Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar: Day 8 - Enchanting Christmas

2024, Brian Brough (Christmas Angel) -- download

Not to mixed up with Enchanted Christmas, a 2017 Hallmarkie starring Alex PenaVega of Spy Kids fame and her IRL husband Carlos.

Another from the leftovers bin and ... oh, gawds it turned out to be a terrible terrible knock-off of Hot Santa... wait, what was the movie called again? Oh yeah, Hot Frosty ! Hot Santa is that fashion model white bearded dude. Anywayz, as Peanut Gallery says, they are both just Pygmalion myth rip-offs.... but can you really rip-off myths?

Remember when I thought of watching nothing but off-market Hallmarkies? This should nail that coffin shut. Well, once I clean my leftovers bin out. 

Meta: While Googling this movie, I found a Reddit thread from someone who thought it was an actual Hallmark movie and was shouted down, as is the way of Reddit, by people who found it to be a GAF (Great American Family - the Xian "competition" for Hallmark; Kent and us discussed it in comments last year) but its really just an off-market indie movie sold to Amazon in the US... but not available in Canada on Prime.

The Draw: Most likely because it was a gender-bent knock-off of Hot Frosty.

HERstory: Technically it starts with HIStory. We start with the snowy wintry probably mountain PST flyover and a one room shack quaint log cabin where Single Dad Ben (Brando White, Dashing in December) carves ice, for money, but is still down on his luck due to overdue hospital bills from a recent accident. The bank is denying his loan. Poor Single Dad Ben.

As poor Single Dads do, they want to give their only daughters a perfect Xmas but are short on cash, so daughter Annie (Ava Jarque, The Housewives of the North Pole [?!?!?!?]) doesn't actually want anything. Instead she wishes on a... star? Snowfall? I don't remember, but Ben says he will carve her an Ice Princess as an early Xmas Gift, something out of a book he reads to her, a princess in a Green Dress... meh, I prefer Red Dresses.

It was at this point in the viewing I remembered why I downloaded the flick -- that it was to be a Hot Frosty knock-off! So, while I lasciviously commented, "Will she appear naked?" I had to remind myself that Frosty had appeared naked but for the magic scarf he was wearing, because he was a snowman only wearing a (magic) scarf & toque. Ice Princess is carved wearing a dress, as per the story.

Anywayz, the carving is ... well, its ugly - a grimacing simulacrum of a girl. But Ben has worked hard on it, late into the night, so Annie can see come morning. But the next morning, they approach the statue and ... oh noes, its just a pile of broken ice blocks. Something weather related must have broken it! Ben promises to do a new one, but it won't be ready for Xmas. Sad Annie.

Of note, there was a severe lack of any special effects when the "magic" happened. Its a sign of how lacking in any budget this movie has.

Anywayz, Ben has to leave Annie all alone in the woods while he heads to town to talk about a job for Dick Richman (John Donovan Wilson, Santa, Maybe), a real estate bro who really dislikes Ben but needs something special for his part in the town tree lighting ceremony. Or Christmas Fair. Something community related but which plays so little a part in the movie, I no longer recall.

While Ben is out, Annie finds a pretty blonde (well, bleached blonde with roots showing) lady in a green dress lost in the woods. Magic! She's very confused; after all she's a brand new person. Annie names her Jade Frost (Emily Sweet, Boss, Your Wife is Super Cool) and invites her in for hot chocolate cuz she's cold ("..and now I'm wiggling...") -- luckily there is no need to maintain a sub-zero temperature for Jade, so the hot drink with puffy white things goes down well. Annie comments on Dead Mom; Sad Annie has magic-ed herself up a new mom! But when Dad shows up, she has to explain why this strange hot lady is in their house. Enter a lie only an 8 year old can tell -- she's a teacher at her school and there was an apartment leak and she has no where else to go, so Annie offered her the spare room (in their one room shack which is "bigger on the inside") for a few weeks. Dad, expectedly, freaks. Who are you lady? Get the Hell out of my house! I don't care if you have nowhere to go and no family and no money for a motel and... no coat! Get out of my house! Well, if the movie had more emotional energy than a damp blanket, it might have gone that way, but he does ask her to leave. But immediately after, noticing she has no coat, he relents and ... roomies! Happy Annie.

The little family has dinner, where Jade is surprised that food has taste, and has trouble answering the most basic questions about ... well, basic human interaction. But that's OK, she's a hot blonde, so Ben overlooks. The next day, Jade will need clothes other than a green dress, so Annie grabs her savings and heads to the local thrift shop. The scene decides its important to point out that Jade is good at math. After shopping comes the first trope, a stop at the local Kids Crafting Event, where Jade impresses everyone by making a very pretty stocking, and is nice to people and meets... well, low-rent Santa masquerading as a school janitor. He tells Jade the rules of Ice Princess-dom, wherein if she doesn't convince Ben to accept that Magic Made Her and still accept her as a person (which, technically, she ain't) by Xmas Eve, she will turn back into ice.

Seriously, low rent Santa gives off more ex-biker now school janitor while on parole vibes than friendly magic monger.

So, Ben has that sculpture to make for Dick Richman which involves Santa and his sleigh and his reindeer, so Ben needs inspiration from .... real reindeer. He says, "I mean elk" which makes me think of the whole European vs North American debate of elk vs deer vs moose, but these are proper reindeer, not elk. Jade's drawings are MUCH better than Ben's, so I guess magic is required for good art? This is supposed to be the establishment of some rapport between the two but all her responses are one, two or three words. This is not dialogue, this is not conversation. I know its supposed to reflect the idea she is a New Person, but doesn't it come off as weird to him? Like, not attractive? Or is this idealizing her as the perfect Trad Wife, who is pretty but has few words and fewer thoughts.

Then we get another crafting event (candy apples), key to showing how well Annie and Jade interact together, and how considerate Jade is, this time adding in some Annie complication around a boy she likes (he's a bully) and a boy who likes her.  Because this movie didn't take the "learn life from watching Netflix" shortcut, all we get are more examples of Jade responding, "I don't know," to every question asked of her.

All this leads to Annie suggesting they go on a date. Ben asks Jade out for dinner, at a local busy, noisy diner where they run into Dick Richman who is jealous of Ben dating a hot blonde, criticizes Ben's choice of resto (which he is standing in, at that exact moment) and knocks over a waitress in his frustration that Jade lack of enthusiasm with his slicked back pony-tail. Dick Richman departs after basically screaming, "I'll have my revenge!". Ben and Jade go outside for churros, hot chocolate and more weird, awkward magic advice for Jade, from Janitor Santa.

Dick Richman's revenge doesn't make sense. He decides to ruin Ben's sculpture, the sculpture he commissioned, the sculpture he is using to win cred with the town mayor. Dick Richman ain't so smart. Exceeept, instead of a pool of water, Ben finds slightly melty reindeer which he re-carves into slightly smaller reindeer.... they don't even try to reference the "eight tiny reindeer" idea.

So, final day. Christmas Fair, Ben's reindeer sculpture is a success, which I guess is supposed to imply more work in the future (??) but, finally, Ben learns that Jade is not a teacher who needed a place to stay. Outraged, he confronts her and Jade tells her story, which Ben translates as Con Woman. So, the clues weren't there all along? Anywayz, Ben yells, Jade cries and runs away, knowing she is about to be iced. Janitor Santa has some words of "wisdom" for Annie (really, she should be creeped out by this creepy Santa) and then Janitor Santa asks Ben one question (which I don't recall) but it is enough for Ben to be attacked by a montage of memories scene, one where a normal person would go, "wow, she was really clueless" but he interprets as, "oh maybe she was actually a magic girl made from ice & wishes!" and so Ben & Annie hop in his broke-ass pickup to chase after Jade.

Meanwhile Jade has walked home faster than they could drive and... turned back into ice, dress and all. But never to be defeated by time-laden Xmas Magic, Ben gives the ice statue a heartfelt confession of love and as the two walk away broken hearted, the lack of special effects turn a blue light bulb on behind them and... Jade is a person again. The two kiss and will now have to deal with the complications of proper ID, her first period (as Peanut Gallery pointed out, will be rather shocking), and all the other stuff involved with ice becoming people.

The Formulae: OK, there is a PST (apparently its also called Stone Bridge which we never see any reason for) and a Christmas Fair / Tree Lighting and an Xmas Deadline and lots of hot chocolate and Xmas Activities and a Green Dress and a complication and a Dead Mom.

Unformulae: But for the most part, its pretty much not on formula, given it wants to be the Hot Frosty knock-off with the whole Cinderella midnight deadline but she's the pumpkin. There is no complicating Big City and no, common enough to all the other Hallmarkies I have watched this season, massive family house ("bigger on the inside" one room shack doesn't count). There is also no work work work to complicate her pretty empty head. 

