T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 3 - Santa Girl

 2019, d. Blayne Weaver - Netflix

this poster is an accurate representation
of the quality of this film

I know in my brain that most Hallmark movies are bad, bad movies.  But as I've concluded before they're their own subgenre even within the subgenre of holiday romance, and as such they compare against one another to differentiate between bad and good within the subgenre. In that comparison I find a lot of joy, hence our "A Toast to HallmarKent" feature, which you would not believe how much effort those take to write, for next to no return on investment.  

I would much rather be writing another "A Toast to HallmarKent" right now.  I would have much rather watched a Hallmark, or even Lifetime movie next to this.

In the world of horror, there's an abundance of exceptionally low budget movies with high aspirations that may have a germ of a fun idea or conceit, but are almost always sunk by the execution.  Cheap production values, a lack of visual acumen, amateur musical score or an overreliance on noname indie music, maybe a lead actor or two with experience but a cast rounded out by inexperienced local talent, The same thing happens with holiday romcoms.  If you think Hallmarks look cheap, go digging around Amazon Prime or Tubi, there are films that make Hallmark look like a Spielberg production in comparison.

Santa Girl is one of those films.  It stars two former tween show leads - Jennifer Stone of The Wizards of Waverly Place, and Deven Werkheiser of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide with Barry Bostwick doing his Barry Bostwick thing.  It's an ugly movie with nominal production value (there's two "reaching for the stars" moments where it tries to pull off special effects - first a man hovering, moving through a crowd, and second a flying car - with zero success.  They had already implied that these things were happening and could have gotten away with just the intonation, but then they felt the need to actually show them.  It's not even laughable, just an utter palm-to-face head-shake.

The film opens using nicely shot aerial stock footage of what the wife determined to be a German castle and countryside.  It's posing as Santa's place in the North Pole but it's too many trees and mountains for the arctic, buddy.  Inside it does not look palatial at all.  At best it's a bed and breakfast they put their more prestigious cast members up in.  It's mid-year and Bostwick's Santa is a widower with a teenage daughter.  He wears a suit and tie, and talks "business talk" about profits and whatnot. 
"What profits?" I ask.
"Probably licensing..."the wife astutely observes.  Only the film later reveals that the Clause family made a deal with Jack Frost and family to have a merger, the Frost's financial resources for Clause's prestige and delivery acumen.  What. the actual. fuck?  This film just puts this "merger" on the table, setting up that Santa's daughter and Jack Frost Junior have been betrothed since childhood in order to secure both their families' legacies.  But they never explain how this corporate entity actually works.  It's a company called "Kringle" but what do they do? Unknown. How is money made? Nobody says.  Delivering free toys to millions of boys and girls every year is a terrible business plan, and definitely a money loser.

Santa's daughter Cassandra (the restraint they had in not outright calling her Sandra Clause was admirable) is a bit of a tough lead to crack.  The film sets her up by way of the Elves (whom I'm assuming are now gainfully employed by "Kringle" and not just indentured servants), as they debate who is going to wake Cassandra up.  Pep (McKayla Witt) takes the bullet for the team and Cassandra is pretty horrid to her.  This is supposed to be our likeable lead?  Cassandra was accepted to a university and really wants to go, but her father has plans for her to start her apprenticeship in taking over the business this Christmas.  Santa, you're immortal, what's another year or two.  He agrees that she can go as long as she comes back in time for training at Christmas.  Santa warns her "no magic" and not to reveal who she really is.  Santa also sends Pep along with her to pose as her little sister and to keep an eye on her (umm, little sisters don't tend to accompany big sisters to university, and Pep does not seem to be enrolled in any classes...how are they explaining this).  They're both sheltered individuals so I'm not exactly sure what Pep's supposed to do. But in keeping a "low profile", Pep never once makes any effort to conceal her huge pointy elf ears.  She has very long hair that could cover it, instead she keeps styling it in such a way as to accentuate her huge pointy ears.

Cassandra, still really, really rude to Pep, goes about trying to charm the maybe two dozen other students that attend this university by buying them drinks at the coffee counter and being overly chipper.  She runs into J.R. (Joshua Cody) with his Ken doll hair (seriously looks like plastic) and his severe cheekbones and his uneasy smile.  It took me less than a minute to figure out this was Jack Frost Junior.  While he tours Cassandra around the campus, they run into a boy, Sam, freaking out in the bookstore, unable to pay for his books. Cassandra helps him out and suddenly we have a love triangle.  A severely inept love triangle.

Jack Frost shows up and pressures JR to seal the deal, while Sam makes his play for Cassandra but is rebuffed because she is promised to someone else. Jack Frost makes Sam a deal, that he will pay him to watch out for Cassandra and report back to him, which we can instantly tell is just so that there can be some trust issues complication later.  

I'll admit Cassandra and Sam are kind of cute together.  These two former tween stars are actually able to sell the romantic connection, even if Cassandra is forced to keep it at arms length.  That said, there's not a lot of romance in that romantic connection.  The campus grounds of Shenandoah University in Winchester, VA aren't exactly teeming with pretty locales for romantic set pieces (and there's certainly no budget for dressing things up). I couldn't help but constantly wish for just a little Greendale magic.

The attempts at comedy are about a 1-in-10 success ratio.  Better than I would have expected but still not very good. Stone has tween sitcom comedic chops which is more than a few steps up from the less experienced cast members (the gossipy bitches and magical extras are kind of sad).  Bostwick gets a good line or two in.  But most of the comedic moments fall flat. And they steal Bewitched's nose twinkle for Cassandra's magical powers, which are not defined at all.

Besides more budget for set decoration and lighting and sound (everything sounds so hollow), this film needed to be more campy.  The most delightful moment of the film is when Pep spies Jack Frost walking the university grounds.  She calls out to him and he lifts up his cape Dracula style and covers his face, turning quickly and speed walking away.  It was a moment of inspiration I wish the whole movie would have had.

In the end Cassandra and JR are about to get married when Santa and Sam interrupt the wedding. The one choice I think they made well was not to make JR an outright villain, but at the same time they can only seem to hint at the idea of his character, never actually finding any ongoing focus or compassion for him.  They botch the whole love triangle pretty badly.

It's a bad movie.  I did not enjoy it.  Yet I watched it, because I needed something to write about today.  

(Update: netflix's not-horror thumbnail picture: