A Toast To HallmarKent: Christmas Sail

Back in 2019, Toast and I decided to wade into the tricky, painful, harrowing realm of viewing and reviewing the Hallmark/Lifetime/generic-style holiday/Christmas rom-coms in a series and formula structure we call "A Toast To HallmarKent".  At the same time we decided to do a 24-day, daily "Advent Calendar" countdown to Christmas each December (where we're not just limited to those kind of movies, as dominant as obscenely dominant as they are).

The very first "A Toast To..." and "Advent Calendar" entry was a movie called I'm Not Ready For Christmas. I only bring it up because, well, this year Hallmark started airing NEW Christmas movies in their "Countdown To Christmas" run on October 24!?! and, seriously folks, I am not ready for Christmas movies.  But they're already flooding out, so time to dig in, I guess, starting with:

Christmas Sail - 2021, d.  - Hallmark

The Draw:

Katee Sackoff, Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, stars in (and executive produces) this tale that has something to do with Christmas and sailing, I suppose.  My guess was that we never see our cast in a boat that is actually sailing out on the water... I was wrong

On top of Sackoff, playing her father in the movie is none other than Lost's Locke himself, Terry O'Quinn! I guess this is what getting older is, actors who performed some of your favourite characters start showing up in typically terrible TV movies.  Sigh.

The Formulae:
Sackoff is Liz, is maybe a Seattle-based hotel manager (or maybe an interior decorator...it's not clear) who doesn't want to go back home for Christmas.  Apparently her home had a fire and her and her daughter are living in the hotel right now, but she would rather be at the hotel than with her Dad for Christmas.

Luke, her childhood BFF, is a real momma's boy, so much so that nobody stacks up to his momma, and so he's single...and apparently the most eligible bachelor in Portside.  Everywhere he turns, old people want to set him up with their daughters. Besides having his own local contracting firm (which is only made clear late in the movie), he does deliveries for his mom's flower shop, and has time to play chess at lunch with Liz's dad, Dennis.  Luke sucks at chess, he thinks the Rook is the best piece (I didn't bother to check the chess board to see if Dennis actually had checkmate on Luke). He asks Dennis if he'll check in on his mom setting up the stall at the Christmas Market, which Dennis does, where he has to perform a daring act of bravery and heroism (see The Rewind below) which injures him somehow and causes Liz to have to begrudgingly come home and take care of him.

Liz and Hannah turn up by boat into Portside (I guess it's an island?) and is greeted by Luke, who she "compliments" by saying he "looks healthy".  We all know what that's code for, and yeah, if Luke is a snack, he's hot wings and a Big Gulp.  Wounded but playfully, he returns the compliment.  Hannah asks precociously if she "looks healthy", and everyone laughs.  Liz introduces Hannah to Luke, but this doesn't make sense.  Luke hangs out with Hannah's grandpa every day, Liz says it's only been 4 years since they were last there (and Hannah is at least 10), plus it's a small, SMALL town. Luke should have met Hannah already (But it's explained later why there was distance between them...even still....)

Is there a spark of attraction? Not in the slightest.

When they get to Dennis' house, Dennis has a sprained wrist. Liz, you felt you *had* to come home because your Dad sprained his wrist? Absurdity, but then, this happens in Hallmarkies a lot.  "We'll only stay until you're back on your feet," Liz says.  "Gon' be a pretty short visit, then" Dennis replies.  Dennis notes that he doesn't make a big deal about Christmas.  ("I don't mix with all that nonsense."), and then they get into an argument about the boat, which Liz thought he'd sold but didn't, although he neglected to tell her the bank was repossessing house (which she only finds out because of a display she sees in the town realtor's window later)   Then Mrs. Benson shows up at Dennis' place to spread her ample cheer.  Are Mrs. Benson and Dennis boning? ("We happen to look out for each other" Joyce says).

Everyone keeps bugging Luke about who he's going to take to the Winter Ball (why are they not called Snow Balls?), but he's clearly excited by the fact that Liz is around. There's some back story as to why Luke is gunshy about going to the ball each year that we find out when the time is right.

Dennis explains to Hannah that he gave up working to take care of her Grandma when she got sick and never found his way back.  He's also packed away everything about his wife since her passing (and stored it on the boat apparently), and has been so miserable Liz doesn't want to be around him, having not spent Christmas with him in  4 years.

