3 Short Paragraphs: Six Underground.

2019, Michael Bay (The Rock) -- Netflix

6 Underground premieres in a few hours and we would like to once again apologize that the movie is not a Sneaker Pimps biopic...

But feeling pretty confident you're gonna like what @VancityReynolds and Michael Bay have made for you

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 12, 2019

Yes, that was my first thought. And no that does not count as the first paragraph. This does. OK, technically the next does.

I am not a Bay Fan. But strangely enough, a fan of many Bay Movies. I have to admit, he does have style. And who wouldn't think, that when combined with Ryan Reynolds personality, there could be a little bit of over the top magic? Well, based on Reynold's promotion of the movie via social media, I sure did. His statement of it being the most baytastic Michael Bay movie of all times, and his counting of the number of the baysplosions, just sold it to me. Of course, we have to expect a bit of fourth-wall breaking or meta commentary from Reynolds, as he may have inadvertently type-cast himself (as himself) via Deadpool. Alas...

Reynolds plays <Insert Technology Billionaire>  man who becomes disillusioned with the world and decides to do something about it. Fund climate change? Feed the starving? Fuel research into world saving technologies? Nope, he decides to fake his death and recruit a bunch of <insert character card> cliche SMEs to help him take down definitively Evil (Big E) Bad Guys, of which there number Six. Six Bad Guys vs Six Good Guys. Cuz that makes sense.

The movie focuses on Bad Guy Number One, a despotic leader of a desert-y X-istan country. What follows are a bunch of highly Bay choreographed action pieces funded by Reynolds, who has a loose, badly put together plan that relies on... luck? First all, I get some of his hires, as they are worldly spies or hitmen, but why a doctor? Sure, have your Secret Base stocked full of doctors but bringing her along on missions full of guns and guns and guns and baysplosions? But it's Bay-tastic and doesn't have to make sense. So, then why... is... it... so... boring. I literally began following asleep as we jumped from one Baysplosive scene to the next, one Reynolds quip to the next, one super-saturated beautiful set-piece to the next. In the end, they kill one (ONE!) main Evil Bad Guy, so I assume he is hoping for a franchise? Not sure I will be there...

And they didn't even use the song...