3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Anyone But You

2023, Will Gluck (Annie) -- download

I have nothing against romcoms. I mean, we watch Hallmarkies on this blog. But het men of a certain age, really any age, are not supposed to like romcoms, they are supposed to endure them for the sake of their spouse. Back in The Day (OK grampa), Marmy and I made a point of it to go see them in the theatres. Kent watches more of them these days than I do, and if I stroll through the romcom tag I see he watches the less-mainstream ones. The better ones.

Of side-note, one of our favourites (Serendipity) is, in retrospect, one that Kent no longer appreciates, but is one of his better more-bloggy (personal as opposed to movie review) posts, which is why I am here.

This is not a good movie. Why did we watch this? Because it makes nods to Much Ado About Nothing, a Shakespeare play where people con two cantankerous ex-lovers into reuniting. The problem is that in this movie they are not really ex-lovers, just did the "talk all night" thing and then, by way of misunderstanding, said mean things to each other. And for that brief encounter, we are supposed to expect unending animosity between them. I honestly don't think most people keep that kind of brief stuff in their brainpan, well, except at random moments, like brushing your teeth, where your brain dredges up something entirely annoying & embarrassing from your past and forces you to obsess on it for the next four hours. Just me? Sorry.

Of note, our fav "Much Ado...", the Branagh edition, is also a Kate Beckinsale movie. 

Bea (Sydney Sweeney, The White Lotus) has a meet-cure with Ben (Glen Powell, Scream Queens) at a coffee shop and they spend the entire day together. Even though they don't have sex, she sneaks out but after she tells herself she made a mistake, she returns only to hear him saying something mean about her. They bump into each other at a club where Bea's sister Halle (Hadley Robinson, Utopia) and Claudia (Alexandra Shipp, X-Men: Dark Phoenix), the sister of Ben's best friend Peter (GaTa, Dave) have begun dating. They are even meaner to each other, like exponentially so. 

The girls get engaged and the wedding is to be in Sydney, Australia. Of course, Ben and Bea are there, as are their ex-es and everything is awwwwkward. That is, until some of the family members decide to try and get them together Shakespeare style, i.e. have each of them overhear that the other is secretly in love. They decide to play along, for their own reasons. As expected, by us, they begin actually falling for each other.

The movie could have had some Shakespearian level fun, but I would have been entirely fine if it dropped the whole schtick as long as it had stayed witty, but instead it just opted for hijinx such as falling off a boat, or playing on Australia's reputation for outrageously large spiders hiding in dark corners... or testicles. Powell is serviceable as a leading man, but Sweeney is just ... a problem. She strikes me as one of those actors that with the right role, and the right director, she can really latch onto a character. This is not one, and there were many scenes she just didn't seem interested in doing. But they both look incredible in bathing suits so....

But even in a bad romcom, as long as the mains have a certain chemistry, you can forgive just about any misstep. Alas... I didn't understand why they were so fucking angry at each other, and I didn't understand, doubly so, how they could turn it off, but for the idea of two shallow people wanting to have sex with a sexy person. 

Final note. Even in charmless movies, I can enjoy someone giving it their all, and this award goes to GaTa as Pete, the best friend. His character and his performance is always 110% and I thoroughly enjoyed his loyal, measured, but kind of goofy character.

Rewatch: WFH: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

 2001, Simon West (Con Air) -- Netflix

The Jolie versions of this video game franchise adaptation are not very good, and really meant only for the 14 year old boys who played the original games and were somewhat fixated with the "bumpers". Both the remake game, and the movie of such, were slightly better, in that Lara is better dressed, and more realistic. That said, I should rewatch the Vikander one, and post my thoughts. I believe the original post was lost in the Great Deleting.

The plot of the first Jolie movie is a weird one. Lara Croft, daughter of a famous, wealthy archeologist who disappeared years ago, is left with her toys, and a large estate staffed by two, just two. She is a dilettante, known for "tomb raiding", i.e. not even as noble as Indiana Jones was, but likely for profit with little care for the artifacts or the cultures. But she is our not quite likeable protagonist.

The plot is also ludicrous. Her father tasked her with protecting a great secret, involving The Illuminati and a celestial convergence that happens once every 5000 years. Given her father asked her to Not Let It Happen, she does everything but stop it from happening. While its not really her fault she let The Illuminati know she had a key component, which they promptly steal, but given a chance at actually stopping it, during a fight in Cambodia with magical statues, she completes the ritual instead. Why? No real reason but that she wants to see what would happen. And prove she is smarter than them. And she pretty much destroys this hidden tomb temple in the progress.

Think about it; if she just let the ritual fail there, they would have to wait 5000 years. Alas, a tomb raider has to raid, so off she goes joining the Illuminati and their betrayer on a journey to the top of Russia where an ancient city has the last tomb to raid, a city not unlike the pyramid under the Antarctic ice in Alien vs Predator. This time she almost seems ready to end the ritual, but instead completes it YET AGAIN, allowing her to turn back time, and save her Daniel Craig, her ex-BF also betrayer. After that she beats up The Bad Guy and saves the world. Finally. And we even get one more shower-thoughts bouncing bumpers scene to end off the movie. 14 year old boys.

Why did I watch this again? Admittedly, I really wanted to see if it was as bad as I vaguely remembered, and I was remembering correctly, and also... *blush* ... my inner 14 year old boy.

One final amusing note. Jolie, an American, does a terrible British accent. And Daniel Craig, a Brit, puts on a even more terrible American accent. Not sure why.

Polar

2019, Jonas Åkerlund (Lords of Chaos, lots and lots of music videos) -- Netflix

Music videos still exist? Where is our late night half-hour TV show that highlights the charts?

Anywayz, from a director whom I am not surprised he did Ramstein videos, and a very very very loose connection to John Wick (Constantin Films, production company, helped distribute Wick in Europe) comes a very very very over the top movie that tries to resurrect the visual appeal of 90s edgy action flicks while melding it with a Suicide Squad aesthetic. But it stars Mads Mikkelsen, which is the only reason I forgave it.

So, first up. There is no real reason this movie is called Polar other than that the original web-comic / graphic novel is called that, and it is sometimes a wintry movie. The Miller-ish comic looked incredible, and did its best Sin City impression using snow and shadows to set a mood. Parts of this movie take place in a cabin by a lake in the heart of winter, but it's nowhere close to being polar.

Anywayz.

Holey fricking crow, this movie was all over the place. Mads is soon-to-retire assassin Duncan Vizla haunted by one kill from his past, that must have gone wrong. He will retire to his rustic cabin in the woods in small town Montana/Wyoming/Dakota/Somewhere with Snow and Mountains, and live off his well-earned pension plan. Yep, Damocles the Assassination Company has pension plans. You would think assassins would just make so much money, they could set up their own offshore money, but psss-shaw, we need a premise. And that premise is that the owner of Damocles has been squandering the money, so his ingenious plan is to kill his own assassins as they turn 50, so the clause in the contract means all their banked money goes to him. And he uses a gawdy, inclusive band of not-near-50 assassins to take out his own veterans.

The movie flips between Vizla's attempts to retire, or prepare to retire, in his cabin in the woods, across the lake from almost unrecognizable Vanessa Hudgens whom he has taken a shine to, to gory, over the top killing scenes as the Band of Younger Ne're Do Wells take out the random people at Vizla's Other Addresses. The colours and imagery are drastically different between the two types of scenes, which are well directed and shot, but quickly become tiring. The thing that made John Wick work so well was that it was tonally solid and knew who it was. This movie is suffering a major split personality.

