A prelude to T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar

Toast and I are really, really, really ready to ramp up into Christmas this year.  I mean, I've been in it to win it since the end of October, but as you've seen, Toast is also diving in early.  I've definitely watched more Christmast stuff this past November than any November before in my entire life, and I'm all in.  The Christmas lights have been up for weeks, we got our tree this past weekend,  I've got some mixes for gluten-free cookies, I've filled up the reusable advent calendar with chocolates, and most of my shopping is done.  I'm ready, but Christmas is still 26 days away.  So what else can I do but review (and clean the slate before the Advent Calendar gets going tomorrow):

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I've never been big on tradition, or revisiting the same thing over and over again, even at Christmas, with the exception of the wonderful steak dinner and Community Xmas episodes with the wife on Christmas Eve.  That said, I once had this mixtape I put together from alternative late-night CBC Radio that I listened to every year for years.  And when I switched from tapes to CDs, I tried to assemble as much as I could from Napster (to limited success) and when I moved from CDs to iPods, I ripped one whole side of the tape into a single mp3 that I could listen to.  But as I moved away from iPods and physical music sources, I lost my traditional listen.   Strangely, The Nine Lives of Christmas (2014, d. Mark Jean - Hallmark) I've watched each year for the past four years (twice the first year, as I had to show it to Adj just to confirm that I wasn't wrong in enjoying what should have been godawful).  If we have anything to thank for bringing Hallmark movies into my life, and regular rotation each holiday season, it's this delightful piece of holiday romance garbage.

 

In this'un Kimberly Sustad plays, uh, Marilee...yes she does (makes me laugh every time I watch it, because I forget that's her character's name), an early 30-something woman (actually I think they say something like 28, but...yeah, right) who has gone back to school to become a Vet after having to give up the dream earlier to raise her younger sister after her parents died.  She works at a pet store to bring in some income, while her sister has become a bigwig real estate agent who gets invited to mayoral parties and the like.  Anyway, Marilee (yup, that's still her name), has no time for dating despite her sister and class friend and work friend all pushing her to get out there.  She also has a pet cat, but she shouldn't, because her building doesn't allow it, and her nosy landlady is being such a feral beast about it.

Former Superman Brandon Routh is Dashiel Snow...nah, just kidding (though that seems like the appropriate counter to a Marilee, don't it?)... he's Zachary, a fireman, and the biggest slab of beef in the firehouse.  We meet him getting his picture taken for the fireman calendar, and it's a rare moment of Hallmark beefcake (because we don't get much of that ever in Hallmark, maybe not again until The Christmas House?).  The other boys in the station (and I do mean boys) live vicariously through him as he stumbles his way through one shallow relationship after another.  His latest girlfriend is the hilariously vapid Blair (Chelsea Hobbs), an absolute cartoon of a human being.  Blair is supposed to be a high fashion model, but I think really she's a catalog mode for Sears, or JC Penny or whichever of those department stores is still in business in 2014.  I love to hate Blair, she's the absolute worst, and she's a big part of what makes this movie so enjoyable.  There's nothing like rooting against a truly awful, shallow, selfish, vein, egotistical person.  Zachary rescues a stray cat (Ambrose) being attacked by a dog and the cat takes up residence in the house he's currently renovating himself.

Zachary and Marilee meet cute at the supermarket, where he needs to pick up cat food (and Marilee helpfully advises against him feeding Ambrose dairy, thank god), and she's picking up a 4-litre lonely-lady tub-of-ice-cream-for-one.  It's a friendly exchange but it passes.  Moments later, Zachary rescues her from a runaway shopping cart in the parking lot.  My hero...like Superman... but on a severe budget.  Zachary doesn't think much of it but Marilee can't help but swoon a little.  

 

Out at her birthday dinner with her sister and brother-in-law, she runs into Zachary again (he's escaping Blair and her soulless entourage) and they have a really nice chat that's obviously interrupted.  A little bit more sparking.  Turns out Blair's dad is the owner of the pet store Marilee works and and she gets her fired.  Zachary and Blair break up, finally.  Marilee gets kicked out of her place and goes to live in Zachary's renovated apartment in exchange for helping with the main floor reno.  They start to connect but Marilee feels out of his league.  There's a mayoral party that leads to a misunderstanding but it all works out because of cats.  It's really cute.

Some of my favourite stuff about The Nine Lives of Christmas happens in the firehouse.  The Chief (Gregory Harrison) is a real get-in-touch-with-your-emotions type guy and he encourages Zachary to stop being so shallow and search for happiness over beauty.  And to stop being such a fraidy cat about his emotions.  The other guys just want Zachary to keep slutting around, but once they meet Marilee they're kind of in on the Chief's wavelength that Zachary should just get with the pretty, smart, awkward, nice girl.

It's just delightful.  Sustad has great comedic timing, and there's actually some legit funny scenes here. It's a rare Hallmark romcom that actually has some com.  It's not very Christmassy, I might say, but it's southern states setting means there's no chance of snow or inclement weather so it's only Christmassy by decoration.  This sort of pre-dates the heavy tropification of Hallmark so there's no baking montages or Christmas tree shopping scenes or much hot chocolatification.  So if it lags in peoples rankings of holiday romances, that might be why.

 

The Nine Lives of Christmas is certainly not the best Hallmark movie ever made, but obviously it's resonated with more people than just myself, as there is a sequel - The Nine Kittens of Christmas - that debuted on Hallmark last week (but doesn't air in Canada until this coming Sunday).  It will be in the Advent calendar next week.

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A running joke in early Simpsons was Bart crank calling Moe's Tavern.  My favourite of these was Bart asking for Hugginkis, first name Amanda, and Moe calling out "Can I get Amanda Hugginkis, oh why can't I find [A Man To Hug and Kiss].  

 

Cut to 2020, when A Princess Switch 2 comes out and I start thinking "oh why cant I find a Van to Hudg and kiss", which is wildly inappropriate given that I'm a happily married man.  But it's just what happens in my brain when I watch a VanHudg movie, particularly one that has no less than 3 different VanHudges starring in it.

 

Ok, let's be clear, I don't really want to be kissing VanHudg, it's just the saying going through my brain.  Also, there aren't three VanHudges, but truly just one, and she's freaking amazing in these movies playing multiple roles.  Not only that, but playing those roles against herself.  Not only that, but often playing those roles, as each other, against each other.  It's fucking ridiculous how amazing VanHudg pulls it off, but she does, perhaps even better each time.

 

In A Princess Switch 3: Romancing the Star (2021, d. Mike Rohl  - Netflix), VanHudg is back playing Stacy, her distant relative Lady Margaret, and Margaret's cousin, Lady Fiona Pembroke.  If you will recall, in APS2, Fiona and her little cadre tried to steal Margaret's crown by kidnapping then impersonating her, then selling the country of Montenaro off and getting the eff outta dodge.  She did not succeed.  Here, Princess Stacy and Queen Margaret are co-hosting a Christmas celebration and have secured from the Vatican a priceless tree-topping star, which promptly is stolen.  In order to get it back without causing a fuss, they need someone who can operate in dark shadows, which means Fiona is called up from her penance at a convent (she tried to overthrow the monarchy and all she gets is cleaning duty at a convent...man rich people get away with everything, don't they?)

 

So yeah, Fiona, a royal pain in the ass (haHA!) in the last one is our central character here, and we find empathy for her via a subplot about her avoiding her estranged mother's attempts at reconciliation, as well as her reunion with an old lover who used to be with Interpol but is now a security expert.   

 

This movie takes a long time for any switching to happen (it's almost an hour by the time the first Princess Switch is necessitated, but let it be known there is more than one switch required) but it's essential to both rehabilitating Fiona as a character, and setting up the monstrously ludicrous - but utterly entertaining - plot whereby Fiona and Peter Maxwell (Remy Hill, sort of Henry Golding-lite, which is not a bad thing) need to bust into dastardly villain Hunter Cunard's (a delicious mustache-twirling performance from Will Kemp) place while Margaret, acting as Fiona, distracts him.  They cop a scene from Entrapment as Fiona gets all cat-suited up to lithely slither between lazerbeams in a sort of dance with Peter.  It's so much fun and a little steamy.

This one goes full out ridiculous, where as the previous two were just largely ridiculous, kind of like how the Fast and Furious franchise evolved.  We don't get a fourth VanHudg but what she does here with the three is still immensely impressive.  She is so capable of performing against herself, so amazingly adept at creating distinct characters, that I honestly forget most of the time that it's a single performer, not three different ones.  How VanHudg manages to be one character playing another character and yet you can still tell from subtle physical or verbal cues that it is the original character is so amazing.  

The sets and the settings are all so lavishly decorated, as Toasty noted about the first one, "Gawds it's gorgeous there."  These aren't cheap, these movies.  They splurge on digitally having three VanHudges together in one scene, and they splurge on the sets and setting.  Yeah, there's real Christmas vibes in Montenaro.

 

If they're planning, at all, to continue the Princess Switch movies (and I get it if they don't, because they can't be easy on VanHudg) how would they possibly up the ante?  I say...crossover with Orphan Black...

 

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The only people who say they don't like Bruce Campbell are people who don't know who Bruce Campbell is.  The chin, the myth, the legend has from moment one of The Evil Dead such wonderful presence, there's a warmth and likeability there that he has never lost.  In fact it's only grown over the decades as he's become one of the most affable, charming personas at fan conventions that he's as much known for being Bruce Campbell as he is for any of his on screen credits.

So while it's definitely not out of the range of possibility that Campbell, given his B-list status, would appear in a Hallmark, it's still a surprise that he's actually in a goddamn Hallmark.  I assumed he would be playing the gregarious father figure to some young(er...mid-30's to early 40's) Hallmark starlet who would steal scenes but otherwise be a non-integral presence in yet another bog standard holiday romance, and I was here for it.  But then I saw he was acting against Peter Gallagher, another senior character actor of maybe grander repute as an actor, and wondered just what the hell kind of Hallmark would need two such heavyweights.

One December Night (2021, d. Clare Niederpruem) is not the typical Hallmark, but rather a "Hallmark Movies & Mysteries" product, which means absolutely nothing to me, but I gather it means that there's a separate Hallmark channel for more dramatic or mysterious storytelling, and less romantic cliches?  I really don't know.

The film opens with a montage of photoshopped albums, magazing articles, merchandise of in-world famous folk-rock duo Bedford & Sullivan which gives the movie an instantly different feeling than almost every other Hallmarkie, but then undercuts that by featuring the same, bog standard obligatory establishing shot of "the big city".  We meet Quinn Allan(Eloise Mumford), who works at a music talent agency.  She's been having difficulty getting any traction for her up-and-coming star (who seems to only be busking on the streets, so Quinn must be really, really bad at her job), but is given a prime slot for her if she can get the Bedford & Sullivan televised holiday reunion back on track.  She's being asked primarily because she's Mike Sullivan's (Gallagher) daughter.

 

She ventures to the smallish town which just lives as a popular tourist shrine being the home grounds of Bedford & Sullivan.  Mike still lives there, a hermit in his home/recording studio which is namechecked as being as famous as Abbey Road. He and Quinn have a strained relationship, as Mike seems to have with everyone.

