A Toast to Hallmarkent The Knight Before Christmas (2019, Netflix)
The Story: Sir Cole (Josh Whitehouse), a 14th-century Knight is out in the woods of Norwich for fun and games when he encounters an old crone (you ever heard of a young crone?). He's trying to be galliant and bring the crone back to the castle and out of the cold, but she rewards him by spiriting him away to 2019 Ohio, on a quest for what he's always searched for (unsaid, it's true love). But, she says, if he fails, he shall never become a true knight.
He lands in the middle of a Christmas fair, where, in full knight regalia, he's instantly a bit hit with the ladies. Speaking of big hits, he's a little disoriented as it starts to snow heavily, he stumbles around and is accidentally run over by Brooke (Vanessa Hudgens), a school teacher. The all to friendly cops arrive and, after checking him out, infer that he either has amnesia or is delusional. Against all rational judgement and sense of personal safety, Brooke offers up her guest house to the guy who either has head trauma or is crazy.
Cole, has a shower and emerges in a towel. Brooke gets thirsty. (Beefcake and reaction to beefcake, this ain't your 48-year-old grandma's Hallmark movie...) Cole learns the ways of Alexa (this Netflix movie is sponsored by Amazon?), binge watching junk reality TV, and does all those corny things displaced people from the past do in modern day. Being completely out of one's element is funny, because they look stupid not knowing stuff they couldn't possibly know. He starts teaching Brooke's niece how to sword fight, and Brooke's sister loses all sense of composure around him. Brooke's neighbour, falling decidedly into the frienemy camp, comes over to eye up the thirst trap. ("Toodle-pip" he says instead of goodbye). Brooke starts to entertain the fact that Cole may be legitimately time displaced.
But just because Netflix's Hallmark movies are a little sexier doesn't mean they're also not wholesome. Brooke hosts a Christmas feast for the less fortunate and Cole is invited to help out. Shopping at a Walmart Cole samples their dinner rolls and comments on how highly processed food is crap. Off to Cole showing Brook how to knead dough (because Cole, as a squire, worked in the kitchen, as squires do). But sexy making bread time is interrupted when Brooke's niece goes missing in a blizzard. Sir Cole (seemingly impervious to the cold) comes to the rescue, because of his awesome knight tracking skills. A kiss is interrupted by Brooke's brother in law.
Cole stops a pickpocket at the Christmas fair, and then gets basically offered a job on the force ('cause that's how that works)... if he can pass the psyche exam. Still he seeks his quest (still doesn't know it's true love, the dummy) and thinks he shall never become a true knight. On Christmas eve, they get dressed up for the dinner, they almost kiss, but are interrupted by a text. The dinner goes smashing and Brooke and Cole kiss (with 20 minutes left to go) under mistletoe which triggers Cole's recall medallion and he returns home. Brooke is heartbroken. Cole returns home just in time to have a brief conversation with his brother and return back to Brooke for a grand Christmas reunion (and he brought his horse this time). Love is magic you guys. And Christmas, it's magic too you guys.
The Draw:
I always dismissedVanessa Hudgens. I was certainly too old and not the target market for her teen High School Musical and Disney Channel stardom, and the years that followed it seemed like she was playing into that kid-star mold until Spring Breakers, which seemed almost a desperate ploy to break out of that mold (alongside a batch of kid-stars trying to break out of the mold). It seemed to work. I didn't give Hudgens a chance until the charming if unfocussed Powerless in 2017. She was the commanding lead of that show and had great straight-man comedic timing...plus that wonderful smile won me over. Last year's The Princess Switch was Netflix's big coming out as a Hallmark Channel rival with these kind of movies, and it was, to be honest, better than almost all Hallmark Channel movies. I was keen to learn that Hudgens is going to be the Candice Cameron-Bure of these for Netflix, and The Knight Before Christmas became top-of-the-heap holiday watching.
The Formulae:
Brooke's jaded about love presents itself early on when she coaches a pre-teen student who just faced a break-up to focus more on her goals and less about love. This jaded attitude about love doesn't really present itself anywhere else though. There are a lot of near-miss kisses. Oh and a tree-buying sequence. There's a Santa in the Christmas fair who may be the real Santa (not quite sure though...they play it coy. Of course, having a magic crone AND Santa in the same film is a bit much).
A vague town event with a non-descript purpose. The movie all leads to that thing, which isn't much of a thing, all told, except a setting to get the leads dressed up all nice and kiss. So it does its job and finds and draws out a few Christmas feels along the way.
Hallmark films aren't above a time travel story, so that's truly a formula, where the traveler has to choose between love and home...I assume (I haven't actually watched one).
They introduce a neighbour who could be a complication, but she never is. These types of movies don't really care to much about interpersonal conflict or drama.
Oh yeah, and dead parents!
Unformulae:
The usual Hallmark movie is usually female-centric, or from the women's focus, but this one seems almost balanced as being both Cole's story (finding his quest, learning to be a true knight), and Brooke's learning to overcome her jaded attitude towards love.
Bi-racial couples and multi-ethnicity casting abound like it ain't no thing (because it ain't). Hallmark Channel movies still haven't really joined the 90's yet in this regard, but Netflix is showing it's no biggie.
A kiss happens between the leads, and not at the very end of the movie.
Beefcake! BEEFCAKE! Shirtless dude scene, women with lust in their eyes. There's never even the hint of sex in a normal Hallmark Channel movie, but over at Netflix, they know that modern ladies aren't so puritanical.
There's also a mid-credits scene setting up a sequel. It looks like Sir Cole's brother, the just knighted Sir Geoffrey may be taking on a romance quest of his own next year... depending on how this one plays, I suppose.
True Calling?:
It's called The Knight Before Christmas and it's about a knight who shows up before Christmas. Yep, that tracks.
The Rewind:
When the pickpocket is getting handcuffed. One cop (the great "hey that guy!" character actor Arnold Pinnock) who's got the kid's arm held behind his back lets go, the kids arms drop, and the actor playing the female cop is a beat or two behind the scene and steps in to take over. The kid remembers he's supposed to be getting handcuffed and just puts his hands behind his back in anticipation of being cuffed. At least the foreground conversation got captured perfectly...good enough!
The Regulars:
Hudgens is in her second go-around with the Netflix Hallmark-esque movies (let's call them "Nallmarxs") and yeah, she can keep coming back for these each year. I'm in on that. She's a charming romantic lead.
Though they don't really sell the medieval Norwich setting as honest 14th-century, Whitehouse does make for a dashing knight-esque figure, and he has all the chivalry and propriety one would expect from a fairy-tale knight.
Brooke's sister is played by Emmanuelle Chriqui, who could so easily lead one of these things. Make it happen Netflix!
How does it Hallmark?
Honestly, it looks better than every Hallmark movie, and I like a lot of things about it that distinguish it from Hallmark. It seems bigger budget and higher quality overall, even though it's really doing the same thing. The thing about Hallmark movies is usually they're so bad or so formulaic they're entertaining. You take most of the formulaicness or the badness out of it and you're just kind of a generic movie instead. So, as much as I like VanHudg, I would probably prefer to do the Hallmark drinking game against an actual Hallmark movie than watch this.
How does it movie?
It really is more cinematic. Netflix, not realizing that they can go super-cheap like Hallmark does is still using the cameras with the good lenses and putting some quality production values into their Christmas town and set-ups. Their set and Christmas decorations don't look like they came from the dollar store. But it's that very thing that's the problem. Instead of feeling like a high-quality Hallmark, it feels instead like a not great big studio romcom.
I found the leads charming together but this didn't really work for me. I know it's a "romantic fantasy" but I didn't buy that Sir Cole wouldn't have greater culture shock, nor that Brooke wouldn't be more wary of this guy. And there's that whole ridiculously illogical sequence where Brooke gives this mentally unstable/possible guy from 650 years ago the keys to her car and lets him drive through town, which is careless, reckless, and absolutely dangerous. Bad Brooke! Bad script! You both should know better.
The Knight Before Christmas, 2019, Monika Mitchell (Revenge Porn) -- Netflix
Sorry, I had to add that "also did". Mitchell has a long list of "TV Movies" in her repertoire, so I can only assume she solely directs for one or more cable networks, Hallmark perhaps?
