UPCOMING Feature Announcement: A Toast to Hallmarkent

Hey gang (all 12 of you), if you were paying attention to this post, I've got it in my head to start writing reviews of Hallmark Channel original movies.  They've been cranking these things out heavily for the past 20 years or so, and each year it seems like they only step up production (but not production values).

Other networks and streaming services have also gotten into the game, and I'll probably have a look at those too.  I know there are Canadian originals out there (not certain who is producing them, I haven't researched that yet) and Netflix is definitely in the game, as is Oprah on her OWN network.  They're all of a type, which is cheaply made, quickly filmed, and relatively benign in the the sexuality department (in Hallmark's case, most of these films end in a single kiss that seems to signify resignation more than infatuation).

Toast and I are starting the Xmas Advent Calendar this weekend, which is 24 Christmas movies (or TV shows/specials) counting down to Christmas.  These aren't exclusively Hallmark-type films, and I still don't know whether Toast is even into these cheeseball things, but there will be some in the mix.  I can't help it, I watch them, almost uncontrollably.

These films are, by and large, terrible.  They're awful, often faux-sentimental and treacly, churned out to such a degree that there's a spit shine, but no real polish on those boots.  They're about as genuine as the snow they use (which is usually meters of cotton batting rolled out everywhere).  And while the Christmas ones are by far the most popular of these offerings (even if they're not very realistic, they do effectively start evoking the flavour of the season) they produce these things year round.  There's New Years ones, Valentines, 4th of July one, and ones that center around generic Winter, Spring (maybe even Easter-specific), Summer, and Autumn.  There's no shortage of them, and they're on all the damn time (they even started having "Christmas In July" marathons).

But in all that awfulness is a formula, a familiar rhythm, and a whole slew of tropes they always return to.  After watching a few of these things the formula reveals itself, and even if you don't connect with the characters or the story, you start to invest in that formula and revel in the minute little diversions from film to film.  They become quite fun in their own, peculiar way.  In the same way we sometimes fall in love with awful genre movies or cheesy syndicated TV shows (*cough*Toast*cough*), we can actually love these things.  Every now and again one of them comes together that's actually enjoyable in its own right, and not just something you're watching (and drinking to) ironically.

We love our genre programming here at "Toast and Kent Sometimes Disagree" and I think of these as definitely genre programming, just they're they're own genre, they're the Hallmark genre.  And so it won't just be for the XMas Advent Calendar, but going forward, as much as I feel like writing about them.

In order to write about them, though, I need structure.  I can't approach these things with cerebral intentions, because they're not cerebral movies.  They're designed to not make you think.  The stakes are always so low (or so absurd) that there's never even the question "what would I do in that situation"?  They're dull, often ridiculous fantasies, played so earnestly, you can't talk about them like they're real films.  So structure is needed to compare and contrast.

Each entry in "A Toast to Hallmarkent" will be sectioned as follows:

The Draw: or, "why did I watch this?"  What was it about this particular Hallmark/HMknockoff that made me want to watch the film.  For me it's going to be mostly "ooh, X actor or Y actress is in it", such as the upcoming Hallmark movies starring Elizabeth Mitchell (from Lost) or Kristin Chenoweth (from awesomeness).  Often these will be because of how the write-up seems to break the mold of the Hallmark template (but usually they fall right back into the mold).  Sometimes it may just be curiosity or recommendation or because of the Deck The Hallmark podcast.

The Formulae: in which we provide a description of the movie via its formulaicness.  There's a few variants of the same formulae at play in these things, we'll tell you all about the film via the formulae.

Unformulae: This is where the film breaks the formula, where it surprises and where it sets itself apart from its kin.

True Calling?:  or, does the title represent the film? Like, At.All?  So often these films have really generic, forgettable titles that often are bad puns or twist of phrases that don't have anything to do with the film.  Maybe here we will present a better title?


The Rewind:  Almost every one of these has that "must see it again" moment, a moment where you hit rewind on the PVR and maybe even pause the scene to reveal something bizarre or gross or just goofy...this can just be a screencap maybe.  Like this horrifying image from Angel of Christmas (2015).

The Regulars: where we point out those familiar Hallmark faces and where we may have seen them before.  You can read IMDB on your own for more in-depth info, but we may develop favourite supporting actors and whatnot in this section (or not)

How does it Hallmark? Here we will ask how does it fare as a Hallmark movie? Better, worse, average, that sort of thing.  Probably even more pressing a question for the Hallmark clones.  I may have to go back and do The Princess Switch which Netflix dropped last year.  It's better than most every Hallmark movies but it's definitely in the genre.

How does it movie? And here we will ask how it fares a real movie?  In almost every instance it's going to be hot garbage compared to real cinematic offerings, but every now and again we may find a gem that was sold as part of the Hallmark genre but is actually a real, honest to gosh movie.  Like, this year Netflix lumped Let It Snow in with their knockoff fare, but it's a real, great movie.  The Princess Switch while being better than most Hallmark movies, is still "of the genre" and is too cheap-like to stack up against real films.

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Is there anything else you think we should cover?  Like how drunk was I when watching this?  Or any new tropes to add to the Hallmark drinking game?

I hope you have fun with these reviews (and I hope Toast will contribute a few).  Should be a breezy, boozy good time.