Hallmarkie Preview: Chateau Christmas

2020, Michael Robinson (A Shoe Addict's Christmas) -- download 

Apparently post-release, Hallmark has re-branded this one as "Christmas at the Chateau".

The Draw: I have no idea why I downloaded this one, but maybe it was to drawn upon one of the common keywords of Hallmarkies -- "chateau". For reasons unknown (to me), the romance genre loves things to take place in a chateau. But what is a chateau? Explicitly, its a fine manor house owned by French nobility. In modern parlance, in North America, it generally refers to hotels with castle like structures. This movie has none of the above; the chateau is merely a semi-fancy ski resort hotel in / near Boulder. There is nothing castle-like about it.

HERstory: Margot (Merritt Patterson, Ravenswood), a world renowned pianist, is finishing up a big tour when she gets a bad review. In it, it said she was technically accomplished but was playing without heart. She takes it to heart, and when her latest tour venue starts to fall apart, she is given time to come home to spend the holidays with her family. But nobody goes home. They go to Chateau Neuhaus instead, cuz.... I don't why, I guess Rich People Shit? 

Anywayz, meanwhile at the Chateau, Jackson (Luke Macfarlane, Killjoys) is being roped into running the Xmas Concert at the Chateau by his friend Adam (Jesse Hutch, Happiest Season) who is the hotel manager / event planner / concierge ... oh, who knows, I am pretty sure nobody writing these movies ever actually looks up "jobs in a hotel". Anywayz, Adam lost his concert director and ... well, pretty much everyone for the show, so he dumps it on Jackson, who is a music teacher in town, who is angling for a tenured position / chair of the dept job ... oh, who knows. Somehow that qualifies him to be events planner.

FYI, they are all old college buddies, and Margot & Jackson used to have a thing, until she ran away to become famous & successful and we know how well that goes over in Hallmarkies. Success BAD, stay at home being stagnant in job & love life GOOD.

Lobby based bump-into's (really, who just hangs out in the hotel lobby no matter how many "events" they have going on) sets up Jackson and Margot to work together on planning the concert, with her as the headline act. Or closer. Oh, who knows. But one pianist, a show doesn't make, so they have to find other classical musicians. 

Oh, look, there is one practicing at the local music store where Jackson brings his cello to be re-stringed. Oh look, a poster on the wall for some Boulder-famous quartet that both the leads were big fans of. "Hey, are you...." Yes, he is but his quartet broke up years ago because... well, pretty much the same reason Jackson and Margot broke up -- someone wanted to stick to being small & local, while someone wanted the fame & glory & success. And no, he won't play in their Xmas Concert cuz he's grumpy man over 40. Buuuut later they convince him to play if they find his other band mates, minus the dead one. Challenge accepted!

Meanwhile, Jackson and Margot wander around .... outside the hotel doing Xmas conversation things, her coming up with new things to insert into the Xmas Event, which probably would annoy Jackson the planner if he was actually responsible for planning anything. 

Finally Xmas Day comes and they open presents in their hotel room and talk about family stuff and then that night comes up. There has been a minor wrinkle as the asshole reviewer that gave an honest opinion on Margot's heartless playing shows up, but Margot makes a last minute change to the program, playing something inspired by memories of her Dead Dad. Even so, this piano schtuff is so overwrought and full of flourishes, I would never consider it from the heart. No matter, reviewer redeems herself and everyone is pleased and kisses abound, and they all live happily ever after.

The Formulae: An Xmas Event again happening on Xmas Day. I get that the hotel has to do something for people staying there on Xmas Day, but must suck for the staff. There are tree lighting and cookie decorating and walks in pseudo-Xmas Markets -- really, just a bunch of Xmas related schtuff dumped on a table. There is cocoa to be had, and ugly Xmas Sweaters. She is Big City and he is PST and in the end, she dumps her career.... oh wait, no she doesn't quite. But she will do her travelling but come back to Jackson. Also, red dress va va voom!

Unformulae: Boo, not even a PST. Well, there might be one outside the fucking chateau but we never really see it. I mean, other than the music store and a couple of trips, much of the movie takes place in the lobby of the fucking chateau. You can tell I wasn't too pleased. She does not abandon her career but will move back to ... the hotel? Oh, who knows. 

True Calling? Yes, there is Christmas and there is a Chateau.

The Rewind: Nothing really.

The Regulars: Luke is a staple, and holey moley, I am not sure she does anything OTHER than Hallmarkies. Jesse Hutch is also a staple.

How does it Hallmark? This one was on a bunch of Top lists but it just didn't work for me. I mean, both of the leads are of mega Hallmarkie status so they should be selling it, but I found their chemistry weak. I more enjoyed the googley eyes made by the two older supporting cast members, from the quartet-minus-one. Also, I only recently learned Macfarlane is gay, and maybe I am reading too much into that, but maybe he is just not into this whole "straight leading man" role anymore? And while I get that Hallmarkies and castle-like structures is a common element, I just didn't like this "hotel lobby" focus.

How does it movie? Boooooring.

How Does It Snow? Can't say I even paid attention despite their being somewhat of a snowball fight? I mean, they were in a ski resort, so maybe there should have been some ski snow?!?

Go-Go-Godzilla: #9 Son of Godzilla

Japanese Name: Kaijū-tō no Kessen: Gojira no Musuko [Monster Island's Decisive Battle: Godzilla's Son]
Director: Jun Fukuda
Studio: Toho
Year: 1967
Length: 1h26

The Creature's' Story:

Stupid bugs make Godzilla's baby born premature. Godzilla fight bugs. Godzilla kick rocks at bugs. Godzila burn bugs. Godzilla save Godzilla's ugly baby from stupid bugs. But now Godzilla got to care for stupid Godzilla baby? No thanks. Godzilla leave ugly baby to be ugly by baby's self.  Oh, Godzilla can't be bad dad. Godzilla's dad bad dad, abandon Godzilla. Cat in cradle and silver spoon. Godzilla give ugly baby tail ride like good, fun dad.

Fun dad tired. Ugly baby amuse self while fun dad sleep. Ugly baby learn agility or something.

Godzilla awaken to find ugly baby gone? Where ugly baby go? Godzilla find ugly baby playing with stupid humans. Ugly baby must learn stupid humans are stupid. Godzilla drag ugly baby away from stupid humans by tail, like good, fun dad. Different tail ride.

Good dad teach ugly baby how to spit fire. Ugly baby only blow smoke rings. Ugly baby ugly and stupid. Oh, step on ugly baby's tail and ugly baby spit good fire. Good ugly baby. Godzilla good mommdaddy. Godzilla sleep now.

Godzilla awake. Where stupid ugly baby now? Sigh, stupid ugly baby messing around with stupid bugs. Blast bugs, send them flying. What this now? Stupid spider has wrapped up stupid ugly baby in silk. Godzilla remember what this like when Mothra do that. So annoying. Stupid baby learn.  But Godzilla good dad and rescue ugly baby and kill spider dead. No! Stupid spider play dead and spit in Godzilla eye. Godzilla and ugly baby roast spider together. Fun dad back!

Why so cold? Godzilla and baby go sleep now.

The Human Story:
It took me until Ebirah to realize that Toho likes to use the same players over and over in its Godzilla films. The confusing part is they tend to play different characters. Most of the players here are repeat visitors in new roles.

Goro Maki, freelance reporter, airdrops into Sherbet Station, a research facility on Soelgel Island. He's not greeted with the warmest of welcomes, but the alternative to tossing him into the ocean is getting his help...with cooking and cleaning. The station, Goro learns, has a giant mantis stalking the perimeter. Goro also learns the station is building a Weather Dominator (a G.I. Joe term, not a Godzilla one) to control the weather in order to make lands more cultivatable to produce more food for humanity's growing population. But in the wrong hands, it could freeze the planet.

A test of the Weather Dominator goes horribly awry as the radiation trigger doesn't fire, receiving interference from the center of the island.  It sets the island's temperature up past 45 degrees (Celcius) roasting the men of the station, but they manage, especially as the heat does eventually start to drop.

Goro finds a girl, Saeko, the daughter of an archaeologist, who has been living alone on the island for many years since her father died.  Saeko is kind of awesome but also part of the "born sexy yesterday" trope.  Goro also finds a hive of mantis (Kamacuras) who unearth an egg. The Kamacuras crack the egg open and a baby Godzilla is inside. It's real ugly and so helpless. The Kamacuras propose to eat the baby Godzilla (literal lip-smacking from those bugs) but daddymama Godzilla hears its cries and is on the rampage. It wrecks the station.

Godzilla saves his baby, but immediately abandons it. Saeko feeds it until Godzilla has a change of heart and returns, giving the baby a ride on his tail.  Later, Saeko and Goro are out on a "friends date" and they spy baby G, and Saeko believes they're friends, like the Grizzly Man once did with the bears. 

A fever runs through the camp but Saeko knows the cure, but they have to get around Kumonga, a giant spider and go down to the red water where Godzilla sleeps.  It all goes off smoothly and is quite anticlimactic. The men are saved, but after a few days in the cave, the Professor finally concedes defeat on his experiment to Weather Dominate and solve world hunger.

Saeko, gathering food, awakes a Kamacuras, but baby G is there to save the day, except he's blowing smoke rings again. The fight doesn't go well for baby G, and then Kumonga awakens. But so does papa G.  Baby G gets sprayed with silk, an annoying family tradition. The cave is starting to collapse and the Professor says their only hope to get out alive is to Weather Dominate the island and freeze the monsters. Which they do. Hooray?  

