Saturday, April 1, 2017

3+1 Short Paragraphs: Underworld: Blood Wars

2016, Anna Forster (TV including Criminal Minds, Outlander) -- download

OK, this is one of those prime examples of where a movie is so bloody (pun intended) lack luster, I barely remember anything about it. It is not that its entirely a bad movie but that it is just completely, undeniably forgettable. If I remember anything, it was that it surprisingly had an in-depth plot, not that I exactly remember that plot. The movie just ends up being a jumble in my brain of bits-familiar-from-previous-movies and a few visual elements. Maybe the movie would have paid off more, in theatre, with no distractions, but I doubt it.

When Last We Left Selene, she had a daughter. A clone daughter? Cannot recall. Underworld: Awakening was also so forgettable/boring that I never even posted about it. It was set 12 Years Into The Future where vampires and werewolves (ok, Lycans) have been hunted into extinction. Yet this movie seems to have forgotten that altogether, but for a off handed comment about there being very few vampires left. But all through this movie, the humans wander around seemingly oblivious to the gothy Vampire The Masquerade rejects in their midst.

Again, the vampires and were lycans are at war, and yet again, another mysterious & skilled leader of the lycans has emerged and the vampires are fearful of him, but not fearful enough to make use of Selene. Remember, since the first movie, she has not been very popular. I guess she became even less popular in the last? Anywayz, they have to trust her, enough to find the Arctic Vampires (snow elves?) who will help them... uh... help them, something. Find Selene's daughter? Selene dies, comes back, gets some sexy white locks in her hair and defeats the lycan's new leader, who has been using the blood of Michael (her beau from the first movie) to make himself Super Lycan.

I don't get it. This is a franchise of middling success, yet they seem to make less sense than even the Transformers movies. There are plenty of incredibly stylish and creative action sequences, wonderful costuming (albeit 90s RPG) and Kate Beckinsale always sells Selene. So, why leave them so bland? Maybe its time for a reboot, with a new, young hot thing to don the leather bustiere over rubber jumpsuit? But maybe we can applaud Kate hanging onto the pistols? Maybe they are waiting for Eve to come of age...