Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar - Day 7: A Smoky Mountain Christmas

1986, d. Henry Winkler - youtube

There's never been anything particularly "cool" about Dolly Parton. Her twangy country music was part of the pop crossover movement of the 1970's establishing Dolly as a big music star. But she also had a big personality, and an immense amount of charm, so even if you didn't particularly care for Dolly's music, she was hard to dislike. She has an innate warmth and a disarmingly gentle and playful demeanour that makes her seem like just a sweet, nice, and fun person to be around. She's the type of person who no doubt make you feel good just being around her, because she kind of makes you feel good just watching her perform or act from a distance. 

Today, the general population loves Dolly the person far more than they love her music. She's still an immensely charitable person with a big heart who seems to endorse love and kindness unironically and sell it without anyone being snarky about it. Even her shrine to herself and her passion for "folksy" Smoky Mountain life crossed with her unabashed capitalistic streak -- Dollywood  in Pigeon Forge Tennessee -- can't tarnish the near-saintly figure she casts.

Dolly, besides being a singer and public figure and activist and theme park owner, also acts from time to time. Most of her major appearances were in films in the 1980s, starting with 9 to 5 and ending with Steel Magnolias, and none of the parts were very celebrated. Let's face it, Dolly is a flat out lovely and wonderful human being, she's at best a decent actress.

Her starring role in A Smoky Mountain Christmas really lets Dolly stretch her wings playing Lorna Davis, a popular and successful pop-country music star with a folksy charm and a twangy accent hailing from the Smoky Mountains. (Way to stretch, Doll). She's having a tough time with her latest recordings and subsequent video shoot, and a creepy paparazzo (Dan Hedaya) keeps stalking her, so for Christmas she wants to get away back to her homelands of the Smoky Mountains to stay in a cabin that belongs to her best friend (who is dead, maybe? In the first act she has a few narrations to her best friend who we never meet nor does she ever get referenced again past the first act).

Upon arriving into the region, Lorna is stopped and harassed by the local sheriff, John Jensen (Bo Hopkins). (ACAB. Dolly knew it!) Not only does Sherrif Jensen have his eyes on her, but so does the horse-riding, cloak-wearing, spell-casting Jezebel, who sees Lorna as her enemy because Jezebel has claimed sheriff Jensen as her own (she can have him). Yes, Jezebel is a witch-woman.

Forging on to the cabin. There she finds the cabin is occupied by a septet of precocious orphans, or seven dwarves if you will. They all (well, all except cynical Jake) love her immediately. They call her an angel, what with her giant golden hair and always strikingly made-up face and her exceptionally clingy and cleavy wardrobe... you know, like angels have.

I can't go through all the weird twists and turns of the plot here, but, quickly, Lorna meets Mountain Dan (Lee Majors) who turns out to be an ex-lawyer from the city who ran away from the hustle-bustle and has built up a reputation as a local mythical figure of danger. They have a romance, of sorts, which involves no romance of any sort, save a big kiss at the end after Judge John Ritter awards Lorna custody of the kids, and decrees that the duly elected sheriff has been terrible at his job and can be sheriff no more, and the mean old orphanage ladies from James and the Giant Peach can no longer run the orphanage. (Jezebel ate her own poisoned pie and is in a sleep for the ages in a jail cell with one wall missing. Also Dan Hedaya's paparazzo tracked Lorna down and somehow became a good guy in all this, even proclaiming himself uncle to the orphans? That's weird and not suss at all.)

Watching from a VHS transfer to YouTube then ported to my big screen tv, the resolution was godawful (there are about five different videos up on YouTube all of differing qualities of awful... in one version, nobody had a face, it was like they were all in witness protection and their identities were blurred) so it wasn't the prettiest watch ever. The story is goofy nonsense in the most glorious vein of 1980s TV movies. It was like a mash up of a Muppets Christmas special and an Ewok adventure, but with human cartoons instead of puppets and people in wee bear suits.  Once the witch was introduced I was hoping for more magic, and for Lorna and Jezebel to have some sort of faceoff, either like Gandolf and Saruman, or a kind of magical music-off like from Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Alas, Lorna just tricks her into eating her own poisoned pie.

Dolly does a *lot* of singing here. They are typical Dolly tunes. They are what they are. Not bad, but soooo not my thing.  At one point Dolly sings a song to one of the wee orphans about loving one's self and natural beauty, a tune that in the moment struck me as ironic given that Dolly has had countless plastic surgeries and bodily enhancements...but then I realized the dark undercurrent of it all is Dolly's body dysmorphia and her own inability to be happy with herself. The song is about her trying to tell herself to be happy with herself. In this context, pretty potent. 

This movie also acts like a template for late stage Tom Cruise productions where all the peripheral characters, even the bad guys, cannot help but heap compliments upon the main character and its performer by proxy. Is Cruise a Dolly fan? Something seems very right about that.

Lorna, and Dolly by proxy, is very upbeat and likeable, wholly inoffensive to a fault. She has no sass or snark in her, she's just a genuinely nice person, and so the bad guys kind of have the run of her. She has little to counter them with. In modern contexts, Lorna's kindness would win them over, have them turn over a new leaf, but in the 1980s, the bad guys were irredeemable... mostly.