The ending with Godzilla and Minilla cuddling up in the snow reminds me of the Sesame Street Christmas Eve special where Big Bird damn near freezes to death on the roof waiting for santa.

Godzilla, Friend or Foe:
Whatever

The Sounds:
Has a theme that sounds like a 60's sitcom, and a lot of 60's swinging, groovy repetitive rhythms and staccato horns.

The Kamacuras make a squelching noise like  a cross between the whistle of a boiling kettle and a baby eagle. When it walks around it makes hissing noises that sounds like blowing up a balloon.

Kumonga makes a "pew pew" sound, but it's less like a laser gun and more like compressed air.

Baby G makes vaguely baby-esque noises that sounds like a doll with a pull-string from the 60's. Only vaguely recognizeable as baby sounds. Like the doll found at the end of Planet of the Apes.

The Message:
Bugs suck. Babies are ugly, but you love them in spite of that I guess. Also, Weather Dominating is hard.

Rating (out of 5 Zs):
Z - this really quite sucks. It's ugly and sloppy (at least once the camera catches a glimpse of outside of the miniature landscape's matte painting backdrop), boring and ruins the mystique of Godzilla even more than Godzilla dancing, or batting rocks around with Rodan. Baby Godzilla ain't no Baby Yoda.  

Go-Go-Godzilla: #8 Ebirah, Horror of the Deep

Japanese Name: Gojira Ebira Mosura Nankai no Dai-kettō, [Godzilla, Ebirah, Mothra: Big Duel in the South Seas]
Director: Jun Fukuda
Studio: Toho
Year: 1966
Length:1h27

The Creature's' Story:

Godzilla was just having lovely nap, when Godzilla gets jolted with lightning. Godzilla hate getting shocked. Godzilla bust out of his rocky joint to find a stupid giant crab causing thunderstorm. 

Godzilla chuck boulder at Ebirah, Ebirah bats it back.  Godzilla chuck boulder at Ebirah, Ebirah bats it back. But it's not as fun as when 'zilla and new BFF Rodan played hackey rock. Crab-thing sucks, and he smells. Godzilla fry crab-thing, send Ebirah into retreat, only Ebirah big faker, pull Godzilla underwater. Stupid Ebirah, Godzilla from the deep.  Godzilla grab big rock and bash Ebirah with it. Crab-thing retreat for real this time.

Later, Godzilla spy a pretty lady. Kong told him about these. Godzilla not sure Godzilla get it.  Will sit and watch pretty lady. Pretty lady boring, Godzilla fall asleep.  A scream. What? BFF Rodan? No, stupid giant turkey vulture. Stupid bird. 'Zilla fry stupid bird. Oh no, more noisy human stupid birds. << Godzilla dance break >>.  Godzilla stomp and fry and swat noisy human stupid birds and stop them from throwing their stupid stinging poop at Godzilla.  Then little human mushroom dwellings start throwing stinging poop at Godzilla. Godzilla stomp their stupid little human mushroom dwellings.

Wait, what is stupid crab doing back here. Stupid smelly crab. 'Zilla teach stupid smelly crab to stay in stupid smelly crab's own lane. Godzilla dining on lobster claws tonight. 

Mothra? Who invite Mothra to Godzilla's seafood feast. Piss off Mothra. Godzilla territorial.  Mothra leave with basket of humans. Godzilla go for swim. Island go boom. Whatever.

The Human Story:
Missing seamen, psychics, yet another reporter, a tenacious brother, a dance marathon, a yacht, a yachtsman with a shotgun, an offscreen heist... all that convoluted plot and we're only 10 minutes in. 

A psychic tells Ryota that his brother, believed lost at sea is still alive. Ryota tries to get the officials to send out another search, he tries to convince the newspapers, to no avail. But a local youth dance contest has a yacht as a prize, but he's too late to join. He makes friends with two of the ousted dancers, Ichino and Nita, who take him to see real yachts, and they sneak aboard one, only to face down the barrel of a shotgun. The supposed owner of the boat lets them sleep the night, but when they wake up, Ryota has taken them out to sea. Turns out the "owner" is a bank robber who has also stolen aboard the boat, Yoshimura (Akira Takarada, playing in his fourth Godzilla film in yet a different role), a bank robber on the run . 

Out at sea, they encounter a storm, which riles Ebirah, a gigantic crustacean who destroys their ship.  They wash ashore on an island (Mothra's home?) manned by an evil Bondian villain's organization (The Red Bamboo) who have kidnapped Infant Islanders (where Mothra's from) to use as manufacturing slaves to make their yellow liquid from loal fruit. It keeps Ebirah away from their ships as they sail.

Our quartet of stowaways happen upon a beautiful islander, Daiyo, on the run from the Red Bamboo, who says that Ryota's brother washed ashore on Infant Island, but the islanders keep getting kidnapped.  Mothra is in a deep sleep and is not heeding their calls for assistance. They hide out from the Red Bamboo in a cave only to spy Godzilla sleeping half buried under a pile of rocks.

They decide they need to find a way off the island, and the only way is through the Red Bamboo. Yoshimura takes the kids and Daiyo into the compound armed with only a lockpick and a machete between them all. They discover the station is a heavy water plant for making atomic bombs. They flee, all escape but Nito is captured and thrown in with the other captured islanders.  Ryota gets tangled in a weather balloon and winds up on Infant Island, reuniting with his brother.   

As the Red Bamboo close in on the thief and the kid and the island lady, Ichino hatches a plan to wake Godzilla and sic him on the bad guys.  Nita hatches a plan with the Infant Islanders to make fake batches of the yellow liquid that wards off Ebirah. Ryota and his brother set to go rescue the Infant Islanders, rousing Ebirah as they cross the ocean. Good thing Godzilla's awake.

Godzilla fights Ebirah and wins. All our good guys meet up. Godzilla fights a giant vulture and wins, and then squadron of Red Bamboo fighter jets before stomping on the Red Bamboo base. The good boys rescue the Infant Islanders while the Red Bamboo mount their escape, taking the fake yellow liquid with them on their vessel.  Godzilla rampages all over their base and Ebirah smooshes the last of the Red Bamboo. The island is set to self-destruct, so the good guys mount their escape, as Godzilla and Ebirah fight in the water to surf music. The Islanders chant for Mothra's help. Mothra awakens, and saves the day.

Godzilla, Friend or Foe:
Godzilla returns back to more beast of instinct, seeing a giant creature and fighting it without hesitation.  But at the same time, if humans are around and not posing a threat, then I guess they're kind of like ants and he just leaves them alone.

So, friend-ish?

The Sounds:
Surf! Lots of surf sounds, from composer Masaru Sato.
Ebirah sound,s quite literally, like nails on a chalkboard, or car brakes whose pads have worn off.

The Message:
Don't play with your food?

Rating (out of 5 Zs): 
ZZZ - this one was all kinds of gonzo, but the plot, for all its far reaches, hung together fairly well. Love an evil nefarious organization. Do we ever see the Red Bamboo again [edit: No]?  A giant lobster may not be the most exciting or exotic looking monster, but it's a really good looking suit. Godzilla's suit is kind of baggy on him. It's like he lost a lot of weight and he's got a lot of loose skin. I don't like the dancing (again), or the playing catch with rocks (again!) but otherwise the fighting here seemed more acrobatic, with some flips and leg sweeps and tumbles. Yeah, just a groovy fun time.

Hallmarkie Preview: Write Before Christmas

2019, Pat Williams (Christmas Bells Are Ringing) -- Amazon

The Draw: One of the avenues I am choosing to  take this year is what I call "the Amazon Rabbit Hole" wherein I choose a movie in Amazon, and then choose the next movie from the "recommended titles"; basically the "if you liked this one, you will also like these". Amazon is terrible at this algorithm, but for Hallmarkies, at least it will be an endless cycle of new choices, until it runs out. 

HERstory: This is more a movie of THEIR stories, as its an ensemble piece about various couples finding love at Xmas time. But the requisite of Hallmarkies is that there are two leads, so we have Jessica Winthrop, who ... what does she do again? Oh yes, she works in a music store but had dreams of being a concert cellist. And we have Luke, the local wedding photographer who works out of ... an Italian restaurant? 

Anywayz, Jessica is all about the Xmas Spirit and is happily photoshopping her latest Xmas Card to include the face of her new-ish beau (25 dates!) which makes him uncomfortable. No pay no mind to that, she's doing her Xmas thing and places the order. And they have a date later that night and her friend/coworker are talking like there's a proposal to be expected. Really 25 dates? Isn't that a few months? But, and of course we all see this coming, bzzzzzzt, she's dumped. He's stuffy and annoying, she's bubbly and charming. They are not meant to be together.

Xmas is ruined. She's gonna skip out on it this year and avoid all the big to-do she usually does. But still, she can't resist buying those new Hallmark papercraft cards (pop-up folding kind, layered 3D cards, etc.) but instead of sending a bunch out to her friends & family from her beau and her, she sends cards to random strangers people who had an impact on her life in the past. Like her music teacher, or the guy in the boyband who helped her get through her parent's death, or her aunt who was always there for her. And her brother the soldier who is stationed... somewhere.

And thus begins the romance journey for a lot of different couples as inspired by the receipt of her cards. Her aunt drops the card as she gets it out of the mailbox prompting Old Guy Walking Dog to retrieve it for her. Old People (yeah yeah, they are only a few years older than me) Love! And her music teacher is not to be found, but her son (Luke) gets the card and comes to find Jessica to thank her for it. Her brother's card is used to woo the other private who doesn't get any Xmas cheer. And the Boy Band Boy, in his massssively tackily decorated house, is inspired by her heartfelt message to reunite with his old Boy Band Band Boys and write a new Xmas Song.