The house thing has been brought up before, but usually someone in a Hallmarkie is uber-rich. Late Stage Capitalism is a thing in these movie and unless it is imperative to the plot, usually have more money than wits.

True Calling? No, I am going to say that Christmas was never all that enchanting. They could have gone with Christmas Enchantment and that's even available, but didn't.

The Rewind: No rewind, but I cannot  help but keep chuckling over Jade's utterance of "now I'm wiggling" which sounds naughtier than confused description of shivering.

The Regulars: Nobody; this is so far off track, these people are barely actors let along regulars.

How does it Hallmark? So, even a non-formula movie can Hallmarkie the #@!% out of things by focusing on the core ideal of an emerging love. But in this Pygmalion thing its kind of creepy to begin, especially with the "born sexy yesterday" trope in play. But not only can these two not act, but there is no way the scripted interactions between the two should lead to anything but horniness on his part. I am not sure she, who has difficulty understand hunger, would understand attraction. Basically I am saying they had the chemistry of wet snow. 

How does it movie? Astoundingly terrible. One thing I noticed about the zero-budget flicks is a lack of background ... anything. There are barely any extras, and most don't have any contribution to the movie. Almost all shots are close ups with massive amount of bokeh. Sets are minimal, and the most basic location shots. All the dialogue is flat, the interactions empty and the characters wooden. Also, as previously mentioned, the movie cannot afford ANY special effects, not even simple lighting effects beyond a blue bulb lighting off camera.

But in some weird masochistic way, this movie was a lot of fun to recollect and write. Maybe I crave the terrible?

Oh oh, something from my notes!! At least half a dozen times, when they did the requisite "fly over shot" of the PST, I could have sworn it was done by AI, which will emerge as the poor-man's CGI in movies to come. Its chilling to consider....

How Does It Snow?  In town, not at all. Like not cold, typical shot-on-a-set stuff, but when they are around his cabin in the woods, its all massive amounts of REAL SNOW with banks and snow piled high on branches.

T&K's Xmas (2025) Advent Caledar - Day 3: Christmas at the Catnip Cafe

2025, d. Lucie Guest - Hallmark/W

The Draw: Kitties!

HERstory: After an opening montage of cats playing and being assholes, knocking shit over, we jump back 30 years in time to see young  Olivia spending Christmas with her Aunt Esther as her parents jet off to London. There's a cat in a tree which she hears. The scene is maybe 30 seconds long and tells us...nothing.

Smash cut to present day and Olivia (Erin Cahill) is looking at a new condo. She seems to like it but can't quite afford it. Smash cut to her at her old condo, where she's having a business meeting, which is interrupted when she gets a message about a meeting regarding her Great Aunt Esther's estate. Olivia is inheriting half of her aunts cat cafe business... the other half is owned by Dr. Ben King and she wonders if he's interested in buying her out. Turns out she missed the funeral even. She seems like she was so connected to her dead aunt.

Smash cut to Kane Vet Clinic, where Dr. Ben King works with his sister, and apparently, despite the packed waiting room, money is tight? He's the type of vet that goes an extra mile (sometimes literally) for his clients. 

She goes to her aunt's PST, Felicity, NY(?!?), to stay and check out the cat cafe until it's sold. She spies  Dr. Ben King in the window of his clinic and is instantly smitten. She then walks into a Christmas tree. She goes to the Catnip Cafe and, hey, cats! And they're all up for adoption. But apparently they're not very particular about their beans.

Olivia wants to sell the business, as she has a developer on the line, but Dr. Ben King loves the cafe and its impact on the community, so he has no interest in selling. She asks Ben to buy her out but all his money is tied up in the clinic, so they're at an impasse, and their early flirtation has turned to dagger eyes.

Flashback! Olivia replaces bulbs in a string of lights. Wow!

Olivia consults her lawyer. Dr. Ben King bitches to his sister about Olivia. She asks him if he's bringing anyone to dinner, as he's not had a relationship in 7 years. That's called foreshadowing.

Olivia is staying at her aunt's house preparing it for the bank sale. Dr. Ben King has a key to the house, because he and Esther were better friends than Olivia and her auntie. He wanted to grab the book which is all the plan for some big cat to-do, an annual battery of events they hold that he can't do on his own. Olivia offers to help so long as he doesn't get in the way of selling the business. Already Dr. Ben King is scheming that three weeks of helping at the cafe may just change her mind.

First event, cat sock puppets. Olivia didn't read the script and she's a nervous performer. And there's like 4 kids in attendance and one old lady. By the end only the old lady is left. And it only was only 3 minutes long. Olivia thinks she can market the event better and get bigger crowds (if not a better performance).  And then Marilee (Kimberly Sustad) from Nine Lives of Christmas/The Nine Kittens of Christmas shows up and...flirts with Ben pretty heavily despite implying she's still with Sam. 

Montage. Olivia markets the hell out of the puppet show.

Olivia walks past a tree. Flashback. Lil' Olivia finds a kitten in a tree. Olivia's Christmas tree has been delivered to her aunt's doorstep so she goes and asks Dr. Ben King if he would help her decorate. They decorate and have the usual Hallmark getting-to-know you falling-in-like chit-chat. They get over their animosity, and get reluctantly flirty.

The next day, the attendance for the new event is popping, although, there's it's not a puppet show, but instead the attendees each grab a cat and a Christmas kid's book and read to the cats, and then draw pictures or something. You know, a real social community event.

Flashback to lil' Olivia reading to the kitty she rescued.

Olivia sets up a cat adoption booth at the Mistletoe Market where mistletoe is strewn from the lights everywhere and if you're caught under the mistletoe you either have to kiss someone or sing a carol. Olivia and Dr. Ben King run into the developer Olivia has been talking to, putting a bit of damper on the evening. Olivia gets invited to Dr. Ben King's sister's family for dinner. Dr. Ben King invites Olivia over to cook her dish for dinner and they can head over together. 

After dinner they learn Dr. Ben King's sister's pregnant again. Dr. Ben King is stunned because he doesn't have the forward momentum in his life that he wants. After the dinner party Dr. Ben King and Olivia talk about whether they want kids (good thing there's been a lot of talk about adoption in this film).

Flashback. Lil' Olivia is told by her nomadic parents that the kitty she found can't come with them, it wouldn't be fair. But aunt Esther agrees to keep the cat, delighting lil' Olivia.

Next event, kitty pyjama party and movie night. It's a big success. Afterwards, Dr. Ben King and Olivia talk about failed relationships while cleaning up and how lonely Dr. Ben King is. They kiss but are interrupted by the grumpy old cat who has not yet got adopted. It seems to like Olivia like it's liked no one else.

Aww, smushface!!!

Olivia and Dr. Ben King decorate for the Christmas Party, and Olivia has recruited the community to come help out. She seems to have really found her place, whether she knows it yet or not. She receives and express post letter from her aunt's estate lawyer, and it's a picture of lil' Olivia with the kitty she found. Dr. Ben King tells her it was the inspiration for Esther to start the cat cafe. It's a touching moment where Olivia's defences are down, and Dr. Ben King makes a play to try keeping Olivia in town, to walk away from her life in California for upstate New York (Buffalo again) where winter has barely any snow an it's like 15 degrees Celsius outside all the time. But Olivia isn't ready to give up her life, as much as the town and its people and Dr. Ben King have been endeared to her, and she on them. And Dr. Ben King says maybe she shouldn't attend the party, so Olivia tries to leave town, but if a snow storm doesn't turn her around, running into a mechanic who has a rescue cat from the cafe will. 

Olivia gets to the party only to find that Dr. Ben King has already signed the papers, but the contractor has befriended a cat who he wants to adopt so he's fine with not proceeding with he deal and rips up the contract. Olivia has found home with the cafe, the town, and Dr. Ben King... and the smush-faced grumpy cat who's taken a liking to Olivia.

The Formulae:Big city girl with a big city job winds up in a perfect small town where she finds love and community and a future unlike what she had imagined for herself. Rescuing a struggling small town business with her big-city wiles. Decorating a house way too late in the season. A Christmas Eve deadline.

Unformulae: Espresso, instead of hot chocolate? (At one point Olivia says to Ben "I never thought I'd meet someone who shared my appreciation for espresso") And sometimes wine. And Jazz music. And an opening song by a name brand artist (Brad Paisley). 

True Calling? No, because it's *almost* Christmas at the Catnip Cafe. The film ends on Christmas Eve.

The Rewind: The opening flashback I had to rewatch three times just to make sure I wasn't missing any important information. I wasn't. Olivia isn't even called by name in this sequence nor is Aunt Esther...which was the very least it could do.