 

She meets Jason Bedford (Brett Dalton) again, whom she hasn't seen since they were teens, maybe.  They grew up together in the trenches of their fathers' shadows.  Jason is now his dad's manager, but Steve Bedford (Campbell) isn't much of an act without Mike Sullivan, and the bookings are drying up.  Plus, it's rather clear from the first moment that Steve forgets something that he's got Alzheimer's (we know how movies work, there, script... oh an older person is pointedly forgetful...yeah, we know this one).

 

So it's about Fathers and children strengthening their bonds, and about those crazy kids falling in love (but did they though?), and about making sure that those grumpy old goats become friends again, not just for the sake of the concert, their kids' careers, but for their own well-being.

 

The romance sub-plot, which tries to shoe-in Hallmark favourites like a decorating montage or Christmas tree shopping, is the worst part of this.  I like how Jason and Quinn relate to each other as old friends with a shared background, and they could have done that with trying to make it so Christmas-cliche.  Dalton and Mumford are both great, but they didn't really have much of a romantic spark.  They had real friend chemistry.

Conversely their relationships with the senior members of their families, and the idea to cross pollinate (where Quinn works on getting Steve to the concert, and Jason works on getting Mike to the concert) works so incredibly well.  Particularly Quinn's relationship with Mike is a standout and all the appropriate, mature feels are there, without taking any shortcuts.  But obviously the show is about Campbell and Gallagher, and the two are so dynamic together.  Campbell is charming and gregarious while Gallagher plays Mike as holding on to something (his authenticity) so dearly it costs him everything.  Campbell entertains while Gallagher is the dramatic heavy hitter, but they both get a chance to switch hit. 

 

I only wish this were a film with better production values, elevated out of the Hallmark generic ghetto.  Stylistically it doesn't do anything flashy, so it's up to the wonderful cast solely to elevate it, which they do.  But a 2 or 3 million more and you would have a real movie, something that would fit beyond the pale.  It's quite good for what it is, but you can so easily see where, and how, it could have been better.

 

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Five-Star Christmas (2020, d. Christie Will Wolf - Hallmark) was never something on my list, but I stumbled into an airing a few minutes in and I was, frankly, quite impressed with the family dynamic of the cast.  I'm always impressed when performers in these things actually have that sibling feeling, the over-familiarity but with a bit of lingering animosity, and a playfulness that intones history.  This cast had that between Lucy (Bethany Joy Lenz), Will (Blair Penner), and Amber (Grace Beedle), as well as Will's wife Suzanne (Barbara Patrick) who joins in just that half-bit out-of-step with the rest of them.

They're all gathered, along with Grandpa Walter (Jay Brazeu), at their family home to find that widower father Ted Ralston (Robert Wisden) has transformed the spacious ranch home into a bed-and-breakfast.  The renovations were more expensive than he had anticipated and he has been struggling to book guests.  He figures his savings have only a couple months to hold out before the place folds.  The kids, already reeling from their home's transformation are doubly worried that their family home might go up for sale.  People in these cheapo holiday romances are always so overly attached to their family home.  People need to learn to fuckin' relax and detach.

Anyway, after all the familial anxiety and hullaballoo around that news, they have word that a famous(?) travel writer is in town (where there are a couple other competing establishments they could be visiting) when suddenly a car rolls up with with a flat tire.  It's Beth Thompson (Laura Soltis) who shares the same initials as the travel writer ( nobody knows what they look like, because we find out later they're actually a collective of individuals writing under the same pseudonym).  Soooo, Lucy, suddenly improvising that she's the hotel manager, invites Beth to stay, and quickly informs the family that they need to act as staff and guests in order to make the B&B look busier and more established.  Will and Suzanne act as erudite, travelers, Amber takes a stab at being the cook, and Grandpa is the desk clerk.  

They fawn and hustle for Beth's benefit (event though it's absolutely clear that Beth is not the review) and it's all B-grade farce, but for Hallmark it works.  Meanwhile another guest arrives in the form of big, brawny geologist Jake Finlay (Victor Webster).  Jake and Lucy hit it off instantly and over a few days and nights the line between guest and host has disappeared.  Also maternal Grandma Margo shows up and is instantly wants in on the fun of deceiving the guests, posing as an uppercrust lady with a German? accent.  Margo's delightful.

There's some sloppy 70's sitcom hijinks, a bunch of the usual Hallmark Christmas cliches, but also a few above grade scenes, like a genuinely romantic late-night gab-fest over a fire pit between Jake and Lucy, and later a tidy callback to their in joke as Jake makes a grand gesture, embarassing himself in a very public space (obviously after the complication happened whereby both of their deceptions were revealed).  So it's sweet romance all around as even Dad and Beth get some more time together... and it's rare that Hallmark handles the senior romance with anything less than a bludgeon.

What I took from this, though, is that Bethany Joy Lenz is a goddamn delight.  There are a few other bright, quirky, charismatic leads in the Hallmark stable, but none of them manage to navigate the comedy, drama and melodrama quite as adeptly nor as enthusiastically as Lenz.  She's just both feet on the ground and hoisting the whole production up on her shoulders. I've only seen two of her efforts (I'll get to Unexpected Christmas tomorrow) but I'm ready to declare her Hallmark's best lead actress.  Her past and future films will be on my "must watch" lists to come.  

The whole cast here comes together and delivers a well-above average Hallmarkie. It's still ridiculous but it uses that ridiculousness for comedy.  It's not trying to pull this scenario off as if it were something legit, it's just a romcom.  Hallmark is still kind of new at the com-part of romcoms so we'll forgive them a few growing pains.  By no means a must watch, but enjoyable nonetheless.

We Agree: Dash & Lily

 2020, d. Brad Siberling, Pamela Romanowsky, Fred Savage - Netflix
 Created by Joe Tracz, based on the young adult book series by David Levithan and Rachel Cohn

I spend a lot of the final two months of the year watching, let's face it, trash.  The now routine annual dive into the holiday romance offerings from Hallmark, Lifetime, Netflix and the rest, as I've discussed before, is a real brain warp. The el-cheapo holiday romances are typically not very romantic and they often get miscategorized as "romcom" when there is so rarely any comedy at all.  Watching these movies with cheap production values, routinely questionable acting, formulaic scripts, uninspired music etc. etc. doesn't necessarily mean they're unenjoyable, but like eating A&W burgers and onion rings for dinner or a full tube of Pringles as a snack, it's satisfying and triggers those endorphins but you sometimes don't feel too good afterward.  

Dash & Lily is, by comparison, like eating at a high-end, family-run steakhouse, the kind that ages its own beef and really takes time and care to cook the steak just like you like it, only it's even better than you expected.  It's no Micheline three-star five-course experience, but it's miles ahead of what Hallmark's serving.

Okay, enough with the food metaphors (I'm very, very hungry).

Dash & Lily is a strong contender for best holiday romance ever.  Certainly it takes top spot for best teen holiday romance, not only because there aren't many of those (Let It Snow was great but this is better) but just because it's so damn enjoyable.

Dash (Austin Abrams) is the teenage equivalent of those guys who dress in corduroy jackets with the leather patches on their sleeves.  He's erudite and a bit of a snob, but also too introspective and insular, enjoying the company of books to people.  He was recently dumped and is definitely not feeling the Christmas spirit this year.  He tells his mom he's spending Christmas with Dad, while Dad is off traveling with his latest mid-life crisis arm-candy.  Thus he gets to live in his dad's posh pad solo.

Lily (Midori Francis) has anxiety.  She has comfort zones, but not many.  There's a small terrain of NYC that she'll actually traverse, and her best friends are all adults from her caroling group.  She lives with her college dropout brother and grandfather while her parents are traveling in Asia Pacific for "work".

The show opens with Dash, in a book store, annoying the help by pointing out misorganized titles.  Then he finds a red journal with a message, a dare.  Perform the dare, leave the book, get the next dare and repeat.  Dash is intrigued.  The eloquence of the writing and the very specific literary references entice him.  The guy behind the counter knows what this is all about but refuses to give any hints.  Dash does the dare, and dares right back.  

Dash's best friend, Lily's brother and his new boyfriend, and plenty of acquaintances on either side become quite invested in this little romantic scavenger hunt that Dash and Lily are on, as the two decide quite early to keep their relationship strictly by the book until she's is comfortable enough.

Of course there are complications...these are teens traversing New York City at all hours when they should still be under parental guidance.  There are also investigations, as Dash eventually cannot resist finding Lily, and clues to her identity get behind.

For a story, told over 8 parts, where the two characters aren't interacting on the same screen for the majority, there's absolute chemistry between them, but at the same time it's tremendously important to acknowledge that chemistry on paper is not always chemistry in real life and there's often too much weight put on that first meeting that almost makes it a prohibitive prospect.  Add in the complications of Lily's childhood traumas resurfacing in unexpected ways, the return of Dash's ex-girlfriend (Keana Marie, who's got the accent and aloof charm of a young Gal Gadot), Lily parent's big news and Dash's father's sudden return, among other things, and there's enough minor complications getting in the way of these two adorable teens actually getting together, that it's absolutely heart-swelling when they finally do (not a spoiler, because of course they do).

Lily brings Dash out of his gloomier tendencies, to engage with the world positively, not pessimistically.  Dash encourages Lily in finding her strength, in acknowledging her fear but pushing past it, to engage with the world proactively, not reactively.  They compliment each other in the exact right ways but both have the same trajectory of discovery, about themselves, the world around them, and each other.  It's an undeniable bond, and it's sweet as a dozen candy canes.

Even the side plots of Dash & Lily -- the romantic intrigue of Lily's Grandpa (the great James Saito) as well as his estrangement from Lily's worldly, cultured Aunt (an amazing performance from Jodi Long), the romantic (and life) troubles of Lily's brother Langston, and Dash's uncomfortable relationship with his father -- all flesh out their pocket of reality so nicely.  The only real dud moment was the moment with Nick Jonas in his trailer.  It really felt out of step with the rest of the story and how it was told.  Even visually it had a different feel making it awkwardly stick out.

I think one of the biggest disappointments of the 2021 Christmas television slate is the fact that there isn't a season 2 of Dash & Lily.  It's not that these 8 episodes don't contain everything they need to feel complete and satisfying... I just liked these crazy kids so much I want to see more of their adorable adventures together (of course, without the little red book conceit, one wonders whether it would indeed have the same charm).

[last year's toastypost... we agree]

A Toast To HallmarKent: The Princess Switch 2: Switched Again

2020, Mike Rohl (Supernatural) -- Netflix

The Draw: 

Because it's the sequel. Because I want to finish off the series. Because I am not sure they can do much more with the premise of the series, now that BOTH versions of VanHudge (to lift Kent's term) are married off, and the third should be in ... jail ? Perpetual community service? Either way, curiosity.

HERstory: 

So, Stacy is a Hallmark Princess (you know what I mean) and his dived deep into being the wife of a Prince. And she is neglecting poor Prince Eddie, who strikes me as just ... having unfulfilled needs.  I think she has a bakery here in Pavlovia Belgravia while Kevin is back in Chicago running the shop there. Unfortunately, he and Margaret broke up. You see, Margie was back to just being another low-end royal in Montalbán Montenaro, until there was a death and an abdication, and now she is about to be crowned Queen on Xmas Day. Kevin pulled a dick move and they broke up; apparently he couldn't handle being a Royal Consort. Stupid Kevin.

