T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 23 - Dashing Home for Christmas

A Toast to HallmarKent: Dashing Home for Christmas - 2020, d. Amy Force - CityTV

The Draw: 

Because I'm a glutton for punishment. I've got a backlog of Hallmarkies that I *could* write about but when I'm doing "A Toast to..." I basically need to either make notes while watching or watch the whole thing again.  I just don't feel like watching anything I've seen again.  

I've come down with my traditional "I'm on vacation now" illness, so I'm laying in bed with a laptop to write on and my phone to watch the movie and so, here I go with some off-brand, Canadian-made, holiday romance, chosen only at random in as much as the picture featuring the lead couple showed TTC streetcars in the background so that was my deciding factor.

HERstory: 
Establishing shots of Toronto.  Many, many, many establishing shots of Toronto.  Establishing shots with heavy, heavy snowfall.  So are we to assume this is Toronto and it's snowing heavily?  You'd think so, right? Wait for it...

Management consultant Emily is trying to get her client to see that whatever spreadsheets she's presenting and jargon she's spewing is the right choice but that maybe thinking about it over the holdays is for the best.  At this point, we're not exactly clear as the viewer that she is not this man's employee.  It's subtle.  But Emily actress Paniz Zade is not pulling off the corporate speak very convincingly (mainly because it's not well written).  Anyway, the point of this is less the business talking and more that she's running late for her flight.  She mentions that she's made it from downtown Manhattan to her seat in less than 30 minutes before, but I don't think she's ever tried to make it from Front Street in Toronto to Pearson in the same amount of time...that is unless she's flying out of the Island Airport at which point she might be okay.  There is inclement weather that is troubling her though, and her rideshare is waiting outside for her.  So, of course, with these three things (being late for flight, ride share waiting, and weather troubles) she stops to call her family to tell her she's on her way.  Precious minutes, Emily!  Call them from the car, or the airport or ANY OTHER TIME!

Outside, where it's kind of sunny (you can see the cloudy blue sky in the reflection of the building) and not the heavy snow flurries the establishing shots presented, Emily has her jacket wide open, no gloves or hat, like it's, say, mid-springtime in, looks like Barrie, despite all the Christmas decorations and the Santa around the front of the building.  She mindlessly runs into a woman carrying presents on the snowless sidewalk and helps her pick them up.  She donates some money to the charity Santa to show she's a good person deep down, and she rushes to the edge of the sidewalk where, Simon, a handsome, towheaded, bespectacled man of appropriate romantic age in a light jacket and not-jaunty-enough scarf is totally in her way with his many many bags.  Why Emily cannot negotiate around his bags on the hundreds of surrounding meters of sidewalk is unclear.  Her ride share drives past (do they do that?  0-stars for that driver.  Shit.) and she steps into the street with her wheely bag, only to accidentally trip over it and Simon comes to her rescue, ish.  He feels bad, and offers her a ride in his car share.  

Smash cut to the now very snowy highway establishing shot, but then cut to the interior of the car which has superimposed background scenes of downtown Toronto with heavy digital snow.  So what is it, are they on the highway, or are they downtown? Simon talks Emily's ear off as Emily tries to ignore him while texting her family.  Rude much?  Emily apologizes, he's in sales and likes to talk, so he decides to bug the driver who has to negotiate the messy snowy Toronto terrain with Toronto's notoriously aggressive drivers, but hey, what does he really need to concentrate on?

At the airport, where it's stopped snowing again, Emily gets pulled aside for additional security check.  The security lady doesn't like Emily's attitude and takes seeming great pleasure in sifting through all her things and messing up her neat packaging job.  Emily, hurredly repacks and knocks her wallet on the floor, and doesn't notice.  Bound to be a problem.

Emily gets to boarding (which seems to be the front of an office building, but I digress) and Simon is right behind her (it's not a long line, just the two of them).  Emily finds that her premium class seat was given away while she was in security and she's only offered a middle seat which she is none-too-pleased with (jeez, Emily, you're in a rush, take what you can get) and she starts to get all particular with the lady checking her in.  Simon offers to exchange his aisle seat for her middle seat since he feels guilty about his luggage getting in her way, or whatever.  Okay, I get that she was delayed by security, but Simon arrives behind her in line for check-in... they got to the airport, for the same flight (to Seattle apparently) at the same time. So why does he arrive behind her in line.  Maybe he had a huge problem with his many bags of luggage? Or perhaps needed to take a big ol' poopy? Who knows, just weird.  Emily offers to buy Simon a drink on the plane.

All Seattle flights are being diverted to Butte, Montana due to a Polar Vortex. Looking at a map, the flight path from Toronto to Seattle... yeah, Butte is on the way.  Checks out.  In the holding pen, Emily is the last to find a seat, because she was probably being a nuisance to some poor flight staff about when they were taking off again.  She finds a seat next to Simon (after he moves his many bags). He again tries to engage in small talk but she just wants to listen to music and do her spreadsheets (no XMas deadline as far as we know yet). But the flights are grounded for the night.  

At the hotel, Emily discovers her missing wallet, much to the delight of the desk clerk who really doesn't like Emily's attitude.  She releases her room, which Simon swoops in and takes up with the desk clerk completely swooning over our be-spectacled hunk.  Simon offers Emily to share the room, and the desk clerk is not pleased especially after she just upgraded the room for Simon to the Honeymoon Suite.  The porter expects a tip, and kind generous Simon, somehow, doesn't believe in tipping I guess as he just goes in the room leaving wallet-less Emily out there.  

While Simon is in the bathroom, Emily calls home, and of course the topic of conversation is about the cute guy she just has to spend the night with.  After the call she both checks Simon for a ring, and for a cute butt.  But in the bathroom, Simon has left a mess of things all over the place.  Toothpaste in the sink, splatter on the glass, toiletries everywhere.  Why the extra toilet paper is half unwrapped I do not know.   Emily, cleans up, then tries to run the shower but there's no hot water, and when she comes out of the bathroom she finds that Simon is in the Honeymoon Suite tub, the insinuation that he used up the hot water (really? What hotel has ever run out of hot water?)

Turns out both Emily and Simon are seasoned travelers for their jobs, but that doesn't explain why Simon has so much luggage.  Experienced travelers pack light.  Have you never seen Up In The Air? 

They have Honeymoon Suite chocolates (Hershey Kisses - it is Butte afterall) with champagne (out of big ol tumblers?) and have chit-chat about their holiday plans, relationship talk, and their family life (Simon has no siblings and dead parents so he spends Christmas with college buddies, Emily is visiting her parents and pregnant sister for XMas).  What I basically don't believe is that these two very attractive, seasoned road warriors don't just get it on for one fleeting night.

Like, 5:30 am Emily needs to run to see if she can catch an early flight because her sister's in labor, but the flight desk doesn't open until 6:30 am (it is Butte afterall), but the desk lady says given the ice outside that maybe no flights are taking off today, and suggests she go rent a car asap.  But without her wallet, no credit card or license, she's kind of stuck.  Emily gets a bit flirty with The Mr. Rental Car Agent and he decides he will help her out, but he cannot rent her a car without a valid driver's license.  He can rent her the car, just he needs *someone* with a valid license.  Enter Simon who agrees so long as he can play the tunes which is aggressive rock music which is like strike two for Simon.  Emily's sister calls, noting that her labor pains were a false alarm, but the call is taken over the car speakers where there's a little "Cute guy" talk before Emily frantically turns off the car speakers.

There's a moment on the drive where Simon says he's hot, Emily says she's still wearing her jacket.  "Good thing we're not dating, we're totally incompatible".  Uh, yeah, because people who run hot and people who run cold are such a terrible mix.  They have a quick stop to view the Greenscreen Rockies.  And... time check, I'm only HALF WAY THROUGH THIS FILM.  Are they going to play the 8-hour drive to Butte in real time?  

Oh, mygod, Simon's luggage is strapped to the roof of the car.  

I just realized that they had a choice between a compact or a passenger van, and Emily chose the compact?  I mean, when you're driving in the winter a compact isn't preferable, not the most sure-footed on winter highways.  Plus, the passenger van would have been good for Simon's luggage to be *not* exposed to the elements.

At a diner, Emily gets very picky about her meal...very, very picky.  Like, annoyingly picky, like, the-diner-staff-is-definitely-spitting-in-her-meal annoying.  Simon tips big to the waitress, so what was the deal at the hotel, Simon?

Caption: "450 miles to home."  Transactional Emily, and Sensitive, Aggressively Cheerfyl Simon both discover they love Christmas music.  Then they blow a tire.  Simon wants to call roadside assistance, but Emily changes out the spare.  Back on the road, Emily finds there is a once-a-day train that will get them home but they just missed it.  While inside, the rental is towed.  Emily is crushed.  But it's only December 23rd, so hey, all is not lost.  They can go to the hotel across the street and catch the train in the morning.

They get separate rooms at the hotel, and a loneliness montage plays over a hushed singing non-standard Christmas tune.  They meet cute in the hallway and go for a walk on "the cute little main street" which I think is just Queen Street East, definitely not "cute".  They find the only little patch of snow on the street and make snowballs, while Simon juts off for literally 30 seconds to throw out trash, only to return with a gift bag containing wine and snacks and sandwiches.  He says everything else is "closed for the holidays".  It's December 23rd.  Nothing should be closed for the holidays yet.  What kind of effing "small town Washington" is this that its shopping closes two days before Christmas?  It's not like it's even nighttime yet, it's still clearly daytime.  

