Kung-fu Quarters: Four HBO (Asia) Originals

Master of the White Crane Fist: Wong Yan-Lam (2019, d. Guo Jianyong - HBO/Crave)
Master of the Nine Dragon Fist: Wong Ching-Ho (2019, d. Si Xiaodong - HBO/Crave)
Master of the Drunken Fist: Beggar So (2016, d. Guo Jianyong - HBO/Crave)
Master of the Shadowless Kick: Wong Kei-Ying (2016, d. Guo Jianyong - HBO/Crave)

[I am by no means an expert, nor a connoisseur when it comes to kung-fu, wuxia or Chinese martial arts history, so please excuse me any ignorance I may have to the titular characters of these films or the historical contexts they might find themselves in. ] 

On all the streaming services I am subscribed to I have a watchlist. They're never well-curated, usually just a dumping ground for anything that seemed to have an interesting description, or maybe I had heard about on a podcast, or maybe stars or is directed by someone I kind of like. If it was *really* something I wanted to watch, I would have watched it already and taken it off the list.

On Crave -- a Canadian streaming service with its own original content, as well as curated new release and older movies, and, with the extended package, all of HBO's content -- I discovered these four films. I think Crave had a little Jackie Chan kick for a month or two and these came up in the "More Like This" section.

Given their titles, they all seemed of a piece, perhaps even a connected series, which seemed intriguing enough, so I added them to "My Cravings" and saved them for a later day.  In the frequent perusing of my various watchlists when looking for something to watch, I've passed these over dozens upon dozens of times, sometimes even wondering why they are on there.

With seemingly nothing but time this past week (not true, but seemingly) I started chipping away at "My Cravings". Master of the White Crane Fist was the first of this quartet to be chosen for no other reason than it was the shortest and it was late.

I can't really express why this very middling TV movie spurred me on to watch another, which was of even lesser quality, which then spurred me on to watch another, and by that point I might as well just finish them off. 

I'm not really lying when I say these feel like the kung-fu version of Hallmark movies. They've got some budget but corners are definitely cut in the production values category. The lighting is often natural and oversaturated giving the image an amateurish feel, while the sets can range from decently immersive to obviously anachronistic.  If they were all shot on a studio backlot in China somewhere I wouldn't be surprised, as everything seems so crisp and new, unweathered and not lived in.  One exterior setting in Master of the Nine Dragon Fist reminded me of a Disneyworld main drag.

These films are not really connected in any way, save for the fact that three of the four were directed by the same man, Guo Jianyong, which explains the samey-samey vibe of them, not to mention the speed-up/slow-mo/speed-up pseudo-Zack Snyder technique they use constantly that just makes my teeth itch. But I cannot solely blame Guo because, woof, those scripts all needed at least two more passes before they were ready to shoot.

From my limited experience with historical kung-fu of the Shaw Bros. classics and the like, these seem like they're trying to pay homage to them in terms of both story structure and kung-fu spectacle. But these films make two critical errors. First is they are each too self-serious, they play too far into the melodrama and not far enough into the sense of camp and visceral violent fun. Second, they are using digital cameras instead of film, and there's a surreal grittiness to film that is absolutely lost with the crisp brightness of digital high-definition. These films needed a filter or even a digital pass to mute the brightness. They feel largely sterile.

While I compare them to the rote, predictable Hallmark movies, I also need not remind the loyal Disagreeables (that's you, dear reader) that we have a thing for Hallmark movies over here. We're not snobs.  And in the same way that one can find value in the differences between one Hallmarkie and the next, I too could see the differing redeemable qualities in these HBO Asia/China Movie Channel productions.

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Master of the White Crane Fist: Wong Yan-lam wound up being my favourite of the four, largely because its opening half quickly won me over. It starts with a gang of bandits taking over a tea house theatre, cutting then to a troupe of guards walking their heavily manacled prisoner in the rain, only to arrive at said tea house. The tension becomes thick as the bandits have to play nice to the very suspicious head guard. And then enter Wong Yan-lam, a travelling prognosticator who appears seemingly out of nowhere and gleefully starts engaging the very confused room. Everyone seems to have their own agenda and this quite Poirot-esque mystery builds up exceptionally well for a good forty minutes before it all deflates unsatisfying like a  balloon in a thresher. 