Luke is charmed by Jessica and impressed by her tree decorating skills so ask her to help him find the perfect tree for the orphanage (group home? that phrase sounds more.... juvenile offenders) so they go to the Tree Lot -- but not a date!! She also sees some of his very boring photos but she loves them and the moon shot has him quoting It's a Wonderful Life which is her favourite movie and Dick BF hadn't even seen it, so... she's lassoed ! And they have a charming time together playing Santa and Mrs. Kringle at the orphanage.

Buuuuut we need a complication. He is also being setup with young ladies by his friends, but Bad Date just turns out to be an actor looking for free headshots, which happens at Luke's hockey game, which Jessica sees and misinterprets. That said, there was almost an additional Love Interest as Primo, Luke's.... boss (?) meets Bad Date and they are smitten. But that storyline didn't get played out. Also, Luke sees her talking to Dick BF and misinterprets that they are getting back together. But in case you are worried, all the other couples are coming along quite nicely, especially Old People who are about to begin their couple status by sharing a cute dog. Soldier Brother makes a snowman with Soldier Girl from Florida. Sweet googly eyes abound.

But Luke is not to be deterred. Boy Band Boy has decided to play his new song in the PST where Jessica lives because she inspired the song. And Luke sneaks his way backstage so he can clear up all the misunderstandings and they can kiss for the first time. Well, not exactly the FIRST time, as that was covered in the "let's fuck with the Dick BF" scene earlier in the movie. I actually preferred Fake First Kiss to this one.

And everyone has a lovely Xmas due to Hallmark cards being sent, and terrrrible Boy Bands.

The Formulae:So, its a PST, and all the overhead stock shots are just absolutely lovely. I need to find out where that stock footage was from. There are Dead Parents cuz Ladies Who Love Xmas always need something sad in their past. There was the Xmas Tree Lot. And the requisite misunderstanding. The Boy Band event is kind of an Xmas Event. Now that also says something to me --- why was the Boy Band Event held on Christmas Day ?!? Shouldn't all these people be at home with their families? That just bugs me.

Unformulae: Well, is it really taking place in a PST ? I always thought it was, but the final scene of the movie has them pull up from all the lovely snow covered houses and ... its just a suburb of The Big City, as in like a ten minute drive from the skyscrapers and lights! Also, nobody is going from Big City to PST, as it all takes place there, and they all live there, and will continue to live there. Jessica or Luke do not have big career making/limiting moments, and while Jessica does actually pursue her cello dream, its not really a big part of the movie. And I don't think I caught any red dress, but I imagine she wore something Xmas-y to the Boy Band concert. 

True Calling? I guess? She does write a bunch of heartfelt notices inside the fancy schmancy Xmas Cards she buys and that is the crux of the movie. But its not like the movie spells it out for you, constantly talking about how she wrote wrote wrote stuff. Its actually more .... organic and naturally played out.

The Rewind: Just one minor one, where at the end they zoom in on the house where everyone is enjoying Xmas, and ... wait, is that window CGI ? It does look odd, and make me wonder whether they just CGIed up the whole house and inserted the lovely picture window bit. It was all so soft-focus fuzzy, I couldn't really tell.

The Regulars: In between standard TV fare, DeVitto has done a few Hallmarkies before and after this one. Chad Michael Murphy (ahhhh the days of the 3-name heart throbs!!) has done a whole big bunch of these before and since this movie and even has become a regular on the NS-set TV series called Sullivan's Crossing which is pretty much Hallmarkie in Canadian TV format. I would have expected Grant Show to have done a ton of these, in between doing Dynasty episodes but apparently not. But most of the C-lane characters were played by the Hallmarkie stable of actors.

How does it Hallmark? This was less formulaic but in doing so, it actually lent itself to being much better here. This felt genuinely romantic and charming (my word for the season, I guess) and you really do want these characters to get together -- all of them !

How does it movie? This aspect is almost always a big No, but I think I might have to consider it whether I would ever consider watching the movie again, as to whether I might make it a Standard Xmas Movie. Alas, no. Despite being fully charmed, there weren't enough moments to make we watch it again. Have there been any ... yet?

How Does It Snow? Can't say I noticed as there weren't a whole lot of actual snowy scenes. But each time they focused on Old People Love there seemed to be a decent amount of background snow that could have been artfully placed shavings from Luke's hockey rink but at least it wasn't sprayed on soap flakes or cotton batting.

Go-Go-Godzilla: #7 Invasion of the Astro-Monster

Ugh, that last one took forever to write. I must have rewatched the film twice over while I was writing it up, so I think I need to go back to writing as I watch. But I'm simplifying the format, and may tweak it further.

Japanese Name: Kaijū Dai-sensō ["Giant Monster War"]
Director: Ishiro Honda
Studio: Toho
Year: 1965
Length: 94 minutes 

The Creatures' Story:

Godzilla just livin' his life, laying dormant a the bottom of a lake, when UFOs come by, electrocutes him, puts him in a bubble and dragged out into space, and when he's woken up that King Ghidorah asshole is there to greet him on a foreign planet with no water.  At least his new best frenemy Rodan is there.

Rodan just livin' his life, laying dormant in the side of a mountain, when UFOs come by, electrocutes him, puts him in a bubble and dragged out into space and when he's woken up that King Ghidorah asshole is there to greet him on a foreign planet with low gravity. At least his new best frenemy Godzilla is there.

They fight. Godzilla does a flying leap onto Ghidora and they tumble. Ghidora flies off and Godzilla dances victoriously. He really does!

Next thing they know a very human spaceship is leaving them abandoned on this planet. It's like leaving a pet lizard and bird in the woods outside city limits. They have no idea what's going on, but it's hard not to feel sorry for just leaving them behind.

And then they get mind controlled, first into a waiting state and then into attacking the humans they always attack anyway. And they have to deal with those humans bullying them as they always do with their little pop machines. The UFOs help in their attack.

Foot stomp montage!

In the process of freeing them from from the mind control, Godzilla, Rodan and Ghidora are knocked into an unconscious spastic mess.  Regaining consciousness after the Planet Xers self immolation, and seeing each other, Godzilla and Rodan immediately begin stomping on Ghidora. Rodan picks Godzilla up and hurls him at the three-headed beast, knocking them over the cliffside. Godzilla tries to drown him, but Ghidorah once again escapes into space.

Both Ghidorah and Rodan look improved over the last film, including how they fly. If they are the same suits, then it's how Honda shoots and edits them this production, less head-on, less full body. It's more oblique and looks better.

The Human Story:
Starts on a rocket in space. Cheap looking planet cutouts and bad starscapes. But there is some good matte work incorporating people with minis.

The peoples:
Fuji - astronaut for the World Space Agency, nepobaby
Glenn - astronaut
Haruno - Fuji's sister works at the World Space Agency. Nepobaby.
Tetsuo - her fiancee, an unsuccessful inventor. Fuji disapproves
Namikawa - from World Education Corporation, buying one of Tetsuo's devices. Dating Glenn...?

Planet X is discovered. It's emitting strange radio waves. Fuji and Glenn land there. Fuji goes off to plant a flag on a peak and comes out on the other end in an elevator that speaks to him knowingly.  He exits into a long, bread loaf-shaped tunnel where he reunites with Glenn. He meets the Commandant of Planet X who tells them of "Monster Zero", a deadly creature who attacks their planet surface forcing them underground. It's King Ghidorah! The planet has used all their resources to defend against him, but to no avail. They ask the humans if they can borrow Godzilla and Rodan to fight Ghidorah on behalf of their planet. They offer a cure for cancer in return.  I mean, hey, sounds like a deal, giving them those two trouble makers on a permanent loan and solve some major problems.

Planet X people come to earth (or maybe were already here, hiding under a lake all this time). They hold a press conference and express this day is Friendship Day. Glenn, Fuji and Dr. So-n-so are to escort Godzilla and Rodan back to planet X in the Commandant's UFO, but Glenn's making out with Miss Namikawa who pleads with him not to go.

Meanwhile, Tetsuo hasn't been paid for the invention the World Education Corporation bought off him and trails Miss Namikawa, only to discover that the people of the WEC are in fact Planet Xers.  

On Planet X, Glenn and Fuji listen to the Commandant's spiel, but suspect something dicey is up. They skip out to investigate (what exactly?) to find a room full of gold, and  women who all look like Namikawa.  They get captured for their nosiness but are let off with a warning as state guests, then sent home with a gold file with the cure for cancer on it.  As they're about to fly off, they spy Rodan and Godzilla, looking forlorn...

Glenn: They cause troubles sometimes but I can't help feeling sorry for them.  

You know, like those two rapscallions aren't each responsible for thousands upon thousands of deaths.  Back home, the cancer cure turns out to be a tape recording of a Planet X manifesto. Earth will hereby become a Planet X colony or face destruction. Panic, riots, mass insanity, dogs and cats living together across the globe. Namikawa and Glenn fight over whether they should marry as earthlings or as Planet Xers. Glenn is captured and Namikawa is executed for being a race traitor?  A flying saucer arrives and destroys all the WSA's space ships and satellites.  They demand Earth's resistance cease or they will use Godzilla, Rodan and King Ghidorah against the planet with their futuristic electromagnetic mind control.

