3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Kraken

2026, Pål Øie (The Tunnel) -- download

Blah blah, insert some repetitive commentary about Norwegians being the only one doing disaster movies these days. But this isn't a disaster movie, is it? No, but kaiju are a type of Natural Disaster, wouldn't you say? And it matters not, as I am always there for a giant monster story, except maybe the Russian movie of the same name that came out the year prior, which struck me more as a mockbuster of this one.

This is where I admit I was entirely suckered by "Clash of the Titans" and their subbing of Cetus (Greek tentacle monster) for The Kraken, which is actually of Norwegian origin.

Johanne (Sara Khorami, Troll 2) is a marine biologist sent to a fish farm in Sogneford, a Norwegian fjord know for having the deepest waters. Something has been causing strange fish behaviour and die-off's which everyone assumes is linked to the revolutionary technology being used at the fish farm, a device that utilizes sonic waves to shake off "fish lice". Think of this as the same ecological impact as fracking, but water-based -- locals are upset with it but its allowing the fish farmer company of bring in Japanese investors, hoping to expand to other fjords.

It starts with disappearances and unexplained deaths -- tourist kids on their jet ski, local kayakers. Meanwhile something is hinky as Johanne investigates the fish farm itself; we immediately do not trust technician Georg (Jon Erik Myer, Furia), while Johanne clashes with the lead technologist Erik (Mikkel Bratt Silset, The Tunnel) who happens to be her ex and has utilized technology they developed together, but eventually abandoned. Meanwhile the daughter of the owner of the fish farm is playing junior eco-terrorist and poking her nose where it shouldn't be.

The movie breezes past any real suspense, doing a cookie-cutter approach to monster movies: unexplained deaths, grim body discoveries, shady corporate antics, old men with monster history, well-meaning scientist, even a Jaws-like "no, we can't close down the water". It all culminates in a silly battle with the kaiju itself when it attacks the fish farm -- the fish-lice tech was going way beyond its self-imposed safety specs and had awakened the beast from its slumber in the deepest parts of the fjord. Stealing cues from Deep Rising, the tentacles "chase" people through duct work and our heroine whispers, "We need to stay quiet !" Why? Tentacles are not ears, unless this movie is postulating that kaiju octopuses listen with their entire body? No matter, they run and hide, bad people are pulled under and Johanne destroys the tech just in time. BUT her and Erik rig up the remaining tech to turn it into a ... bomb? What? How? Whatever, she escapes on her own to trigger the device before being dragged down herself, a heroic sacrifice to save the people of the fjord. Does she kill it? Send it back to its slumber? Who knows; whatever "logic" is at play, it would be tossed aside for any planned sequel.

It was a silly movie that took itself way too seriously, and while it had earnest well-done performances, the characters were all paper thin and the dialogue was common place. The CGI was decent enough but the destruction was far too reserved for a kaiju movie. And yet... I liked it?

Poster commentary. IMP Awards only had the Russian movie. I was amused that Google offered me many versions of the "Kraven" movie poster... only one letter difference, right? The tag-line "only 5% of the ocean has been explored..." has very little to do with this movie.

31 Days of Halloween: The Ugly Step Sister

2025, Emilie Blichfeldt (feature debut) -- download

Or stygge stesøsteren.

The elevator pitch is pretty much, "Cinderella but from the point of view of one of 'ugly' step sisters" and I can hear my coworkers now, decrying its "woke feminist agenda". The movie does have a strong message about altering one's appearance to fit into societal moulds, no matter what the cost personally. 

Rebekka (Ane Dahl Torp, The Quake) arrives at the opulent home of her new husband Otto, with her two daughters Elvira (Lea Myren, Kids in Crime) and Alma (Flo Fagerli, Kuppel 16), where they meet Otto's haughty and beautiful daughter Agnes (Thea Sofie Loch Næss, La Palma). Otto obviously has money, from the grand stature of his home to the lavish design of Agnes' dresses. Plural. The family lives in the shadow of the Prince's castle, whom Elvira has constant fantasies about as she reads his poetry. It is a time when widows have to marry into money in order to survive, except they discover that Otto thought he was doing the same thing -- turns out they are both barely eking by. Barely, as in only a handful of servants.