The second half fumbles around trying to concoct reasons for people to fight in between melodramatic exposition. The fight coordination is not bad at all (which can be said for all of the films) but it's not always shot the best nor does the fighting always feel cohesive to the story or character. I mean you think for a film called "Master of the White Crane Fist" that it would spend some time setting up how awesome the "white crane fist" technique is and then showcase said technique, at least in defeating the main villain. But no, the big climax of the film decends into a no-holds barred street-style brawl, which, I have to say, is a pretty fresh thing to do in a kung-fu movie.  All the actors present are particularly good, but the lead actor playing Wong Yan-lam is super charming, and the lead villain actor has the most wonderfully nasty charisma (the credits were too small to read and there's no listings for performers on IMDB or Letterboxd).

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With only a couple exceptions, which I will most definitely get to, the performers in Master of the Nine Dragon Fist: Wong Ching-Ho are also extremely charming. Master Wong himself is the standout but strangely Master Ho is almost the secondary character of this film, as it follows for a long time Man Sing, a Northerner who has come to Guangzhou with his family to find work at on of the city's many kung-fu schools, only to be ostracized for being a Northerner.  The inner-country prejudices are just as prevalent in this film as are the anti-western, anti-opiate sentiments that frame the story.  Man Sing, master of the Iron Shield skill, protects his family from assault by rioting rival schools, but is left desperate without money, food or lodging, and has nowhere to turn but the unscrupulous western opiate trader Mr. James.

Mr. James, in collusion with the local authorities, sets Man Sing out in the streets to challenge all the school masters to a kung-fu duel, to prove who is the most talented in the city.  The intent is to undermine Master Wong's attempts to organize the schools into an anti-opioid patrol, as well as his opiate addiction recovery clinic. While everyone agreed that Master Wong is the most talented, Man Sing surely can give him a run for his money. But Mr. James stacks the deck against him by having his pregnant wife targeted by street thugs, and later has Master Wong arrested for opioid possession (I think he was treating opiate addiction in a methadone kind of way) during which one of the city guard ruthlessly punches his pregnant wife in the gut killing her and the baby...in broad daylight...in front of dozens of witnesses... with no repercussions. ACAB, man. ACAB.

There's a lot of injustice heaped upon poor Master Wong, and for him to triumph in the end means that our poor, deceived, ostracized Northern master Man Sing must lose, and it's so unintentionally soul crushing... I have to wonder if the filmmaker is sort of an anti-Northerner bigot himself, or if it's just careless scripting?

One of the most bizarre aspects of the film is opiate trader Mr. James. He's played by a white performer who is not much of an actor at all. He spends almost all of his time in the film comically looking out a second story window with a spyglass. When he's not doing that, he's stroking his beard menacingly. Or half-grin smirking, menacingly. The performer has no idea what to do with his hands or his face. He's also completely dubbed, both in English and Cantonese (I think...I looked it up and Cantonese, not Mandarin is the traditional language of Guangzhou) by a Chinese performer. The English dialogue is almost unintelligible, while Mr. James's Cantonese (?) voice is hilariously nasal and mumbly. (I think they're further taking the piss out of him). Mr. James is a hilarious cartoon white devil villain and serves as the butt of a very anti Western message... which I have no problem with.

The absurdity of Mr. James elevates this film to nearly "so bad it's good" territory, but its crimes towards Man Sing (including his unbelievably shrill nagging wife) and fridgeing Master Wong's wife really bring the mood down something fierce.

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My experience with other drunken fists/masters/boxing in film and TV it it has always had a tremendously playful aspect to it, but beyond the initial encounter between "Master of the Drunken Fist" So Chan (as written in the movie description but written as Su Can within the film's subtitles) and Lau Pak-Gwai taking place under a very tall dining table there's not a lot of fun to be had in the technique here. Master of the Drunken Fist:Beggar So is an overly self-serious movie that follows Su Can's journey from brash and cocky military scholar, poised to be the next great commander, only to have a sudden and immediate downfall into poverty, mostly as a part of the convoluted machinations from the eunuch Song Fok-Hoi.

Now, Song Fok-Hoi is actually a pretty tremendous cartoon villain, and I wish this film could embrace the campiness the actor brings to the role by matching it everywhere else, but it seems to think it's doing some important historical storytelling...on a Hallmark budget.