Stacy and Edward are on their way to Montenaro for the coronation, which somehow finds Chicago on the way, where they pickup Kevin and Olivia. Olivia is fully onboard the "get Kevin and Margaret back together" train. They arrive at Margaret's palace, that she has not yet quite moved into (it wasn't her family home), and we get a lovely semi-montage of Decorating for Xmas. Once settled in, poor horny Prince Edward continues to try and woo his own wife, unsuccessfully. 

Later, at a weak attempt at a Ball, we finally get to meet the third VanHudge Doppel -- Fiona, the cousin who spent all her dead parents fortune, and is trying to hustle up some more funds. She's an annoying social media influencer chased by two equally annoying chav henchpersons.  Later, after picking the pockets (and one mouth) of the guests, they come up with a plan to "switch" out Margaret for Fiona, pretend to be the newly crowned Queen and rob the royal coffers.

Meanwhile, Stacy gets it in her mind to get Margaret and Kevin back together via another switch. This will allow Margaret Prime to spend some alone time with Kevin, away from weasley Antonio, the guy digging his way into the Montenaro court and Margaret's heart. And Margaret Secondary will go to the royal events in her place. And while at one of these events, Fiona's plan plays out -- they kidnap Margaret Stacy and replace her with Margaret Fiona. They now plan to hurry up the coronation so they can steal the funds, and Antonio is helping!

Meanwhile, Prince Edward is still horny and neglected, until he is dialed in on the plan. The Margaret Stacy plan, not the Margaret Fiona plan. 

But of course, they figure out what is going on, rescue Stacy and interrupt the illicit coronation, AND chase down Kevin at the airport before he can leave. They strong arm a priest into marrying Kevin and Margaret -- I guess marriage certs are not a thing in Montenaro -- and then actually crown Margaret a queen, the next day, Xmas Day, in case anyone forgot this was an Xmas movie.

The Formulae:

One thing that has become apparent is that I cannot shoehorn these not-Hallmarkies into the HallmarKent template. Despite them doing their own best to compete with the idea, they don't really subscribe to the trope laden potpourri that is a proper Hallmarkie. So, this will be the last time I lay it as such.

Really, the only Hallmarkie element we get is the decorating the Montenaro Palace montage.

Unformulae: 

Yeah, this is more Disney style romance / romcom / caper than anything. In fact, with a bit of hindsight, it's barely Xmas.

True Calling? 

Well, that is an easy one, because they do actually do another switch, though the real switch is the Margaret Fiona one. The other one is a weaksauce attempt to get back the magic,

The Rewind: 

No real rewind, but one thing I forgot to even mention in the first post, was the weird, kind of creepy Xmas Angel / wisdom filled old man who keeps on showing up slightly pushing people in the direction he wants them in. I am not really sure of his purpose.

The Regulars: 

Well, the entire cast of the first one is back, except for Olivia who is replaced with a slightly older looking young girl. AND we get an appearance by King Richard and Queen Amber of Aldovia as guests at the coronation, making the whole meta Netflix characters watching Netflix movies kind of meta-meta.

How does it Hallmark? 

Not so much. As noted, by the time we are at sequel, we aren't even trying to Hallmark it.

How does it movie? 

Oh gawds no. But again, if they are trying to be a low key Disney style caper movie, it does kind of feel like one of the forgotten Disney movies that would show up on Wonderful World of Disney in the 70s and 80s.

A Toast To HallmarKent: The Princess Switch

2018, Mike Rohl (Miss Christmas) -- Netflix

The Draw: 

Well, for pretty simple reasons. We are starting "this thing" up again and now that there is a third of this series on Netflix, I suppose we should watch the second. But I didn't remember a thing about the first AND I never wrote about it.

And because I said I want to watch as many Hallmarkies as I can, where baking is a trope.

HERstory: 

Stacy (Vanessa Hudgens, Polar) lives in Chicago. After a few establishing shots (not true fly in's but general stock bits), we meet her at her bakery. She and her business partner (is assistant baker really called sous chef?), longtime friend Kevin (Nick Sagar, Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments) [but not love interest!]. Stacy is still bemoaning the guy who got away, and Kevin is raising his daughter alone after HIS wife ran away. They should have gone with tragic death. Or maybe Paul ran away with Kevin's wife. Moar trauma?

Kevin has signed Stacy up for an overseas competition in Barovia Belgravia. This is just weird. You run a small, but decent shop in Chicago, and are just going to abandon the place during the Xmas season to run away for a prestige competition in Nowhere, Europe? Also, is the competition paying or does she just have the cash lying around? Either way, she initially says "no way" but runs into Paul, the Guy Who Got Away, and his new fiance. Bing! Off to Belgravia we go!

Gawds its gorgeous there! All picturesque, wintry village that just LOVES the winter season. I do miss when winter was more than just the week leading up to Xmas. We need more Winter Fairs, hot cocoa, sleigh rides and tobogganing events. The cottage they give Stacy and Kevin to live in while competing! Its massive. No Motel 8 on the side of the highway coming into town for Belgravia!

Stacy is intense, or driven, as Kevin constantly reminds her. She wants to spend the next few days prepping for the competition, which sounds alright with me considering the spontaneity in which she entered the contest (i.e. she didn't choose it), but Kevin and daughter need to check out the village. I can respect that, but why all the pressure on Stacy? Either way, they end up at the studio (Belgravia seems kind of small town quaint, too quaint to have its own massive studio) where Stacy meets her old school rival, soils her apron, and is forced to go into town to get a new one. Yeah, uh huh, like she doesn't have a dozen around, nor are any provided by the competition?

In town she literally bumps into her doppel -- Lady Margaret Delacourt (Vanessa Hudgens, Spring Breakers) -- who is in Belgravia to marry the Prince Edward (*snicker*). Yada yada yada, "Let's switch places!" Being a Duchess marrying a Prince is tiring, and Margaret needs a break. Despite Stacy having a competition to prep for, she agrees after a bit of bribery - Margaret will get Kevin's daughter into a ballet school summer program. And the Prince is supposed to be going on a trip, so Stacy will get some royal treatment and be back in time for the baking.

Bing! 

Prince's trip gets cancelled, and now Stacy ends up entertaining with Edward. Some ludicrous attempts at horse riding (Peanut Gallery, "Your stinky horse glove in my face! How romantic!") followed by a sleigh ride in a mini skirt, a visit to a local homeless shelter (Peanut Gallery, "Family homeless is a big problem in Belgravia?!?!") followed by a visit to the local toy store to buy toys for children at the shelter. And the Xmas Market, a genuinely lovely looking set piece. Stacy is charming but does not do a very good job at playing Fake Duchess -- you would think Prince Eddie would know something about the country he is marrying into.

Meanwhile Marge is having a grand old time with Kevin and daughter. Daughter does catch on pretty quick but likes Margaret's very free and open attitude, which throws Kevin for a bit, but he likes New Stacy, Stacy-lite, Stacy who is not so intense. They are getting along reaaaal well.

Post switch-back, Stacy and Kevin return to the competition, get slightly sabotaged by a rival (Stacy, "How do I puree my berries without a mixer?" Why wouldn't the competition be held accountable for damaged equipment? Peanut Galley, "How do you puree berries WITH a mixer? You just need a fine mesh strainer and a spoon !") but end up winning anyway. I am so disappointed how a movie about a baker in a baking competition focuses so little on the baking. But at the end of the competition, everyone reveals who each is, and Margaret even reveals she is in love with commoner Kevin!

A year later Stacy marries Prince Edward and they live happily ever after. Well, until the sequels !!

The Formulae:

The thing with these movies from Netflix is that they are NOT Hallmark movies, and despite playing in the same playground, they are more... Disney romcoms than they are truly Hallmarkies. So, we forgive them when they don't have as many of the tropes.

But, we do get quite the lovely Xmas Market, but the montage is a bit of a letdown. The movie does begin with the Prince being a bit of a dick; well, technically his driver, but its a common enough trope that the lead is annoyed at the potential love interest. Oh, and we do get quiiiite the reddish dress when Stacy as Margaret attends a ball. Oh, and the fake snow quotient is through the rooooof.

Unformulae: 

Again, these are the Netflix princess movies where they make their own rules. While there might be some aspects of the tropes in play, they don't stick close to em. Such as the Xmas Ball, this is more just a reason for Prince and Fake Duchess to get to know each other in a romantic Princess Romance Story manner, not at all Xmas Event driven. In fact, very little of the movie is the expected formula, and maybe we need another formula purely for royalty in love flicks? There are probably a good number of THOSE. But I won't be watching them UNLESS they be more Hallmarkie.

True Calling?

There is royalty, and there is switching, so yeah pretty much.

The Rewind: 

There aren't really any truly marvelous scenes to rewatch in this movie, neither ironically or genuinely. But Hudgens does look remarkably fetching in that Royal Ball dress. And her mini skirts. But that's just me. Oh! While not really rewindable, if I commented on it being chuckle worthy in the other Hudgens Hallmarkie, again it is prevalent that characters in this movie watch Netflix, and see the OTHER romantic seasonal movies in the listing, INCLUDING A Christmas Prince which takes place in the country of Aldovia, which we learned is not far from Belgravia. So, is the movie on Netflix a dramatic retelling of a true story in their universe? Or do they have a magical Netflix box?

The Regulars: 

Again, not being a Hallmarkie, it is not going to have many of the roster, BUT Hudgens herself has already been in one of the Netflix pseudio-markies: The Knight Before Christmas.

How does it Hallmark? 

To be honest, it's barely trying. And they are really just trying to make their own pseudo Disney style romantic movie with hijinks and royalty envy.

How does it movie? 

Oh gawd no. Not even as a pseudo Disney style movie.

Of note, I have not caught up with writing about these Netflix Princess romance movies. As there are two popular series, apparently set in the same universe, one starring Rose McIver (A Christmas Prince) which we have ended up hate-watching, as  they are terrible in their own special ways, and THIS series. I am surprised Netflix hasn't launched a third, maybe not Xmas season based.

But I should be writing about them for THIS series. Maybe some rewatches? Maybe not.

A Toast To HallmarKent: A Kiss Before Christmas

2021, d. Jeff Beesley

Trigger Warning: this is a movie about an entitled white guy who wines and complains that he doesn't have as much as other entitled white guys... but in the end he learns that being a nice entitled white guy can also mean failing upward. 

The Draw:  This movie was promoted as a reunion of Teri Hatcher and James Denton.  I assume it's a reunion of Desperate Housewives castmates, though I'm literally not bothering to look it up.  Hey, it's better than a reunion of Hatcher and #notmysuperman Dean Cain, obvs.

But that said, as a good comic book nerd of the 90's I watched avidly Lois & Clark and obviously as a hormonal teenage boy, I lurved Teri Hatcher.  But 25+ years later, would I really watch a Hallmark just because of a lapsed boyhood crush?  

Not really. 

I noticed when drafting my list of Hallmark movies (and the like) to watch this year that there were no less than two former Lois Lanes participating in Hallmark movies this year... Hatcher, and Smallville's Erica Durance (who co-starred in Open By Christmas, and double-duty stars in a Lifetime a little later this year).  So that's why...because there's two former Lois Lanes and I'm watching them both (I passed on the former Supergirl Hallmark this year, though).  I wonder when Superman and Lois' Bitsy Tulloch will be doing her first Hallmark?