A Smoky Mountain Christmas is definitely not a good movie nor a Christmas classic, but it's a delightful retro-fest of a watch that is both utter nonsense and yet quite endearing. It's a weird movie, yes, but it really needed to be, like, twenty percent weirder in order to really develop a lasting cult following. There's a reason you've never seen nor heard of it.

Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar: Day 6 - Jingle Bell Heist

2025, Michael Fimognari (The Fall of the House of Usher) -- Netflix

Two not-Hallmarkies in a row? Yeah yeah, boo on me.

This one was actually unexpected. Sorry, its not like I turned it on by accident, but I assumed I was just watching another British movie with an American lead (see previous movie) which was to be a "Christmas Caper". That's a thing, right? I mean, technically, you might call Die Hard, a "Christmas Caper" movie? Anyway, I like me a good caper (as I am a Caper) and since our household is still firmly footed in British Land (watching a lot of panel shows) I suggested this. But yes, as I was saying, it wasn't just another Christmas Caper movie. So, be warned, to tell you how it wasn't, I will spoil the jingle bells out of it.

And yes, we will get back to proper Hallmarkies.

Sophia (Olvia Holt, Cloak & Dagger) is an American working at Sterlings, one of those mega-department stores you see in British movies, apparently only catering to high end clientele and pretending its the 1950s, the height of pretty young things catering to the whims of rich assholes. She's also a pick pocket with a heart of gold, as the "angry man yelling at buskers" establishing scene exhibits. And she uses any opportunity to pocket cash at the store, one time which gets her caught on security camera, which Nick (Connor Swindells, Rogue Heroes) happens to be spying in on. Nick's also a thief?

But doubling-down on the "heart of gold" thing, we find Sophia is just stealing money to pay for her mother's extended needs during cancer treatment. They did move to the UK for free health care, after they exhausted all their funds in the US, but every little bit counts. Especially when a doctor offers her entry in a trial study that could see her mom improving drastically, but its part of the two-tier system where people with money can jump queues. They don't barely have enough money.

Nick tries to blackmail Sophia into stealing stuff from the store's special vault, and while she initially refuses, the trial costs convinces her otherwise. Enter caper one, and the first time my expectations were tossed aside. I kind of thought the movie was moving along rather quickly, and when she goes to do the actual stealing, its... all gone. Sterling (Peter Serafinowicz, Shaun of the Dead) himself, the family named boss of the store, has reported it all stolen.

So, Sophia suggests robbing Sterling directly. He always keeps tons of cash in his personal safe. She knows this from eavesdropping. She scouts out the office, finds a hidden walk-in safe behind a bookshelf and brings the knowledge to Nick, who as we saw in the "spying on her" bit, works in security but we also learn, is down on his luck after spending two years in jail for theft. He has an ex, a daughter and a roommate who spends all day playing video games and wants in on whatever caper Nick has coming up. Nick denies everything. But he does need cash to further his relationship with his daughter, as currently repairing laptops barely covers his expenses let alone child payments. Nick knows how those safes work, key fobs with security codes. Caper two! Get the fob!

Yeah, this was the hijinx caper, one where they know they have to get into his house and the only way they come up with is "seduce his wife". How is it in these movies, when they dress the shabby young man up in a tux, they never consider him actually shaving off his perpetual three-day-scrub? No matter, if goes miserably but... the wife (Lucy Punch, Motherland) is onto them anyway. Buuuut she's into it, the stealing from her husband, whom she loathes but also wants his fortune, not into Nick seducing her. Caper three! Armed with the fob, rob his store safe!

Oh, I should mention that by this point, we have found out Nick isn't even a thief. He was actually framed by Sterling himself who had Nick build some security for him, only to use it as a manner for Sterling to steal his own goods and get the insurance money. This was turnaround for a main character, and the other... well, I should have seen it coming, but I barely put it together before it was revealed. You see, Sterling is her dad. She is his illegitimate daughter. Sterling denied her existence and it drove her mother to the US. When DNA is required to get into the safe, its hers they use. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL ! They aren't even stealing from Sterling, but putting back a ton of the shit he stole in previous events, including the goods from two years prior when he framed Nick. This caper, as designed by the wife, is to put all the goods back into the safe, call in a robbery (in cute winter themed balaclavas at that) and get the evil man arrested, after which the wife will set them up for life.

So yeah, a fun little caper-ish movie that plays with expectations, still squarely runs in romcom land and is all set during the Xmas season, so while it doesn't adhere to any really strong holiday tropes, the coming Xmas days and packed department stores play important parts in the story. Nick and Sophia seem like an unlikely pair, but that works out better for Hallmarkie style romcom-y land.

Yeah, I liked it.

Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar - Day 5: The Crowded Day

(aka "Shop Spoiled", aka "Tomorrow is Sunday")
1954, d. John Guillermin - Tubi

It's getting closer to Christmas at London department store Bunting and Hobbs, and the shopgirls are slammed.

Taking place over just one day, the film tracks a few of the shopgirls' lives, starting with the congested morning routine at the women's boarding house. There's an impressive amount of exposition and set-up in these early moments, but if it's just your first viewing (and, really, who has actually heard of this film to have viewed it more than once?) it's hard to tell all these women apart. Except there's the blonde with the high, high hair (the impression is that actress Vera Day is the British sexbomb equivalent to Marilyn Monroe, but she has the same haircut my Gramma had her whole life, so it's hard to look past), and the woman with the short curly hair and the Geordie accent who's always eating (there's always got to be one in any ensemble, huh?)...they stood out. The rest, well, it was like the female version of Dunkirk, just a lot of pale, British brunettes on screen.

