A Toast To HallmarKent: A Kiss Before Christmas

2021, d. Jeff Beesley

Trigger Warning: this is a movie about an entitled white guy who wines and complains that he doesn't have as much as other entitled white guys... but in the end he learns that being a nice entitled white guy can also mean failing upward. 

The Draw:  This movie was promoted as a reunion of Teri Hatcher and James Denton.  I assume it's a reunion of Desperate Housewives castmates, though I'm literally not bothering to look it up.  Hey, it's better than a reunion of Hatcher and #notmysuperman Dean Cain, obvs.

But that said, as a good comic book nerd of the 90's I watched avidly Lois & Clark and obviously as a hormonal teenage boy, I lurved Teri Hatcher.  But 25+ years later, would I really watch a Hallmark just because of a lapsed boyhood crush?  

Not really. 

I noticed when drafting my list of Hallmark movies (and the like) to watch this year that there were no less than two former Lois Lanes participating in Hallmark movies this year... Hatcher, and Smallville's Erica Durance (who co-starred in Open By Christmas, and double-duty stars in a Lifetime a little later this year).  So that's why...because there's two former Lois Lanes and I'm watching them both (I passed on the former Supergirl Hallmark this year, though).  I wonder when Superman and Lois' Bitsy Tulloch will be doing her first Hallmark?

HIStory:

Establishing shot: I want to guess Chicago? (update, yeah it's Chicago)

Caption: Christmas Eve, 20 years ago.

Cut to front lobby, where nice-guy Ethan (a barely-noticeable digitally de-aged James Denton) and his dick boss Sean are having a walk-and-talk through the front lobby of the office to the elevators, and he's being asked to "get comfortable" with not-quite-bribing city officials for preferred treatment in development contracts...or something like that.  But he's not comfortable. He skips taking the elevator with Sean and just stands there with a stunned face waiting for another elevator, unaware that one has come.  Meanwhile, there's a charity Santa in the background ringing his bell, non-stop, because that's not annoying.  

Joyce (a digitally de-aged Teri Hatcher entering shocking uncanny valley territory, which I first thought was horrendous plastic surgery) rushes through to catch the open elevator and leans out to ask Ethan if he's coming.  Cut to creepy Santa leer.  Like serious serial killer vibes.

Ethan enters the elevator. Sliding doors (ahem).

Smash cut to spacious but busy home kitchen, 20 years later (with great fake product placement like "Honey Nut CEREAL" and "Ring CEREAL"). Ethan and Joyce (Teri, looking normal, thank gob, and, yeah still great by the way) are rushing to get their day going, and their late-teen-age kids out the door.  There's talk about some office Christmas party, and that their football kid is now into baking, and the daughter needs help with something soccer something but Ethan's too busy, oh and someone's applying to college (it's Joyce who wants to go back to school to finish her legal degree).  Moments later we learn Joyce's car keeps breaking down, and that  money is tight, and we learn Ethan hasn't gotten a VP promotion after multiple applications. After 20 years, he still has the same carrot-dangling dick boss, Sean (Rod Wilson), and the firm's President(? Owner? Both?) Rona (Marilu Henner) is kind of condescending towards Ethan and the work he does (but later turns out she's really a nice lady which makes this introductory moment very confusing).  Oh, and that same creepy Santa's hanging around, only he's outside this time.

His dick boss' development deal is falling apart and he asks Ethan to help push a woman out of her 3-generations-owned newsstand, event though it is against his ethics, but he really wants a promotion for more money so there's supposedly less stress in his life.  Joyce is not onboard.  White, entitled, middle-class guy complains about not having enough in life. Oh and Rona noticed that something was up between Sean and Ethan (without directly saying it, the film implies much of Sean's success has been on the back of Ethan's excellent project management skills).

At the train station, on the way to screw over the newsstand woman, Ethan is approached by *that* creepy Santa.  For some reason Ethan unloads his troubles on him and in the process wishes that 20 years ago he had taken that elevator with Sean, the unscrupulous, bribery-laden road that Sean wanted him on, and worked his way up the ladder Sean's way.  

So Santa makes it so.

Ethan falls asleep and wakes up not immediately realising that things have changed, except that he can't find Joyce in his phone (and I guess he doesn't know her number).  He now has Rona's driver, because she retired and the firm is in his name he's the new boss (co-owner and president apparently)  It's also December 1, not Christmas day, so it's both an alternate reality AND time travel.