HIStory:

Establishing shot: I want to guess Chicago? (update, yeah it's Chicago)

Caption: Christmas Eve, 20 years ago.

Cut to front lobby, where nice-guy Ethan (a barely-noticeable digitally de-aged James Denton) and his dick boss Sean are having a walk-and-talk through the front lobby of the office to the elevators, and he's being asked to "get comfortable" with not-quite-bribing city officials for preferred treatment in development contracts...or something like that.  But he's not comfortable. He skips taking the elevator with Sean and just stands there with a stunned face waiting for another elevator, unaware that one has come.  Meanwhile, there's a charity Santa in the background ringing his bell, non-stop, because that's not annoying.  

Joyce (a digitally de-aged Teri Hatcher entering shocking uncanny valley territory, which I first thought was horrendous plastic surgery) rushes through to catch the open elevator and leans out to ask Ethan if he's coming.  Cut to creepy Santa leer.  Like serious serial killer vibes.

Ethan enters the elevator. Sliding doors (ahem).

Smash cut to spacious but busy home kitchen, 20 years later (with great fake product placement like "Honey Nut CEREAL" and "Ring CEREAL"). Ethan and Joyce (Teri, looking normal, thank gob, and, yeah still great by the way) are rushing to get their day going, and their late-teen-age kids out the door.  There's talk about some office Christmas party, and that their football kid is now into baking, and the daughter needs help with something soccer something but Ethan's too busy, oh and someone's applying to college (it's Joyce who wants to go back to school to finish her legal degree).  Moments later we learn Joyce's car keeps breaking down, and that  money is tight, and we learn Ethan hasn't gotten a VP promotion after multiple applications. After 20 years, he still has the same carrot-dangling dick boss, Sean (Rod Wilson), and the firm's President(? Owner? Both?) Rona (Marilu Henner) is kind of condescending towards Ethan and the work he does (but later turns out she's really a nice lady which makes this introductory moment very confusing).  Oh, and that same creepy Santa's hanging around, only he's outside this time.

His dick boss' development deal is falling apart and he asks Ethan to help push a woman out of her 3-generations-owned newsstand, event though it is against his ethics, but he really wants a promotion for more money so there's supposedly less stress in his life.  Joyce is not onboard.  White, entitled, middle-class guy complains about not having enough in life. Oh and Rona noticed that something was up between Sean and Ethan (without directly saying it, the film implies much of Sean's success has been on the back of Ethan's excellent project management skills).

At the train station, on the way to screw over the newsstand woman, Ethan is approached by *that* creepy Santa.  For some reason Ethan unloads his troubles on him and in the process wishes that 20 years ago he had taken that elevator with Sean, the unscrupulous, bribery-laden road that Sean wanted him on, and worked his way up the ladder Sean's way.  

So Santa makes it so.

Ethan falls asleep and wakes up not immediately realising that things have changed, except that he can't find Joyce in his phone (and I guess he doesn't know her number).  He now has Rona's driver, because she retired and the firm is in his name he's the new boss (co-owner and president apparently)  It's also December 1, not Christmas day, so it's both an alternate reality AND time travel.

He gets to the office and he's immediately confronted with tough-ass lawyer/not-his-wife Joyce, who is protecting the community center his firm is threatening to tear down.  As Ethan discovers his new life, with really nice suits, a Ferrari in his driveway, his wine-of-the-month subscription, his nice-but-impersonal corner office and his gorgeous-but-impersonal home (all the material goods he ever wanted) he starts to realise that he no longer has his wife, nor his adopted children in this life.  But his initial take-away is that being a nice guy was getting in the way of the life he thinks he wanted.
 

Santa pops up in his home out of nowhere and tells him that he's taking the wrong lesson, and that he has until Christmas to figure out why he's in this alternate reality and what he's supposed to learn, otherwise he's going to be stuck here, and forget everything about his other life...his wife, family and 20 years of self-doubting misery.

In order to figure out what he needs to do, Ethan is given advice to talk to the person he trusts the most.  In his old life, that was Joyce, but she hates him in this life, so he starts trying to woo her with her favourite flower (Poinsettias are more of a plant though, Hallmark) and hot chocolate...all delivered in excess.

He knows where she'll be on the first Friday night in December so he makes a plan to confront her at the tree lighting ceremony (which is definitely not shot in Chicago)...it evolves into the most innocuous, and therefore maybe the best ever "Christmas tree shopping" sequence I think has ever been in a Hallmark, because it's not, at all, about Christmas tree shopping.  In fact, until Joyce picks out a tree, I wasn't even aware that it was a Christmas tree shopping scene.  Subtle, and it ends with a pretty solid joke too.

Ethan manages to talk his way into alt-Joyce's (ew, no...that doesn't work...DoppleJoyce...yes) home but when he tries to tell her what happened to him, about his other life, she throws him out...but then she chases him down and he drops some info that he shouldn't possibly know.  They have a really logical conversation about how absurd it all is, DoppleJoyce (and the script) questioning all the right things.  (Good job script!)

A tour of the community center with DoppleJoyce and he runs into his dopplekids (they were fostered by a different family in this life) which he tells DoppleJoyce about.  It has an impact on both of them.

He starts using his newfound power and position to bring his good-guy determinism to the company and property development, impressing DoppleJoyce along the way.  But also DoppleJoyce, delving into her legal crusaderism, really impresses upon Ethan just how much Joyce's career in his real life would have done good.

After a really cheesy TV interview, Ethan has a bit of a spell, his memories of his old life starting to slip, and malevolent Santa appears, acting all creepy.  At a fundraiser for the center, business partner Sean starts working his evil magic by convincing people not to contribute too much and attempting to drive a wedge in between Ethan and Joyce, but they see through it almost immediately (wtf? Really? That never happens...good on you again script!)

In the end, it all works out, the money is raised, but Ethan's memories of his old life have all but disappeared.  He asks Joyce out and she's mortified.  He's forgotten about his wonderful other life and she is the one who urgently reminds him of the wonderful life he did have. Dismayed, Ethan emotionally breaks down, learning that he doesn't care about the money, or the job or all the stuff that comes with it...without his family it doesn't matter. "I want my family, I want to be a good man for them." Santa shows up and give Ethan his wish, and DoppleJoyce gives him a sweet - not romantic - kiss before Christmas. End movie... 

No...wait...

Ethan wakes up back in the train station...maybe a dream...but a dream 24 days long?  He rushes back to the Christmas party, tells Sean he's a total asshole (well, approximate) and Sean barks back, but Rona overhears and *finally* decides to fire his ass (on Christmas!) offering Ethan one of the now two open VP jobs.  Yay for entitled white guys failing upward!

Ethan goes home, embraces his family like we hadn't seen him do previously and gives his wife the most loving and romantic kiss, and promises to be more attentive and supportive and to enrich their lives with his presence, not his presents.  Or something.  Fin.

The Formulae:

Colour me shocked.  Literally shocked.  Beyond a few rudimentary things... the stock footage establish shot of the skyline (this one actually has multiple different establishing shots of Chicago strewn throughout), the cotton batting snow, and a few under-punctuated references to hot chocolate, poinsettias and, again, that utterly innocuous Christmas tree shopping scene, this film kind of side steps most of the tropes.

I guess there is a few Hallmark tropes - evil developer wants to raze a beloved building.  The whole stalker-Santa granting wishes/Christmas magic.    Oh, and Christmas deadlines are one of the biggest Hallmark staples.

If anything it leans more into the waking up in an alternate life, but still doesn't fall prey to the sillier or stupider tropes of that.  It wisely questions everything that is happening at every turn and still makes it work for both Joyce and Ethan's characters to wind up where they wind up in the movie.  They sell the emotionality of it all.

Unformulae: 
It's actually kind of a "reverse Scrooged" where a nice guy becomes a not so nice guy but learns to be a nice guy again and appreciate what he had in life.  It's not even really a Christmas romance, which these Hallmarkies always need to shoehorn in somehow, and it doesn't really even do that... but that just makes it more romantic in a way.

The film actively dodges the formulae.  There's the potential for a decorating montage, or a cookie baking montage and it just skips right past them to the finished product, if even that.   I'm still dumbfounded about the Christmas tree shopping scene that isn't a Christmas tree shopping scene.

Even for the "alternate life" kind of story, this one still manages to do everything right, rather than just lean into the story cliches.  It questions what's going on, it actively provides answers to questions you might have in your head... like if the fundraiser only needs one million dollars why couldn't Ethan, with all his newfound riches, just donate a million dollars.  Late in the film it's Rona who saves the day with a two million dollar donation and Ethan says "Oh, right! I totally forgot I have money!" Hilarious and accurate.

I love how Ethan is both shocked by the alternate reality but also embraces it.  I guess when you slide into an alternate version of yourself who is uber-rich it's hard to really be too upset, what with the gorgeous suits, the beautiful home (that bathroom, migawd!), the Ferrari.  Yeah, he may be on the clock to figure out how he gets back home, but damnit if he isn't going to enjoy it on the way.

I like the film's use of forgetting his family, I only wish they'd played that card more than twice though.  It seemed rather abrupt when he completely lost his memory at the Christmas Eve party.

Honestly though, there's like nearly Leftovers level of thinking put behind this movie to give its characters a natural feel and relationship to the fantastical.

Ethan's alternate reality house, his Ferrari, his suits.  They put some goddamn money into this one, and it looks it.

True Calling? 

Okay, this title is stupid.
I was all set to proclaim that the title was a spoiler alert, that the way that Ethan gets back home is for DoppleJoyce to kiss him before Christmas, but it's got nothing to do with that, and the kiss before Christmas from DoppleJoyce is so appropriately sweet (I was like, if he makes out with an alternate version of his wife that's still kind of cheating, but it didn't happen).  The "Kiss Before Christmas" was so inconsequential.

They should have called it "A Wrinkle in Christmastime".

The Rewind:
There are photographs and framed magazines on the wall of alt-Ethan's office where we see him with Bill Clinton, George W Bush, Barak Obama, and Kareem Abdul Jabbar.  I wonder if these were actual pictures James Denton has. They don't look photoshop (from what little I could see of them).

The youth center is a single floor but very modern/new looking complex from the establishing shot so it's hard to believe it's in as dire condition as they make it out to be.

At one point Ethan is eating a Christmas cookie from a plate.  He breaks the cookie in half, and takes a bite of one half which he then puts back on the plate, still holding on to the unbitten half.  In these times of COVID, you can't just do that man.

 

The Regulars:
Directory Beesly has done 8 Hallmarkies in the past 3 years, including one of Kent's top 5 - The Christmas Club. He also did the non-Christmas Hallmark "Love Strikes Twice" which plays in the same alternate-reality do-over space.

Shockingly this is Teri Hatcher's first Hallmark.  James Denton did the military-bait romance Hallmarkie "For Love and Honor" in 2016. And, oh, he played Superman in the direct-to-video animated adaptation of Grant Morrison's All-Star Superman.  So we did have both a Lois and Clark in this afterall.

Marilu Henner made her Hallmark debut (maybe, not doing a ton of research here) in last year's first Hanukkah effort Love, Lights, Hanukkah! 

Creepy Santa is played by John B. Lowe who has been in about a dozen (or more, I didn't count) of these things, including this year's clear Kent favourite Crashing Through The Snow.