But here, on Netflix, she brings a solid yet typical Xmas Romance movie.
*ahem*
"Crone! Crone! Crone!" yells Sir Cole (Josh Whitehouse; Poldark) as he wanders the forest just outside the castle where he and his brother live. I don't remember why (Hallmarkish movies never seem to stick in my brain) but he's in the forest with his horse when he is confronted by a not very crone-ish looking old woman who says he has to find his purpose. And she has a magical pendant that sends Sir Cole into the far future.
Meanwhile in the far future, Brooke (Vanessa Hudgens; Sucker Punch), a jilted teacher in picturesque small town Bracebridge, Ohio (actually, Bracebridge, Ontario), bumps into Sir Cole, Thor-style. Ever polite & chivalric Sir Cole immediately forgives her as he does his best to figure out this whole new world with big metal beasts (nit pick; they should have been big metal carriages) and why the fuck he was sent here. After being hit, but announcing who he is (a knight from the past), a Nice Cop releases him into Brooke's custody. Cuz, Nice Cop, nice Brooke.
Brooke lives in the absolutely massive house she couldn't afford to own, but which she inherited, which also happens to have a fully separate guest house, into which she installs Sir Cole, because Brooke is just that nice kind of small town gal, who is willing to take a total stranger, but also one who is either psychotic (thinks he's a time travelling knight) or in the very least an amnesiac unknown.
Sir Cole speed-watches his knowledge of the modern world via some all night Netflix binging, including Holiday in the Wild. But still, there is Fish Out of Water a plenty, with all the requisite confusions and anachronistic misconceptions. And he puts Alexa in the freezer. But he does adapt spectacularly, and gets wrapped up in Brooke's life, with her ex (dick who left her for another woman), her sister (Emmanuelle Chriqui; Entourage) & niece, and the charity feast she is arranging.
IIRC she is trying to give him a comfortable surrounding while she, and Nice Cop, wait for his memory to return. So, she allows him to assist her with this charity event. He teaches her how to bake proper bread (cuz medieval bread and modern bread have so much in common!), he learns to drive (very observative knight!), they attend the small town Christmas Fair, all the while Sir Cole is trying to figure out what his Quest is, so he can complete it and return home in time for his brother to be knighted.
Eventually, Cole, in his every mis-guided path to discover his True Quest realizes that he is attracted to Brooke. Charity Event leads to dance event, where she emerges in the most stunning red dress. He realizes his True Quest was to fall in love and *POOF* blue smoke and he has returned to castle land just in time for his brother's knighting. Oh dear, Brooke has been jilted again.
And just when we think all is lost (do we? really?), Crone shows up again and *POOF* Sir Cole is sent back to the future (tee hee) where he and Brooke kiss for the first time, to live happily ever after.
The Draw: Two reasons: Time Travel and Vanessa Hudgens. She is becoming one of the staples in these movies and has been in a couple already, including last year's The Princess Switch which was about a baking competition in a foreign country. Of course, being a Disney Club kid, she fits well into the Sweet Girl mould.
The Formulae: Of yeah, formula all over. As we go through these, as I actually watch more of them, I will become more and more aware of said formulas, of the identifiable tropes. For example, the red dress!! Many of these will end on a dance based event, into which the lead actress will reveal herself wearing the most stunning red dress. Brooke's is rather fetching. And winter fairs. Every picturesque small town has to have a winter and/or Christmas fair, which the two will saunter through pondering deep thoughts and denying they are attracted to each other. Also, bad previous relationship. Every young woman has to have a recent breakup, and Brooke had hers, and bemoans the fact that no White Knight ever came to save her. Ding ding ding!!
Unformulae: Well, duh... do any of these movies ever involve time travel? Maybe its a producer's way of connecting the popularity of Game of Thrones with the formula?
True Calling? Oh yes, yes the title and movie are a match made at Hallmark. And they even pun it all up!
The Rewind: Wait? Are they watching... yes, the are Netflix-ing and chilling (in the most accurate to the description and chaste version) and, oh Netflix you silly scamp, they are seeing clips from OTHER Netflix holiday romances.
The Regulars: I will take a while before I see the familiar faces, but obviously Hudgens will be in a few more of these Netflix ones.
How does it Hallmark? This is about pretty average. Once the Sir Fish Out of Water fades out in record time, the standard play points are there, and as forgettable as usual. The supporting characters are already forgotten, and have little part to play in the overall story.
How does it movie? Nope. I am lucky I remembered as much as I did. So, no not good movie material at all. But do they have to be?
The poster screams "Hallmark" but it's actually a real movie, and a good one too.
I thought only for a minute about using the "A Toast to Hallmarkent" template on this film, but almost instantly I realized it didn't fit the mold. Firstly, it centers around a guy, and the Hallmark movies don't center around their films around the guy, certainly not to this exclusivity. Secondly, this one's not really a Christmas romance story, even though that is in there too, but it's not the main focus. Thirdly, it uses "Holiday" in the title, and not "Christmas", even though it's definitely a Christmas movie and not a "holiday" movie. Fourth, it's got a soundtrack with real songs, so there's legit good music in here (who doesn't want to kick off their Christmas with Run-DMC?). Plus, it's a quality production, and doesn't have that gauzy Hallmark look to it.
In the film, Romany Malco plays Rush Williams, a widower, father of four, and very successful top-rated drive-time radio DJ. When his station is suddenly bought out by a national broadcasting firm, Rush is laid off as the new owners go with a different choice for their national slot. Rush's longtime producer Roxy (Star Trek Discovery's Sonequa Martin-Green) learns that another recently shuttered radio station is up for sale and suggests they buy it together. Roxy's business plan is tight and she sways Rush, but in order to get the capital to buy the building and run the station, Rush needs to sell their estate. His son just got accepted to Harvard, his oldest daughter is desperate to keep up with her rich-girl friends, and his youngest girls, twins, want nothing less than a mini-horse for Christmas. They don't react to the news that their dad lost their job, the house is being sold, and they have to move into their old house where their Great Aunt Jo now lives.
A riches-to-rags story is not the most unconventional Christmas tale, but it works so well here because the film dedicates itself to its family. In what could have been a very cheesy moment, Rush talks with his dead wife, and Malco deftly navigates the pain, love and wistfulness in the scene. Later he discovers thumb drives full of pictures and videos his wife meticulously organized, and he and the kids revisit some wonderful past times that were held in the old house... all except Jamal, who is still pained by all the loss and sacrifice he's had to face.
The movie shows these moments are also healing ones for Rush, and he finally accepts that it's okay to move on, Roxy is there for him, as she has been for years. The film plays this relationship with an exceptionally natural progression. They have a very charming and familiar relationship and in a way, Roxy is already integrated with the family. She's been supporting him all along with no ulterior motives, but when she starts to see he's ready to accept love again, she's ready for both giving and receiving. Hallmark movies are so chaste in their depiction of romance, so many of those movies have characters dance around their feelings towards each other to such a degree that in most cases it doesn't ever seem like they do. Here, there's not only chemistry between Malco and Martin-Green but a connection between their characters that is so much deeper than just "the holiday spirit" or whatnot.
Revealing their pairing to the family results in squeals of "FINALLY" from the girls and Aunt Jo, but Jamal isn't having it. He goes missing on Christmas Eve, and when Rush finally catches up to him, the heart-to-heart they have is one of the realest, most self aware conversations I've ever seen in a film like this. Rush sees exactly where he failed as a father, by trying to "stay brave" in front of the kids he didn't show them how to grieve, he didn't show them how to face pain. He has also been covered up their grief by buying them things and spoiling them. They have a lot of joy in their life but also hardships and they can easily deal with one but not the other. It's a profound moment that brought me to tears. Real man-tears. For manly men to have.
This has its comedic moments (like when the twins start a Go Fund Me) and a few good lines throughout ("Why'd I have to have smart kids? Dumb kids are so much cheaper"), and Deon Cole is always welcome comic relief. But it's a film about family, and making it through tough times together. The spirit of Christmas is about family and this film is a total "show don't tell". It's charming, heartfelt and very likeable.
