T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar Day 5 - The Magic Christmas Tree

1966, d. Richard C. Parish - tubi

There are holiday classics and then there's all the rest.  This is firmly in all the rest. 

November 16 or Halloween maybe?

Three young multicultured pals have an awkwardly stilted lunchtime conversation about repetitious lunches and tedious after-school activities.  One boy, Mark, wants to go exploring the old Finch place, said to be haunted, within which lives a crazy old witch with her cat Lucifur (it's probably Lucifer, but I like the idea of an old witchy lady making a cute punny cat name).  Now, why this boy wants to explore an old house where someone still lives, I don't know, and I'm not really sure what he was planning, but he manages to goad the others into joining him. It is not, by any stretch, good child acting.

The other boys and their rock-addled shoes chicken out of checking out the haunted house, just in time to be accosted by what's obviously a young lady playing dress-up as an old crone. She needs help from a strapping, "husky" (her word) young boy good at climbing trees.  But Mark's tree climbing skills are suspect and he falls a good 3 or 4 feet to the ground, his husky boy frame hitting hard enough to knock some colour into his black and white world.  The wavy lines of the transition tell us Mark is now in a dream sequence...or maybe some form of purgatory?

In the colour world Mark wakes up at the witch lady's feet, only now she's extra-witchy, wearing a witchy hat. Oooh, ooh, witchy woman.  Thanking him for his husky boy good deed she gives him a magic ring (one of the ugliest, tackiest pieces of shit costume jewellery I've ever seen) within which is hidden a magic seed which if he plants it beneath the wishbone of a Thanksgiving turkey in the dark of the moon, a magic tree will grow, and when it's full grown, it will grant him three wishes. He just has to stand in front of the tree, put the ring on his husky boy finger, spin it three times and say the magic words "Rimbum pereneum ho" (or something).  I couldn't catch all that, not sure how this dipshit kid did.

Actual good lesson learned from the witch: if you think ugly, you see ugly. If you think beautiful, you see beautiful things.

November 26. Thanksgiving. Mark's parental situation is a real fat guy/hot wife scenario. Mark's Dad Can F#@! Himself. Mark didn't lie to the witch, his mom is real pretty.

Mark gets the wishbone and does his sneaky husky boy business after everyone's asleep. 

Oh no, Mark has a giant turtle that he keeps in a drawer all day. Poor Ichabod.

One arduous 3 minute digging and planting scene later Mark says his husky boy magic words and thunder strikes and lightning flashes, and a tree appears, but Mark ran away before he could see it.

Black Friday

Mark's dad has Chitty Chitty Lawn Mower shenanigans while Ichabod the tortoise gets some fresh air, exercise and lunch. Mark's dad tries to saw down the tree, then tries to chop it, but it's like it's made of Vibranium or something. So he gives up and embraces the tree as a new fixture of the yard. Jesus we're halfway through this thing and next to nothing has happened.

Christmas Eve

Mark's mom and sister want to go do a little shopping, while Mark's dad is just now thinking about picking up a Christmas tree...a nice fresh one he thinks.  Mark's mom is surprised that he hasn't bought a tree yet, but how did she not notice? Is this scene bad scripting or bad improv?  The correct answer is "just bad".

Mark skips out on shopping with his dullard family and goes and has a chat with the magic tree, naturally, (it talks now), who coaxes him to use the ring, say the magic phrase and it teleports itself into the house.  They do the magic thing again and it's suddenly all decorated.  The tree coaxes Mark into burning through his three wishes and the husky boy gives his husky boy wish for an hour of husky boy power.  You know, nothing specific.  

His "hour of power" allows him to do whatever the fuck he wants.  He turns night into day which seems to bother not a single soul. He does shitty husky boy magic and sends a poor delivery guy's truck careening into traffic.  He forces a couple to smash creampies into each others faces only to escalate into a domestic incident. Cop cars and fire trucks are on the loose like it's Maximum Overdrive.  Mark's a real husky boy piece of shit. 

Things get dark again as Mark's powers fade and Mark's family is impressed with the magic Christmas tree in their living room that of course seems like something Mark did.  Classic Mark shit, right?  Mark can't get to husky boy sleep, so he goes and has another chat with the tree.  He wishes to have Santa Clause for his very own this husky boy Christmas, he doesn't care how selfish he's being. Mark's a piece of shit.

Santa arrives and Mark introduces Santa to the tree, and the tree immediate rats Mark out on his dastardly plan.  Mark says he'll let Santa go if Santa gives him everything his husky boy heart wants this Christmas, a bike, a chemostry set, a rifle...  On Christmas day, Mark winds up in a quarry in broad daylight with his rifle looking to shoot up some squirrels or frogs for fun.. Mark's a real piece of shit. Meanwhile Santa is trapped with the tree until Mark returns but that might never happen...for in the forest near the quarry, Mark is accosted by a giant (or rather, just a large man wearing a fauxfur onesie). 

Giant: You know me boy...you know me well. You gave into old Greed last night when you force Santa Claus to give you so many gifts.

(Had to turn subtitles on because the choppy recording of the giant was indecipherable)

Mark: I'll give em all back.

Giant aka Greed (i guess): it's too late, you're my little boy now!

Mark: No! I'm not your little boy.

The Greed Giant: You are my little boy! 

 

Mark promises never to be greedy again, but the giant forces Mark to look into the magic creek to see what his greed has done. The creek shows him a news report about the disappearance of Santa and the chaos it has wrought, because all the best news programmes are broadcast in creeks.

Mark uses his last husky boy wish to release Santa from his spell and undo the night's disaster. Then the tree disappears back to the land of magic (with zero questions from Mark's dullard family).  Mark sobs his husky boy tears, only to wake up back in his natural black and white world, where old young witchy lady Miss Finch is watching over him.  As she leaves to get him a witchy plate of poison cookies and a witchy glass of poison milk Mark ponders his crazy dream, and I'm just like..."Stranger danger, Mark! Run, husky boy, run!"

From off in the distance, in the land of magic, the magic Christmas tree speaks to Mark (or the audience?) and the whole affair is abruptly over.

Ab.so.lute.classic.crap.Just completely MST3K ready. 

(Edit: oh Rifftrax already did it)