But really, the opening credits, with cats fancy prancing and playing about, worth rewatching over and over. You can put it on mute if Brad Paisley isn't your thing.

The Regulars: Erin Cahill and Paul Campbell... two Hallmark legends, this can't be their first mix-and-match. Ian Collins who plays Frank, the Catnip Cafe's only(?) employee and doesn't know from coffee beans, has been in many, many Hallmarkies, Hallmark included. Meganne Young, who plays Ben's sister is a Hallmarkie newbie. Jess Brown who plays Olivia's best friend/real estate agent has been in a couple recent Hallmarks, and one way back in 2017. Frances Flanagan who plays Aunt Esther is all over Hallmarkies for the past six years.

How does it Hallmark? This feels like vintage middle-of-the-road average Hallmark, perfect for your Hallmark bingo card. 

Except it has cats. 

Lots of cats. 

So many more cats than I thought it would have. 

And even a few dogs.

How does it movie? Bad!

How Does It Snow? Cotton batting piled around all the edges.

Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar: Day 2 - My Norwegian Holiday

2023, David Mackay (Appetite for Love) -- download

This one comes from a previous year's downloads folder, where my hunt led me down a "Hallmarkie/Christmas in ______" rabbit hole. See here for a previous example. In preparation for this year, I started poking at my leftovers (previously downloaded, or in My List[s]) for anything to get to immediately. And because Kent started early, I was inspired to watch one before the official start date.

i.e. cheated

Of note, as this is my first of the season, I was not at all annoyed by this one departing from tropes as much as I have been in previous seasons. I have decided to soften on my mental demands and maybe give them a shot at just fulfilling the generalized Hallmark idea of fun, light, romantic movies, without the need for the trope adherence. 

I mean, yes that was primarily the "fun" in watching these movies to begin with (combined with some atrocious examples of "movie" making) but if they decide to change, I should allow that to happen. Also, I am not sure how many of this year's list will be current (as in, 2025 releases) so I might be watching as many "vintage" examples which do adhere. As previously mentioned in another post, I don't do much in the way of research, just go with the ease in availability flow.

The Draw: As I already said, it was included in a list of "Xmas in ______" movies, because I wanted to explore that. Every movie cannot be about baking. As to why did I add it to the list in the first place? Well, the number of movies in that list is in short supply, but really, should I need to explain the idea of exploring Xmas in Norway? Those Scandinavian countries must embrace Xmas like no others, right?

HERstory: We begin in a coffee shop in ... oh, some American city (Minneapolis, dude)... where a man is arguing with his GF while JJ waits to get her coffee. The call comes, "coffee for JJ" and the man grabs JJ's coffee, but his GF spits it out, "Can't you even get this right???" Turns out there were two JJ's in the coffee shop, and hah hah, one wanted black coffee and the other wanted a candy cane latte. "SCREW YOU !" yells Dick GF JJ and she breaks up with the man. Our JJ (Rhiannon Fish, A Royal in Paradise), or Jessica Johnson, excuses herself but the man, Henrik (David Elsendoor, Ted Lasso), chases after with a replacement latte. Except he stumbles and her papers going flying everywhere! Complication! Annoyance! Meet cute!

He collects her papers for her but after she is gone, he finds a last one. JJ is working as a substitute teacher at a local high school while getting her Phd and processing the grief over her recently passed on grandmother, the woman who raised her. Henrik, through some basic logic, tracks her down, giving a bit of stalker vibes, which JJ forgives, as Henrik has the whole kicked-puppy thing going on. On JJ's desk is a badly carved troll statue, which belonged to her grandmother, and which Henrik recognizes is from his home town of Bergen. That inspires him to offer her a free trip to Norway! Technically its because he already has a ticket in her name (well, actually the other JJ's name) and it Must Be Destiny! She declines, because... stranger danger!

P.S. There is that confusing toss-away line where Henrik explains, much later in the movie, that Other JJ was never his girlfriend at all -- she was his personal assistant. It rings as late stage retooling without thought, as there was no way that angry interaction ("you never remember my coffee orders!!") would be between a Boss and an Employee. They were canoodling; otherwise, why would he bring his assistant to Norway with him for his sister's wedding?

Later she has a chat with her doctoral consultant and he denies her another extension. While he is sympathetic to her grandmother's passing, he also knows JJ is dragging her ass on completing it and needs a boot in the bum. And then he hears about the troll doll and Bergen and offers her a lifeline -- take a trip to Europe with a complete stranger, go to the University of Bergen, which is renowned for its Weather Research (JJ's dissertation topic) and finish her paper while taking some time away, and exploring some of her grandmother's past. Dr. Paul (Paul Tylak, Harry Wild) is definitely her proxy-father. She reluctantly agrees, but gives Henrik some ground rules -- no chatting on the flight, then separate at the airport. He agrees. Its a weird request, especially given he sleeps the entire flight and she ... does not.

As soon as they land she starts getting her education into Bergen and Norway. The movie is rather charming in the way it plays against expectation where everyone caters to the American tourist. Henrik cautions her about talking to strangers, convinces her that the hotel sucks, offers a place in his grandmother's and tells her any hint of paying will offend her. 

The next morning Grandma Astrid (Deirdre Monaghan, A Merry Scottish Christmas), or bestemor, is just lovely, kind and introduces JJ to a weird Norwegian not-cheese called Brunost which is, and we get our running gag, "An acquired taste." Thankfully, later on, when that terrible fish dish (lutefisk) comes up, they just skip right over it; taste not acquired. 

Now, JJ is in town to find out more about her grandmother's past, so she has an agenda -- carry that strange carven doll around. Henrik's in town, after a long absence, for his sister's wedding. He has a past with the Norwegian ski team, an injury & ever present limp, and apparently the bitterness of the entire country -- there was a reason he was in the US for so long. Much of the movie is them alternating between approaching troll carvers/sellers and the preparations for the sister's wedding, on or near Xmas day. And, of course, Henrik being a gracious host to JJ, despite all the commentary about cold, emotionless Norwegians, everyone treating JJ with absolute tenderness, basically inviting her into their family, something she never had.

Eventually, the converging stories come to a head -- one carver finds a small AAA on the troll doll which is identified by Bestemor Astrid and she brings JJ to meet him -- its Henrik's Team Norway Coach Anders (Conor Mullen, Christmas in Notting Hill), whom Henrik has been avoiding, fearing the man's wrath. This fateful meeting explains when JJ's grandmother was in Norway and what happened -- let's just say there is a counting of months from when she suddenly left Norway and JJ's mother being born. The realization is actually quite moving, as JJ runs off into the wooded path down the hillside (not taking the funicular, as Astrid suggested) and the hobbling Henrik chasing up the hill to find her, to comfort her, no words needed between the two. As for Henrik, he comes to realize he has been in his head all these years, and no one in Norway is upset with him, just disappointed he never came home.

So yeah, Anders is JJ's grandfather, or bestefar. JJ has a new family. And a new love.

The Formulae: OK, despite this being an Xmas movie and them actually taking the time to show us Norwegian Xmas Traditions, it never actually feels like an Xmas movie. The tropes are there more in a background, passing manner. We get an Xmas fair, something the pair wanders through to ask about Troll Dolls. We get hot drinks. We get breakfast made. We get decorating of a tree. We walk through the tree lot, with a bit of chatting about best tree types. We get a Santa Lucia (Saint Lucy) Day event but that's more religion, than Xmas. We do get a dance, but that's for the sister's wedding, and JJ wears a flower pattern green dress. But we do get the interrupted kiss, which provides the greatest nod to the tropes as JJ halts some interrupting teenagers in their tracks, stating loudly that she is about to have a most spectacular kiss!

Unformulae: While yes, there is a PST (Bergen, where the movie is actually filmed, is breathtaking) and there is someone returning home and there is work work (JJ's dissertation) none of it plays out like they usually do. This is not about the challenge of JJ going home, nor is her work work every really an issue, just, again, background noise, beats in the movie to fill the spaces. What I am saying is that it makes use of the tropes but never really faithfully adheres to any of them, which only slightly annoyed me, especially the lacking of Xmas, giving over more to JJ's troll hunt.

True Calling? Well, it takes place in Norway and it was her unexpected holiday, so yes.

The Rewind: More of a pause and a, "Yeah, that isn't Minneapolis, that looks like... <googles> yeah, that's Ireland."

The Regulars: Fish herself has been in quite a lot of these, maybe third or fourth tear Hallmarkie royalty. I was hoping to click and see Elsendoorn was a regular in the Scandinavian versions of Hallmarkies, but no, really just Ted Lasso from our viewpoint. And he's Dutch, no Norwegian. The rest are more staples in British and European TV shows than Hallmarkie.

