Tuesday, December 31, 2013

3 Short Paragraphs: R.I.P.D.

2013, Robert Schwentke (Red, The Time Traveller's Wife) -- download

This movie has no right to be as terrible as it is. It comes out as a blatant rip-off of Men in Black as if it was the worst in the series. Both were adapted from comics but where the former captured the feel of the illustrated series, the latter just took the premise and ran willy nilly with it. Adaptation Decay is the trope we are applying here. And yet, look at it.  Look at it!! Look at the money and production values applied to it! What right did they have to shovel so much money into the maw of such a steaming pile of crap? Do they still make movies doomed to fail because of some sort of twisted insurance loophole that make the producers money?!? This is where all my fantasy scenarios of how movie producers do their jobs fail. I just don't get it.

So, here is the Men in Black re-tread plot. A cop gets dragged into a law enforcement agency of a type he never even knew existed, this time being divine, post-death based. Yes, he is policing the dead. Dead cops sometimes stay undead cops, sent back to Earth to capture other undead folks who have escaped the afterlife. These deados hide in bodies that look like real people until they are challenged. Curry powder has something to do with the challenge. Then they become big, bloated CGI monsters that have to be shot by laser, I mean, divine bullets. They can be either captured but its more fun to blow them into ether. Ryan Reynolds is the smart mouthed young cop being introduced to the Rest in Peace Dept and Jeff Bridges is the seasoned veteran, a cowboy lawman with a drawl, a hat and a case of the sensitives. Together they must chase McGuffins in order to stop the deados from doing something bad.

Actually, Jeff Bridges is kind of fun as Roy the cowboy who hasn't really gotten over his death. In this buddy cop movie, he is both Murtaugh and Riggs as he is a loose cannon as well as too old for this shit. Nick (Reynolds) is just a shithead. For some reason, when returned to Earth they appear in bodies not whatsoever like their own nor suited to law enforcement -- Roy is a blonde porn star and Nick is an old Chinese guy, racial stereotype intended. And also for no good reason, deados are actually visible to the average person when they are forced to reveal their real shape. And no one has ever noticed this before this plot shoves it into the limelight. Any myth mirth that could come from the idea of working for Heaven is ignored. Except for some banter between the two, there is no reason to even rent, download or read about this movie. There, I did it for you. You can thank me now.