A note Namikawa slipped Glenn before her death states that her people are defenceless against a certain range of sound. It happens to be the same sound Tetsuo's invention makes (which is why they "bought" it off him, to prevent it from developing into a weapon against them.  They're like the aliens from Mars Attacks.  The sound is broadcast over the airwaves, affecting not just the Planet Xers but also their computer-controlled UFOs.  The Planet Xers vow to escape into an unknown future (promising a sequel that never happens?), and self-destruct their ships and bases.

After Godzilla and Rodan defeat Ghidora, Fuji is now okay with his sister and Tetsuo getting married after being on Tetsuo's ass the whole movie, but he and Glenn are being sent back to Planet X to raid their base.

Godzilla, Friend or Foe:
Chaotic neutral at worst. Friend-ish at best. Ditto for Rodan.

The Sounds:
A sort of military march is the main theme from Akira Ifukube this time around. What's constantly surprising is how little Ifukube reuses his themes from film to film. He seems to come up with an original composition for each film's opening credits then does variations on it throughout the film alongside additional compositions.

The Message:
Never trust an alien?

Rating (out of 5 Zs): 
ZZ - kind of surprisingly dull. The story is a little lifeless.

Go-Go-Godzilla: #6 Ghidora: The Three-Headed Monster

Japanese Name: San Daikaiju: Chikyu Saidai no Kessen ["Three Giant Monsters: Earth's Greatest Battle"]
Director: Ishiro Honda
Studio: Toho
Year: 1964
Runtime: 92:58 (Japanese version, 84:46 English version)

The Story:
I've just realized that my process for recording the story of these Godzilla films is very much like my usual Hallmarkies breakdowns, where I'm basically writing and editing the summary as I watch the film. The reason I've realized I'm doing it this way is because, like Hallmarkies (especially pre-2020 Hallmarkies when they became more self-aware), they were batshit insane.

But, these have twice the challenge of Hallmarkies since I'm watching them subtitled and so I can only really look away when the action is happening, and isn't that *really* the point of watching Godzilla movies? 

Except, in this case, no, because the wild first 2/3 of the film are monster-fight free, and the fight is mostly dogshit.  This one is all about the build-up. 

Ghidora: The Three-Headed Monster opens with a meteor shower. Reporter Naoko Shindo is embedded with ufo nuts and is trying to take their reports of contact with aliens seriously. Meanwhile, her brother Detective Shindo is assigned the case of protecting Princess Salno of the small republic of Selgina, which is undergoing some internal strife, and her life might be in danger. Except they've already planted a bomb on her plane. But the Princess receives contact from a glowing orb of light who urges her to get out of the plane urgently, which she does, shocking her trusted aides... who promptly die in the explosion moments later.

Professor Miura (who we just saw in Mothra vs. Godzilla) is investigating one of the meteors that landed in the mountains, and is shocked to discover it's both a grower and glow-er. Naoko is sent on assignment to report on a prophetess holding court in public claiming to be from Venus, warning of imminent danger to humanity...Rodan is coming.

 Meanwhile, the siblings Shindo watch TV, an entertainment program spotlighting "where are they now" news stories, and have landed the Shobijin twins, Mothra's dimunitive fairy from Infant Island who are received by the crowd like huge celebrities. They tell the sad news that one of the twin Mothra larvae died, and, seemingly, the other one is depressed.

It seems like 20 minutes of extreme scattershot randomness, until Detective Shindo pieces together that the Venusian woman from the news is actually Princess Salno with amnesia and delusions, but so too does Salno's evil uncle with aspirations of the throne, and sends hitmen after her. Naoko meets with Professor Murai, and her brother joins them for lunch, when Salno's warning of Rodan's coming comes to pass.  Naoko decides to take Salno into her care and the Shobijin join them, as Salno warns of Godzilla's attack on an ocean liner. Surprisingly, this film passes the Bechdel test.

Detective Shindo wards off an assassination attempt on Salno and takes her to a doctor.  Meanwhile, Godzilla and Rodan "fight" and Ghidorah's egg hatches.  The doctor's only conclusion for Salno's condition is there's nothing wrong. Even after hearing the Venusian's story, warning of Ghidorah's destruction of the Venusian civilization 5000 years ago, his only conclusion is electroshock therapy which for some reason Detective Shindo is right on board with. Ghidorah goes on a rampage. The government is freaking out with three different monsters rampaging about. The only useful suggestion on how to tackle the problem, outside of atomic weapons, is to ask for Mothra's help.  The Shobijin doubt Mothra ability to defeat Ghidorah alone... Mothra says the only hope is to try to convince Godzilla and Rodan to team up with her to fight the space creature.

Which is exactly what happens. 

But first, at the clinic, Detective Shindo agrees to electroshock therapy for Salno, but her cruel and inhumane "treatment" is stopped by the monster fight knocking out the power. Then Shindo foils another assassination attempt, with the help of his sister and Prof. Murai. They flee with the rest of the villagers. Ghidorah's rampage is swift, violent, and at least three times more destructive than a Godzilla and Rodan rampage combined.

Yes, Mothra goes to Godzilla and Rodan and asks them for a team up. It goes a little something like this:

"Squeeal."
"Roar."
"Cluck."

The Shobijin interpret the "conversation",

"Don't fight," Mothra says, "let's work together to protect the Earth from King Ghidorah's violence."
Naoko asks if they agree.
"No," the twins reply. "Both Godzilla and Rodan are saying they don't care."
"Damn it. Bastards!" Shindo exclaims.
"Godzilla is saying he has no reason to save humans. 'They are always bullying me.' Rodan agrees with him. 
"Mothra is saying 'Let's forget the past.' Godzilla and Rodan are saying to each other that the other one should apologize. Mothra is still trying to convince them.
"'This Earth is not just for mankind but for everyone.' Mothra is saying 'It is our duty to protect it.' They are getting close to agreeing.
"No! it didn't work," the twins say, crestfallen. "Mothra will have to fight alone."
[it's so stupid]

In another eyerolling twist, the assassins' car is destroyed by Ghidora, but one assassin survives. He takes off into the woods, but also so has Salna. Shindo chases after her. Salno falls off a cliff and bumps her head. A gunfight ensues. Shindo is shot, but the assassin is crushed by falling rocks.

Mothra is no match for Ghidorah alone, but when Godzilla and Rodan have a change of heart, they tag team up and send Ghidorah packing.

Salna's knock on the head cures her insomnia, Fred Flintstone-style, and she makes some goo-goo eyes at Detective Shindo.  The Princess returns home on a plane with the cast seeing her off. The Shobijin return home with Mothra with new BFFs Godzilla and Rodan seeing them off? The End.

The Creatures:
Godzilla, of course. Looks the same as in Mothra vs. Godzilla, except the puppet Godzilla. It has a different head and mouth sculpt, I think. Godzilla behaves like a shitty teenager, quite frankly.  Godzilla's atomic breath is not really animated here at all (must have run out of budget) so only ever looks like mist. The performance of Godzilla has all the energy of a sporting mascot. It's pretty corny.

Rodan looks really really bad. Like a plucked turkey with fingers on the end of its wings. I know it's supposed to be a pterodon-adjacent creature, but it's really ugly. I can't figure out what all the dangly things on its belly are...? Teats?  Rodan's chief weapon is wind, like Mothra last film.

Mothra, still in larval form, is mostly seen in miniature skulking around. Seems to be a new miniature sculpt than in the previous movie as its body is overly segmented, as in each little lump on her body seems to be a different jointed piece. The full size suit form seems the same as the previous film.

Ghidora is a gigantic, golden, three-headed, three-tailed monster sort of Godzilla shaped but wider, with no arms and massive wings that seem broader than either Rodan's or Mothra's. Rather than having lizard skin, Ghidora has scales with each seeming to be intricately pieced on, rather than just sculped into the suit. He fires crooked yellow laser beams from his mouths and they are even more destructive than Godzilla's atomic breath.  He's an impressive looking beast costume, but man does it ever look awful when flying, kicking its legs around, not streamlined at all.

The Shobijin twins return, and are ever so cute. They get multiple costume changes, like they were set up for a whole doll line or something.

The Battles:
(1) The first Godzilla vs. Rodan battle is so stupid, done almost entirely in miniature. Godzilla mists Rodan in the face as it hover's mere inches away from his mouth. His back fins light up once but his breath is only ever mist.  Rodan then pecks Godzilla in the head a half dozen times, and Godzilla's eyes dart back and forth afterwards. I think it's supposed to convey that it made him dizzy, but it's almost more like an eyeroll... as if to say "what am I even doing here?"  And that's the first battle. It's less than a minute at nearly the hour mark.

8 minutes later, the battle continues, as Rodan knocks Godzilla over and we see him struggle to roll himself over like a beetle on its back. Then Rodan picks him up by the back and flies off with him then drops him on some power lines.  

When the fight picks up a few minutes later, Rodan pecks 'zilla on the head a few more times before Godzilla smacks him down out of the air then suplexes him.  He then twerks on Rodan with his tail before Rodan bites it.  He mist Rodan in the face again before Rodan summuns up another winds storm. Godzilla starts kicking rocks at Rodan.  

As Mothra approaches, Godzillas rock kicking turns into a bout of hackey sac as they bounce a boulder back and forth between each other. Mothra sprays silk in Godzilla's face, Rodan squelches, laughing. Then Rodan gets the same treatment and Godzilla slaps his belly in delight. It's so stupid.  I really hate the anthropomorphism of the Kaiju. I worry it's only going to get worse as the Showa era trucks on.

