Director: Ryuhei Kitamura
Year: 2004
Length: 125 minutes
The Gist:
In the pre-credits, we're give a voice over with a pile of exposition about what's happened to the world. Long story short, the kaiju have awaken and the world has united and formed the Earth Defence Force. There are also Mutant humans with special abilities. They have been collected into an elite fighting team called M Organization. (Morgan I Zation?)
In the cold open, a sub full of multinationals managed to trap Godzilla in the ice of Antarctica.
After the credits, a very different submarine, years later, let by MMA superstar and non-actor Don Frye (as the spectacularly mustachioed "Captain Gordon") is in battle with the dragon Manda. The serpentine creature is killed with a "maser blast" but it seem more of an absolute zero blast that freezes it instantly. Captain Gordon is dressed down for recklessly putting his crew in danger and costly damage to his ship. He's imprisoned for striking his superior.
Meanwhile, two M Organization cadets practice fight each other, and I assume it's a shitty Matrix riff, but it also looks like it inspired the Crank movies. One of these fighters is Ozaki who will be the lead character of the film, the other is his in-organization nemesis who calls him weak for having compassion, but he will gain the respect of later, as is tradition.
The EDF have discovered a 12000-year-old Cyborg Monster from outer space that they discover has the genetic "m-base" that all the mutants have, meaning the mutants are a product of - or evolution as a result of - this kaiju. The monster, they are informed by the Shobijin in a telepathic vision, is classic Godzilla villain Gigan. It was defeated by Mothra way back when, but Mothra that he's an omen of ill tidings, and then informs Ozaki that he has evil in his blood but he has a choice as to how he behaves, and then depending on how he acts it will determine if Monthra helps humanity or not. Mothra's always delivering ultimatums.
Rodan attacks "New York". It's CGI designed which finally gives Rodan some real speed, but it's a sloppy hybrid of suits, miniatures, digital and practical. It doesn't really work. Even less the horrendous CGI animated 'Zilla monster (basically a low-budget approximation of 1998's Godzilla) attacks Sydney. All the major and minor Toho kaiju attack major centres all over the earth all at once. The brief moments we spend in these other locations are cartoonishly vignettes. The husky kid in Vancouver bashing his Godzilla toys together while watching footage of the monster on TV has chocolate smeared all over his face.
Just as quickly as the monsters appear, they disappear, teleported away by a UFO that then appears above the EDF headquarters in Japan. These tekno emo alien, the Xilians, unconvincingly tell that the humans of Earth that they are friends, warning that Gorath is hurtling towards Earth to cause the end of everything. Earth needs to fire all their weaponry at it in order to survive, according to the Xilians. But there's something off with them, something odd about them appearing just as the EDF discovered Gigan. And it appears they've been replacing world leaders with carbon copies that don't blink.
EDF scientists secretly discover that Gorath is a hologram, and expose the Xilians on a television talk show, where the handsome, stylish, maniacal "X" kills the Xilians leader and takes over. X seems to have telepathic powers, and he mind controls all the mutants except Ozaki. X also sends all the Kaiju under his control back to the major cities to resume the destruction. After a motorcycle chase that plays on Mission Impossible II's motorocycle gun fight, only next level and terrible-looking, Ozaki frees Captain Gordon. They hatch a plan to plow through the Xilians defences to Antarctica where they will free Godzilla who will take on all the kaiju and, hopefully, they can trick into destroying the Xilians mothership. X awakens Gigan, but proves no match for the king of monsters.
Godzilla works his way up the Eastern Pacific, destroying every kaiju in his wake. Except X dispatches Monster X who can monster fight like no monster before. Mothra enters the fray but has to face off against a super-ultra Gigan. Ultimately when Godzilla seemingly defeats Monster X, it transforms...into King Ghidorah!
Ozaki meanwhile faces off against X as the mothership burns around them, learning that the Mutants are basically genetically the same as Xilians but that both X and Ozaki are a one-in-a-million Mutants with cosmic-level powers. It's more Matrix fight riffs as well as Ozaki's Neo-esque, you-are-The-One awakening.
Godzilla is close to defeat from Ghidorah, who is draining him of all his energy, but Ozaki uses his newfound powers to supercharge Godzilla who tears Ghidorah's heads off.
With all the kaiju and Xilians defeated the remaining main cast of humans (Ozaki, Gordon, a couple of ladies, some political figures, etc) face Godzilla eye to eye, but Minilla (yes, Baby Godzilla's in this film, looking very retro) and his child friend both get in the way of the fight, indicating that it's time for the humans and Godzilla to stop fighting. An unlikely truce, but a truce nonetheless.
Godzilla, Friend or Foe:
Frenemy
The Samesies:
We've had plenty of aliens come to Earth preaching peace only to be deceiving the humans and needing Godzilla's help to destroy them in the Showa Era. This is another one.
The Differences:
This film is saturated in blue, which film language teaches us is the colour of a technologically advanced but dystopian future. It's the first time I can recall a Godzilla film having colour coding like this (it's mainly used as a mask for the bad CGI, but it's also a choice, I guess), and while not Godzilla's first future-set feature (that'd be Destroy All Monsters), it's the first to really step beyond present day.
There is so much non-stop action -- abnormal for a Godzilla film -- that it's really too much for any of it to be done well on a Godzilla movie's budget. It's fairly Power Rangers-y, in that it looks like a made-for-tv effects.
It has a corny soundtrack that isn't an orchestral score. Instead it's a tekno-metal shredding guitars soundtrack by Keith Emerson, Nobuhiko Morino and Daisuke Yano). It feels like 2004 by way of 1997. It's probably the most wildly different score since Masaru Sato's surf-inspired soundtract to Ebirah in 1966.
At over 2 hours, it's easily the longest of all the Toho Godzilla movies to this point.
Anyone worth caring about?
Oh god no. This is an entirely spectacle-driven movie. While Ozaki is the main character and, I guess, has a journey, there are no pains made to invest the audience in him at all. The fact that his "chosen one" arc basically doesn't come into play until the third act and is all laid out for him by the villain highlights it.
Wait... I care about X. He was just trying to set up earth as a farm and humanity as cattle. He's got an entrepreneur's spirit with a rancher's heart. I found Kenji Kohashi's performance charming and delightful.
The Message:
How can we defend people without a heart? It's just a line in the movie, not really a mission statement.
Rating (out of 5 Zs): ZZz
Bonkers, in good and bad ways.
Sleepytime Factor:
There is entirely too much going on to find it boring. I mean, I rolled my eyes a lot, but I was never bored.
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