3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Interceptor

2022, Matthew Reilly (debut) -- Netflix

"First-time director Matthew Reilly admits he never anticipated his feature film debut 'Interceptor' to do as well as it has since its release on Netflix earlier this month."

That's because, its just a cut above an Asylum movie. Reilly, more known for being an Australian writer of middling (my guess based on the plot descriptions of a few; but who are you to talk, considering you like the Reacher series) thriller fiction, helms his first feature film bank-rolled by Chris Hemsworth and starring Hemsworth's wife, Elsa Pataky. The movie answers the question of whether an Asylum movie could possibly be decent if it had a budget -- the answer is a resounding, "No."

Capt JJ Collins (Pataky, Thor: Love and Thunder) is sent back to work on Interceptor platform number-number-letter-number, one of two west coast military installations tasked with shooting down ICBMs that come from the west side of the world, i.e. Russia (or N Korea?) !! She has been sent back there, in disgrace, for bringing about the downfall of a general who grabbed her ass and then had the assault report buried, because.... well, because military men can. At the same  time she is arriving, the other interceptor base in Alaska is attacked by unknown forces, and destroyed.

Of course, the Bad Guys are already embedded inside the platform, begging you to wonder why a critical military base would have outside cleaning staff, instead of just getting the grunts to clean the toilets. No matter, Bad Guys kill everyone on board except for Collins and her immediate co-workers, who are holed  up inside the operations centre. The Bad Guys have to get in there, destroy the equipment, so they can fire a bunch of ICBMs at the US, killing lots and lots and lots of people, because America Sux.

So, this is your typical Steven Seagal or Chuck Norris action movie plot that would probably be accused of being woke, by its core demographic, because it begins with a woman reporting sexual assault. The cast is minimal, almost nil, really with just enough henchfolk for Collins to kill. The Head Bad Guy (Luke Bracey, Holidate) is a rich douche doing this, initially because he claims the US Sux and Has to End, but we learn its all for the money. That said, I am pretty sure destroying the US in a nuclear holocaust would destabilize much of the world's economy. But no matter, this movie is not strong on the logic. 

For example, the control centre is protected by two massive steel doors that the Bad Guys will take ages to cut through. BUT there are two hatches into the control centre, one below (which opens into... air, and sea below) and one on top. At any point anyone could have shot off the lock and crawled in. Also, the whole point of the Bad Guys taking the control centre was so they could pour sulphuric acid all over the control system, disabling it from launching any interceptor missiles. BUT apparently all you have to do is plug a gaming laptop into the right port and it will do all the work the control centre was doing. And don't ask me about the guy lying in a puddle of sulphuric acid like it was green coloured goo. Like many of these movies, they really don't care about continuity or logic or the intelligence of their audience.

So , yeah,THIS was the kind of movie that surprised everyone for reaching Number 1 in so many countries. And yeah, it surprised me as well.

3ish Shortish Paragraphs: Willy's Wonderland

 2021, Kevin Lewis (The Drop) -- Netflix

If I already have a WFH tag, maybe I need to also have a WTF tag. This incredibly indie movie, with only Nick Cage to provide it some street cred, is so deep in the WTF Realm, it really can only be because of him. In fact, if this movie had been done with anyone else playing this role, it would have been just another Z-grade horror movie with barely any hints of creativity.

Nick Cage is driving his <insert fast American Made Car> fast and hard down a country road. Nick Cage is wearing leather, blackout shades and his hair & beard are so so SO dyed dark. People have asked me if I dye my hair, but really all they have to do is look at my beard to see what I should look like. My hair is scattered with gray hairs, but no, I do not dye. Nick definitely does.

So, Nick is driving his fast car when all four tires blow out. Spikes on the road. Not long after a tow truck with a Good Ol Boy shows up claiming kids stole the spikes from the Sheriff and are playing pranks. Back at the garage, Good Ol Boy claims a couple of thousand in repairs and claims Cash Only. Or Nick can pay it off cleaning up the local dead restaurant, Willy's Wonderland. Did I mention the two preambles? One, we see a woman running around in said resto, chased by evil.  She dies. Also, a young woman tries to burn down said resto and is caught by the Sheriff.

