3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

2023, John Francis Daly & Jonathan Goldstein - cinema

Yup, a movie in the cinema.

And then soon after, rewatch'd digitally.

Kent already wrote about the movie from the point of view of a non-D&Der enjoying it immensely. Sooo, I will write about from the POV of a Graybeard D&D Nerd. And I have the tattoo to illustrate the level.

I have been playing D&D since I got that boxed set in the late 70s. Well, I haven't been playing all the time since then, as its been quite some time since I have actively played, BUT it has always been on my mind, whether it be reading books, downloading source material (aaaarrh matey) or writing up stuff for the games we (Marmy, the Peanut Gallery, and me) never get around to playing.

I own all editions, have played all editions. I have shelves full of mouldering old books, and I like to get whichever Introductory Boxed Set that comes out for each new edition. I have bags and bags and bags of dice, including a pile in a requisite Crown Royal bag. I kind of low-key collect tshirts with polyhedral dice or dungeons on them. The underside (dark?) of that tattoo has d20.

Suffice to say, I am very fond of the entire idea of the game. If I am pulling away from nostalgic fondness in other forms of media, I will never give up my fondness for OSR (old school revolution) style D&D. But I have loved each new edition of the game, and even the spin-offs.

We are in a heyday for D&D, with celebrities playing, with podcasts and live-play YouTubes bringing attention like never before. Its back in the pop culture eye like never before, but without the stigma of the Satanic Panic of the 80s. And with Nerd Culture getting a mega boost from the MCU, that a movie was coming out was not surprising, but I am sure everyone, including me, assumed it would be another pile of drek, like the 2000 movie.

It was not. It was a really fun, well-written, well-paced adventure full of humour and heart, and so saturated with in-jokes, references and easter eggs, you could do a drinking game! And that's where I am going with it.

The movie is set in Faerun (the Forgotten Realms) and that becomes obvious after a few place names are tossed out. Our initial main characters are Edgin (Chris Pine, Star Trek) the Bard, and Holga (Michelle Rodriguez, Resident Evil) the Barbarian, and they begin regaling a character backstory to a parole board in a prison beyond The Spine of the World. Edgin had been a Harper, basically the Impossible Mission Force of the Sword Coast, and his major enemies were the Red Wizards of Thay. After a number of successful adventures against the Wizards, they retaliated by killing his wife. He shut down, left the Harpers, and became an adventurer & thief, working with a sorcerer named Simon (Justice Smith, Pokémon: Detective Pikachu), a Rogue named Forge (Hugh Grant, Notting Hill) and his Wizard companion Sofina (Daisy [bald] Head, Underworld: Blood Wars). On one fateful mission to secure a pile of treasure, and a Stone of Reawakening (I am guessing using the word Resurrection was too fraught with Christian turmoil), Edgin and Holga are caught, while the others escape. Sofina's to blame.

After telling the tale, Edgin and Holga escape by snagging a flight through a window on the back of one of the parole board, Jarnathan the Aarakocra (bird-man). They find their way to Neverwinter, where Forge has somehow made himself ruler, and has been raising Edgin's adolescent daughter. Alas, he's a Rogue so he cannot be trusted, and has turned Edgin's daughter against him, all the while not revealing to anyone that Sofina is actually a Red Wizard, and she has a Very Evil Plan. The Stone is still in Forge's armoury, which is protected by a sigil crafted by legendary wizard Mordenkainen (and I mean, legendary!! He's from the original AD&D from the 80s! Squeeee!). Sofina tries to have them killed, but they escape again.

They go find Simon, the less than stellar Sorcerer from a Wizard background (sorcerers are born with magic, while wizards learn magic), who appears to be wielding some sort of Spell Dispenser, that unfortunately is attuned to wild magic, i.e. he cannot always control what will happen. He knows of a helmet that could turn off the vault's magic, but not where it is.

Oh, I should mention, to learn about the vault, they recruit Doric, a Tiefling Druid who lives with the Emerald Enclave.  The Enclave's forest home is being cut/burned down by Forge's allies, so she is eager for retribution. Druids can shape change into animals, and she learns on the vault after becoming quite a few critters into get into the castle. Aaaand with the sigil in place, to get into the vault, they will need some magic to nullify it. 

Luckily, it was Holga's people who held the helm ! Too bad they lost it in a battle that pretty much wiped them out. This part of the story was fuzzy for me. Was it history? Did it happen a long time ago? Or was it more recent, and very personal to Holga? Either way, the only logical way to get some more details is to talk to someone who was at the battle, who knows where the helmet might be. But they are all dead. Nevermind, we got magic! This time in the form of a token that allows you to ask 5 questions of the dead. After some chuckle-out-loud screw ups, and lots and lots of wrong questions, they finally dig up the right body to find out... the helmet is gone.