How does it Hallmark? I thought it did pretty good, in making me like the mains and letting the attraction build between the two more naturally than in most. I really liked how they never truly made goo-goo eyes at each other, the glossy "I just met but I love you" stares, but was more a realization of a growing admiration for each other --- they actually seemed to like each other, and like warmed into love.

How does it movie? It has a slightly better rhythm to it than most, and the humour and delivery of lines is a bit more effortless. I did my usual, after a few actual chuckles and smiles, "Yeah, I guess I am liking this one..." But to be true to this question, for me, its whether I would consider rewatching it -- no, liked but not loved.

How Does It Snow? OK this is where the movie falls down on its face. This is Norway! In December! In actual Bergen! And its about a ski-team captain! But never once, not even cotton batting, is there any fucking snow!!! The trek up a big hill should have banks of snow, and it should be cold cold COLD as the pair ogles the Aurora Borealis, but, it was likely late September. Boo. Angry boo!

Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar: Day 1 - Melt My Heart This Christmas

A Toast to Hallmarkent
2025, d. Amy Force - Hallmark/W

The Draw: Toasty and I have been blogging about the genre of budget holiday romances we call Hallmarkies for 6 years now, and we've watched them go from adorably, atrociously, wtf awful, to risk-taking, genre-breaking, underfunded Pinnoccio's that just want to be a real boy. Back when Hallmark was churning out three to four dozen of these generic tv movies each season with their competitors (Lifetime, UpTV, Netflix, all the Canadian production houses) doubling the Hallmarkies output, the unicorns really stood out. But now, Hallmark seems to want them all to be unicorns, which means that they're throwing the cliches aside, intentionally avoiding formulas and attempting (and usually failing) to be more. I know Toasty has flinched a bit at this changing of the tides, while my threshold for the formulaic Hallmarkies peaked about 2022, when I started avoiding the obviously trope-laden for the more defiant ones. 

This year, Hallmark has cut their output in half, only 24 films, and so have their competitors (I think with the commander-in-cheeze's tariffs impacting productions made in Canada, there was a lot less budget to go around... along with Hallmark's investment in competition shows and weekly series' this year), which means a lot less room for the "traditional" bad holiday romance. 

Still, you could tell from the preview for Melt My Heart This Christmas, it was going to be oh.so.awful. I had to watch.

HERstory: [I missed the first 8 minutes of this so we join this story in progress] Holly is a glassblower who is displaying her wares under the pseudonym "Verre" [French for "glass" but I thought they were saying "Vert" for the longest time, meaning "Green"] at Jack's family Christmas market and is hoping to garner enough attention to get a glass-blowing fellowship at a prestigious institute. Jack's feature artist is Bianca Bonhomme [French for Goodman] a veteran glassblower who has her head so far up her own ass she can count her teeth from the inside. Bianca's staff quits on her because she's a total B [and I don't mean "B"anca "B"onhomme] and she threatens to pull out of the the market. Jack is in line to take over the family business and so he needs everything to go right, so he pairs Holly up with Bianca. Not only is Holly a huge fan, but Bianca is her glass-blowing idol. Never meet your heroes, folks.

Bianca has switched out her traditional colourful style this year for a clear aesthetic because she knows roving the market is Walter Gregson...a media personality? Tastemaker? Bon vivant? ... a guy of some importance who has a camera crew following him around who, 3 decades earlier, tore her work apart and, despite her success, the sting has never left her. Jack tells her Walter Gregson wants an interview, and she turns total Diva and says she cannot because she's not wearing the right attire. She give Holly the keys to her studio to retrieve her "blue jacket" (of which she has a dozen) and there are some weak shenanigans. She dodges the interview.

Bianca's new style, while technically remarkable (according to Holly) bears none of her signature style, and the reaction from the masses is not just apathy but stone cold avoidance. Bianca is having a bad time. Meanwhile, "Verre" is selling out every day, and becoming the talk of the market. "Who is Verre", they ask? Bianca gets jealous at someone out-buzzing her.

Holly and Jack accidentally break one of Bianca's vases, and Holly and Jack go to Bianca's studio that night and Holly manages to perfectly replicate the piece. I mean, if I bought a genuine Bianca Bonhomme piece direct from Bianca Bonhomme only to learn that it was a forgery, I would be pissed...that's assuming that blown glass has that big a collector's market. Was the glass blowing sequence all hot and steamy? Did Holly and Jack get closer through the power of montage? Not in the slightest. It kind of skipped past both the "how it is made" and "romance" angles of the montage.

Jack's dad tells him that it's a precarious time in the seasonal crafters market game, and that "the board" are pressuring him to sell the business if this year doesn't go well. A lot of weight is put on keeping Walter Gregson happy. Bianca and Holly have a bit of a heart to heart discussing Bianca's trauma at Walter Gregson's terrible review 30 years ago, and Holly boosts her into presenting the personal work she's been reticent to put on display.

Bianca figures out that Verre is Holly at the same time Walter Gregson figures out that Verre is Bianca's assistant at the same time Jack learns that Holly is Verre [since I missed the first 8 minutes, I didn't realize that part of the set-up was that Holly had been rejected from the market previously so she submitted under a pseudonym].  Bianca, Jack, and Walter Gregson all collide to confront Holly, with Bianca feeling that her new assistant was just undermining her the whole time, and Bianca swears to keep her out of that fellowship Holly wants since she's on the board. Jack is hurt that this girl he's been flirting with lied to him, and then his dad finds out that Jack riskily admitted an anonymous vendor, and now he's absolutely going to sell the company. Walter Gregson has a shit eating grin having captured the whole blow up on video. They're all ruined.

Holly goes to Bianca to have another heart-to-heart, and Bianca finally poops out her own head and becomes a real person. She understands the hustle Holly has been going through, and Holly has ideas on how to not just win the day for herself, but for Bianca as well. It involves using social media. Bianca takes Holly under her wing and shows her some new tricks.

The next day, Holly and Bianca go on social media and show support for each other, instead of tearing each other down. Walter Gregson happens upon the scene and decides to get in on it, heaping praise on them both and awarding the market his pick of the season [for whatever that's worth...I really don't understand Walter Gregson's whole deal]. Jack's dad sees the reception on social media and tells Jack he's not selling anymore and that Jack's now in charge because he's the best. Jack and Holly reunited and have a kiss or something.

The Formulae:The most subtle Hallmarkie trope is that these treat their middle-aged protagonists like they're still 25 years old fresh out of college with no real experience in life or in really dealing honestly with people. So that's here.
Christmas market...check. 
Family business at stake..check check.
There's also the late stage complication between the romantic leads, in this case that Holly managed to sneak one past Jack in getting admitted to the fair. It's very contrived (but aren't they all?).
Also, generic romcom trope of Holly being clumsy (especially in heels)... it's endearing!...right?

Unformulae: The ways the current era of Hallmark movies break out of formulae are numerous (is a single hot drink of the cider or cocoa variety drank in this movie?) but the biggest unformulae is that the "romance" part of this holiday romance is pretty much an afterthought. Rather than being the centerpiece, the core of this film is the shades-of-The-Devil-Wears-Prada type relationship between Holly and Bianca, and the whole Holly-and-Jack think is so much of an afterthought, especially their reconciliation at the film's end where it's like "oh, Jack, you're here too? Well I guess we have to kiss then."
There's also so, so very little Christmas in this film. If not for the trees in the background and the market as a reminder, there's nothing relating to the holiday at all as impetus in the characters' lives... but that mercifully also means no "Christmas deadline" like these films so often have. If I had to guess, this story takes place the first weekend of December, which is unusual.

True Calling? Gods, no. I mean the poster of Holly and Jack, but, again, the romance is DOA on this one and not the center of the film. The better title would be a play on The Devil Wears Prada...like The Scrooge Wears Prada or something (but even that would be inaccurate, because Bianca isn't a scrooge, just a B... Don't Trust the B in Christmas Market Stall 23.

The Rewind: At one point a couple walks past the glass doors into the studio where Bianca's works are on display, and Holly in a very bright red sweater is standing right there, the couple press their face up to the glass and look in and promptly decide not to enter. It the sort of awkwardness I feel every time I walk down artists alley at comic con and I accidentally look a lonely vendor at their unattended booth in the face. It's a potent reminder that creating art is, like, 90% rejection.