Nick accepts the terms, pulls on the Willy's Wonderland tshirt, and gets down to cleaning. In the resto fridge, he jams his pile of Punch Pop, probably some z-grade cola from nowhere. As said, he gets down to cleaning, but takes his regular labour law required breaks, by the timer set on his watch, and slams down another pop. Meanwhile the various mascots of the Chuck E Cheese style resto begin trying to kill Nick. And the arsonist from the preamble gathers her horny teen friends to rescue Nick from the Evil Inside the Resto, i.e. the mascots. The mascots don't have much luck, because Nick Cage.

So, here it is, a Z-grade indie horror movie with terrible acting and terrible effects and a recycled plot from nine thousand other movies. But it has Nick, Nick who might as well be called the Honey Badger as he just doesn't give a fuck. He sees monstrous, creepy mascots come at him, and he just smashes away at them until the oil/blood is spraying. Then he bags the thing, cleans up the newly made mess, and puts on a cleaner branded tshirt. Meanwhile the rest of the cast tries to carry off their bad movie.

You would think Nick Cage smashing mascots in his usual over the top Nick Cage way would be sufficient WTF, but did I mentioned Nick does not have a single line? He doesn't utter anymore than his familiar bestial cries of rage and LOTS of knowing glares full of rage & disbelief. Also, once Nick adds playing the branded pinball machine to his break routine, things get even weirder. The movie has a decent soundtrack of indie rock, punk and electronica which Nick seems aware of, and gyrates to, as he plays the pinball machine. Yep, full on Nick Cage.

In the end, Nick Cage, Defeater of Evil, kills all the mascots of evil (BTW, they had an appropriate Z-grade horror movie backstory) and all the humans who supported their evil killing ways. And he gets his car back, all repaired and fueled up, and sexy, underage teen arsonist hops into the car with Nick, hinting at just a few daddy issues, and they drive off into the evening.

Migawd that was grand & terrible.

Geek Cred: Rock Jocks & Knights of Badassdom

 Is it a good sign when a movie doesn't yet have any Rotten Tomatoes ratings and I saw it months ago? I guess "leaking" it on the internet was not such a good idea. I readily admit; the only reason I saw Rock Jocks (2012, Paul V. Seetachitt), a scifi comedy meant for geeks, was Felicia Day. Unfortunately, if you extract her, there is no reason to see this terrible terrible movie.

Seetachitt wants to be a new Kevin Smith, creating an irreverent indie movie full of slackers we are supposed to root for when the shit hits the fan. The particular shit is that they may lose their jobs to government cutbacks, a job of shooting asteroids out of the sky. Yes, an idea extracted from an 80s video game, and that the sort of witty point -- everything looks and feels like an out of date video game, as the whole system was designed 40 years ago. The staff actually are slacker gamers so when The Man comes along and wants to shut them down, its up to them to prove their mettle against the expected big rock that shows up.

The movie feels like a long webisode,  low budget and a handful of recognizable faces in supporting roles. You probably haven't heard of the stars, besides Felicia Day. There are a few gems of line, but not much at all to like. Maybe I have matured? Maybe I like some substance to my geek material? I think I just like some wit to my lines and in the absent of presentation, I want brilliance in the scripting, not just sub-par.

Now, if this was a well rounded review, I would come along and say, "Now, conversely, if you want a great geek movie with recognizable people, brilliant acting, a great plot and a Hollywood budget, I would watch Knights of Badassdom (2013, Joe Lynch) !!"  Unfortunately, I cannot say that either.  Harrumph.

I have been waiting for this movie all year(s). The trailers started coming out ... three (?!?!) years ago after debuting at Comic-Con and after the usual production delays, and some apparently nasty post production delays, the movie is coming out.  Soonish. One of the rumors around the delays, is that the movie was taken out of the director's hands and chopped to bits by producers and distributors. Honestly, I think it shows.