And the sex. Edgy 90s tried to pull away from the politically correct late 80s with lots of racy sex. But this movie just seems to be yelling "BOOBS !" every ten minutes, for no particularly good reason. An extended sex scene between Sexy Bimbo Assassin and Vizla may be based on the scene from the comic, but it goes much further than it needs to. Why?  Just because.

And don't get me fucking started on it's extreme "FUCK YOU!" to John Wick when Vizla brings home a puppy. I almost turned it off right there.

In the end I watched it through, and despite some incredibly well shot scenes and decent acting (I loved every clothing change scene with Katheryn Winnick [ed. note: that's not what it sounds like; i mean she wore a diff outfit in every scene.]) it just didn't win me over.

The Hiatus Post: Blade Runner 2049

I am taking a break from the web. Not being on the web, but contributing. I have been posting something to something blog related since 1999. I have had unintended extended breaks, but I always felt the pressure to do something. This time, I am under far too many other pressures and I just need one fewer thing that I feel compelled to do. The photoblog is paused, this blog will be paused. On my side, at least; Kent will do as Kent's life allows him to do.

2017, Denis Villeneuve (Sicario) -- cinema

Disclosure. I haven't felt compelled to watch Blade Runner in quite sometime. Disclosure. I actually enjoy the original version, with it's noir over-dub. Disclosure. I never really liked the idea of Deckard possibly being a replicant himself. Disclosure. While I never avoided spoilers, apparently I did because I never caught the first one, till the opening footage.

So, thirty years since the last movie took place, 35 years since the last movie came out. And Villeneuve still wonders why this movie didn't do better. To me its obvious; the original's fanbase was not only late in coming (the original didn't do well either) but they are now old & jaded. Sure, the younger fanbase of all things scifi and retro is there, but again... jaded. As for the rest of the world, the world that makes up the population that determines a movie being a success or not? Despite "hey girl" Ryan Gosling being the lead, its slow paced, atmospheric scifi. And it cost a fortune to make. So, really, not so much of a mystery Denis.

But still dude, I loved it. Fucking loved it. But get it, this is not big grins and rush-right-out-to-see-it-again loving it. This is knowing my expectations and having them met, if not exceeded. It is a lush, colourful (no, really it is) homage to the original while being a powerful, standalone movie. I just wish the plot had been tighter, as in the end, after all the exposition about the powerful central theme I still couldn't really tell you anyone's motivations beyond Joe's. Why exactly did the Bad Guy need Deckard? The replicant underground? Hell, other than the option of tossing the old pigskin back n forth, why did Joe need Deckard? But meh, who cares, I just watched the fuck out of this movie.

The visuals, the aging anachronistic world (remember, now was The Future of the original) where the decay of mother earth is apparent. Is that snow? Ash? Ashen snow? Isn't this LA ? No plants, no real animals no nothing but industrial decay and bodies everywhere. One can assume that the humans left on earth exist for no other reason than to fuel the off-world colonies exodus, through labour and spending. At some point that spending will be done, and ... abandonment.

Speaking of the visuals, I must admit, I am in the camp of being disappointed about the female centric sex machine of the movie. C'mon, I get it, you think the girls get Gosling so we get Joi, the Not Real Girl. But, what about the background? Wouldn't the Joi advertising try and appeal to all ? Unless they didn't want to interfer with the whole Joe-Joi unreal couple thing. The how about the pleasure droid brothel? There wasn't a single sexual exploitative male image, and that just seems ... unrealistic.

In the end, after two-plus hours, I was left satisfied. And more than eager for another part of the story, even moreso than after the dozen plus times I have seen the original. I want to see where the offworld colonies go, what is left with Earth, and now that Replicants know they can procreate, what is next for them?

Zombie^5

I watch a lot of zombie movies. I didn't realize how many till five queued up in my To Be Written list. Some are good, most are bad. Very very few are great. The genre is mostly played out but it will always linger in the back of the horror genre, at least until The Walking Dead finishes its run. Until then, media will continue to milk its inky black blood.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, 2016, Burr Steers (17 Again) -- download

P&P&Z tackles something most zombie fiction doesn't even attempt to -- what were the creatures before they died / changed and how much of them is left over when they become such? Oddly enough, it is often the comedies that explore this aspect. The serious ones always stick to the unsettling aspects of the horde.

The movie, one that Marmy hates in concept but will never see, comes from the book which is a tongue in cheek retooling of the Jane Austen novel.  It was literally developed title down -- here's the title, write a book for it! Insert zombies & ninjas into the Austen milieux! While definitely full on rotting tongue in decaying cheek, it is a serious movie; not comedy.

Like in World War Z, the apocalypse begins in China. And spreads quickly, on trade ships, around the world. Post war, England has to be ever watchful of another rising and has trained its youth in the art of combat. Wealthy go to Japan, while the middle class only get Chinese training. The poor get eaten.

The movie intertwines the core Austen story with an uglier plot, one where someone wants the rise of the undead to succeed. As I mentioned, the zombies retain their memories and intelligence; they just are overwhelmed by a desire to eat your face and yes, they rot. Some worse than others. Some people believe the undead can be redeemed, through religion or reason. Others believe they are the next step in mankind, and are leading the dead to organize. Thus we get an OK action movie, to foil the evil plot, mixed up with a love story.

Pandemic, 2016, John Suits (The Scribbler) -- download

Meanwhile this gives us just another tired concept zombie flick. The concept at play? The video game motif -- we see everything through helmet cams, all the action at the end of a FPS gun. There's never been a good use of this. I will tell you how well Hardcore Henry does it when I finish watching that movie.

The sub-genre is infection with defined stages. Stage one is common cold-like symptoms; the final stage has a raving eating machine awakening from a death-like coma. There are no walking dead, just people with a disease. This is the most tragic of the zombie sub-genres, as so many have to die just so uninfected humans can stay alive.

This is a terrible movie that badly mixes personal drama (i just want to get back to my daughter!) with... wait, that's not this movie that is the last bad zombie flick I watched, Re-Kill, which also had a tired concept at the core of its plot.  So, this movie IS about personal drama and that's pretty much all. Dr. Lauren, who is really not a doctor at all but someone who stole the credentials of one to join a team, to hunt down her family, sacrifices all of said team (including Alfie Allen, redeemed villain is his schtick now) to reunite with her daughter. Considering she pretty much destroys the protective detail of the place she wants to get her daughter into, there is not very much hope in the end.

I was never sure why the movie spent so much time on the prologue scenes, setting up the stages of infection and some mystery around the final stage. Sure, we get some [REC] style night-vision camera shots of a monstrous final form that sniffs us out, but it's not really at the core of the movie. Other than the title, the pandemic is barely explored. This is the issue of low budget Straight To movies, in that there are ideas but nobody has the money nor the inclination to explore.

And gawds, I hate when the posters have nothing to do with the movie.

[REC] 3: Génesis, 2012, Paco Plaza ([REC]) -- Netflix

Speaking of [REC], I did [REC] 2 back during this blog's first run of 31 Days of Horror.  Paco, co-director along with Jaume Balagueró, did all three movies. The third is considered the "origin" movie, thus the tag Génesis. As in, the genesis of the infection, not biblical reference to Genesis, despite what the character in the movie says. Really, this is more a Revelations thing.

