A Toast to Hallmarkent: Love, Guaranteed

The poster recalls other rom coms
to fool you into thinking
it's a real film. Don't be fooled.

 

 

2020, d. Mark Steven Johnson (netflix)

It had been almost 9 months since I last watched a Hallmark or Hallmark-esque movie. Our T&KSD feature "Xmas Advent Calendar" back in December almost broke my brain, the nail in the coffin was an attempt to watch one in January which lead to a nearly anaphylactic allergic reaction due to my overconsumption.  As a result, I've had a fairly steady diet of mostly "real" movies this year, which has reset my expectations of what makes for quality entertainment. I don't know if I can dip back into the well of Hallmark and its like.  Given that last year's Hallmark output began on Halloween, we're not too far away from the reemergence of that Hallscape.  

I wasn't expecting Love, Guaranteed to be a testing of those waters, to see whether I could dip back in without a violent reaction, but that's just what it turned out to be.

The Draw: (why did I watch this?)

Hey, I've said it enough times, I love a rom com.  This, by the looks of the trailer, looked to be a straight up rom com.  It stars Rachael Leigh Cook (the rom) and Damon Wayans Jr. (the com) with a splash of Heather Graham on the side. Hell it's directed by the guy who did Blade and Ghost Rider!!!(!!![!!!]).   This seemed like a much bigger deal than your usual Lifetime channel pap.  Um, turns out, not so much.

The Formulae: (Description of the movie via its formulaicness)

She's a lawyer who's too busy for a relationship. Since she's often pro bono, she's having a hard time making ends meet, but at least her job makes her feel good. He's been so busy trying to find a relationship he's had 1000 dates on a dating app that guaranteed finding love within 1000 dates, now he wants to sue the company.

They have a meet cute at the coffee stand first, then she finds out he wants to hire her.  He's not the type of case she usually takes, plus, her initial reaction is that he seems rapacious, not the charming goofball Damon Wayans Jr. we all know and love from Happy Endings (or, I guess, The New Girl?).  Ergo, the formulae of the misunderstanding one another, especially from her side making so many assumptions about him.

Turns out, he is a physiotherapist who is helping one of her beloved clients recover, so he's a pretty good dude afterall, and the money from the suit would help her practice tremendously.  But she still thinks they're oil and water personality-wise

For additional comic relief, she has a wry sister who is pregnant and a crazy high-energy nephew as neighbours in her home life, and at work two assistants, one ebulliently gay, the other very much his straight female counterpart. They have to cajole her into actually trying a dating app in order to take the case. Prime for a comedic montage, they *almost* make a couple funnies but nobody is pushing themselves too hard here.

And then there's the "bad guy", the evil online dating company, run by Graham who is *almost* a caricature of, say, Gwyneth Paltrow and her elitist zen Goop bullshit, but it doesn't push the persona far enough.  The writing just doesn't have anything clever to say about rich white ladies and their dumb shit.  There's also Graham's lawyer, played by one of the aliens from Galaxy Quest who is the particularly nefarious-acting role here, and I think he was hired mostly because of his angry eyebrows.

Of course, in the end they do find love, be

Unformulae: (Where it breaks formula)

It never really breaks the formulae, sad to say, even down to Vancouver posing as Seattle, which is so formulae.

True Calling? ( Does the title represent the film...at.all?)

Oh, it suckered me.  I should have known based on a title so generic it should be printed in bland white letters surrounded by a large yellow box (that's a "No Name" brand joke that needs to be workshopped more, just like every joke in this film).  It does, basically, represent the film, but it doesn't sell it in any way.

The Rewind: (That "see it again" moment...this can just be a screencap maybe)

Nope, not this time. The pope has no robes.  It's not terrible enough to be memorable, it's just not very good. 

The Regulars: (Those familiar Hallmark faces and where we may have seen them before)

Not only have I not seen Rachael Leigh Cook in a Hallmark-esque movie recently, I don't think I've seen her at all since Josie and the Pussycats, to the point that I didn't recognize her at all in the trailer and didn't realize she was the lead of this movie until her credit title came up in the film.  I bet Netflix has her signed to a half dozen more of these.  I hope that this is the first and last time we see Damon Wayans Jr. and Heather Graham slumming it with this kind of material.  These two should be above this. 

I thought for sure Caitlin Howden (playing the sister) was a Canadian regular in these types of productions, but her IMDB profile finds no results.  Same with gay personal assistant/paralegal Sean Amsing.  However, the other personal assistant/paralegal, Lisa Durupt does have credits!  A lot of them! Hallmark ones at that!  Ones I have even seen at that!  She's always a welcome presence.

How does it Hallmark? (How does it fare as a Hallmark movie?)

It's not a Hallmark, it's a Netflix...and yet it feels like a Hallmark.  The only thing that could have made this more Hallmark would be if Wayans Jr. was a single dad.  Even by Hallmark, and Hallmark-like standards, it's a pretty neutered, bland movie.  The cast is top notch but it's all natural charisma, the script gives them absolutely nothing to work with.

How does it movie? (How does it fare as a real movie?)

I *thought* it was supposed to be a real movie.  I was wrong. It's kinda poop.

This also confirms I'm really not ready to dive back into Hallmark movies and the like.  I was supremely disappointed by this, and not really at all entertained.