The film has a cast of upwards of two dozen characters to keep track of, of different levels of import to the story. There are the cleaners, the shopgirls, the management, and the men circling the shopgirls' lives.

The centerpiece story is the on-again/off-again relationship between Peggy (Joan Rice) and Leslie (John Gregson). Leslie loves his old jalopy (if you read an Archie comic, you should know exactly what I'm referring to) very much, and it drives Peggy crazy, so Peggy in turn finds any angle to drive Leslie crazy, including flirting with the much older head of personnel.  The tumultuous flirtations of Peggy and Leslie continually draw others into its orbit, coming to a head at the big evening dance with Mr. Bunting and family getting sucked into their farce. It's pretty fun although not quite as sassy or go-for-broke as it thinks it is.

The second major storyline follows the dour, pouty-lipped Yvonne (Josephine Griffin). Yvonne is, to put it bluntly, depressed. She's been searching for her man, Michael, who has up and gone missing two months earlier. She's tried Michael's mother on the phone but she really hates her and won't tell her a thing. Yvonne can't hold her wits about her. The workplace is too chaotic and she has a 1950's panic attack and abandons her post. She races out at lunch and runs across town to talk to Michael's mother. When she tells her she's pregnant with Michael's baby, she calls Yvonne a slut and a street walker. For a 1950's film, it's downright scandalous how she talks to her. Late returning from lunch, she gets called into personnel, where she's told she has to go seek social services to help her through her pregnancy and adopting out her baby, and when that's all over, she can come back to work as if nothing happened. Yvonne, then steals some pills with strychnine in them and contemplates suicide and also is pursued by a sex pest in the streets. It's a damn grim storyline, capped off by the fact that Michael actually returned to the store and left her a message but Yvonne's bitter co-worker just couldn't be bothered. It's fucking bleak man. The rest of the film is pretty much a comedy, but every time they cut to Yvonne it's tonal whiplash.

There's more to the affair, including a commission-stealer's comeuppance and the running gag of an inept male store manager trying to help with a mannequin display.

There are definite delights and even a few shocks (that confrontation between Yvonne and Michael's mother is capital "h" Harsh! The music is ever-present and somewhat abrasive in a way that detracts from most scenes, but not enough to ruin any of them. The story's setting, both the cramped women's dormitory and the frantic-paced department store are both pretty much alien objects now, so there's a whole sense of not just another time and another place, but, like, another reality.

A compelling, charmer that goes down fairly easily...but what of Christmas?
Well, this is what you would call a movie set at Christmas time, and not a Christmas movie.

Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar: Day 4 - Tinsel Town

2025, Chris Foggin (Bank of Dave) -- Amazon

This movie will not follow the Hallmarkie format, as it is "just" an Xmas movie.

Pantomime plays, or panto, are a distinctly British thing. Blah blah, ancient Rome, blah blah ancient Greece. We are not talking history here folks, we are talking about a weird, opaque British traditional mashup of faery tales, musical theatre, pratfall comedy, old theatre cross dressing and audience participation. Its one of those things most people (focus on most readers) won't get, and not even all people in the UK embrace them. But they are ubiquitous, and apparently saying,  "Oh no they didn't !" will cause most people to erupt in laughter filled cries of, "Oh yes they did!" They also often employ celebrity leads.

Shrug. I don't care if they are actually performed here in Toronto at the Elgin theatre, since the 80s, I am not all that familiar with them.

Oh, and the are most often performed during Xmas.

Brad Mack (Kiefer Sutherland, 24) is an aging action star more akin to Scott Adkins than Jason Statham. He's finishing his latest movie when he learns its his last movie, the eighth in a popular franchise. You see, Brad Mack is a primo dick -- his costars dislike him, he's abusive to film crews and even his agent (Katherine Ryan, The Duchess) hates him. Which is why she cons him into going to the UK to "do theatre" when in fact, she has set him up with an iron clad contract to do panto in some a PST in England. He is to play "Buttons" in a Cinderella Panto.

Again, that is supposed to be something we would understand innately -- this is a very British movie.

Oh, amusing bit about the PST of "Stonebridge" in that during an establishing shot showing a rather grand old stone bridge crossing a river, I recognized it as the famous Knaresborough Viaduct from an episode of one of Marmy's British shows called "Landscape Artist of the Year".

At first, like instantly, he tries to get out of it. But he learns that he would have to cover the profits of the entire run of the panto, and that could amount in millions, "And that's in POUNDS Bradley, not dollars." His own extravagant lifestyle has him Hollywood Broke (only owns five homes), so he cannot afford to cover this.

This is a standard fare British Feelgood Movie, but beyond the charming cast of the panto, its often so saccharine, I wondered if it was being a mockery of Feelgood Movies. Its also supposed to be an Xmas romcom but the awkward casting of Kiefer Sutherland and Rebel Wilson (as Kim the choreographer) must have been so apparent, they pared it down in the editing room and reshoots and they work out better as Just Friends. You'll just have to forgive me, but Rebel Wilson (Isn't It Romantic) not playing cringe-awkward comedy is almost more cringe worthy than her usual roles. But the rest of the cast are British Comedy staples (Jason Manford, Danny Dyer, Mawaan Rizwan, Asim Chaudry, etc.) and the background characters seemed to be having more fun than the main castings. 

