3 Short Paragraphs: Creature

2011, Fred Andrews -- netflix

Picture it: three men of varying ages are hanging out, eating chili and pie, drinking beers and coctails, and playing Lovecraft-inspired boardgames.  In a fit of inspiration they search for a little televideo-based background material in a similar vein to the games that they're playing.  But nothing "old ones-ish" is to be found (and Old Dogs was off the table).  They struggle through the "horror" category, not finding anything even remotely satisfying, so the rubber-suited alien poster of Creature is chosen.

Only it's a bait and switch.  It's the 1985 poster but it's a 2011 cabin-in-the-woods, redneck swamp monster movie.  At least we still got a rubber suit. To be perfectly honest, we weren't paying full or even really partial attention to this movie.  We were gaming, so we had our priorities straight.  A stupid direct-to-video horror movie shouldn't require you to pay attention, but this one surprisingly expected you to.  It made very little sense, starting with an opening full-frontal sequence that lead into an albino crocodile attack.  It was quite obviously croc water, I'm not certain why she decided to go for a swim.

We're introduced to the cabin-in-the-woods kids, the usual group of girls and guys paired up and ready to fornicate in the woods, but first a pit-stop at the ramshackle gas bar with requisite creepy fuckers (Sid Haig!), a scene so cliche and satirized so perfectly in the recent Cabin In The Woods, that it's pretty much self-parodying now.  They get to the cabin, wisely decide to camp outside of it, and then begin a-drinkin' and a-sexin'.  Alas, a monster has emerged from the darkness to punish them for their lascivious ways, but then it turns out one of the kids is the monster and Sid Haig is his dad and... I don't really know what the hell happened in this film. Don't watch this film.  Go read the wikipedia entry and save yourself the time.