The last movie ended revealing demonic influence on the evil zombie virus thing. It's rather unique in current zombie fiction but was the primary source back in the 80s/90s proto-zombie movies.  At a wedding, inside a walled compound, the infection, or demonic influence, slowly takes over the uncle of bride Clara until the dancing is in full swing. Then he bites another and BOOM, raving, biting, killing monsters in bad wedding attire. There is a mix of the sub-genre -- are they dead or merely infected? Well they are getting their throats torn out, before they turn, so a little of column A and a little of column B ? The fun thing is when you look in the mirror and see demonic, cadaverous creatures!

Yeah, this movie is fun. It tosses the tense, paranoid aspects of the first two movies on its head for a butt-kicking zombie-killing romp, including gearing-up scenes. Clara only wants to be reunited with her new husband Koldo. And no bloody scary wedding attendee will stop her! Chainsaws, swords and guns are picked up and dropped as the two wedded ones, and their tag-along crew of survivors, attempt to reunite. Meanwhile, a priest has discovered if you read prayers over the loud speakers it disables the zombies. Not that it really helps people much, but it does move the plot along and expand on the core conceit of the sub-genre. And, alas, it does not help the two lovers after they find each other.

Cell, 2016, Tod Williams (Paranormal Activity 2) -- download

This one was based on the only real zombie fiction that Stephen King did, but it approaches the genre in much the same way Guillermo del Toro did vampires -- through the use of a unique viral infection. The virus in question is passed through the cellular network and leaves behind only violent, mindless creatures. King wrote this over ten years ago, just before the era of touch-screen smartphones, but after the full assimilation of cell phones in general. It's not a comment of the overabundance of cellular communication, but a blatant exploitation of the paranoia around it.

The movie follows a handful of survivors, people who were not using their phones at the time the infection was transmitted. Clay Riddell, played by Straight To king John Cusack only wants to get back to his wife & son. We get a typical road story with not so typical infection background material. We also get a muddled ending without any closure.

It's a terrible terrible movie. Cusack and Samuel L Jackson *ahem* phone in their acting and the convoluted & mysterious conspiracy plot by Stephen King is inserted between incredibly boring scenes of people walking in silence or babbling on about stuff we are supposed to care about, but really don't -- character development!  The director almost seemed to think he was directing The Road, but without the great weight of the source material. But are we surprised? There is already a track record of terrible material being spawned from Stephen King books. For every five that are rotten, we get one that is OK and even rarely, a great one.

P.S. What is up with the movie posters? They are all uniformly terrible. And why attack choppers?

Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, Christopher Landon (Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones) -- Netflix

Pulling a night of video store movie flipping on Netflix led us to this one, which is weirdly called Scouts vs Zombies on their titling. I guess the actual title is too much of a mouthful? Anywayz, this is mid-budget comedy hinged on the idea that if they are always prepared, are they prepared for the zombie apocalypse? Short answer -- no. They require a butt kicking cocktail waitress in a pushup bra to encourage them.

This is a movie meant for teenage boys. Along with the core idea of long term friendships, there are tons and tons of immature references -- some funny, some cringe worthy but most just *yawn* on the level of fart jokes. The cocktail waitress is supposed to be some sort of empowerment of women comment, but the actress can barely run in her boots and once her shotgun runs out, she depends again on the teen boys. Really, she was just an excuse to look at cleavage. And a pseudo older woman fantasy?

The zombies in question? Boring, run of the mill fast moving, eating machines. Like most of the low grade examples of the genre, they really don't matter, as the are only antagonist fodder around the jokes and action scenes. But the idea that a bunch of teenage boys would have no issues destroying the entire class of bullies gone zombies is worth a smirk or two. At least they do attempt to rescue some of their classmates.

It makes you wonder why I am watching these movies, when I am pretty assured most will be terrible. I guess, even at their worst, I am comfortable enough and familiar with the beats and tropes of the genre. I know the rise of the tension well, and even at their worst, they touch on it. At my core, I am terribly frightened by the horde but aside from The Walking Dead few examples of the genre touch on this horror for me.

Am I looking for jewels in the trough? Or do I just like what I like...

ReWatch: Conan the Barbarian

1982, John Milius (Red Dawn) -- Netflix

I was introduced to Conan (barbarian, not talk show host -- i ain't that young) when I was a kid, by family friend / cousin by marriage. He and his brother knew I was into The Lord of the Rings and presented something more primordially sword & sorcery to me. I engulfed them hungrily. These pulp fantasy stories, that I already knew existed as comic books, were so raw & meaty, I loved them. And then a movie was coming out, one that needed adult accompaniment. Oh shit, mom & dad hated anything fantasy and would never indulge me. So I went through the list of Cool Uncles and Ray said yes. He didn't seem to mind he knew nothing about the subject matter, but was happy to be dragged to the cinema by a bunch of adolescent boys.

Boy was I embarrassed when there were boobs.

In these days, any movie with swords was fodder for our D&D games. Not long after seeing this, the swords of epitome in any D&D game became the one forged by his father and the one found with the King under the hill. Everyone loved the helmets and multiple attempts at Snakes to Arrows were made; even officially, if I do recall. Everyone had to fight a giant snake.

It's not a very good movie, but it spoke to a generation, not only of Conan fans but of pulp adventure fans of eras past. And adolescent D&D players. The acting is terrible, the script rather pedestrian and some of the props look plastic. But it connected with people, not just adolescents. It spawned a sequel and even a TV series.

These days I can only look upon it with nostalgic fondness. Arnie has long since been tainted by all his other iconic roles, but in this one he got to punch a camel. He had the size and muscles of a Conan but I was always disappointed by his lack of coal black hair. Arnie also had a certain lack of melancholy and none of the rapier intelligence the character had. Still, he was better than Ralf Möller in the 90s TV show adaptation of the movies.

3 Short Paragraphs: Mean Girls

2004, Mark Waters (Mr. Popper's Penguins) -- Netflix

Yup, we watched a decade old teen girl comedy. Because I hadn't seen it, because I was a John Waters fan in the day, because I was curious to look back on Lyndsay Lohan before she self-immolated.  And Rachel McAdams as the Bad Guy.... ok, bad girl. I imagine, that for some generations, not seeing this movie was like my generation not seeing Heathers. And it's a lot of fun! Co-written by Tina Fey, it is smart, witty and downright horrid at times. No, it's not Easy A or 10 Things I Hate About You level of smart fun but it joins that collection well. And no, I do not have a section of teen girl comedies on my shelf; I am just well versed. Ahem.

Lyndsay plays Cady, new arrival at school from Africa, where she was home schooled. Which means she gets stuck hanging out with the weird kids Damian and Janis. But they have a plan; insert Cady into the clique-y Plastics, become popular and then destroy the Plastics from within. But Cady becomes enamoured with the nice clothes, the popularity and power and has to be taught a lesson of her own.

This is Lyndsay post-adolescence but before the weird years. The weirder thing is that my collective conscience memory has her doing the Miley Cyrus child TV star thing, but no, she really got her start as a young teen in the remake of Freaky Friday. So, I am not sure how she was so quickly able to fall down while Cyrus continues the path of successful post-kid-star weirdness. Amanda Bynes followed Lyndsay's path, as I predicted, yet Bieber seems to be recovering. Next up, Ariana Grande who is being well monitored, despite the donut incident. What is with my obsessive desire to see teen stars fall but not all of them?  I don't know.

Sick n Binging: Guys Shooting People

NOT a soon-to-be-regular category, but one Kent is welcome to, since he is more often exposed to virus laden bacteria machines, i.e. kids, this one is about laying on the sofa coughing and hacking and sneezing and having not enough energy to even sleep properly, so might as well watch Netflix.