Its a weird little British Xmas Movie with some heart but a lot of awkwardness and (unintentional?) kitsch that I kept on feeling like someone was taking the piss with me. But maybe, like with pantos, I just didn't get it.

Oh yes you did !!  

T&K's Xmas (2025) Advent Caledar - Day 3: Christmas at the Catnip Cafe

2025, d. Lucie Guest - Hallmark/W

The Draw: Kitties!

HERstory: After an opening montage of cats playing and being assholes, knocking shit over, we jump back 30 years in time to see young  Olivia spending Christmas with her Aunt Esther as her parents jet off to London. There's a cat in a tree which she hears. The scene is maybe 30 seconds long and tells us...nothing.

Smash cut to present day and Olivia (Erin Cahill) is looking at a new condo. She seems to like it but can't quite afford it. Smash cut to her at her old condo, where she's having a business meeting, which is interrupted when she gets a message about a meeting regarding her Great Aunt Esther's estate. Olivia is inheriting half of her aunts cat cafe business... the other half is owned by Dr. Ben King and she wonders if he's interested in buying her out. Turns out she missed the funeral even. She seems like she was so connected to her dead aunt.

Smash cut to Kane Vet Clinic, where Dr. Ben King works with his sister, and apparently, despite the packed waiting room, money is tight? He's the type of vet that goes an extra mile (sometimes literally) for his clients. 

She goes to her aunt's PST, Felicity, NY(?!?), to stay and check out the cat cafe until it's sold. She spies  Dr. Ben King in the window of his clinic and is instantly smitten. She then walks into a Christmas tree. She goes to the Catnip Cafe and, hey, cats! And they're all up for adoption. But apparently they're not very particular about their beans.

Olivia wants to sell the business, as she has a developer on the line, but Dr. Ben King loves the cafe and its impact on the community, so he has no interest in selling. She asks Ben to buy her out but all his money is tied up in the clinic, so they're at an impasse, and their early flirtation has turned to dagger eyes.

Flashback! Olivia replaces bulbs in a string of lights. Wow!

Olivia consults her lawyer. Dr. Ben King bitches to his sister about Olivia. She asks him if he's bringing anyone to dinner, as he's not had a relationship in 7 years. That's called foreshadowing.

Olivia is staying at her aunt's house preparing it for the bank sale. Dr. Ben King has a key to the house, because he and Esther were better friends than Olivia and her auntie. He wanted to grab the book which is all the plan for some big cat to-do, an annual battery of events they hold that he can't do on his own. Olivia offers to help so long as he doesn't get in the way of selling the business. Already Dr. Ben King is scheming that three weeks of helping at the cafe may just change her mind.

First event, cat sock puppets. Olivia didn't read the script and she's a nervous performer. And there's like 4 kids in attendance and one old lady. By the end only the old lady is left. And it only was only 3 minutes long. Olivia thinks she can market the event better and get bigger crowds (if not a better performance).  And then Marilee (Kimberly Sustad) from Nine Lives of Christmas/The Nine Kittens of Christmas shows up and...flirts with Ben pretty heavily despite implying she's still with Sam. 

Montage. Olivia markets the hell out of the puppet show.

Olivia walks past a tree. Flashback. Lil' Olivia finds a kitten in a tree. Olivia's Christmas tree has been delivered to her aunt's doorstep so she goes and asks Dr. Ben King if he would help her decorate. They decorate and have the usual Hallmark getting-to-know you falling-in-like chit-chat. They get over their animosity, and get reluctantly flirty.

The next day, the attendance for the new event is popping, although, there's it's not a puppet show, but instead the attendees each grab a cat and a Christmas kid's book and read to the cats, and then draw pictures or something. You know, a real social community event.

Flashback to lil' Olivia reading to the kitty she rescued.

Olivia sets up a cat adoption booth at the Mistletoe Market where mistletoe is strewn from the lights everywhere and if you're caught under the mistletoe you either have to kiss someone or sing a carol. Olivia and Dr. Ben King run into the developer Olivia has been talking to, putting a bit of damper on the evening. Olivia gets invited to Dr. Ben King's sister's family for dinner. Dr. Ben King invites Olivia over to cook her dish for dinner and they can head over together. 

After dinner they learn Dr. Ben King's sister's pregnant again. Dr. Ben King is stunned because he doesn't have the forward momentum in his life that he wants. After the dinner party Dr. Ben King and Olivia talk about whether they want kids (good thing there's been a lot of talk about adoption in this film).

Flashback. Lil' Olivia is told by her nomadic parents that the kitty she found can't come with them, it wouldn't be fair. But aunt Esther agrees to keep the cat, delighting lil' Olivia.

Next event, kitty pyjama party and movie night. It's a big success. Afterwards, Dr. Ben King and Olivia talk about failed relationships while cleaning up and how lonely Dr. Ben King is. They kiss but are interrupted by the grumpy old cat who has not yet got adopted. It seems to like Olivia like it's liked no one else.