NEXT ! They are led to Paladin Xenk (Regé-Jean Page, The Gray Man), who happens to be from Thay, and has his own vendetta against the Red Wizards, primarily for turning all of his people into undead. Also, him? Kind of? All we know is that as a kid, he fled the ritual but a tattoo still appeared on his forehead. Why? We don't know. He also says that took place a century ago, so he is reallllly old? Either way, he is the DMP, the "Dungeon Master's Player", i.e. a character possessed of lots of knowledge and TONS of ability, to the point of arrogant assurance. But he knows where the helmet is, and as long as they agree to distribute all treasure found to The People, he will help them find it.

Into the Underdark, which in The Game (when I was a kid, we referred to it as The Game), is massively underground, like miles, but for them, a quick jump down the right (wrong) hole -- the Orifice. Ick. Anywayz, caves and crawlies and and underground ruins of things dangling over lava pits on big BIG chains. And a very very VERY fat dragon. When I saw him in the trailer, I was like, "What kind of dragon is that? Oh probably something they just made up for the movie." But nope, its Themberchaud, the chubby dragon. Very chubby, as in giving chase looks like a penguin sliding across an iceberg. Snort. But he does help them take care of some undead Thayan assassins who show up at the behest of Sofina.

With the helmet found, Xenk is off to do non-funny, straight as a pin Paladin things and Simon has to figure out how to use the helmet. Alas... No matter, Edgin always has an alternate, or five, plan and they will use Simon's portal want to sneak their way into the vault, with the help of a painting of... snort... Volo. Volo is the travel writer of the Forgotten Realms, known for his line of books, "Volo's Guide to...." Alas... THAT plan doesn't go well, and Edgin, Holga and Simon end up in Forge's final plan --- an organized dungeon maze filled with adventurers and monsters, a sort of Monster Truck Rally for fantasy worlds, but with actual monsters, and no trucks. Buuuut, you see, he is just working for Sofina, and HER final plan is to use the same evil spell that turned Xenk's people into undead on the people of Neverwinter, and since everyone in town is watching the dungeon/maze games... But no matter, Edgin has a plan! He foils the attacks by the mimic (chest with teeth and tongue), displacer beast (panther with tentacles [proper tentacles, by definition] and an ability to show an illusion of itself) and The Gelatinous Cube (squeeeee!). They use the latter to escape into the bowels of the maze, and catch Forge in the act of stealing away with the city's treasure, while Sofina does her evil thing. They could escape with it themselves, but they return to fight the evil wizard and foil her spell before it can turn the city into undead. Well, most of the city. With a bit of subterfuge and a lot of thumping by Doric's owlbear form, they save the day! But not without losses.

In the most surprising turn, that is actually moving, and Marmy was right, Holga (Michelle Rodriguez) does actually die (we see her as the female form of Sean Bean) but Edgin sacrifices the resurrection stone for her. He had planned to use it bring back his wife, his daughter's mother, but realizes as they lost her when the girl was but a baby, in fact, Holga has been her mother all along, helping raise her along side Edgin. Wow. Moving scene. Sniff.

Rewards, adulation, Forge is caught and sent to the jail that started the movie!

OK, sorry for the long, drawling tale ("can I tell you about my character?") but I had to. And even so, I missed sooooo many references. So let's cover them!

Yes, the movie took place in and around Neverwinter which sort of disappointed me, as Waterdeep is just over there. Maybe the sequel? That the setting was something so familiar was just... fun.

Did you notice the baby rust monsters on the rafter, fighting over some scrap metal?

While I didn't get my beholder shot, I did get my gelatinous cube, though I don't think they would last that long inside one without at least a few HPs of damage.

Of course, the big easter egg for the maze battle was seeing the characters from the 80s D&D cartoon making their way through it. But they weren't kids for sure.

Pretty much all the spells cast, by both sides, were named ones. And the floor (stone to sand spell) upon which Edgin and Holga got snagged by Forge? Reference to the original 2000 movie. I believe I was the only one in the theatre who snorted at that.

The Tabaxi (cat people) in the town where they found Xenk the Paladin were cringe worthy looking, which is entirely appropriate considering the kind of players would want to play a Tabaxi. Yes, I am judging furries. The Dragonborn were only slightly better done, but at least they were there.

The Intellect Devourers were just too cute, "Who's a wittle monster, who wants to eat my brain!"

I absolutely loved that at least three scenes of exposition were done from taverns. And while I made a vocal note that Edgin didn't actually do much beyond bonking some people with his lute (he didn't even carry a weapon), he did actually play a couple of tunes, and they weren't half bad.

Did I miss any?