Almost immediately after her arrival Otto dies and Rebekah sets her eyes on marrying off her daughters, Agnes as well, relying on the virginal nature every man desires. An invitation comes from the Prince, to attend a ball in four months time. That is plenty of time for Rebekah to have Elvira made into something more beautiful, partially through starvation, partially through reconstructive surgery on her already very normal, but not "slender" nose, and partially via a finishing school. But the cost is extravagant and Agnes challenges her spending the money there, while her father literally rots in the drawing room. Literally, with flies and maggots and bloating. This is not a faery tale from Perrault, but one by way of Grimm and David Cronenburg. Oh yeah, the starvation is helped along by swallowing the egg of a tapeworm.

Eventually Agnes, who is excelling at everything at the finishing school, while Elvira usually gets last place, is caught fucking the stable boy. How dare she sully her virgin status with the help?!? Rebekah drives the boy off, and shoves Agnes down onto the scullery floor, to assume her "cinderella" role. Meanwhile adolescent Alma, who disappears into the background, falls into the stable boy role, dressing in pants and mucking out stables.

Everything is leading to The Ball. As the tapeworm grows inside her, Elvira suffers horrible stomach pains and binges on treats from the pantry whenever she can hide it from her mother. Agnes shoulders her new role with aplomb but as time gets closer to the date, she still has a desire to attend. She even has the perfect dress and the perfect shoes, that is until Elvira sees them and tears them to shred. She is finally getting somewhere, having lost weight and the nose covering has been removed to show a slim & slender proboscis, and her braces are off revealing perfect teeth. She has even risen in the ranks at the finishing school because of Agnes's absence. She's also become a wee bit unhinged with the obsession impressed upon her by her mother. Agnes runs off in tears to her... ick... father's melting corpse, where the ghost of her mother appears. Oh yeah, Cinderella story so let's have some minor Magic Realism and the maggots become silk worms that repair her dress to its high glory.

The night of The Ball is all bloated with our, the viewer's, expectations on how things are going to go. Elvira is beautiful, even if her hair falling out had to be replaced by a wig, and she can dance well, but is kind of flatulent and her tummy growls and moans constantly. We know how its going to go. But this is not an American movie, so the climax is not at The Ball itself, but further in, once The Prince has become enamoured with Agnes/Cinderella who has to run from the dance before midnight. This movie is from Elvira's perspective, and her reaction to all her painful plans being dashed by Agnes (AGNES !!) 

So, we know there has to be a fallen shoe, and the step-sisters have to try them on, but in this movie its all happening off camera. There is no way Elvira's big feet will fit into that shoe, so why not just cut off some toes. That doesn't go so well, and the pain knocks her out. No matter, her mom finishes things off, even pointing out she did it to the wrong foot. So, five toes become ten. Buuuuut, again off camera, the Prince has already bumped into Agnes and... they have ridden off into the sunset, happily ever after. A drugged and in pain Elvira falls out of bed breaking her fragile nose and her shiny teeth. All the ugly on the inside is now on the outside. But her sister Alma, now more stable boy than potential virgin bride, still loves her and the two rob their mother and escape into the fog to have ... different lives.

The movie was somewhat painfully indie feeling. Its very rough around the edges but its strength lies in knowing exactly what tale its telling and the, yeah well "agenda" is very on point. And by very potent performances. Elvira is driven by what is expected of her, and nothing ever comes easy for the girl. I won't preach on its message, but its well told. The horror of the story comes in the consequences, the body horror, and the (even if it didn't happen at The Ball) inevitable extrication of the tape worm. That scene was all the more horrible for the reality of it all. Makes me squeamish just recalling, squick almighty!

Xmas Leftovers: There's Something in the Barn

2023, Magnus Martens (TV Good Behaviour) -- download

I never got from Kent's post that this was an actual Norwegian movie, and with all those opening shots and all that real, GLORIOUS snow, I somehow expected more of the movie. I mean, I have more of a tolerance for terrible horrible movies than Kent does, and if he kind of liked it, I thought it would be decent enough? 