Aww, smushface!!!

Olivia and Dr. Ben King decorate for the Christmas Party, and Olivia has recruited the community to come help out. She seems to have really found her place, whether she knows it yet or not. She receives and express post letter from her aunt's estate lawyer, and it's a picture of lil' Olivia with the kitty she found. Dr. Ben King tells her it was the inspiration for Esther to start the cat cafe. It's a touching moment where Olivia's defences are down, and Dr. Ben King makes a play to try keeping Olivia in town, to walk away from her life in California for upstate New York (Buffalo again) where winter has barely any snow an it's like 15 degrees Celsius outside all the time. But Olivia isn't ready to give up her life, as much as the town and its people and Dr. Ben King have been endeared to her, and she on them. And Dr. Ben King says maybe she shouldn't attend the party, so Olivia tries to leave town, but if a snow storm doesn't turn her around, running into a mechanic who has a rescue cat from the cafe will. 

Olivia gets to the party only to find that Dr. Ben King has already signed the papers, but the contractor has befriended a cat who he wants to adopt so he's fine with not proceeding with he deal and rips up the contract. Olivia has found home with the cafe, the town, and Dr. Ben King... and the smush-faced grumpy cat who's taken a liking to Olivia.

The Formulae:Big city girl with a big city job winds up in a perfect small town where she finds love and community and a future unlike what she had imagined for herself. Rescuing a struggling small town business with her big-city wiles. Decorating a house way too late in the season. A Christmas Eve deadline.

Unformulae: Espresso, instead of hot chocolate? (At one point Olivia says to Ben "I never thought I'd meet someone who shared my appreciation for espresso") And sometimes wine. And Jazz music. And an opening song by a name brand artist (Brad Paisley). 

True Calling? No, because it's *almost* Christmas at the Catnip Cafe. The film ends on Christmas Eve.

The Rewind: The opening flashback I had to rewatch three times just to make sure I wasn't missing any important information. I wasn't. Olivia isn't even called by name in this sequence nor is Aunt Esther...which was the very least it could do.

But really, the opening credits, with cats fancy prancing and playing about, worth rewatching over and over. You can put it on mute if Brad Paisley isn't your thing.

The Regulars: Erin Cahill and Paul Campbell... two Hallmark legends, this can't be their first mix-and-match. Ian Collins who plays Frank, the Catnip Cafe's only(?) employee and doesn't know from coffee beans, has been in many, many Hallmarkies, Hallmark included. Meganne Young, who plays Ben's sister is a Hallmarkie newbie. Jess Brown who plays Olivia's best friend/real estate agent has been in a couple recent Hallmarks, and one way back in 2017. Frances Flanagan who plays Aunt Esther is all over Hallmarkies for the past six years.

How does it Hallmark? This feels like vintage middle-of-the-road average Hallmark, perfect for your Hallmark bingo card. 

Except it has cats. 

Lots of cats. 

So many more cats than I thought it would have. 

And even a few dogs.

How does it movie? Bad!

How Does It Snow? Cotton batting piled around all the edges.

Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar: Day 2 - My Norwegian Holiday

2023, David Mackay (Appetite for Love) -- download

This one comes from a previous year's downloads folder, where my hunt led me down a "Hallmarkie/Christmas in ______" rabbit hole. See here for a previous example. In preparation for this year, I started poking at my leftovers (previously downloaded, or in My List[s]) for anything to get to immediately. And because Kent started early, I was inspired to watch one before the official start date.

i.e. cheated

Of note, as this is my first of the season, I was not at all annoyed by this one departing from tropes as much as I have been in previous seasons. I have decided to soften on my mental demands and maybe give them a shot at just fulfilling the generalized Hallmark idea of fun, light, romantic movies, without the need for the trope adherence. 

I mean, yes that was primarily the "fun" in watching these movies to begin with (combined with some atrocious examples of "movie" making) but if they decide to change, I should allow that to happen. Also, I am not sure how many of this year's list will be current (as in, 2025 releases) so I might be watching as many "vintage" examples which do adhere. As previously mentioned in another post, I don't do much in the way of research, just go with the ease in availability flow.

The Draw: As I already said, it was included in a list of "Xmas in ______" movies, because I wanted to explore that. Every movie cannot be about baking. As to why did I add it to the list in the first place? Well, the number of movies in that list is in short supply, but really, should I need to explain the idea of exploring Xmas in Norway? Those Scandinavian countries must embrace Xmas like no others, right?

HERstory: We begin in a coffee shop in ... oh, some American city (Minneapolis, dude)... where a man is arguing with his GF while JJ waits to get her coffee. The call comes, "coffee for JJ" and the man grabs JJ's coffee, but his GF spits it out, "Can't you even get this right???" Turns out there were two JJ's in the coffee shop, and hah hah, one wanted black coffee and the other wanted a candy cane latte. "SCREW YOU !" yells Dick GF JJ and she breaks up with the man. Our JJ (Rhiannon Fish, A Royal in Paradise), or Jessica Johnson, excuses herself but the man, Henrik (David Elsendoor, Ted Lasso), chases after with a replacement latte. Except he stumbles and her papers going flying everywhere! Complication! Annoyance! Meet cute!