Drinking their wine and eating their snacks and, as far as I can tell, whitebread and butter sandwiches, they bond over their love of the Muppet Movie and then a jazzy Christmas tune plays over a montage of them having fun, which ends with Simon getting a text saying that bro-Christmas-hang is off.   With his Christmas plans falling through Simon is bummed and calls it a night.  Emily's phone interrupts a mildly tipsy attempt at a kiss.

Emily's sister calls, and Emily realizes what a great guy Simon is, and mentions that it'll be Christmas Eve when she arrives and they haven't decorated the tree yet.  Mom on speakerphone basically invites Emily's travel companion over for Christmas, which, I mean, we all knew that's where this was heading from like, minute 10 all along, didn't we?

While waiting for the train, a man carrying Christmas gifts trips and spills them all.  Simon gets up to help, and say "wait here".  He disappears for 20 seconds, enough time for the guys to say to Emily "I don't know where you found him, but don't lose him."  Who just says that?  Anyway, Simon returns with a gift bag for the guy to carry the presents in.  Simon is just the master of disappearing for less than a minute and returning with needful things...or, well, gift bags.

The train is cancelled and everyone leaves the platform for the bus station.  A nice woman offers to change seats so that Emily and Simon can sit together (because, he's cute).  Simon leads a carolling on the bus, which isn't annoying at all, but some people seem into it.  With 20 minutes left, Emily reads a text from her boss about suggested headcount reductions for her client, and Simon, nice guy Simon, isn't very keen that Emily's job involves getting people fired.  He thinks it's a sign of a flawed character and gives her the cold shoulder.  

In Seattle, they say their goodbyes, but Emily, basically, is rejected by Simon, who is being so judgey about her job. After parting, sad Christmas music plays while Emily looks at photos her and Simon took on their journey together.  A pep talk from her sister tells her to turn around and tell the boy how she feels, surely he'll come around to knowing there's more to her than just her job.  She's actually a good sister.

Upon returning to bus station, she finds Simon walking around with gift bags (where does he keep getting those), and it turns out he's got all this luggage and stuff packed full of toys for the toy drive.  He's going to hand them out on Christmas to the kids.  Is that how Toy Drives work?   They talk, they kiss, she brings him home for Christmas, because he's her Christmas gift this year.

The Formulae:
Okay, I was pretty surprised to find this didn't really sit with the usual holiday romance formula, but instead was attempting a hybrid of Planes, Trains and Automobiles with Up In The Air on an extremely modest budget.

There's the looming Christmas deadline that Emily has, although it's just a bit of background noise that's not clarified until it really becomes a problem in the 20-minutes-to-go complication spot.  And yes, there's a 20-minutes-to-go complication. Sigh.

The leads are frequently (and prematurely) mistaken for a couple...at the hotel, at the train station, at the diner.

Oh, the almost-kiss that gets interrupted, this time by a cel phone.

Unformulae: 
I thought for a moment at the beginning when Emily donated money to the charity Santa that he would turn out to be a magical Santa, and that there would be silly Christmas magic, but nope.

At this stage I think there's been a few "gotta get home for Christmas" road movie romances (I believe this year's Time for X to Come Home for Christmas on Hallmark was a road movie) so it's not that unformulaic... but still not the most conventional of Christmas romances because there can't be any decorating montages, cookie-baking/flour fights in a kitchen, or Christmas tree shopping sequences.

True Calling?
Enh, close enough.  I wouldn't say Emily was just "dashing home real quick" though.  Especially since she left on December 21 which is like 3 days early for the big city girl to be going back to her...big city hometown.

The Rewind: 
When Emily and Simon meet out front of the office building, there are seemingly weird greenscreened shots with downtown Toronto backdrops behind them.  I was wondering why, when they clearly did some shooting in Toronto, they were greenscreening the backdrops.  It turns out they shot that scene in Barrie (which must be a newish building since I last lived in Barrie in the year 2000), so any wider screen sequence needed to have a bigger city backdrop than Barrie, Ontario.

Seriously, those sandwiches were just bread sandwiches. 

The Regulars:
Director Amy Force (sounds like a GI Joe name) is a recent upstart in the off-brand Christmas romance movie world with this, Christmas In the Rockies, and Christmas on 5th Avenue, in the past two years.

Paniz Zade is an Iranian-Canadian actress who has appeared in a few different off-brand holiday movies (including Christmas in the Rockies and Santa Squad).  She's got an appealing presence but I don't know that she ever quite finds the character of Emily in this, but it's not really her fault since the script doesn't give her a consistent thread to pull on.  The key to successful movies is heightening the characters so that they really go on a journey (not physically but emotionally).  By the end of this Emily is just sort of like "hey, I kind of like this guy" and he's sort of made her a little bit less self-involved as a person.  It's not a dramatic enough swing, it's too subtle.  I get that they didn't want her to be a raging bitch, as they seed in enough niceties to make her not a monster, but maybe that's what she needed to be, more of a monster, though with layers underneath that Simon brought out...?

They see fit to make Emily's family reflect Zade's diversity, somewhat, with her sister played by an Italian Canadian, her dad played by a Canadian actor of indeterminate descent, and her mother played by Valerie Buhagiar, the Maltese-Canadian actress who was the host of Showcase Review which was one of my prime venues for discovering a wider world of movies in my late teens and early 20's. Love her.  But given all that, Emily's family is clearly not the "Nichols" family.  I don't know why they couldn't have just tweaked the script... but I have to remember these are made for selling to Lifetime or other American networks where "foreign sounding last names" are off-putting ...or something.  

Adrian Spencer, who plays Simon plays a bit role in another off-brand holiday romance Christmas in London.  He is indeed handsome, but again, they don't really find the character in the script to really make him stand out.  He's a nice guy, he likes to talk, he's a generous person, but he needs more extremes.  A messy bathroom or bad taste in music doesn't really cut it.  The dead parents are one thing, but even that he seems over and accepting of (he's a "look on the bright side of life" kind of guy), but he seems to be getting sad about being the last man standing in his group of single friends... but not nearly sad enough.  He doesn't have enough soul to really connect with, he's just ... nice.  

How does it Hallmark? 
It's got all the cheap movie trappings of a Hallmark, but a mildly better story.  The performances needed more life to them, more humour (the characters "joke" with one another but it's pretty weak how they do it), more drama.  It's a better example of the off-brand movies, but very middle-of-the-road compared to a typical Hallmark.

How does it movie? 
I don't fault it for ambition, but they didn't have the budget to pull it off. 

Did I enjoy it... kind of, sort of.  There was enough terrible set decorating and weird wtf moments to be entertained, but it started feeling long in the tooth about halfway through, and the late stage "complication" was kind of bullshit.  I did like the reconciliation moment though... and then there was 4 unnecessary minutes of Simon at the Nichols house because they ran short on time.

What this movie really needed was some legit steaminess. Zade and Spencer make for a good looking duo, and it's hard to believe that given the situation they wouldn't be hitting it.  I know that's not what these Christmas holiday romances do, but that's really what this needed.  If you wanted to make it weird and awkward, how weird and awkward would it be had they hit it that first night in the Honeymoon Suite, then she gets up to leave, very early, and then needs his help with the car and they're stuck together actually, you know, having to find out about each other.  If this was a "supposed to be a one-night-stand but then becomes something more" story... that, like, quadrouples the interest factor. You need a complication?  Sex makes things complicated.  Letting Zade and Spencer introduce a lot of sexual tension and confusion into the mix would have made this ...well, not a real movie, but certainly a better one.  

How Does It Snow?  
Fakey fakey fake fake.  Real snow in establishing shots though.  Toronto was getting hit hard.

T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 22 - Zoey's Extraordinary Christmas

2021, Richard Shepherd (Dom Hemingway) -- Roku/Download

I literally squee-d when I saw this on IMDB's trailer list, as I did not know it had happened. Despite the series airing on one of our OTA channels (NBC), I did not have access to the Roku Channel where this Xmas special aired. But pirates to the rescue, as I quickly DLed from one of the few sites that are still live these days.

Season two ended, unfortunately the final season as the show was cancelled, with Zoey (Jane Levy, Monster Trucks) finally connecting with her long time friend Max (Skylar Astin, Pitch Perfect) not long after he father's death. Xmas is coming upon them and Zoey is doing her usual spinning out emotionally over it being the first Xmas without her dad. Everyone wants to go their own way, Mom (Mary Steenburgen, Justified) wanting going to Hawai'i with fellow widow Deb (Bernadette Peters, The Jerk), and her brother & wife spending the season with wife's sister. Zoey wants them to all stay and do a Perfect Dad Style Xmas. Of course, Zoey gets her way.

Yeah, while I am still charmed by Zoey and her musical antics, the secondary plot concept, in that Zoey is so fucking awkward and emotionally stunted, she often ends bullying people in directions she believes she needs to go, somewhat annoy me. I get they were distilling a possible season 3 into a single two hour Xmas Movie, but despite having plenty of tokens of charm and sweetness throughout, I was not as squee-ed about the whole as I hoped.

It starts off fine enough, with Zoey not so jazzed about Xmas but doing a trip to the mall with Mo, which ends up as an Xmas musical number, because of course. It was a perfect way to remind us of the show's conceit as well as highlight Xmas. But the centre plot involves the yet unresolved grief present at the end of the season. 