 Liz talks to the bank and finds out he has until the end of the month to pay back moneys owed before foreclosure. "I can't come up with this amount of money on short notice," Liz says (except they've only said twice already that the insurance money for her house fire is coming due this week.  Convenient, but wait!)

CHRISTMAS MARKET! HOT COCOA! TREE LIGHTING CEREMONY! Dennis and Liz hanging out, catching up.  Tertiary characters making knowing nods and insinuations.  Then in a very tense and dramatic moment, Liz decides to sign up for the Parade of Lights which now has a 25,000 prize,will come in handy to pay off her dad's debts...especially when her fire insurance money gets delayed!  There it is.

Liz tries to enlist Luke's help in her big plans for her entry in the Parade of Lights, but Luke keeps shooting her down.  It's too much work... he's got a job already... there's not enough time... plus he just doesn't want to.  Luke, man, if you're interested you jump at the chance to help a lady out.  Jeez.  They have a very playful friendship, but there's no romantic or sexual chemistry at all.  But that said Dennis and Joyce... they're smoldering with intensity. Luke eventually acquiesces and helps out with the boat, cue the montage! Jazzy deck the halls.

Luke asks Liz to the Snow Ball, and, wow, Liz's blue dress... Luke is definitely not dressed to her level and he knows it (as they dance he says "I hope you're not expecting anything too fancy." No Luke, we know you're not fancy.)  Luke confesses his love for her and they kiss (the lead into the kiss is nice, but the kiss looks...terrible... perhaps that's why Liz immediately starts being a wet blanket talking about only being in Portside for a few days.  Luke asks her to stay, and she rebuts with "Would you do it? Would you uproot your life and leave Portside?"  Luke, jeesus buddy, what do you really have going on... just helping your Mom out?  You're a contractor, you can do that anywhere.  Cut the cord buddy.  (This film really needed to play into his Mamma's boy angle more than it did).  And just like that the possible romance is dead.  Because, "the complication".  But this is handled like REAL complication, two people with real lives in different places.  It's a lot to work out.  Luke's mom, though, she tells him what's what (basically, she doesn't need him, she wants him to have a family of his own).

But this film is more about the rekindling of a father-daughter relationship, and those moments are so much brighter than whatever Luke and Liz's deal is.

So at the Parade of Lights, Luke has a special surprise for Liz, and, honestly, it's really damn sweet.  There's another bad-looking kiss and then three more minutes to fill with a decent coda.

Unformulae:
The film opens with a flashback to Portside, Washington(?) 1990.  Hallmarkies don't normally open with flashbacks, and it's apparent because this runs about 90 seconds and it's too much too soon.  Topping off the fact that I'm not ready for the cheap, cheap cheap cheap synthetic orchestra holiday music, I'm also not ready for this deluge of information, like the introduction of bakeshop owner Mrs. Benson, or the fact that the two kids Luke and Liz aren't related, or just how bad the actor playing 1990 Terry O'Quinn is.  He's got all the acting chops of a football player hosting SNL, with all the style of a mid-90's golfer.  This sets up that Liz wants to "win the parade", whatever that means, as well as note that, I guess Luke is Liz's best friend, not her brother.  (Later, Liz explains to her daughter, using a display at the hotel, that there's a boat parade where the boats sail by the pier and get voted on who has the best light display...this better be good Hallmark!)

When people drink in this movie, there's actually slurping sounds.  There's actually liquid in those cups.  That's against formulae. 

Turns out that it was actually Joyce's manipulation that brought Liz to Portside.  Joyce overemphasized how much help Dennis actually needed (physically, not financially or emotionally) as an excuse to get these two together, (and clearly Liz wanted to come home because she wasn't surprised or upset to find her dad with just a sprained wrist).  The help Dennis really needed was with his broken heart, his broken Christmas spirit, and with his severe financial situation.

Surprisingly, this film actually builds out the relationship and history and tension and trauma and awkwardness and feelings quite well, between Liz and Luke, sure but particularly between Liz and her dad.  The way the characters express their emotions, stumble over their words, talk over each other, in an almost naturalistic way.  The story is fairly conventional, but the script searches for some genuine emotional honesty, and the actors, not being the usual Hallmark stable, don't seem to realize they can sleepwalk through this and actually throw some real effort into these scenes.