It's also a script that can't decide what's more important: Su Can's overplayed redemption story or Song Fok-Hoi's overwrought ambition to, what, stop a rebellion attempting to depose the Dowager Empress as she's wielding too much control over her Emperor child...or something. I really couldn't follow the politics at play here and its storytelling suffers greatly for how much it entangles itself in Fok-Hoi's plans, especially in the climax which reveals schemes within schemes within schemes. Unnecessary.

That all said there are some likeable performances from all the main leads, but it's really a shame that Lau-Pak Gwai is not in the film more, he abruptly departs at the halfway point. I assumed he was off to have a showdown with his old nemesis Fok-Hoi, but, upon review, it seems he just turned tail and ran into the woods. Unheroic.

This story really needed to use The Mask of Zorro as a template, investing more into the mentorship and romance (oh boy the romance between Su Can and Yoke-Long is all over the place tonally -- including an abruptly started and just as abruptly cut away sex scene -- as is Yoke-Long's characterization).

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The final film, Master of the Shadowless Kick: Wong Kei-Ying, doesn't even have the good graces of good performances. Our lead playing Wong Kei-Ying is a dry, charmless performer who may yield sympathy but not much else.

Wong Kei-ying is legendary Wong Fei-hung's father, and little Fei-hung does appear in the film. It was only after the film that I reminded myself who Wong Fei-hung is (Once Upon a Time In China, Iron Monkey, Drunken Master) and suddenly it made sense as to why the film was so focused upon us hearing his squeaky little voice calling out for his father all the damn time, and then the film ends with a post-script mentioning Wong Fei-hungs impending greatness (it really undercuts Wong Kei-ying's importance as the lead of the film, it really, really does). 

The story of Fei-hung's dad, starts out pretty rough but builds in intrigue through its first half with a intricately woven plot that finds Fei-hung's dad embroiled in helping a government official take on an opium gang, only to later learn that said official has kidnapped his master and deceived him into handing him full control over Guangzhou's drug trade.

Like Master of the White Crane Fist, the film's second half is unable to sustain this intrigue the first half establishes, as once Fei-hung's dad discovers General Wei is no hero, he's unable to hide any moves against the General, and ultimately winds up hooked on opium in an ill-advised cinematic side quest. Eventually, Fei-hung's dad must rescue his child (Fei-hung if you didn't know!), sister-in-law and other friends he's made along the way from the General in a tournament of death, which is mostly entertaining if it didn't feel so out of place and unlikely to resolve the far bigger societal problems at hand in the film.

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While Wong Kei-Ying and Wong Ching-Ho both explore China's problematic history with opium and government corruption, it's not really the common thread for all. There could be revenge plots in each of these films, but revenge never ultimately seems to be the motivating factor for the heroes in question, there's always got to be some nobler goal. But in robbing these characters of their revenge fantasies (which these films do repeatedly) the catharses of the films are all pretty much negligible. I didn't find any of the endings very satisfying.

These films, running between 86 and 98 minutes, still feel too long by at least 20 minutes. They should be far tighter, and again, much more fun to watch.

If I had to watch any of them a second time, it would be Master of the Nine Dragon Fist just for being sheer bonkers, yet, I don't think I can really recommend any of these when I know there are far better kung fu and wuxia products out there that deserve eyeballs much more than these.  

Watching: Doctor Who S1 (???)

2024, Disney

Season One. What? Not even 2005 Doctor Who has the conceit of rebranding itself as Season One. But Disney bought streaming rights for anything "new" and that has caused all sorts of weird fuckery. 

What 100.  A new Doctor, introduced to us in a weird, David Tenant guest-appearing, Xmas Special, and a brand new companion, Ruby Sunday (Millie Gibson, Coronation Street), an adopted orphan with a mysterious past linked directly to The Doctor (Ncuti Gatwa, Masters of the Air). This is a Doctor for our age: much more sexual, black (sad this is groundbreaking), extremely colourful, and oh so emotional. The anti-woke whingers will hate him, but fuck em. Russel T Davies returns to give us back the Willy Wonka, welcome to my factory, wonderment of companion-ing with The Doctor, but also with his requisite, dark, underlying story that ties directly to Ruby.

