3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

2023, Steve Caple Jr (Creed II) -- download

Hey, that didn't suck. Why didn't that suck?

Well, relatively.

OK, so it's not a BaySplosion movie. And only barely connected to Bumblebee. In fact it felt more like a standalone movie, given it happens before all the others, yet contains many of the familiar "faces". And while it did choose to go the BaySplosion route of Big Bangs instead of logic, it just felt more... well, like a movie about toys, and the scenarios kids would build in their own head.

We open with Unicron (think Ego from Guardians 2 but machine) attacking the planet of the Maximals. I swore that the premise of the machine intelligences that made up The Transformers didn't become trains, planes and automobiles until they came to Earth, and chose those forms to hide, but apparently these Transformers (are there multiple machine intelligences scattered about the universe, like most scifi says there are humans everywhere?) have Earth-based animal forms before they ever came to Earth. That said, their planet is destroyed and they flee to Earth thru a "transwarp tunnel" with the key to creating said tunnels, so that Unicron won't have free access to the universe to eat as many planets as he pleases.

Earth, the 90s. Token Human Noah Diaz (Anthony Ramos, Hamilton) is trying to make ends meet while caring for his younger brother who suffers from sickle cell anemia. Against his own best interests, he accepts a job from the friendly neighbourhood thug and ends up not-quite stealing a Porsche 911, which turns out to be Mirage (Pete Davidson, The Suicide Squad). Bumblebee was already the focus of the 80s-set eponymous movie, but they still need a fast, hip-talking car/autobot for the Token Human to initially be frightened by, but eventually befriend. And support him when he eventually gets all mixed up in the latest reason to have the Autobots come out of hiding to do stuff to save Earth, themselves and ... now the Maximals.

I am not sure I can talk about the movie without sounding incredibly snarky about it (I thought you said it didn't suck?), because it is not the most smart movie (says the kettle). But unlike the BaySplosion versions, its not irritatingly so, but, as I said before, feels more like a movie built inside the mind of a kid playing with his (or her) Transformers. There are big set pieces, global locales, robots punching, robots shooting, and lots and lots of explosions, but thankfully very few humans involved. This is all between the giant robots, on the latest cosmic scale of destruction and planet saving.

A thing that always annoyed me about the other movies (you have a long list of "things"), beyond the humans unnecessarily involved, is that all the Transformers seemed overcomplicated in their depictions. I always felt like they would be shedding little bits everywhere, that SHOULD be found left, right and centre by bystanders after the events of the movies take place. This is tamped down in these movies, making them more characters and less portfolio pieces for the  CGI team. Still there are events and circumstances that should be noticed and documented, but won't be, cuz, y'know the FIRST first movie hasn't happened yet.

Like the pre-quellish X-Men movies, these are attempting to stand on their own while staying connected to the originals. I guess with more success? I am thinking they need to toss in some time travel shenanigans.