He collects her papers for her but after she is gone, he finds a last one. JJ is working as a substitute teacher at a local high school while getting her Phd and processing the grief over her recently passed on grandmother, the woman who raised her. Henrik, through some basic logic, tracks her down, giving a bit of stalker vibes, which JJ forgives, as Henrik has the whole kicked-puppy thing going on. On JJ's desk is a badly carved troll statue, which belonged to her grandmother, and which Henrik recognizes is from his home town of Bergen. That inspires him to offer her a free trip to Norway! Technically its because he already has a ticket in her name (well, actually the other JJ's name) and it Must Be Destiny! She declines, because... stranger danger!

P.S. There is that confusing toss-away line where Henrik explains, much later in the movie, that Other JJ was never his girlfriend at all -- she was his personal assistant. It rings as late stage retooling without thought, as there was no way that angry interaction ("you never remember my coffee orders!!") would be between a Boss and an Employee. They were canoodling; otherwise, why would he bring his assistant to Norway with him for his sister's wedding?

Later she has a chat with her doctoral consultant and he denies her another extension. While he is sympathetic to her grandmother's passing, he also knows JJ is dragging her ass on completing it and needs a boot in the bum. And then he hears about the troll doll and Bergen and offers her a lifeline -- take a trip to Europe with a complete stranger, go to the University of Bergen, which is renowned for its Weather Research (JJ's dissertation topic) and finish her paper while taking some time away, and exploring some of her grandmother's past. Dr. Paul (Paul Tylak, Harry Wild) is definitely her proxy-father. She reluctantly agrees, but gives Henrik some ground rules -- no chatting on the flight, then separate at the airport. He agrees. Its a weird request, especially given he sleeps the entire flight and she ... does not.

As soon as they land she starts getting her education into Bergen and Norway. The movie is rather charming in the way it plays against expectation where everyone caters to the American tourist. Henrik cautions her about talking to strangers, convinces her that the hotel sucks, offers a place in his grandmother's and tells her any hint of paying will offend her. 

The next morning Grandma Astrid (Deirdre Monaghan, A Merry Scottish Christmas), or bestemor, is just lovely, kind and introduces JJ to a weird Norwegian not-cheese called Brunost which is, and we get our running gag, "An acquired taste." Thankfully, later on, when that terrible fish dish (lutefisk) comes up, they just skip right over it; taste not acquired. 

Now, JJ is in town to find out more about her grandmother's past, so she has an agenda -- carry that strange carven doll around. Henrik's in town, after a long absence, for his sister's wedding. He has a past with the Norwegian ski team, an injury & ever present limp, and apparently the bitterness of the entire country -- there was a reason he was in the US for so long. Much of the movie is them alternating between approaching troll carvers/sellers and the preparations for the sister's wedding, on or near Xmas day. And, of course, Henrik being a gracious host to JJ, despite all the commentary about cold, emotionless Norwegians, everyone treating JJ with absolute tenderness, basically inviting her into their family, something she never had.

Eventually, the converging stories come to a head -- one carver finds a small AAA on the troll doll which is identified by Bestemor Astrid and she brings JJ to meet him -- its Henrik's Team Norway Coach Anders (Conor Mullen, Christmas in Notting Hill), whom Henrik has been avoiding, fearing the man's wrath. This fateful meeting explains when JJ's grandmother was in Norway and what happened -- let's just say there is a counting of months from when she suddenly left Norway and JJ's mother being born. The realization is actually quite moving, as JJ runs off into the wooded path down the hillside (not taking the funicular, as Astrid suggested) and the hobbling Henrik chasing up the hill to find her, to comfort her, no words needed between the two. As for Henrik, he comes to realize he has been in his head all these years, and no one in Norway is upset with him, just disappointed he never came home.

So yeah, Anders is JJ's grandfather, or bestefar. JJ has a new family. And a new love.

The Formulae: OK, despite this being an Xmas movie and them actually taking the time to show us Norwegian Xmas Traditions, it never actually feels like an Xmas movie. The tropes are there more in a background, passing manner. We get an Xmas fair, something the pair wanders through to ask about Troll Dolls. We get hot drinks. We get breakfast made. We get decorating of a tree. We walk through the tree lot, with a bit of chatting about best tree types. We get a Santa Lucia (Saint Lucy) Day event but that's more religion, than Xmas. We do get a dance, but that's for the sister's wedding, and JJ wears a flower pattern green dress. But we do get the interrupted kiss, which provides the greatest nod to the tropes as JJ halts some interrupting teenagers in their tracks, stating loudly that she is about to have a most spectacular kiss!

Unformulae: While yes, there is a PST (Bergen, where the movie is actually filmed, is breathtaking) and there is someone returning home and there is work work (JJ's dissertation) none of it plays out like they usually do. This is not about the challenge of JJ going home, nor is her work work every really an issue, just, again, background noise, beats in the movie to fill the spaces. What I am saying is that it makes use of the tropes but never really faithfully adheres to any of them, which only slightly annoyed me, especially the lacking of Xmas, giving over more to JJ's troll hunt.

True Calling? Well, it takes place in Norway and it was her unexpected holiday, so yes.

The Rewind: More of a pause and a, "Yeah, that isn't Minneapolis, that looks like... <googles> yeah, that's Ireland."

