T&K's XMas (2022) Advent Calendar Day 14 - A Christmas to Remember

2016, David Weaver (Lights, Camera, Christmas!) -- Amazon

The Draw: Mira Sorvino, and I wanted to harken back to a time before I believe the irony-watching was happening, before the streaming services were trying to cash in on the ironic-not-ironic watching, before the Hallmark Bingo games, etc. When Hallmarkies were sincerely, as in I mean unironically, lacking? In other words, without going too deeply into the analysis (I am just not ready to fully sink into thinking about that), when Hallmarkies were just what they were: cheaply done, schmaltzy, trope-laden, generally badly acted and directed, and yet, were entirely fine with that. None of this elevated, trying to be real movies of late.

HERstory: In first presentation, Jennifer Wade (Mira Sorvino, The Replacement Killer) is the Marilyn Dennis of her network, a rather overwrought lifestyle TV show host freaking out about the colour of her shirt, the styling of the tree and the perfect presentation for her Xmas special. While I was also aghast at someone tripping and dropping the Xmas turkey, that roast beast was by no means a perfect presentation turkey, so it didn't dawn on me that she was supposed to be a "TV chef" ala Martha Stewart, but... whatever.

Anywayz, her show has a chance at "going national" (aren't they always) but the stress is getting to her so she needs to get away for Xmas. No New Yorky typical party to party Xmas, just some time away for herself. Her manager/friend Paula (Brenda Crichlow, Christmas at the Chateau) offers her a chalet in ... Aspen (I don't recall, but somewhere ... rural wintry) with a spa nearby. Jennifer makes the mistake of saying no to the 4x4 rental and her sporty little car veers off the road in a blizzard. She crawls back up to the road, and is almost hit by vet John (Cameron Mathison, General Hospital), who was returning from a nearby stable visit, where he proved how kind he was by accepting a pie, instead of money. Jennifer climbs into the cab of John's truck, and sits on the pie.

No one thinks that she crashed. No one makes note of where they found her, nor looks for the disturbed snow off the side of the road. No one checks out the car, to collect her belongings, or maybe ID and a coat? Nope, John just sits on a pie and drives her home to his... well, his fucking mansion in the mountains. I forgot how opulence was such a part of a certain era of Hallmarkies. Everyone is so fucking rich! His house, with a driveway he seems to refuse to plow, is massive and that kitchen!!! 

Anywayz, the blizzard is coming down hard, and they barely get home before everything is snowed in. John the Vet patches her boo boo up and she sleeps off the head injury, because everyone knows that is what you are supposed to do. The next morning Jennifer reveals she has no idea who she is, where she was going, and how she got to standing in the middle of the road, before being seated on a pie. John will have the single doctor come over, along with her husband the Sheriff, once the storm calms down. Of note, Jennifer, who they name Maggie (don't recall why), opens the door seeking escape from the opulence, and the snow is piled shoulder height. Its supposed to be comical, but it is not a snow drift, but boulders of snow piled up high, as if someone had blockaded his door with dead snowmen. Dude, clear your walk -- the doctor is coming!

So, her head injury is not bad, but her memory may take some time to come back. So Maggie will now just spend some time hanging out with John and his three kids, while the Sheriff posts up "do you know this lady" posters, cuz that's how Sheriff identify people with amnesia, and NOBODY has any idea where her car might be because John doesn't tell anyone that he was coming back from a certain stable on a certain road, at a certain bend in the road. 

Back in New Yorky, Paula is calling Jennifer but getting no answers.

Oh, I should mention, John had a disastrous date in an obvious high end resto (might be a homey PST, but all the restos are super high end looking) with an old high school friend, and she tries to feed him tofu. All good men from mountainous PSTs eat red meat and burgers and dagwood style sandwiches! But we have a rival for Maggie's potential affections!

John's kids love Maggie, not just because she can cook (John only makes Beef Stroganoff) but because everything has been lacking since the Dead Mom situation. So, with Maggie around, and her Martha Stewart / Marilyn Dennis lifestyle vibe, she and the kids decorate the house providing all the Xmas Spirit a family of five could need !

Paula is still calling.

Despite the should high snow balls, despite the road blocking blizzard, despite the Sherriff and wife arriving on snowmobile, by pretty much the second day, John and Maggie are in town, seeing the terrible, un-useful "do you know this woman?" posters, aggravating the potential rival and learning about each other. Maggie has a "I like mittens" scene which made me snort in memory of Parts: The Clonus Story. Google it.