When Mothra fights Ghidorah, she just gets wreck. Ghidora blasts her over and over again, sending her flopping like a fish out of water. Godzilla enters the fight, gets blasted, and tries to grab Ghidorah by the necks, but they're too much, sending him flying into a bridge. Rodan attacks from the air, and Ghidorah chases him. They play aerial chicken and both lose, crashing into one another and careening into the ground. Godzilla starts chucking boulders at Ghidorahs heads (the first time we've seen Godzilla throw things. 

Ghidorah blasts 'zilla in the guts making his tummy feel all funny. Rodan attacks from behind, Godzilla up front, Monthra by the tail, but even altogether they get sent flying. Godzilla gets blasted in the butt. Mothra crawls onto Rodan's back while Godzilla keeps Ghidora busy, and then Mothra starts with the silk spray, binding Ghidora's three heads together much like it bound Godzilla last film.  I don't get how it's such an effective deterrent but it sends Ghidorah packing, flying off into space. Winner: Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra...and friendship!

The Humans:
The humans story dominates the film and it's a rather incredible weaving of a multitude of narratives into something close to a cohesive plot. A very bizzare plot, but these are bizarre movies.

I'm sad our reporter friends from Mothra vs. Godzilla didn't return but it was nice seeing Murai again. I loved the funny little subplot of Naoko's mom and brother thinking Murai was her secret boyfriend, and when her brother tells him, Murai seems neither surprised, nor intrigued, nor amused. He's all business. No time for love.

Friend or Foe:
Godzilla certainly starts out as a foe, in that he emerges from the water only to destroy a boat, but somehow, by the end of the story, he's maybe not the people's champion but his threat level has palpably diminished.

The Sounds:
Godzilla gets some new short roars for when its talking or laughing (ugh). Mothra sounds the same as last time. Rodan makes the same sound as Space Ghost's ship when it travels in the air. Rodan also sort of has a cluck it make which sounds like a mix of clanging two cans together and talking through the Snake Mountain microphone.  Rodan also has a sort of cluck-roar which starts as a squelch of a bird and ends like a lion.

Ghidorah sounds like a trilling raygun effect being pitched one octave higher and lower

Akira Ifukube's score this time seems to be playing on big, brassy 60's superspy soundtracks, only going even bigger and with more menace.  

The Message:
Aliens are real and you should believe in them and also be scared? I dunno.

Rating (out of 5 Zs):
ZZZ - honestly, the first two thirds are pretty great, but the monster fighting is flaming garbage and drags the whole last act down.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): The Princess

2022, Le-Van Kiet (The Ancestral) -- download

Download? This was a Hulu/Disney+ movie!! But where is it? WTF Disney, why are you cleaning house of the movies I never got around to watching yet? It was only there a year !!

I was in the mood for a "fantasy movie", i.e. something with swords and pseudo-medieval worlds, not necessarily with magic or monsters but something in the D&D vein. This one about a faerie tale princess who turns the tables on her captors fit the bill quite well.

And I liked this movie. It perfectly scratched the itch I had. It also had a rather expeditious nature to it that fit the Wuxia inspired action rather well. There isn't a lot of world building here; we are just dropped in a situation. Princess (no name given) (Joey King, Bullet Train) awakens, groggy, in manacles, locked in The Tower. Two leather clad henchmen were sent to check on her, and are probably about to grope her, when she attacks. She's no meek princess and makes quick work of them, while still recovering from whatever overcame her. She kicks ass.

Think reverse-The Raid as The Princess makes her way down the tower defeating enemies and hiding as the circumstances require. As she makes her way, we are given her recollections of the events that got her put there, as well as the requisite background. Good King (no name given) (Ed Stoppard, Knightfall) was about to marry his eldest daughter off to smug nobleman no na....er... Julius (Dominic Cooper, Preacher). He does not have a male heir and feels he has no other options. But The Princess is not traditional in the least, and abandons her betrothed mid-ceremony. In response, Julius takes the castle. And her.

She does not react well to that. Julius does not react well to her daring to rebuff him. But he still feels he has to marry her in order to win the people's hearts. He could just be a plain old usurper, but tradition rules this land. But The Princess has made her choice and all who stand in her way will feel her wrath. And she's a skilled warrior, so even Julius's best and biggest barbarian cannot defeat her.

Its a silly movie, with lots that doesn't make sense outside the faerie tale sub-genre, but it was a lot of fun and Joey King has you rooting for her almost immediately. Oh, it could have used a bit more polish and finesse, but it more than satisfied the desire I had for a "movie with swords".

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Quiz Lady

2023, Jessica Yu (13 Reasons Why) -- Disney

Kent's the comedy movie guy in these parts. Kent will/would have more insight. I am usually caught by a premise or an actor or a style when I choose to watch comedy. If the trailer makes me chuckle at least twice, then I am oft inspired to actually watch the movie. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily dislike comedy. I am just ... niche? Or maybe too pedestrian in my comedy? 

So, I laughed at two things during this movie's trailers: that the tables were turned and Sandra Oh was the weird, awkward one, and Awkwafina was the awkward, straight one. That still seems... wrong, but maybe the "flipping the expectations" is what they were going for? Second one was when Sandra Oh hits on the gay doctor and he responds, "I am married, and I am gay." Her response, "Why's you have to say two reasons?"

#snort

So, Anne Yum (Awkwafina, Ocean's Eight) is nerdy and awkward, insular and invisible at work. But she has her game show and her dog; well, her sister's dog that was left behind 20 years ago. Anne gets the call from the old folks home that they lost her mom (!!!). No, silly, not dead, just lost. Turns out mom took off to Macau with her new boyfriend, and that is the final straw for the home, who kicks her out. Anne's estranged sister Jenny (Sandra Oh, Killing Eve) also shows up, much to her sister's chagrin. Jenny is a hot mess, homeless, jobless and still dressing like she is 21. She is not 21. 

Also, mom has a gambling problem and owes a local bookie $80K. So they steal the dog as collateral.

Every week night Anne sits down with her dog to watch the popular quiz show hosted by aging, amiable Terry McTeer (Will Ferrell, Stranger Than Fiction) which she has been watching so long and with so much dedication, she gets every question correct. But its not just the watching -- Anne's bookshelves are full of books full of the knowledge these types of quiz shows depend on. 

A plan is hatched. By Jenny. Anne hates being in the spotlight, but she wants her dog back. She grudgingly agrees. If she does really well on the show, she could not only win enough money to get the dog back, but also dethrone the reigning winner, smarmy Ron Heacock (Jason Schwartzman, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World), who has his eyes on being the next Terry McTeer. Anne hates him. Everyone hates him, despite being such a nice guy. 

Does everyone hate Ken Jennings? 

You know how it ends. 

Its an OK comedy with a modicum of heart, some decent jokes and a lot of awkwardness. Sandra Oh is pretty good as the entirely not-self-aware (or IS she entirely self aware, but only sees one path to where she wants to be?) terrible older sister. Awkwafina has to stop playing the "straight man" characters and embrace her own level of weird, be let off the leash. That said, she really has the slouch down pat in this movie.

Hallmarkie Preview: Deliver by Christmas

Kent I started a silly thing a few years ago, wherein we watch too many Hallmark Christmas movies. I started ironically, he only semi-did, but over the years, he has somewhat tired of them, and I have ... well, come to look forward to this time of year. Entirely unironically.

This year has been emotionally draining. I needed a boost. So Marmy gave me permission to start watching them once the music was playing in the malls and the Santas had begun to visit there. That was this weekend past. I don't intend on ODing on them, just a few here and there, but come Dec wherein I will switch to our usual HallmarKent format.

2020, Terry Ingram (The Christmas Note) -- download

The Draw: I downloaded it a few years ago, but never got to it. One of the leads is a baker! And it has our favourite low-rent Paul Rudd, Eion Bailey, which is entirely unfair because we both know him from Band of Brothers which was long before Rudd came on our radar. Alas, Hollywood can be cruel and so can its viewers.

HERstory: I am pretty sure the PST is not named until late in the movie, but here we are. Josh(y) (Eion Bailey, From) and his son Charlie(y) live next door to Josh's brother Jimmy (Jim Thorburn, Engaging Father Christmas) and his wife Amy (Julie Lynn Mortensen, Van Helsing). Mom is absent, and it takes a while for us to guess "she never came back", as mom was a soldier mom. Across town, Molly (Alvina August, Nancy Drew) is the baker in question, a single... oh, wait that's her niece. Joshy has just moved to PST (i think) and isn't doing anything so he volunteers to help his sister-in-law with her first time being in charge of the town tree lighting event + Xmas fair. She gives him a list.

Molly is just the single, hard-working baker not dating anyone. She works too hard. Far too hard, confirmed by the fact that her bakery has no staff, at all, so she does all the baking (stays up all night) and also works the counter, while also finding the time to just wander around town doing stuff with her niece and eventually with Joshy.

The two bump into each other when Joshy gropes her while picking the perfect tree at the Xmas tree lot. OK, he just accidentally brushes finger tips with her but, wooo-weee, snowflakey sparks fly. Joshy tells her all about the perfect tree and they almost have an awkward moment about who gets the tree, which is killed by the fact the tree is already sold. 

First on Joshy's fair errand list was baking cookies. He claims to know how. Charlie doesn't cover for him. While decorating the tree, he burns the fuck out of the cookies and ends up being connected with Molly for replacement cookies. He has trouble sleeping and replies to an email to Molly. She is up late (is 3:25am really late, or really early?) and answers said email. He is surprised and they end up talking on the phone, wherein she explains to him that the reason his cookies burned was due to the lack of chilling. I can tell you, 8-11 minutes in a 350 oven is fine for unchilled cookies, so his 9 minutes would have not caused crispy critters, so he fucked up somewhere else.