The Gunman, 2015, Pierre Morel (Taken) -- Netflix
Shooter, 2007, Antoine Fuqua (Training Day) -- Netflix

I am often confused about what constitutes a movie being made for the Straight To market vs the proper theatre release. A tired, familiar plot shouldn't inspire theatre release just because of a main star and some proper backing. But this is what Sean Penn ended up with -- another story about a gunman done wrong. But I was in the mood for crime stories, so this did well for me. I enjoyed it but was also rather bored with it.

In The Gunman, Sean Penn is Jim Terrier, a tough guy working as security for an NGO in The Congo. But what he is really there for is wetwork, as directed by Javier Bardem. Javier Bardem also wants Terrier's GF Annie, so chooses Jim as the guy to shoot the Minister of Mining, securing their client's contracts in the country and forcing Jim to leave. Javier steps in and replaces Jim in Annie's bed. Yeah, another female character as plot accessory instead of character.

Years later.  Someone is trying to kill Jim. He has given up the assassin life and is doing proper NGO work back in The Congo. But now he knows someone wants him dead and, of course, it must be connected to his work years ago. Yes, because, because he didn't have any other work that was shady, before or since. Anywayz, thus begins the Bourne-ian journey around Europe seeking knowledge of his hunters, killing mooks and reconnecting with Annie. Oh, and a meet cute with Idris Elba as an Interpol agent.

The only really impressive thing about this movie was Sean Penn's body. Part Sly Stone physique, part Liam Neeson skills, Jim Terrier is a well oiled machine over 50. And they use any opportunity to remind us of this by having him shirtless. But for the fact he also suffers major post-concussion syndrome (y'know, to make it current) from years of guns firing off in his ear, he would have waded through the conspiracy. In the end (and yes, Spoiler) it pulls out the usual crime reveal of having his good friend, the first person he reconnects with after the attempt on his life, turn out to be the Bad Guy.

Bleah, I expected more from Morel.

On the other hand, I am always happy with the way Antonie Fuqua does things. Starting way back with Training Day and Denzel as an unlikable, corrupt cop Fuqua allows his movies to have some weight to them. And remember The Replacement Killers, that brilliant and fun nod to Chow Yun-Fat and his Hong Kong actioners?  That was Fuqua. I am not saying he is Shakespeare but he does a little bit more with the action genre that raises the bar.

Right off the bat, from the intro story to our shooter, there is some skill to the directing, the lines between Mark Wahlberg and his spotter, and the camera work. You just get a gut feeling you are going to enjoy what you see.

Not that I am saying this is a completely original story -- snipes who get done wronged by their country is pretty common. But I liked the way this one played out, even as I was mentally yelling at the screen that he was being setup. After Bob Lee Swagger (now ain't that an American good ol boy name if you ever heard one) does not shoot the American president, he goes on the run. I am not sure how a trained special forces sniper also knows all these counterintelligence technique, but he gives the other special forces people hunting a good run for their money. Mooks in their dozens die.

The best parts are the quiet parts where Swagger swaggers, calmly planning his next move and inspiring those helping him with utter confidence, who includes Michael Peña as a bumbling FBI rookie and a surprisingly not-skinny Kate Mara. As they played up the sexuality of her character, to no good reason (tanktop no bra, she covers up modestly, but not before we get a good look) I wonder will we ever rise from female characters as accessories in Hollywood.

Sure, things blow up and lots of people get shot, but there is a way Fuqua handles everything that is quietly satisfying.

I Saw This!! What I Have Been Watching (Pt. 6)

In this new trend of "leaking" things early, I am surprised I did not give the first episode of this alternate history series a brilliant review.  Brilliance on part of the show, not the review. Anywayz, I loved the first episode of this PK Dick story adaptation about a world where the Nazis won WWII, along with the Japanese. The Americans entered into the war too late for Europe, which in turn allowed the atomic bomb to fall into the Nazi hands. The war ended when they dropped it on Washington DC. We enter the story in the early 60s, a generation into America living as an occupied country -- Nazis controlling the east coast, Japanese the west coast with a neutral freezone (but still not America) in the Rockies.

This is an uncomfortable show to watch. Sure, we are still deeply seated in accepting Nazi Germans as bad guys (with no argument of them being so, but they are so deeply embedded in our forefront Bad Guy brain, more so than any other historical force) but the Japanese are generally considered decent, hardworking if a bit pervy these days. But in this world, both cultures are dominating, ruthless and downright scary. But the Nazis come out on top for the Bad.

The story focuses on two young people: Juliana, in San Francisco, whose sister is killed as a resistance agent and Joe, in NYC, a truck driver for the resistance. Both are quickly caught up in a conspiracy involving movie reels from The Man in the High Tower, the leader of the resistance. These reels show an alternate history where the Allies won the war -- our history.

The uncomfortable part is watching the show depict societal norms, even more upsetting than some we already had in the 60s. Joe drives his truck west, through a light snow fall, that is not snow. They are burning the old, the infirm and the insane. Just good population control for the Nazis. And in San Francisco, Juliana's boyfriend is detained & tortured, his Jewish ancestry used as leverage to have him confess to a conspiracy he knows nothing about. His sister and her children sit in a nearby room, a room with gas vents. He knows this. A generation under an occupation and most just ... accept it.

I love alternate histories, where you get to explore all the little bits of change. You can postulate how bad things can get, and how things could have just been different. And of course, you can comment on how some people just accept the world as it is, no matter how horrible it gets. Ahem America, we are all talking to you.

Time to binge watch the rest of the season.

Doctor Who started a trend, well at least in North American eyes -- maybe the Brits have been doing it for ages?  It is the Xmas special. No, not like us, where we have a themed Xmas episode, but a single episode that stands alone from the other stories, usually why the show is inbetween seasons or on a long hiatus. A tasty snippet while we wait.

The Abominable Bride is the first such for Sherlock. It picks up the continuity from last season, in that plane. But really, it takes place in the mind of Sherlock, in the Victorian era, giving us Sherlock and Holmes in their original timeline.

Hee! As a fan of the original books, I loved revisiting that setting.

But it doesn't stop there, as they twist and turn, mixing the stories together with a bit of breaking the 4th wall. As Sherlock investigates a mystery of a bride returned from the dead, he uncovers a rather odd conspiracy of .... feminists?

This episode was for the fans, as it just dives into the characters and their playful interaction with each other. The juxtaposition of 19th century versions vs the current ones, the contradictions and the ever presence ghost of Moriarty. The mystery is just a canvas unto which the characters paint themselves. Great fun! And yet, we are still connecting seasons together, considering how things went last season.

And from great fun to great-gawds-this-is-terrible we get Shadowhunters. This is the TV adaptation of the YA chicks-with-knives genre book series. Yes, the one that had a failed movie franchise attempt starring Phil Collins daughter Lily. Chicks with knives? You know, those books in the store that have a girl in tight, dark clothes usually with tattoos (often a tribal tramp stamp), a sword or dagger and she gets mixed up in Urban Fantasy, usually vampires.

The Mortal Instruments, as the books were called, is about a group of attractive, counter culture youth descended from Angel blood, who are charged with protecting the human world from Demons, and other monsterish creatures. Great idea. No idea about the execution, but boy does it lend itself to a CW style TV show. These shows practically are born on this station. But this one comes from Freeform, formally ABC Family, which might explain why it is so so so terrible.