How does it Hallmark?
Honestly, it's not very Hallmarkie at all, which instantly makes it one of the better Hallmarks.  I actually enjoyed it tremendously.  The commercials pitched it as a bog-standard Hallmarkie so I was overwhelmingly surprised and delighted by how... entertained I was in a completely unironic way.  It's good.  Probably even better than Christmas Sail.

How does it movie? 

You know what, it's really like a legit TV movie.  Like, put it on ABC or CBC or something.  It's not a movie movie, but it's definitely a TV movie.  Denton puts in a wonderfully versatile performance with a plethora of nice little touches, and the familiarity that he has with Hatcher makes the movie just hum.  The kids are not great actors, but also not in it much, and Sean is easily the best dick boss I've seen in a Hallmark.   A real surprise thumbs up from Kent!

Even the poster is kind of good for a Hallmark.

Red Notice

2021, Rawson Marshall Thurber (Skyscraper) -- Netflix

What happens when you take a Ryan Reynolds vehicle for Netflix (failure: 6 Underground) and mash it with a The Rock vehicle for Netflix (OK, I want to say Hobbs & Shaw but it ain't) and add a dose of pumpkin spice latte, I mean, Gal Gadot? Well, in this version of the multiverse, you get Red Notice, which the trailer says is about FBI Agent John Hartley (Dwayne Johnson, Jumanji) teaming up with notorious art thief Nolan Booth (Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool) to capture another art thief, The Bishop (Gal Gadot, Fast & Furious) who has a red notice on her, basically a label for "the worst criminal ever, everybody AFTER HER !!" 

That is what the trailer says. Its a bit of a bait & switch. The movie is barely about the red notice. But they couldn't call it The Rock and Deadpool's Great Heist Day Out could they? Instead, we got the greatest of great popcorn movies, in that while I was watching I was thoroughly enjoying, as production budget and quips and great scenes and ever greater settings abounded. But then I burped and remembered how overly salted cinema pop corn really is.

So, basic premise is as above, but really its about Booth and Hartley chasing down three McGuffins -- booth even calls them McGuffins! They want to get them before the greatest art thief in the world ("second greatest!" yells Booth), the mysterious The Bishop, gets them. FBI: International tells us that the American national police force (the FBI) likes to send cowboys to other countries, where they have less than no jurisdiction, to catch Bad Guys, because... America. At least Hartley always has Interpol agent Das (Ritu Arya, The Umbrella Academy) always three steps behind him, remind him he has no jurisdiction, not that it stops him.

This movie is a mish-mashup of other genres and movie franchises wrapped into a standard heist flick. If Thurber does anything, is that he does a good job in keeping all these disparate elements coherent. They all really do seem to fit together in the movie. And that's a pretty big deal in these cheesy, popcorn action flicks these days, that are so prone to do things that just don't work, because the producer in purple had a great idea. I mean, they even steal scenes from Raiders of the Lost Ark without seeming too desperate for ideas. 

And, of course, Johnson and Reynolds have great antagonistic chemistry (Reynolds just loves playing difficult) that we cannot help but chuckle.

Wait a freaking second here, hold the horses, insert a record scratch. I started writing this post with full intent on saying This Was Not a Good Movie. Sure, it was not as astoundingly bad as 6 Underground but it was still pretty bad. I wanted to say that after the fact, after the burp, that I just did not enjoy it as much as I did while watching it. And yet, I forgave it a whole freaking lot. I should be whining more! I should be bitching more! I should be picking it apart more! But, I guess this is where we are, in that I had fun, despite Gal Gadot's sorely under utilized character and the entirely unneeded Shyamalan Twist at the end. Franchise wannabe's wanna be franchises. So yeah, I guess I got out of the movie what they wanted me to get out of the movie.

Old Henry

2021, Potsy Ponciroli (Super Zeroes) -- download

1906; huh. 

I did not catch that in the opening sequence where old Henry McCarty explains where he came from, and how he lived his life (not nobly) until he ends up here, in the Oklahoma Territory, where they give you land, and if you can work it, it's yours. The Old West, cinematically, is an astounding period of time and place, that covers so much under such a simple label. As long as you have a land growing out of "nothing" (I am sure the indigenous folk would disagree), some outlaws and at least one gun fight with a revolver, then you have a Western movie.

Tim Blake Nelson (O Brother, Where Art Thou?) is Henry, looking more TBN than he ever has, i.e. tired and yokel. He is digging his farm out of the rocky soil with the help of his son Wyatt (Gavin Lewis, Maximum Ride) and his brother-in-law (country singer Trace Adkins, Deepwater Horizon) when a lone, riderless horse appears, blood on the saddle. 

Wyatt doesn't respect his father, nor the life he is living, but Henry regularly remarks that there are worse ways to be living. You trust him on that, inherently. There is weight of memory under that slack, greasy hair and unkempt moustache. So, when Henry rides out looking for the rider, and finds a shot man and a bag of money, you respect the emitted, "Nope." Alas, he changes his mind and gathers up rider, money and gun to take back to his farm.

Curry is the rider, claims to be the law, claims to be running from Ketchum, who robbed a bank and Curry foiled him, but not before getting shot. When Ketchum (Stephen Dorff, Deputy) appears also claiming to be the law, pursuing a bank robber, we are more likely to trust Curry. But not quite. There are lots of lies and secrets in this movie. There is one truth -- that there will be violence, because old Henry will not let violent men walk onto his land and threaten him & his son, without recrimination.

This movie is all TBN, and he handles it with the ease that equals how Henry handles a pistol, as we unsurprisingly later see. Dark pasts are common in Westerns, but usually not under the guise of a "slack jawed yokel" and Henry doesn't hide from his state, and TBN embraces it. When the reveal happens (not the reveal, that is the end) its like Henry doffs a heavy coat of fatigue, memory and regret, and stands straighter, and shoots even straighter.

T&K Go Loopty Loo: The X-Files

[Toast and Kent love time loop stories.  With this "Loopty Loo" series, T&K explore just what's happening in a film or TV show loop, and maybe over time, they will deconstruct what it is that makes for a good time loop]

The X-Files - Season 6, Episode 14: "Monday"

Preamble:
[Kent] I don't know about you, Toasty, but I used to love me some X-Files.  I was a huge, huge fan.  Until season 6.

While I fell off of watching early in season 7 (and peeked back in from time to time in the seasons that followed just to affirm what a train wreck it had become), it was at some point during season 6 I realized there was no grand plan for the mythology of the series, that they were just winging it.  Serialized TV was in its incubation stage, with Buffy and Babylon 5 being the early charge-leader.  The X-Files wanted to be that but they just didn't have the discipline.  They were too stuck in the old model of ratings-driven network TV. 

Season 6 came after the movie, a really neat looking film with a decent budget that felt extraneous from the TV series because it was made with the idea of enticing a general audience rather than servicing the story and fanbase of the show. The movie really made a mess of everything and it just got messier afterward.

The recent revival series [toastypost, kenttype] encapsulated everything I loved and hated about the original series...some really engaging, funny even, uses of virtually every genre trope for stand-alone episodes, and a larger arc that just got more and more convoluted, tedious and/or nonsensical. 

This episode, "Monday", I remember being a standout of Season 6, (along with episode 2, "Drive", both written or co-written by Vince Gilligan, creator of Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul). So I'm curiously excited to revisit, but I'm always trepidatious about going back to The X-Files.

[Toast] I have always had a contentious relationship with The X-Files. I remember when it started, just after I moved to Ottawa to sleep on the floor behind the sofa of Brian's apartment. He didn't do TV, but I did my best to play with an antenna to attempt to watch the pilot episode, as I had read about it somewhere. Not the Internet, so I have no idea. Probably some specfic magazine.

But I didn't have a TV for years, so our watching of the show came and went. We watched some on borrowed copies of VHS tapes, some on TV re-runs and probably dedicated time to a few seasons as I recall being really big fans of the Spotnitz episodes. And I have watched enough in the years since, that I pretty well versed with the mythology, enough that I recognized the whole reference to the water bed and where it came from -- Dreamland II, same season, Episode 5.

How did the Loop Begin?
[Kent] Unknown.

We don't actually get an origin story for the loop.  The episode starts outside a bank.  Cops cars swarm, the boys in blue flow on to the street, armed. A.D. Skinner arrives, not to take over this hostage situation, but out of concern because Mulder and Scully are inside.  

A young, gaunt-looking woman across the street starts running towards Skinner, yelling his name, warning him to stop them. Inside, Mulder is dying from a gunshot wound, Skully's trying to stop the bleeding.  The police storm the building, and the scraggly bearded robber reveals the bomb strapped to his chest, then sets it off.  Boom.  Opening credits.

When we meet the thin, green-eyed woman, Pam, again (and again and again) she indicates that she's been through the day so many times before, and it always plays out the same way and that she's figured out that Mulder is the solution to stopping the Time Loop, but no idea how.

[Toast] Yeah, unlike many episodes of the show, this one didn't delve deep into the exposition, with Mulder learning of an experiment, or telling us how particularly emotional setups can set someone in a loop of fate, or whatever obscure, unlikely thing Mulder is to believe. We get nuttin.

What was the main character's first reaction to the Loop?
[Kent] This episode is seen though Fox Mulder's eyes (it's a sad fake-out at the beginning where I thought back then, and once again, that this would be a Skinner-centric episode.  They never really did those and I don't understand why not). After the credits we find Mulder awakened to a leak in his waterbed ("You have a waterbed?" Scully asks repeatedly...Yes, Scully, and he also also mirrors on his ceiling.  Fox Mulder is a freak. It's canon that he's portented to die from auto-erotic asphyxiation).  His carpet is soaked and squishy (waterlogged carpet is so gross...), his cell-phone is toast, his alarm clock shorted out, and the water is leaking down to the apartment beneath him...plus he keeps tripping over his shoes.  Damages have to be paid, but he's got to retrieve -- then go deposit -- his latest paycheck in order to cover the cheque he just wrote his landlord.  He's late for a meeting (he probably doesn't care about anyways, seems to be a numbers meeting), but tells Scully to cover for him while he runs his errand.

Someone's come down with a case of the Mondays...

The next time he Loops, after getting shot and/or blowed up, he has a vague sense that something's off but not really sure what. Eventually, as he Loops, he starts getting serious deja vu, starts predicting what some people will say, starts recognizing Pam, sitting in the car outside the bank.  It all just seems strange, but Mulder's whole life is about "strange" so he's kind of into it.

We don't see Pam's first reaction to the Loop, nor do we ever see Pam's day outside of her encounters with Mulder or Scully or sitting outside the bank. I mean, what does she do with the rest of her day after the bank explodes?  Grab a sandwich and live it up?

[Toast] Pam seems a little fatigued by the whole thing. Sure, she has been watching her loser BF blow himself, and a whole bunch of innocents, up and doing her best to end it, but she just seems preternaturally tired. I wonder if we missed all the loops where she did the montage of fun stuff, of suicides, etc. By this stage, she is just concerned with ending the whole fucking thing.

WHY did the main character get put into the Loop? Can someone else be brought into the Loop?
[Kent] Again, strangely unknown.  They don't even ascribe it to some cosmic error.  There's no origin for the Loop.

