2024, Brian Brough (Christmas Angel) -- download
Another from the leftovers bin and ... oh, gawds it turned out to be a terrible terrible knock-off of Hot Santa... wait, what was the movie called again? Oh yeah, Hot Frosty ! Hot Santa is that fashion model white bearded dude. Anywayz, as Peanut Gallery says, they are both just Pygmalion myth rip-offs.... but can you really rip-off myths?
Remember when I thought of watching nothing but off-market Hallmarkies? This should nail that coffin shut. Well, once I clean my leftovers bin out.
Meta: While Googling this movie, I found a Reddit thread from someone who thought it was an actual Hallmark movie and was shouted down, as is the way of Reddit, by people who found it to be a GAF (Great American Family - the Xian "competition" for Hallmark; Kent and us discussed it in comments last year) but its really just an off-market indie movie sold to Amazon in the US... but not available in Canada on Prime.
The Draw: Most likely because it was a gender-bent knock-off of Hot Frosty.
HERstory: Technically it starts with HIStory. We start with the snowy wintry probably mountain PST flyover and a one room shack quaint log cabin where Single Dad Ben (Brando White, Dashing in December) carves ice, for money, but is still down on his luck due to overdue hospital bills from a recent accident. The bank is denying his loan. Poor Single Dad Ben.
As poor Single Dads do, they want to give their only daughters a perfect Xmas but are short on cash, so daughter Annie (Ava Jarque, The Housewives of the North Pole [?!?!?!?]) doesn't actually want anything. Instead she wishes on a... star? Snowfall? I don't remember, but Ben says he will carve her an Ice Princess as an early Xmas Gift, something out of a book he reads to her, a princess in a Green Dress... meh, I prefer Red Dresses.
It was at this point in the viewing I remembered why I downloaded the flick -- that it was to be a Hot Frosty knock-off! So, while I lasciviously commented, "Will she appear naked?" I had to remind myself that Frosty had appeared naked but for the magic scarf he was wearing, because he was a snowman only wearing a (magic) scarf & toque. Ice Princess is carved wearing a dress, as per the story.
Anywayz, the carving is ... well, its ugly - a grimacing simulacrum of a girl. But Ben has worked hard on it, late into the night, so Annie can see come morning. But the next morning, they approach the statue and ... oh noes, its just a pile of broken ice blocks. Something weather related must have broken it! Ben promises to do a new one, but it won't be ready for Xmas. Sad Annie.
Of note, there was a severe lack of any special effects when the "magic" happened. Its a sign of how lacking in any budget this movie has.
Anywayz, Ben has to leave Annie all alone in the woods while he heads to town to talk about a job for Dick Richman (John Donovan Wilson, Santa, Maybe), a real estate bro who really dislikes Ben but needs something special for his part in the town tree lighting ceremony. Or Christmas Fair. Something community related but which plays so little a part in the movie, I no longer recall.
While Ben is out, Annie finds a pretty blonde (well, bleached blonde with roots showing) lady in a green dress lost in the woods. Magic! She's very confused; after all she's a brand new person. Annie names her Jade Frost (Emily Sweet, Boss, Your Wife is Super Cool) and invites her in for hot chocolate cuz she's cold ("..and now I'm wiggling...") -- luckily there is no need to maintain a sub-zero temperature for Jade, so the hot drink with puffy white things goes down well. Annie comments on Dead Mom; Sad Annie has magic-ed herself up a new mom! But when Dad shows up, she has to explain why this strange hot lady is in their house. Enter a lie only an 8 year old can tell -- she's a teacher at her school and there was an apartment leak and she has no where else to go, so Annie offered her the spare room (in their one room shack which is "bigger on the inside") for a few weeks. Dad, expectedly, freaks. Who are you lady? Get the Hell out of my house! I don't care if you have nowhere to go and no family and no money for a motel and... no coat! Get out of my house! Well, if the movie had more emotional energy than a damp blanket, it might have gone that way, but he does ask her to leave. But immediately after, noticing she has no coat, he relents and ... roomies! Happy Annie.
The little family has dinner, where Jade is surprised that food has taste, and has trouble answering the most basic questions about ... well, basic human interaction. But that's OK, she's a hot blonde, so Ben overlooks. The next day, Jade will need clothes other than a green dress, so Annie grabs her savings and heads to the local thrift shop. The scene decides its important to point out that Jade is good at math. After shopping comes the first trope, a stop at the local Kids Crafting Event, where Jade impresses everyone by making a very pretty stocking, and is nice to people and meets... well, low-rent Santa masquerading as a school janitor. He tells Jade the rules of Ice Princess-dom, wherein if she doesn't convince Ben to accept that Magic Made Her and still accept her as a person (which, technically, she ain't) by Xmas Eve, she will turn back into ice.
Seriously, low rent Santa gives off more ex-biker now school janitor while on parole vibes than friendly magic monger.
So, Ben has that sculpture to make for Dick Richman which involves Santa and his sleigh and his reindeer, so Ben needs inspiration from .... real reindeer. He says, "I mean elk" which makes me think of the whole European vs North American debate of elk vs deer vs moose, but these are proper reindeer, not elk. Jade's drawings are MUCH better than Ben's, so I guess magic is required for good art? This is supposed to be the establishment of some rapport between the two but all her responses are one, two or three words. This is not dialogue, this is not conversation. I know its supposed to reflect the idea she is a New Person, but doesn't it come off as weird to him? Like, not attractive? Or is this idealizing her as the perfect Trad Wife, who is pretty but has few words and fewer thoughts.