The main character Clary is coming of age and bumps into Shadowhunters (the pretty kids in leather an abs who fight demons) in a nightclub. Before she can drag out her true history from her mother, the woman is attacked and taken. Clary is left piecing together the story by stalking to Shadowhunters back to their CSI style lair (lots of glowing set pieces, monitors and equipment) and learning of her heritage.

Help me find my mother! Help me find out who I am! Tell me what a Mortal Cup is! These are the strained cries of Clary as she goes from pretty highschooler in jeans and tees to Shadowhunter in short skirts and leather. Its not much of a transition for she looks ridiculous in the outfit, which is not surprising because she got it from a girl who seems to want to look like Vampirella in a pair of tight leather pants. Like the original movie, the boys put and argue over Clary not wanting to get wrapped up in her anguish but knowing they must.

The Vampire Diaries does it better. And yet I have watched a couple of more episodes, not to see if it got better but to see if the incredibly terrible was a fluke, a bad first episode. Nope. Stinker. Not even "I'm on a horse!" Isaiah Mustafa can raise it from the filthy floor.

The most annoying thing about the whole show, movie and book series is that it stole MY idea for a d20 Modern campaign that was also called Shadowhunters, stole its idea from Buffy but used the template of Angel blooded vs Demon blooded. Mine was better. But still had a chick with a dagger nee sword.

31 Days of Halloween 2015: Hausu

1977, Nobuhiko Ôbayashi (The Girl Who Leapt Through Time) -- download

Back to the terrible (not the future), but finally, we get to see the classic Japanese surreal horror movie that is in turns fascinating and so very very terrible. It is your classic movie to be seen in a rep cinema with friends and copious amounts of alcohol.

P.S. I have called it by the Japanese name, but in reality, it is billed as House even in Japan. I just don't want to confuse it with the 1986 movie, which is apparently not a remake.

So, 1970s Japan. The special effects are not so special but the kink we know well is already in place. As are many of the tropes we know well today. Add to that some references to WWII and atomic trauma, and it actually had some current affairs for a bad movie about heads biting bums.

The girls are named Gorgeous, Fantasy, Melody, Kung Fu, Prof, Sweety and Mac, as translated by our subtitles loosely adapting the descriptive names in Japanese. Its school year's end and everyone is planning their summer holidays. Gorgeous is going with her dad to a resort town and most are joining Mr Togo in summer camp. I am never sure if Mr Togo was a teacher or a boyfriend, but whatever he was, it was wildly inappropriate. But Gorgeous's plans are foiled by her dad's new fiance (a new mom he found in Italy) and summer camp being cancelled. All the girls end up going to Gorgeous's Auntie who she hasn't seen since her mother's death.

The psychadelia begins right away. Nobuhiko is having a ball. The travel montages are a mixture of bad backdrop scenes (you know, badly painted canvasses representing the passing countryside) and scenes where we supposed to think its a backdrop, but its an actual painting on the roadside. This is his hint he will be messing with us.

The house is your typical menacing, rundown place on a hill in the countryside which is hard to find until you go the gas station run by the creepy guy. Sorry, I mean watermelon stand run by the creepy guy. Its Japan; they have their spin on the tropes.

Auntie is old and in a wheelchair, but inviting. In traditional fashion the girls dive to help clean house and prepare dinner, as Auntie makes disconcerting references to how tasty the girls look. The first to go is Mac, who is still hungry and goes after the watermelon being kept cool in the well. When Fantasy goes to find her, she gets bitten by Mac's decapitated but still quite ambulatory head, bitten on the ass. But Fantasy sees things so everyone dismisses her.

And then one by one, things go batshit. Sweety is beat up by futons & bedding to be turned into a doll. The girls sniff her panties to confirm its her. Kung Fu defends herself from chopped wood, loses her skirt and spends the rest of the movie running around in only panties. Gorgeous, who if this was an american movie would be the Final Girl, is... well, it involves her aunt's dressing table, mirror and makeup. And a terrible special effect that is her being consumed by ... fire? I have no idea, but she is missing. All the while Auntie has jumped up from her wheelchair and is dancing. And in case we didn't get it, we get a scene of her chowing down on Mac's limbs.

I forgot to mention the white cat that found her way to Gorgeous's bedroom at the beginning, into the train car when the girls were coming to Auntie's home in the country and finally, into Auntie's lap. Nobody ever asks why but guess what? That cat is Evil with green blinking eyes that initiate a lot of the batshit events.

I am not sure now, as I write this, that things were supposed to have a surreal aspect. I think it was more meant to be scary as all hell but the special effects are so terrible, things seem to drug induced to not be way out there.  I get Melody being eaten by a piano, but what is with the psychedelic lit up keys and her chomped off fingers continuing to play?

The thing that surprised me most about this movie was the familiar kink of current Japan fiction. Fan service, ala panty shots galore, is ever present but some "clothes ripped off" nudity was not expected. I get it, 70s horror movies in America were doing it then, having the bad girls murdered while changing or sexing it up, but this is very much the form we see in all the anime and schlock horror movies of today. Just wasn't expecting it to be a thing of the 70s as well.

In the end, this is a very very bad movie but so enjoyable because you are never sure what is intentional or what is just someone's attempt at shock or eeriness. P.S. We never do get to know why Mr Togo, the creepy old guy coming to find them, was meant to do because he gets turned into a bunch of bananas by Creepy Watermelon Guy.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

2014, Frank Miller, Robert Rodriguez (From Dusk Till Dawn) -- Netflix

The first movie, Sin City, is from the days before Frank Miller proved himself to be a misogynist and dropped from the hearts & minds of the comic book world. Oh, there are still the mouth breathers that love what he does and what he stands for, but really, despite having created some of the most iconic images out there, he is not liked very much these days. The extreme worlds he creates, film noir but full of ultra-violence and over the top characters, are still compelling but I am not sure if the world wants it anymore, and even Robert Rodriguez seems to be calling this one in.

As the movie opened, my first thoughts were, "Was it always this cartoony?" I remember Sin City with its shadows, the angles and the stark black vs white. But I don't remember it being so phony looking. Maybe its just time, but for the most part, the movie forgets how to setup a scene, much of them looking like SyFy level green screen creations. Cartoony. Only the scenes that are built straight from the comic have any weight to them, any allure and wonder. THOSE scenes look incredible.  Nancy on her bed in a halo of the sheets. Dwight coming in through the skylight. But even the tastefully (*snerk*) done nude scenes with Eva Green become tiresome as the "look! artful shadows! obscuring smoke!" is used over and over and over. By the end of the movie, I was wishing the style was done away with for this movie.

As for the movie itself, it resurrects the mixed stories and chronology of the first but messes up any continuity, completely, utterly and confoundingly. Marv should be dead for about half the movie, based on what he did in the first. If they are happening concurrently, then at least cut his hair to mirror the first's, not that silly mullet he is wearing. And even if you ignore the Dwight is not Clive Owen bit, things gets messed up there too. Yes, this movie requires Googling someone's blog post to even make half-sense of the timelines. That is what nails the coffin lid down for this movie, showing it to be slapped together for dollars and not whatsoever for the art it could be.