The Regulars: Laura Vandervoort will always be foremost in my mind as Supergirl on Smallville but she's been a Hallmark regular for some time and was an early adopter in the Xmas romance genre. If Stephen Huszar acts in anything other than Hallmark productions, I wouldn't know it. He's a tried-and-true Hallmark hunk. Jennifer Wigmore seems like she should be a regular playing mom roles in Hallmark films, because she's a good actor, but her past credits include only three non-Hallmark Hallmarkies. Madeline Leon, who plays Holly's best friend Collette, has starred in many of the low-budg off-brand Canadian Hallmarkies. She has the look and plucky demeanour of off-brand holiday romance lead for sure. And finally Walter Gregson portrayer Darrin Baker has been in and out of Hallmarkies for years.

How does it Hallmark? It's bad!
Where it could have improved, and dared for something different: It seems like Holly and her best friend Collette live together. It would have been far more interesting if Holly and Colette were actually a couple, but in an open relationship. So Holly, let's make her bisexual, meets Jack and just wants casual fling times, which Collette is perfectly okay with. And then Holly has this love-hate relationship with her idol/mentor Bianca (at the point in the film where Holly reconciles with Bianca, it has that moment where it damn well looks like they're about to kiss... and they should have!). It would be hilarious to explore the messy complexity of open relationships in a Hallmark fashion, and it would be even more interesting to explore the uncomfortable power dynamics if Bianca and Holly did hook up... who's zooming who?!? 

How does it movie? It's real bad! 
Not even fun bad, just kind of a confusing bummer of a movie bad.
It would be delicious to take my above proposal and turn it into a Splitsville-esque farce. If only I still had any creative energy left in me at all.

How Does It Snow? There was actual goddamn snow! And it was cold, you could see people's breath. And they actually were wearing functional winter gear functionally. It's really the standout part of this movie (which tells you about the quality of the film).

KWIF: lazy Sunday

 KWIF=Kent's Week In Film. This week's film watchings was interrupted by the return of AppleTV to the household, and by the awareness of a mouse in the house and the rampant messes that it made beneath our own cluttered masses. After a five day hunt the mouse was finally defeated, and I am exhausted. But prior to both of these events, I had a lazy Sunday of movies and Hallmarkies.

This Week:
Devil In A Blue Dress (1995, d. Carl Franklin - Hollywoodsuite)
S.O.S.: Save Our Skins (2014, d. Kent Sobey - Hollywoodsuite)
Three Wisest Men (2025, d. Terry Ingram - Hallmark/W)
A Keller Christmas Vacation (2025, d. Maclain Nelson - Hallmark/W)

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When you think of detective noir genre, you're thinking 1930s or '40's, black and white, lots of sultry horns on the soundtrack, cigarette smoking and stylish hats, dames in dresses and so much sexism, twisty plots and downer endings.

I never really embraced the detective noire genre. It seemed so...outdated when I was younger, and couldn't get over how much of it seemed like...affectation. It didn't help that the genre was riddled with cliches which comedies had mined to death. So at 19 years old when Devil In A Blue Dress came out as Denzel's sixth movie in the two years following Malcom X, well, I wasn't interested in this olde timey claptrap. Give me Virtuosity and Crimson Tide, all day everyday.

But, I've been in a detective/noir mood of late, inspired largely by rewatching the films of the Coen Bros., and it struck me, pretty hard, that I should give Devil in a Blue Dress a shot. I mean, if detective noires demand a strong lead, you don't get much stronger than Denzel J. Washington, Esq.

Devil in a Blue Dress is an adaptation of Walter Mosely's 1990 neo-noir novel of the same name, and introduced the world to Ezekiel "Easy" Rawlins (Washinton) [just try to tell me that Easy Rawlins is not the best noir detective name ever], a veteran of WWII who gets laid off but is desperate for work to pay his mortgage. He gets sent his way a smarmy, suspicious looking character, Albright (it's Tom Seizmore, so you know he's bad news) who wants Rawlins' help in looking for a woman. Easy sees the money, and even though he already senses something is off about the request, can't help but take the work.

Even though Easy is not a detective and has no past with law enforcement, he has a way with people, a confidence most others lack, and a physicality which is very intimidating even if you're twice his size. Soon after taking the case, an acquaintance who knows the woman he's looking for winds up dead, and suddenly things are getting real. Albright we quickly learn is a thug, and has misrepresented what exactly he's after. There's also an L.A. mayoral race at play and somehow both candidates are involved in whatever this big mess is.  At a certain point, Easy needs help, and calls in his army buddy Mouse (Don Cheadle) but Mouse's more...trigger-happy tendencies may be more of a hindrance than a help.  

Beneath it all, Easy still has PTSD from the war, and whatever the active version of traumatic stress disorder is from just being a Black man in America. The cops harass him, the white men play him, and he knows a white woman need say but a word and a mob will come after him.

Devil in a Blue Dress is an incredible noir story, featuring incredible characters, from the most major to the most minor (there's a mentally challenged man on Easy's street who keeps trying to cut down people's trees, and Easy is constantly chasing him off...while still acknowledging him as part of the community), and there's nothing quite like watching a character get chucked into the deep end and having to learn how to swim, only to discover they're an olympic caliber swimmer.

Devil in a Blue Dress did not do great at the box office, and it's a damn shame. Mosely has written 14 novels since 1990 starring Easy Rawlins (the latest came out this year), and we should have gotten a new Washington-starring Easy Rawlings adaptation every three years. With AppleTV killing it with their novel series adaptations, I think we need an Easy Rawlings relaunch as a series, maybe with John David Washington in the lead?

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In the before times, one would surf channels until they found something the caught their attention and just watch, usually all the way through, no matter how bad it was, because options were limited. We have nothing but options now, and it causes "analysis paralysis" where you just scroll and scroll and scroll through your various streaming services, often watching nothing more than a 60 second auto play snippet before moving on to the next thing. So much of the pain (and sometimes fun) of sifting through streaming is cutting past the cheaply produced, licensed-in-bulk amateurish garbage, only to occasionally find one starring a whole bunch of name-brand actors from TV series you used to watch 15 years ago, or it features a conceit that you just can't pass up watching.

S.O.S.: Save Our Skins is very much from the cheaply-produced, licensed-in-bulk pile, a British/Canadian co-production starring nobody I'm familiar with, but tantalized me on concept alone.

Two British nerds, Ben and Steven, have travelled to New York City for a comic book convention, only to wake up and find that the TV is off and their mobile service is down. Oh, and when they hit the streets the city is empty.

Right off, it's incredibly impressive for this exceptionally modest production to have managed to capture scenes on absolutely vacant NYC streets. This was shot 6 or 7 years before the idea of lockdown was in anyone's mind.

The nerds do what nerds do, which is annoy one another, look for junk food, go shopping, and panic only a little... er, well, a lot when they encounter a blue monster (which looks like if a pro wrestler from the 1950's joined the Blue Man Group). While foraging at a bodega, they encounter another man who invites them around to their place, and, yeah, he's a creep. The internet still works (I really have to wonder how much of our infrastructure can truly run on autopilot and for how long without human intervention) and they send out a message, which in turn they get a response from two Canadian nerds who beckon them to Toronto.

Along they way they encounter a mentally deranged woman who tries to assault them. Ben takes a liking to her and calls her "Killey". It's not a very flattering portrayal of the mentally ill, and also the fact that Ben, a lonely nerd, effectively grooms this woman who doesn't seem completely in her faculties is all kinds of ick.

At the centre of the entire story is a series of random images that flashes on screens, subliminal messaging from a strange figure who plays into the final act, where we learn about what's actually happening and why.

S.O.S. is meant as a comedy, but is rarely ever funny. The character portrayals are incredibly thin, with Ben being kind of oblivious and id-drive while Steven is the worrier who just wants to get in touch with his mum. 

The film does manage to effectivley capture, at least visually, the sense of emptiness with nobody else around, but emotionally you never truly feel it. I can only imagine what this would look like as a Pegg-Frost-Wright joint, which this is clearly a pale shadow of.

The ideas are definitely there, and it's decently well acted, but the characters, the adventure, the humour are all very much lacking.

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A  Light Toast to HallmarKent: Three Wisest Men

The Draw: Three Wise Men and A Baby was a goddamn delight. The casting of Hallmark superstars Andrew Walker, Paul Campbell and Tyler Hynes as brothers in a legit comedy was inspired. The sequel was diminishing returns, but still the leads made it more than worth the while. A third entry was going to be the "must watch" of the season, because even if it was lesser-than what came before, there was no doubt it would still be a joy to watch these three men perform together.