He gets to the office and he's immediately confronted with tough-ass lawyer/not-his-wife Joyce, who is protecting the community center his firm is threatening to tear down.  As Ethan discovers his new life, with really nice suits, a Ferrari in his driveway, his wine-of-the-month subscription, his nice-but-impersonal corner office and his gorgeous-but-impersonal home (all the material goods he ever wanted) he starts to realise that he no longer has his wife, nor his adopted children in this life.  But his initial take-away is that being a nice guy was getting in the way of the life he thinks he wanted.
 

Santa pops up in his home out of nowhere and tells him that he's taking the wrong lesson, and that he has until Christmas to figure out why he's in this alternate reality and what he's supposed to learn, otherwise he's going to be stuck here, and forget everything about his other life...his wife, family and 20 years of self-doubting misery.

In order to figure out what he needs to do, Ethan is given advice to talk to the person he trusts the most.  In his old life, that was Joyce, but she hates him in this life, so he starts trying to woo her with her favourite flower (Poinsettias are more of a plant though, Hallmark) and hot chocolate...all delivered in excess.

He knows where she'll be on the first Friday night in December so he makes a plan to confront her at the tree lighting ceremony (which is definitely not shot in Chicago)...it evolves into the most innocuous, and therefore maybe the best ever "Christmas tree shopping" sequence I think has ever been in a Hallmark, because it's not, at all, about Christmas tree shopping.  In fact, until Joyce picks out a tree, I wasn't even aware that it was a Christmas tree shopping scene.  Subtle, and it ends with a pretty solid joke too.

Ethan manages to talk his way into alt-Joyce's (ew, no...that doesn't work...DoppleJoyce...yes) home but when he tries to tell her what happened to him, about his other life, she throws him out...but then she chases him down and he drops some info that he shouldn't possibly know.  They have a really logical conversation about how absurd it all is, DoppleJoyce (and the script) questioning all the right things.  (Good job script!)

A tour of the community center with DoppleJoyce and he runs into his dopplekids (they were fostered by a different family in this life) which he tells DoppleJoyce about.  It has an impact on both of them.

He starts using his newfound power and position to bring his good-guy determinism to the company and property development, impressing DoppleJoyce along the way.  But also DoppleJoyce, delving into her legal crusaderism, really impresses upon Ethan just how much Joyce's career in his real life would have done good.

After a really cheesy TV interview, Ethan has a bit of a spell, his memories of his old life starting to slip, and malevolent Santa appears, acting all creepy.  At a fundraiser for the center, business partner Sean starts working his evil magic by convincing people not to contribute too much and attempting to drive a wedge in between Ethan and Joyce, but they see through it almost immediately (wtf? Really? That never happens...good on you again script!)

In the end, it all works out, the money is raised, but Ethan's memories of his old life have all but disappeared.  He asks Joyce out and she's mortified.  He's forgotten about his wonderful other life and she is the one who urgently reminds him of the wonderful life he did have. Dismayed, Ethan emotionally breaks down, learning that he doesn't care about the money, or the job or all the stuff that comes with it...without his family it doesn't matter. "I want my family, I want to be a good man for them." Santa shows up and give Ethan his wish, and DoppleJoyce gives him a sweet - not romantic - kiss before Christmas. End movie... 

No...wait...

Ethan wakes up back in the train station...maybe a dream...but a dream 24 days long?  He rushes back to the Christmas party, tells Sean he's a total asshole (well, approximate) and Sean barks back, but Rona overhears and *finally* decides to fire his ass (on Christmas!) offering Ethan one of the now two open VP jobs.  Yay for entitled white guys failing upward!

Ethan goes home, embraces his family like we hadn't seen him do previously and gives his wife the most loving and romantic kiss, and promises to be more attentive and supportive and to enrich their lives with his presence, not his presents.  Or something.  Fin.

The Formulae:

Colour me shocked.  Literally shocked.  Beyond a few rudimentary things... the stock footage establish shot of the skyline (this one actually has multiple different establishing shots of Chicago strewn throughout), the cotton batting snow, and a few under-punctuated references to hot chocolate, poinsettias and, again, that utterly innocuous Christmas tree shopping scene, this film kind of side steps most of the tropes.

I guess there is a few Hallmark tropes - evil developer wants to raze a beloved building.  The whole stalker-Santa granting wishes/Christmas magic.    Oh, and Christmas deadlines are one of the biggest Hallmark staples.

If anything it leans more into the waking up in an alternate life, but still doesn't fall prey to the sillier or stupider tropes of that.  It wisely questions everything that is happening at every turn and still makes it work for both Joyce and Ethan's characters to wind up where they wind up in the movie.  They sell the emotionality of it all.