No, not really.

Bill Nordheim (Martin Starr, Spider-Man: Homecoming) is Norwegian-American and is bringing his family from California to Norway, to the house he inherited after his uncle passed. They must be really down on their luck to make such a massive move. At first I assumed they were just coming here for Xmas to close up his uncle's affairs, and show the kids where he comes from, but no, they want to start a B&B.

On the land is a barn, and in that barn is a "barn elf", a "Nisser", basically what IKEA has distilled into a gnome. But like all mythos, all is not soft and cuddly and cute; there are rules to be followed when you have a resident elf, and of course, the movie is all about breaking those rules so that we can have the elf go all "don't feed the gremlin after midnight" on the family.

This is a very sloppy, uneven movie, that despite itself, was ... kind of fun? I mean, its not like Gremlins was considered Oscar material in its time, but that is it with the comparisons, because at its heart, Gremlins had heart; this movie does not really. I don't like the family, and while they are not horrible, they are cardboard "family with issues". Teen Daughter, who I couldn't get past her Norwegian accent constantly slipping through, is typical dismissive and cranky, Dad is an oblivious buffoon, Step Mom is annoyingly optimistic, but by design, as she is a life-coach, and the kid is the kid. Meanwhile, the village Norwegians are basically the country's versions of country bumpkins, present only to fill background and die at the hands of the angry elfs. You would think there would be a rule that the elfs are not allowed to harm humans other than who angered them. I mean, if they go around killing willy nilly everytime they get pissed off, you would think there would be professional elf hunters taking out the pesky buggers.

Its a horror movie, so of course there have to be deaths, but mostly its just chase chase chase, with only a few incidental deaths so the family can be dabbed in blood in later scenes. The deaths are not particularly inventive nor do they really try to, but these elfs are not exactly invulnerable supernatural killing machines. A few self inflicted gunshots takes some down and a broom handle makes a nice skewer. For the most part, they are just scary murderous little folk. And, as Kent also said, better to just rewatch Rare Exports and its exploration of Xmas Horror.

T&K's XMas (2024) Advent Calendar - Day 8: There's Something In The Barn

 2023, d. Magnus Martens - Crave

Since we were in the Scandinavian region last time (Iceland, posing as Finland), it only seemed fit to visit a neighbour with this Norwegian Christmas horror-comedy.

The film hides nothing.  There's no mystery as to what's in the barn that is teased out in any way. In the prologue, an older man goes into his barn and tries to burn it down, only to be confronted by a quick-moving, snarling gnome-like creature.

The thing in the barn is a "Barn Elf", and the old man's property is inherited by an American, Bill Nordheim (Martin Starr, Party Down) who drags his family to his ancestral homeland for a fresh start.  Teenage daughter Nora (Zoe Winther-Hansen) is viscerally upset by the move, and Bill's wife Carol (Amrita Acharia, Game of Thrones) faces her challenges with relentless optimism.  Son Lucas (Townes Bunner) immediately discovers the thing in the barn and is freaked out, until he meets a man in town who tells him all about Barn Elves and their rules:

1) No changes
2) No bright lights
3) No loud noises

With these in mind, Lucas makes friends with his Barn Elf, feeding him, and in turn, the Barn Elf keeps the barn and the property tidy, shoveling the snow, chopping the wood. But since nobody else believes Lucas, they violate the rules, piss off the barn elf, and find themselves under attack.  But turns out a Barn Elf, though, fast, isn't particularly strong, nor invulnerable, and so when the family gets the upper hand, the Elf calls in reinforcements who emerge from tunnels criss-crossing the countryside.  It's a full-blown Elf attack.

The movie aims for a lighthearted comedy horror tone, and seems to be going for a real Gremlins vibe, but struggles with the balance and the consistency. 

It's an incredibly weak film with respect to the family drama. The fact that Carol is the kids stepmom and still trying to find acceptance is handled in a pretty clunky way, and whatever the kids are going through is definitely spoken, but never resonant emotionally. When Bill finally explains his motivation for bringing everyone to Norway, it really doesn't make sense (the film could have totally talked about housing prices in the US or economic issues, but goes for "a new start" which rings empty).