The Regulars: Fish herself has been in quite a lot of these, maybe third or fourth tear Hallmarkie royalty. I was hoping to click and see Elsendoorn was a regular in the Scandinavian versions of Hallmarkies, but no, really just Ted Lasso from our viewpoint. And he's Dutch, no Norwegian. The rest are more staples in British and European TV shows than Hallmarkie.

How does it Hallmark? I thought it did pretty good, in making me like the mains and letting the attraction build between the two more naturally than in most. I really liked how they never truly made goo-goo eyes at each other, the glossy "I just met but I love you" stares, but was more a realization of a growing admiration for each other --- they actually seemed to like each other, and like warmed into love.

How does it movie? It has a slightly better rhythm to it than most, and the humour and delivery of lines is a bit more effortless. I did my usual, after a few actual chuckles and smiles, "Yeah, I guess I am liking this one..." But to be true to this question, for me, its whether I would consider rewatching it -- no, liked but not loved.

How Does It Snow? OK this is where the movie falls down on its face. This is Norway! In December! In actual Bergen! And its about a ski-team captain! But never once, not even cotton batting, is there any fucking snow!!! The trek up a big hill should have banks of snow, and it should be cold cold COLD as the pair ogles the Aurora Borealis, but, it was likely late September. Boo. Angry boo!

Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar: Day 1 - Melt My Heart This Christmas

A Toast to Hallmarkent
2025, d. Amy Force - Hallmark/W

The Draw: Toasty and I have been blogging about the genre of budget holiday romances we call Hallmarkies for 6 years now, and we've watched them go from adorably, atrociously, wtf awful, to risk-taking, genre-breaking, underfunded Pinnoccio's that just want to be a real boy. Back when Hallmark was churning out three to four dozen of these generic tv movies each season with their competitors (Lifetime, UpTV, Netflix, all the Canadian production houses) doubling the Hallmarkies output, the unicorns really stood out. But now, Hallmark seems to want them all to be unicorns, which means that they're throwing the cliches aside, intentionally avoiding formulas and attempting (and usually failing) to be more. I know Toasty has flinched a bit at this changing of the tides, while my threshold for the formulaic Hallmarkies peaked about 2022, when I started avoiding the obviously trope-laden for the more defiant ones. 

This year, Hallmark has cut their output in half, only 24 films, and so have their competitors (I think with the commander-in-cheeze's tariffs impacting productions made in Canada, there was a lot less budget to go around... along with Hallmark's investment in competition shows and weekly series' this year), which means a lot less room for the "traditional" bad holiday romance. 

Still, you could tell from the preview for Melt My Heart This Christmas, it was going to be oh.so.awful. I had to watch.

HERstory: [I missed the first 8 minutes of this so we join this story in progress] Holly is a glassblower who is displaying her wares under the pseudonym "Verre" [French for "glass" but I thought they were saying "Vert" for the longest time, meaning "Green"] at Jack's family Christmas market and is hoping to garner enough attention to get a glass-blowing fellowship at a prestigious institute. Jack's feature artist is Bianca Bonhomme [French for Goodman] a veteran glassblower who has her head so far up her own ass she can count her teeth from the inside. Bianca's staff quits on her because she's a total B [and I don't mean "B"anca "B"onhomme] and she threatens to pull out of the the market. Jack is in line to take over the family business and so he needs everything to go right, so he pairs Holly up with Bianca. Not only is Holly a huge fan, but Bianca is her glass-blowing idol. Never meet your heroes, folks.

Bianca has switched out her traditional colourful style this year for a clear aesthetic because she knows roving the market is Walter Gregson...a media personality? Tastemaker? Bon vivant? ... a guy of some importance who has a camera crew following him around who, 3 decades earlier, tore her work apart and, despite her success, the sting has never left her. Jack tells her Walter Gregson wants an interview, and she turns total Diva and says she cannot because she's not wearing the right attire. She give Holly the keys to her studio to retrieve her "blue jacket" (of which she has a dozen) and there are some weak shenanigans. She dodges the interview.

Bianca's new style, while technically remarkable (according to Holly) bears none of her signature style, and the reaction from the masses is not just apathy but stone cold avoidance. Bianca is having a bad time. Meanwhile, "Verre" is selling out every day, and becoming the talk of the market. "Who is Verre", they ask? Bianca gets jealous at someone out-buzzing her.

Holly and Jack accidentally break one of Bianca's vases, and Holly and Jack go to Bianca's studio that night and Holly manages to perfectly replicate the piece. I mean, if I bought a genuine Bianca Bonhomme piece direct from Bianca Bonhomme only to learn that it was a forgery, I would be pissed...that's assuming that blown glass has that big a collector's market. Was the glass blowing sequence all hot and steamy? Did Holly and Jack get closer through the power of montage? Not in the slightest. It kind of skipped past both the "how it is made" and "romance" angles of the montage.

Jack's dad tells him that it's a precarious time in the seasonal crafters market game, and that "the board" are pressuring him to sell the business if this year doesn't go well. A lot of weight is put on keeping Walter Gregson happy. Bianca and Holly have a bit of a heart to heart discussing Bianca's trauma at Walter Gregson's terrible review 30 years ago, and Holly boosts her into presenting the personal work she's been reticent to put on display.