Toast, any theories? :)

[Toast] There are some Internet theories that it is either the Universe trying to set things right, after Morris Fletcher fucked with Mulder's life (i.e. the waterbed has to go) but that wouldn't tie well together with Pam and the bank explosion. The better theory is that it's actually tied to Scully. A few episodes prior, in Episode 10, Tithonus, an immortal man dies, and seemingly passes the immortality onto Scully. On this day, she is blown up in the bank, and Death / the Universe is not going to so much as knit her back together, as restart the day, until she survives unscathed. Pam is just a chosen avatar of the action.

How long is this time Loop? What resets it? Can you force the reset?
[Kent] The Loop is probably Pam's whole waking day, but we only ever follow it through to Mulder's death in the bank explosion. 

Toasty, do you think it's possible that while Pam is the only constant of the Loop, that it's happening around Mulder and that when Mulder dies the Loop rests?  

[Toast] Possible, but I like to think it's just "the day" that is happening over and over again, whether or not Mulder dies or not. I think Pam just lives out the day, and at some mystical time on the clock, she wakes up in her bed again, with loser Bernard next to her. I wonder if she tries a few loops of smothering him with her pillow, but no, she still seems to have genuine affection for him, even when we meet them. Affection might be a strong word -- sympathy?

How long does the main character stay in the Loop? Does it have any affect on them, their personality, their outlook?
[Kent] Mulder wakes up every day at approximately 7:15 (according to his watch) to the sound of a newspaper hitting his door. Not sure what time an FBI agent's day usually starts but 7:15 seems awfully early to be late for work.

If I cared enough I could start investigating the Washington DC topography and the way the shadows are hitting buildings and start trying to discern what time of day it is by the time the cops arrive or what have you, but a) this was shot in LA (having relocated from Vancouver after Season 5) and b) I don't really want to.

So let's say it's probably around 10:30 to 11 am each time the Bank blows up if allowing for time for Mulder to half-ass deal with his leaky waterbed, get to the office, walk to the bank, and deal with Bernard for a bit.  Even that seems a little optimistic.  I mean, Pam does get into the FBI building tour in one Loop, which can't start any earlier than 9am.

As for Pam, the Loop is driving her loopy.  She's going mad.  By the time the final loop she's all but given up on trying to affect change.

[Toast] She's probably been grasping at straws for a long time. She has probably tried dozens, if not hundreds of ways to stop that bomb explosion, but the world keeps on sending Bernard and her there. Mulder's talk about Fate vs Free Will really plays into it, as the Universe seems to have its set paths, and we only affect minor changes through our own choices and actions. Not much room for a butterfly effect though.

What about the other people in the Loop? Are they aware? Can they become aware?  Does anything happen if they become aware?
[Kent] I think people who are sensitive to the paranormal or have paranormal awareness like Mulder aren't "brought into the Loop" (per the previous question) but they recognize the signs faster with each reset, and, ultimately, they are able to affect their mentality in the next Loop if they tries hard enough.

Most people though seem resistant to understanding there's a Loop. Clearly Pam has tried to make people aware.

[Toast] Yeah, Mulder's sympathetic connection to The Weird really assists him in adding himself into the loop, once her initial influence has him noticing things. I think by the last loop, he is truly on his way to experiencing it the same way Pam is. I wonder what would have happened should Pam had not sacrificed herself, and she and Mulder kept on trying different ways to end it?

What does the main character think about the other people in the Loop? Are they real? Do they matter?
[Kent] Hard to say.  Mulder, being a step behind the Loop, is just doing his business, being all heroic, hunky, sleepy-eyed FBI agent.  So yeah, people matter to him, even once he's aware of the Loop.  He's trying to solve it.  But what does Pam think?

Pam thinks she's in Hell. She's not having a good time with the Loop at all. Does she even care about Bernard anymore, having seen him blow himself up and heard him murder people time after time after time.?

She just wants the Loop to end.  I'm not sure she really cares about Mulder or Scully or even herself anymore.  She's stuck in a puzzle she can't solve nor quit.

[Toast] Agreed. Pam does not see these events as "real life" and just wants out.

Most memorable event in a Loop? Most surprising event during a Loop?
[Kent] Each Loop is remarkably similar.  It sounds like Pam has gone through so many permutations of trying to affect change in the Loop and eventually realizes that staying in the car is about the only place she ever feels she can make a difference.  

It would also appear that more Loops happen between the Loops we see.  At one point Mulder approaches her in the car, and they have a conversation about the Loop.  The whole "Mulder notices her in the car" is new in the second loop we see, but only a couple Loops pass when this exchange happens and she says they've had the same conversation so many times.  So obviously we're only getting a Cliff Notes version of the whole story of the Loop.

The most surprising thing is how cool the exploding bank looks on a TV budget.  They must have made a big mess with that practical effect.  Today it would just be CGI, but it looks so good.  And they use the hell out of that coverage.

[Toast] I didn't find much of any loop as memorable or outstanding, but I was somewhat annoyed by some of the actions in the loops.

Why does Mulder continue to sit on the bed once he notices the leak? Doofus, just stand up already! Pressure is just making the water flow more quickly. Also, why don't they just shoot Bernard through the eye? Once they have him at the end of a gun barrel, and see he is likely to pull the trigger on the bomb, just shoot the fucker. But this was the 2000s when cops/agents actually tried to talk Bad Guys down, instead of just shooting. But seriously, just shoot Bernard.

How does this stack up in the subgenre?
[Kent] Toasty and I were just comment with our last Loopty Loo that it was really neat to see a Time Loop story where the protagonist/lead character of the story/series wasn't the one aware of being stuck in the loop, and here we go with yet another one...so...not so clever anymore are ye, Star Trek:Discovery? 

As noted, this was a standout X-Files episode for me way back when, especially as a signifier of the end of my loving The X-Files.  Good stand alone episodes were getting rare, I was tired of the mythology, and the relationship dynamic between Mulder and Scully had also kind of gotten frustrating.  Going back to it, though, I enjoyed this.  I don't like the music, sounds pretty stock 1990's.  I also still wish it was Skinner that was figuring out the Loop.  The show always needed more Mitch Pileggi (Pileggi also appears the Time Loop series Day Break which will be an eventual Loopty Loo).

[Toast] Yeah yeah, I will eventually watch it.

That said, having dug through a couple dozen Time Loop stories, this ranks low on the totem pole if only because it doesn't really give answers to the whys/hows of the Loop.  It's unsatisfying in that regard.  What do you think, Toasty?

 [Toast] Agreed. Explanation and exposition are inherent to the trope! I want my wish washy science or my timey wimey magic (at least kind of) explaining how we ended up here. Even a follow-up scene at the end of the episode, where Mulder looks at a file about Pam and finds out she was connected to something from a previous episode, or maybe even abducted by aliens!

We Agree: Shang-Chi

2021, Destin Daniel Cretton (Just Mercy) -- Disney+

I have always appreciated Asian Americans (as a label, including Canadians) who skip right past the choosing of an Anglicized name. Sure, there are going to be some that our English tongues will trip over, but your name is your name, so stick with it. And people will always give shortisms or nicknames they can be comfortable with. I am David, not Dave, when asked.

My favourite bit in Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (just Shang-Chi from now on) is Shang revealing to Katy his San Francisco best-bud, what his real name is. Her Mandarin sucks so she keeps hearing "Shaun" when he is saying "Shang". And once she catches on, she is affronted that he hid his real name by removing one letter. That is so Awkwafina.

But it says something to the place of Asian American identities in this movie. As Kent mentioned, very few of us know much about the actual Marvel character, a Kung-Fu master who was probably just the comic book's desire to have Bruce Lee as a superhero. But the movie blows past all the challenging bits of comic book legacy and connects a new character to the existing MCU, by having Shang-Chi the son of the magically immortal warlord in charge of the Ten Rings, the actual evil crime organization that Trevor Slattery coopted in Iron Man 3. As a teen Shang-Chi runs from his legacy, to hide in America. But it finds him, or we wouldn't have a movie. So, the movie not only deals with an Asian American hiding from his heritage (to a degree), but also with the challenges of them in the world of comic book superheroes.

The challenge Marvel has in creating the second wave of Marvel movies, the ones that liberally disconnect from the flashy, familiar characters of the prime comic books, is keeping our attention. Marvel movies are well crafted, but that doesn't make them Good Movies. So much of the fun comes from combining the craftmanship, as in a well implemented use of formula, with the nostalgic familiarity of our favourite (or at least recognizable) characters on the screen. But take away the latter bit, and I wondered whether the craft would have sufficient weight.

At least, for me, it did. I really liked this movie, but I admit that it probably won't warrant as many rewatches as others. Then again, I said that about Ant Man and we often returned to it when in the mood for Marvel-lite. But what I liked about this movie was, as Kent said, how it was Disney in Live Action, but also because it drew upon familiar Asian cinematic elements, and connected them to a world I am comfortable in.

I have never really deep-dived into Asian cinema, but being a Once Movie Buff, I have dabbled rather heavily. I loved the Wuxia elements of this movie, especially that romantic, melodramatic, ballet of combat between warlord Xu Wenwu and Ting Li. He is seeking more magic to add to his already powerful "ten rings", and she is protecting the way to the magical land of Ta Lo. She effortlessly rebuffs his brash and aggressive attacks, moving like water away from him. And not long after, in true Disney fashion, he is not attacking, so much as he is dancing with her. This scene was utterly lovely, the wire work and CGI incredibly seamless.

And then the two more traditional Marvel combat scenes. One was so familiar, we could have been rewatching one of the Spider-man movies, even bringing back vlogger Klev, last seen in Spider-Man: Far From Home. Marvel cinematic combat has always drawn upon the feel of Hong Kong action flicks, so the fight in Macau, between Shang-Chi, his sister Xialing and the forces of the Ten Rings... well, it was spectacular. BTW, who builds scaffolding up around an ENTIRE building, and OUT OF BAMBOO !?! 

And then we eventually end up in Ta Lo with its magical CGI Chinese mythos monsters - was that a Foo Dog or a Pixiu? Ooo a Qilin !! And the Hundun, and of course, Trevor Slattery -- they made him seem so life like. I said out loud, "This is when the movie feels more like a Marvel movie" as this was a very traditional setup for the third act combat scene, with bright lights and big baddies, some losses and some humour. 

All the while, the movie is bringing Katy along for the ride. But not in an extraneous, only for comic relief sort of way. Katy plays an integral part to Shang-Chi's journey, often as much advisor and voice of wisdom, as she is quippy. Is there a romantic connection? Not likely. But there is a deep rooted loyalty, as she was the centre of his new family in America. But she is not just background, not that Awkwafina could ever just be in the background, as she steps up at every moment, despite having no powers, no super-duper combat training, just perseverance and strength of character.

I need to watch the movie again, so it is not just a jumble of memorable disparate parts. But the good sign is that all these parts felt good to me, and very little, if none, of the movie felt wrong. The only issue will come in the watching for that whole; if it is not there, then maybe the Marvel formula DOES need more to make it win through.

It's too soon for Xmas...but I wish it was Xmas today

 When I was a kid, of course I was into Christmas.  Unless something miserable happened to you to create a negative association of Christmas (like your parents got separated on Christmas, or your parents accidentally took a trip without you on Christmas, or any of the many other premises for a Christmas movie) - or, of course, you're of a different religion -- you're generally into Christmas as a kid.  Some people just get wrapped up in anticipating Christmas as they get older, while others - like me - lose their enthusiasm for it.  