I found the performances wildly uneven. Acharia was trying to hide her accent and play a pampered Californian, but none of it came off as authentic or even comedic...it was a caricature that did not work at all. Starr, who I almost always find a welcome supporting player, is tasked with the leading man role as an oblivious dad type, and despite his years of comedic acting, has a difficult time with it. I never understood where his character was coming from, what was motivating him. Both kids, though, were pretty decent.

In trying for that Gremlins-vibe, though, director Martens takes the murder to the extreme a little too often (the sight of the Santa dangling from the barn by Christmas lights with an icicle through his throat is grim, and when the elves run over the local constable with her own snowmobile and then grind her up with the tread, splattering the family with her blood and sinew...it's really over-the-top and quite funny, but way out of place in what should be a "junior horror"

There are two solid running gags in the picture... the first is every time the TV is turned on and the channels are flipped through, they're all only playing cross country skiing spots shows. The second is any time one of these Americans asks if anyone has a gun, they always receive the response "This is not America, we don't go around and shoot each other in the face".

The kills here get pretty sloppy. They're so often like that joke in Austin Powers where the guy is in the path of a steamroller, and has plenty of time to move out of the way, and yet doesn't. Most of the deaths in this were avoidable. 

I was entertained somewhat. The siege of the Barn Elves was pretty fun as was the Barn Elf mythology, but without a strong foundational layer, a base of characters to really like or care about, and character motivations that didn't feel like such cliches, it was hard to fully invest in. Even if it were more committed to the comedy, it would have helped. There were definitely funny bits ("When all was said and done, this was a pretty good Christmas" seems like a final line from a much funnier, more satirical movie) but not leaned into nearly enough.

Not that it needs to be a competition but the better watch is Rare Exports.

31 Days of Halloween: Viking Wolf

2022, Stig Svendson (Elevator) -- Netflix

So, was it called Viking Wolf because it was set in Norway, where everyone is descended from Vikings (/s as they on Reddit) or because they tagged on a tenuous historical preamble about Vikings bringing a werewolf cub (puppy!!) back to Norway?

Either way, grooooan.

In a lot of ways, this movie is presenting itself like one of those 80s American schlock creature features where monsters eat teenagers, but without the gratuitous nudity, and with slightly better acting. It never feels schlocky, except when the barely passable CGI werewolf appears on screen. But by the end, the movie plot seems to have escaped the writer & director and we are left with the werewolf example of the same bad parenting we just watched in the last movie, which was vampires. 

Post pre-amble, we are in modern day, small town Nybo, Norway. Thale (Elli Rhiannon Müller Osborne, Royalteen) and her family have been moved there by cop mom Liv (Liv Mjönes, Midsommar), from Oslo, after the death of Thale's father. The relationship was over before his death, and Nice Guy Arthur (Vidar Magnussen, Norsemen), Liv's new beau, is doing his best, but angry teens be angry teens. Thale sneaks out with a 6-pack to meet a boy at The Bay, the name of the local bay where kids gather to drink beer, flirt and pick on the new kids. Pretty Girl Elin (Silje Øksland Krohne, The Painting) is upset Jonas (Sjur Vatne Brean, Three Wishes for Cinderella) invited Thale and while she is yelling at him, they are attacked by a werewolf. Thale tries to intervene, but is knocked down before Elin is dragged into the brush.

Yes, I am naming all the named characters, more to bring light to the idea that other than Thale, all the characters have names palatable to the anglo tongue while their real Norwegian names are ENTIRELY fascinating ... to an anglo.

Despite saying she wasn't hurt, she must have been bitten or scratch or something, or the rest of the movie wouldn't have happened. Also, was she always exhibiting heterochromia, or was it just after the attack? If she just suddenly developed it, why isn't anyone mentioning it? 