Zoey's Dad (Peter Gallagher, Grace & Frankie) did the perfect Xmas planning, at least at the heart of Zoey's memories. And Zoey needs to recreate them down to every detail. So, amusingly so, we get some of the Xmas Hallmarkie tropes. We get a Xmas Tree hunting scene, where Mom meets a hunky Xmas tree lot owner Jack (David Jason Elliot, J.A.G.). And we get a terrible attempt at making Xmas Dinner all by yourself, not quite montagey but very familiar. Why do people who don't cook think they can do everything all on their own?

We also get the most touching scene reconnecting Zoey's Dad with her, after the terrible accidental destruction of their beloved family snow globe. Singing and dancing to the Judy Garland "Have Yourself a Merry Christmas", Zoey's Dad returns via her power, and the two interact in black&white, revealing the scene in the snow globe itself. Its these kind of scenes that I wish the show would more embrace, as it is the heart of Zoey's powers. Alas, the show seems intent on the discomfort prevalent in standard American TV, especially when Zoey's best friend Mo overpowers the Xmas Musical Play staged by the daughter of Mo's daughter. Mo is GOAT of musical numbers even when not in one of Zoey's heart songs, and he believes he knows what is best for the kids' musical numbers. He doesn't.

Eventually everyone, including Zoey and Mo, understand the true meaning of Xmas and all end up and Max and Mo's resto, which is open on Xmas Day for Mo's traditional Xmas day for LGBTQ friends who are all alone on that special day. I get it, as we have not been around any family for Xmas Day in a long long time, and we even used to host our own Orphan's Xmas Day for those without family. But it also gives us fans an excuse to drag all the characters of the show together for one last time, for one last "episode", as the show fades into the ether.

Bye Zoey...

T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 21 - A Christmas Movie Christmas

 A Toast to HallmarKent: A Christmas Movie Christmas - 2021, d. Brian Herzlinger - CBC Gem

The Draw:
This popped up in 2019 on one of my podcasts as a fun playing with tropes.  So I made a note to keep an eye out for it.  Of course, meta Hallmark-esque movies have shown up with a lot more frequency in the two years since.

HERstory: 

Self described "quirky" girl Eve Bell loves Christmas romance movies, watching them all December long.  She particularly loves Christmas in Christmas Cove which she watches repeatedly, even while she's at work.  She's a copy editor who wants to do design work but her boss doesn't even know her name.  She lives with her sister Lacey who just got stood up on her Christmas Eve date (Which apparently happens a lot).  Their apartment has no heat and the electricity is on the fritz.

Eve doesn't really go out, and Lacey has been on so many dates, she's possibly exhausted the city supply.  They pass by a charity Santa just as Eve was wishing she could be in a Christmas romance movie.  Lacey also makes a wish silently. That night, as the women sleep, Christmas magic happens.

When they wake up, Eve and Lacey are in matching Christmas pyjamas and their hair and makeup done, and in foreign surroundings.  "Did someone kidnap us? Are we trapped here?"  A strange, chipper, elderly lady calling herself GramGram has made them delicious cinnamon waffle.  Eve very quickly settles into this well-decorated, delicious environment, while Lacey is freaked the fuck out. 

GramGram says it's so nice for the girls to come back to their home town of Holiday Falls (Frankenmuth, Michigan, apparently) from the big city, just in time for planning the annual Christmas bake-off, decorating the tree and figuring out who is sending all those gifts from the 12 days of Christmas ("So many birds!!!).  I'm with Lacey, GramGram's a little creepy.

They realize they are indeed in a Christmas Movie.  Lacey doesn't even like Christmas movie Christmases on TV, so she gets to be the sarcastic one as they bust through all the tropes.   They spy Santa on main street, the same one from the night before.  Lacey seeks answers. "Santa brought you here because you made a wish, you'll go home when you see that wish through."  Eve seeks her storyline, just as GramGram comes running, telling them the Christmas Festival even planner suddenly left. Just as Eve is then wondering who her "handsome beau" would be, she has a run in with the handsome local innkeeper who is very excited Eve is there to save Christmas.  Just as Lacey questions where her "good things" are, they run into the star of Christmas in Christmas Cove who, it turns out, is Russell, Eve's fake-British-accent wielding popstar boyfriend. He is of course Eve's fantasy, but is he a pompous jerk?

Eve's grumpy boss from the real world turns out to be the town curmudgeon, who obviously need to have a big about face.  Lacey goes off exploring on her own while Eve and handsome innkeeper Dustin plan the Winter Ball.  Lacey meets Paul, the sweet, wide-eyed, handsome owner of the bakery who catches her when she trips.  He's script-smitten, while Lacey is totally wary of the entire town, including the fact that it's entire economy seems based on giving things away.

As Eve and Dustin start getting close, Eve starts to feel guilty, but then Noelle, Dustin's pompous ex-girlfriend arrives to throw a wrench in their festival planning. Eve quickly identifies that Noelle is the complication they must overcome and embraces the trope.  Meanwhile Paul's aggressively sweet courtship of Lacey she finds very off-putting. But a cookie decorating session with Paul and a precocious child starts warming her with both the Christmas and romantic spirit.

Eve needs to break up with Russell, but he reveals he has depths she didn't see at first, but when she's talking with Lacey about how she chickened out, nefarious old Noelle overhears (from behind a newspaper sitting on a bench).  Noelle arranges a surprise meetup between Eve, Russell and Dustin where the truth comes out.  Russell leaves (abandoning the Festival) and Dustin says that after the festival he and Eve need to go their separate ways.  Then Noelle's plans for Christmas are so bad that Dustin has no choice but to cancel Christmas.

Everything's falling apart for Eve, and Lacey is finding it hard to get close to sweet Paul, her tumultuous history with relationships messing with her confidence.  On Christmas morning, Eve and Lacey fight and Lacey leaves, but leave it to GramGram to set Eve straight. "Knock. It. Off." she says in the kindliest way possible, then gives a pep talk which sends Eve running to fix everything.  What's her plan?

Montage! 

The festival is a success. Paul and Lacey are happy, Lacey has achieved her wish of being a better person. Noelle apologies and makes friends. Russell performs his bandless lip synch and he and Noelle make goo-goo eyes.  Eve's grincy boss catches feelings of Christmas. Precocious little girl's daddy comes back from military service (everyone cries). Dustin turns up and helps Eve realise who she needs to be.  They kiss. Lacey and Paul kiss.  Then Christmas magic sends Eve and Lacey home.  

They wake up on Christmas day thinking they had a dream only for Paul to be there in their apartment.  Paul it seems had a Christmas wish for Santa to send him wherever Lacey is.  Eve goes to her grinchy boss on Christmas and proactively pursues her dreams of being a designer, and grinchy Mr. Petersen doesn't seem to be so grinchy.  Then Dustin turns up to give city living one more try.

The Formulae:
All the formulae, all the time.

Unformulae: 
Because of this tiny little Christmassy shopping village they were filming in, GramGram's house had to be on the set, and as such it's a tiny little place with a very cramped layout.  The general setup of Hallmark houses tend to be huge open concept spaces with big ol' kitchens for lots of room to bake in.

They skip past the Christmas Tree and Poinsettia market (in town square?), cutting to the post-market where Eve has received a free Poinsettia.  No Christmas Tree shopping.

True Calling? 
It is indeed a Christmas movie Christmas.

The Rewind: 
Eve is set up as having terrible decorating skill in the real world, and at one point she puts up a wreath on the wall of her apartment but it pops off the wall.  We see it coming off the wall from the wreath's-eye-view which basically looks like it's shimmying off the camera.

Almost every extra in town wears a red or green jacket, except that one guy wearing blue.  What's his deal, and why did they let him on set.

The Regulars: 
Paul is played by Brant Daugherty, who also co-wrote the film (with Lacey actress, and his wife, Kimberly Daugherty).  Brant has been in a couple Christmas romances (including Mingle All The Way) as well as a number of Hallmark (and non-Hallmark) non-Xmas romances (including this year's Parked for Love which Kimberly co-stars).

Randy Wayne, who plays Russell, has a few co-starring credits in some off-brand holiday and non-holiday romance movies including Hallmark's Enchanted Christmas. 

Precocious Little Girl is played by Cleary Herzlinger who costars in Twinkle All the Way and A Christmas Switch.

How does it Hallmark? 
Well, it's not a Hallmark, and it doesn't have the same glossy spit-and-polish look of a Hallmark.  It has more energy and vitality than the worst of Hallmarks, but only in its meta-ness does it compete with the best of them.  

How does it movie?
Just because it's so steeped in the meta commentary of Christmas movie romance tropes, it doesn't mean it escapes them.  As such it actually gets bogged down at times by having the characters becoming too invested in the fantasy of Christmas movie romance without acknowledging enough how ridiculous it all is.   The movie itself doesn't know if it wants to just be a more metatextual version of a Christmas romance, or a satire of them.  In the end it sits in between them.  It also doesn't really stick the landing, as I'm not certain there's enough leaning into fantasy to make the fantasy realm seem real. Its incursion into "reality" outside of a shared dream thus is troublesome.

It's a likeable movie, but I think this year's A Clüsterfünke Christmas and The Bitch Who Stole Christmas take the meta-Christmas romance to a different comedic level.

How Does It Snow? 
So much cotton batting.  In the "concert" scene the extras are clearly seen carefully stepping through the mounds and mounds of it all over the ground.