Unformulae: 
It's actually kind of a "reverse Scrooged" where a nice guy becomes a not so nice guy but learns to be a nice guy again and appreciate what he had in life.  It's not even really a Christmas romance, which these Hallmarkies always need to shoehorn in somehow, and it doesn't really even do that... but that just makes it more romantic in a way.

The film actively dodges the formulae.  There's the potential for a decorating montage, or a cookie baking montage and it just skips right past them to the finished product, if even that.   I'm still dumbfounded about the Christmas tree shopping scene that isn't a Christmas tree shopping scene.

Even for the "alternate life" kind of story, this one still manages to do everything right, rather than just lean into the story cliches.  It questions what's going on, it actively provides answers to questions you might have in your head... like if the fundraiser only needs one million dollars why couldn't Ethan, with all his newfound riches, just donate a million dollars.  Late in the film it's Rona who saves the day with a two million dollar donation and Ethan says "Oh, right! I totally forgot I have money!" Hilarious and accurate.

I love how Ethan is both shocked by the alternate reality but also embraces it.  I guess when you slide into an alternate version of yourself who is uber-rich it's hard to really be too upset, what with the gorgeous suits, the beautiful home (that bathroom, migawd!), the Ferrari.  Yeah, he may be on the clock to figure out how he gets back home, but damnit if he isn't going to enjoy it on the way.

I like the film's use of forgetting his family, I only wish they'd played that card more than twice though.  It seemed rather abrupt when he completely lost his memory at the Christmas Eve party.

Honestly though, there's like nearly Leftovers level of thinking put behind this movie to give its characters a natural feel and relationship to the fantastical.

Ethan's alternate reality house, his Ferrari, his suits.  They put some goddamn money into this one, and it looks it.

True Calling? 

Okay, this title is stupid.
I was all set to proclaim that the title was a spoiler alert, that the way that Ethan gets back home is for DoppleJoyce to kiss him before Christmas, but it's got nothing to do with that, and the kiss before Christmas from DoppleJoyce is so appropriately sweet (I was like, if he makes out with an alternate version of his wife that's still kind of cheating, but it didn't happen).  The "Kiss Before Christmas" was so inconsequential.

They should have called it "A Wrinkle in Christmastime".

The Rewind:
There are photographs and framed magazines on the wall of alt-Ethan's office where we see him with Bill Clinton, George W Bush, Barak Obama, and Kareem Abdul Jabbar.  I wonder if these were actual pictures James Denton has. They don't look photoshop (from what little I could see of them).

The youth center is a single floor but very modern/new looking complex from the establishing shot so it's hard to believe it's in as dire condition as they make it out to be.

At one point Ethan is eating a Christmas cookie from a plate.  He breaks the cookie in half, and takes a bite of one half which he then puts back on the plate, still holding on to the unbitten half.  In these times of COVID, you can't just do that man.

 

The Regulars:
Directory Beesly has done 8 Hallmarkies in the past 3 years, including one of Kent's top 5 - The Christmas Club. He also did the non-Christmas Hallmark "Love Strikes Twice" which plays in the same alternate-reality do-over space.

Shockingly this is Teri Hatcher's first Hallmark.  James Denton did the military-bait romance Hallmarkie "For Love and Honor" in 2016. And, oh, he played Superman in the direct-to-video animated adaptation of Grant Morrison's All-Star Superman.  So we did have both a Lois and Clark in this afterall.

Marilu Henner made her Hallmark debut (maybe, not doing a ton of research here) in last year's first Hanukkah effort Love, Lights, Hanukkah! 

Creepy Santa is played by John B. Lowe who has been in about a dozen (or more, I didn't count) of these things, including this year's clear Kent favourite Crashing Through The Snow.

How does it Hallmark?
Honestly, it's not very Hallmarkie at all, which instantly makes it one of the better Hallmarks.  I actually enjoyed it tremendously.  The commercials pitched it as a bog-standard Hallmarkie so I was overwhelmingly surprised and delighted by how... entertained I was in a completely unironic way.  It's good.  Probably even better than Christmas Sail.

How does it movie? 

You know what, it's really like a legit TV movie.  Like, put it on ABC or CBC or something.  It's not a movie movie, but it's definitely a TV movie.  Denton puts in a wonderfully versatile performance with a plethora of nice little touches, and the familiarity that he has with Hatcher makes the movie just hum.  The kids are not great actors, but also not in it much, and Sean is easily the best dick boss I've seen in a Hallmark.   A real surprise thumbs up from Kent!

Even the poster is kind of good for a Hallmark.