Was there anything enjoyable to warrant the Like I gave it on Netflix?  Yes, Josh Brolin is utterly brilliant in this, from his glare and growl to the way his body moves. He is solid meat and willpower and carries every scene he is in. Eva Green really plays the Miller iconic woman, i.e. All Women Are Evil Manipulative Witches, to the tee. Yes, her breasts do as much of the acting as she does, but she really seems to relish these roles. And Gordon Joseph Levitt's truncated character arc is completely sold; you could tell he just dove into the role, and I just loved loved loved those stacks of coins they gambled with. Really, those coins made me forgive much of the movie.

OK, I suppose I should own up a bit. I won't deny the Nancy dance scenes still work for me. But her story arc was wasted.  Having her go nutzoid and Marv tagging along like a lovesick puppy was a disappointment, because one of the things the first movie had established is that Nancy gained strength from the death of Hartigan. Shame.

What I Am Watching: The Last Ship, True Blood, Doctor Who

One has just started, one has just ended and the other is moved just beyond its premise.

Doctor Who, season eight, the Peter Capaldi years, are just beginning. The young guys Matt Smith & David Tenant are behind us and someone older than me is putting the coat on. And already they deal with the weird relationship the Doctor has with his companion, whether its romantic or just friend-zoned. Does Clara have a crush on him? Can she deal with the new face? What about him and how does he deal with new old & wrinkled guy? This first episode, which tosses a giant dinosaur in Victorian London along with the return of Pasternoster Gang. The second episode, which picks up the Dalek storyline and the Doctor's murderous relationship with them.

This season is going to be more about the inner turmoil that is the Doctor. "Am I a good man?" is what he is asking. Has any season other than the first of this new era ever not been about the Doctor looking inward? He has guilt over the loss of his homeworld, he has pangs of regret over his genocidal wars against the Daleks and the Cybermen, he has anguish about what he subjects his companions too. But he so very rarely ever, truly deals with it. He is still running, as he has been for hundreds of years. So, how will we present this season and his inner troubles? His intentions are always to Do Right but his actions often involve massive amounts of destruction and death, on both sides.

Clara is out by mid-season end, which is actually rather appropriate. We found out why she is the Impossible Girl which leaves her just another mid-twenties girl romping about for a bit of time travel fun. I guess after he develops more of what their relationship will be, she will be off to have a real life. I never got that; if you can leave and return pretty much always at the same time you left, you can always continue on as per normal. Yes, even with his mess ups. The only thing you end up having to deal with is all the horrible things you experience, but the companions always seem rather immune to that. Clara is my favourite of the companions, but really its about those dimples and that smile, not whether she plays a good companion.

As for Capaldi, I am still on the fence. I like the actor but I am not sure I like his Doctor. In only two episodes we are establishing his lack of empathy, but that may just be post-regeneration trauma. I doubt it. I think this guy is going to be cold, detached, uncaring. And that is what is going to drive Clara away, as she gives up being his emotion attachment. But do we need a Dark Doctor? Considering his timeline in the Line of Doctors, I suppose it is appropriate.

With Capaldi beginning his reign, Vampire Bill ends his. Well, technically, he hasn't been reigning over anything since the end of last season on True Blood. Godlike Vampire Bill has gone back to being plain ol' Bill Compton. Super Fairy Vampire Warlow was drained to temporarily give a bunch of vampires sun immunity but that soon faded and Bon Temps (and the world) was left with the legacy of HepV, a virus that kills the vamps but not before they go mad with blood lust, even more so than usual.

Knowing this is the final season, all the stops are out. This is balls to the walls, off the rails, <insert third catch phrase> story telling. We have two things to truly deal with -- HepV and the primary storyline of Bill & Sookie. Nothing ends a series better than a full circle turn as Bill and Sookie kind of make up, well, as soon as they forget about Werewolf Alcide dying an ignoble death from a bullet. People come and go in this town, often in horrible ways, which everyone just reacts to by getting drunk at the local watering hole, Merlotte's now Bellefleur's. We even get a slight commentary on that from Sam Merlotte's wife who freaks out on everyone and demands her & Sam leave. They do.

The season does some cleaning up. Tara and her mother reconcile, post mortem via vampire blood induced shared hallucinations. Lala meets the boy of his dreams, Jessica's rocker boytoy. Hoyt returns to remember forgetting about Jessica. Jason's dominatrix girlfriend freaks out and has to be put down. Nobody really liked her anyway. Viking Sex God Eric and Pam find Sarah Newlin who turns out to be the cure to HepV and they have some tussles with the Japanese manufacturers of Tru Blood. Jason has a sexy dream about Eric, which is never mentioned again, but I imagine fueled a lot of fanfic. So much happens but really it is circling around Vampire Bill and his final days, infected by a super strain of HepV, contracted from Sookie.

Bill wants to die. He has had enough of pain and anger and violence and ill fated love. Its his time to end so he can go back to his original family whom he still misses. Screw Sookie and her need to have an ill-fated lover. There are hints that maybe, just maybe, Sookie's super strain might make Bill human again and give us a Happy Ever After, but no, we end the series with Bill convincing her that her only happiness can be from being away from all these vampires, even ignoring the fact that werewolves, fairy-vamps and other such folk haven't helped much either. But she succumbs to his desire and SPLOOSH, no more Vampire Bill. Fade into.... ludicrous ending scene of everyone with kids and happy and la tee dah, Sookie and an anonymous bearded human baby daddy. Not a graceful ending to a roller coaster of a series.

And then we have the very sobre, very stable, rah rah America (!) show called The Last Ship.  It is post-apocalypse, post world ending plague, with a lone american battleship cruising the waters trying to find / develop a cure for said plague. Yes, they actually have a credible scientist on board and yes, they are aware there is not much of a world left to save, especially not much of a US of A. But they are focused, dedicated and disciplined in doing what needs to be done. Its actually rather admirable despite the Michael Bay-isms of choral music over melodrama. Yes, really Michael Bay, as one of the executive producers.

But surprisingly, I am rather enjoying it - a lot!!  Its not quite a small story, but it has such a laser focus on what it wants to accomplish. Of course, they deal quickly with the crew's desire to leave the ship and find out if their families are alive. They quickly establish why they exist, as a crew with a sole focus. Of course, many acknowledge that there isn't really an America left to be defending. Of course, there is an adversary. And of course, they are running out of supplies & fuel. But the first couple of episodes deal with that so we can focus on curing the plague.

And, by the end of the first season, we are done with that. Wow. They actually found a cure; not just a vaccine but a cure. Even the scientist seems surprised over that. So, they return to the US, to find a facility capable of mass producing, and find... what's left of the US in turmoil. New Leaders, corrupt leaders, rebel leaders, sealed New Best Race people, etc. All the dystopia you would want. Its actually a rather brilliant way to play out the new world, instead of just constantly having the Cure storyline fail time after time. And it has me in its grasp.

I don't usually pay attention to acting in a TV series, as it rarely does anything impress me. But in a focus on four main characters, you get so much range.  Eric Dane is Commander Tom Chandler, is direct, focused, lacking emotion (while boiling inside) and the moral compass the ship needs. Adam Baldwin is his XO, your typical rah-rah American soldier, pretty reflective of Adam himself, but falls under the charismatic leadership of his captain. Rhona Mitra is the civilian CDC scientist, arrogant, assured but terrified at the responsibility on her shoulders. And then there is odd man out, John Pyper-Ferguson, the proto-Canadian actor playing Tex, an American "contractor" whom they pick up in Guantanamo Bay. He is brash, cheerful (where none should exist) and utterly, cutely crushing on Mitra.

I am looking forward to see if they can spin the show into a couple of seasons before they inevitably lose steam. Post-apocalypse, with an agenda, is hard to maintain once that agenda is dispersed. They will have to be pretty creative to keep the audience.