HERstory: Mom (Margaret Collins) is selling the house! Taylor (Hynes) has been given a job offer...in San Francisco... and his ex Fiona (Ali Liebert) is there too. Mom selling the house means he has to move anyway, but he's having commitment issues with current girlfriend Caroline (Erin Karpluck). Stephan's (Campbell) indecisiveness is getting in the way of marriage preparations with Susie (Fiona Vroom), and their house springs a leak just as Fiona's dad (Lochlyn Munro) comes to visit. Luke (Walker) is expecting twins (well actually it's Sophie [Nicole Major] expecting twins but Sophie's always been such a non-entity in these movies) and Thomas is getting jealous and acting out. Um, they're all staying at Mom's for one last Christmas in the home and it gets tense. Hijinks ensue.

The Formulae: Oh cripes...there's really none? Even the "getting a Christmas tree on Christmas Eve" trope is brought up but skipped over. There's no snowball fights, no cookie baking montage, and no overt propaganda for Big Hot Chocolate.

Unformulae: At one point the three boys, each in the midst of their own personal dilemmas, sit down to have a drink...and they're drinking beers, not hots cider or cocoa. This, unlike other Hallmarkies (not even the Evergreen movies), is very invested in its franchise and brings characters back from previous movies. Unlike the first sequel, it avoids callback-as-comedy which is great. This also steals a sub-plot from other movies like Jingle All The Way where Thomas wants a popular toy for Christmas but it's hard to get, so the boys go to extremes to get it. Where that could have been a whole movie, it's just a 10-minute aside.

True Calling? Who cares at this point, it fits the series, and it's more eloquent than the clumsy Three Wiser Men and a Boy.

The Rewind: There's an early sequence in the film where Luke and Sophie are at Lamaze class for parents expecting twins (or more) and the instructor is in the midst of a meltdown, providing no reassurance for the attendees as to what life will be like with multiple babies. As she starts bemoaning her husband's own mental breakdown, there's a brilliant smash-cut to "Tom" on his knees with three babies strapped to him like a baby bandolier.  

The Regulars: They're all regulars at this point, if not of Hallmark, then at least of the series.

How does it Hallmark? Because it's the third in a series, it's kind of way outside the usual parameters of a Hallmarkie. Where the first was still infused with holiday romance, because each of the brothers was single and they meet someone, and at least the second one hat Tayler meet cute-ing the awesome Caroline, this one has no romance at all. There's the hint of complication with Fiona (Taylor's love interest from the first) but the film doesn't play it out. So with that, and not leaning into any of the usual holiday tropes, it's not very Hallmarkie.

How does it movie? It remains a joy to see these three leads together. But this should have been a six- or eight-episode half hour sitcom. There's too much going on and not enough time for the movie to explore it all, and the shenanigans they get themselves into together feel disconnected from their individual story arcs.

The Taylor love triangle never pans out. Luke's anxiety over becoming a dad of twins isn't adequately explored. Stephan's Meet The Parents anxiety is the most underwhelming sub-plot, but make this a sitcom, give these stories room to breathe for both emotion and comedy and I think it would have been solid gold, rather than tarnished silver in need of a good buffing.

How Does It Snow? There's less than 60 seconds of outdoors in this movie, and what little outdoors we see are establishing shots of real winter scenes, or backgrounds where they've tufted some batting to make it look like snow around the edges. 

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A Light Toast to HallmarKent: A Keller Christmas Vacation

The Draw: Brandon Routh makes his triumphant return to Hallmark movies in a non-cat-centric movie this time. I'm here for it.

HERstory: The Keller kids are joining their parents on an Austrian riverboat cruise visiting the best Christmas markets in the world. College football team manager Cal (Routh) just lost out on what he thought was the love of his life. Construction executive Dylan (Jonathan Bennett) needs a break from his boyfriend (William) after his proposal is met with a "this is not the right time". Data analyst Emory (Eden Sher) has just been laid off. So they each are coming to the trip with baggage. But when a kindly grampa introduces Cal to his comely granddaughter Felicity (Jill Winternitz), and the ship's events coordinator takes a shine to plucky Emory, and William decides to join the family trip anyway. Mom and dad have a secret they need to share. It's all, well, it's a trip full of family bonding and romance. 

The Formulae: There is a scene where Emory and her bestie talk while decorating a Christmas tree. There's a gingerbread house making contest on the boat.

Unformulae: The film's opening credits play over a photo album that features the main family cast in different locales at different ages which is, I'm sure, all AI generated. The photos are too clean to be Hallmark's usual sloppy photoshopping. Strauss' "Waltz on the Beautiful Blue Danube" plays overhead, a touch of class over the AI tarnish.

Hallmark rarely springs for location shooting, and here they have a riverboat as a main set, they have beautiful Austrian cities and markets as backdrops, there's a rustic converted barn that's an ale house and lodge, and the kids have to take "Hansi" (a motorbike with a side car) through the hillsides to catch their boat after missing it the previous night.  Actual production values and wild, non-Canadian locations are so exciting and rare in Hallmarkies.

True Calling? They are Kellers, and they have a Christmas vacation.

The Rewind: So, Felicity is introduced to Cal by her grandfather and these two very attractive people take one look at each other and say "huh...not right now". Felicity is recently divorced, and Cal has some thinking to do. But they keep talking to one another, not flirting, just being friendly. But then in the Vienna market, Cal starts getting hit on by a pretty Austrian lady who is entranced by this American and Fiona, even though she has said she's *not interested* totally cock blocks him. "I love being rescued from an adorable Austrian who is totally flirting with me, especially when it's by a super-cute American whom I'm not allowed to flirt with." But in the scene right after that, the leering glare of the Austrian in the background...oh, the daggers her eyes are throwing.

The Regulars: Bennett is Hallmark royalty, Routh has a few of these under his belt, but this is Sher's first, but probably not last (she's got serious Lacey Chabert vibes, so it seems like they're seeding her). Winternitz's only prior is "Christmas in Scotlan", while handsome and charming Anand Desai-Barochia is a first timer as Bennett's boyfriend, but he's so sultry on screen without even trying (their kiss is great). Mom and Dad (Laurel Lefkow and Nigel Whitmey) are new to the genre, which is surprising given how the parent roles are usually where you find the most veteran of Hallmarkie actors. Beyond our leads, I think most of the performers here are regional hires.

How does it Hallmark? It's a top notch Hallmarkie, not defying the standards of a Hallmarkie too much while still offering something heartfelt and Christmassy. It's charming and funny with some sweet moments and a few pretty decent romantic moments.

How does it movie? As a Hallmarkie it's on a much grander scale than most, but even at that scale it's still shot like a Hallmarkie, and as well as it's acted, I don't think anyone could confuse this cast for a movie-movie. I mean Jonathan Bennett's hammy physical comedy and over-the-top snoring immediately take it out of contention for actual movie movie.

How Does It Snow? REAL SNOW! And LOTS OF IT!......

KWIF: Bugonia (+3)

 KWIF= Kent's Week in Film. I've been delinquent in keeping up with each of the many series' I've been following this week. It's Hallmarkie season, which means some of the usual time I set aside for film and TV watching goes to the delightful brainrot that are holiday romances. The heart wants what the heart wants.

This Week:
Bugonia (2025, d. Yorgos Lanthimos - in theatre)
Predator: Badlands (2025, d. Dan Trachtenberg - in theatre)
Merry Christmas, Ted Cooper (2025, d. Jason Bourque- W/Hallmark)
Christmas Above the Clouds (2025, d. Peter Benson - W/Hallmark)

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[I don't know how to talk about Bugonia without potentially spoiling anything, so before I even get started, potential spoiler warning]

When I think about a Yorgos Lanthimos film, I think about discomfort. More often than not, a Lanthimos film is about making the viewer uncomfortable by challenging their perception of the world, or by putting them in a world that challenges the familiar, the pleasant, the demure or the polite. In other occasions, a Lanthimos film challenges the comfort of his characters, which, in doing so, may or may not challenge the audience as well.  Lanthimos' regular screenwriting partners like Tony McNamara or Efthimis Filippou get the assignment, and every Lanthimos film has been unequivocally unique.

I had assumed, based on the trailers, that Bugonia - written by Will Tracey as a loose adaptation of the 2003 Korean film Save the Green Planet! - would be more of the same level of discomfort. The trailers showed Jesse Plemons and an unfamiliar associate kidnapping power-CEO Emma Stone and holding her captive in a basement, spouting some Q-anon-style, possibly manosphere-influenced conspiracy bullshit. The last time I saw Plemons was in Civil War in a deeply upsetting and all-too real "oathkeeper"-style role. Plemons is very good at awkwardness, it's no wonder Lanthimos' has paired up with him again after Kinds of Kindness (a deeply uncomfortable movie I've only seen about 20 minutes of but may return to). So simply by putting Plemons in the role of kidnapper of a woman, the discomfort alarm is sounding at max volume.