T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 20 - A Timeless Christmas

2020, Ron Oliver (Chasing Christmas) -- Amazon/StackTV

The Draw: Well, duh, because there was Time Travel... in a Hallmarkie!! Yes, I wanted to see how that would shoehorn into a typical Hallmarkie, but considering how popular Outlander has been on the specfic meets romance subgenre landscape, I am not surprised. Also, I saw that Erin Cahill, from Random Acts of Christmas, the Hallmarkie I actually watched last year because it was actually on TV, was in it. She is a staple of these movies and I enjoy her commitment to them.

HISstory: 

We begin in 1903 with lead Charles Whitley (Ryan Paevey, Brooklyn Nine-Nine) buying a fancy Xmas clock, arrogantly turning down an alliance with a rival and generally putting on a, "Bah humbug!" air to the disappointment of his fiancé Eliza. Charles is all work work work and Xmas just gets in the way of his ambition. Charles won't attend the family Xmas Party with Eliza and spends the evening in his study working on the clock, where he is chastised by his best servant Rosie for his skewed perspective. He accepts a brandy, takes a heavy sip and ZOOOP the magic clock knocks him flat.

He wakes up in his own house, which is now a sort of museum slash historical reenactment type place with Megan (Erin Cahill, 911) playing the part of Rosie, Amber (Brandi Alexander, Supernatural) playing his fiancé, and a few others as his staff. Of course, he's a bit confused and angry at all these strangers hanging out in his house, and they are confused and mystified that he is not only pretending to be the master of the house, but looks a lot like the guy in the painting. After a bit of tense back & forth, including a visit to the local sheriff where he begins to realize something is awry and he will likely be considered nuts for claiming he is from 1903, he lets Megan convince people he was a fill-in for Mr. Whitley from the talent agency.

So, now he is not only trapped in 2020, but he has to pretend he is an actor playing himself. Megan has caught on pretty quickly that he was genuine, as she has been a bit of an expert on him. Not sure why a historian would focus on only one relatively unknown person for their career, but sure, whatever. She is working the house until she gets a job at The University, which is what her parents believe she should do. She also knows enough about him that he believes he has time travelled, especially after he reveals the location of his invention journal that is tucked under the floor boards upstairs in his study. That nobody ever located these after all this time, and that the book is in PERFECT condition, is just the usual hand wavey conditions of not just Hallmarkies but most Time Travel stories.

Whitley knows the clock has something to do with his time travelling but nobody really knows anything about it. Apparently it went missing without Whitley expert Megan ever learning about it. But she does know some unfortunate details about his life, such as his fiancé marrying his rival, and his family line dying off because of his mysterious disappearance. He ends up depending far too much on her, as he plays the part of ... himself, and a bit of tense connection is made between the two. His dislike of Xmas doesn't help as Megan just loves the season, even involving him in some of her usual family events -- how many people does it take to decorate a tree? Of course, everyone is hoping he is her new beau, as its been six months since her last relationship.

The 20 minute to close complication comes when Charles learns who his fiancé ended up with, and he goes on a sad Xmas walk, after being upset at Megan. But he gets over it when she explains to him that they (fiancé and rival) had a happy life together and did many a great thing for this town. And after all, he just up and disappeared. Charles seems resigned to the idea that his life will never be what he was working towards.

Megan finally gets her The University interview and while there she finds the clock! Rosie had donated it to The University after his disappearance. You would assume Charles Expert Megan would have learned that small, very obviously on display detail about his life? Whatever, she borrows it and is going to present it at the Xmas Party at the museum (his house), the Xmas Party that represents the party put on by his actual servants, that he never attended, because a) party with the servants?!?! and b) bah humbug! 

She gives him the clock, they know it is there weird magic full moon on Xmas Eve, but Charles decides that everyone was right in that he was focused too much on work work work, and that everything seems to have worked out for the better, once he was gone. So he stays, he kisses Megan. Happy Day! And they lived Happily Ever After, that is, after she figures out how to get him identification papers, because he is undocumented, and you know how the US deals with that.

The Formulae: 

This is more a Time Travel movie than a traditional Hallmarkie, but even so, we get some Dead Parents, who influenced his Bah Humbuggery. There are Xmas Events and even an Xmas Eve Party. And the deadline for him to get back to 1903 is on Xmas Eve, because that is when the magical full moon is. There is the 20 minutes to go complication, but there almost always is. There is the job she always wanted, but turned down for love. Still not sure why she would think working a likely min wage job at a small museum is better than a faculty job, but whatever, she gets to play dress up. 

Unformulae: 

Time Travel! We get time travel tropes! What are those horseless carriages? What is this wondrous food you call Pizza? People wear these dungarees on the street and don't get mistaken for the (GASP!) working class? Meanwhile he is ignoring the impertinence of this woman with a job and opinions who wanders around unescorted. As mentioned, he is getting along fine without any papers. He even cashes a check somehow. 

True Calling? 

Well, it has the word 'time' in a time travel movie, so sorta kinda? But not really, as nothing is timeless at all.

The Rewind: 

Two bits for me. One, he sits on the TV remote and turns on the loud TV. That he understands this thing under his butt was the magic implement that activated the talking screen, but in that he immediately grasps that the red power button turns said talking box off. But Charles is an inventor so he just gets stuff, I guess.

Also, when he does his sad Xmas Walk, I noticed some familiarities. One quick IMDB lookup, and yep, this movie was shot in the same place as the Evergreen movies -- Abbotsford, BC. OMG, is the magic of the PST Evergreen Cinematic Universe also present in all its MULTIVERSE versions ??!?

The Regulars: 

Mr Whitley himself, Ryan Paevey has done nine of these since 2019 himself, so his earlier stuff has been pushed away for just this genre. Good money, I guess? Erin Cahill seems to alternate between doing these movies, and single episodes of popular shows, with the occasional video game voice over. Brandi Alexander (what a name!) also alternates between these and Canadian shot genre TV shows, thought not so much of late. Zahf Paroo, actor for one of Whitley's servants, is just a recognizable BC face so we expect him to do as many of these, as he does Canadian based TV shows, genre or not.

How does it Hallmark? 

It tries to schmush in the Time Travel tropes with the general Hallmarkies, but it ends up suffering on both fronts. I am not sure it succeeded on either.

How does it movie? 

No, not even as a bad Time Travel movie, and we know how many of THOSE exist.

How Does It Snow? 

Y'know, I didn't even notice. So either it had some decent amount of snow, forgot it was winter entirely or I am becoming immune to the affect of fake fake fake snow.

T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 19 - 'Twas The Fight Before Christmas

 2021, d. Becky Read - AppleTV

Anything can be spun into a hot-button, political, us-versus-them issue.  

Anything.  

All it takes is one unscrupulous individual to do so, and to do so loudly enough that other unscrupulous individuals take the bait.

Even decorating one's house for Christmas can be spun into a highly vocal case of religious discrimination that gets plastered on the national news and bumped all the way up to the Supreme Court.  

'Twas The Fight Before Christmas is an exhausting movie, and I only had to experience an hour and a half of the manufactured drama that one Jeremy Morris has inflicted upon his North Idaho neighbours for half a decade.  The events of the movie all occur because Morris is not only too selfish and too egocentric to compromise, but he moved into the neighbourhood of West Hayden Estates not holding a hand in friendship but swinging a big stick already prepped for a fight.  He effectively baited a whole neighborhood into feeding his persecution complex, and then trumped up both his victimhood and his heroism by staging a media circus that brought an armed alt-right militia group to the neighbourhood which he didn't turn away.

The documentary opens innocuously with Morris portrayed as a fun-loving guy who loves Christmas so much that he can't help but want to celebrate it with an inarguably impressive, arguably ludicrous, display of lights that he has to start prepping 3 months in advance.  It's his thing.  He talks about how a lot of people advised him against doing this documentary, thinking it would make him look like a crazy person, and, well, they weren't wrong.  But it's not "crazy" in the way he's thinking "crazy".

He's presented in his talking head with a lot of energy, a big beaming smile, and a festive wardrobe, sitting in his storage locker packed full of Christmas decorations which, he sadly relays, he's legally not allowed to use anymore.  But the hyperbole starts instantly "I'm the only American, probably the only person in the world, who has been banned by a federal court from decorating for Christmas."  It's an innocuous statement made in the first 2 1/2 minutes of the film, but it's truly a warning sign of things to come from Morris for the remainder of story.  "I don't need these things to have Christmas, but the fact that they would try to take this away, we live in America, I'm not going to let that happen."

It's hard to avoid the sense of privileged, white entitlement that is on display in the opening half hour.  At first we're given in to thinking that what Morris is doing is just celebratory, just an objectively excessive extension of his personality which he wants to portray as "giving".  He's a devout Christian who has loved Christmas displays since infancy and has been doing them the better part of his life.  He took inspiration from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, asserting that perhaps Clark Griswold was thinking too small. In 2014 he put his plan into action and posted it to Facebook, the number of visitors quickly ranked in the thousands.  His first thought was to make it bigger, getting a camel, a choir, and more. His wife suggested that they should set up a charitable donations bin (and I need to stress that it's Kristy Morris that makes that suggestion).  The celebration of lights lasts for 8 manic days, each day the city calling to advise that what he's doing is illegal.

Morris points out, repeatedly, he is a lawyer, and he knows the law.   The law doesn't apply here.

But he recognizes that operating this Christmas house (only the house itself was the inspiration for last year's Hallmark movie The Christmas House) within city limits is going to be problematic, plus the house is too small for the size of display he wants so they go searching for a new house, and they find one in 2015 in West Hayden Estates that seems perfect.  It's just outside city limits, it's a quiet neighbourly street.  Kristy is immediately caught up in the idea of connecting with her neighbours, making them cookies and developing a relationship with the community.  Jeremy's immediate interests are in setting up his Christmas display and engaging the neighbourhood Home Owner's Association about his plans for his Christmas house.