John still hasn't plowed his driveway, because manly men with manly 4x4s don't need to.

Oh, there is a winter dance event fair something coming up, and Maggie needs a dress! Dead Mom's parents provide her with the perfect green dress. Attentive people will remember Jennifer Wade hates green, but Maggie seems fine with it. At the dance, Paula and Jennifer's BF (BF !?!?! I thought he was just background network exec guy; Steve Bacic, Andromeda) show up, because Romantic Rival has finally recognized Jennifer/Maggie and called them, but hasn't told anyone, because of some intricately detailed plan to ... reveal during the dance and win John's affections? Who knows, Romantic Rival seems nice and all, but  a tofu eating woman's (shudder) gotta do what a tofu eating woman's gotta do! Deputy Whoever has also finally found Jennifer's car, and her ID, proving that Paul and Network Exec/BF are not nefarious kidnappers, and Jennifer really is who they say she is, which is confirmed by instant memory return, so not sure of point of his reveal. Maggie is confirmed as Jennifer and whisked off to the chalet/spa she was supposed to be at all along. 

But she doesn't want to be there, dumps Network Exec/BF and runs back to kiss John and hug her instant family.

The Formulae: Dead Mom ! John's wife passed away not so long ago leaving John with his three kids, and a little lost amidst his massive fortune. PST ! The town of ... oh, I just didn't pay attention, but it was probably in Colorado or Oregon which are the typical states for wintry mountains. Oh, and the Big City was New York(y) with an incredible stock footage opening scene! There is an Xmas Dance of sorts, where everything comes to a climax. There is baking, as Maggie uses muscle memory to show everyone how good she is. And despite being a career driven Big City Gal, once presented with her instant family, Jennifer choses to move back to PST, Colorado and shoot her show from there. But this is weird, as despite being Classic Hallmarkie, I am struggling to remember the tropes that stood out to me.

Unformulae: Meanwhile, the green dress is still ticking me off. 

True Calling? Christmas to REMEMBER; a pun! Get it? Snort. No not really, more like a weak groan.

The Rewind: Yeah, that second turkey after The Great Turkey Disaster that starts the movie, is not done. So much for being TV Chef.

The Regulars: Sorvino no, but male lead Mathison was in a ton of Hallmarkies before and AFTER this one. He did seem to be doing it rather effortlessly but I blame the lack of chemistry between the two on Sorvino; she just acts out of place in the movie, and not from the plot. Crichlow is also in quite a few.  Kevin McNulty, who played incidental character Dan (didn't really see the point of the character, other than to have John have another male to talk to about Maggie) is one of those stable Canadian faces I mentioned in other posts, always just a bit more solid than the stable of Hallmarkie standard actors. Speaking of incidental characters + Canadian face, during a dance scene, I saw an older actor dancing with Maggie in the background of the dance segment, and he is just one of those Canadian faces that you see everywhere, but cannot name, so much in this instance he is not in the credits. I need to create an IMDB List of such Canadian actors.

How does it Hallmark? What grading system can we use for this, as we inundate ourselves more and more with the Hallmarkies? Sometimes a movie just has so many tropes piled one atop another, its obvious, but that's not always the case. Maybe Low Effort? Derisively, you might say "low effort" is the (cough) hallmark of these movies, and if so, this is a shining example. Most of the characters are phoned home, especially Sorvino's. McNulty, while solid, seemed to be there only for the stroganoff, which he can be seen eating leftovers even after the plot of the movie has left this dish behind. The romance needs to be solid, and the chemistry on fire; it's not. At one point, I wondered if the only reason John began to have feelings for Maggie is because there was a woman in his house. So, I guess I am coming to a roundabout way of saying, "No." Despite being an early example from what I envision The Prime Years of Hallmark, this is one is not a success.

How does it movie? Gawds no, which might become my standard response.

How Does It Snow? This one is weird. There is obviously large amounts of snow used for scenes, as they couldn't get away when depicting a mountain town just after a blizzard. But, even so, everything was pretty much magically cleared by the time we were doing key "walk around" scenes. I am thinking that likely most of the realistic snow shots are stock footage, while any rest, they shipped some in from a local skating rink?