Holiday in the Wild, 2019, Ernie Barbarash (Christmas Inheritance) -- Netflix
The Story: Kate (Kristin Davis; Sex and the City), her husband and their son are faking a Christmas photo in August, on purpose, which made me chuckle because I had just assumed this was your typical shot in summer but not bothering to mask the backgrounds that are obviously summer. But no, she likes to get the Family Xmas Photo out of the way now, so she can plan the Xmas Cards. Of note, Dad is not interested, even though they have likely been doing this for ages. He also cannot get off his phone, as he is Workaholic Dad. Of note, he's a dick.
Kate is wealthy, New York penthouse wealthy. Husband is likely a lawyer, but I didn't pay attention enough to confirm this. She lunches with the ladies (an obvious nod at the actress's previous life) but doesn't do much else. But she likes her life. That is, until Dad ends it. He is not happy, but he doesn't really explain WHY he is not happy, nor give her the chance to actually understand. He just dumps and runs. Remember, he's a dick.
Kate had been planning their "second honeymoon", a trip to a resort in Zambia. So rather than wallow, she actually heads off. The wealthy really know how to indulge a breakup, replacing Netflix binges and pints of ice cream with weeks long trips to Africa. Upon arrival, in the hotel in the capital city, she accepts the packaged meal (for two) and gets uninvited snark from Derek (Rob Lowe, The Grinder), some guy who just wandered in and started commenting on her. Immediately he dubs her "New York". She storms off in a huff, leaving the seafood meal for two, for him.
The next day she's off to the bush plane that will take her to the proper resort. Guess who the pilot is? Derek! More snark. But then they make a pitstop, landing in the scrub. Derek has spotted an orphaned baby elephant. He radios in assistance and is rather surprised that Kate is actually concerned, not the typical self-absorbed New Yorker he expected. Rather than move onto her resort, she actually wants to carry on with the truck, to the Elephant Orphanage. And that's where the real movie begins.
This wasn't really a Christmas movie. The "holiday" is just her heading off to Africa in August, and well, just never leaving. And technically, she never actually goes on holiday. She never actually makes it to the resort. The entire movie takes place in the Elephant Orphanage. And it is there that we learn all about CGI elephant babies and maybe a wee bit about the impact of poaching in Africa. And, of course, she catches the eye of Derek the pilot, who actually grew up at the Orphanage, and returned after he lost his wife. They banter, they snark and they share but, they never really hit if off.
The Christmas element, that which Netflix used to preview the movie, comes midway where "Christmas in Africa is all week and the presents are homemade". Dad has flown in Son, who has left college to pursue his music career, to spend the holiday with his mom. Oh, I forgot to mention that Kate extended her stay. Yes, she has been there since September -- remember, rich soon-divorcee.
Around then we add in the worry that the orphanage will close due to lack of funding. So, after Kate eventually DOES return to New York, she raises boatloads of money so the place can run without worry of foundations or funding. And we mean BOATLOADS -- each check is about $75k to a couple of hundred thousand. And there are stacks. Eventually Kate realizes that money is not enough, and the place needs her, so she quits her (relatively new) job at the vet and returns to hook up with Derek and live happily ever after.
The Draw: Well, basically, because almost all of these movies are where attractive 20/30somethings meetup and within a week, fall in love. Usually in picturesque small towns. But this one was where 50somethings (Kristin is two years older than me!) meet in Africa, and actually take time to get to know each other! And baby elephants.
The Formulae: As I mentioned, this is not really an Xmas movie, so the expected formula wasn't present; pun intended. But, for the middle-aged demographic, the formula of the unexpected single woman running into the perfect man in the least expected place is played through to its fullest. Also, toss in some will-they-won't-they, as all romance stories have, and its pretty by the books.
Unformulae: Kent pointed out that most of these movies are pretty chaste, in that there is often no acknowledgement of the crush (cuz, really what else can it be?) until the very end, with a long awaited single kiss. Well, as this one is about more seasoned people, we get three kisses -- one to signify Derek's desire, after which Kate pulls away, one where they acknowledge their mutual attraction, interrupted by Derek's Hot Blonde Thang, and finally, after Kate returns to Africa to be with her baby elephant, and, I guess, also Derek.
True Calling? Of course it does. With only a slight misinterpretation of what a holiday is, as in "she goes on holiday", the movie is primarily about the wilds of Africa and her escape from home. Still kinda peeved it wasn't really about the holiday season, if but for a couple of brief scenes.
The Rewind: Nothing worth watching again, but I could have found myself pausing or rewinding to confirm: 1) entirely CGI baby elephant for closeup or 2) green-screened baby elephant in wide shot. I am pretty sure there are some real elephants in this, but not baby elephants.
The Regulars: Nope, not a one. But I can see Rob Lowe finding a niche for himself here. If the idea of the older budding romance takes off for this market, he was completely believable and charming in his place in this movie.
How does it Hallmark? Not cheesy enough? Not clean enough? As in, they are actually in the out doors and not entirely shot on sound stages. In many ways its more a bid for middle-aged women who watch The W Network to contribute to real life elephant orphanages.
How does it movie? No, there is no way this could be considered a Good Movie. It is entirely milquetoast and even though the two leads are very ship-able, there just isn't enough of a movie really there. Most of the time I kept on wondering if anything was going to happen. It just seemed anecdotal of two people who find each other in the African wilds, just not telling enough real story. The conflict that has to happen is bare minimum, the strain between the two is almost immediately dispensed with and nobody really does anything. I am sure they found some scenes to fill in the spaces between the two charming leads being charming to each other, but heck if I can remember.
A Toast to Hallmarkent I'm Not Ready For Christmas (2015)
The Story:
We meet Denver advertising account manager, Holly (Alicia Witt), in the midst of one of her habitual lying sprees. She's trying to land a big account at work ("fashion designer Greydon DuPois" who is more an LL Bean/Eddie Bauer-type than Vogue type, not really what you're thinking for the term "fashion designer"), and in doing so would bump her up to partner (because that's how that works). She runs into Drew (George Stults) when she steals his cab, telling him a lie about her sister giving birth. At a work party, she runs into Drew again (why was he at her work party? Weird) and they hit it off but she's stuck perpetuating the lie, plus she's married to her job, so no more dating. She keeps missing her niece Anna's holiday events (tree lighting, Christmas concert), and bailing on her promises. Anna talks to a street Santa and he asks what she wants for Christmas. She responds it's for her aunt to stop lying. Holly arrives after the concert is over only to run into Drew, who it turns out is Anna's music teacher, and calls her out on her lies. Blossoming romance DOA. Then, outside, Holly runs into the very judgemental street Santa who, in a very threatening manner, tells Holly "I'm going to make sure Anna gets what she wants for Christmas." (The Wonder Years' Dan Lauria is really bringing it as this Santa). Santa casts his spell and this bobo LiarLiar gets in full swing.
With her inability to lie shocking her and everyone else all morning, Holly makes amends with Anna (because Anna acutely understands her wish came true). She then has a chance run-in with Drew at the supermarket (is Denver really that small) and her truth telling ways start warming him over. Then they go Christmas tree shopping and have a meaningful chat over hot chocolate (you known like you do) where he tells her, basically, he was cheated on and doesn't trust liars (who does!?). He drops her off at home (no kiss). Holly peruses her family albums (intoning that her career- mindedness means she's missing out on quality family time), then goes and has a heart-to-heart with the street Santa again for some reason (street Santa is really sticking to his belief he's the real Santa). Holly's truth telling nearly gets her fired, but it's that very truth telling that secures the $20million DuPois account (I thought she'd already done that?). Cue the working montage.