The initial impression of of the HOA and the neighbourhood is uptight, privileged and very white.  Their brief investigation into the previous year's Christmas house leaves them uncomfortable with thousands of people invading their sleepy little neighbourhood.  They haul out their HOA rulebook which is hundreds of pages long, and start to point out where there could be problems.

There is no discussion. 

Morris literally starts harassing the HOA president, calling multiple times a day every day, and when she does ultimately answer he records their conversations.  Excerpts of these recordings are within the film.  Morris asserts repeatedly that he's not asking permission, that he's going to do his Christmas house (his ministry, he calls it), and notes, repeatedly, that he's a lawyer and that he will take them to court if the HOA try to get in his way.  His first contact with his new neighbours, before he's even moved into the neighbourhood, is to swing a stick.

The response from the HOA is handled in the form of a sarcastic letter, poorly written, with the term "undesirables" noted and  ending with the fact that not all neighbours celebrate Christmas and that some consideration should be given to them.  And with that, Morris has exactly what he was looking for, all the ammunition he needs to mount a war.  The HOA, from his standpoint, practices religious discrimination.

It escalates from there into a Morris-driven national media frenzy, online feeds of ultra-right-wingers who respond to triggers about infringing on "rights", to a militia group appearing on Morris' lawn citing that he needs personal protection from the ever-so-scary people of his white, middle-class, rural neighbourhood.  Morris pushes and pushes, and any push back just feeds into his persecution complex.  He is obsessively meticulous about recording conversations and videotaping encounters.  He trolls through the HOA bi-laws and documents every potential infraction that his neighbours perpetrate, like one neighbour having a "massive" (normal sized), "permanent" (easily moveable) structure "built" on their driveway (it's a hockey or perhaps soccer net) or the elderly woman who has three dogs instead of bi-law limit of two.  Are they in violation of the strictest interpretation of the rules of the HOA, sure.  Are they at all comparable to a massive, disruptive event that impacts the entire neighbourhood for over a week each year? Jeremy Morris would like you to believe it sure is.

It all heads to court in 2018 where a jury votes in Morris' favour.  Morris starts reciting what a vindication it is, that it proves he was correct in his behaviour and his conviction to do whatever the hell he wants, everyone else be damned.  He cites that "winning the lawsuit wasn't about money, what it was is it was about our principles. In America we love freedom, to go where we want, do what we want, say what we want, believe whatever we want...."  He trails off, talking about standing up for "values".  But the only value Morris has on display, the only principle he participates in is selfishness, at least as far as this whole endeavor goes.  He talks about how the display, his "ministry" is for the people, for charity, but it's clear it's only for himself.  Remember, it was Kristy who did the work to make it charitable.  His wife takes the kids away to her parents in that first year in West Hayden Estates, repulsed by the circus he's whipped up and refuses to let drop.  He blames the fight, the time lost with his family, on others when he is the chief instigator, and the one who offers no concession, only escalation. 

But within the year that ruling is overturned by a federal judge, citing a lot of things, but credibility of the two sides is a big factor.  Immediately Morris calls the judge "corrupt" and starts throwing around terms like "communism" and "banana republic".  Morris pushes it to the supreme court, even though losing could mean bankruptcy for his family.  He doesn't care.  Kristy, five years in, still laments the lack of connection she has with her neighbours, and seems to desperately want that connection, but her ties with her husband mean there is no chance at all of reconciliation.  Moving is only an option if and when Jeremy finds a spin where moving for him is a victory, rather than a defeat.  That's not said, but it is the implied response from this personality type.  

We see this with Trump, we saw it in Dr. Death...this inability to admit fault in a situation, the obsessive pursuit of one's own self-interest at not only the expense of the people around them, but society at large.  These type of people are damaging to society as a whole.  Their inability to see outside their own wants and desires, their manipulation of structures and systems, their twisting of people's own goodwill against them, allows them to get ahead at the expense of everyone else, and this is The American Way.  To "do what we want, to say what we want" is the only thing that matters, as long as they are the only ones to do and say what they want.

The final moments of the film is when it turns its most disingenuous, as it reveals from Jeremy's father that Morris' ultimate ambitions are to become a Governor or even President. "I think I'd be a great president," Morris father says, quoting his son's sentiment.  It insinuates that all of this drama was perhaps a master scheme he's orchestrated to raise his visibility, to solidify the right-wing voter base by trumpeting religious persecution, and to put as much attention on himself as possible.  It's a sudden turn that the filmmaker makes on Morris where, rather than letting him continue dig his own hole, it provides one of their own making beside him for him to jump in.  It's not to say that he's not using all of this as a platform for gathering attention for some form of campaign, but it's just a left-field topic to broach in the final moments which shift Morris from being an overbearing asshole of the highest order to some sort of mad supervillain (or, at the very least, political opportunist).

I vehemently dislike Jeremy Morris, or at least the Jeremy Morris presented in this film. We've seen too much of his type, the type completely unwilling to cooperate or compromise or work as a part of society.  This all could have been avoided with conversations held in good faith, but "good faith" for Morris is a weapon...his own "faith" he forges into bullets, and others' good faith is the gun he fires them with.  One of the HOA members talks about how Morris has completely destroyed her trust in others, how meeting new people puts her on edge.  The weariness of everyone around Jeremy Morris (Kristy Morris included) is palpable.  He seems like an exhausting person.  I know I'm certainly done with him.

The only one who seems eager to keep this fight going is Jeremy Morris.

T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 18 - Christmas in Evergreen: Tidings of Joy

2019, Sean McNamara (That's So Raven) -- Amazon/StackTV

Full disclosure. I just tweaked the writing order of this post bumping it up, because its so fresh in my mind (to a degree) and because I just really want to write about this almost meta entry into the Hallmark Cinematic Universe that is Evergreen.

The Draw: Because Evergreen; that lovely town in upstate Vermont, so close to the North Pole that it forgets Canada exists. And because Evergreen is shot in Abbotsford, BC where sooooo many other Hallmarkies are shot. I am thinking that maybe my writing-it-in-my-head Hallmarkie will have to be shot/set there instead of the SSM I was originally envisioning, only because I visited SSM in June while they were shooting a yet to be released Hallmarkie.

HERstory: 

Yay! The Xmas train is back! And boy is it cute in all its CGI-y goodness. Seriously, you are in BC, just find a real quaint looking train and drone shot the fucker. Anywayz, we kick things off with a meet cute between Katie (Maggie Lawson, Two and a Half Men) and Ben (Paul Greene, Bitten) who are both heading into Evergreen for the season, after the shaky train tosses her into his lap. Katie is a writer, coasting on magazine articles while struggling on he second novel. She's coming to Evergreen to see if the place is real, as it really cannot be a town that lives only for Xmas, can it? Meanwhile, Ben is from Evergreen. I don't remember where he was or why, but most likely a job interview or something Big City influenced.

The conversation between the two is quite amusing, and at some points, almost meta. She actually refers to the train they are on as being a conjunction of the Polar Express and the Hogworts Express. And she talks about the background of Evergreen being like Brigadoon, in that it appears and disappears, but as Ben points out, every year instead of every hundred years. And thus began the forming of my idea about the ECU in that there might actually be mystical ties to the PST.

Anywayz, they arrive and walk into town like proper tourists, amidst the fake snow and bright BRIGHT green grass underneath. Of course she is staying at the Inn, of course she has to pass by the Chris Kringle Kitchen and inevitably end up at Daisy's General Store, or whatever Lisa is calling it now that she owns the place. And there we go, there is Lisa and Allie and Michelle and Hannah, and laughing women standing outside the store must work in it. But wait, where are the men? Where are the guys that paired up with these women of Evergreen? Wait, is the weirdness that is Evergreen perhaps dependent on the sacrifice of men folk, to retain the Xmas-y nature that the PST has all year round. Is, perhaps, the Midwintaar  ritual that hides behind the fake snow and PST exteriors?

But then Katie gets a call from Mom, who owns a news magazine and needs someone to write a puff piece because someone else backed out. So much for vacation time, onto work work work !!

Now, this entry of Evergreen lore is not as much about how the Big City Girl hooks up with the PST Library guy, as it is about all the other things going on in town. We get flashbacks to Evergreen that was, and the year they were snowed in for a month (that single road is their downfall again). And that ties to a secret time capsule that hunter-seeker kid from the last movie is chasing down now. And the snowglobe from the first movie is broken, so Hannah has to make goo goo eyes at the guy who can fix it, establishing her as the side-love-story for this entry. 

Katie is showing some genuine affection for Ben, the guy who just works at the local library (he... does story time?) who used to be a journalist, but doesn't trust that Katie will write genuinely about Evergreen. We montage through the bulk of the movie, until David the Hunter-Seeker finds a key and finds the time capsule, which turns out to be a giant Advent Calendar behind a weird magical accordioning wooden wall. Nick, who someone finally commented on him looking like Santa on vacation, and not-Nora-but-Nan have been hiding the secret until the day came when it looked like it SHOULD be revealed, whatever that meant... maybe after they have hit the point where they need one more male inhabitant to be sacrificed to the Great Joulupukki that powers this Xmas town?