As a teen, I felt anxious about Christmas gifting.  It seemed so obligatory, rather than of any genuine sentiment.  Christmas day, I just preferred to sleep in than get up and do the presents thing.  In adulthood, I had a sort of aimlessness around Christmas, an even deeper disconnect.  Again there were expectations for Christmas that were perhaps just in my head, but made me want to disengage rather than celebrate.  

After getting married I started joining my wife's extended family for their Christmas gathering which was big and festive and perhaps even a little excessive, but with its own traditions and fun.  It's certainly something I look forward to, but I also felt a bit guilty for not spending it with my own extended family.  Truth was, what I enjoyed most about the Christmas season was time off.  Christmas day was kind of manic, with having to hold one kid off on opening presents until the other one returned from his other Christmas, and setting up zoom calls, and car rentals, and dress up, and travel.  There's not really a sense of calm to Christmas, which has only further contributed to a sense of anxiety leading into Christmas.

But last year, with COVID forcing everyone to stay home, Christmas changed for me.  With little else to do, it was something different to look forward to.  I went out and bought more Christmas lights, tripling the amount we already had.  I was actively looking for Christmas movies to just distract me from thinking about the future.  We would walk the dog on differing circuitous routes to find different Christmas light displays. Christmas, rather than causing anxiety, instead became a refuge from my anxiety, and that has caused a dramatic shift in me this year.

Hallmark had a new strategy  of airing  their Christmas romance movies all year, even introducing new ones once or twice a months, but they started their big "Countdown to Christmas" on or about October 24 this year, which I agree, was way too soon.  But by November 1, I was ready to just start getting into it.  As we've seen I've already started watching the Hallmarkies, and pre-planning which others I want to watch, setting up the DVR to record them.  The first weekend of November was unseasonably warm so I took the time to put up the Christmas lights on the house, and then set the timer run for 2 hours after dusk.  I wasn't the only one in the neighborhood, but definitely one of very few.  We've been walking the dog and I've been excitedly pointing out new additions to the Christmas lights club.  My Christmas shopping is nearing completion. I found some Gluten-Free Christmas Pudding at the British shoppe.  I've been adding SO many songs to my Christmas Playlist (as well as aiding in the construction of a playlist for GAK's Exploding Head Movies radio progrum ). I'm mentally prepping for doing some baking very soon.

And, of course, I'm getting a steady diet of  Christmas content:

I've lost track of which Hallmark movie I watched and when.  They've been cranking them out three per week for the past month, and the generic naming, at best tangentially related to the story, make them direly unmemorable. I think, I may have watched THE SANTA STAKEOUT (2021, d. Peter Benson) after Christmas Sail but before Crashing Through The Snow but I really don't recall.  It was certainly a debate when I was doing my last "A Toast To HallmarKent" whether to do ...Stakeout or Crashing... but I chose the latter because I genuinely loved it.  ...Stakeout was hot garbage.

 

I'm not even exaggerating when I say it took me no less than six sittings to get through this movie.  From the opening moments I detested it. It starts with Tamera Mowry-Housley and Paul Green as antagonistic police detectives...he's supposed to be the shabby one with no decorum, while she's the keener rookie, but they seem like children, pre-teen rivals in middle school, both sucking up to the Captain... who, by the way, is retiring but needs them to solve this last case of a series of fine art robberies before he can leave (I don't know that that's how retirement works).  He puts these two seemingly incompatible people together on the case, where they have to cohabitate and pose as a couple as they stakeout their neighbour yadda yadda yadda they solve the case and fall in love I guess.

This movie is such a bummer.  Green is leaning into a comedic persona that isn't on the page, while Mowry-Housley seems like a fish out of water in the role.  As far as procedural goes, this certainly isn't The Wire.  In fact, it seems doubtful that the person who wrote this script has even seen The Wire or any sort of stakeout movie that isn't on Hallmark or Lifetime channels.  It's just shite detective work, is what I'm saying.  The "mystery" of the film is garbage. There's only one legit comedic moment here (a fun slow-mo entrance, executed decently), despite the lighter tone it's stubby little arms are reaching for. The romance never feels particularly romantic, nor earned given the antagonism they start with, and the connection these two should be making is as work partners: mutual respect, not love.

The biggest bummer is the chief suspect is played by Joe Pantoliano.  Occasionally one understands how certain character or bigger name actors wind up in these Hallmark projects.  This one is the biggest mystery of the movie.  Joey Pants just sleepwalks through this with a half-smile on his face and a look of regret in his eyes.  Hope the money was good.

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Meanwhile, over on Netflix...uh oh, BIG MOUTH is back for a 5th season.  We're talkin' the next phase of pre-teen pubescence and a whole lotta inappropriateness.  The Hormone Monsters are back, along with the Shame Wizard and Depression Kitty, and now there's Love Bugs that turn into Hate Worms and back again.  There's confusion over sexual identity, petty resentments, unrequited loves, and bad breakups. There's genitals, and more genitals, and pubes, and more genitals, and endless talk about genitals.  And they feed Maya Rudolph more alliterative "B" words to bounce around with. And Coach Steve calls waitresses "restaurant mommies".

 

In other words, all the outlandish shit we've come to expect from Big Mouth

But what's all this got to do with Christmas?  Well, episode 8 is actually "A Very Big Mouth Christmas" special.  It's a half-hour holiday-themed anthology hosted by puppet versions of the Hormone Monsters Maury and Connie as they get ready for a party that never really takes off (Shame Wizard and Rick also make an appearance in puppet form).  

 

In "Jessi's First Christmas", Connie tells Jessi a very warped version of the Nativity that stars the cast of characters from Big Mouth.  It's okay, but much of the comedy is a little expected, and it's perhaps too tied into Jessi's story from season 5, where she's feeling anxious about her new stepmom-to-be and the birth of her impending sibling.  This is in contrast to the absolute lack of connection to Big Mouth at all in the follow-up tale "The 400-Year-Old Virgins".  Here we head to the North Pole where the elves, diligently working at prepping for Christmas, spy Santa and the Mrs. getting it on.  Following this discovery, the elves have a sexual awakening and Christmas is kind of ruined.  As promised by puppet Maury, we get to see Santa's dick, a lot sooner than expected.  It's all many kinds of wrong. Just really, really wrong.  So wrong I'm not sure if its even funny.

"Mira-kill on 34th Street" gives us the reverse John Wick-ian origins of Jay's dog, featuring Ludacris ("Featuring Ludacris" is the name of the dog).  In it the dog's owner is murdered and the dog goes on a bloody revenge spree.  The animation takes on a much more stylized aesthetic for the action heavy spectacle. It's cute. In "The Little Cummer Boy" Andrew, fed up with Hanukkah, has his wish come true of being Christian so that he can celebrate Christmas.  It all seems great until Andrew goes to masturbate at the end of the day and learns that it's considered a sin, and he goes to a Hell of his own imagining.  Funny segment with an eye-rollingly crude rendition of Deck The Halls.

 

In "Snowmom", latchkey kid Lola is alone at Christmas yet again, but she makes a magical snowmom to spend a wonderful day with.  Told in the same animated style as Community's "Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas", this brief segment lacks any of the typical crudeness and toes a line between laughing at Lola and sympathizing with her (a line the show constantly dances around).  It's kind of sweet actually.   "Vader Johan" finds the Swedish twins relating the tale of their native Christmas customs, visualized in a sort of paper-cutout with watercolour 2-dimensional style to accentuate the creepiness.  It's a humorous satire of the Krampus and other similar horrifying holiday legends from Europe. Good stuff.  

The final segment, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being Santa", Santa starts to question his belief in himself, but his crisis of faith intersects with Featuring Ludacris revenge tale where the two team up to take on the last of the Russian mafia, ending with Santa laying dead in a gutter.

 

It's a vulgar, often uncomfortable, frequently hilarious special that shouldn't become a seasonal rewatch, but, you know, just might.  Puppet Connie, Maury and Rick in the framing sequences are so delightful. (Connie: "Look at my barf, it's so cute, all pipe cleaners and buttons...")  I can't in good conscience recommend it, but I also can't recommend it enough?

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 If my ventures into Hallmark this year so far have provided any sort of insight it's that they are definitely trying something different.  Gone are the plethora oh so painfully enjoyable Hallmark Christmas Movie Drinking Game cliches, in are attempts at subverting those cliches and creating a more believable reality in these movies.  Some of the films are opening with real-world songs, and even an opening credits sequence.  There's less paint-by-numbers sensibility, so the familiar beats of big city girl returns to small town to find the piece of her life that was missing and having lots of hot chocolate and a snowball fight and buying a christmas tree and baking cookies along the way...well, those seem to be somewhat gone.   

As I've seen with Christmas Sail and Crashing Through The Snow, there's the possibility of Hallmark movies now being good viewing and not just good-for-a-Hallmark viewing.   But I suspect that by abandoning the formulae, for the most part what we'll be seeing is just a lot of bad movies that are missing the cliche drinking game fun (for the ironic crowd) or the familiar feels (for the earnest viewing crowd).

So we have NEXT STOP, CHRISTMAS (2021, d. Dustin Rikert), which is a Hallmark time-travel story which features Christopher Lloyd and Lea Thompson, but otherwise has zero connection to Back To The Future.

In this, surgeon Angie (Lyndsy Fonseca) has a sudden encounter with her childhood best friend Ben (Chandler Massey) at a New York bar.  She's also reminded of the guy whose proposal she turned down 10 years ago, Tyler (Eric Freeman), as he's now a famous sports broadcaster whose images is plastered everywhere.  Trying to catch a late train from Manhattan to Yonkers, she's called over to a weird wooden booth where inside a charming Christopher Lloyd-like character with a twinkle in his eye (played by Lloyd, of course), sells her the train ticket that she needs.  On the train she falls asleep, only to immediately awaken and find herself alone on a very cool, old timey train, the only other person a Christopher Lloyd-like character who insists he's a different Christopher Lloyd-like character than the other one.  He tells her she's on a special journey, but in order for her to use her return ticket, well, she needs to figure that out.  

She finds herself 10 years in the past, back with Tyler, heading home for Christmas.  This time, she wonders, perhaps she needs to accept his proposal...?  There's really no rules to this, and it's weird, because we're never convinces that accepting his proposal is even remotely what she wants.  But when she does, it's not enough to get the return ticket home.  Meanwhile Ben is there and they are best friends again and all is crazy good between them, or so it seems.  Also her Mom and Dad are still together, but she's more keenly aware that they're drifting apart, and works hard with her big sister (in the midst of her own baby-making issues that Angie was oblivious to last time around) to bring them back together.  One of these things has to be the key to her returning home.  As she solves each of these relationships in her heart, she visits again with the Lloyd-on-the-train who says kindly but cryptic things to her and sends her back on her way.

Once resolved, because of course it's got to be about the fact that her and Ben should be together (because guys and gals just *cannot* be friends...we'll get back to this hoary trope in Boyfriends of Christmas Past shortly) she returns back to her time to find that, hey, her parents are still together and that her and Ben have been a couple for ten years...what?  There's no logic to this ending at all.  There's no rules to the time travel they present here (is it magic, science, or just a dream?).  The story dances around the obvious to a painful degree and doesn't do so with half the fun had it contained all the usual cliched Hallmark bits to drink to.