Holly pays another couple visits to Santa (who has now become her therapist, I guess?), and she invites Drew out to caroling where she sings terribly (bravura tonedeaf performance by Witt) and then he drops her off at home and he invites her out on a date ...and then they shake hands...! (but she does blurt out "I also would have been okay with you kissing me goodnight". Yes Holly!) Holly then reconnects with her sister after years of distance. The complication, however, is Greydon DuPois calls and demands she comes out to Aspen to show their progress on the campaign, which means she's going to miss her date with Drew (in most non-Hallmark movies he would be overtly creeping on her, if not threatening her and abusing his position to try and force her into doing unsavory things, but in a Hallmark movie his creepo-ness is all subtext, and honestly kind of works better, if only they let Witt play her discomfort more)... but thanks to her truth and honesty she manages to bail, make her date and keep the account. But, new wrinkle, Drew is jealous of Greydon Dupois and, another new wrinkle, Drew is suddenly offered a job at Northwestern in Chicago, which makes Holly upset. Drew drops her off at home where flowers from Greydon await, causing jealous Drew to storm off in a huff (once more, no kiss, obvs). Then as she professes her love to him he drops the bomb that he's accepted the job and is off to Chicago on Xmas eve. Anna, realizing that her wish is actually harming her aunt's happiness asks Santa if she can take back her wish.
At the Christmas' Eve fashion show (the unfortunately typical no-budget "big" gathering Hallmark movies) creepo Greydon DuPois reveals (in a cartoonish Mr. Burns-style moment) that the whole campaign Holly built is based off a lie, and Holly has to decide, does she keep her job and get the promotion or tell the truth? Of course she does, and her boss is proud of her and gives her the promotion even though he just lost a 20 million dollar deal and is likely getting sued. But also Anna switched her wish, getting Drew snowed in so he could stay at least for Christmas. Holly and Drew finally get that kiss and profess their love. Movie over...except for the definite time-filling epilogue where Holly makes other amends and kisses Drew grossing out Anna.
The Draw: Both Alicia Witt (I've thought she was cute going back to the Cybill days) and the little-bit-of-fantasy premise is a stand-out for these typically generic movies.
The Formulae:
Ok, the formula. So, we have busy working woman, too busy for love and family, who meets a nice guy but doesn't think she can get together with him because she's so busy. She's also going for the big promotion/account at Christmas. And then there's a guy dressed as Santa who turns out to ACTUALLY BE SANTA (NO!?!). There's the search for the perfect tree, accompanied by an inauspicious outdoor sit-down to hot chocolate. Also in Holly's backstory, the tragic death of her parents when she was 13, so formulaic. And the complications all have to happen on Christmas Eve which is usual for these films.
Unformulae:
There's a theme song, which is jarring. There's usually never an actual song, other than janky Christmas carols in these films. This theme...it's not my favourite thing, but after a few listens on youtube it's not as bracing as I originally found it. This one has a Ben Folds-esque jazz bounce that sets my teeth on edge.
Also, this movie has honest conversations. It's something we rarely see in Hallmark movies. Usually it's characters pussyfooting around their feelings, but because of the premise, Holly is very forthright with Drew about her feelings for him, which, for the most part, causes him to be open with her.
While late quarter complications are standard, these ones are pretty distinct, and very specific to the scenario (her inability to lie means that she's also unable to edit what she says to omit the truth).
True Calling?
If I had to guess, I would say that Witt already had a song called "I'm Not Ready For Christmas" which the film's producers said "hey, we can use that for the film's title and we can use the song as our theme" (these things never have a theme song). The song and the title have NOTHING at all to do with the movie. The song is about a woman who's just frustrated with the demands of Christmas and kind of wants nothing to do with it (not very Hallmarkish sentiments). Why isn't it called The Truth of Christmas or something? I swear they intentionally title these things so inappropriately and generically so you don't remember them.
[update: I see "I'm Not Ready For Christmas" is copyright 2013, and also the "non radio friendly" version above has swearing in it...]
The Rewind:
The very end, Anna's second muttering of "gross" after seeing Holly and Drew (awkwardly) kiss at the dinner table. So funny when the actors have to adlib to fill time.
The Regulars:
Witt has been doing these Hallmark things for a decade or so. I've seen bits and pieces of another (Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane) where she seemed distracted and was phoning it in, but she is on her game here. She seems to revel in the opening deceitful scenes, but also manages to convey that she thinks her lies are rather harmless. But she's even better running at the mouth spouting truths uncontrollably in spite of herself. She seems to be having immense fun. The performance is something like a hybrid of Kristen Bell's Eleanor on The Good Place and Ellie Kemper's on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It's quite great (and would probably be even better if they didn't have to shoot these things so cheaply and quickly).
Stults seemed familiar to me, but looking at his resume it's not from anything I've watched (I thought maybe it was because he was a 7th Heaven regular but none of the Funny or Die's "A Very Special Episode" videos using the show have featured him. Stults' performance is half-hearted, it's like he wants to be interested in doing his best, but he also feels that a Hallmark movie is perhaps a little beneath him (it's not). I may just be reading into things.
Holly has a sister in the film, Rose (mother to Anna), played by Brigid Brannagh. Brannagh has been everywhere, in so many detective, comedy and genre TV shows, most recently as Gert's mom on Runaways. She's great but really relegated to a side role. Even her trouble with her ex-husband only comes out when Anna is talking 1-on-1 with Holly... and when Holly wants to reconnect, it's mostly Holly gushing about Drew, and not getting into the deep dish Anna let her in on. Anyway, Brannagh had her own Hallmark feature in 2011 called A Crush On You(with Sean Patrick Flannery and ...Michael Clark Duncan!?). Haven't seen it, but she's awesome and is likely way too busy to do more of these front-and-center, but I'd happily watch her in them.
How does it Hallmark?
Honestly, of the Hallmarks I've seen this is among the best. For now I'm going to put it right behind my favourite, Nine Lives Of Christmas (the only HM I have watched more than once). I would watch this again.
How does it movie?
With a little more budget, a little more time, and a little less of the Hallmark sterility (oh, those Christmas tree shopping scenes), this would be an actual movie. Add a little more beefcake, a little more kissing, and a little more depth into Rose's story (and maybe give her a love interest as well). As it is, it's not big screen worthy but it's worth considering as a legit entry in the romcom genre. It is actually funny, it's got good to great performances, generally good chemistry between the lead and the rest of the cast, a lot going on for the lead to juggle, genuine character development, and some of the romantic stuff was even believable, particularly those doorstep scenes. Just invite him inside already!
Time to pollute the 31 Days post stream by tagging a series of Xmas movies! I joked about doing 31 Days of Xmas and Kent suggested we tag-team on it. That way, we can do other things, such as, well maybe, Xmas shopping? Will it be generic Xmas movies? All Hallmark-style Xmas romcoms? Any movie that is Xmas Adjacent? YES !!
Noelle was originally supposed to be released in the theatres this Xmas season, but ended up as a Disney+ exclusive. I suppose that is what will happen in the future, when something just doesn't gell together enough to be a proper mainstream release, "To the streaming service with you!!" Higher or lower profile than Straight to X ?
But it had Anna Kendrick in it, so I was in. And to be quite frank, if it didn't have her in it, I wouldn't have survived. Oh, sure there were quips a-plenty and it had a charming quirky sensibility about it, but it kept on sliding the scale from Generic Disney Xmas Movie all the way over to Star Wars Holiday Special, and then back again.
So, Kendrick is Noelle. Bill Hader is Nick. They are Santa Claus's kids. They live at the North Pole. Nick is destined to wear the suit after his father. Noelle is just oozing the Xmas Spirit with her fold-out cards and Sexy Santa's Helper outfits -- yes, even the Laplander inspired outfit. I may be biased.
But then Santa dies. Fuck; childhood trauma anyone? No death scene, but still, the line, "It's been 5 months since Santa passed away." So, Nick has to now wear the suit. He's been learning the job all his life but it just hasn't taken. At Noelle's suggestion, he runs off to have a few days in the sun to relax, and doesn't come back. Insert panic at the North Pole.
P.S. Puffins!! Only because penguins are not geographically accurate.
Noelle runs off after him dragging the militaristic reindeer and one cranky nanny elf played by Shirley MacLaine in her best "stretched ladies from Brazil" look. They end up in Phoenix, Arizona crashed landing at a resort, where Noelle starts off doing her best Fish Out of Water trope. Which ends up being the rest of the movie, until she realizes that Girls Can Be Santa Too.
This movie was really rather terrible, but there were so many quips and one-liners and Anna Kendrick-sons that I found myself regularly chuckling. There was a bit of channeling of that Will Farrell Elf movie, which I have not seen (and will not) but have seen enough clips to recognize the homage. My fav bit is the crazy lady hiding out in the cooler; Phoenix must have a high tolerance for cray cray.