1 - Great. The dynamic between Ruby and The Doctor. Its a romp across space and time. But not without its dangers. She immediately falls for The Doctor, but not in a romantic way, just in a "we can be best buds forever" kind of way, which is how it should be. 

Also, when The Doctor is talking to the intergalactic bounty hunter Rogue (Jonathan Groff, Mindhunter), "Did you get your name from Dungeons & Dragons?!?!?"

Also, the requisite Davies standalone episode "73 Yards", wherein Ruby crosses over a fairy ring in Wales and ends up losing The Doctor, stalked by an old woman pointing at her, which derails her life almost entirely, and ends up saving the world from "the worst Prime Minister in History" (no not, Boris Johnson). She lives her entire life through to its end, only to return to Wales and cause a paradox so we can have our show. I am sure this will come back to bite her on the bum.

And a cute bum it... Shaddup you.

Also, Goblins on a flying boat and a song & dance number -- sadly, the only one for the season.

2 - Good. The season long arc, which combines The Mystery Behind Ruby Sunday and a legacy Big Bad from Old Doctor Who -- Sutekh, the Egyptian God of the Dead. As is the tradition, it causes The End of the World, but only temporarily as a pissed off Doctor can undo just about anything. I am generally not jazzed for how Davies ends up his long running story arcs, as he is almost always anti-climactic, I did like the chicken & egg aspect of why Ruby was so important, so important that any time she came close to finding out who she actually was, it caused snow out of time to fall. And only because a Dumb Death God thought it was important. Turns out Ruby was just a normal girl with a normal mom, and a normal dad, who just happens to get mixed up with The Doctor, which makes her important from almost the first day of her life.

1 - Bad. Despite the fans lauding a drag queen playing Big Bad Maestro (Jinkx Monsoon), I just found the whole episode tiresome. Maestro is connected to the other (legacy) Big Bad from the Xmas Special, The ToyMaker (Neil Patrick Harris, Doogie Hauser MD), and both are supposed to be all powerful godlike beings with specific agendas. Sure sure, The Beatles show up. Sure sure, its all over the top melodrama -- classic Doctor Who. Yawn.

Also, its Ruby's only season. Booooooo.

Boooooo !!!

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): IF

2024, John Krasinski (The Hollars) -- download

I am never one to be bothered by spoilers, to avoid trailers or clips or whatnot. I usually say its because by the time the movie comes along, I will have forgotten anything, but really its just because I cannot be bothered to make any effort to hide myself away. Also, I am on a really big trailer kick right now, and I might go so far as to say I am watching more trailers than I am movies. That is probably because there is less I actually want to see, once having seen the trailer. Anywayz, this movie was served up a great disservice by its trailer, in that I realized a third of the way through the movie, "Wait, they don't expect you to know <the reveal> all along?" Yes, there is something depicted in the movie in the movie that would have been more enjoyable if you had gone in cold, and not expected it.

Side note, from grumpy face here -- Ryan Reynold's so obviously dyed hair and beard are a stark difference from all other images I see of him. This movie did not want him depicted as his actual age. That bugged me.

12 year old Bea (Cailey Fleming, The Walking Dead) moves in with her grandmother (Fiona Shaw, Andor), while her Dad (John Krasinski, The Office) awaits open heart surgery. Through flashbacks we see that Bea lost her mother earlier to Cancer, and Dad has done his best to make sure Bea is good through all this latest challenge, focusing on stories and play, something the family cherished. Bea is reserved but mature acting, a strangely agreeable child. Most kids in movies like this are always pushing up against boundaries in difficult situations, but Bea is more concerned with her Dad feeling better than her own feelings.

And then Bea sees a walking, talking anthropomorphic, anachronistic black & white cartoon. She is accompanied by a an adult man, also dressed rather anachronistically. Bea follows them to a house where the man climbs through a window, and returns with a big, furry, purple monster named Blue. Bea faints. When she wakes, she is in the man's apartment, along with the B&W cartoon Blossom (kind of a butterfly girl; Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Solo: A Star Wars Story), and Blue (Steve Carell, Welcome to Marwen), and she learns that they are Imaginary Friends, and the man is Cal (Ryan Reynolds, Red Notice), a rather fastidious man who is focused on helping forgotten IF's either find new children. Since their now grown children have forgotten them, they will eventually just ... fade away.

