31 Days of Halloween: The Boy

 2016, William Brent Bell (Wer) -- Netflix

We rather enjoyed Wer, his (duh) werewolf movie, but I am rather partial to the hairy beast inside us all. But re-reading my post about another of his horror movies, The Devil Inside (insert guitar riff from INXS), I see he is just not that good at making his movies make sense. And this one followed suit.

So, a young American woman is invited to a remote house in the English countryside (outside Vancouver, actually) with nothing nearby, no cell reception. She's escaping a bad relationship, so running away to the UK to play nanny makes total sense. But seriously, it's Lauren Cohan (The Walking Dead) who is British, so just fucking make her British. This time the purple suited Producers have been replaced by shiny suited Chinese Backers, who state, "But everyone only knows her with an American accent, so make her American." Fuck you Chinese Backers. But fine, whatever, English countryside, fancy house, weird rich people, nanny to a young.... doll? Yeah, weird rich people have a porcelain doll of their dead son, that they pretend is real, and have VERY explicit rules on how he is to be taken care of. OK, maybe a good reason to make her American, as it makes it more difficult for her to say, "Fuck dis crazy ass shit!" and leave.

Crazy rich couple are going away on a vacation, and leaving Lauren in charge. Almost immediately she begins experiencing the weird stuff we know she is going to experience, with childish laughter, things moving around, strange shadows. And instead of running screaming into the night, she once again reviews the rules and ... goes along with them. W... T... F... Why? Sure, accepting there might be a ghost possessing a doll is one thing, but then thinking, "Well, now that I know the real deal, might as well just give in," is another. Add to that a bunch of fake jump scares, and I was just bored/annoyed. I like jump scares that actually make me nervous for the person involved, fake jump scares (it was all a dream !!!) just pisses me off.

And then... Le Twist !!  Quit reading if you give a fuck.

We have been learning a bit more about weird little boy now doll Brahms. He was E(eeeee)vil, having probably bashed a playmate's head in before himself dying in a fire. His parents are afraid of him. So they went on vacation, and drowned themselves, leaving Lauren to take care of the brat. BUT Brahms never died in a fire, he in fact never died at all. There is no haunted doll, its all just fucking terrible misdirection, so we can be introduced to the real kid that haunts the house, a Jason/Michael style psychopath who Lives in the Walls. Oh, FFS. Lauren discovers this, when her abusive ex-BF shows up (in the UK ! from the US !) and tries to convince her (aka demand) to come home with him. He breaks said Porcelain Doll and incurs the wrath of the grown up psycho who Lives in the Walls. Stabby stabby, run run, escape by a narrow thread and .... insert sequel.

Bleah. Not meh, just fucking bleah.