Hey gang (all 12 of you), if you were paying attention to this post, I've got it in my head to start writing reviews of Hallmark Channel original movies. They've been cranking these things out heavily for the past 20 years or so, and each year it seems like they only step up production (but not production values).
Other networks and streaming services have also gotten into the game, and I'll probably have a look at those too. I know there are Canadian originals out there (not certain who is producing them, I haven't researched that yet) and Netflix is definitely in the game, as is Oprah on her OWN network. They're all of a type, which is cheaply made, quickly filmed, and relatively benign in the the sexuality department (in Hallmark's case, most of these films end in a single kiss that seems to signify resignation more than infatuation).
Toast and I are starting the Xmas Advent Calendar this weekend, which is 24 Christmas movies (or TV shows/specials) counting down to Christmas. These aren't exclusively Hallmark-type films, and I still don't know whether Toast is even into these cheeseball things, but there will be some in the mix. I can't help it, I watch them, almost uncontrollably.
These films are, by and large, terrible. They're awful, often faux-sentimental and treacly, churned out to such a degree that there's a spit shine, but no real polish on those boots. They're about as genuine as the snow they use (which is usually meters of cotton batting rolled out everywhere). And while the Christmas ones are by far the most popular of these offerings (even if they're not very realistic, they do effectively start evoking the flavour of the season) they produce these things year round. There's New Years ones, Valentines, 4th of July one, and ones that center around generic Winter, Spring (maybe even Easter-specific), Summer, and Autumn. There's no shortage of them, and they're on all the damn time (they even started having "Christmas In July" marathons).
But in all that awfulness is a formula, a familiar rhythm, and a whole slew of tropes they always return to. After watching a few of these things the formula reveals itself, and even if you don't connect with the characters or the story, you start to invest in that formula and revel in the minute little diversions from film to film. They become quite fun in their own, peculiar way. In the same way we sometimes fall in love with awful genre movies or cheesy syndicated TV shows (*cough*Toast*cough*), we can actually love these things. Every now and again one of them comes together that's actually enjoyable in its own right, and not just something you're watching (and drinking to) ironically.
We love our genre programming here at "Toast and Kent Sometimes Disagree" and I think of these as definitely genre programming, just they're they're own genre, they're the Hallmark genre. And so it won't just be for the XMas Advent Calendar, but going forward, as much as I feel like writing about them.
In order to write about them, though, I need structure. I can't approach these things with cerebral intentions, because they're not cerebral movies. They're designed to not make you think. The stakes are always so low (or so absurd) that there's never even the question "what would I do in that situation"? They're dull, often ridiculous fantasies, played so earnestly, you can't talk about them like they're real films. So structure is needed to compare and contrast. Each entry in "A Toast to Hallmarkent" will be sectioned as follows:
The Draw: or, "why did I watch this?" What was it about this particular Hallmark/HMknockoff that made me want to watch the film. For me it's going to be mostly "ooh, X actor or Y actress is in it", such as the upcoming Hallmark movies starring Elizabeth Mitchell (from Lost) or Kristin Chenoweth (from awesomeness). Often these will be because of how the write-up seems to break the mold of the Hallmark template (but usually they fall right back into the mold). Sometimes it may just be curiosity or recommendation or because of the Deck The Hallmark podcast.
The Formulae: in which we provide a description of the movie via its formulaicness. There's a few variants of the same formulae at play in these things, we'll tell you all about the film via the formulae.
Unformulae: This is where the film breaks the formula, where it surprises and where it sets itself apart from its kin.
True Calling?: or, does the title represent the film? Like, At.All? So often these films have really generic, forgettable titles that often are bad puns or twist of phrases that don't have anything to do with the film. Maybe here we will present a better title?
The Rewind: Almost every one of these has that "must see it again" moment, a moment where you hit rewind on the PVR and maybe even pause the scene to reveal something bizarre or gross or just goofy...this can just be a screencap maybe. Like this horrifying image from Angel of Christmas (2015).
The Regulars: where we point out those familiar Hallmark faces and where we may have seen them before. You can read IMDB on your own for more in-depth info, but we may develop favourite supporting actors and whatnot in this section (or not)
How does it Hallmark? Here we will ask how does it fare as a Hallmark movie? Better, worse, average, that sort of thing. Probably even more pressing a question for the Hallmark clones. I may have to go back and do The Princess Switch which Netflix dropped last year. It's better than most every Hallmark movies but it's definitely in the genre.
How does it movie? And here we will ask how it fares a real movie? In almost every instance it's going to be hot garbage compared to real cinematic offerings, but every now and again we may find a gem that was sold as part of the Hallmark genre but is actually a real, honest to gosh movie. Like, this year Netflix lumped Let It Snow in with their knockoff fare, but it's a real, great movie. The Princess Switch while being better than most Hallmark movies, is still "of the genre" and is too cheap-like to stack up against real films.
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Is there anything else you think we should cover? Like how drunk was I when watching this? Or any new tropes to add to the Hallmark drinking game?
I hope you have fun with these reviews (and I hope Toast will contribute a few). Should be a breezy, boozy good time.
The retiring assassin, a trope that attracts me, and not for any reasons you should call the mental health authorities (if you know me well, there are already PLENTY of reasons to do that) but because I like that they always present as a moral-adjacent individual who knew they were an outlier but found something they were good at. I would like that, well not that particular skill set, but I would like to find out that thing that I am good at, and make some people pay money at it & find my place in the world. And retire in a warm climate.
Will Smith is Henry Brogan, with 70-odd kills under his belt, who is having trouble looking at himself in the mirror. Unlike most assassin organizations (unlike, say, the one in Polar), this one seems to be letting him retire. That is, until he is framed (aren't they always) for an unsanctioned kill. And off he goes, with Mary Elizabeth Winstead dragged along behind (because she was surveilling him, and now has to go) to find out who and why. While hiding out in Columbia with best-bud, already retired frat brother Baron (Benedict Wong; Doctor Strange) he bumps into the real reason for the movie -- himself. Or rather, a younger, faster cloned version of himself.
It wasn't until the end and the credits came up, that I saw (and remembered) that this was an Ang Lee movie, which explained why I kept on thinking, "this isn't half bad, in fact many things are quite good." The performances are top notch and the action set pieces are high quality, not John Wick (the new benchmark; sorry Jason Bourne) but very well done. And Brogan stands separate from his retiring assassin brethren in that he is actually personable, very self aware, and also very aware he is much older than Winstead, so he doesn't hit on her. The whole de-aging CGI stuff is weird and mostly works, but I kept on seeing The Fresh Prince of Bel Air with a gun, which took me out of the reverie.
[10 for 10... that's 10 consumables which we give ourselves 10 minutes
apiece to write about. Part of our problem is we don't often have the
spare hour or two to give to writing a big long review for every movie
or TV show we watch. How about a 10-minute non-review full of
half-remembered scattershot thoughts? Surely that's doable? ]
In this edition:
1. Creed II - 2018, d. Steven Caple Jr. - Crave
2. Under the Silver Lake - 2019, d. David Robert Mitchell - Amazon Prime
3. The Perfect Date - 2019, d. Chris Nelson - netflix
4. Christopher Robin - 2018, d. Marc Forster - Crave
5. Tell Me Who I Am - 2019, d. Ed Perkins - netflix
6. Hellboy - 2019, d. Neil Marshall - Amazon Prime
7. Jojo Rabbit - 2019, d. Taika Waititi - In Theatre
8. Frozen II - 2019, d. Jennifer Lee, Chris Buck - In Theatre
9. Happy Death Day 2 U - 2019, d. Christopher Landon - Crave
10. Let It Snow - 2019, d. Luke Snellin - netflix
Maybe if I didn't spend 2 1/2 hours writing about the Mandalorian I would have had more time to go into deeper thoughts about some of these...alas here I am...and here we go....