I was not going to see this film, simply because my discomfort bucket is pretty much maxed out by the political and financial climate these days, but a review of the film (Alonso Duralde and Dave White on the Linoleum Knife podcast) said the crux of the film was Plemon's Teddy Gatz trying to get Stone's Michelle Fuller to confess to being an alien, and the film -at least in the review's telling- expertly distorts whether she is or she isn't one. That was enough for me. I've been watching a lot of Twilight Zone lately, and this really fits the vibe.

There's a lot to unpack in Bugonia, simply because it's not against Teddy. He is our protagonist. As we spend time with him and his autistic-coded cousin, Don (Aidan Delbis, himself a neuro-atypical actor) as they train for their mission, we get hints as to what's fuelling Teddy. He's a beekeeper, and the bees are dying. He's been deep in the weeds in online conspiracies, and his conclusion is that Earth has been invaded. His mother and possibly other family were victims of something megacorp Auxolith did. Teddy is angry and vengeful, and believes he has found purpose. There is a bit of sympathy played towards Teddy, who, clearly has had a troubled past and on the brink of a mental breakdown, and Don is such a kind and accepting partner, Teddy's only remaining family and best friend, but also our sympathies towards Teddy are strained because he manipulates Don constantly into following his own goals. 

But our sympathies largely stay with Teddy because, Michelle, the ruthless CEO of a big-pharma corp Auxolith never plays the victim. During the kidnapping Michelle puts up one hell of a fight, and the tone waffles between the comedic and the deep discomfort in watching a man use his physical size to overpower a woman. But it's a remarkably smart movie from Tracey's script to have Teddy and Don chemically castrate themselves, as it takes the threat of sexual violence off the table. Michelle even asks point blank if that's what the kidnapping is about and Teddy just chuckles it off.  She has her head shaved and she's slathered in antihistamine cream, something about sending and receiving messages, and then the cat and mouse psychodrama is afoot. 

Teddy's concern, on the surface, is the fate of the world. He thinks Michelle is from Andromeda and her species is trying to terraform the planet, using capitalism as its device. Subtextually, Teddy is angry for what has happened to him and his family, and all his energies have been hyperfocused that this alien invasion is the reason why. It is the portrait of a lonely, isolated, traumatized man who, rather than going to therapy, has fallen down a conspiracy rabbit hole to try and make sense of it. It's a modern film for modern time.

We're all anxious about the state of things. Capitalism run wild is spelling doom for the planet, and if one's hypersensitive enough, that could drive you mad. But to be directly and personally affected by the agents of this ecological chaos... there is sympathy towards Teddy. 

Of course, we also are given hints that Michelle isn't the first person he's had in his basement, and, once again, it's hard to stay sympathetic.

Bugonia is a film about ecological anxiety. It's a film that twists around anti-capitalism and class structures. It's a film about the dangers of online echo chambers. It's a film about trauma and mental health. And it's a film that in its end, somehow, makes you feel at peace with the end of the world.

Despite the trepidation I went into it with, I didn't really feel uncomfortable at all watching Bugonia. It's much more amusing than I thought it would be, Teddy's delusions are so far gone that, when they're not threatening, they're absurd. Since we're never really rooting for Teddy to succeed, nor are we really on Michelle's side, the usual anxiety around such a situation isn't present. We kind of like both characters but only so far, and there's a strange peace to wanting to watch the scenario play out.

Lanthamos shot the film largely with VistaVision cameras on 35mm film, and even though I can't outright quantify what it contributes, there is a quality to it that is so warm and cinematic and textural that is both tangible and intangible at the same time. It looks great. I had a great time.

[poster talk - the main poster, the only one I've seen promoting the film, is the one of Emma Stone's head being enveloped by blood an honey. It's a striking poster, but insinuates something grotesque, and the film...isn't. The "see it in 35 mm" poster, a painted image of mostly empty space with sort of a traditional Japanese feel, is beautiful, but doesn't sell the film at all. And the third poster, with the space backdrop and Emma Stone butting heads with the Earth is...well... even after watching the film...confusing as an image.]

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Where Bugonia is a film heavily rooted in the present reality, Predator:Badlands is pure escapism.

Dek (Dimitrius Schuster-Koloamatangi) is the runt of his clan, and in his species the weak are culled unceremoniously. Protected by his older brother his whole life in a society where bonds are not formed, and emotions are eschewed, they're both targeted by their father/clan leader. Dek need to prove himself, to become Yautja (the term "Yautja" for the Predator species is a relatively new one to me, and this film recontextualizes it... you are not born "Yautja" you have to earn your place in the clan, in the species through the hunt). To do so he plans to go to Genna, a brutal world where it seems all the flora and fauna is deadly, and kill the most fearsome of beasts, the creature even his father is afraid of, the Kalisk, motivated even more by having watched his father kill his brother for protecting him.

On Genna, Dek learns fast the planet's deadly nature, and is put through a gauntlet before encountering the synthoid Thia (Elle Fanning). The Wayland-Yutani corporation (of Alien infamy) has sent a platoon of synths to the planet for research purposes. Thia had her sympathetic and emotional receptors enhanced so that she could more emotionally in tune with the planet. The planet repaid her by tearing her in half. She offers to help Dek on his hunt, and Dek declares a Yautja hunts alone. Thia stranded in a nest and without legs, reframes herself as a tool for Dek to use, and the highly unexpected buddy road comedy adventure begins.

There's no point in hashing out any more of the plot or events of the film. It's your standard sci-fi/fantasy adventure, which aren't so standard anymore. This felt like an 1980's throwback, pure escapist fiction that whisks to away to a world of discovery, both of culture and environment. The film explores the Yautja like never before. Trachtenberg, having successfully revitalized the franchise with the incredible pandemic-era streaming release of Prey, has been handed the keys to the kingdom, and he's unlocking it really for the first time. With the animated Disney+ movie Killer of Killers, there was some revelations of the Predator home-planet that we'd never seen before, as well as some small hints at their society.  But Badlands gives us our first Yautja protagonist, a main character. 

It's with efficiency that our sympathies are tipped towards Dek. His opening training with his brother reveals a lot about how he is an outsider, he is looked down upon, and he feels lesser-than but with a relentless desire to prove himself. The killing of his beloved brother by their heartless father also shows Dek as an emotional creature, one who carries trauma with him on his subsequent journey. 

Meeting Thia, he's given company, a companion, a chatterbox that should annoy him but seems to comfort him in his grief. She teaches him that not all hunters are solitary, that some are pack animals, and that the alpha of a pack is not the greatest killer, but the greatest protector of the pack. Dek accepts the lesson, and the idea of the wolfpack is such a wonderful thing contribute to the Predator mythos.

Badlands, while playing squarely in the Predator/Aliens universe, relies upon no prior films. Every Predator film in the franchise has been stand-alone so far, and I was curious, in being given authorship over the property, if Trachtenberg was going to start tying his stories together. Mercifully not. Badlands is unlike every other Predator film - there is no human being hunted by a Yautja here - but it still can be watched on as a stand-alone film. It also earns its distinction, it earns not being a typical Predator-hunts-man story. Its characters are enjoyable, its world building of the Yautja society isn't terribly surprising, but it does codify much that's only previously been teased, and the planet of Genna is a fun place to visit as a distant observer.

The most surprising thing about Badlands is that it has a sense of humour. At times it's downright silly and it owns that silliness. Some may bristle at any levity, but...I mean...how can you not enjoy a choreographed fight sequence where a lower torso, just a pair of legs, takes on three guys? 

It's a fun time at the movies (and somehow, the first Predator film I've seen on the big screen).

[Poster talk - there are a lot of posters for Predator:Badlands, and none of them are particularly striking or eye catching. The best way to sell the film, I think, is the image of a bisected Elle Fanning strapped to the Predator's back, and obviously I'm not alone as there are a lot of posters with such an image, but none of them are very stylish. They are the epitome of perfunctory posters. They're there to do one job, and sell you on the ideas of the movie, which is a Predator and a half robot getting in scraps on an alien planet. Most of them do that job, but not with a heck of a lot of excitement.]

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Toasty and I put together a format for reviewing holiday romances (or "Hallmarkies" as we call them) because they're so formulaic that the fun in watching them is in picking apart the formula. We called the format "A Toast to HallmarKent", and it's just one of the many ways we like to amuse ourselves with this blog.

The "problem" in recent years is that Hallmark has decided they don't really want the formula anymore, which neuters our "A Toast to HallmarKent" template somewhat. It ruins our fun!

But after a few years of deep-diving into Hallmarkies, it became the outliers that I tended to appreciate, the ones that dared to do something different, the ones that said "what if we actually care about this thing we're making?"

