2020, Oz Rodriguez (AP Bio) -- Netflix
Vampires vs the Bronx starts off really strong, as a barely veiled metaphor for white gentrification into a still predominantly non-white Bronx, NYC. Steeped in dozens and dozens of in-jokes and references to other vampire pop culture its first act is non-stop chuckles, but with a great heart to it, about Miguel trying to save his local bodega, one where he basically grew up, from being gentrified like the rest of the neighbourhood. But, the gentrifiers are more than just white people with money and a desire to open specialized coffee shops and nut milk bars, as we see in a cameo by Zoe Saldana, as her established nail bar is gleefully sold, only to have her ravaged by a fang-face.
Miguel and his friends, while wandering all over, postering the neighbourhood promoting a block party with the end goal of raising money so Tony (The Kid Mero) doesn't have to sell, begin noticing something else is happening. If only Miguel had been more steeped in vampire pop culture, he may have caught the fact that Mr. Polidori's business logo is Vlad the impaler, a rather tongue-in-fang reference. Meanwhile his buddy Luis (or Puerto Rican Harry Potter *guffaw*) is reading Salem's Lot and schools Miguel in Blade, once Miguel witnesses a suck-head chowing down on a local gangbanger while floating in the air ala Lost Boys and confirms that there are indeed vampires in the Bronx.
The first two acts, intro and planning (with the expected montage scenes) are grand, funny and endearing. But then suddenly, they have to actually have to fight the vampires, and the clever movie turns into one of the forgettable episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The be-goth'd vampire minions, who looked more like an aging Depeche Mode, are dispatched with (admittedly rather classic) ease until they have to confront the nest leader, she who wishes she had been in Underworld. It all just sums up and ends far too quickly, even dropping some of the possible plot points that could have pointed us at sequels. Tres cute, but that ending just ended up leaving me flat.
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