The town brings in hunters to help find Elin, and the animal that killed her. The find her horribly mutilated body, and invite a university veterinarian to consult, a weird guy who looks barely out of high school himself and comments that it all does look like wolf, but very big wolf. And the claw they found stuck in a should high tree wound is a wolf claw but longer than normal. What exactly was the werewolf doing to lose its claw in a tree? And also, OUCH ! Pulling it out entirely would hurt. Also, the requisite weird werewolf hunter shows up in town, in his ratty camper van and offers the police advice and silver bullets. He's been hunting this werewolf his entire adult life -- he must be a terrible werewolf hunter.

In the usual way of werewolf movies, we wonder is it only a few nights later, or is it actually a month later because there are a lot of full moons, and Thale is really showing signs of being affected/infected. This will not be an unfortunate lunar based cycle -- Thale is going to convert to wolfie nature. Meanwhile the cops and the hunters actually track the beast down, get a bunch of people killed, but Liv shoots it dead with a single silver bullet. It does not turn back into a man.

Meanwhile, Thale and Jonas are dealing with their healing trauma via very chaste kissing, when the moon comes out and... well, bye bye Jonas. Thale realizes she has to leave town and catches a bus the next night. The cops are now confused about there being more than one beast. But Liv is starting to have a theory. On the bus, the movie shows its inspiration, recreating the best in werewolf change scenes from American Werewolf in London and Wolfen and now full wolf Thale eats a bunch of passengers before running home. Arthur fends her off with a lamp as she hesitates in eating her deaf little sister -- sisterhood above all, even bestial transformations!

Thale runs into town and begins eating people. The world's worst werewolf hunter shows up, smashes his ratty camper van into her and... well, I am surprised he lived this long. Maybe the original Viking Wolf was leaving him alive for fun; Thale does not. But hipster veterinarian guy shoots Thale with some tranq darts and ends the savage terrorizing of town. But will she end her daughter with a single shot from a silver bullet? Or will she leave room for a sequel? 

Fade to black.

OK, it was not terrible. But neither was it very good. There are some fun practical effects and some fun with reinventing the mythos, but it doesn't even attempt to have any internal logic and just bounds from one familiar trope to the next, as if their entire purpose was to shout, "Look! We made a werewolf movie in Norway!" The thing is, they could have actually had fun with Norse mythos and added in references to Fenrir, the hound freed at Ragnarok but they didn't even attempt to do anything about the Viking bit beyond the ludicrous preamble. 

3 Short Paragraphs: The Tunnel (Tunnelen)

 2019, Pål Øie (Hidden) -- download

Apparently Norwegian disaster movies are a thing now, well if three movies make a thing, and a coming fourth in The North Sea about a disaster on an oil drilling rig. I have seen The Wave and it's sequel, The Quake and I was kind of hoping this would be the third in a trilogy with poor Kristian Eikjord having yet another really bad day. Alas, its all new and not connected. This is also a more personal "disaster", the scale being localized to a single tunnel through a mountain, one of many that provide easier road travel in mountainous Norway. 

Also of note, this is not the 2016 Norwegian short film of the same name.

While everyone is hurrying to get home for the Xmas holidays, before a road closing snow storm moves in, a tanker truck full of petrol explodes in the tunnel. Primary rescue resources are cut off by an avalanche and the remaining crew , at the other end of the tunnel, has to make do with who and what they have. Stein (Thorbjørn Harr, The Last King) is a snowplow operator who used to be one of them, before losing his wife to cancer. His daughter's having trouble coping with Stein moving forward in his life (a new relationship) and was taking a bus to spend Xmas with her Grandmother in Oslo. The bus gets caught in the tunnel. 

Like many of these small scale disaster movies, it focuses on the smaller details that make up the event. Like the control room that monitors the kilometer long tunnel and has to make sense of the conditions as their equipment fails in the fire. Like the small rescue team that wants to do more, but knows the conditions are far too dangerous. Like the small groups of survivors desperate to get out of the tunnel before all air is lost to the billowing black smoke, many assuming rescue is coming as long as they wait patiently -- tragically, it is not. This movie is not about big explosions and massive body counts, but the small (relatively) tragedies and big challenges to individuals. Stein is our proxy, a stoic dedicated man who will do what he needs to in order to save his daughter, in this solid but not entirely enthralling movie.