The rest of the movie is Joshy and Molly occasionally bumping into each other, wherein snowflakes fly, or texting/on-the-phone with each other, not connecting that they are the "bump into" people. Also, Jimmy and Amy and trying to setup Joshy up with Jessica-y (Fiona Vroom, Sailing Into Love), which doesn't go over well. AND Joshy tells Molly on the phone that he hasn't really gotten back to dating after his wife's death, and she tells him how she was left at the altar, and is pretty much of the same opinion on dating. And YET, while easily flirting with Guy On Phone, she is also feeling the snowflakes fly for Bump Into Guy, sooooo she kinda sort sounds like she's interested in dating. Eventually her sister convinces her to be honest, but after initially ruling out one misunderstanding (it's his sister-in-law, not his wife/GF) she has another more understandable one, when Joshy is pressured by Jessica-y to a date at the local steak & Italian joint. That scene really breaks her heart.

And it leads to Josh-y being stood up for gingerbread house decorating, an event he set up with her over the phone, and even convinced her to show up and assist. He masterfully built the town square stand and she was supposed to show with ingredients and expertise. Alas, she is heartbroken so never shows. Its also kind of weird, as Joshy is having crush-y feelings on two women (in his mind), one the Girl On Phone and one, the Bump Into Girl. By now Molly has connected the two together, but he hasn't. And there is the issue with introducing a new lady friend to Charlie. Charlie is his life. 

It all comes together when Molly's sister learns the truth of the date, and makes sure that Molly is coming to the tree lighting ceremony. And Charlie has confessed he really wanted Joshy to connect with Bump Into Girl cuz he heard she makes everyone around her happy, and he really wants his dad to be happy again. Molly shows up to the event in her semi-red dress (either way, rahhhr) and Josh finally gets it, and swoops in for the kiss.

The Formulae: There was a bit of the nod nod wink wink in some of the tropes for this movie, including the (more recent) vintage red pickup truck found at the Xmas tree lot, but also Molly had a gingerbread red pickup truck in the background. There is an event, the standard fare town centre Xmas tree lighting event, as well as a low-key Xmas fair going on. And of course, there is cocoa to be had, and the decorating of the tree picked at the lot. Ugly sweater contest -- that light-up, sloth Xmas sweater is incredible !! There is a Dead Mom and while not as common, a "left at the altar" ? I guess they have only so many ways to leave one of the leads currently single without everyone being dead. 

Unformulae: The PST aspect of the movie is entirely too far played down. Joshy has moved to his home PST from... California? Where ever he was a big software mogul. But the town is pretty much overlooked as the movie focuses on what's going on in the hearts & minds of our leads. There is also no desire to leave the PST, and nobody is stuck here - everyone is here to stay whether they get together or not. The red dress was mainly purple, but had a red... shawl? 

True Calling? Not at all. I mean, the only thing being delivered are the ingredients for the gingerbread making stall, and that is such a low-key aspect of the movie. I have a feeling it was supposed to be played up more in the script, but lost it to the charm of them chatting on the phone. 

The Rewind: Nothing really. In the more middle-road Hallmarkies, nothing is ever entirely stand-out terrible nor stand-out enjoyable.

The Regulars: I had to dive pretty far down the list to find someone who has even done more than a couple, and that would be Jimmy (Jim Thorburn, ) who has been in a metric ton of them, interspersed by the standard Canadian TV fare.

How does it Hallmark? It fills in the blanks with a lot of the tropes but from the formula, it meanders mostly down the "getting to know you" standard romantic genre movie path. Nothing really jumps out at you as "classic" Hallmarkie, which meant it was more a classic sugar cookie than a highly decorated gingerbread man.

How does it movie? No, not at all. And it even went so far as to annoy me, in that it kept on shoe-horning in some American military rah-rah. Sure, Dead Mom was a military nurse (why couldn't she has just been a soldier?) but the number of "thankyou for your service" moments felt entirely tacked on for some purple suit's agenda.

How Does It Snow? Grrr. They didn't even really try. There was one shaved-ice snowball fight and a snow fort made from... something, but the cotton batting sitting on the bushes and hedges really annoyed me. It looked like cotton batting and there was never even a hint of cold weather in the entire movie.

Go-Go-Godzilla: #5 Mothra vs. Godzilla

Oh damn, do I need to go back and watch 1961's Mothra? How many Mothra films are there? Does it have its own spiralling mythology like Gamera that I'd need to invest in? No, no, I'm doing strictly Godzilla films. We can worry about off-shoots another time.

Name: Godzilla vs. The Thing
Japanese Name: Mosura tai Gojira
Director: Ishiro Honda
Studio: Toho
Year: 1964

The Story:
Oh boy, this one gets wet, and then gets wild.
A typhoon hits a miniaturized set of coastal beach. Then next day, while crews are assessing the devastation and reporter Junko is getting an earful from "negative" reports from the local officiate, Plucky rookie photographer  Saki is taking verite photos of wreckage, when they find a small, unusual, shiny object in the water that they take. Junko and Saki are promptly reassigned to a different beach where a gigantic egg is found floating in the water.  An biology expert, Professor Miura is brought in to assess the egg, but given little chance for research when shady businessman with weird tiny moustache Kumayama announces that he bought the rights to the egg from the locals who found it and that everyone needs to leave. Kumayama's company, Happy Enterprises, will be building a visitation center and theme park around the attraction and charging for a look. No scientist allowed unless they pay their way in.  Junko and Saki smell rotten fish at Happy Enterprises and befriend the professor.

At the hotel, Kumayama breaks down the plans for the egg (and he rents the beach too, apparently, as he has massive plans for developing there around the egg) to his financial backer, the unscrupulous Jiro Torahata, only to be interrupted by tiny pleas...pleas that say "Please give us back our egg." It's two adorable tiny fairy ladies in mushroom-shaped hats and fur shawls, looking like 60's airline stewardesses more than traditional fae folk. Kumayama and Torhata try to capture the wee lassies, as they're weird, and could be another attraction. But they escape. Junko, using his investigative reporter instincts busts into their room. Moments later he meets up with Saki and Miura in the woods outside the hotel, where they encounter the Shobijin twins. 

They're from Infant Island, where they've been doing nuclear bomb testing. The bombing unearthed Mothra's egg, and the typhoon washed out to sea. The twins plea for help. Junko promises to write a exposee on Happy Enterprises and vie to curry public favour towards Mothra's plight.  The trio are introduced to Mothra who has just been sitting on the bluffs the whole time.

The reporter, the photographer and the professor make an in-person plea to Kumayama and Torhata on behalf of Mothra, but they laugh in their face and dare them to sue for custody of the egg. Then Kumayama asks them to sell him the Shobijin twins..it's creepy the way he leers.  The Shobijin take a ride home on Mothra, all are dejected.

The locals start getting upset that Kumayama has defaulted on his payments to them for the egg and the beach rental, so he borrows more money from Torhata, putting the egg up as collateral, who then starts incubating the egg.

The shiny thing Junko and Saki pulled from the rubble earlier turns out to be highly radioactive. Returning to the site, now all cleaned up, they search for more radiation, much to the objections of local officials who have big development plans. The site isn't radioactive...beneath it is buried...GODZILLA! The look of him climbing out of the sand is awesome.  He goes on a typical miniatures-destroying rampage.

The goofball, egg-eating (he's always eating an egg) reporter at Junko's the paper suggest asking Mothra for help in defeating Godzilla. Junko feels awkward about asking the Shobijin for help when they couldn't help them but Miura convinces him and Saki to join him out on Infant Island, where they see the aftereffects of the nuclear testing, are accosted by the very red locals, and brought to their commons where they're given a bowl of red stuff their encouraged to drink to drive out any evil spirits. The islanders are not sympathetic to the mainlanders who light the devil's fire (Nuclear bombs, not marijuana) and cause them suffering. But after a lovely haunting song from the Shobijin, they confide that their telepathic powers have revealed that Godzilla poses a danger to Mothra's egg but they still refuse to ask for Mothra's support.  Suki and Junko each deliver an empassioned speech on the complexities of mankind, and Mothra agrees to help. Mothra is about to pass away apparently but will fight Godzilla with her last strength.

Kumayama, having gone into incredible debt in a stupid business venture and with Godzilla threatening it all, he's in ruins. So he goes and beats the living crap out of Torhata and attempts to steal his money, but Torhata pulls a gun and murders Kumayama. As Torhata tries to flee Godzilla destroys the building killing Torhata in the process.  

Mothra and Godzilla fight. Godzilla wins. Then the Japan Self-Defence Force take over trying to net and electrocute Godzilla (picking up that thread from King Kong vs Godzilla), They pump him so full of juice they blow their transformers and Big G rebounds so, so quickly, incinerating everything remotely human around him.

He starts heading for Iwa Island, where a teacher and 10 children are on a school outing. It's weird stakes to close out the film. But the egg hatches and twin larvae chase after the beast what killed their mama. They undulate wildly trying to catch up with him. When they do, they strategize, pinning him down so all he can do is flee.  Victorious, the Shobijin catch a ride home on the twins as our human friends wave goodbye.

The Creatures:
Shobijin - the fairy folk of Infant Island, not even two apples tall. They have telepathic powers which they use to communicate with Mothra and her children. They're otherwise pretty defenceless. But boy can they sing. And they're cute as the dickens.