Movies like Merry Christmas, Ted Cooper and even Christmas Above the Clouds, 5 years ago wouldn't have been Hallmark movies. They're bucking the formula so hard. So rather than the big sprawling recaps that breakdown the insanity of what use to constitute a Hallmarkie, let's rapid-fire through the "A Toast to HallmarKent" template with these films, and see how it goes. (Usually I need to be working through the template while watching the film, and I didn't do that here so it may be sketchy).

Merry Christmas Ted Cooper

The Draw: Robert Buckley as a performer has had more authorship over his Hallmarkie appearances than most, and those tend to be much more comedic movies, so I was expecting something funny and outside the normal holiday romance.

HERstory: Time was it was rare for a Hallmarkie to have a male lead. It's not so uncommon anymore. Ted Cooper is a small-market weatherman beloved by both his station and his community. He's been given a job offer in his home town of Buffalo, but feels loyalty to the station that gave him his break (this would be a lot more resonant a plot if Ted Cooper wasn't in his 40s). Buffalo is his hometown, and he's returning home to help promote his sister's fundraiser for a children's wing at the local hospital.

Ted has a history of unfortunate events around Christmas, but he's a terminally upbeat person and doesn't let that get him down. He gets conked on the head by a box of lights while helping set up his sister's place and winds up at the hospital where he runs into his high school crush Hope Miller (Kimberly Sustad).

They connect and start enjoying the seasons together while more mishaps befall Ted, though it never gets him down.

The Formulae: The meet cute (it's pretty cute). The absurd event that the production doesn't have the budget to pull off (in this case, the fundraiser is some sort of gingerbread fair with the biggest gingerbread person competition, and those big gingerbreads are so not real). There's a "complication" in the romance (but it's also unformulaic so we'll get to that). Ted has a sibling, Hope has a best friend who are pushing them towards each other.

Unformulae: Ted is coming from the small town returning to his big city (Buffalo) home, and is feeling the tug to return, which is kind of the opposite of the typical Hallmarkie story. Nobody has a kid, not even Ted's sister. There's no wise parent to turn to here, instead Ted befriends his old high school teacher, Ms. Mittens, and starts hanging out with her seniors walking club (that dynamic is freaking delightful). The complication is Hope worries that Ted isn't honest about his feelings, that his perpetual upbeatness is a mask for real emotions... and she tells him in an earnest, adult conversation that these dumb movies so rarely have... and Ted, later, responds in an earnest and emotionally intelligent way that shows that these two peopler are fucking adults and not high-schoolers in middle-aged bodies.

True Calling? It IS a merry Christmas for Ted Cooper, and it will be no matter what happens.

The Rewind: Honestly, I would watch this whole thing again. It was just warm, feel good, fun and funny vibes, all resting on the back of the delightful charm of Robert Buckley.

The Regulars: Buckley broke into Hallmark with The Christmas House, and has had a few others. Sustad is Hallmark royalty, and definitely in my top 3 Hallmark leading ladies. Ms. Mittens is played by Barbara Pollard has been all over the Hallmarkie spectrum for years. Brendan Penny, a usual leading man, is in a bit part as the news anchor at Ted's station and they have a bit of a rivalry.  Canadian Meghan Heffern plays Kate Cooper, Ted's sister and she is phenomenal. Heffern has been working steadily for a long time, but in nothing I've watched before...she stands out in this sister role like Carrie Coon did in Gone Girl...if there was any justice this would be a breakout performance.

How does it Hallmark? "A" tier. This is in the top level of Hallmarkies because it succeeds at pretty much everything it's trying to do. It's funny when it's meant to be funny, the romance is super charming and full of sparks, and its secondary cast are all great and unique in the sphere, people who seem to have lives outside of being associated with the leads. The stakes, to be honest, are pretty low in this film which is the only thing that dials it back from the "A-plus" tier (or "S" tier, as the kids call it?). 

How does it movie? It's a Hallmark romcom, and doesn't pretend to not be. I don't know that more budget would have accentuated this film any more, it seems tailor made for the size of production it is and for the channel it's being aired on. A director more skilled in comedy, and maybe a little more attention to detail in shooting the news anchor sequences would have made it stronger.

How Does It Snow? Was there even snow? I didn't even take note. But it's Buffalo at Christmas...there should have been mountains of snow, and there was not. 

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Christmas Above the Clouds

The Draw: I'm not a full-blown, year-round Hynie, but when it comes to the Christmas season you can bet I'm keeping my eye on the Tyler Hynes entries that year. He's my favourite Hallmark hunk.

HERstory: Ella Neezer (gesundheit) is the owner of her own mid-level travel company. She's sacrificed everything for this business including her empathy towards others. She would be the titular "B" in Apartment 23, if you catch my meaning. She's awful to everyone and making them work on Christmas without telling them they have to work on Christmas. She's catching a flight from New York to Australia which, given the time jump, means she will leave on the 24th and arrive on the 26th and miss Christmas entirely, and she likes it that way (unfortunate for her assistant Bobbi, who has to bend to Ella's every whim in order to pay for her sick child's treatments). On the plane, seated next to her happens to be her ex, Jake. There's still a spark of connection there, but there's also a lot of baggage.  

Now, stop me if you heard this one before, but Ella is visited by the ghost of her mentor, Marleen Jacobs, the woman to taught her everything she knows about running a business with a cold heart. Marleen is in purgatory, stuck in an airline safety tutorial teaching grinchy businesspeople life lessons. She tells Ella she will be visited by three ghosts on her flight, the ghosts of Christmases past, present and future.

You basically know the rest.

The Formulae: It's A Christmas Carol, on a plane! With Tyler Hynes! The formulae isn't very Hallmarkie, but it is ALL Dickensian.

Unformulae: Uh... it's A Christmas Carol, but on a plane!

True Calling? It's a dumb title, but probably because it's hard to think of a plane-based pun that will fit into A Christmas Carol.  "Flying Past Christmas" or "Christmas Flying By" would be more apt..."Skipping Christmas"... and yet, it should really be referencing A Christmas Carol. Like "Scrooge in the Sky" (that sounds dirty). Ok, yeah, it's a hard title to come up with.

The Rewind: Rather than rewind, there are things I would like to skip past, thank you very much, like any time Bobbi's kid Tim (he's sick...with asthma, because asthma is the Hallmark sickness, and is the deadliest disease in existence in Hallmark reality). The kid playing Tim is atrocious. 

The Regulars: Erin Krakow plays Ella Neezer (gesundheit), and is one of the most regular of Hallmark regulars...in fact she's been the star of a thousand episodes of When Calls The Heart and an equal number of Hallmark movies. Here, she does a really good job of putting the "B" in "boss", but I also just watched Emma Stone in Bugonia a few hours before watching this and it's, like, not the same, but Krakow holds her own. Hynes is my Hallmark boy, y'know, and I can't wait for the next "3 Wise Men" movie this season, but this was a nice lil' stocking stuffers, an amuse bouche. Hynes is wearing one of those Hynes sweaters he looks so good in. Gabrielle Rose has been all over Hallmarkies for years in parent and senior statesman roles. Emily Tennant who plays Bobbi has led a couple Hallmarkies of her own, so this is a bit of a downgrade. Faith Wright plays the Ghost of Christmas Past and is super charming, she should hopefully level up from here. Canadian Matt Clarke playing Ghost of Christmas Present puts on a decent Aussie accent and is pretty fun, but more than a few Hallmarkie credits under his belt.

How does it Hallmark? It's actually a pretty effective modernized production of A Christmas Carol but Hallmark-ized to *really* emphasize how much Jake used to be part of her life and how much he needs to be again. There's a definite budgetary impact to this whole production as the plane set...migawd is it awful. it looks like a bunch of lounge chairs in office cubicles and not a first class plane compartment. And the flashback to college, where they give Krakow a really late-90's-styled wig, but Hynes looks completely unchanged (they didn't even do that thing where they comb the hair all forward to hid the receding hairline - see Batman Begins for example). It leads me to believe Jake is a highlander. In a proper budgeted production we would have had younger actors playing them as teens (or they would have paid Hynes to shave the beard and shot that sequence last).

How does it movie? Again, a decent production of A Christmas Carol, but not even close to cinematic quality. As much as I like Hynes, and Krakow puts in a good performance, they're not movie stars. They're Hallmark stars, and there is a difference. As well, I didn't fully buy into the chemistry between them. These two have history on screen together, and clearly are pals, that was undeniable, but the romantic spark just didn't come across. I also couldn't buy that Jake has basically been celibate since they broke up 5 years earlier. Not that handsome man with his laid-back charm, no way.

How Does It Snow? Again, forgot to look, but it was largely on a plane or indoors so there wasn't much to look for as far as I recall.