Bianca figures out that Verre is Holly at the same time Walter Gregson figures out that Verre is Bianca's assistant at the same time Jack learns that Holly is Verre [since I missed the first 8 minutes, I didn't realize that part of the set-up was that Holly had been rejected from the market previously so she submitted under a pseudonym].  Bianca, Jack, and Walter Gregson all collide to confront Holly, with Bianca feeling that her new assistant was just undermining her the whole time, and Bianca swears to keep her out of that fellowship Holly wants since she's on the board. Jack is hurt that this girl he's been flirting with lied to him, and then his dad finds out that Jack riskily admitted an anonymous vendor, and now he's absolutely going to sell the company. Walter Gregson has a shit eating grin having captured the whole blow up on video. They're all ruined.

Holly goes to Bianca to have another heart-to-heart, and Bianca finally poops out her own head and becomes a real person. She understands the hustle Holly has been going through, and Holly has ideas on how to not just win the day for herself, but for Bianca as well. It involves using social media. Bianca takes Holly under her wing and shows her some new tricks.

The next day, Holly and Bianca go on social media and show support for each other, instead of tearing each other down. Walter Gregson happens upon the scene and decides to get in on it, heaping praise on them both and awarding the market his pick of the season [for whatever that's worth...I really don't understand Walter Gregson's whole deal]. Jack's dad sees the reception on social media and tells Jack he's not selling anymore and that Jack's now in charge because he's the best. Jack and Holly reunited and have a kiss or something.

The Formulae:The most subtle Hallmarkie trope is that these treat their middle-aged protagonists like they're still 25 years old fresh out of college with no real experience in life or in really dealing honestly with people. So that's here.
Christmas market...check. 
Family business at stake..check check.
There's also the late stage complication between the romantic leads, in this case that Holly managed to sneak one past Jack in getting admitted to the fair. It's very contrived (but aren't they all?).
Also, generic romcom trope of Holly being clumsy (especially in heels)... it's endearing!...right?

Unformulae: The ways the current era of Hallmark movies break out of formulae are numerous (is a single hot drink of the cider or cocoa variety drank in this movie?) but the biggest unformulae is that the "romance" part of this holiday romance is pretty much an afterthought. Rather than being the centerpiece, the core of this film is the shades-of-The-Devil-Wears-Prada type relationship between Holly and Bianca, and the whole Holly-and-Jack think is so much of an afterthought, especially their reconciliation at the film's end where it's like "oh, Jack, you're here too? Well I guess we have to kiss then."
There's also so, so very little Christmas in this film. If not for the trees in the background and the market as a reminder, there's nothing relating to the holiday at all as impetus in the characters' lives... but that mercifully also means no "Christmas deadline" like these films so often have. If I had to guess, this story takes place the first weekend of December, which is unusual.

True Calling? Gods, no. I mean the poster of Holly and Jack, but, again, the romance is DOA on this one and not the center of the film. The better title would be a play on The Devil Wears Prada...like The Scrooge Wears Prada or something (but even that would be inaccurate, because Bianca isn't a scrooge, just a B... Don't Trust the B in Christmas Market Stall 23.

The Rewind: At one point a couple walks past the glass doors into the studio where Bianca's works are on display, and Holly in a very bright red sweater is standing right there, the couple press their face up to the glass and look in and promptly decide not to enter. It the sort of awkwardness I feel every time I walk down artists alley at comic con and I accidentally look a lonely vendor at their unattended booth in the face. It's a potent reminder that creating art is, like, 90% rejection.

The Regulars: Laura Vandervoort will always be foremost in my mind as Supergirl on Smallville but she's been a Hallmark regular for some time and was an early adopter in the Xmas romance genre. If Stephen Huszar acts in anything other than Hallmark productions, I wouldn't know it. He's a tried-and-true Hallmark hunk. Jennifer Wigmore seems like she should be a regular playing mom roles in Hallmark films, because she's a good actor, but her past credits include only three non-Hallmark Hallmarkies. Madeline Leon, who plays Holly's best friend Collette, has starred in many of the low-budg off-brand Canadian Hallmarkies. She has the look and plucky demeanour of off-brand holiday romance lead for sure. And finally Walter Gregson portrayer Darrin Baker has been in and out of Hallmarkies for years.

How does it Hallmark? It's bad!
Where it could have improved, and dared for something different: It seems like Holly and her best friend Collette live together. It would have been far more interesting if Holly and Colette were actually a couple, but in an open relationship. So Holly, let's make her bisexual, meets Jack and just wants casual fling times, which Collette is perfectly okay with. And then Holly has this love-hate relationship with her idol/mentor Bianca (at the point in the film where Holly reconciles with Bianca, it has that moment where it damn well looks like they're about to kiss... and they should have!). It would be hilarious to explore the messy complexity of open relationships in a Hallmark fashion, and it would be even more interesting to explore the uncomfortable power dynamics if Bianca and Holly did hook up... who's zooming who?!? 

How does it movie? It's real bad! 
Not even fun bad, just kind of a confusing bummer of a movie bad.
It would be delicious to take my above proposal and turn it into a Splitsville-esque farce. If only I still had any creative energy left in me at all.

How Does It Snow? There was actual goddamn snow! And it was cold, you could see people's breath. And they actually were wearing functional winter gear functionally. It's really the standout part of this movie (which tells you about the quality of the film).