3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Meg 2: The Trench

 2023, Ben Wheatley (High-Rise) -- download

Waitafucking second; Ben Wheatley of Kill List acclaim did this utterly shite movie?!?!

Waitafucking second; these movies are based on a series of novels that started in the 90s?!?!

Yeah, and you have a point? Kind of? OK then.

Its not just me who is surprised that Wheatley is directing this movie when you see Google already had an autofill for, "Why is Ben Wheatley directing the Meg 2". Most reviewers are surprised and those who get the interviews are not even attempting to challenge the choice, but they do often... question it. But all you have to do is look at his handful of movies to see that he wants to do big budget Hollywood movies, and he is willing to play in many fields to accomplish this. Its kind of a shame he never got to do Tomb Raider 2 but with the current shuffles in Hollywood, maybe he will.

P.S. The writeup for the first movie got eaten (*cough*) by the 2018 Hiatus. I really should do a ReWatch writeup. I legitimately enjoy that one.

Anyway, the megalodons from the trench are back, minus the the. The title makes it sound a movie about a vengeful nanny taking on the a band of corrupt ditch diggers. And back again are The Chinese Backers. I think I need a new mind's eye visual for what Chinese Backers look like to me, to match the Purple Suited Producers. Either way, this movie feels very backed by the Chinese film industry, but without the need to be a Chinese movie. But unlike the first movie, it doesn't even attempt at being a solid blockbuster; it knows its a stupid summer action movie, but unfortunately kind of thinks you are stupid for looking forward to it, like I did.

Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham, Crank) is no longer a deep sea rescue diver hiding in a bottle, from the trauma of his last rescue gone bad. Given he just rescued a bunch of people from a megaladon shark, he should be back in the deep sea diving business, but instead, he's an... eco-warrior? Why? So we can have an action-hero reintroduction sequence for the character.

With the death of the research platform's leader Dr. Zhang, and (in between movies) his daughter Suyin (?!?! guess they couldn't get her to return to the role) the Mana One is now led by Zhang's son Jiuming (Jing Wu, The Wandering Earth) and his new foreign investor Hillary Driscoll (Sienna Guillory, Resident Evil: Apocalypse). Of note, all foreign investor billionaires are Bad Guys, or at the very least, assholes. Also, they have a new pet -- a "baby" megaladon named Haiqi who Jiuming thinks he can do the Jurassic World / Owen Grady thing with -- Owen had his hand signals, Jiuming has a clicker. Nobody trusts that it works.

Mana One is actually doing well, exploring the scary trench below the thermosphere, Where Monsters Dwell. They have some tech to hide / defend from said beasties, but what they don't expect are The Spanish... mining pirates. Someone has learned of and snuck an entire mining operation into the trench, and they don't take kindly to the Mana One subs poking their noses in. One big explosion later and both Mana One subs are stranded on the bottom. And the cast is forced to rip-off Underwater by walking across the bottom of the trench to take refuge in the mining pirate base.  Insert requisite deaths of a few characters whose names you didn't remember. Based on recent news about catastrophic implosions, I was surprised they retained this scene. Inside the pirate base there is only one Bad Guy to punch before they can escape, aided by a scene that could only have been done to generate Outrage Articles, which in turn generate buzz for the movie -- I am pretty sure that blowing air out of your sinuses would not allow you to free swim at 25,000 feet down.

So, act one, in the trench, some explosions so as to setup the real movie -- releasing more megs that will once again gravitate towards a resort beach, and the Mana One crew will have to chase after. But not before the mid-act where they are betrayed, have to fight off mercenaries with machine guns, because... well, Chinese Backing, and make the Bad Guy Pirate (who keeps on barely surviving) cry over his chomp-chomp'd girlfriend. But whatever, we don't care about this part of the movie, as we want to see the sharks swim up to overcrowded beaches and EAT PEOPLE !

Unlike this first one, they actually do this time. Lots of people. Cameras shot from inside the mouths of the shark, mouths filled with panicking swimmers, lots of people. It must be horrible to be eaten alive. Nope explored the absolute horror of the idea, as you would survive the initial swallow only to ... well, better not to think it through. Let's just say its not likely you are cutting your way out with a knife. This movie just captures the brief shot and then moves onto the next snack. And yet, strangely, lets the annoying fashion dog live... again.

Meanwhile, the utterly stupid mercenary addition continues so not only is Taylor thinking up ludicrous ways to blow up megaladons (sharp stick, liquid explosive, jump the shark [literally]) but they are also fighting off guys with guns AND another attempt at ripping off a Jurassic movie by having, apparently, amphibious, raptor dinosaur monsters running around eating additional people. Jonas and the Mana One Crew (not a boy band) are running around the resort island (last time it was just a resort beach, this time they get an entire island) fending off bad guys and raptor dinosaur monster wolf dogs mixing it up with a few sharks blowed up a real good, a giant OCTOPUS for good measure, finally dealing Bad Guy Pirate a final measure and once again saving the day. The final act is just terrible action-movie scene after terrible action-movie scene, but still, once again, with enough funding (Chinese Backers!) to rise above Asylum.

P.S. Jiuming does the clicker thing so Jonas doesn't have to blow up the third shark, which is Haiqi -- insert relieved laughter.

One final note. Because they killed off the love interest for Jonas, from the first movie, they had to deal with the fact she had a daughter. She is now a teen whom Jonas is raising. So, following the tradition of How To Make a Sequel Worse, they added a stupid kid running around doing stupid things.

I like my Dumb Monster Movies, my creature features, but this one just pushes past the envelope of expected tropes and tries to toss in ALL the summer blockbuster elements, and fails in all cases. In a past life, this would have been the underfunded sequel made by a different producer that went straight to video. Except.... Chinese Backers.

I am pretty sure I prefer my Big Dumb Blockbuster Chinese movies to be actual Chinese movies, not Big Dumb Hollywood movies wearing a Chinese Backer mask. And with that said, the Wandering Earth II sequel to the seminal Big Dumb Chinese Blockbuster is now on Prime !!

OK, one MORE final note: there were soooooo many utterly terrible posters to choose from, I was almost tempted to do the Kent Thing and insert many.... OK I did.