3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Death of a Unicorn

2025, Alex Scharfman (feature debut) -- download

First time director, mostly producer, I don't know much about Alex Scharfman and in looking at his catalogue, and his AMA, I am not sure there is really anything to know. Yeah, I know, that's harsh. I know I have commented on my admiration for hard working people in the film industry and just giving them kudos for keeping on keeping on. But... 

There is a metric ton of shit horror movies out there, kept alive by the horror movie film fest circuit and con fanbase. I am on the periphery of that fandom, but I wholely do not subscribe to making shit horror movies for the sake of making shit horror movies -- the spate of "just come into the public domain", shit horror movies about Winnie the Poo or Steamboat Willie, are a waste of energy. Not that this down to that level, but for the immense talent included, but I am not sure I understand how it got made.

Elliot (Paul Rudd, Ant-Man) and his disaffected teenage daughter, more caricature than archetype, Ridley (Jenna Ortega, X), arrive in Canada, yes Canada, so they can head to the estate of his employer, high in the Rockies. Elliot is obviously failing as a father but is heading to the rendezvous in order to secure their economic future. That is Elliot's motivation -- money. His employers have their home in a "nature reserve" but almost instantly we know "nature reserve" means "big game reserve", a place where Odell Leopold can hunt to heart's content. The Leopolds are not good people.

On the drive into the pristine nature of the Canadian wilderness, a distracted angry Elliot hits a unicorn. Rather than try and help it, as it lies suffering on the ground, he beats it to death with a tire iron. I imagine he does not envision a satisfactory explanation where he injured a legendary creature in the Leopold nature reserve and still get what he wants from them. While killing the poor thing, its blood splatters he and his daughter. And they stuff the corpse into the boot.

The Leopolds are the worst. They are a caricature of late stage capitalism. Horror movies often lean into archetypes, but this one leans heavily on characters that are more farce than anything else. Belinda (Tea Leoni, Deep Impact), the wife, is constantly going on about her benevolent, charitable activities while son Shepard (Will Poulter, We're the Millers) is jumping from one scheme to the next, desperate to impress his dying father and family patriarch Odell (Richard E Grant, Loki). I guess Elliot is in there to help manage the corporation after Odell dies. Except there is a dead unicorn in his car, which turns out to not be dead, until the Leopold's security head Shaw (Jessica Hynes, Spaced) shoots it in the head. Not long after, they discover that the blood of the dead creature has healing abilities and... well, you know where that goes.

Its fun, watching them all conspire on how they can monetize the healing potion they make from grinding up the unicorn horn. For example, it pretty much instantly heals the dying Odell, and while he seemed slightly redeemable on his death bed, a healthy Odell is pure evil. But the unicorns have other ideas. You see, that was just the baby, and when the parents show up, it becomes a slaughter. Like all these horror movies, they just love the creativity of the death scenes, and while Rudd and Ortega and the rest of the cast give it their all, its all rather a weak formula played through.

Part of me kept on wondering why there were unicorns on his "nature reserve" to begin with. I have a feeling one generation of the script had Odell knowing full well he had at least one mythical creature on his grounds, but that was dispensed with. Canada has been going on about Big Foot for decades; I am sure we would have been all over "unicorn sightings". 

I lump this into my current state of ennui for mid-range movies, the kind I used to be able to enjoy for just being what they were. And while I enjoyed this in the viewing, it just feels like wasted effort in the long run. And yet, I am still not making an effort to watch the back-logs items I know will be proper good.

Stupid brain.