3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Red Sonja

2025, MJ Bassett (Solomon Kane) -- download

I cover my love of Conan the Barbarian in my posts about those movies, both the original and the later one. I haven't rewatched the "original" Red Sonja (1985, Richard Fleischer) since the days of VHS - it was not very good, even in comparison to the others. This movie is not a remake of that, nor is it connected to the (other) attempt(s) at remakes, based on Gail Simone iconic adaptations which were going to be helmed by Robert Rodriguez, Bryan Singer and a few others. Obviously those properties never came to life. Bassett claims to draw upon the 70s Roy Thomas Marvel Comics source material for this movie, but that's a little disingenuous considering that the entire image of Red Sonja that we know today is that image -- the original Red Sonja by Robert E Howard was not even a Conan character. And she doesn't even do that well, because, well... a big breasted warrior in shiny bikini armour would not go over well, except in passing commentary on it.

I think you're wrong. I think it would go over VERY well. Hell knows that there are probably a thousand butt hurt reviews out there about how "woke" this movie is and how disappointed she is not a back-sore Amazon of a woman. And considering how much the trolls are taking over much of the USA, it won't be long before they control all media.

This is not a very good movie, but as I have said before, Swords & Sandals movies rarely are. So, I judge them by how much eye-rolling I end up doing, and how my genuine investment in the movie there seems to be. This is not one of those numerous "straight-to" fantasy movies that sit on Amazon's "if you like X, try Y" category -- those are generally made by fans of the genre but with very little skill, experience or budget, more akin to fan films with lofty ideals. There was a time, say back in the 1980s, when I would have jumped on every single one of these movies with gleeful abandon, completely ignoring their faults, my imagination filling in every gap & failing with wild head-canon. Alas, I can only watch these movies with a bit of tempered respect & irony now. THIS movie is a cut above those, but not by far.

And I really enjoyed Bassett's other Robert E Howard property, "Solomon Kane", which probably deserves another rewatch & post.

Like all good Conan-not-Conan movies, we start with a tribal society being invaded by an outside force. I hesitate to call either "barbarians" as we know that Sonja is supposed to be Hyrkanian, and we are supposed to reserve that word for the tribal people from the far north, i.e. Conan's people. Sonja loses grip on her ... little brother (?) or at least some young boy she is supposed to take care of, and she sees her mother killed. She flees into the forest and ... many many years later she is an adult and still looking for any signs of her people. Based on how easy it is to find them later, she didn't do a very good job of looking.

In the books and comics, the Hyrkanians were horse riding folk who lived on the steppes. This is exhibited by Sonja (Matilda Lutz, Revenge) being really really close to her horse. Not that close. Sonja's people are depicted like most fantasy movies do these days -- no matter what "culture" their tribe is supposed to represent, they are a mix of whatever extras live near the shoot. This is not "accurate" but is a far sight better than the days when EVERY single tribe's depiction was all (very white) British folk. But my original point is that nothing about Sonja's people looks like "horse people" beyond her having a good friendship with hers.

OK, but what DO you mean? What should "horse people" look like?

Years later, years of just wandering around in the forest with her horse? Well, years later, she comes across mercenaries hunting CGI animals (some sort of Megacerops) for their horns. That leads her to a fortress, something very classic Conan story-telling which just loved its forts on the borderlands. This fort belongs to Emperor Dragan (not pronounced dragon; Robert Sheehan, Season of the Witch), once a slave of the Barbarian King who raided Sonja's village but he fought his way out, and became Emperor, but by way of totally-not-natural use of techno-magical war machines and such. He has a tank instead of a carriage, control collars on the monsters that his mercenaries capture for him, and a city powered by a big shiny orb thing. And he's not a nice guy, having enslaved pretty much every tribe in the area, with only Sonja's people holding out. Apparently they didn't all die that day they were invaded, and his hunters have been having just as much trouble finding them as she is.

Sonja ends up in his gladiatorial pit where she meets, in a nudge-nudge-wink-wink manner, her classic chainmail bikini which was always more scale mail than chain, but pop-culture references aside, its more beach volleyball than it is supermodel. Of course, she does a good job surviving said pit and gets to choose another suit of armour which is... not much better? WTF, after making a big deal about her bikini armour, she ends up wearing a suit with a bared mid-riff anyway; essentially adds on shoulder plates and an armoured skirt instead of the mere bikini bottom.

The idea of the movie is that Sonja's people had a book, and this book contained all the scientific knowledge that Dragan has been using to Take Over the World (maniacal laughter). But he only has half, and assumes if he finds Sonja's people, and the other half, it will allow him to finish His Great Work.

Bzzzt.

Sonja does escape his city, does find her people (basically, "Hey Lady, we're over here. We always were!") but... pretty much wipes them out as she has led Dragan's army of machines and monsters against them? Why they didn't just go back into hiding in their forest, one will never know, but Sonja has to go up against him, his army and his white-haired witchy warrior woman (Wallis Day, Batwoman). Said witchy warrior woman almost kills Sonja, but Sonja's best bud (her horse) saves her at the last second. Witchy Warrior Woman reports back to Dragan that Sonja is dead and when he finds out she isn't, they stab each other. A dying Dragan runs off with his newly acquired other half of the book, which he has learned was not going to fill in the blanks on his Dark Techno-Magic but instead focused on healing and growing and all that woke stuff. He dies with Sonja apologizing for leaving him behind all those years ago, when she lost grip on his hand, but pointing out that all the choices he made afterwards were his own. Consequences, bitch! Also, he tore up the book he was not really pissed at -- I hope they have another copy. 

The movie ends with some weak nods to Conan, a barbarian king in the west, but I wouldn't hold your breath that this movie will get a sequel.

Finally, I say again, Swords & Sandals movies are rarely good and neither are many Swords & Sorcery, but many are entirely rewatchable from my vantage point. A well-tread formula with a main character you enjoy, or an intriguing situation or a fun main villain. All can bring me back to that 14 year old who would absorb anything fantasy with relish. This movie sorely lacks in those areas. Sure, its still technically above the Straight To fantasy movies I mentioned I avoid, and it has pretty decent effects and production values. But the performances are just above phoned-in, especially Sheehan, who has done some more-than-passable fantasy roles prior, and plays his villain in pretty much the anachronistic state that Jeremy Irons did in the 2000 Dungeons & Dragons. Lutz herself is ... well, bland. Sonja is supposed to be a legendary swords woman, but this Sonja states very loudly, she is better with a knife, and the back-to-nature aspects were just ... grating; is she supposed to be a warrior woman or a forest ranger? Her supporting side kicks were forgettable and the presence of monsters almost helped, especially the mild nods to stop-motion (a cyclops) but too little, too little.