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I just expressed (finally) how much I love Creed, and while Creed II is definitely missing some of what Ryan Coogler brought to it, namely the intense and incredibly accomplished tracking shots of the fight in the ring it's still a radically fun and engaging time. Knowing that Stallonehad his hand in the script, and that it was dealing with the villain from Rocky IV (that being Dolph Lundgren's Ivan Drago), I was a little worried this would be overly-Rocky focussed but, turns out those mild fears were unfounded, mainly because I forgot that Drago killed Adonis Creed's dad. The history doesn't end there, Drago's loss wound up being detrimental to his status in Russia, and he's been in low, impoverished status since. Meanwhile Donny is the top boxer in his class without any real challenge, so taking on the oversized, junior Drago is an exercise in humility. Plus Donny has his first kid on the way and he and Bianca are worried her hereditary hearing loss will affect their child. Mainly it's super fun to catch up with everyone. Donny, like in the last movie, lets his ego get the best of him, but he learns from it. There's a bullshit moment of tension between Rocky and Donny, but other than that it's a solid sequel. It feels likethe Creed series is going the same trajectory as the Rocky run, however, getting a little bigger, and a little more absurd with each outing. I'm hoping the next film lets Donny's story be his own, and not so tied to Apollo or Rocky's past.
[10:19]
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I also recently expressed my love for It Follows, David Robert Mitchell's expertly crafted modern horror. I was curious about what his follow-up was, as it had been a few years, and was pleased to find Under the Silver Lake on Amazon Prime. I had heard a few mixed reviews of this, sleepy, weird neo-noir, but still thought Mitchell had earned my interest with his previous effort. Andrew Garfield stars as a bit of a shiftless layabout living in LA, his writing career having gone nowhere, and eviction always looming overhead. He sparks up a mutual attraction with a neighbor, only for her to disappear soon after. His understimulated thought processes go into overdrive and he goes on the hunt for the truth behind her disappearance. Curious mysteries, hidden messages, coded songs, all these buried meanings lead him to an even bigger, weirder mystery at the heart of LA. Mitchell is channeling David Lynch and the Coen Brothers with whimsey, weirdness, and absurd noir melodrama, peppering in heavy violence among curious slapstick. It's certainly not an uninteresting movie, but it is a challenge if you're one who needs to know where exactly something is going, especially if that something needs to be grounded in anything approximating reality. If I were 20 years younger, I would absolutely love this movie. As it is, it's not derivative, but it's not cogent enough for my current tastes. There'd be a cult film here if we weren't so bombarded with content these days. I fear it's likely to be more forgotten than found.
[21:32]
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I've missed out on a few of Noah Centineo's Netflix teen rom coms to date, but having watched The Perfect Date, I'm kind of seeing what the fuss is about. Centineo seems unassuming at first, but he quickly reveals himself to be a Ruffalo-esque charm machine in this film. He sports the appearance of an insufferable douchecanoe, but he has soft eyes, a kind smile and a gentle spirit in his performance here of a guy trying to make money for college (since his writer dad has been relatively unemployed since his mom walked out on them). His method for making money? Hiring himself out as a stand-in (the film was originally titled "The Stand-In", and much more appropriate title) for other teens who need a fake boyfriend or +1 for whatever reason. It's kind of a modernization of the 80's teen classic Can't Buy Me Love in a way, but mostly in premise. Centineo's first date is with the stand-offish, sarcastic Laura Marano (playing a character that can only be called a Lizzie Caplan-type), and they spark up a no-nonsense friendship. We can see where this is going already, and it follows the sort of rhythms you would expect, and yet it's no less sweet or enjoyable a journey. There's not a lot of meat on these bones but a charming cast pretty much makes it worth the time. Centineo should actually make a fine Prince Adam/He-Man should that film actually get made (I hear it's a netflix project now... turn it into an Eternia romcom and maybe they have something).
[29:42]
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Who is Christopher Robin for? I mean, I'm all for any film starring Ewan McGregor and Hayley Atwell, but this is supposed to be a kids film, and it's really, really maudlin. I think we're supposed to understand that McGregor has PTSD from his time in WWII, but it's never explicit, and the funk he's in is cured by revisiting his childhood friends, which are actualized beings and not just a part of his imagination. This movie is weird. It's desperately trying to be Paddington but in doing so it does that thing that 80's superhero, animation, and toy movies did when they went live action, which was not believing enough in the power of the fantasy world, and having to ground things in the boring old real world. This film did get a few laughs and more than a few tears out of me, but I'm soft like a Pooh-bear like that. It just takes a swelling score and the eyes start watering up. It's hard to dislike Christopher Robin, it's a sweet movie, truly, but it offers little to rave about. Where the Paddington films are a fun roller-coaster ride, this one's more like a country drive on a gravel road. It's just nice. It's not quite a nostalgia trip meant for parents, and it's not exuberant kiddie fare. It falls closer to Where The Wild Things Are than Despicable Me, that's for sure. I suppose it's a film for the kids in SNL's "Wells For Boys" commercial.
[39:18]
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It seems like half the documentary films out there are of the "true crime" persuasion, and even films that aren't necessarily conventional "true crime" (ie. murder/kidnapping mysteries) seem to play out in the same sort of narrative fashion and with the same kind of editing and production. Tell Me Who I Am does fall into this same documentary narrative trap, but its story is so compelling and its resolution so emotional one can't really find fault with the style of storytelling it chose. This is a tale told by the main players in its story, Marcus and Alex Lewis, identical twin brothers, leading parallel lives until around the age of 18 when Alex has a bad accident and loses his memory. The only thing he knows for sure is Marcus is his brother (he doesn't even know his own name). Alex depends on Marcus for everything, rapidly guiding him through infancy, childhood, and his teenage years as Alex has to relearn pretty much everything. It's 15 years before Alex learns that Marcus has been editing his history lesson of their lives, things he only discovers following the death of their mother and cleaning up their parents estate. What Marcus learns drives a wedge between the brothers, and in spite of working together and maintaining their family, there's been a wedge between them for some time. The first act of the film presents us with Alex's view of the events, the second Marcus' view also furthers the narrative, while the third act is a very potent confrontation on screen, in front of the cameras, wherein Marcus finally reveals the extent of the abuse they suffered as children. It's through this resolution that they both finally understand eachother's sides of the story. Alex's life feels incomplete, dishonest, knowing that he doesn't have the memories that his brother does, and what his brother gave him is a redacted version of their past he feels keeps them distant. Marcus, meanwhile, carries the burden of trying to give his brother a better life than they actually had by keeping the knowledge of what they went through to himself. It was, he thought, the most precious gift he could give him, but living with that wedge between them and burying the truth was causing them both to suffer. Marcus' on camera confession is painful, powerful and beyond brave. In addressing the camera, he's addressing not only his brother but the audience he knows is looking on, and to reveal something so painful, not to just one person, but millions upon millions is a dramatic leap on his part. It's a tale that's both fascinating and upsetting but it's also inspiring, with Marcus and Alex showing that trauma doesn't need to define someone, and that speaking out against abuse is meaningful and powerful.
[54:37]
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This poster is far better than anything in the film
I don't remember the last time I turned off a film and didn't return to it. I was warned about Hellboy, warned that it wasn't worth my time, and it turns out all those people who warned me were absolutely right. I liked Guillermo Del Toro's first Hellboy entry, the second one left me wanting. This one feels like a direct-to-youtube cosplay abomination. I can't think of a better replacement for Ron Perlman as Hellboy than David Harbor, and yet the make-up and wardrobe they give Harbor is ghastly. It looks ill-fitting, with a disgusting-looking weave of hair on his head and arms and back. He's wickedly unappealing to look at, something you want to see only in flashes and quickly dead, not the lead of a 2 hour movie. The tone of the film feels off entirely. It's meant to be pithy and light, but it moves far too quickly from moment one to ever settle into it. The first 20 minutes bombard the audience with back story for both the villain and Hellboy, and neither are given time to breathe or rest to gain any weight within the film. It's a constant sprint to the next thing, then the next thing, then the next thing. It's exhausting. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't shot so poorly, or if the effect didn't look like video game cut scenes. It's not a film of bad ideas, just bad execution. One misstep after another after another. It shouldn't be unwatchable, but it kind of is. I really didn't like the 45 minutes I spent in Neil Marshall's vision of Hellboy, not one bit. And I tried, I tried to look for something I liked, and I couldn't. There was a sliver of salvation in Harbor, but under all that grotesque latex and paint it was too much to wade through to stay with it. I'm not going back.
