museum resides) he ran into the ground decades earlier, and demands the museum shutter itself immediately. As if Hannah didn't have enough of her plate, she has to deal with the Cooper twin's older brother who, somehow with a 1/3 share in the building, is able to railroad everything. But a fateful breakdown in Allie's grandfather's red truck (still being driven around like the town whore) sends grumpy old man back to the factory to see a video of his sisters talking about what the hat factory and their brother meant to the town, and he has a change of heart. The fact that Santa (who was most certainly not Nick was there to help fix the truck had not impact at all on what was actually the main storyline of the movie but I glossed over because it was pretty dull and stupid,
In the end, Hannah has her dream job, Elliott decides to compromise and commute between the Boston satellite and the Evergreen fix-it shop, like this was a sudden realization that never dawned on them before. Oh and Allie's pregnant.
The Draw:
It's Evergreen dammit. I *had* to check in on this weird-ass little town.
The Formulae:
So much hot chocolate. Supposedly playmantic snowball fight. Someone getting delayed from a big event due to weather. Real life complication resolved without taking into account real life complexity. Someone who hates Christmas that the lead character has to help turn around.
Unformulae:
Well, the person delayed my inclement weather is actually delayed and can't make the thing. Whaat? The lead character's efforts to turn the old crank around backfires and it's a bit of magic and/or happenstance that inevitably does turn him around. So many Black faces, so wonderful to see. The town was so white 4 movies ago with token black roles. I said then I wanted to see both Rukiya Bernard and Holly Robinson Peet front and center and they kept creeping up with each film to now dominating Evergreen. Too bad the Wedding payoff was such a bummer, and that Hannah's love interest is dullsville.
True Calling?
Yes and no. While it's always "Christmas in Evergreen", "Bells are Ringing" is a dumb subtitle which they try to make fit by shoehorning in some music bells into the choir for two quick scenes. I've had enough of shitty pretend music bell playing for this year, thanks Feliz NaviDAD)
The Rewind:
I had to rewind the look Sonya was giving Kevin's tree-farming dad. It's not as blatant as I first thought, yet she winds up sitting next to him at their family feast (I keep forgetting Thomas is Hannah's brother, therefore David is her niece and Michelle's going to be her sister-in-law).
Oh, and cranky old man was told by Santa to go fetch a wrench to help fix the truck, and he comes back with... a plumbers wrench.
The Regulars:
It's all regulars... we more need to talk about who's new.
Marci T. House as Sonya has been in Rocky Mountain Christmas in 2017 and this year's Cranberry Christmas and more.
Jerry Wasserman, as cranky Jeb Cooper, has just started his Hallmarkie career this year (probably due to COVID restrictions) he's in three of them. A mid-season romance Love Under the Olive Tree and another Hallmark Christmas with Christmas She Wrote.
How does it Hallmark?
It certainly feels like Hallmark.
How does it Evergreen?
It's not great. Diminishing returns it seems with each go around to this festive town. I don't like that cranky old man plot took away from the Sonya and Kevin's Dad hookup, or the David and Zoe hookup. Two plot lines (as well as a wedding, for real
this time) ready to go for the next one.
Oh and a spin off in Detroit where Oliver tries to win back Ezra's affections while Ezra is running Elliott's Boston satellite shop. Make it work.
How does it movie?
Bad. Real bad.
I am thinking this is the year that I will go green, Evergreen !
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