This is an exquisitely brilliant ultra-geeky plot. Joe, an ex-D&Der (Ryan Kwanten), now into black metal and car repair, is dumped by his GF. Eric, his best friend and roommate (Steve Zahn) never grew out of the gamer psyche (like many of us) and is a weekend LARPer. He and the third of their triad, Hung (Peter Dinklage), drag Joe off to a weekend of ultimate LARPing so Joe can experience Eric finally levelling his wizard character, and get over his GF. Eric has even brought along a new spell book, to add some authenticity to his spell casting. Said spell book is a real spell book and they summon a demon. As the friends fight it off, they are supported by Summer Glau and Danny Pudi.

Brilliant ultra-geeky plot, you ask? Straight-to-DVD plot more likely, right? Its brilliant in its simplicity, smacking back to the gamer geek's love of 80s horror movies. This is all cliches with sexy demons and lost in the woods characters and overly violent jocks who want to ruin the fun. But this is real LARPing depicted -- not some Hollywood mockery of it. Oh its, mocked, as LARPing is not for every gamer (i hate it, in fact) but its all done lovingly and with knowledge. Everyone in this movie plays true to their roles as pretend heroes having to become real heroes.

But, but but. There is a problem somewhere in this movie. Perhaps the wrong scenes were edited together, perhaps the script wasn't tightened enough and perhaps it was cut short of desperately needed connecting material but something fell flat, something felt missing. So many of the individual parts were great fun and made me smile, but it never came together. This was supposed to come across as a labour of love, done by and for geeks.  It felt almost like they wanted it watered down for the general audience. It ends up failing for both audiences.

Bad Movie: Werewolf: The Beast Among Us

2012, Louis Morneau -- download

Aaargh, I don't know why I like them, I just do.  You know, those bad straight-to-DVD (for as long as the term has a lifespan) genre movies produced purely for the world multi-market distribution system. Someone, somewhere is willing to pump money into a movie (but only so much money) knowing they will make it back via the various avenues where people don't always full consider what they are getting themselves into, such as the inflight movie or hotel chain pay-for-view.  And of course, there is the genre cable station who doesn't like to spend much on movies.  Much to the chagrin of movie snobs everywhere the flick have been made for as long as there was a "straight to ..." market and will continue.

My usual fare is the Disaster or Science Gone Wrong flick. Throw a meteor at the earth, crack the core in two or develop a weather tracking system that actually freezes New York under a glacier and I am tempted.  Considering the blockbuster versions of these movies are usually not very well made, how much worse can the mockbuster (sub-genre of what I am talking about) be ?  Much much worse is the answer. I am less tolerant of other genres, such as slasher horror or even swords & sorcery (look! a movie starring LARPers!) but every so often something about the plot (?!?) attracts me.

This one?  It was the idea of a motley crue of werewolf hunters that brought me in.  The grizzled leader in the duster & wide-brimmed hat, the steampunk woman with a flame thrower, the guy pretending to be Dracula and that guy and that other guy !  Ensemble casts are the in-thing now.  They are the skilled hunters of the supernatural but unfortunately, we never actually see their skill as they fail to capture or kill the beast.  Seriously, we don't even get a preamble where we are presented with their accomplishments.  Unless you count the drunken tale of how his horse ended up with only two legs.

Apparently, this movie was originally slotted to be a follow-up to the Benicio del Toro The Wolfman, where Universal was rebooting its classic monster stable.  This really cannot be seen as a followup or even mockbuster of anything, unless you count Van Helsing, because the heros both wear floppy hats and leather dusters.  It's just a boring, low budget vehicle for a European (shot in Bavaria!) practical effects school (how gross can you make the corpses?) with bad acting, swiss cheese script and terrible pacing.  And that's all I can recall even though it was only a week ago.