3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Cocaine Bear

2023, Elizabeth Banks (Charlie's Angels) -- download/Amazon

Let's watch something dumb; where we don't really have to pay attention.

Well, that fit the bill. It was a big, dumb, silly movie without much of a point but that... was kind of the point. And it was kind of fun, if you find fun in watching stupid people get assaulted by a bear under the influence. And I guess I do.

In a long line of movies that are set in another time period, just because, and maybe because this movie was kind of inspired by some real life events, its the 80s. There was a drop of cocaine bricks, in bags, from a plane, and there was a bear who found, and ate some. As for the rest, we have vast artistic license used. And in some ways, the real life story of the bear, after it is found, is weirder than the movie. Not sequel weird, but just plain weird as only real life can be. Go Google it.

So, yes, a plane filled to the brim with cocaine packaged into duffel bags being tossed out the door, for later pickup, before the smuggler is supposed to parachute to safety. Except he's all coked up and conks his head on the door, and the chute never opens. Splat. Police investigation!

Cut to a state park in Georgia where backpackers Elsa and Olaf (Kristofer Hivju, Game of Thrones; of note, I really need to know why he voiced Jormungandr in an episode of DuckTales) encounter a coked up bear. Nice bear! “If it's brown, lay down. If it's black, fight back." It doesn't go well. Bad bear! Munch munch munch.

We then are introduced to tentative "main characters", single-mom Sari (Keri Russell, Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker) and her daughter, and daughter's friend (Christian Convery, Sweet Tooth; this kid does a coked-up kid REALLY well!!). The kids get caught skipping school and Sari has to head into the park to find, and confront them. Meanwhile Park Ranger Liz (Margo Martindale, Mrs. Davis) is trying to flirt with naturalist Peter (an unrecognizable Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family) and end up walking with Sari. Meanwhile, gangster (Ray Liotta, GoodFellas) sends his henchman Daveed (O'Shea Jackson Jr, Straight Outta Compton) and his grieving son Eddie (Aiden Ehrenreich, Solo: a Star Wars Story) to find the missing cocaine, Meanwhile Bob the cop (Isiah Whitlock Jr, The Wire) comes to the area where he believes the splat-ed smuggler must have been flying over. Convergence, in the park, and smack dab into the face of the bear. Munch munch munch, bad bear!

Also, the FACES in this movie!!

Paths cross and disconnect, the bear attacks and acts weird/funny and kills a lot.. of.. people. Its all slap stick gore monster comedy that doesn't really need any plot, but does a decent job of pulling all the threads together. Each of the character actors do a phenomenal job of playing through their sometimes very minimal roles, so unlike most of these lower budget horror/comedy movies, getting skilled people to play their part was nice -- kudos Ms Banks.

And it was a good way to waste some time, and we actually ended up actually paying attention.