What I Am Watching: The Leftovers, The Strain, Witches of East End

From level of intensity, lightest to heaviest, I am watching all three of these in chunks as downloading tends to lend itself to, one episode here, another couple there.

Witches of East End is something we knew about but never even attempted to see. Who needs another CW level show, young beautiful people mixed up in magic and myth. Surprisingly its not related to the The Witches of East Wick, which I keep on forgetting and having to edit out. It actually borrows more from Practical Magic (book and movie with Sandra Bullock) than it does the movie with three witches and and roguish Devil, which became its own terrible TV show back in 2009. It is about familial magic and the bonds between people. And love triangles. And sex. And some tenuous connection to Norse mythos.

Based on a popular novel by someone more attuned to YA fiction, the first episode actually is pretty decent. Love triangles, quirky dialogue, and fun magic. The dialogue was actually charming, no not Charmed charming more Buffy charming. OK, that was a lame attempt at a segue but, BUT, there is a reason we call this show "the next boobie show". You see, in our household, we refer to TV shows that I mostly watch for ... certain features, as "boobie shows".  First there was Charmed and then there was Ghost Whisperer and now there is this one. Yes, Jenna Dewan-Tatum (Mrs. Magic Mike) has such lovely eyes; no really! They really are gorgeous. But where was I? Oh yeah, dialogue. They go for quirky, amusing quips and comments that are actually meant as dialogue between characters, not just for the audience. And I love that. So, it actually made me perk up while watching it (shaddup you) and interested enough to watch the coming episodes.

And that is where things begin to flop. Plot holes, terrible story lines, truncated time (meet someone, fall in love, watch him die, get over him -- all in three days), randomalia and emotional yoyo-s make me cringe and/or giggle almost every episode. This has become a wander-out-of-the-room type of show for me, as "plots" lose me and those eyes are not enough to keep me interested. We have had them told about their mystical powers, broken the love triangle for a new hate triangle, met new lovers, watched said lovers die, talked about long lost family members, have said family members instantly show up, etc. Basically all the attributes of a show that is dependent on a room full of writers trying to contribute something, anything. It ends up being all so random.

And let's not talk about the weird hentai tentacle porn/rape sub-plot.

Meanwhile, I knew I was going to enjoy The Strain.

Not only am I a fan of Guillermo del Toro but I have read and enjoyed the book series (show is adaptation) he wrote with Chuck Hogan. I never really get how co-writing works, but I usually assume one person has the bulk of the plot in mind and the other does the majority of the heavy lifting, the actual work of writing. Either way, it still felt like something del Toro would write. Its a vampire story but in the three novels, it goes from plague story (infection spreading) to zombie (a few survivors surrounded by the walking dead) to post-apocalypse (a world now changed for the worse) story. Its down all of my alleys. Which sounds dirtier than it is.

The show is being shot here in Toronto so I am a little ashamed with myself for not trying to be an extra. But you know, that whole lose job-looking for work-new job dominated my life this year. But it is still fun watching last winter's footage appear everywhere in the show, even when they are a bit obvious wandering into a building with ROM banners behind them. Toronto has a feel to it, that lends itself well to Manhattan and the surrounding boroughs that play heavily in the story.

I am enjoying it, but I am also a bit perturbed. It is following the book pretty damn well, but adapting to TV as well. But, it is not doing the serial story very well. Unless you intend on making a "mini series" (do they exist anymore?) you have to establish some sort of self-contained episodic story telling. This, well, it just plays one episode into the next. Each episode, for better for worse, is just leading to something big and each episode only gives us a bit more of what is going to happen. That can be a bit annoying, but for the fact that each episode is still pretty well done, with the gore and the monsters and the balance of the varied cast.

And this is how I like my vampires, horrific and monstrous.

Now, speaking of horrific, we have the deep seated pain and grief of The Leftovers. In this series, a Rapture style event has happened and 2% of the world just ... disappeared. Men, women, children and infants were there one moment and gone the next. No explanation, none ever found. It is three years later and the world is still recovering, the world still with its open wound, its loss and the ramifications of such a wide affecting event.

I found the show very heavy and difficult in the first few episodes. Everyone is living with some aspect of the event, whether they lost someone or they are involved in dealing with the messes left behind. Chief Garvey is our main character, who lost a wife to one of the cults that emerged after the event. His daughter suffers the loss of her mother, the change in the world around her and an awareness of how damaged her father has become. Everyone is just so much in pain, sometimes the show is almost unbearable. Grief, heavy and palpable as I have never seen it depicted before.

But the show expands, with intertwining stories about the cults, the infrastructure that has emerged in the aftermath (everyone can make a buck), the way everyone is dealing or not dealing and the pregnant anticipation that this cannot be the only event. What do the cults hope to accomplish? Who is the Dog Hunter? Why does Garvey black out? Can Holy Wayne actually hug the pain out of you? It is Lost comparable in often giving more mysteries then it ever hopes to answer.

But for me, its a story tellers tangible way of depicting unexplainable upset. Everyone seems to be left in this unending state of disarray, never completely understanding why they are the way they are. Some have good reasons, such as losing their entire families, while others are just absorbing the peripheral grief of the event. But everyone is affected, everyone is dealing. I often feel our entire world exhibits this now, all the time, with so much intangible stress around us, from world events, from the guilt of plenty, from family, from just living. This takes this feeling many people have and wraps it around an inexplicable event.

3 Short Paragraphs: Under the Skin

2013, Jonathan Glazer (Sexy Beast) -- download

Gawddammit, where is Roger Ebert when I need him to write intelligently about something that both intrigued and mystified me. He had an ability to break through the BS of conceptual, arty movies and see the wonder of filmmaking behind them.  This is the second of Glazer's movie since 2000's Sexy Beast. What has he been doing? How has he been keeping himself? Will this be his return? How did he get Scarlett Johannson to play this unglamorous yet viscerally attractive alien woman? Can you wade past the pretense of its visual style and utter lack of conventional storytelling and find something under? Roger would have helped me sort this out.

Alas, it is left to me. Scarlett is an alien; this much we should know from the talk about the movie, or gather very quickly when she ... absorbs her first victim. Or we can assume she is an average serial killer stalking the Scottish countryside in a white panel van (!!!), seducing any male she finds very very alone. Our brief windows into her alien-ness are very Kubrick, all directed lights and all-white or all-black rooms, where the victims sink, faster and faster depending on the level of their lust. The victims are the stereotypes of the Scottish youth, all big ears and outrageous sports jerseys and incomprehensible accents. But one, a young man with neurofibromatosis (often called elephant man's disease), touches her like none of the others, and she releases him. Thus begins her descent towards humanity.

This is an almost impenetrable film. It is slow, stylish, has little dialogue and even less story. Yes, yes, it has full frontal Scarlett but not in any alluring manner, her nakedness almost being clinical, full of genuine discomfort. Some would just be happy to see her nude, while the Internet whined about her being "fat", I was just absorbed in her alien character, uncomfortable for her as she looked at her human body, as if for the first time. The movie is about her performance, not all choreographed and edited like her usual flicks. The movie is about... about... I am not sure.  And yet, I didn't nod off. I was enthralled and not bored until it ended, abruptly with no explanation. Just, an end.

What I Am Watching: True Blood, Luther, Under the Dome

SPOILERS.  You are warned.