But whatever, we have the calendar revealed and also... what the fuh... it's before December 1st? They are only now ready to open the first spot in the calendar? Since when do these movies take place more than the week before Xmas? Was Katie expecting to be in Evergreen for the entire month of December? That's a weird vacation even if we forget her mom pressuring her to write a story and that she has a crush on Ben. Not only am I distracted by all these weird side plots and otherworldly elements, but I think the plot is, as Ben and Katie falling for each other is pretty sidelined.

December long montage. Seriously.

But as we get closer to Xmas Eve, Katie actually returns to Big City to spend time as she usually does -- avoiding her mom's Xmas Party and hanging out alone in her apartment. Somehow I missed Katie is just not that into Xmas. There is a brief but of miscommunication where Ben finds a badly worded except of the notes for Katie's story, but then she doesn't bother explaining and just doesn't write anything at all. Instead Ben writes his own story in the local paper about the women of Evergreen -- you know them: Allie, Lisa, Hannah, Nan, Barbara, etc. All the women who sacrifice some male figure in their life to.... OK, maybe not that but its a lovely story that Katie's mom loves so much she wants to publish and give Ben a chance at real writing for Big City Magazine. Katie and Ben hook up again, in the city AFTER Xmas and ... plan to do things together? Again, love story sidetracked by other things going on, not really paying attention to their own plot.

The Formulae: Even with all the weird shit going on in town, we still get some traditional Xmay tropes. Xmas Trees are captured, cookies are baked, frozen ponds are skated upon. Big City Girls come to PSTs where they meet PST Boys who like the simple life. There are brief misunderstandings and feelings bruised. Evergreen replaces red dresses with that vintage red truck. We do have Xmas parties, but they play little parts, overshadowed by other Xmas Events around the Advent Calendar from Oz.

Unformulae: That the bulk of the movie happens in the days before December 1st was entirely out character for one of these movies. And that the final connecting of the two love interests happens in the Big City after Xmas was ... weird TBH. 

True Calling? I honestly don't know how that Xmas-y title has anything to do with the movie at all. But it was the title of the third book, from which this series arises.

The Rewind: 

The Xmas Tree hunt always takes place at the local red barnyard, which uses the same stock image from above and just this side of the barn entrance. But when they zoom in, to have our characters arrive, the continuity is all wrong. Things are missing, structures are differently sized, and there is a WALL OF 40' TREES in the background. 

Secondly, when a sheet of Katie's story-notes is left on the printer, we get a brief look at the less than flattering words. But its not them that begs a rewind and pause but the bad attempt at lorem ipsuming the rest, "You won't have to go far to find it Victorian a architecture and even a gushing waterfall." That is word for word what was written there, all the brain break bits of it.

Remember that church structure from the last movie where there was a bell tower activated by the key that David found, that was actually just being used for Xmas supplies storage? It is now suddenly an actual chapel that is bigger on the inside than the outside. Yup, a lovely TARDIS Church. But with all the other things going in this town, this is actually mystically plausible!

The Regulars: All the cast of the first two movies plus.... Maggie Lawson has done a few, while Paul Greene has done quite the boatload of them. Its funny, but despite these movies, and all their non-actual-Hallmark lot all use the same actors over and over, I am amazed at how few of the actors I actually do recognize from movie to movie. Maybe I need to just watch more of the Canadian made ones where I will recognize half the cast from all my Canadian made specfic shows.

How does it Hallmark? Surprisingly, not so much? Its because they trope laden main story keeps on getting interrupted by the mystical side stories of lost time capsules, month long winter storms, snow globes with deep secrets, ancient rituals to dark gods, mythical Santa figures that live off the lives of sacrificed men... Sorry, went away there for a bit. I think I have a Hallmarkie Meets Asylum Horror movie to write.

How does it movie? The one we were writing in our heads while watching it was .... slightly better?

How Does It Snow? 

I only really paid attention to one example of the fake fake fake snow and that was the cotton batting laid over the very manicured bright green lawn in the background when Ben and Katie first arrive in town. The rest was ... the usual no real snow to be found.

T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 17 - The Bitch Who Stole Christmas

A Toast to HallmarKent: The Bitch Who Stole Christmas - 2021, d. Don Scardino - VH1/Crave

The Draw:
I mean, that title was hard to resist.  I knew RuPaul was involved but I had no idea what to expect.  Even then, this defied any expectations.

HERstory:

RuPaul plays a hard-ass fashion publishing maven, ala Vogue's Anna Wintour, named Hannah Contour.  Working for her is Olivia St. Lapel (Krysta Rodriguez).  Hannah needs a cover story of the annual Christmas issue ("the most important issue in fashion" they say in unison) and wants Olivia to go to "Tuckahoe: the most Christmasiest town in America" and covertly dig up some dirt, as well as obtain their "winter crown" ("the grand prize of this silly little competition they throw every year").  Scandal sells mags. And if she succeeds, Olivia gets that promotion.

Olivia adopts a red wig, heavy makeup and the alias Maggie Zene and heads to Tuckahoe, which, frankly looks like a dingy trash pit and not a PST.  The town bursts into song upon her arrival; "Tuckahoe Christmas" which reminds me of a Parker and Stone musical (whether it be South Park or Cannibal the Musical or Book of Mormon), complete with a bit of naughtyness.  It's clear we're in for a lot of revelrous camp.  There's a ceremony for the previous year's Winter Ball winner returning the crown back to the city's Mayor Coontz, who then reminds everyone that the crown must remain unseen until a new winner is crowned or they will fall victim to the Tuckahoe curse.  The crown is then handed to hunky security guy Big Russ (who has a tragic backstory that's left him incredibly single).  Angling for a closer look at the crown, Olivia/Maggie runs into him and spills coffee on him, and the shirt comes off instantly (as it does every time he's on screen).  Olivia/Maggie is stunned by his chiselled physique and they bond over their "unique" love of coffee.

Olivia/Maggie finds much to be desired at her hotel, the Tucked Inn.  It's fucking gross and people keep falling through the ceiling.  She befriends the hotel's owner Hazel Delashes (a hilarious performance from Ginger Minj), cab driver Bea Eeep (Peppermint), the local Russian-ish prostitute Kitty Myua (Brooke Lynn Hytes), chronic no-personality-disorder sufferer Jane McBeige (Jan Sport) and here she learns that Hazel has just been served an eviction notice.  Turns out the rich bitches of Kittenheel Court are planning to win the crown and raze this part of town to build the most luxurious shopping mall ever.  So Olivia decides to help the Broads of Downtown win the Winter Ball and name it the most Christmassy street in town.  There's no way it would be torn down then, right?

The first few events do not go well, but a change of tactics, to be more relatable to the crowd means they win the next few events.  Big Russ turns up to an afterparty with flowers, and relays to Olivia/Maggie the horrifying story of what happened to his wife, and, of course, loses his shirt, then spills some town dirt about the mayor's missing sister. And later Olivia/Maggie spies the mayor making out with the husband of Kittenheel Lane's chief bitch and learns the location (and passcode, which of course is 80085) of the Crown and spills it all to Hannah, who reminds her that a big promotion is on the line so she better write that expose.

Olivia's secret comes out (as does the hit piece and the Broads of Downtown are seriously heartbroken and Big Russ is disgusted (despite Maggie/Olivia having confessed everything while they were making out the day before) but after the Spirit of Christmas helps her learn that there's more to life than work, Olivia delivers an impassioned soapbox speech that regains her her friendships.  Plus she happens to have found a loophole in the Winter Ball's rules that allows the Broads to compete in the final challenge.  But the festivities are interrupted when the crown is reported stolen and accusations are levied and there's a final showdown with Hannah and it's all a deliciously messy Clüsterfünke of high-camp melodrama.

The Formulae:
There's the big city girl going to the Christmassy town, having a Christmas deadline, and pretending to be someone she's not, only to befriend the people in town and fall for the hunky guy with a pained past but then have her deception be exposed with 20 minutes left to go wounding her new friends and almost-boyfriend, but then for her to make it up to them by saving the day and proving she belongs with them.

Unformulae:
Oh, you know, swearing and tits, and so much overt sexuality, vulgar language and gestures, and just a big campy energy, and extreme dramatic swings that more recall Lifetime's non-Christmas content.  Drag queens and trans celebs are also, let's say, never represented in Hallmarks or Lifetimes.  There are musical sequences here, not that Hallmarkies don't have music, but they rarely center on them and when a character does perform a song it's usually like 90 seconds long.

True Calling?
No, the title isn't really, truly representative of the movie, as there's no bitch that steals Christmas ourtright.  But it is a great title.

The Rewind:
I had to rewind RuPaul's first scene, because I was trying to figure out what was triggering my sense of uncanny valley.  

I love a looking-around-the-room-for-an-alias gag, and it's used twice here.  When Maggie is checking into the hotel and she's trying to think of her occupation but not tip off that she's a reporter: "I'm a...  *Sees a jar, sees hazel's fingernail, sees a list pinned to the wall*... jour...nail...list".  Or when David Keochner's P.I. character, in drag, checks in trying to dig up dirt on Olivia, and he has to list his occupation: "I'm an...*see's the inn's name, see's Hazel's vest, sees a trinket of an alligator drinking tea*... inn...vest...teagator.  But what also sells it is Ginger Minj's reactions, first incensed, but quickly excited about Maggie/Olivia's career as a journal-maker or Mr. E's career as a reptile investor.

There are a tremendous amount of great jokes, running gags, intentionally awful puns, and just boffo bizarre performances.  The best rewind is basically a rewatch.