While the set-up plays out like the typical resolution -- will be the Big City Girl uproots her life for love in her small hometown? -- that's mercifully not Liz.  She's not leaving behind what she has.  In this one it's Luke who eventually figures that if he wants to be with someone like Liz, he's going to need to put in the effort.

A Christmas Boat Parade is definitely different for these movies. I mean I've never even really seen a tour of Christmas lights tour in any Hallmarkie, nevermind a moving tour.  And Liz's boat is actually the best of them, by far, (even though we only really see two others and they're hella lame).  The special surprise Luke does is really quite touching (yeah, I got a little misty), which is often a failure in Hallmarkies...they don't stick the sentimentality, it often is too saccharine or too cute.  This was perfect.  Too bad their kissing is such a dispassionate display of lips smashing together.

True Calling?
Is there a sail? Yes.
Is it Christmas? Yes.
Is the titular sail a verb or a noun? Unknown.
But is the sail (whether verb or noun) important to this Christmas? Only slightly.
What's a better title? How about, oh, I dunno, Parade of Lights?

The Rewind:
Ten minutes in I had to rewind back to the beginning because I didn't understand the flashback and the relationships of the people in it...  once I understood that I had to rewind for the GAWDawful acting of the dad in that flashback scene, as well as the absolute laziness in the costume department in trying to elicit a '90's feel from that flashback.

A scant 4 minutes later, Luke is in Mrs. Benson's bake shop delivering flowers and getting coffee when a couple try and set Luke up with their niece. Actor Patrick Sabongui, who plays Luke delivers his response directly to Joyce (aka Mrs. Benson) and not to the woman talking to him, then at the last minute isn't sure where he should direct his attention.  Clearly they were one-taking this movie. "Good enough" yells the director, "moving on!" 

But the best, and most hearty laugh, that I've had at a Hallmarkie in a while is the moment where a little girl crosses the "caution tape line" to get a closer look at just a very plain, undecorated pine tree leaning up against the side of a bar. "Wow" she says, probably delivering the best acting in the whole film, actually selling that a little girl would be impressed with a bare, 10-foot tree.  But the tree starts to jostle, ol' man Dennis yells "hey kid, look out!" and then tackles the kid to the ground, just as the tree doesn't just fall over but seems to jump out at them.  It's absurdly funny.  I can see a low budg Xmas horror in "Attack of the Killer Christmas Trees"

 

OH MY GOD, their family name is the "Darlings". 

Luke notes the family boat is in "rough shape" and likely unsailable and unrepairable.  It's just covered in tarps and baskets and nets.  Getting it into shape means removing tarps and baskets and nets.  Cue the montage of removing tarps and baskets and nets!

Liz draws up designs for her show of lights on the boat and shows them to Luke.  Luke has all these elaborate comments, but it looks more like Hannah drew the pictures and there's no creative light design from what I can see on the tablet. There's a second shot of the "design" and it's again just as basic.

Liz's mom may have been the best at designing light shows for boats, but she was the worst scrapbooker.

The Regulars:
None. This is an all-different Hallmark cast with some legitimate acting happening.   Katee gets into the spirit of it all pretty quickly and there's maybe a bit too much smiling, giggling and cheer.  She's such a delight though.  We're so used to seeing Katee in staunch sci-fi that seeing her smile so much and wearinh everyday clothes in normal settings is, well, a little weird.

How does it Hallmark?
Okay, I'm as surprised as anyone, but...top tier. I wish that Katee and Patrick had more romantic chemistry (they needed to be flirtier, more touching and hugging, and better kissing) but Sackoff and O'Quinn had great familial chemistry, which really made the film.

I liked how this one balanced both the parental drama with the romantic drama more evenly, as opposed to the usual 80-20 split.

How does it movie?
It's still a Hallmarkie, even if it's a better one.  It needed to dispense with the seasonal cliches that Hallmarkies have to have and really lean into the comedy of a mamma's boy, as well as, you know, inject a little bit of sexuality into the mix in order to be more of a "real" movie. I mean, seriously, Liz and Luke, after that dance, should have been in Luke's boat-bed, post-sex, talking about the fact that they have lives in different places and that a relationship wouldn't work and Liz getting up to leave.  I guess that's more of a Netflix thing.