So Bea gets it in her mind that she will help Cal find new children for these IFs. Cal shows her to the secret world of IFs where we meet a ton and a half of the very weird, very different ways kids had IFs. Bea is accepting and fits in easily. She gets a dance number. Which is kind of weird unto itself. Why doesn't she freak out? Why is their no commentary on her IF ? Why does she fit so easily into this magical world? I mean, yes, we are shown that because of her Mom & Dad, she lived a very magical life filled with wonder and imagination, but ... still.

Eventually Bea starts realizing its not so much about letting the IFs reconnect with their grown children, or even find new children, but to rekindle that tie they had, that aspect of memory that reminds adults of what was important to them when they were kids, and how the IF was more than a friend, but also a source of strength in tough times. Bea shows them how to revitalize that energy, that glow.

There are a few things going on in the movie. She spends much of the movie running around NYC unattended, but for Cal and his IFs. We don't question it. Nobody seems to question it. Bea is obviously running away from her problems, but its towards such a gleeful, magical world that we don't blame her. And Cal, sure he can see IFs which connects him to childhood more than most, but what else do we know about him? Nothing. Meanwhile, Dad sits in his hospital bed keeping a brave face for Bea, and her in turn keeping a brave face for him. And Cal, who I guess is entirely ineffectual in his plans to find places for his IF friends (dept of redundancy dept), is just dragged along by Bea's enthusiasm.

All this avoidance is to avoid the (!!!) SPOILER (!!!) which wasn't a spoiler for me -- Cal is not a man, he is an IF, and Bea's IF who she has let slip away. Since the trailers made that very obvious, I was confused for much of the movie that we were all playing like we didn't know, and in the not knowing (i.e. Cal is a real man) I was left confused. Kind of creepy, in fact. 

Yes, you are kind of creepy.

For me despite the imaginative depiction of the IFs and all their Special Guest Voices (Lou Gossett Jr, Emily Blunt, George Clooney, Bill Hader, Christopher Meloni, etc.), the movie didn't quite work. Its pretty much a standard-fare Netflix Ryan Reynolds movie, without being from Netflix.  Krasinski had the seed of an idea, and while he nailed the sentimentality, the wonderment, while incredibly well done as vignettes, ended up just tacked on.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Trigger Warning

2024, Mouly Surya (Marlena the Murderer in Four Acts) -- Netflix

Surya came out with her last movie in 2017, Marlena the Murderer in Four Acts, right into the pandemic. She had been approached by Netflix right around the time that movie premiered at Cannes. But, of course, the production got delayed. But even before that, I guess Netflix was doing the thing where they find a director whose visual cues they like and offered them American money to do something (more accessible) for them? Is it even Hollywood? Am I saying that sometimes the purple suit business is not all bad business? But is it? Is it all about cost effectiveness? Lack of expectation? More control over a foreign body unfamiliar with the industry in this part of the world? Probably, but I still believe they saw something in her movies, and in her, and that the act of making a movie in North America prepares a director for something invaluable they can use going forward. Even if every day on set was guided by purple values, she still got to do it.

And despite the panning, I didn't find the movie all that bad. The usual comparisons to John Wick and even Rambo are confusing; lazy. If I was to do any comparisons, it would be to Reacher, in that a skilled military agent gets mixed up in small town corruption, with an added dose of revenge for fun. I mean, the dialogue was ... lacking, and gladly they skipped the quipping, but it many ways it was more a mood piece between Surya and Jessica Alba. I honestly think the two women worked well with the uninspired material given to them, which is a shame, but again, purple meddling wants easily done products, not constant reshoots and script tweaking.

Parker (Jessica Alba, Dark Angel) survives a mission in Syria, along with her friend Spider (Tone Bell, Whitney). What does she do? Doesn't matter, its just enough to know she is a military trainer operator with skills. She gets a call from home -- her father has died in an accident, so she returns to Creation, New Mexico. She hasn't been back in a while but her old friends, the now Sheriff Jesse Swann (Mark Webber, Scott Pilgrim vs the World), and stoner Mike (Gabriel Basso, The Night Agent) expect her to take over her father's bar, built in an old mine outbuilding. But she's just back to settle her father's affairs and sell the land.