The Regulars:
Hah. No.
But I loved seeing Krysta Rodriguez again so soon after her amazing turn as Liza Minelli in Halston.

How does it Hallmark?
A movie primarily starring Drag Queens has a layer of artificiality to it already, but the digital snow, the never-more-obvious studio-lot street settings, and the greenscreened-in RuPaul performance (she showed up for the forgettable Disney+ Muppets Now series but not this...?) just screams fake-fake-fake in a way that even the Lifetime movies (moreso than the Hallmarks) this is only marginally spoofing do not.  RuPaul's appearance here almost feels like she's a digital character, the layers of makeup and the immovability of her wig creating an even-more-than-usual surreal look.  The very cheap camera trickery in all RuPaul's scenes is so artificial and yet, given the  tone of the film, it only kind of helps it along. 

How does it movie?
This is a silly, absurd, raunchy, hilarious movie.  I'm not at all versed in the Drag Race phenomenon, so I'm certain I'm missing a lot of little in-jokes and cameos that came out of that show, but with only a few exceptions I didn't feel I was missing out on anything.  While it pokes a little fun at holiday romance tropes, it's not really a direct send-up or parody.  It uses a bit of it as a framework for which it hangs a kind of classic comedy that seems like a Christmas/Drag version of Airplane or Zoolander.   

It's mile-a-minute comedy, which director Don Scardino (with 38 episodes of 30 Rock episodes under his belt) is well versed in. That type of comedy doesn't ever linger on a joke, so the ones that fall short or seem less inspired are buried by the sharper, goofier or more memorable bits, of which there are many.  

Scardino leans into the artificiality and dinginess of his sets and effects, which is inherently more comedic than trying to make everything look perfect when the budget won't support it (often a problem for the cheapo-holiday romance).  Both this film and A Clüsterfünke Christmas were produced by MTV Films but they took very different approaches to their parody of the holiday film.  While I think Clüsterfünke is easily more approachable and is more in the spirit of the type of films it parodies, I think The Bitch Who Stole Christmas is actually much more directly a comedy than a parody, and much funnier.   That most of the major characters of the film are Drag Queens doesn't even really enter into the equation of the comedy.  Much like how the Muppets can play characters in films, people in Drag can add another character layer on top, and in some cases there are some wonderful comedic performances, and in others there's just an elevation of the level of campiness, all of which works.  There's no acknowledgement of drag (just like in, say, Muppet Christmas Carol or Muppet Treasure Island there's no acknowledgement of the difference between human characters or the muppet characters) except in a meta sense (like Olivia basically adopting a drag identity in Maggie Zene, and all the other absurdly great character names in the film).

This won't be to everyone's tastes and it's not very Christmassy, but it's still a damn delight.  There are enough great gags to revisit this over and over.  

How Does It Snow?
It's as fake as the wig on everyone's heads.

 

T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 16 - The Princess Switch 3: Romancing the Star

2021, Mike Rohl (Royal Matchmaker) -- Netflix

It's hard to remember that this whole HallmarKent thing, at least for me, started with royalty driven Hallmarkie style movies. We watched A Christmas Prince when it came out, a defacto ironic viewing because it was getting all kinds of astonished-at-how-terrible-it-was reviews on the interwebs. There was also my thinly veiled fascination/fondness for these movies and their unabashed positive nature. It was that which led to Kent and I actually admitting to each other that we like them, and beginning this whole torturous affair. But, to be honest, it ain't so torturous... except maybe in these feeble attempts by Netflix?

Tangent: Maybe more torturous for Kent, as you may have noticed him doing fewer actual Hallmarkies during this run. Maybe because he started so early this year and already sated his True Hallmark capacity? What say you Ken't of Planet Earth?

Sorry, I digressed. I was trying to comment on the royal nature of these movies. I didn't really know how prevalent the royal bit was until this year, when I grabbed a new "channel" on my Amazon streaming service, and it suggested at least 5 related, royal-based, legit Hallmark movies. And those are just Xmas ones. I cannot imagine how many outside-the-season Hallmarkies must be about some commoner hooking up with a Prince or Princess.

Anywayz.

Here we are in the third of the other royalty driven Netflix holiday movie franchise, that we caught up on and even began before "the xmas event" (sans red dress) even began. This is the finisher. To catch the uninitiated up, Stacy (Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical) was a baker from Chicago who was coerced into attending baking competition in a fictional European country the week before Xmas. She bumped into a Duchess who was going to marry a Prince, and they looked remarkably alike, so much so that Duchess Margaret (Vanessa Hudgens, The Suite Life of Zack & Cody), Who Wants a Day as a Commoner switched places with Stacy and STACY got to experience full on Prince-ness. Naturally Stacy and Prince Edward fell in love, and she became the Princess instead of the Duchess, who in the second movie, became a Queen of her homeland. In that movie we met a third doppelganger, Fiona Pembroke (Vanessa Hudgens, Sucker Punch), a Cruella ripoff chav with blonde hair and a perma-duckface, who tried to steal the throne from her cousin. The movie ended up with her heading to jail/community service.

We begin the third again in the week before Xmas. Montenaro, the Queendom of Margaret, is doing a big foofaraw (TIL it wasn't foo-for-all) which will culminate in their town tree being topped with an extra special star tree topper delivered all the way from The Vatican by Cardinal Aked Amoah. Aaaand its immediately stolen. But rather than involving the Swiss Guard or the police or someone qualified, they decide to spring Fiona from the nunnery where she is doing her community service, and doing it in pure Fiona Fashion -- badly, impeccably dressed and with a great deal of 'tude.

Fiona is grateful, and willing to help, so she enlists an ex of hers, Peter Maxwell (Remy Hii, Harrow), a once agent of Interpol but now a manchild living in a gaudily decorated castle working as a security consultant. He immediately points Fiona at another another of her ex's, gaudy manchild illegal art collector Hunter Cunard (Will Kemp, Reign).  And they all decide that they have to plan a heist to get the fancy tree topper back from Cunard. 

At this point, I thought I might be watching another Ryan Reynolds Netflix franchise piece, but without the wit, skill and charm of Reynolds. But nah, the Disney-style Princess Hallmarkie-lite movies just decided to add "caper" to their style attempts. And to be quite honest, they have a ball doing it. Not an Xmas Ball; that's later.

There are some fun comparison to Entrapment and all the other caper movies involving laser beams, and lots of sexual tension between Maxwell and Fiona, and even more fun to be had between Fiona's henchmen and Prince Edward's man Frank, as the henchfolk bond over their support roles in the escapade.

Switching is to be had, of course, this time focused around Fiona being the best choice for caper activities, BUT having to be present at the Cunard Ball (that sounds dirtier than it is) to distract our Bad Guy. So, Margaret be-wigs up and does a rather steamy tango (red dress!! rawwwwr!!) while Fiona dons the catsuit and Tom Cruise's into the secret treasure vault.

MEANWHILE the authorities have pushed up the date of Fiona's parole hearing (?) so Stacy also has to become Fiona and convince the authorities she has reformed. Well no, not really, as Fiona doesn't believe that, while Prince Edward actually does say some nice things about her. In another movie, there might be something going on in Edward's mind regarding his ... affection for Fiona. Maybe a, "No, leave the wig on, Stacy...." No, NO definitely not here in the chaste Disney-ness that are Netflix Princess franchises!

After a bit of misdirection and possible complications, but not really, the tree topper tops the tree and Xmas is saved! And Fiona is released early from her not very punishing community service to finally admit she has real feelings for Peter. And they all live Happily Ever After.

Rewind: I know I said I wasn't using the template for this one, BUT this was too noticeable to miss. In many scenes, Prince Edward (Sam Palladio, Nashville) never sits or we just see his arm & shoulders, and if the scene widens out he is missing entirely. And the lighting/colour is just slightly off. Someone seems to have Prince Switched Edward out of most of the movie, and they CGI inserted him back in later. There are some legit Sam Palladio scenes, and he makes a proper appearance for key scenes, but for the most part he seemed to have been absent during the bulk of shooting. Digging around on the interwebs only revealed others with the same suspicion, so likely it was just a COVID thing. But it was weeeeird.

How does it movie? It definitely attempts to be a more legit move than others of this ilk, going so far to have real music. I even Shazam'd the techno music chosen for the caper/ball scenes, as all good heists benefit from some electronic music. Gimme Some by Weval, in case you were wondering. 

Also. entirely out of character, they run the credits with the entire cast and crew dancing to the closing number. And they all look like they are truly, really having fun.

T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 15 - A Clüsterfünke Christmas

 A Toast to HallmarKent: A Clüsterfünke Christmas - 2021, d. Anna Dokoza (Kevin Can F**k Himself)  - Comedy Central/Crave

The Draw: 
If there's ever been low-hanging fruit for a comedy it's taking all the tropes of a Hallmark holiday romance movie and reeeaalllly leaning into them, winking and nodding and breaking-the-fourth-walling along the way.  It could be horrendous, like those "Not Another..." series of "parodies", but with SNL alums Ana Gasteyer and Rachel Dracht scripting and co-starring there's at least a comedy pedigree there that points to a more steady hand, and with Anna Dokoza directing, her sensibilities are more arch-comedy-drama which could be the right blend for a Hallmark pastiche.