Then we get another crafting event (candy apples), key to showing how well Annie and Jade interact together, and how considerate Jade is, this time adding in some Annie complication around a boy she likes (he's a bully) and a boy who likes her. Because this movie didn't take the "learn life from watching Netflix" shortcut, all we get are more examples of Jade responding, "I don't know," to every question asked of her.
All this leads to Annie suggesting they go on a date. Ben asks Jade out for dinner, at a local busy, noisy diner where they run into Dick Richman who is jealous of Ben dating a hot blonde, criticizes Ben's choice of resto (which he is standing in, at that exact moment) and knocks over a waitress in his frustration that Jade lack of enthusiasm with his slicked back pony-tail. Dick Richman departs after basically screaming, "I'll have my revenge!". Ben and Jade go outside for churros, hot chocolate and more weird, awkward magic advice for Jade, from Janitor Santa.
Dick Richman's revenge doesn't make sense. He decides to ruin Ben's sculpture, the sculpture he commissioned, the sculpture he is using to win cred with the town mayor. Dick Richman ain't so smart. Exceeept, instead of a pool of water, Ben finds slightly melty reindeer which he re-carves into slightly smaller reindeer.... they don't even try to reference the "eight tiny reindeer" idea.
So, final day. Christmas Fair, Ben's reindeer sculpture is a success, which I guess is supposed to imply more work in the future (??) but, finally, Ben learns that Jade is not a teacher who needed a place to stay. Outraged, he confronts her and Jade tells her story, which Ben translates as Con Woman. So, the clues weren't there all along? Anywayz, Ben yells, Jade cries and runs away, knowing she is about to be iced. Janitor Santa has some words of "wisdom" for Annie (really, she should be creeped out by this creepy Santa) and then Janitor Santa asks Ben one question (which I don't recall) but it is enough for Ben to be attacked by a montage of memories scene, one where a normal person would go, "wow, she was really clueless" but he interprets as, "oh maybe she was actually a magic girl made from ice & wishes!" and so Ben & Annie hop in his broke-ass pickup to chase after Jade.
Meanwhile Jade has walked home faster than they could drive and... turned back into ice, dress and all. But never to be defeated by time-laden Xmas Magic, Ben gives the ice statue a heartfelt confession of love and as the two walk away broken hearted, the lack of special effects turn a blue light bulb on behind them and... Jade is a person again. The two kiss and will now have to deal with the complications of proper ID, her first period (as Peanut Gallery pointed out, will be rather shocking), and all the other stuff involved with ice becoming people.
The Formulae: OK, there is a PST (apparently its also called Stone Bridge which we never see any reason for) and a Christmas Fair / Tree Lighting and an Xmas Deadline and lots of hot chocolate and Xmas Activities and a Green Dress and a complication and a Dead Mom.
Unformulae: But for the most part, its pretty much not on formula, given it wants to be the Hot Frosty knock-off with the whole Cinderella midnight deadline but she's the pumpkin. There is no complicating Big City and no, common enough to all the other Hallmarkies I have watched this season, massive family house ("bigger on the inside" one room shack doesn't count). There is also no work work work to complicate her pretty empty head.
The house thing has been brought up before, but usually someone in a Hallmarkie is uber-rich. Late Stage Capitalism is a thing in these movie and unless it is imperative to the plot, usually have more money than wits.
True Calling? No, I am going to say that Christmas was never all that enchanting. They could have gone with Christmas Enchantment and that's even available, but didn't.
The Rewind: No rewind, but I cannot help but keep chuckling over Jade's utterance of "now I'm wiggling" which sounds naughtier than confused description of shivering.
The Regulars: Nobody; this is so far off track, these people are barely actors let along regulars.
How does it Hallmark? So, even a non-formula movie can Hallmarkie the #@!% out of things by focusing on the core ideal of an emerging love. But in this Pygmalion thing its kind of creepy to begin, especially with the "born sexy yesterday" trope in play. But not only can these two not act, but there is no way the scripted interactions between the two should lead to anything but horniness on his part. I am not sure she, who has difficulty understand hunger, would understand attraction. Basically I am saying they had the chemistry of wet snow.
How does it movie? Astoundingly terrible. One thing I noticed about the zero-budget flicks is a lack of background ... anything. There are barely any extras, and most don't have any contribution to the movie. Almost all shots are close ups with massive amount of bokeh. Sets are minimal, and the most basic location shots. All the dialogue is flat, the interactions empty and the characters wooden. Also, as previously mentioned, the movie cannot afford ANY special effects, not even simple lighting effects beyond a blue bulb lighting off camera.
But in some weird masochistic way, this movie was a lot of fun to recollect and write. Maybe I crave the terrible?
Oh oh, something from my notes!! At least half a dozen times, when they did the requisite "fly over shot" of the PST, I could have sworn it was done by AI, which will emerge as the poor-man's CGI in movies to come. Its chilling to consider....
How Does It Snow? In town, not at all. Like not cold, typical shot-on-a-set stuff, but when they are around his cabin in the woods, its all massive amounts of REAL SNOW with banks and snow piled high on branches.
The fact that LLMs can now churn out scripts with relative ease means these low budget studios are going to save even more money by just entering in "gender flipped Hot Frosty" with very specific locations they already have available to them. Eventually there won't even be real actors (lol, like there are now)
ReplyDelete