Until she finds evidence the mine collapse was not natural. There is scoring on the rocks that suggests explosives, like a grenade. She starts poking around and runs afoul of Jesse's brother Elvis (Jake Weary, Animal Kingdom), who turns out is selling military weapons stolen from a local base. Parker calls Spider to use his tech skills to do some digging. Her investigations lead to the bar being burned down, and Parker arrested for the death of one of Elvis's friends.

From there, things just escalate, revealing corruption in all of the Swann family, including her old boyfriend Jesse, and their father Senator Ezekiel Swann (Anthony Michael Hall, The Dead Zone). Spider comes to help and after a requisite amount of violence for these kinds of movies, she gets her revenge.

These movies are never outside their wheelhouse, but Surya is able to give it a certain amount of gravitas, especially when we are alone with Alba. You can see a desire to tell Parker's story from the quiet moments, to further enhance the bursts of well-controlled violence. If this is to be her break into the western film industry, I hope she is able to get back to movies from her heart. While I haven't seen any of her previous films (I have just downloaded Marlena), the descriptions tell me she was not doing the Indonesian equivalent to stock action-thrillers, but... well, things that get Cannes attention.

Still not sure why the movie was called Trigger Warning. In today's parlance its usually associated a slur against sensitive people who need to be warned against content that might trigger an emotional response, but nobody in this movie was sensitive. I suspected that the original script may have made references to Parker being prone to intense violent outbursts, thus her leaving town, thus her line of work, but if so, it was entirely milked out of the movie. She was not "triggered" into investigating her father's murder, just doing what was expected.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga

2024, George Miller (The Witches of Eastwick) -- download

Weird, my headcanon says George only directed The Road Warrior (and Fury Road) but whatever, my headcanon is sometimes stupid.

I am not. Also, WTF dude, download?

I am already on my second viewing of this one, as I have to admit, I started nodding off after Hour One (pt 3). It was all my own fault: a long day of work, a carb take-away, and an overly full tiki drink. So, second viewing already only days later and I am enjoying it.... even more? There are so many, many, and while I won't use the title of the video essays ("Every Frame a Painting"), scenes that stand as beautiful pieces of work on their own.

So, so many scenes a painting? Quit rolling your eyes.

But what kept on going through my head during the watching, and is retained during this one is that this reminds me so much more of Babe: Pig in the City than any other of Miller's works. Its almost fairy tale like in its depiction, as he danced the thin line between recreating the visual cues and imageries that made Fury Road so distinct, and doing something ... new.

Of note, I made this mistake of listening to a less that favourable review podcast (Maximum Film!) and it has left me thinking. Was what they said warranted? Is it diminishing what I felt about the movie, especially now that I have finished second watching? errr... watching 1.5 ?

I liked the movie, maybe even a tempered love. And I also know that deep down in my heart, I will love it more with repeated viewings. The thing I can say is that it did not want to be Fury Road and in that it succeeded. Where the previous movie was fraught with silences, this one was overwhelmed by the constant monologuing of Dementus. If this is but one of the Mad Max movies of the "new era" then it may be less than lauded, as Beyond Thunderdome was, but it still stands up as such a spectacle.

So, prequel. The story of how Furiosa came to be.

She's a wee thing (Alyla Browne, Sting) in the Place of Abundance: food, water, horses, even electricity -- you can see solar panels on the roof of buildings in the background. Her horse is taken down by raiders from the Wasteland and before she can finish disabling their bikes, she is taken. But not before she can alert her home, her mother.

Don't forget to mention that the other girl with Furiosa is Valkyrie, who ends up being one of the Mothers. Is she the final inspiration for Furiosa to betray Immortan Joe?

The first chase, as these movies are naught but chases scenes strung together by plot and need. Two women, one is Furiosa's mother. She traces them back to the camp of Dementus (Chris Hemsworth, Snow White and the Huntsman). This is where we slide back easily into the world building Miller has given us as the raiders yell at each other, "My lips. Dementus's ear. My lips. Dementus!" They may have found a Place of Abundance, but what's more important is carrying this information to their leader, being the first to mention it, to rise in the ranks.

Gawds, Dementus, what's with the Jesus look?

The second chase. Mary Jobassa (or Joe Bassa? Jabassa? Furiosa's mom; Charlee Fraser, Anyone But You) succeeds in rescuing Furiosa but not without injury and loss of the fuel they need to get back to the Greenlands. They are caught, and rather than run to safety as instructed, Furiosa comes back, only to be confronted by the death of her mother, and the first instructional of life in the Wasteland, by Dementus.