Mothra - a fluffy, cuddly-looking moth-like creature adorned in colourful earthen tones of brown, beige, orange, yellow and red. It has shiny segmented bug eyes that have a glint of blue in the light. She has a little beak in the middle of her face. She fights with wind power and releases a toxic pollen. Clearly a large puppet of some kind. As well as a mini-puppet at times

Godzilla - Looking positively svelt, big G, with seemingly longer, leaner legs.  He's not so pear-shaped. This version of Godzilla has an upper lip that tremors when he roars, and his eyes are livelier than ever before. The active tail of King Kong vs. Godzilla is back, and his radiation breath is not nearly as sparingly used as it has been previously. They add some light colouring to Godzilla's brow which makes it look like he has blonde eyebrows.  

The egg - out of the giant egg is born twin larvae, who look like ... slimy larvae with funny little beaks that are actually mandibles. They're each about as long as Godzilla's tail, so they're not that small. They spit ample strings of silk that can constrict even the mightiest beast. And they can swim.

The Battle:
At the 1 hour mark, using a mix of live action costume play and speed-ramped miniatures, the fight commences. As Godzilla ventures closer to getting Mothra's egg, Mothra arrives, flapping her winds generating a torrential wind that even pushes Godzilla's massive frame back. Stunned, Mothra gets behind him and grabs him by the tail, dragging him face first across the ground. Godzilla can't get his bearings. Mothra needles his head before releasing her poison dust. Gozilla flails wildly, firing his breath into the air blindly. He strikes Mothra's wing and she cannot stay aloft any longer. With one last heave she knocks Godzilla off the bluff and goes to die next to her progeny.  Godzilla walks off and moves with a bit of a kick in his step. Winner: Godzilla, barely.

When Mothra's larvae catch up with Godzilla, one of them bites him on the tail so hard that it swings around as his appendage flails about. Once shaking it loose, he pounds the creature with his tail. Its sibling squirts Godzilla with silk which doesn't harm him but annoys him greatly. The two siblings flank the big beast and just hose him down with their silly string, absolutely coating him in it.  All he can do is kick rocks and once again blindly spout his radiation breath. For newborns, the twins are surprisingly adept strategists as they duck in and out of cover avoiding anything Godzilla can send back at them.  Eventually all Godzilla can do is roll into the ocean and escape into the deep.  Winner: Mothra twins

The Humans:
While the Toho team have yet to have a really good human centric story arc, there's at least good humans characters that are driving this story. For the first two acts at least Junko and Saki are a lively, verbally sparring duo who, in a non-kaiju film, would be a total rom com couple. Professor Miura is a necessary part of the trio, and its their involvement that takes us through the unveiling of the egg, meeting the Shobijin, unearthing Godzilla, and getting Mothra involved in the fight. Once Godzilla starts rampaging though, it's hard to get them involved in anything but pointing and exposition.

Kumayama is the cartoonishly slimy capitalist, so cocky and self assured in everything he does, without any consideration at all for anything other than capital gains. He's so proud of himself and his ideas. Torhata is the cartoonishly sly capitalist, ready to invest in the goofball but ask for everything should he default. They both suck. That it comes to such desperate blows in the climax of the second act is rather shocking. Like, actual bloody violence shocking.

Friend or Foe:
Mothra is definitely friendly, attuned to humanity, specifically the natives of Infant Island.

The Sounds:
Godzilla's roar has stabilized at this point, nothing new or surprising coming from the creature. 

Mothra and the twins have a squelch that's sort of a cross between a slide whistle and scraping metal against more metal. Mothra makes a whirring sound when flying that is not too dissimilar to typical 50's UFO sounds.

Akira Ifukube delivers a string bass-heavy, bombastic, staccato laden main theme played in the lower register, signalling slow, lumbering death is on its way. Lovely work with the three different songs sung by the Shobijin and the music of the Infant Island tribal people.

The Message:
There's a real anti-capitalist message here. First that capitalism shouldn't take precedence over the needs of the people or the betterment of society, or the interests of science. And yet it cruelly does, the film acknowleges. But capitalism is also a folly, as Kumayama learns. For his greed, he has nothing but desperation and ruin in the face of the ecosystem. His unscrupulous financier, a man of inaction, is even more vilified as his riches allow him to stack the deck in his favour. Except when natural disaster comes, what good are riches?

Even the politicians in the film are more concerned with commerce and optics than truth and safety.

Of course, there's also a strong anti-nuclear proliferation message, but that's just the constant in all these.

There's also an undercurrent of anti-colonialism, as the native people of Infant Island, living in harmony with their environment and their fairy and giant beasties, resent the mainlanders and their playing with godfire that hurts everything in the ecosystem. They abhor the intrusion the mainland continually has on their life.

Rating (out of 5 Zs):
ZZZZ 

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off

 2023, Netflix (8 episodes)
created by Bryan Lee O'Malley and BenDavid Grabinski

Oh, it's so nice to be surprised.

The 2010 film Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was a something I was absolutely in the pocket for. Based on a graphic novel series I was already reading, directed by Edgar Wright whom I was already a fan of, starring Michael Cera from Arrested Development which was a favourite comedy*, featuring new music from Beck and Metric whom were both very much in my playlists for years, and set in Toronto, where I live. Bashing together indie rock with anime with action movies with romcoms with superhero comics with video games...you couldn't get more me in 2010.  I loved, and continue to love the film.  I like the comics a lot, but the film stimulates.  

The film was optioned and written before the six-issue comic series was even halfway complete, so the film and the comic are very much the same for nearly half the story, but then diverge pretty wildly.  When a new anime series was announced coming from Netflix, with O'Malley adapting his own work, with Wright on as producer, and with pretty much the entire film cast coming back and reprising their roles, I thought this was going to be the literal adaptation of the comics, going verbatim. Strangely, though, the trailer seemed to be mirroring only the beats of the film.  Still, I love the film so much it was hard not to get excited.

November 17 was a hotly anticipated date. So when it hit, the first surprise was the seemingly unavoidable critical fanfare warning of MAJOR SPOILERS. I mean, I've seen the movie, I've read the comic...what could be so spoilery.

Episode one with only little nuanced variations is 20 minutes of an animated repeat of the film's first 20 minutes in O'Malley's illustrated style. 

Scott is introduced, an unemployed slacker hipster in mid-aughts Toronto, plays in a band with his ex girlfriend and lives in his cool gay roommate's tiny bachelor basement apartment. He's sort-but-not dating Knives Chau, a 17-year-old high schooler absolutely infatuated with him, but he becomes instantaneously smitten with Ramona Flowers, the two-tone dyed-hair retro-fashioned uber-cool Netflix DVD delivery girl that uses his mind as a subspace highway, and thus is the literal girl of his dreams.  In attempting to date Ramona, this sets off alarm bells from the League of Evil Exes, an organization of Ramona's ex-romantic interests who are still interested.  Evil ex #1 Matthew Patel crashes Scott's band's gig, where he and Scott fight.

If you're a fan of the film, do not read any further.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then yeah, read on.

In the film, this is Scott's first victory against Ramona's evil exes, on his way to winning her heart. Yeah, I agree, it's a little... regressive, and robs Ramona of agency.  As much as I love the film, I'm absolutely critical of the fact that Ramona has very little agency in her own romance with Scott.  In the comics, ultimately, Scott learns that all the fighting was for an ideal, an obsession, that he doesn't even really know or love Ramona. He winds up with Knives in the end...which, in itself, is a little problematic given him being 23 and her 17.

In Scott Pilgrim Takes Off, well, Scott is defeated by Matthew Patel in that first fight. Like, killed. Turned into coins (as people who are defeated in Scott Pilgrim are want to do).  And things literally take off from there.

Another spoiler: Ramona discovers Scott isn't dead, but was teleported out of the fight and made to appear dead. The series then becomes Ramona's investigation into Scott's disappearance, which results in her confronting her "evil" exes. 

In Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, the world literally revolves around Scott Pilgrim. Here, Scott is the vehicle for showing that there's a world that exists outside of him. Each of the characters of the Scott Pilgrim universe gets elaborated upon in Scott Pilgrim Takes Off. They become full blown, complicated characters. Each of the exes isn't reduced to being someone's love interest, they have their own wants and desires explored. Scott's band mates, Wallace Wells, Julie Powers, Young Neil, Knives, they all get their own journeys in this series that don't fixate on their involvement with Scott. We see how the world of Scott Pilgrim looks when we're not looking at the world through Scott Pilgrim, and it's a lot less binary, a lot less simplified.  The show is lovingly critical of the film, with Edgar Wrights full approval. 

When the comic gives Scott his redemptive arc, to show his personal growth, it's a longer and more involved journey than what the Scott of the film has time for. Scott's journey of self discovery in the film is pretty shallow. Scott has a much different journey of self-discovery in Scott Pilgrim Takes Off, and it's even more rewarding than the comics version.  It offers Scott no easy answers or easy victories, and it also involves seeing Ramona as more than just a reward to be won.  It present not Ramona, but love, as what the reward is, and understands that love is shared and requires respect for self and others, it requires conscientiousness and dedication, and isn't just earned once, but has to continue to be earned.  

It's a delightfully surprising show that delivers a very different, and very welcome third narrative to the world of Scott Pilgrim. It ties itself pretty tightly to Wright's film (there are a lot of meta jokes about the film, but also, the film gets made within the show) but I don't think it's mandatory to know the film to understand the show. It's its own journey.