[1:03:31]
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Jojo Rabbit is the kind of movie I should have more thoughts on, but I don't really. I've listened to quite a few podcasts and read quite a few reviews and, for the most part, I don't really have any contention with anything anyone is saying about this film. Sweet and charming? Sure? Ill-advised and manipulative? Maybe. Sloppy and redundant? Fine. Heartwarming and heartbreaking? Yeah. It's those things. Any film that deigns to make comedy out of Nazis has its work cut out for them, but Waititi seemingly laughs in the face of challenges such as these. Waititi doesn't generally delve into wistfulness and whimsy like he does here, it's pretty cute by a mile, and it's very cheeky at times. It's not trying to be clever about anything, it seems like he's mostly having a good time with a youthful story of love, loss and making Nazis look foolish. Those foolish Nazis include Sam Rockwell, Alfie Allen, Rebel Wilson and Stephen Merchant. Rockwell is in some of his best form here, playing a mid-ranking apathetic Nazi clearly in a romantic relationship with Allen. His barely-there belief in the cause doesn't make him sympathetic or any less complicit, it does make him funny. Of course, Waititi also plays Adolph Hitler in this film... or, rather what a 10-year-old boy drenched in propaganda thinks he is. And in that portrayal he's a total buffoon. If there's a point to the film, beyond just it's touching drama, it's that Nazis suck, and they're pretty dumb too. It's not the most profound message, but it does bear repeating.
[1:13:22]
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What did I think of the original Frozen? Enh, it's fine. I think I cooled on it after being repeatedly subjected to the film and its soundtrack by my daughter who thankfully moved on from it into Star Wars and superheroes long before other girls her age did. I count myself lucky that I've not really had to watch the film in about 5 years. So going to Frozen 2, I kind of knew how I would feel about it, which was a kind of apathy mixed with mild curiosity. The earliest trailer kind of poised Elsa as a superhero in this Nordic land that's fantastical in very restrained ways. I was into it. But subsequent trailers put the focus back on goofy hi-jinks of Olaf and songs that sound like typical songs from these things, and I was left only with fleeting optimism that something awesome would be happening. Hot Take: nothing all that awesome really happens. Frozen 2 has its moments of beautiful animation, but compared to the tranquility and beauty of How To Train Your Dragon 3 this is the dog's breakfast regurgitated. The songs are forgettable, but there's one that sounds suspiciously like it's trying to be a Peter Cetera song, and I was into it. They even animated it like an early 80's music video with odd split screens and cheesy effects. But it didn't fit the movie very well, and even at this point I'm wondering who that's for? It's an aged out reference for most parents of today. Beyond that, the story really features no antagonist, other than the unknown. If there is a villain, its the sins of ancestry. There's elemental forces at play that Elsa has unlocked and she needs to discover the mystery behind it, in order to save their home, the forest and stuff. But it's a weird adventure that keeps splitting people apart. There's a lot of sort-of funny missed opportunities as Kristoff keeps missing his opportunity to propose, that leads to an absolutely novice screenwriting misunderstanding. The film threatens to permanently eliminate Elsa, Olaf and their town of Arendell, but it chickens out of any of them for a feel-good ending. It introduces a whole new cast of supporting characters but does next to nothing with them. Its grand adventure is wildly anticlimactic. This just isn't great. It's not terrible...a film doesn't *have* to have an antagonist, but it generally helps. Here they're fighting against unknown future and make right their ancestral past, and while maybe they're important steps in Ana and Elsa's history and character growth, it does not make for a very exciting movie. This should have been a direct to Disney+ thing.
[1:28:21]
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Oh man, I loved Happy Death Day, and I was sooooper excited for Happy Death Day 2U to finally make it to whatever streaming or subscription service it would first wind up on (I only got to HDD this summer so the sequel was already out of theatres by that point). With anticipation high, and excitement a bit feverish, I tore into it the first opportunity I could, and ... it's ok. Jessica Rothe is still amazing as Tree in the film, but it lost a lot of its internal logic in this second outing. Here, we find out the source of what caused Tree to reboot her day over and over again, when side character Ryan (Phi Vu) from the first film starts living a time loop at the beginning of this one, because he and some friends are working on a comic-book-science experiment attempting to slow time (but causing time to loop instead). A malfunction of this machine kicks Tree into an alternate dimension where she's time looping again and things are just a little bit different. The good: the film takes its time to invest in Tree's emotional state, further developing her character. The bad: so many gaps in logic, like how Tree wastes so much time killing herself over an over again to accelerate the reboot and hopefully get closer to a solution, even though the kills, and method of kills, seems to be doing her some real harm. I get it's supposed to be slapstick, but slapstick doesn't play well when backed by real consequences. I think the film missed an opportunity to stick with Ryan rebooting his day over and over and needing Tree as mentor to take him through it. Where the first film was a winking dark comedy with slasher elements, this one is almost a straight up comedy with doses of sci-fi, and only the minutest aspect of the slasher horror film Blumhouse keeps trying to sell them as. It's enjoyable but messy, and not up to the quality of its predecessor.
[Toast's take: we almost agree!]
[1:37:30]
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Over the past couple years, other networks and streamers have noticed the popularity of the Hallmark Channel's "Countdown to Christmas" festivities where they dole out dozens of brand new, cheaply and quickly made romance/romantic comedy movies centered around Christmas, and in response there are new alternative Hallmark-style movies in the offing. Netflix entered the game timidly last year with a couple entries, but this year they seemed to have stepped it up even more. Let It Snow was released in between a couple of these Netflix-ified holiday rom coms, but it's not at all like that. This is a legit high-school rom com starring a high-calibre cast of young, good looking actors in an ensemble film that is more a younger, updated Love Actually than your average cheesy, corny Hallmark fare. The other thing about it is, it's a damn good movie. It's not a good movie stacked up against other Hallmark types, it's a straight up damn good movie, sitting easily on the best of genre list other landmark high school romantic comedies like Sixteen Candles, Some Kind of Wonderful, Easy A and even the non romcom fun high school flicks like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Mean Girls, or Superbad (and recent entrants Ladybird and Booksmart). I enjoyed this immensely. Every storyline was fantastic, I was fully invested, in each of them. I think maybe Jacob Batalon (Ned from the recent Spider-Man franchise) had the lowest stakes (throwing a good party, getting noticed as a DJ) but in the end even he gets something valuable out of it all. This is a good-spirited film, with real, honest-to-God comedy, and charming leads with actual chemistry like Shameik Moore (Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse), Kiernan Shipka (Sabrina The Teenage Witch) and Isabela Moner (Dora The Explorer). Joan Cusak is sort of the spirit guide of the film and, having just seen her relegated to a tedious side character in Hallmark's not-great-but-not-the-worst 2015 TheChristmas Train, a performance both reigned in and phoned in, it's nice to see her giving a crap and in a good movie, one with real snow and production values. I'll be watching this one over and over again.
(Confessional time... I love watching Hallmark movies, and only in a semi-ironic way. They're insipidly terrible by-and-large, and yet they're captivating in their chaste formulae. The fun is in seeing the little differences between them, and finding ones which are almost legitimately entertaining. They're like most Saturday Night Live sketches, if they had time to refine them some of them would be a lot but most of them are just disposable dross you can forget about immediately afterward. I don't review Hallmark movies here (or anywhere), but maybe I should start?)
2019, Disney+
Episodes 1-3 (directed by, in order, Dave Filoni, Rick Famuyiwa, Deborah Chow)
Star Wars fans have been anticipating a live action Star Wars television series for decades now, but, after seeing the first three episodes of The Mandalorian, I can tell you that all but the die hard fans would have left disappointed. We've gotten Star Wars on a budget: The Holiday Special, The Ewok Adventures, various animated series, books and comics and video games, and while some of it is legit great storytelling, most of it doesn't have the same resonance as seeing any of the live action films, particularly the original trilogy. The Mandalorian, with Disney's deep pockets behind it, and the early fate of an entire streaming service seemingly resting on its shoulders is a Star Wars film, but as a TV show.