Yes, we are still watching True Blood long after having given up on it. Why? Because of the train wreck appeal (forgive me that phrase considering the news of late) the show currently has, as if they were writing the show to elicit outrageous, over the top internet reactions and spawn terribly funny recaps. Consider what is going on this season. Werewolf Alcide, when not selling ice cream, is now full-on angry wolf leading his pack and being an asshole, Sookie the Half-Faerie is still fucking anybody who comes around the corner, this time being Ben, the Faerie-Vampire who happens to be the oldest vampire on earth and the alluded Big Bad of last season Warlow. Meanwhile Vampire Bill drank Lilith's blood (yeah, that Lilith) and has become some sort of uber-vamp. Meanwhile the Governor of Louisiana is on a rampage, tossing vamps into concentration camps, where they have them concentrate on fucking and killing each other. Meanwhile Terry, the damaged war veteran, got himself murdered and the 4 faerie daughters of Sherrif Andy got themselves eaten by Jessica, after having grown to teenager age in a few episodes. Annnd breathe.

Those are just the story lines I care to talk about. Its all a chaotic mess of intersecting plots with no attempt at order. Internet ready taglines and common phrases, ready to be shouted at the screen, are the norm for this season. They pick up and drop story lines sometimes in less than an episode. "Its the merkin queens !!" when Lilith and her ghostly, always nude, entourage shows up. "Faerie vaginas glow when they are aroused ?!?!" But will I stop watching? Nope. LaLa still rocks.

Ending its three series / season run this year is Luther. The show stars Idris Elba, the coolest guy on big and small screens these days, as a cop working the serious & serial crimes division. We were introduced to him as a man of extremes, letting some criminals die instead of bringing them to justice, and just not dealing well with his breakup. But a series of unfortunate deaths and a cat & mouse game with a sociopathic suspect tempers him as the show progresses. At first he is all about anger, and he scares those around him, but he is always a skilled investigator, if a bit unorthodox.

This unorthodox but always productive nature is what almost brings everything down around him. He is finally getting over the death of his wife, at the hands of his best friend & partner, and is dating Mary. But a previous colleague, at odds with his brusk attitude and that unorthodox behaviour is working her own investigation, trying to pin all the world's woes on him. She does have a point though, as numerous people have died in his presence, from suspects to friends.

Elba is incredible as John Luther. We all know he is a big man, but in this series he looms over all the supporting cast, even as he constantly slouches under his tweed coat. I want to describe how compelling his character is as an investigator, instinctive and resourceful, but its not about being all Sherlockian, its about the nature of his approach that is appealing -- that and the equally compelling villains. The whole show started with Alice, the sociopath in love with Luther (if she can even feel love) and there was the dice rolling twins, obsessed with playing a real life RPG, killing people to earn experience points. This season the killers are secondary to his own investigation, but the lynch pin remains a vigilante who is killing those who escaped justice and presenting it to the world via the Internet. Luther should be his peer, so everyone thinks, but this is an evolved man who understands the murderous crusader has to stop.

On the lighter side, I am compelled to watch Under the Dome but really, I should have listened to my burbling gut. Anytime Stephen King highly recommends a screen adaptation of his story, we are in for trouble. He just loves the TV and film production process so much, he never seems to notice how much crap has been produced from his work.

In the book King takes a small specfic premise, of a town that is suddenly trapped under an invisible dome (no not perfectly half sphere) with no explanation, and expands it into a Lord of the Flies analogy. What makes the book so good are the characters, who are often brought into the show in name only. So much has changed, I don't find any characters interesting or sympathetic. As expected, acting is middling and since they wanted to extend this into a full blown series, not even a short-life mini-series, they are stretching plot ideas very very thinly into episodes. I am still watching but I am not sure for how long.

3 Short Paragraphs: Spring Breakers

2012, Harmony Korine (Gummo, writer Kids) -- download

Harmony Korine is a highly lauded indie director and writer, most known for his writing of the skaters meet AIDS movie Kids. The followup cult movie Gummo was equally panned and raved about by critics for being idiosyncratic and / or indecipherable. Trash Humpers was at the TIFF, and yeah, that is enough said about it. He is the kind of art-trash indie director that your hipster film school ex-boyfriend goes on and on about when he is stoned. Think Gregg Araki for this generation. But me? I don't know, this was the first movie of his I have seen. I read some good reviews, but I admit, part of the reason I wanted to see it was dirty old man voyeurism. What? Shoot me.

So yeah, this is really a movie about the current generation of sex fueled wild teenagers, the kids who grew up exposing themselves in digital cameras or smart phone selfies and non-stop 24 hour free internet porn. Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson and Rachel Korine (yes, his wife) are four post-high school girls in Kentucky -- the bored bad girls smoking, drinking and doing cocaine. OK, Selena is the good little Christian girl but these are her BFFs. They want to do Spring Break on Florida but barely have enough for the bus ride. So, three of them rob the local diner armed with hammers, squirt guns and gangsta rap inspired foul mouths. And off they go.

This is the post-Girls Gone Wild world where kids trash the cheap Florida hotels doing drinks, drugs and sex to excess. We are presented with over-saturated montages filled with beer bongs, boobs and big booties all the while listening to Selena's good girl dialogue about how they are here to find themselves. This is what makes a 20 year old desperate to go there for Spring Break and a 40 year old wonder why his youth missed all that, for better or worse. OK, mostly for worse -- these kids would make my parenting peers hide their daughters away forever. Things actually only get worse for the girls when the police raid a party and the creepy, ever fascinating Alien (James Franco) shows up to bail them out. Presented with real bad behaviour (guns, violence, etc.) some of them fall into it naturally and some of them realize the spring fantasy really cannot last forever. And Alien? Alien realizes life is not Grand Theft Auto. Is it a good movie? No. Is it fascinating? Yes, oh yes, and I am sure that is all Korine committed to.

3 Short Paragraphs: Creature

2011, Fred Andrews -- netflix

Picture it: three men of varying ages are hanging out, eating chili and pie, drinking beers and coctails, and playing Lovecraft-inspired boardgames.  In a fit of inspiration they search for a little televideo-based background material in a similar vein to the games that they're playing.  But nothing "old ones-ish" is to be found (and Old Dogs was off the table).  They struggle through the "horror" category, not finding anything even remotely satisfying, so the rubber-suited alien poster of Creature is chosen.

Only it's a bait and switch.  It's the 1985 poster but it's a 2011 cabin-in-the-woods, redneck swamp monster movie.  At least we still got a rubber suit. To be perfectly honest, we weren't paying full or even really partial attention to this movie.  We were gaming, so we had our priorities straight.  A stupid direct-to-video horror movie shouldn't require you to pay attention, but this one surprisingly expected you to.  It made very little sense, starting with an opening full-frontal sequence that lead into an albino crocodile attack.  It was quite obviously croc water, I'm not certain why she decided to go for a swim.

We're introduced to the cabin-in-the-woods kids, the usual group of girls and guys paired up and ready to fornicate in the woods, but first a pit-stop at the ramshackle gas bar with requisite creepy fuckers (Sid Haig!), a scene so cliche and satirized so perfectly in the recent Cabin In The Woods, that it's pretty much self-parodying now.  They get to the cabin, wisely decide to camp outside of it, and then begin a-drinkin' and a-sexin'.  Alas, a monster has emerged from the darkness to punish them for their lascivious ways, but then it turns out one of the kids is the monster and Sid Haig is his dad and... I don't really know what the hell happened in this film. Don't watch this film.  Go read the wikipedia entry and save yourself the time.