Second Act. Months later? A year? Little D is Dementus's pet, along side The History Man (George Shevtsov, Mystery Road: Origin) wearing his and tattooed with (mostly useless?) facts from the old world. By chance Dementus's horde comes across a warboy (one must wonder why this is the first time; the world of Mad Max doesn't actually seem all that big) who leads  them to The Citadel ("the whata-del?"), home of Immortan Joe (Lachy Hulme, Offspring) and his genetic reject sons, to semi-quote Dementus. This is the first hint of how inflated the ego of Dementus is, as his horde is decimated and unsuccessfully threatening Joe and crew.

Instead, Dementus, who is not entirely stupid, finds his way into Gastown and takes it for himself. He offers the previous deal they had with Joe, in return for Little D and The Organic Mechanic (Angus Sampson, The Lincoln Lawyer). Well, technically Joe takes them as part of the deal. Dementus doesn't have as much leverage as he hopes. That is the repeated truth of Dementus, in that while he feels he is underestimated, he constantly overestimates the effect he has on people. Little D escapes from Joe's clutches almost immediately, hiding among his people as a boy.

Third Act. Years later. Another chase. Furiosa (Anya Taylor-Joy, Morgan) has become a Dogman, the grunt mechanics of The Citadel. But she has a plan and works through it with precision, helping build the legendary (but first) War Rig, something that is already "shiny & chrome", even so far to be adorned with a bas relief of Immortan Joe and his legacy. It is driven by Praetorian Jack (Tom Burke, CB Strike), a survivor of more runs (between the triad of Gastown, the Citadel and Bullet Town) than any other. Based on the actions of these two movies, that could mean surviving more than two runs, but hey, he's legendary, his truck is legendary. Furiosa (secretly) rides with him, and survives an attack by Dementus's crew... actually no, its a breakaway crew belonging to the Octoboss (Goran D Kleut, Wyrmwood Apocalypse), someone who has already seen how Dementus treats those who are loyal to him. Just another example of the slow degradation of Dementus's reign. She is the lone survivor, and Jack offers her a place in his crew, and a promise to help her escape, once a new crew is trained up.

Fourth Act. Some time later, again. New crew, same War Rig. Furiosa is now a Praetorian. A run to the Bullet Farm where another plan is in place. Jack and Furiosa will change things up, her lagging behind in a vehicle packed with two bikes and lots of supplies. While the crew is concerned with filling up the tanks with bullets, they will escape into the wasteland (small W) together, making for the Greenlands. 

Exceeeept, it doesn't as planned. Dementus has already taken the Bullet Farm and wants the War Rig, probably for another Trojan Horse attempt. They do succeed in surviving the attack, so, another chase. They are captured, Jack is killed and Furiosa only survives by gnawing off her own arm... well, not literally but she might as well have. So long Jack, you are gone far too soon. Furiosa returns to The Citadel, minus one arm, but with great resolve. 

Fifth Act. A reckoning. She builds an arm. She instructs the angry, petty, awash with toxic masculinity fools to not pursue Dementus to Gas Town, which is on fire, but to prepare for his attack. We get the "40 Day War", where we see whatever crew Dementus has left cut down, piles of bodies, almost all vehicles destroyed or in need of repair. And Dementus escapes.

There ya go Dementus, ya get yer Jesus thing.

The last chase. Despite an attempt at deception, he is caught and the words just keep on coming out of him, never stopping. He is not regretful, and he has his "freakishly high pain tolerance" but he asks one thing of her, that she "make it Epic." 

She does.

So, there we have it. Mega post for Mega movie. Something I didn't bless the first movie with after only a single cinema viewing. But what did I think? I still strongly believe I loved it, but I still have some issues. The production of Fury Road was said to have been a nightmare, but from the fires of the forge we got perfection. This seems.... rushed? It is tightly paced, but maybe covers too much? He shaved off the bright, saturated colours of Fury Road for crisp, clean scenes but supplemented by CGI far too often, and far too obviously. 

What I really need to do is see it a third time, in cinema. 

Kent's post. We agree, but a tempered agree.

What?!?!? Not even a single reference to Chris Hemsworth and the nose/teeth? Seriously?