2023, Francis Ford Coppola (Apocalypse Now) -- download
I am only half way through this movie but I feel compelled to start writing. Despite all expectations, and those expectations of mine were that I would love this movie to spite what everyone was saying about it, I really don't like this movie. I am not going to say that this is because the movie is bad, as I honestly don't feel qualified to say whether it is Good or Bad. And part of why I don't like this movie is because it instills that in the viewer -- it presents as so fucking pretentious and full of allegory and metaphor and allusion that the Average Joe cannot hope to comprehend the Great Vision that Coppola put in front of us. And that is why I don't like it.
So, from those more qualified? Perhaps from reading the unfavourable, I will find the more favourable in my own viewing?
I miss Ebert.
But first, the story, what there is of it. The city is New Rome, a reimagining of a world where the Roman Empire never ended. Mayor Cicero (Giancarlo Esposito, The Mandalorian) runs the city but is opposed by "The Design Authority" led by arrogant genius (with the ability to manipulate time itself) Cesar (Adam Driver, Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi), known for his invention of "megalon", a revolutionary building material that won him the Nobel Prize. With it he wants to turn New Rome into a utopia, but Cicero claims to be more practical, wanting what is best for the city's people now.
Cicero's daughter Julia (Natalie Emmanuel, Army of Thieves) falls for Cesar. Cesar's floozy reporter ex-gf Wow Platinum (Aubrey Plaza, Agatha All Along) schemes to destroy him by marrying the Trump-analog Crassus (ironically played by Jon Voight, Anaconda), head of The Bank. Cesar's cousin Clodio, grandson of Crassus, the manic on-point Shia LaBeouf (The Peanut Butter Falcon), schemes to bring down his cousin. Cicero has also always wanted to bring down Cesar, after his failed attempts to prosecute Cesar for his wife's death.
Yeah, lots of schemes and machinations. Golden Age of Hollywood style pomp, circumstance and the kind of spectacle I actually wanted more of in Gladiator II. And mad imagery after mad imagery after MAD imagery. If I could turn myself around for the movie, its for the sheer audacity to put together all this shit on the screen and present it with complete sincerity.
A few interrupted viewings later.
What the fuck was that. No, seriously, WTF. I was hoping that all the weird little twists and turns it was taking would lead somewhere, that the movie would inevitably say something, say anything, but ... it's over?
So, what are the positive reviews saying? That it is grand, and that it is. So very grand, so very good looking. Do you remember Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? It was a Jude Law and Angelina Jolie film from the early 2000s, a scifi actioner that was supposed to introduce the world to what could happen when we merged CGI and live acting, for a diesel-punk fantasy. And while it has retconned itself into fond remembrances in the past 20 years, it was widely panned by many, when it came out, for its sheer audacity -- who would want to watch a "live action" movie where most of the sets were digital? Twenty years later, with even extreme examples like Avatar, we consider it the norm. So, be audacious all you want, have grand visions, be true to yourself, but for the love of gawds, have something to say? What was Coppola saying? That with enough money behind it, abject nonsense can be art?
I mean, that is kind of true... Tape a banana to a wall.
Many of the positive reviews are not technically "positive" but ... they admire what he was going for? Admiring that he actually got it made? Not sure that qualified it for the Good Movie category. And yet, as I read them, I find myself oddly in sync with their positions. I do admire what it was doing, what Coppola was doing, I admire sticking to your guns. I just wish I got something out of this movie beyond "wee that looks neat!" Maybe if I had approached it with an expectation of very expensive, very gilded camp then I would be ultimately satisfied? It is my own fault I expected a movie about the grandeur of Big Cities, of megalopolises, of art nouveau, and German expressionism. What I got instead was Shia LaBoef being shot in the ass by a bow & arrow of a size best left to cupid.
Cesar could manipulate time. I would love to forward time and attend a film school classroom presentation of this movie where pretentious professors laud its great achievement and jaded students wonder what shrooms prof took that morning. Cesar could manipulate time but it contributes very little to the movie. Very little of what is presented in the movie actually contributed to the movie. Ideas, monologues, animated allusions, hallucinations, constant speechifying -- all end in a "oh, look the megalopolis is open. The End."
I did not like this movie, but I cannot help but admire the size of Coppola's golden (platinum? wow.) balls.
One last thought. Remember Loki's play in Thor: Ragnarok ? This is how this movie presents itself.
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