HERstory: 
The movie opens with a title card with voice over "The Bellhark Holiday Channel proudly presents our '187 Days of Christmas'" which had my wife instantly saying "What the fuck?" as I didn't warn her that this was a parody.  Over a very cheezy original jazzy jingle (sung by Gasteyer) we then get the montage of establishing shots of New York ("Manhattan, New York" emblazoned on the screen throughout) with an establishing shot of Denver [I think] and a park hilltop with a Canadian flag atop a flagpole cut in between.  We meet busy "lead buyer in the hotel and resort business" Holly (Vella Lovell) walking down a very Christmassy, un-Manhattan-esque street (visible Canadian flag prominently on display in the background), she's complaining loudly on her phone about how much she hates Christmas when she bumps into a passer-by who does the "Ey, I'm walkin' here," reiterating directly into camera that "this is New York... and there's 7 days until Christmas".  And then the abrupt music switch as Holly spies a window display of snow globes, implying that snow globes have some dramatic importance.

Don't worry, I'm not going to detail every joke, just pointing out that this is all the first 100 seconds of the film.

Holly had an deal fall through so her boss is giving her one last shot before Christmas to make it up to him.  In the small Christmassy town of Yuletown is a family inn that he wants bought out for one of his signature hotel-golf course-racetracks. She take a plane then a train to Yuletown, the home of the Santa Bonfire (I was really hoping this comedy would take a third act turn out of the Hallmark parody and into a Midsommer parody where the town is basically a cult that attempts to trap Santa and burn him alive every year...alas), and wind up at the sort of ramshackle inn, run by two dowdy, gray-haired, strudel-making spinster sisters Hildy and Marga Clüsterfünke (Gasteyer and Dracht).  Every doorknob and handle that Holly touches in the Inn falls off, which leads her to meet the Clüsterfünkes' hunky handyman nephew Frank (Cheyenne Jackson).  Of course, his small-town values and her big-city mentality lead them to conflict.

The next day, Holly wanders the town searching for coffee, but there's none to be found, only cocoa.  It should be noted that this "town" is the very same locale that the Christmas in Evergreen series is shot in. But along the way she meets some of the town's residents, including her  new - gay-questionmark - best friend Percy (Nils Hognestad) and the Black guy and Asian lady who are "Colorful Representation" (the sales booth of vintage, vibrant trinkets, treasures and tokens, re-presented). 

Holly helps out at the Gingerperson Festival, and is conscripted to draw of the smile on Santa for the Christmas Eve bonfire , and she begins to befriend Hildy and Marga (during a strudel baking sequence which leads to a makeover montage) as well as fall for Frank as he exposes her to the rugged charms of small town living and he later saves her from freezing to death when she gets lost in a digital snowstorm.  They have a "horse-drawn" carriage ride (horse is off-screen, cue engine start-up noise) and a romantic "winter" picnic.  When Holly learns the sisters are in deep debt, she decides to use her business knowledge to help them save their business from the predatory corporation who sent her there in the first place.  But of course Holly's ex Chance turns up to win her back, and her boss turns up to close the deal that she's been failing to close.

Things come to a head as Frank and Chance compete in a Christmas fruitcake cornhole competition, where clearly the prize is Holly's affection.  When Chance makes his final play for Holly, Frank overhears and misconstrues the conversation, thinking that Holly still only cares about buying the Inn, and of course there..oh yes, 20 minutes to go.  Moping, Holly has a magical visit from an angel representing the spirit of Christmas in the form of modestly famous musician Shania Gary (best known for "All I Want For Christmas Is Fruit") who gives her obvious advice to follow her heart.  

She saves the inn ("The Clüsterfünke mail order strudel webpage just went live and the gif is a meme and it's trending on retweets!") and decides to stay to help manage the inn, she helps Frank get past his issue with fire, she makes it for the big Santa bonfire where she gives a big, rousing speech and they light the bonfire, everyone sings the title song as they kiss, the end.

The Formulae:
Literally all of them.  All the formulae.

Unformulae: 
Surprisingly, despite being steeped in holiday formulae, the lead character is a person of color and not a generic, Hollywood seven, white lady. 

Obviously the straight up poking fun at the formulae is unformulae, but this movie, to mixed effect, likes to point out the formulae so very very much.  That they feel the need to point out the trope after exhibiting the trope is comedically redundant, but they do it so consistently that it's almost its own running gag, plus Gasteyer and Dracht are savvy enough to work the trope explanation into a comedic form.  

Holly's assistant hands her a coffee, AND THERE'S CLEARLY COFFEE IN THE MUG! What the actual eff?!? There's not actually supposed to be liquid in those things.

True Calling? 
Sure.  Whatever.  I hate the umlauts in Clüsterfünke though, makes it hard to type the name out.

The Rewind: 
For me it was going back to Shania Gary (Maya Rudolph's) b-grade take on "All I Want For Christmas Is You" called "All I Want For Christmas Is Fruit" (adhering to the "Weird" Al parody standard of turning a hit song into a song about food).  I love Maya sooo much. Gasteyer and Dracht wrote all the songs in the film.

Holly, the author of "The Seven Seas Solution to Success in Business" and she keeps stacks of copies of the book around her apartment.  She flips through one of the copies and it's all blank pages except for the first two or three where she keeps a picture of her and her ex sandwiched in between.

Oh, the family of redheads who came to town for the Ginger People Festival (formerly Gingerbread Man Festival) only to be sorely disappointed. 

Gasteyer, almost in a fit, working her way into a "Frankincense" pun and Dracht trying to stop her. 

The Regulars: 
It's only regular is holiday romance hunk Ryan McPartlin who plays Chase, he's got a handful of real Lifetimers and off-brand movies under his belt.

How does it Hallmark?
It's a better movie than pretty much every Hallmark while still feeling pretty much like a Hallmark (Yuletown being the same place as Evergreen certainly helps it along) because it's using the tropes so intentionally, and everyone's playing into the tropes, and people seem to be cast for performance rather than being "local".   It also seems like they took time to shoot this, rather than just cranking it out in two weeks. There's a care put into this, attention to detail, that just isn't typically put into the cheapo holiday romances.

How does it movie?
With bigger name cast members I could have seen this being a theatrical comedy.  It's certainly more of a movie than the usual Hallmark despite being shot the same way.

That said, it is a comedy, and comedy is subjective.  Subjectively, much of the comedy here works, but some of it also can seem forced, but I'm sure people won't agree on which are the good jokes and which are the groaners.  That said, Gasteyer and Dracht manage to get quite a bit of non-parody comedy that speaks to their honed comedic sensibilities.  I mean, there's a running gag about Holly losing toes to frostbite....

How Does It Snow? 

Oh it's all cotton or paint or soap bubbles, and they don't ever once make a joke about it.  It could have been so easy to have Holly's wheely suitcase catch and drag a big sheet of cotton, or catch a heel on some etc but this film isn't wanting to breaking the fourth wall very often, they establish its own reality and operate within it, if absurdly sometimes.

T&K's XMas (2021) Advent Calendar: Day 14 - Holidate

 2020, John Whitesell (See Spot Run) -- Netflix

Kent watched this one last year, intemplaté, but this year skipping the format unless it at least barely attempts to be a Hallmarkie. This is just an Xmas romcom, and really, it's barely Xmas. Sure, it begins and ends at Xmas, but just to have a structure to build the movie around, i.e. the titular holi-date.

What is a holidate? Its when you are expected to bring a date to a holiday event, most often family or friend related. Do people actually do that? If you are not in a relationship, as in having a significant other, are you really going to bring a person you are just dating to a family party or whatever? That is the introduction of the concept, in that Sloane (Emma Roberts, Scream Queens) is feeling the pressure from family for not having a boyfriend to bring the the Xmas Party at the Parents. She's been pining for her french (dick) BF Luc for about six months. She's also working remotely, so her wardrobe has suffered. She prefers Xmas dinner at the kids table.

Jackson (Luke Bracey, Point Break), our Hemsworth-lite male lead, has his own fun holidate, as he attends the Xmas day with a psycho, at her psycho parent's home. That he gives it as long as he gives it, as he just hates being alone during the holidays, is commendable, but he should have bolted as soon as the photo albums were pulled out. But he gets khakis and a BJ.

The next day at the mall, both are attempting to return their shitty gifts. Sloane got PJs from the same shop my grandmother shopped at -- where the only size is XXXL, but she doesn't have a gift receipt and the no-receipt price is about $4. After a bit of bitter repartee between the two, Jackson suggests they do New Year's as a holidate, no strings attached attending of a party, not as a couple but just two people in need of wingfolk. Its mildly successful so they agree to keep it going throughout the year.

Yeah, again, people have this many events througout the year that require dates? Sure, there is Valentine's Day and St. Patricks Day, where friends and relatives will bother you about your single status, but beyond that the movie just shoe-horns in the rest of the dates to keep the premise going.

So, despite my annoyance with the premise, this is a pretty damn good romcom. There are actually funny things happening, only a few that trigger my cringe flight response, and the two do actually show a certain amount of growth that leads to actual attraction. But they are at their funniest when they are not attracted in the slightest. There are some side plots, such as the totally inappropriate Aunt Susan (Kristin Chenoweth, Schmigadoon!), who actually presented the holidate idea, actually finally admitting that she wants love in her life, and not just endless, carefree sex. Of note, I still marvel that Chenoweth is a year younger than me.

As the year closes out, the not-couple, couple-up which only leads to complications. Honestly, any couple that has sex after an encounter with a bottle of laxative deserves Happily Ever After. But they go their angry separate ways until fate brings them back together for that final holidate back at Xmas at her family place.