I'm not an anime guy and this is most definitely anime, but anime taken from O'Malley's style, which itself is a sort of manga-adjacent.  There's a pacing to anime, where dialogue scenes can feel pretty stilted as the animators have a micro-pause for a facial reaction or whatever, but the action sequences are frenetic.  This holds true here, though I should say, the timing of the dialogue comes and goes.  The fight sequences are pretty incredible, super creative, and paired with expecting the unexpected, super duper fun.  And is the music of Sex Bob-omb by Broken Social Scene (or a subset thereof) this time ( Joseph Trapanese and Anamanaguchi is the series composer)? I saw that Emily Haines and Metric were back as the voice of Envy Adams and the Clash at Demonhead.

I thought I would like this a lot, anime or no, but turns out I loved it a lot. It's everything the world of Scott Pilgrim was missing, and it's so, so satisfying.

*ok, I have to admit, I wasn't sold on Cera until I saw the film. I didn't think he would be able to play cocky enough, but Cera managed to be his own special version of a dick.

Go-Go-Godzilla: #4 King Kong vs. Godzilla

My intention for this SBP series, especially with the original 50's through 70's era Godzilla is to watch them in their original edit and tongue, with subtitles. Unfortunately sometimes you're just stuck with what you have at hand, and what I have at hand is the Universal-released edit of KKvsG.  I know there are some major differences (7 minutes difference in the edit, the bulk of the score has been changed, scenes shifted, and a weird United Nations News framing sequence) so I will need to loop back on this one after all is said and done.

That all said, KKvsG is the first giant moster movie I can recall seeing. I was a young, young lad (possibly around 5 years old), and recall there being a screening at my local library. I have vague memories of the experience, but also the memories might not be truthful, as I remember it being black and white, which apparently it never was

Name: King Kong vs. Godzilla
Japanese Name: Kingu Kongu tai Gojira
Director: Ishirō Honda
Studio: Toho with Universal International
Year: 1963

The Story:
A cheap-ass United Nations news desk reports on some Chilean troubles and then some issues with Japanese shipping routes. A UN nuclear sub is on its way to help. The newsman reports on rare psychotropic berries that Japanese science crew has discovered on Ferro Island, a berry the local natives are defensive of, as they use its psychotropic effects to placate a giant beast that cohabitates on the island.

A pharmaceutical company is both after the berries, and saving the flogging rating of the nature TV show it sponsors. The executives plan a one-two-punch of going to the island to both get more berries and capture this giant monster on camera.

Meanwhile, back at the "UN newsroom", events transpire on the UN nuclear sub "Seahawk".  Unfortunately the ship gets wedged between shifting ice floes and its engines are destroyed.  The tube full of bad actors are trapped aboard the flooding ship, their deaths all but certain, especially as Godzilla awakens from the very same ice.  Smash cut back to the "UN newsroom" (because all of the footage, including the terror aboard the submarine, was "cut to" footage) to an entirely disaffected reporter, who tells of Godzilla's journey towards mainland Japan, where the army is there to fruitless meet him.

The conceit of cutting back to newsrooms is very annoying, crippling the narrative flow of the film. The reports of Godzilla terrorizing Japan sends the pharmaceutical exec into a rage... he wants his own monster (I guess big pharma people are always assholes).  His TV crew is on their way to Ferro Island, where we cut to the ... oh boy, Japanese actors in brownface playing tribal natives. The natives are unhappy about the visitors, but they curry their favour with a transistor radio playing pseudo-calypso music and cigarettes...even the children want a puff. "It's okay, they're all smoking." And then lightning cracks in the sky, signaling the arrival of their god.

News reports cut into the proceedings, to explain what Godzilla might be, as the creature approaches Hokaido. And then cut back to Ferro Island in the search for the tribal god. An errant gunshot triggers the ire of beast and a rockslide interrupts the hunting party. One of the Japanese men is injured, and the young smoking tribal boy is sent to get red berry juice to soothe him, but he's attacked by a giant octopus going after the berry juice supply.  The ruckus caused trying to fight the octopus rouses King Kong who faces off against the cephalopod, driving it away.  He then tucks into some red berry juice and gets pass-out blotto.  The pharmaceutical men abscond with Kong towing him from the island to Japan on a raft full of dynamite.  The government, though, tells the pharmacy team the creature is considered a menace, and must be returned to Ferro Island.

Meanwhile, Fumiko, a character we've barely met is on a train headed straight for Hokaido where the weather forecast predicts Godzilla will be.  Government officials discuss dropping an atomic bomb on him. The train light attracts Godzilla's attention so it stops and evacuates to waiting buses. Fumiko runs into the woods and then starts splashing in a stream. Somehow her boyfriend Fujita finds her, and the two hide from Godzilla's rampage.

Meanwhile, on the seas, Kong awakens, and is not happy. He's set free and heads towards Japan's mainland, where speculation is the two creatures are old sworn enemies and set for a titanic tussle.  The army dumps dozens of tankers worth of gas along the path Godzilla is taking luring him into pitfall laden with explosives. Godzilla survives. 

Kong attacks Tokyo, chomping on electrical wires. Tokyo is told to evacuate, but it's too late. Kong picks up a skyrail train and becomes transfixed by the screaming Fumiko dangling from it. He then climbs a modestly sized building while the army plans to fire rockets full of red berry juice to rain down on Kong to put him to sleep. Fumiko's brother and Fujita plays rhythmic drums to help lull the beast. Somehow in Kong's passing out process Fumiko is neither crushed nor in a similarly narcotic-induced sleep.

Kong is airlifted by balloon to intercept Godzilla, with the hope the two beasts will kill one another.  They don't. They fall into the ocean and Godzilla fucks of to god(zilla) knows where and Kong swims home. The end?

The Creatures:
Godzilla, explained by a boring white guy from a boring museum, classifies Godzilla as a possible cross between a T-rex and a stegasaurus, between 97 and 120 million years ago.  He thinks Godzilla considers Japan home, but postulates that "as a reptile" he might shy away from electricity.  Boring white guy thinks Godzilla's brain is the size of a marble.  The suit, in colour, looks like the familiar pear-shaped Godzilla form we're most used to.  The tail action on this version of the beast is wonderful.  I'm always surprised by Godzilla's tiny face.  This Godzilla doesn't like the high-tension electrical wires, and avoids them  were previous 'zillas didn't.  The whole purpose of this sudden aversion to electricity is obviously to set up that it's his weakness, and just so happens to be Kong's strength.

King Kong here is a giant ape with ratty, matted fur, heavy breasts, and the derpiest of faces. It's the poorly painted-on eyes.  Kong likes to shred the red. Boring museum guy thinks Kong is a big thinker because he would have a big ape brain.  The costume doesn't look like fur, it's ill fitting, lumpy and wrinkly, and generally looks awful. It looks even worse wet.  Apparently Kong draws strength from electric voltage, which makes no sense, but there you go. 

The Battle: 
Starts with Godzilla having the high ground. Kong throws boulders at godzilla. Godzilla responds with atomic breaths and taunts. Kong's fur is singed and he walks away, scratching his head. Not so titanic, this tussle. Kind of boring, actually

To start round two. Kong gets the higher ground but gives it up so he can get behind Godzilla and grab him by the tail. It doesn't work. Kong chucks more rocks, which a swing of Godzilla's tail sends it right back at him. Kong is hesitant to engage Godzilla's because of his atomic breath, but takes a few shots and gets in there. but he unfortunately brains himself on some rocks.  Kong gets no less than two concussions this fight. To add insult to injury, Godzilla hits him over the head with his tail repeatedly and Kong seems down for the count. But a fortunate twist of thunder and lightning supercharges Kong up which gives him static cling hands that Godzilla doesn't like one bit. Kong jams a tree down Godzilla's throat.  They grapple rolling down a cliffside into the ocean, causing an earthquake that splits the land.  Kong swims home, and Godzilla disappears.  It's pretty weak stuff.

The Humans:
There's two news reporters, one American, and one Japanese, as well as boring museum guy who get as much screen time as any of the original actors. I hate these news guys, passionately.

There's handsome manly Sakurai and total sub Furue who are our guides on Ferro Island, for what it's worth. Sakurai is Fumiko's boyfriend, and her brother, Fujita's best friend. Fujita invented a near-invisible threat that has the strength of a steel cable. This seems important as it's needed to lift Kong by balloon to fight Godzilla (but if you take miniature scaling into account the thread we actually see would be thick cable density in size, so not that remarkable...it's a weird super-science conceit the film asks for).

There's also Mr. Tako (great name), who is an utter man-child, prone to temper tantrums, but somehow very successful. He's the head of the big pharma company and the show producer that Sakurai and Furue work for.

None of these human characters are explored at all in this rendition beyond exceptionally basic beats. They're an unfortunate casualty of trying to re-edit to Americanize the story (and tell, more than show, as if there's something so complicated about this story) as much as possible.

Friend or Foe:
Godzilla could be picking up from Godzilla Rides Again, trapped in ice, but this American rendition seems to pretend like this is the first time we're ever seeing Godzilla, except everyone in Japan knows the creature is Godzilla. 
Kong's story is basically a truncated retelling of King Kong, only giving him a mortal enemy this time, and no meaningful entanglement with Fujita.

The Sounds:
The tribal chanting is very exotic sounding, a pastiche of the original chanting from King Kong.

Kong's roars sound like they're coming out of a Speak'n'Spell.
When he pounds his chest it sounds like banging on sheets of aluminum.

The Message:
Big Pharma sucks?
Apparently director Honda wanted to satirize the Japanese TV industry with this film, but it loses all of its intent in the butchering and insertion of the loathed UN newsdesk reporters.

Rating (out of 5 Z): 
Zz