The performances are all pretty good, actually, with Fonesca being a very, very charming lead, and handling all the "what the's" and general confusion with a good comedic aplomb.  But the script and the dialogue is all pretty rough, first draft type stuff that even good acting can't save.  And the ending points out the flagrant lack of thought put into their time trave conceit, which any sci-fi ner would agree is unforgivable.

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Pivoting back to Neflix again for LOVE HARD, their first new Christmas/holiday program for this year.  It's also a mid-budget Christmas Rom-Com.  As such tt has some big shoes to fill stepping into this position, considering last year's entry in this realm was Holidate, which I watched twice last year and rewatched again this year.  It will be a holiday staple.

Love Hard, while cute, unfortunately doesn't hold up to that same high standard. 
Is it a good movie? Enh, probably not.
Did I enjoy a lot of it? Sure did.

There's a lot of uninspired, well, everything in this movie, and much of it relies completely on "movie logic" (which is to say things happen because the movie needs them to not because it makes sense for the characters). The story finds Nina Dobrov as Natalie striking out in the dating app scene in LA, being pushed to expand her boundaries, and finding a match with a handsome-looking Josh (Jimmy O. Yang) out in Lake Placid, NY.  After a few weeks talking and bonding she decides to head out to his home, only to find that Josh used another dude's picture (Never Have I Ever's resident stud, Darren Barnet) for his own.  It's a catfish.  Through circumstances she spies the real guy from the pictures, Tag, and Josh agrees to help her meet him.  The point being that she has to lie and change herself to be with Tag, because she isn't really his type, and ultimately learns that Josh is the same guy she was attracted to cerebrally over the phone, and much more her speed.  There's really no good answer here to this...it's all awkward.

It's kind of annoying that the relationship between Josh and Natalie starts because of a text conversation around whether Die Hard or Love,Actually (the two films which smash together to create this film's nonsensical, sub-Hallmark-level-forgettable title) is the best Christmas movie... is so banal and, frankly, amateurish and lazy. And there's more where that came from (the film literally ends with a grandma making a dick-pic joke). There's extensive rehashing of how rape-y "Baby It's Cold Outside" is, but it actually leads to a charming new rendition that gives Key and Peele's take on the material a run for its money.

That all said, the cast, particularly leads Nina Dobrev snd Jimmy O. Yang, sell every awkwardly scripted moment of this movie. Yang certainly delivers in selling Josh's unlucky-in-love-for-obvious-reasons-but-actually-has-something-more-going-on-underneath, and Dobrev sells junior-grade Carrie Bradshaw rip-off Natalie's subversive desires as well as her shallowness without ever being unlikable. She's game for the physical comedy and she sells a sense of inner monologue in her eyes.

Love Hard does make a point that a type of Catfishing kind of happens just as much in person as it does online, that we often try to present a version of ourselves who doesn't really exist. The point here is that being honest with someone else means first being honest with yourself. Just wish someone had been honest with the script writers and asked them to take another pass at it.

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Swinging back over to Hallmark once more, we have Boyfriends of Christmas Past, yet another riff on Dickins' A Christmas Carol but this time it's about a woman who is oblivious to the romantic affection her best friend has for her, so her ex-boyfriends (who aren't dead) come and haunt her in the night, replaying the end of each of their relationships to try and teach her a lesson maybe.

Again it's a Hallmark aiming for a more ambitious story.  Catherine Haena Kim plays Lauren, a successful whatever who is just trying to find inspiration for this thing at work which is due before a presentation which takes place on Christmas Eve, like so many professional things do in these movies but almost never in real life.  This work-work-work focus is frustrating for her best friend Nate (the handsome Raymond Ablack) as he wants her to slow down with him and enjoy the holidays together (as he works up the courage to say he wants to do this in a "more than friends" way).  The deal here is  Lauren kind of takes him for granted.

 

The Jacob Marley is her dopey high-school skater boyfriend who warns her of the visitations.  She looks him up on line and looks like he grew up and has a dopey, happy life and family. The next day, she's visited by her guitar-playing college boyfriend Jake (the extremely handsome and suave Kara Kaira).  At Christmas he says he loves her and she freaks and breaks up with him.

 

The next visit is with her post-college romance, with the successful Henry (Ish Morris).  He brings up the idea for her to move in with him at a Christmas party they're throwing, and she dumps him.  A couple days later (after some stuff gets contentious with Nate) in comes Logan (Jon McLaren) who reminds her that when he asked her to marry her while on a Christmas hiking retreat , she literally pushed him away...on a zipline.  

 

After Nate confesses his feelings in a fit of frustration and giving up, Lauren is visited by all four "ghosts" who take her to the future to see Nate getting engaged to the cute woman who started helping out at the community center.  Lauren gets jealous, as well as feels guilty and realizes in the middle of her pitch meeting and runs out, totally getting fired at Christmas, to confess her love for Nate, and all is happy.

Except is it? Seriously, why can't Hallmark just let friends be friends...OR actually deal with the awkwardness that occurs when one friend likes/loves their other friend romantically but it's not reciprocated.  I've been on both ends of that and it's not fun, but it's real.  Here, there is no romantic chemistry between Kim and Ablack, so when she "finally" realizes she loves him, it feels less like a true romantic awakening and more of a fearful "oh shit, I'm going to lose him" reaction. 

 

It's like these "ghosts" (of people who aren't dead) are trying to teach her a lesson, but it's a lesson she's already been learning.  She has residual issues around romantic partnerships because of her mom leaving her dad (the wonderful, but underutilized Paul Sun-Hyung Lee) at Christmas, and then all these guys wanting to accelerate their relationships at Christmas (but each time she's already growing, from love, to living together, to getting engaged) which is clearly triggering to her.  She doesn't really need ghosts for this realization.  But if we're following the trajectory, when Nate proposes in the "One Year Later" scene, all I can think is we're heading towards a "runaway bride" situation, because that's the pattern this script presents.  Poor Nate.

But I want to see that happen.

 

This movie isn't bad, but it's not well thought through. It's trying to be cute and playful not realizing that it's saying more than it thinks it is, but not making the point it's trying to.  The cast is good, but none of the relationships delivered much of the romantic feels that I think they were going for.  The lighting in this is also pretty bad, like, noticeably so.  I think it was intentional to try and give it a different, less polished look than the typical Hallmark but it only succeeded in making it look cheaper.

 

The Korean feast the Kim family eats looks exceptionally delicious though.

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Some people be next-level angry about the new Home Alone legasequel, just flipping irate, as if somehow any additional Home Alone product could be any more damaging to the John Hughes original than the three non-Macaulay sequels that were cranked out from 1997 to 2012.  

Now I kind of know how non-Star Wars nerds feel about the Star Wars nerds getting all upset about something, because I have so little invested in Home Alone, so little attachment to it as a property, that nothing about Home Sweet Home Alone bothers me, at least from a series standpoint.

As a movie, as entertainment, this was fine. Just...fine.  Nothing offensive, nothing to celebrate.  It's passably entertaining, occasionally amusing, and reaches to tug at some genuine but someone's iced down the path there so they keep slipping and can't quite reach them.

It's kinder, though certainly not gentler nor as mean-spirited as the original, but in giving us plenty of sympathy towards the accidental, desperate burglars in the form of Rob Delaney and Ellie Kemper, the slapstick booby traps don't pack the same kind of comedic catharsis.  Jo Jo Rabbit's Archie Yates is the little shit-disturber in this one, and he's just as much a pill as Kevin McAllister.  Does he learn any lessons, though?  Hard to say.

 The movie works best up until the stunt gags start happening, surprisingly enough. If it improves upon the original, it's only in the plausibility of the set-up for leaving the child home alone.

The film is stacked with comedic players though asking very little of them comedically (did Andy Daly or Chris Parnell have more than a line of dialogue each?) I'm sure somewhere there's an unnecessary 2 hour cut with a lot of off-script riffing, but mercifully they trimmed this down to a fairly brisk 90 minutes. Maybe let's see some outtakes though?

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One more BizHallmarkie, then we'll put this perhaps ill-advised post to bed.

Open By Christmas is, by Hallmark standards, a good looking movie.  There's some noticeably good set decoration, and wardrobe department kind of hit it out of the park.  But the story...oh, that main story just made me sad, sad, sad.

The central story, finds Alison Sweeney's Nicky discovering a heretofore unseen romantic Christmas card from her high school days, and actively seeking out the anonymous sender with a little flutter of hope that maybe there's a bit of love still there to be had.  There is no resolution to this storyline that would make me happy, and the one we get is damn near worst case scenario.  Her approaching random people she went to school with to try and suss out whether it was they who had feelings for her is so cringe...and not cringe comedy, just cringe. Smacks of desperation.  High School was 28 years ago, Nicky, let it go (sorry..ahem...22 years ago because Nicky is only 38...sure). Don't look for love in the past... that's kind of the worst thing you can do.

What works in this film is the friendship between Sweeney and Erica Durance...unlike most of these BizHallmarkies where the "best friend" is cast aside the moment a man enters the picture, here the real relationship of the piece is their friendship. (You can make a drinking game for this one out of how often they tell each other "I love you").  But Durance's Simone encouraging Nicky to pursue this mystery, and not out of fun but out of some potential for romance...? You"re being a bad friend Simone. And Nicky's Mom...? Not you too. Bad friend! Bad mom!

Simone has her own B-plot which revolves around her depression over her son leaving home... in 3 years! ... and other stuff, like her future mother-in-law visiting and the mystery surprise her boyfriend has cooked up for her (but he's not even hinting at a surprise so it just seems like he's neglecting her). It was a more satisfying storyline, at least in comparison.

The romantic interest for Nicky is a real dud, and it's obvious in their very first scene together that the film is setting him up as him being the card sender.  It's all a little sketchy how it plays out.  This real estate guy with a dull sense of humour and no real personality to speak of just kind of latches onto her and drags her around, and at one point, mansplains her behavior to her... I really don't see the attraction between them except two lonely people in their mid-to-late 40's pretending they're in their late 30's and acting like they're still awkward high school nerds.  Nicky is now a big NYC something-or-other, and seems to have forged a her own path in life, but she's hung up on her high school experience...and we can only intuit that she's been single for years, and this obviously has left her with very low expectations. It's kind of sad in the script for this, we don't really get to know Nicky for who she is today, only for her high school traumas and baggage....so hey, maybe Nicky is a real dud too?

This one features the most cosiest living room set I've seen on TV this side of the Fireplace Channel.  It's got low ceiling and wood panelling and a real wood burning fireplace, natural light and it's just really comfy with full on Christmassy-vibe (the wife tells me the furniture was too large and crowding the room, but don't harsh my decor buzz, babe).  I also liked the ample amount of drinking in this one.  As I said, Hallmark is in it to win it this year, and I just enjoyed clocking how often people were reaching for wine and such.  So much more natural, and realistic than hanging out with hot chocolate.

Again, you can tell Hallmark is trying to do something decidedly different this year, and this one finds the A-plot and B-plot sharing almost equal amount of time, effectively making Sweeney and Durance co-leads (despite what the poster may be showing).  I wish they had focused more on Nicky's character development, on having her work through her past trauma and let go. I wish the dude hadn't been "the dude" and that she either never did find out who wrote the card or if she did it was someone who wasn't right for her, but that there was a dude who was.  I dunno, it could have played out so much better.  I get what they were going for but it really didn't work.  And the ending's double kiss pull-out... ew.