It's not the first TV series to have epic budget and feel like film on TV, it's the first to do it at this scale, where it feels like no corners have been cut. The CGI is top notch. The makeup, costumes and practical effects are painstakingly realized. The cast is phenomenal. The directing talent is way above par. The score is epic. There's an investment here, from everyone involved in the production, to bringing Star Wars to life in an entirely new medium and realizing Star Wars in an entirely different way.
The influences are evident, spaghetti Westerns and classic samurai stories. These were two of George Lucas' influences for his first Star Wars (on top of 1930's adventure serials and movies about either of the 20th century's World Wars among other), but distilling them down like showrunner/writer Jon Favreau has done here creates a distinct focus for the show that maybe other creators in the Disney era (and Lucas himself with the prequels) may have been missing. There is an experiment at play here, one that audiences may sense, but not quite be able to pinpoint. It's one of reshaping expectations. Not in the same way that The Last Jedi did in a very metatextual sense, rather one that is reshaping how we watch television, how we watch streaming programming, and, most explicitly, how we watch Star Wars. The first and third episode of The Mandalorian clock in just under 40 minutes. The second episode at around 30 minutes. These are not standard episode lengths for any type of television until now, nevermind something that's action, adventure or drama based. Most genre shows of this type typically run "hour long" (with commercials, making for about 44 minutes of actual programming). So this isn't a show made for "traditional TV", the pacing leaves no anticipation of commercial breaks. If anything, these feel like short films, pieces of a whole, but contained on their own at the same time. But they're also Star Wars short films, with the budget to match, and they look phenomenal and feel "of the world" (or, rather, "of the galaxy").
Streaming services have also taught us to binge our programming, to consume it so rapidly that it's hard to tell where one episode ends and another starts. This has a detrimental effect to our long term memory of the programming we watch, and if there's a show that wants you to take your time with each episode, to revisit and disseminate, it's this one. Favreau has said working on The Mandalorian is like playing with his Kenner Star Wars action figures as a child. There's definitely a nostalgia factor into the construction of the show. But it's not like a "hey remember this?" kind of fan-service, but rather, capturing what it was that made Star Wars so magical in the first place... a lived-in world populated by an entire slew of intriguing beings who could each have their own story told about them. What's happening in the background is just as intriguing as what's going on in the foreground. It's not that JJ Abrams, Ryan Johnson, or others have forgotten this, but somehow they haven't quite gotten it as right. And I think I know why...
Yes, that's Nick Nolte's face adapted into the form of an Ugnaut
They're making Star Wars as modern filmmakers, with the demands modern filmmakers have to bring the spectacle and the epic scope. But with The Mandalorian the spectacle isn't going to play the same way on home or mobile screens, and the epic doesn't need to happen in the constrains of 120-ish minutes, or at all even. Expectations are different for TV or streaming, which liberates Favreau and the stable of directors to deliver the story differently.
Episode one finds Lucas' apprentice, Dave Filoni jumping from animation to behind the live action camera for the first time. The story is told in quadrants, starting with a prologue of the titular character bringing in a bounty. This segment is perhaps the roughest of the series, and it may be Filoni's inexperience with live action or it may just be everyone still needing to relax into the reality of making live action Star Wars for "TV". It's still very engaging, and the tone is right, but it feels a little rushed, and perhaps even a little overstuffed. (Bonus points for appearances by Horatio Sanz and Brian Posehn).
The second segment is all set-up for the series, introducing what will prove to be the crux of the season, the Mandalorian's next bounty (given to him by Carl Weathers) and the people tasking him with the job (led by Werner Herzog). We also are fed some of the Mandalorian's back story, and a micro-dive into the current status of the Mandalorian peoples.
This is Gina Carano as Cara Dune... we haven't seen her yet in the show
The third act takes the Mandalorian to another planet where he encounters some alien beasts and finds an unusual ally, voiced by Nick Nolte. There's a "taming-the-wild-horse" sequence that seems unnecessary save for paying homage to the show's western influences. It's a real nod towards the audience that this show is going to take its time some times, and that it's not above having its fun.
The final act finds the Mandalorian teaming up with an IG-series hunter droid (the kind first seen in Empire Strikes Back as part of Vader's bounty hunter team, but never seen mobile and certainly never seen in action, at least not in live action) taking on the very large crew of adversaries who are holding his bounty. This leads to an insane shootout, done in a manner that would only make sense for Star Wars.
This first episode reeks of Star Wars, and while there's plenty of fan service, it's not nudging fan service, but rather building upon things the fans already know and enrichening them within the galaxy far, far away. They're not just visual gags, they add something. This as well is one of our first looks at the galaxy post-Return of the Jedi, pre-The Force Awakens which makes it's fairly unfamilar ground for most fans as well. It establishes the Mandalorian as a respected hunter and as a member of a respected hunting society. It lays a lot of ground work in a surprisingly short amount of time.
The second episode hits hard on the Lone Wolf and Cub vibe that the first episode only hints at with the Mandalorian and his bounty wandering through the desert on the way back to his ship, seemingly having to get through a gauntlet of setbacks and adversaries. Having just established the Mandalorian's competence last episode, Favreau starts writing in some specific traits in this character, namely his short temper and his never-give-up attitude. He's a scrapper, no matter how much he gets knocked down (and he gets knocked down a lot), he's going to get back up again. He doesn't fear the odds and he'll stare down anything.
This episode find the creators really playing with their toys, with the Mandalorian encountering Jawas (familiar from the original Star Wars film, "A New Hope"), and exploring their "sand crawler", both as he climbs the fortress like exterior (with allusions to Return of the Jedi, Raiders of the Lost Arc and even the Adam West Batman series) and later gets a ride inside. Star Wars has always been a mix of sci-fi, fantasy and monster movie and here the Mandalorian also must face a great beast, and for all the lumps he took against the Jawas, it's doubled with the mudhorn he faces. This episode establishes him as the flawed bruiser protagonist in the Indiana Jones/John McClaine vein, which makes him more compelling than indestructible and super-competent heroes we seem to be getting more and more.
The third episode sees delivery of the bounty, but also the Mandalorian's conscience getting the better of him. Without spoiling too much (as if it's not everywhere on the internet already), the bounty was a child and the Mandalorian's past as an orphan ("foundling") obviously gives him a sense of connection to it. There's a deepening investment in the mythos of Mandalorians here. We've seen them explored in The Clone Wars and Rebels cartoons in the past, but this series puts them in a much different place than they were in the past, as refugees, clinging even harder to past traditions. The Mandalorian's guilt overrides him, and he mounts a one-man rescue mission which triggers a sundown showdown with too many bounty hunters to count them all. Again, the Mandalorian finds himself entering a situation that he obviously has no way out of, no hope in succeeding, and yet, there always seems to be a way.
The show is exciting, the story is parsed out slowly, as is character development. It's action heavy, but it also lets its moments breathe, again something that modern cinema doesn't seem to have much time for. It's incredibly dependent upon its score, provided by Ludwig Goransson. With spaghetti westerns in mind, there's obviously a note of Ennio Morricone, which Goransson likes to incorporate with pulsating ambient rhytms and electronic tones, layering in orchestral strings and horns. The dives into the orchestral are probably the weakest moments of the show, at times feeling like knock-off Star Wars from the 80's, but those are scant moments. The score comes alive during the action, sometimes working with noise and sound textures that make it hard to distinguish between the soundtrack and sound effects. There are moments, like when fighting the mudhorn, you have to ask whether that's the score or the noise the mudhorn makes, or is that the sound of the ship's engines or the score. It adds exquisite depth. All of this together, pacing, influence, score, it shares the same sensibilities as Samurai Jack, one of the premiere animated series of all time, but it's a live action show, which, again, seems absolutely unreal, but here it is, finally here.
The only question left is when to we get to marathon this on the big screen?
Sir Cole (Josh Whitehouse), a 14th-century Knight is out in the woods of Norwich for fun and games when he encounters an old crone (you ever heard of a young crone?). He's trying to be galliant and bring the crone back to the castle and out of the cold, but she rewards him by spiriting him away to 2019 Ohio, on a quest for what he's always searched for (unsaid, it's true love). But, she says, if he fails, he shall never become a true knight.
